tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-465123289453391672024-03-13T06:04:23.179-07:00Scriptural Insights from a Work-in-Progress Latter-day SaintI'm a Latter-day Saint who is far from perfect, but trying to do better. I'm married to an elect daughter of God. I'm a father. I am sexually attracted to men. This blog was updated regularly during 2011-2013, and now I'm back starting in 2021 to share new perspectives from new experiences. Throughout my journey, I've relied on an ever-growing and evolving relationship with the scriptures. This blog is the story of that relationship.Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-65305505320985028482022-02-22T19:01:00.001-08:002022-02-22T19:01:08.163-08:00The Faith of Eliezer (Genesis 24:27)<p>In my <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2022/02/waiting-on-miracle-singles-who-stay.html">last post</a> </span>I promised
two sequels on my continually evolving thoughts on different groups at the
intersection of the LGBTQ+ and Latter-day Saint communities. I promise those
are still coming. But I have lots to say and those posts take time to write.
And I wanted to get this shorter post up while some thoughts were still on my
mind from my scripture study today, and also provide an update on my personal
life.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This week’s <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-old-testament-2022/09?lang=eng">Come Follow Me</a> </span>reading
begins in Genesis 24 with the story of Abraham giving a special request to his
chief servant (who is oddly never named in this chapter, but we know his name
from chapter 15 to be Eliezer). Abraham asks Eliezer to find a faithful,
Jehovah-believing wife for his son Isaac from among his family far away in the
land of his birth. Abraham makes clear the absolute importance of this request,
which at his age could be the last he ever makes of Eliezer for all he knows. Eliezer
understands the weight of the assignment and immediately starts getting really
stressed about it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After making the long trip, he arrives and, worried about
his ability to fulfill the assignment and find the right wife for Isaac, prays
for guidance and even asks to see the Lord’s hand revealed in a specific way.
While he’s still finishing the prayer, his requested sign is given and Rebecca is
revealed to be the chosen bride for Isaac through her gesture of compassion in giving
water to him and his camels. He is so overwhelmed by the miracle that he immediately
prays again, with a pure prayer of gratitude in verse 27: <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>“And he said, Blessed be the
Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his
mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my
master’s brethren.”<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’ve heard this story many times. Kind of. We talk about it
every four years in Sunday school, briefly between the comparatively more
exciting stories of Abraham and Isaac on the mountain, the destruction of Sodom
and Gomorrah, and soon thereafter Esau’s economically unwise trade of
birthright for soup. Compared to the stories of floods, parted seas, slain
giants, and lion’s dens throughout the rest of the Old Testament, this simple story
can get easily lost and we often move past it as just a "nice" little story. Today, though, it hit me as perhaps one of the most
meaningful miracles recorded in scripture specifically because of its <i>non-grandeur</i>
and humble personal scale. I can relate far more to Eliezer’s personal miracle
and trial of faith than the giant miraculous stories that fill much of the
scriptures, because his story reflect my own. We travel long distances not sure
if we’re going about doing the will of the Lord in the proper way or if He’s
even really there guiding us. But then He shows himself in these small ways
that to others can so easily be dismissed as coincidence, but to us in that
moment the miracle is real and we see and feel the hand of the Lord. When Moses
parts the red sea, nobody can deny the power of the God and the veracity of the
miracle. But this miracle was a personal tender mercy just for Eliezer that
showed the Lord was there for him and would help him. And for most of us, that
is virtually the only kind of miracle we will ever witness.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The last year has brought me a lot of reflection. It has
been a year now since I <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2021/03/confused-at-grace-hymn-193.html">disclosed major transgressions to my wife and bishop</a></span> and began rebuilding my faith. The journey so far
has been both hard at times, and yet remarkably easier than I could have ever
hoped for. I have had no significant relapses during this year and no longer
even really feel much of a pull towards a lot of the addictions and bad
behaviors anymore. I am happy. My wife and I have strengthened our marriage and
are the closest we’ve ever been. We’ve had some trials along the way including notably
a miscarriage last fall that had subsequent complications requiring surgery for
my wife. I think the ways we repaired our marriage better prepared us for that
trial. Overall, I’m stunned at the rapid speed which I’ve made so much
meaningful progress. I also would be remiss not to cite the amazing power of a great
therapist and a local support group who have helped me through many of the most
difficult emotional times.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My relationship with God, which 18 months ago was almost
nonexistent, has been revived. It is still difficult sometimes. I often feel
like Eliezer, pushing forward in the wilderness hoping the Lord will be there
when I need Him. I will sometimes travel a few months of my journey where I
will feel a spiritual dullness, waiting to see the hand of the Lord revealed.
And it always is revealed eventually after patience in small, personal miracles.
I am grateful that amidst the mighty earth-shaking miracles, we also have
captured this small, tender personal miracle as a reminder of the way most of
us “non-prophets” are going to interact with the Lord along the way. And I hope
as you seek him that you too will feel the hand of the Lord when you need it,
even if you have to push all the way to the well in Haran before you see it
revealed.<o:p></o:p></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-38756682660989463992022-02-13T19:10:00.000-08:002022-02-13T19:10:44.377-08:00Waiting on a Miracle: The Singles who Stay (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)<p> <i>This post is the first of three in which I plan to delve
into my current feelings and reflections on the situations of various
sub-demographics at the intersection of the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints and the LGBTQ+ Community, from both a doctrinal and practical
perspective. This first post concerns the <b>Singles who Stay</b>.</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At risk of being redundant with the many others who have
already blogged about Disney’s latest animated hit, <i>Encanto</i>, I’ve
decided to join the club. I have not been able to stop thinking about some of
the most pivotal themes of the film since I first saw it back in November. Most
notably, a heartbreaking sequence and song in the film’s first act has had me
reflecting on the challenges of many of my peers in the same-sex attracted
Latter-day Saint community. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In case you haven’t seen it and intend to, I’ll give you a
very minor spoiler warning for this paragraph and the next. The protagonist,
Mirabel, is a young adult in a family where each member was given a magical
ability during a rite of passage ceremony as a pre-teen… except her. For some
reason, when she was to receive her “gift,” the magical house which bestows
them decided to decline, making her the only non-magical member of her
generation in the family. She had seen each of her older siblings and cousins
receive their gifts before her as they passed through their own magic doors and
inexplicably found her own door taken away. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">All of this information is revealed as back story, and as
the film’s story begins, her younger cousin Antonio is having his own ceremony
to receive his gift. She once again finds herself watching someone she loves
receive a gift that she does not and rejoice in blessings that she will never
know. She then sings a song called <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKKrfr4To14" target="_blank">“Waiting on a Miracle”</a> that tragically expresses her grief at feeling
that not only is her lack of a gift a big enough blow to begin with, but her
non-gift status often causes her to feel like an outsider within her own
family. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">From my very first viewing I have seen so much of the
experience of my many good single LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saint single friends
reflected in Mirabel’s story. These faithful members often long more than
anything for companionship and marriage, and see their brothers and sisters
walk through those magic temple doors to claim those blessings again and again.
Like Mirabel genuinely celebrates Antonio’s successful claiming of his gift,
these members often share real joy in seeing the blessings poured out on their
loved ones, even as they also feel the pain of not understanding where their
miracle is. Furthermore, they, like Mirabel, can often feel like outsiders in a
Church where they are constantly reminded that marriage is central to God’s
plan; where so many ward activities are centered around doing things with
children they don’t have; where even certain important callings require being
married. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have dear, close friends in this category. Their faith is remarkable,
and I believe their course is among the hardest you can choose in the Church
given all the circumstances that they <i>didn’t </i>choose. Some still fully
anticipate finding marriage someday (a choice I’ll discuss more in part three
of this series of posts), while others do not foresee that possibility being
within reach. It gets harder when they are given constant reminders, such as
while faithfully reading their “Come, Follow Me” assignment a few weeks ago
that “<i>It is not good that man should be alone</i>” (Genesis 2:18). Later
this year we’ll study in Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 the following:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>“For if they fall, the one will
lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath
not another to help him up.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><i>“Again, if two lie together,
then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">With these constant reminders of the need for companionship,
what is a single member of the Church to do? Especially one for whom the
prospect of marriage seems perhaps not just dim but impossibly out of reach?
Recently David Archuleta posted a heartfelt <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CYwbqm8hqfu/">hour-long reflection</a> on his own personal difficulties in this
position. I soon after read a <a href="https://benschilaty.blogspot.com/2022/01/id-rather-not-be-single.html?fbclid=IwAR0xrI349UWlALqGH4Xf4ZBxcNqvIvQWYF0hmvMEpYWlJZWsj7pBF7U3-_c">blog-post response</a>
from another such member I’ve never met who similarly reflected on this plight
and raised the possibility of alternative paths forward that involve fidelity
to covenants while filling the need of companionship.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">These ideas aren’t entirely new. I’ve heard many gay members
of the Church weigh some of these possibilities and before meeting my wife I
myself once considered them. Most of them involve the idea of living in a close
non-sexual relationship with a person of the same gender while remaining active
in the Church. I know several members who currently are in these relationships
and making it work. Elder Christofferson’s brother Tom, who has remained single
for years as a faithful same-sex attracted member, recently mentioned that he’s
contemplating pursing such an arrangement. However, this choice is not without
controversy. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">These kinds of relationships seem to be within a wide
doctrinal gray zone, and there is absolutely no consistency on how local
leaders respond. Some have been encouraged by their bishops to seek healthy
companionship while staying active, while others have been told by their
bishops that these situations are sinful or tantamount to “the appearance of
evil” we are told to avoid. So where do I stand on this subject these days?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well, for starters, let’s ask a more basic question: Should
a same-sex attracted person be forbidden from having roommates? That to me
sounds ludicrous. I myself had many of them in college. If a member seeking a
close companion to live with refers to them as their “roommate” does that make
this idea more palatable to those who may resist the idea? There are no rules
against having friends, and certainly not against roommates. If a single member
has a long-term non-sexual roommate who they are particularly close friends
with, travel with, and maybe even share finances with and this gives them a
stable relationship that offers happiness and fulfillment, where is the harm in
that? And who cares what word is used to describe that relationship. (I go back
on forth on words sometimes; words definitely matter, but sometimes we forget
that they matter much less than the reality of what they are describing. But that’s
a post for another time…) If someone honestly wants to stay in full fellowship
in the Church and live up to covenants while not wanting to be lonely, let’s
encourage them in those pursuits. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The scriptures are actually overflowing with examples of such
close same-sex friendships. Recall the story of two recently widowed women who
opted to move in as roommates as Ruth said to Naomi, “<i>Entreat me not to
leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I
will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people,
and thy God my God.</i>” (Ruth 1:16).<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider the relationship between Jonathan and David, which
was incredibly close and described thus in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>And it came to pass… that the
soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his
own soul.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>And Saul took him that day, and
would let him go no more home to his father’s house.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>Then Jonathan and David made a
covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>And Jonathan stripped himself of
the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his
sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This relationship was so close they even formed a “covenant”
between them, denoting some formal commitment of their friendship. Further
examples are plentiful. Alma and Amulek; Mary and Martha; Joseph and Hyrum.
Notable also is the relationship between Jesus Christ and John, referred to as
“the Beloved” because of the closeness of his personal friendship with the
Savior, and who leaned on the Savior’s breast during the last supper. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Perhaps these stories serve as a reminder to all of us that
non-marital relationships, more commonly referred to as <i>friendships</i>, are
important and have value. We hear a lot of emphasis on the importance of
marriage, but perhaps not enough on the importance of other friendships. The
Lord wants us to have and make friends. The singles who stay that I know
personally seem to understand the value and power of friendship deeper than
most people I know. They’ve come to truly understand that power and I’ve
learned a lot from them and their example.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Of course, not all people in this category stay there
forever. For some, the dream of marriage eventually works out. Others choose to
marry someone of the same gender and either leave the Church entirely or remain
but outside of covenants. That too is a topic I’ve reflected a lot upon and
will save for part two in this series. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On a final note, I’d like to point out that while many of
these members find themselves “waiting on a miracle,” they are not constantly
beleaguered by sadness. My friends would definitely give me some reproach if I
made it sound like they are eternally depressed. Indeed, they are among the
happiest people I know. They so often radiate joy, and that joy comes from
their grounding in the gospel, as one of them reminded me very vividly just
last night. To all of you who are single but stay, I send you my love, my
respect, and my support. I love you.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>P.S. If you regularly follow the blog, you’ve probably
noticed that my consistency in posting has not been great. I’m a busy dad. So
don’t expect parts two and three to come out right away. It’s all written
loosely in my head, but getting it written down takes time. Thanks for your
patience!<o:p></o:p></i></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-59042710142702834262021-09-28T20:11:00.004-07:002021-09-28T20:11:49.552-07:00The Paradox of Joy and Emotional Health (2 Nephi 2:25)<p>I knew that trying to begin blogging again as a full-time
working husband and father of three with a heavy Church calling would be
difficult and inconsistent. My summer was particularly busy, so my blogging
fell by the wayside. But I haven’t given up and hope to still post a few more
times this year.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m currently a facilitator for a weekly Emotional
Resilience class offered through the Church’s self-reliance program. My wife
and I took this class together in one of the first beta groups last year and
got a lot of value out of it. In fact, it was one of the first catalysts in my
taking the steps to move forward this year past many of the problems I’d been
letting grow as outline in my posts earlier this year. In preparation for the
class to begin, the bishopric in my ward asked my to speak in sacrament about mental
and emotional health and to mention the class a resource for members. This blog
post is adapted from the ideas I expressed in that talk. I don’t write down
talks before I give them; I’ve found I give better talks when I just study the
topic in depth and then speak by the Spirit, armed with some tabbed scriptures
or quotes I know I’m likely to draw on. The advantage of writing this down on
the blog is that I have more liberty to give the “director’s cut” without the
time constraints of sacrament meeting, so I can share more. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I love studying paradoxes. Unraveling a surprising or
difficult intentional contradiction is very satisfying. The scriptures are full
of paradoxes, intentionally set up to make us think. An easy and well-known
example of a scriptural paradox comes from the Sermon on the Mount when Christ counsels
His followers to do good deeds “not… to be seen of men,” but rather “in secret”
so that not even our other left hand will know what the right is doing (see Matthew
6:2-4). And yet, only a couple minutes earlier in the same discourse He told
them let their light shine by acting so that men “may see your good works” (see
Matthew 5:15-16). The key to this very blatant paradox is, of course, intent. He
enjoins the shining of our light for the motive of glorifying the Father to
lead others to them, while shunning the motive of doing so just to be seen
ourselves. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A more complex scriptural paradox is wrapped up in a short
but oft-quoted verse in the Book of Mormon. Second Nephi 2:25 states, “Adam
fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” This may not
sound immediately like a paradox, but when we think about the two phrases
independently, we realize how contradictory this statement can seem. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s start with the first phrase, “Adam fell that men might
be.” In many a Sunday School class I’ve heard discussion of this part of the verse
focus on Adam and his choice in the garden of Eden. But while that is an
important event worth studying, this verse isn’t actually about the <i>man who
fell</i>, but about the <i>fall</i> itself. The fall did not just affect Adam
and Eve. It affected the world itself and all of us who have come after them.
We are all born into a fallen state in a fallen world. It is interesting that
this lens reminds us that the fall was not a<i> punishment</i> because we know
from other scriptures and notably the second Article of Faith that we are only
punished for our own sins, and not Adam’s transgression. Therefore, any consequence
of his choice that affects us is clearly not a punishment. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, the fall is not a punishment; that’s great in theory,
but it still can seem like one as we comprehend what the fall really IS. It was
the introduction of nearly all forms of hardship into the world. It disrupted
the peace of Eden with a natural world constantly at war or filled with
dangers. Notably, it also meant a change to the physical bodies of mankind: we
would now be prone to sickness, pain, and ultimately death. Adam fell to bring
this state of affairs into the world, which was apparently necessary “that men
might be.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s switch to the second clause now for a moment: “men
are, that they might have joy.” I wish to clarify an occasional misconception
often raised by this verse. It is <i>not</i> a “commandment to be happy.” It
isn’t actually a commandment at all, but a statement of what we are working
towards. When we interpret this as a commandment, we can draw dangerous
conclusions. Notably, we may begin to believe that when we are not happy for
any reason that it is because we have done something wrong or are somehow less
worthy. God doesn’t have a vendetta against sadness or any other feeling. We
know from countless scriptures that He feels those feelings too. In fact, we
famously read that “Jesus wept” when he heard the news of Lazarus’ death, even
though He already know he was going to raise Lazarus from the grave. So “having
joy” does not preclude feeling a full range of emotion, because joy is not the
same thing as happiness. I’ve come to understand joy in the scriptural sense as
a state of spiritual and emotional completeness. It certainly contains great
happiness, but also means we appropriately feel and can control all feelings rather
than being controlled by them. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So herein lies the paradox. In light of our understanding of
its phrases, we can restate the verse in a more verbose manner thus: In order
for us to fulfill our purpose of obtaining joy, we had to pass from the paradisiacal
Eden to the imperfect, pain-filled world of noxious weeds, thorns, and thistles,
whilst inhabiting a fallen body subject to a profane, untamed natural man. <i>We
had to relinquish a seeming pinnacle of happiness in order to ultimately attain
joy.</i> We’ve already unraveled some of the paradox by better understanding
what joy is—and that full completeness of spirit and emotion could not have
been attained in the innocence of Eden. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Recognizing and then comprehending this paradox reveals some
deep truths, specifically that out mortal trials are absolutely essential. So
essential, in fact, that God would never do us the disservice of taking them
all away from us, for in Eden we can’t find true joy. He does, however, help us
learn to overcome of better carry those trials. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Specifically regarding the subject of emotional and mental
health, the Lord, by way of the Fall, has given EVERYONE a challenge, though it
is greater for some than others. The experience of emotion is a complicated
dance between body and spirit which together constitute “the soul of man” (see
Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). We know enough from the relatively light
scriptural insight into the pre-mortal realm to know that we experienced
emotions of both happiness (see Job 38:7) and sadness (Isaiah 14:12) and assumedly
other emotions as well with only spirit bodies. And yet, we also know that our
bodies have built-in systems of hormones and receptors which regulate how we <i>experience</i>
those emotions, using chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins.
This is an essential part of a physical body, intended to work in this manner
to enhance how we experience and process our emotions and feelings in order to
be more like God, who also has a physical body. However, it also means we can
be vulnerable to being controlled by the natural man and vice versa. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Because of the conditions of the fall, these physical
systems are imperfect and untamed, even when they are functioning completely “normal”
from a medical perspective. The natural man has man has been “an enemy of God”
since “the fall of Adam,” and it lives in every one of us (see Mosiah 3:19). We
are prone to uncontrolled anger, fear, and other emotions that can cause us to
act against God even if nothing is wrong with our physical systems for
emotional processing. Of course, sometimes our physical systems can be compromised.
This may be obvious in the case of a broken leg, but often less so in the case
of a broken serotonin receptor. And because we sometimes believe in the
nonexistent “commandment to be happy” we may be prone to treating a physical
condition as if it is a sign of spiritual failing, which will definitely
enhance depression rather than solve it. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We thus have two main reasons we may face emotional or
mental instability in this life at different times:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->The natural man not being made to “yield.” This
will be experienced by EVERYONE at different points during their life.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Actual physical problems affecting the emotional
processing systems in our bodies, which will affect some people but not
everyone. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are a variety of options to address both of the above
root causes. Sadly I’ve seen sometimes in the Church a strong cultural resistance
to therapy or medical solutions, even to the second cause. If you broke a bone,
nobody would find it unacceptable to go to the doctor and seek help. But for
some reason getting help for our emotional systems, some of which may on
occasion be only reparable with medication, is seen as taboo. There is a
tendency to think <i>a cast for broken bones but prayers for broken feelings. </i>This
makes no sense, and according to Brigham Young, it’s also poor doctrine. People
would often come to him seeking a blessing for various ailments and he would
always first ask if they’d seen a doctor for the problem. If they answered “no”
because they simply wanted to be healed by faith, then he would refrain from
giving them a blessing, stating, “That is very inconsistent according to my
faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that
is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of
salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow,
without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to
me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and
[then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing
of my body.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’ve learned a lot this year about the importance of mental
and emotional health and the healing journey has been remarkable. I’ve begun
experiencing greater measures of <i>joy</i> as I’ve attended therapy and gotten
help. It has strengthened me spiritually. I know that God truly desires to give
us, as he states in Second Timothy 2:7, “power, love, and a <i>sound mind</i>.”
We do that by working through and learning from our trials rather than asking
them to be taken away from us. Remember, Adam gave up Eden so that you could
have your trials! And with those trials we can ultimately cause that natural
man to “become a saint” and find our fulness of joy. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>I hope that if you are experiencing an emotional or mental
health challenge, whether caused by spiritual or physical problems, that you
are also able to seek and get the help you need. There are some great resources
in the Emotional Resilience class materials the Church has produced, which you
can access by following the link below. From there, you can download the PDF to
get the manual; it also contains links to all the videos used in the course.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://na01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.churchofjesuschrist.org%2Fself-reliance%2Fcourse-materials%2Femotional-resilience-self-reliance-course-video-resources&data=04%7C01%7C%7C9ba66cc1d6224b175a4108d96bfc09c1%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C637659552497251107%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C1000&sdata=QW6w4tuUzwfbiCItAGFpyxI4eHg6sZHdMB%2FLJGkmWNk%3D&reserved=0">Emotional
Resilience (churchofjesuschrist.org)</a><o:p></o:p></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-56231349800326951122021-05-07T20:24:00.000-07:002021-05-07T20:24:01.280-07:00Help Thou Mine Unbelief (Mark 9:24)<p><span style="font-family: arial;">Nearly twelve years ago, shortly after I returned home from
my mission, I moved in with my grandmother to provide some live-in caregiving
and have a free place to stay as I prepared to start attending BYU. She loved
to watch movies in the evenings and I did a lot of catching up on movies I’d
missed while on my mission while I was there. One evening my uncle stopped by
with a movie I had not heard and he insisted we needed to watch it. The film
was “Doubt” starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the
story of a nun (played by Streep) who suspects that the new Father in their
parish (Hoffman) is sexually abusing some of the altar boys. In the end she fights
to get him reassigned based entirely on her conviction and circumstantial
evidence. At the end she delivers a heart-wrenching monologue to another nun
(Amy Adams) questioning whether she’s done the right thing and sobs that she
has “such doubts.” The film notably does not ever really let you know whether
he was in fact guilty, because that wasn’t the point. The point of the story
was a woman’s efforts to act with conviction to do what she truly believed was
right in the face of doubt. It was for me a poignant film that spoke
highly to one of my great struggles: that of doubt.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Back in February when I was disclosing my transgressions
of the last few years to my Bishop, he said something that resonated deeply
with me. He explained that just as I should always expect the possibility that
I will be attracted to men my whole life, I will similarly always experience
the trial of doubt, and will have to navigate that trial and make choices
despite the pressure of that trial. This was actually very eye-opening to me
and immediately struck me as true. It’s interesting that I have settled to a
point of calm with my attraction to men for nearly a decade now. But I have
never thought of doubt in that same way as something I will simply continue to
experience and need to plan for the long haul. And yes, I know some of you are
thinking that if I really was at peace with my attractions, why did I do the
things I did these last few years? But truthfully, my actions weren’t because of
my attractions; sure, those influenced the <i>flavor</i>, so to speak, of the
transgressions, but the choices themselves were more a crisis of both unresolved
trauma requiring therapy and of a crisis of faith caused by unchecked doubt.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2021/03/a-double-minded-man-james-18.html" target="_blank">Two posts ago</a> </span>I explained a
lot more of the details of my various transgressions over the last few years,
and explained how I came to understand what the scriptures refer to as being a “double-minded
man.” After explaining at length in that post what that means, I wanted to
follow-up and counter with what it <i>isn’t</i>. Being double-minded doesn’t
mean having conflicting feelings, thoughts, inclinations, or temptations.
Double-minded is when we actively try to live both of those things or try to
give place for both sides. In fact, only minutes after publishing that post in
late March, I read this quote from an <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.deseret.com/faith/2021/3/20/22326204/what-3-historians-learned-studying-the-life-and-papers-of-joseph-smith-ohio-church-history-lds" target="_blank">excellent interview</a> </span>with three historians on the Joseph Smith Papers Project,
regarding those who struggle with questions:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">A friend of mine gave this
advice. If you have two beliefs in your mind that appear to be contradictory,
you can allow them to coexist. For example, you may have a spiritual witness of
the Book of Mormon that led you to become converted to the church, and at the
same time you may have questions or doubts about some aspect of church history.
It is totally compatible to have a testimony of the gospel and the Restoration
while having questions or confusion about some aspects of the history.
Questions and doubts are natural. Turn to the Lord in humility and be patient
as you wait for his help and his answers. Seek, seek, seek, and wait, wait,
wait for answers. Don’t stop doing the spiritual things while you are seeking
and waiting. Sometimes the answer is to be at peace with something even though
you don’t understand it. The answers and comfort and peace you seek will come,
and they will come through the Spirit. I know many people whose testimonies
became stronger after periods of doubt and uncertainty.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Note that second sentence. You CAN have two contradictory
beliefs without resolution and I don’t think this makes you “double-minded” in
the sense I was describing. Once again, double-mindedness occurs when we try to
ACT in contradictory ways and live two conflicting realities—a way of living I
became quite familiar with. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I have for years carried great guilt and shame for my
doubts. I now realize that my doubts are no more reason for guilt or shame than
my attraction to men, my love for chocolate, or my penchant for music by
Rachmaninoff. These are all things I experience, and they CAN influence my
decision-making, some for better, some for worse, and some for neutral. But it’s
the choices that matter. I gave a lot of place to grow and entertain and act
upon my doubts. That was my choice, and I am responsible for those choices. But
having doubt is simply part of my nature.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I think some confusion on this matter comes from how some
scriptures are worded, which may require a distinguishing of how the same
terminology can be meant in different ways. For example, Doctrine &
Covenants 6:36 says, “<i>Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.</i>”
We are here commanded not to doubt, which can certainly lead to feelings of
shame or guilt when we inevitably experience doubts. But I think this scripture,
like any scripture that is commandment, is still speaking only to our choices. Maybe
I’m pulling at semantic straws here, but I think there is big difference
between experiencing doubt and choosing actively to doubt. And I’m kind of an
authority on the subject because I’ve experienced a lot of both! I don’t think
the Lord condemns us for our doubts, but He may chasten us for what we choose to
do with them. We can choose to reach to Him when we doubt. Two stories from the
New Testament illustrate this principle well. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">In Mark chapter nine, we read of a desperate father with a
child overcome with “a dumb spirit” and seemingly from the description, perhaps
several medical maladies of various sorts. He loves his son and has tried many
things to help him for years. In desperation he has already come to the disciples,
who have been unsuccessful in helping him. He now has come directly to Jesus to
petition for relief. Christ counsels him in verse 23, “<i>If thou canst
believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.</i>” Without hesitation
(“straightaway” in the scriptural parlance) the father in verse 24 “<i>cried
out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.</i>” The
Lord then heals the man’s son. The man in the story acknowledged his doubts.
But he has clearly acted in faith, trying repeatedly for years to seek healing
for his son. He has held onto his faith after repeatedly pleading and seeing no
miracles yet through all that time. When even the Savior’s disciples, who by
then already had their own reputations as miracle-workers, could also not cure
him, he had every reason to give into those doubts. But he acted in faith. He
cried out, with tears, for the Lord to bless him for whatever faith he could
muster and fill in the gaps where his faith fell short. And the Lord blessed
him for acting in faith rather than rebuking him for experiencing doubt.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">On another particularly famous occasion, as recorded in
Matthew chapter fourteen, Christ’s apostles are struggling in a boat without
him amidst a storm. They’ve already seen him calm a storm previously, but now
they are without him as they cross the sea of Galilee and fear for their lives.
Just then they see him, miraculously, walking across the water towards them. His
bold chief apostle Peter immediately asks permission to do the same. As we
know, he walks a few steps and then, seeing the “boisterous wind” begins to
sink in his fear. He immediately cries out for the Lord to save him, and the
Lord does so. When I hear people recount this story a lot of emphasis is often placed
on Peter’s doubt, as if to hold him up as a bad example of faith. But I would
ask, how many other disciples even got out of the boat? Peter’s faith let him
walk on water. He DID doubt, but even when he did, his immediate response was
to call out to the Lord for help. What a wonderful example and spiritual
victory! The point of the story, to me, is not that Peter doubted, but that he
acted in faith and when confronted with doubt, he called on the Lord for help.
We will all experience doubt, and when we call on the Lord to help us amidst
those doubts, he will do so instead of letting us drown because we doubted. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Interestingly, and as an echo to the counsel my bishop gave
me, it seems Peter continued to struggle with doubt his whole life as well. There
are several instances which show glimpses of that doubt during the Savior’s ministry, but
even long after when Peter has been leading the Church for a decade, we read in
Acts 10:17 that Peter continued to face doubts, even in the moments after receiving
glorious visions from on high. Peter was a man who faced doubts and acted in
faith and it seems abundantly clear that the Lord is very pleased with his
ministry and the bold acts of faith he made despite being someone who chronically
experienced doubt. His sometimes-great doubts coexisted with his faith—a faith
mighty enough to walk on water. I experience the comingling of doubt and faith
every day.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">So, having established that the experience of doubt does not
condemn us, we turn now to the <i>choices</i> which <i>can</i>. May I offer
some terminology to clarify this distinction? The doubt in these two stories I
would term <i>passive doubt</i>: a condition which we deal with wherein we
naturally will experience doubt while in mortality, and which may coexist with
mighty faith. A second term would be <i>active doubt</i>: when we choose to act
in doubt rather than acting in faith. This can be in subtle ways we entertain
those doubts and begin spending time trying to align our beliefs more with our
doubts than our faith. In can be in more flagrant ways, such as using our
doubts as justification for our behaviors of unfaithfulness to our spouse. This
is the form of doubt which we are counseled against when told to “doubt not,
fear not.”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">While studying references related to doubt, I was initially
surprised to see a passage I’ve actually considered to be a hallmark scripture
on faith listed in the Topical Guide under “Doubt.” In fact, I referenced this scripture
in my <span style="color: red;"><a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2021/04/sword-and-lamp-bread-and-rain-rod-and.html" target="_blank">last post</a> </span>to demonstrate how the scriptures
build faith. But, sure enough, there is in the middle of the verse, a warning
about active doubt. The verse is Alma 32:28, which reads (with my emphasis):<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">Now, we will compare the word
unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart,
behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, <b>if ye do not cast it out by
your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord,</b> behold, it will
begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions,
ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good
seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it
beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to
me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the middle we see a caution to not cast the seed out
because of our unbelief or doubt. In doing so we “resist” the Lord. He sends us
His Spirit and the scriptures to entice us towards doing what is right. Active
doubt tries to build a defense system against those spiritual pulls. Sometimes
we WANT our doubts to win, so that we don’t have to accept the harder parts of
the gospel. I certainly have been there. And of course, the sad result of doing
so is missing out on the “delicious” fruit of the gospel which grows when we
act in faith instead, even if the best we can do to act in faith is to cry out
for help when the doubt seems too great, even as Peter and the afflicted boy’s
father did.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Active doubt is, of course, self-sustaining. When we act in
doubt, we breed greater doubt. And acting against the commandments naturally
breeds doubt as our brains have to grab a life raft of justification to keep
from being crushed under a blanket of cognitive dissonance. The Lord warns us
of this in Deuteronomy, a book which serves as the Lord’s ancient dissertation on
faithfulness to covenant life. In chapter 28 we are warned of the effects and
natural consequences of sin. Among those consequences, we are warned in verse
66 that our lives will “<i>hang in doubt</i>” when we turn away from the Lord. So
active doubt breeds sin breeds more doubt. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">The great turning point of regaining my testimony this year
after years of repeating that cycle of active doubt began when in desperation I
prayed privately for the Lord to help me feel my faith, or in other words, to
help me in mine unbelief. Reflecting back on this consequential prayer I offered
five months ago, I note that I did not find myself praying for relief from
sexual addiction or temptation. I was praying for faith amidst doubt and to
feel the influence of the Spirit which I had cast out and resisted, and <i>that</i>
is what helped everything start to turn for me. I still experience doubts. Some
days they are small and some days they seem mighty and overwhelming. But I am choosing
faith, because I also experience faith. Some days it seems small and some days
it feels mighty and empowering. But I’m learning to not condemn myself for the
current status of my mix of faith and passive doubt. I am choosing to act in
faith and leave active doubt behind, and it has begun to be delicious to me. I
feel the Lord offering the miracle of spiritual healing and pulling me from the
depths of the sea before I drown. And those witnesses are building my faith.
The overall trajectory is upwards, even if there is some oscillation along the
way. And I have hope that through Christ I will continue to conquer my doubts
through controlling them, even if I recognize that they will be with me for the
long run.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">--Obadiah</span><o:p></o:p></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-45286328910743209632021-04-15T19:11:00.002-07:002021-04-15T19:11:35.191-07:00Sword and Lamp, Bread and Rain, Rod and Seed (D&C 14:2)<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the descriptive paragraph atop this blog, I define it as
the story of my relationship with the scriptures. As I’ve been tracing “what
went wrong” <i>(see the last two posts if you haven’t already)</i> in recent
years, one of the clearest causes I’ve identified was letting my personal
scripture study fall by the wayside. One of the great joys of my repentance has
been a new courtship with the scriptures, and so far, we’ve had some really
great dates!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I’ve tried hard to study the weekly <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-doctrine-and-covenants-2021?lang=eng">“Come,Follow Me”</a> </span>chapters each week, as well as some conference talks and personal
topical study. The first week I started really re-committing to a
never-miss-a-day habit of scripture study back in February, the “Come, Follow
Me” chapters for the week included Doctrine and Covenants 14, and a study
activity in <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-doctrine-and-covenants-2021/08?lang=eng">that week’s personal study outline </a></span>included
a list of cross references for verse 2, which compares the scriptures to a
sword. Each cross reference lists another metaphor for the scriptures. It was a
delightfully appropriate thing to focus on as I rebooted my scripture study habit
and explored how I want to use the scriptures going forward. I’d like to share
some of the insights I gained from that activity.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">The initial verse the activity references from the reading
block, as mentioned, is Doctrine and Covenants 14:2, which says:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">Behold, I am God; give heed to
my word, which is <b>quick</b> and <b>powerful</b>, <b>sharper</b> than a
two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore
give heed unto my word.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">This initial metaphor makes the scriptures sound almost menacing
at a first glance. But looking at each descriptive word used here, I think we
see a different message:</span></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Word is QUICK</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;">:
It creates change, and does so rapidly, as soon as we humbly receive it. I’ve
distinctly noticed a rapid, incredible change in my life over the last two
months as I’ve re-immersed myself in the scriptures each day.</span> </span></li><li><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Word is POWERFUL</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;">: It
facilitates MIGHTY change. In other passages the Lord specifically points to
the scriptures as one of the great conduits to unlock the blessings of the
Atonement in our lives. How much more powerful could it get than that?</span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Word is SHARP</span></b><span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%;">:
Like a sword diving joints and marrow, the scriptures divide between good and
evil. It can be painful to receive the truths when they cause us discomfort! It
is not something to be taken lightly.</span></span></span></li></ul><div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">The Word as a Sword is not meant as a threat—though it contains
a warning to give respect. It is a reminder of the immense power of the
scriptures to change our lives if we allow it to pierce our hearts.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Following is a collection of the additional insights I
gained about the scriptures by reading the other references in the “Come,
Follow Me” activity:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Psalm 119:105</b> reads:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"> <i>Thy
word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.<o:p></o:p></i></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">A favorite religion professor at BYU used to tell me, “A
psalm a day keeps the devil away, so if every day you read a psalm while eating
an apple, you can go all day without seeing any doctors or lawyers!” All joking
aside, the psalms truly are beautiful and number 119 is one of the greatest (as
a child randomly perusing the scriptures during sacrament meetings, I loved
looking through that one just because it has the letters of the Hebrew alphabet
listed throughout, and I thought they looked cool). <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I love the imagery in this line. The Word is a lamp to our
FEET. It is a guidance system, showing us which way to walk. It often isn’t
going to show us everything—just enough to help us move forward a bit in the
right direction. Sometimes we may be left a little confused because we don’t
have enough light to see the whole journey. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Isaiah 55:10-11 </b>reads:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">For as the rain cometh down, and
the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and
maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to
the eater:<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">So shall my word be that goeth
forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall
accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I
sent it.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Matthew 4:4 </b>reads:<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">But he answered and said, It is
written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth
out of the mouth of God.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">These two passages both speak of God’s Word as nourishment.
Isaiah compares it to rain that nourishes the land, while the passage from
Matthew compares it to bread that nourishes the body. Isaiah’s comparison mentions
that God expects a return on His investment when He sends the rain, and so with
us and the scriptures. He sends them to grow our souls. We recently had a
Family Night lesson with our children where we compared our testimonies to
plants. We don’t have a particularly great track record with house plants, and
some of them often look pretty scraggly. But some are very resilient, and even
if pieces of them die, they can usually be nourished back to health. The longer
we go without adding the water of God’s word consistently to our testimonies,
the weaker they get. But as soon as we begin watering again, we revive and nourish
the plant. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">The bread analogy also in instructive in its phrasing, that
by the Word of God we LIVE. Our whole lives our made better by studying the
scriptures. It doesn’t just nourish our testimonies. Our marriage, our
self-worth, even our skills and talents can all be improved upon when we take
time each day to feast upon the Bread of Life. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>First Nephi 15:23-24 </b>reads: <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">And they said unto me: What
meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">And I said unto them that it was
the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold
fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the
fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away
to destruction.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b>Alma 32:28 </b>reads: <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i><span style="font-family: arial;">Now, we will compare the word
unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart,
behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your
unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to
swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will
begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or
that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth
to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">Here we see two particularly famous analogies from the Book
of Mormon. In the first, perhaps the most famous comparison in Latter-day Saint
theology, we have a comparison reminiscent of the lamp in Psalm 119: it is a
guidance system, but not one which shows us the entire path, just enough for us
to rely on one step at a time. Much has been spoken previously and <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/continually-holding-fast?lang=eng">talks have been given</a> </span>about the differences in results
for those who never grabbed the rod, versus those who merely were “clinging” to
the rod, versus those who were “continually holding fast.” I have seen that
difference keenly in recent years. I’ve seen how reading your scriptures is
better than not reading, but better still is <i>studying</i> them. The
difference is a matter of intent, of effort, and perhaps approach. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">The second analogy here, from Alma, connects to the earlier
nourishment analogies, but here the formula is flipped: the Word is the seed
and WE have to nourish it to let it grow within us. And of course we see and
feel the true growth of ourselves as we do. But, like the rod analogy, there is
a suggestion here of effort needed. As a poor graveyard of dead houseplants
that have entered the doors of our home can testify, plants need constant care,
not just casual appreciation. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">If you are looking to increase your scripture study, the
best advice I can possibly give is to keep a study journal. A wise seminary teacher
told me, “your pen is your lightning rod for inspiration!” I have found this to
be remarkably true. When I approach the scriptures with journal and pen in hand
and write the date at the top before I begin, it’s like I’m telling the Lord, “I
am read to receive, so please send me something!” I then just start writing down
my reactions to what I’m reading and sometimes learn a lot more that way. On
occasion, I even find this is the best way to unlock spiritual moments of true
revelation while studying. Deep moments like that won’t happen every time you
study with a journal, but I’ve rarely ever had them happen without. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: arial;">I’m happy to say that for two months as of today I haven’t
missed a day of at least reading the scriptures, and most of those days it has
been real studying. That’s the longest streak I’ve had in years, and so far
just in these two months I’ve seen incredible healing, on par with that received
through therapy, connection, and other parts of my repentance process. And, of
course, that makes sense: the scriptures are a direct conduit to the power of
the Atonement with its transformative power.</span><o:p></o:p></p></div><p></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-13098092824449099592021-03-23T19:52:00.000-07:002021-03-23T19:52:55.968-07:00A Double-minded Man (James 1:8)<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal">In my <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2021/03/confused-at-grace-hymn-193.html">last post </a>I spoke
heavily about repentance, and lightly about the mistakes I’ve made in recent years
which facilitated that repentance. Tonight, I will be delving a bit more into some
of my specific transgressions. And I don’t believe it is necessary to focus
overwhelmingly on our mistakes, but taking some time to carefully reflect can
teach us a lot about ourselves and how we can improve. This is my purpose here.
I won’t be sharing any explicit sexual detail, but I want to issue a trigger
warning for those who may have a hard time with either memories of their own
past mistakes, or for spouses who have experienced what is termed “betrayal
trauma,” so please decide if it’s best for you to continue reading.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As I’ve considered my mistakes from the last few years, I’ve
been stunned to confront many of my weaknesses, and more shocking to me than my
violations of chastity have been my violations of honesty and integrity. For
this reason, as I’ve been repenting and rehabilitating this year, I’ve devoted
some of my scripture study to a topical study of these subjects. I’ve been
reading through the list of scriptures listed under these headers in the <span style="color: red;"><a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/tg?lang=eng">Topical Guide</a></span> of the Latter-day Saint edition of the
Scriptures. Under “Integrity” one verse has stood out the most to me, despite
not mentioning the actual word at all. This brief one-liner from James 1:8 says
the following:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><i>“A
double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.”<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I described in part in my last post that I often felt
divided, like two different people in the same body. There was the good guy and
bad guy each acting very separately. And yet I really was just one person,
divided in half. This verse is an adequate description of my life during that
time. Allow me to illustrate by sharing a deeper look at the erotic encounter I
briefly alluded to last time.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In June of 2019, I traveled for work to attend a multi-day
conference in another state. By this time, I had already escalated from merely
pornographic internet use to chatting with a wide variety of men secretly online
with a fake account. One who I had connected with lived in the city I was
travelling to. He was actually a very nice person; not just some stereotypical
internet connection looking for quick sex (though that was more what I was
looking for). In fact, he made it very clear that he’d love to meet up with me
and would do a lot of things with me, but didn’t want to have full sex the
first time he met with someone. And so, during the second night of my trip he
came to my hotel room and we talked, touched, and then did a lot of other
things. After we were done I wrote him a single email telling him it was best
if we didn’t take things any further and we never communicated ever again. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It’s difficult for me to write what I just shared. It’s even
more difficult for me write or even comprehend what happened just before he
arrived. Ten minutes before he got to my hotel room I got off the phone with my
wife, during which call we had said a nightly prayer together and told each
other we loved each other, and I said I was really tired and looking forward to
going right to bed. Throughout the call I’d also been admiring an adorable
drawing/note my oldest child had snuck into my suitcase to cheer me up so I, to
quote the note, wouldn’t “be lonely.” After the phone call was over, I quickly
hid the drawing and my wedding ring in a drawer so that my visitor wouldn’t
figure out that I was married or had children. I then changed out of my garments.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And here’s the kicker: in both my interactions with my wife
and this man I <i>felt</i> completely honest at the time. I wasn’t lying when I
told my wife I loved her or how much she meant to me. I felt and meant it every
time I said it. We’ve had a happy marriage; not a perfect marriage, but a very
happy and fulfilling one. We were not going through any rough trial in our
relationship at the time. I was living a happy married life, but also on the side
living a disconnected second life where I also meant the things I said to this
other man. I’ve spent the last few years as a double-minded man and see how
thoroughly <i>unstable</i> I’ve been in all my ways as a result. In fact, after
the man left my hotel room, I had basically a complete mental breakdown that
lasted for several hours.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Living two different lives, even if both seem somehow “true”,
is still 100% dishonest. The process of disclosing to my wife and bishop has
caused a large curtain of division in my mind to come crashing down and the two
sides are being integrated. This has clearly shown me just how unstable I had
become. But I’ve felt more stable and certain and peaceful in recent weeks
since confessing than I have in a long time. Many fears have departed and I
feel I have more stability and control than I ever have, though there is still
much to mentally resolve.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It is also interesting that the verse I’ve referenced here immediately
follows the famous verses in the first chapter of James which prompted Joseph
Smith to pray and receive the First Vision. It is James’ follow-up verse to his
discussion on what he means by “nothing wavering” when we ask in Faith. I think
he’s saying you can’t really ask of God with nothing wavering if you are a “double-minded
man,” and therefore according to verse 7, you have no promise of getting a
valid response. No wonder many of my prayers felt so empty during the last few
years: I was a double-minded man. My prayers have felt so much more present and
blessed since coming clean.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I really find myself fixated on a verse of scripture, I
often like to spend time exploring all the cross-references given. There are
three additional verses referenced in the footnote of James 1:8 under the word “double-minded,”
and each sheds a little more light on the subject. The first is in 1 Kings
18:21, and says:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>“And Elijah came unto all the
people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God,
follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a
word.”<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">These are the words of Elijah as he begins his famous
contest with the priests of Baal, wherein he mocks them for a day before
calling down fire from heaven to prove the reality of Jehovah as greater than
their fake and feeble deity. For three years I was trying to make sacrifices at
both altars, thinking I could have both lives. But you can’t. Sooner or later
we all have to make a choice because, remember, being double-minded is
inherently unstable in every way. You either have to choose, or let things
collapse. I also felt when I read this verse that unlike the sheepish audience
of spectators who “answered him not a word,” I need to be more vocal in declaring
that I choose the side of the Lord. This was actually one of the verses where I
felt prompted to take up blogging again.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The next footnote reference is Psalm 12:2, which reads:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>“They speak vanity every one
with his neighbour: with flattering lips and with a double heart do they speak.”<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There’s so much to unpack in this verse for me. I wrote a
hefty amount in my journal about this one. So much that I might have to share
more in another post. The short version is this: I am a people pleaser. It’s
part of my personality to want to give others what they want and not disappoint
them. This actually played into a lot of the escalation of my online behavior
over the last few years. In reading verses like this in the past, I’ve always
seen it as a warning to not be led astray by those who try to flatter you into
doing what’s wrong. This time it hit me strongly that I was being warned to not
<i>be</i> the person with the double heart speaking vanity to my neighbor, and I
am naturally prone to being that person. Once again, I’m probably going to
expand on this one more in the future.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The final reference is from the book of Hosea, which, you
may remember, begins with a beautiful lesson of God’s redemption and forgiveness
told through the story of an unfaithful spouse. This reference, however, is
from later in the book. Chapter 10 verse 2 says:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><i>“Their heart is divided; now
shall they be found faulty: he shall break down their altars, he shall spoil
their images.”<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If our hearts are divided, we are found “faulty.” If
unfixed, we stand the risk of being completely broken down alongside our false
altars and spoiled images. And that is where this verse speaks to the very core
of <b>integrity</b>, a word we’ve used to refer to moral honesty that holds up
even when nobody else is around, but which primarily refers to <b>wholeness</b>
or <b>completeness</b>. For example, if you’re a Star Trek fan like I am, you
know that when Captain Janeway gets a report from Ensign Kim about Voyager’s “Hull
Integrity,” she’s not asking whether the ship is telling lies—she wants to know
how close the ship is to breaking into more than one piece! Being “double-minded,”
or having a “divided heart” means we lack wholeness. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Growing in integrity means becoming SINGLE-minded, but
focused on the right thing: once we stop being halted between our two opinions,
we need to choose Jehovah, not Baal! As other scriptures say, we must keep our “eye
single to the glory of God.” And that is easier said than done. So many things
vie for our attention. And Satan sneaks in not by trying to make us choose <i>between
</i>good or evil, but by making us believe we can somehow have both. And for a
while you may think you can; but ultimately you discover that being double-minded
is truly unstable in all ways.<o:p></o:p></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-33821334600915204822021-03-09T19:17:00.004-08:002021-03-09T19:26:04.283-08:00Confused at the Grace (Hymn 193)<p>I started my blog nearly ten years ago as I began coming to terms
with my sexuality. It has now been over seven years since I updated it. The
blog always served two purposes: (1) to act as a personal cathartic channel for
my feelings as I navigated that period of my life, and (2) to share my feelings
so that others in a similar situation would know they are not alone. By the time
I quit blogging, the first reason had faded away quite distinctly: I had found
a sense of peace and balance and no longer struggled as much with internal
conflict. I was happy. The second reason remained, but I figured my blog was
still there for people to access if they wanted to hear the story, and life
became very busy after I graduated BYU and got a real job. Then I became a
father and life got even busier. Several times I thought of blogging again, but
it just didn’t rise high enough in the priority chain.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So why am I back? A lot has happened since then and I’ve
been coming through what I’d label a “second period of crisis” regarding my
sexual and spiritual identities. As I have, I’ve seen both of those main
reasons for blogging come back to life: I am working through difficult feelings
again, and also have new experiences and insights I feel are worth sharing so
that others may feel a little less alone. However, I also think my approach is
going to be different this time, in a few key ways I’ll describe later on.
First, let me explain a little more about what has brought me to the point
where I’m at.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As mentioned above, since my last post I graduated from BYU
and got a really awesome job that brought me out of Utah and into Texas, where
we’ve lived since 2014. In 2015 we had our first child and being a father has just
been the most incredible experience: so challenging, so rewarding. We’ve had
two more children since then, in 2017 and 2019 respectively. With each child
both the challenges and rewards have increased. I imagine that reflections on
parenting and becoming the parent I want to be may be featured here moving
forward, but it wasn’t parenting that brought me back to the blog.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Starting in the latter half of 2017, a period of depression
combined with a spiritual malaise led to me resurrecting some old bad habits,
beginning with browsing homo-erotic stories online. I had let many important
gospel habits grow stale, especially consistent personal scripture study and
meaningful personal <i>praying</i> as opposed to just “saying prayers.” I also
had just grown busy and exhausted, and on top of it all, I simply felt like I
had not felt the Spirit in a very long time. This was the beginning of a break
in my testimony as I was giving a lot of room to my doubts, but not doing much
to help my belief.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">From 2018 onward, things escalated to gradually worse and
worse mistakes. I’m not intending to explore all the details in this post,
though I do plan to share a bit more in future posts, not because I think we
all need to air our transgressions or place a lot of focus on them, but because
some greater detail may be necessary context for some of the lessons I’ve
learned, and some details may also help someone else caught in the same
problems. I don’t plan on giving any explicit details. The two main things I’ll
share briefly now are these: lots of online chatting with other gay men online,
and an erotic (though not fully sexual) in-person encounter with a man in 2019.
For today’s post that’s all you need to know for context, but what I really
want to share is how everything has changed for the better in my life recently.
<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During the first two months of 2020, I began curiously
growing in two different directions. The misbehaving side was actively seeking
another experience with a man. But at the same time, a recent move to a new house
made it easier for me to begin taking public transportation to work each day,
and I began using that time to restart the habit of studying my scriptures.
With that, I felt like my testimony became reawakened, even if slightly. The result
was a lot of conflict. I could sense things building to a breaking point. And then
the COVID-19 pandemic began and locked the world down. This had the positive
effect of spoiling some plans I’d had to meet up with another man. But it also crushed
my newly regained scripture study habit as working from home changed my schedule
and removed the need to use public transportation. So the building conflict was
for a time tamped down into a period of spiritual limbo. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During the years since I last blogged, I remained a member
of the North Star Facebook group for Same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints, but just
as my blogging had fallen off, so had my active participation there. But I did
occasionally see posts from others and on rare occasions even commented on
them. Shortly after the pandemic began, I saw a post in my feed from a man
asking if there were others in the same area of Texas I live in within the
group. In the previous few years I may have ignored and moved on, but this time
I decided to throw my name onto his post. This resulted in a friend request
from this same individual and one other. I chatted briefly with each of them
via Facebook Messenger and we got to know each other at a high, superficial
level. One of them (I’ll refer to him hereafter in this post as “X”) invited me
to join a local in-person SSA men’s support group (temporarily virtual at the
time due to COVID) that met every other week that had made a big difference for
him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I politely declined at the time,
saying (laughably dishonestly), that I was good and was really at a stable
place with my attractions and didn’t really need that at the time. This really
would have been a true statement for the period of 2013-2017, but clearly by
this point things had spun out of control and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that
I needed help.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Later that year, I had a few very brief but powerful
spiritual experiences that gave me these short but bright glimpses into the
faith I had once had but felt disconnected from. This did not equate to a true
restoration of my testimony, but certainly gave me a stronger desire than I’d felt
in years to get it back and feel the Spirit and the truth of the gospel the way
I once had. I felt a great urgency about this, because even though I hadn’t met
in person with another man due to the pandemic, some of my other bad online
habits were beginning to escalate again. Near the end of last year, two important
things happened. First, “X” invited me to the local group again, and this time
I initially gave a more tentative response. Second, I offered a real prayer. I once
had amazing, spiritual prayers, but hadn’t prayed that way in years. I tried to
tap into that kind of prayer again. It wasn’t completely successful; I still
didn’t feel the Spirit. But I felt so sincere in my pleadings, perhaps the most
sincere I had ever prayed. I begged to be able to feel the Spirit again the way
I once had, if not right away, then within the next day. Beautifully, the next
day I had a brief instant, unexpectedly at a mundane moment, where I received a
startlingly clear glimpse of how it had felt to know it was true. It seemed
unprompted by any specific event and left as quickly as it came. But it gave me
something to hold onto and keep moving forward, as if to say, “If you start
making the right choices, this is how you could feel again.” As I pondered that
moment and tried to decide what to do, one of the conclusions I reached, and
even believed the Spirit was pushing me towards, was to reply to “X” and ask to
begin participating in the group during 2021. Was I fully sure it was the Spirit
telling me that at the time? No. But I decided that if what I wanted was to
feel the Spirit, then if I even believed that maybe I was getting a prompting,
I should listen.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So I replied and got the information for the first meeting
of the year. I was put in contact with a member of the group (let’s call him “Z”)
who would be hosting it at his house that week. “Z”, it turns out, worked in
the same industry I did and was also married with kids, so we were able to quickly
connect and become friends over our many shared interests and experiences. In
fact, the group as a whole was filled with these very humble, very faithful men,
each of whom had walked a difficult path. They were very welcoming. I had no
idea what to expect in attending the first meeting. I thought maybe this was
really just a loose get together of similar guys to talk or maybe, I dunno,
play board games? Or something? What I got instead was essentially a faith-based
group therapy session. And it was mind-opening. I was not the only first-time
attendee that night, and to help the two new guys feel more comfortable, at the
end of that first session another member shared his story with us. Out of
respect for that group and the understanding of trust we have, I won’t ever be
sharing specifics of what anyone discusses, but suffice it to say I was touched
at a deep level by his courage. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I first decided to go to the group, I was not intending
to necessarily share everything I’d recently been going through. In fact, I
really planned to just attend and learn and use it to help me spiritually
improve so I could stop making the bad choices I’d been making, and never have
to tell anyone. But it turns out it doesn’t work that way. Lasting change doesn’t
happen shrouded in secrecy. The Lord knows the truth anyway, so if we pretend
we needn’t confess, we are only lying to ourselves. For the first month or so,
I simply became better friends with some of these men and started vaguely
reaching out to “Z” when I was feeling tempted (or had just had a slip-up) to tell
him I was feeling “spiritually low” and could use a lift. He was always ready
to help supply that lift, and didn’t pry. He did, however, one day say basically
that if I was dealing with something more than just “spiritual lowness” I could
share with him and he’d be there to help without judgment. But he didn’t push.
The more I saw the good examples of these other men and heard stories from
several who’d gone through a proper repentance process, the more my dishonesty
and years of secrets ate away at me. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Up to this point, I had been very vague with my wife as to
why I suddenly wanted to start going to this group. She knew about my same sex
attraction early on in our dating life and it really had not been something we
had talked much about for years. I had also been very discreet in my misdeeds
and had never given her reason to believe there was anything wrong. But at the
beginning of the year I explained to her that going to the group was just
something I felt I should do and she was very supportive, even if maybe a
little confused. After my third group meeting, on February 11, I didn’t sleep
all night. I was wrestling with the idea of telling my wife about everything.
By the end of that night I had decided I would tell her… <i>some</i> things, so
she’d know I was working through some addictions and trying to improve, but
without telling her <i>everything</i>. So that Saturday, February 13, we were
talking after the kids went to bed and I told her in rather vague terms that I
had made some mistakes that I felt I needed to tell her about. I started to
really break down at this point, and of course so did she a little, but she was
very supportive at the same time. I told her I didn’t think I could tell her
everything then, but that it was something we needed to talk about soon. (By
the way, this is a very… <i>unusual</i> way to kick off Valentine’s day!)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That night I basically had a full mental and emotional breakdown.
I cried most of the night. And of course, you can imagine my wife was left just
wondering what terrible things I would be sharing. But I didn’t know how to
proceed. I texted “Z” to tell him where I was at and that I needed to talk with
him. The next morning we talked for a long time. He started by sharing more of
his own personal experiences with me, and by the time he was done I knew that I
couldn’t just confess part-way—I had to tell everything. So I started by
telling him on that phone call. I sobbed my way through all the major things
and then begged for help. He gave me some very clear and great advice about how
to approach disclosure with your spouse. He also told me he was a great listening
ear, but not a qualified counselor in these issues and that I needed to speak
with a therapist before disclosing. I didn’t have a therapist. But “Z” did, and
he actually had a session scheduled the next day which he immediately sacrificed
so I could use his appointment instead. I had promised my wife that I would
speak with her by Wednesday evening so she wasn’t left hanging too long. I
spoke with the therapist on Tuesday evening and besides helping me work through
some issues, he gave me some very critical advice for how to approach disclosing
to my wife. With that advice fresh in my head, we decided to talk that evening.
<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Telling my wife what I’d done was the hardest thing I had
done up to that point in my life. I was genuinely terrified that by the end, I
would be at serious risk of losing my wife and my children. Others have lost
their spouses for far less than I had done. Of course my wife was hurt, probably
to a degree deeper than anything she has ever experienced. But she also made it
clear that she planned to stay with me and help me out of the pit I’d dug. I
was stunned, ashamed, grateful, devastated, and every other possible emotion at
the same time. This was the beginning of a series of deep and meaningful
conversations on a wide variety of subjects in recent weeks that have
thoroughly strengthened our relationship and helped us find ways to improve our
marriage.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The next day I began to thinking about the next major hurdle
I needed to clear: telling my bishop. I needed this repentance to be complete,
and I needed my wife to know that I wanted to be right with not only her, but
the Lord. As an aside, if you paid attention to the news last month you may
remember that this was the same week that Winter Storm Uri blanketed Texas in
snow and caused multi-day catastrophic power outages. (We were incredibly blessed
to never lose power, though many around us did; I think the Lord knew we could
emotionally handle only so much that week). Anyway, while I was in the thought
of talking to my bishop, he called me! Scared me to death. But he was calling
just to ask if I could assist in checking on a few members of our ward affected
by the power outages. I said yes, and did so, the whole while wondering if I
should wait a while to tell my bishop until I’d calmed down more emotionally
(these days I was crying at least hourly and was a complete mess). I texted “Z”
to ask if he thought I should wait a while, or at least until talking to my
therapist again. He gently suggested that the sooner I spoke with him the
better. That night I called the Bishop again and asked if I could meet with
him.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The next day I did the next hardest thing I’d ever done as I
talked through everything with my bishop. It was nearly three hours. Three beautiful,
healing hours. Just as I had after telling my wife, somehow I felt good at the
end of the conversation. I felt a remarkable amount of mercy, instead of the
condemnation I expected and felt I deserved. I have often found myself since
then, as C.S. Lewis described it, “Surprised by Joy.” I’m shocked and confused
at how quickly my life is getting better. Now make no mistake: I still have
many conflicted emotions I’m struggling through and personal weaknesses to confront,
but from that week forward my life has started to be filled with light again.
And to a greater degree than ever before in my life, I’m beginning to
understand the words of that beautiful and familiar hymn which say:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><i>I stand
all amazed at the Love Jesus offers me,<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Confused
at the GRACE that so fully he proffers me.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
marvel to know that for ME, HE was crucified;<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That
for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh,
it is WONDERFUL, that He should care for me, enough to die for me!<o:p></o:p></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have much work to do and vital relationships to repair.
But I have never before felt so empowered to overcome them. In the last three
weeks I’ve seen so many unexpected blessings and felt so much love from various
people I’ve spoken with, most particularly my extraordinary wife. Disclosing my
transgressions suddenly has gotten us to talk about many things we couldn’t
before. Our marriage is coming through this stronger now, not weaker. And that
is the power of GRACE, or help from our Savior: divine help which is available
as soon as we muster the courage and humility to accept it. It is remarkably
efficacious, to a degree truly “confusing” as the hymn says. We have often
grown to be so enthralled with justice that we cannot comprehend how much more
powerful mercy is and how God doesn’t want to condemn any of His children: He
wants to transform them. We must make the step to come, and that step can be
terrifying. But I’ve recently learned that the blessings you receive for your
repentance outweigh all pain and fear you may have of taking that step.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is much more to tell, and still more that must happen
as I work on becoming a better man. That will all come in future blog posts.
But as I’ve reconsidered who I want to be, I’ve also reassessed this blog a bit.
Now that I’ve returned, I’m going to be making a few changes:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b>Title change:</b> When I started this blog, I
was very clear about the fact that neither the terms “gay” nor “Mormon” were my
first preference, but that they are the common terms people search for. My
thoughts on “gay” haven’t changed much: not my preference but it doesn’t scare
me (and I do use it sometimes to describe myself for the sake of convenience
and brevity). However, my thoughts on the term “Mormon” have evolved more,<span style="color: red;"> </span>especially in light of Pres. Nelson’s focus in recent
years to more specifically avoid the term. I also think the scope of this blog
may expand a bit beyond a pure focus on same-sex attraction, though, so I’ve
also decided to drop the term “gay” and move to a more encompassing title of “Scriptural
Insights from a Work-in-Progress Latter-day Saint.” (I recognize that the blog
URL and contact email still contain both terms as of posting this, but those are more complicated to change and I’m still working on it.)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b>Greater authenticity</b>: I’ve been reinventing
my life lately on a deep level of honesty and authenticity, given the clear capacity
for blatant dishonesty I’ve displayed the last few years. A decade ago, this
blog was an important part of my coming to terms with many things, but it was
NOT always authentic. While my thoughts on various scriptures were usually
quite sincere and authentic, my description of my life and level of righteousness
was NOT always. The earlier posts weren’t all a massive lie, but looking over
things, I certainly white-washed a few details about myself and made myself
look better than I was. For example, on more than one occasion during my time
at BYU I kissed a man, but I never gave even the slightest impression of that
in the blog. On at least one occasion I blatantly lied in this blog by saying I
hadn’t viewed video pornography. Why did I do that? It’s complicated. Some of
it was because some people who read the blog knew I was the author (including
notably my mother) and I didn’t want them to know that I’d made a few more risqué
mistakes than the blog would lead you to believe. I made myself look very
pristine and I wasn’t. Now, I didn’t reach the same levels of indiscretion I
have in the last few years, but I was not always the person I purported to be.
That ends now. I’m done being dishonest. That doesn’t mean I plan to include every
sordid detail, but I won’t be saying anything untrue or hiding things in a way
to make me seem cleaner than I was. Honesty is going to be a common topic early
on as I restart this blog. Regarding those old posts, I considered whether to delete
or update them, but I actually think the authentic thing to do is to leave
them. I can correct truths moving forward (like I just did) but don’t have to amend
the past as I presented it then. This applies also to a few posts that I’ve
re-read and realized I don’t fully agree with anymore, even if there is nothing
dishonest in them. That’s part of my progression and I like to think I’ve grown
a little bit wiser about a few things. But I can disagree with my past self
without censoring him.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b>Regarding anonymity:</b> Here’s another
interesting sticking point that made me hesitant to resume blogging. Since I last
blogged, I’ve heard several conference talks cautioning against online
anonymity. And I just closed down an extensive negative online anonymous
identity I’ve kept up the last few years. Not to mention, I just said I want to
increase my authenticity! BUT, I also have new reasons to actually remain
anonymous: my wife and children, who did not sign up to be revealed as they
would be if I blogged openly with my identity. While I may blog about parenting
on occasion, I also plan to keep any and all details about my children out of
the blog out of respect for their privacy. This has become my policy in my
normal social media use as well: my wife and I have largely stopped sharing
pictures of our children on social media out of respect for their privacy. As
someone in a mixed orientation marriage, I live a life deemed controversial by
the world’s standards, and it isn’t fair to my children to be associated with
their dad’s choices. I also have strong reasons to not have my personal blog
associated or tied back to my professional life. I have a great job, but work
in an industry so “progressive” that they ironically don’t have much understanding
or room for my choices and situation. SO: I plan on keeping up the pseudonym.
But, in the name of greater authenticity, I’m also willing to connect using my <b>real
identity</b> with any sincere reader who reaches out to me through the blog
email. In other words, I won’t correspond outside the blog in any way using a
false identity. I plan on sharing my blog openly in a few forums and already there
are quite a few people who know I write this. So while I’m not going to put my
name literally on the blog where it can be searched for and associated openly
with me, privately I plan to be quite open moving forward. I’ll be
discontinuing my “Obadiah” social media accounts I created back when I first
wrote this blog. There will be no second persona to speak of, just the use of
the pseudonym here on my blog. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b>Cadence:</b> When I first started the blog I
was writing very consistently, sometimes 2-3 times per week. Well, time was one
of the reasons I stopped blogging to begin with and my life hasn’t gotten any
less busy. I’m choosing to make time for this, but cannot promise any great
frequency or consistency. Right now I have a rough goal of aiming for weekly
posts, and that sounds pretty ambitious, frankly. (Did I mention I have 3 kids
now?) Also, don’t worry; posts won’t all be this super-long.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">May the Lord bless you, wherever you are at,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">--Obadiah<o:p></o:p></p>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-10366704493356314772013-08-02T09:39:00.000-07:002013-08-02T09:39:14.650-07:00He Will Make It More (John 6:5-14)<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Remember how in my last post (over seven months ago) I
mentioned that I’d been dating a girl? Well, to make a really long story really
short, <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">we got married</span></b>!</span> Now, this
obviously changes the nature of this blog a little bit. In the past, the intro
at the top has always read, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“I'm a
college-going Latter-day Saint man who lives all the commandments happily. I
hope to marry an elect daughter of God in the temple and have children someday,
despite the fact that I'm attracted to men. For now the only passionate
relationship I'm in is with the scriptures, and this blog is the story of that
relationship</i>.” Obviously I had to tweak that a bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know that a lot of you (most especially those of you also
experiencing SSA) want to hear a lot more details on how I got to this point,
what the struggles have been, advice, etc. You probably think I’m a block-head for
not having put up my thoughts throughout the whole dating period. My response:
you’re probably right. As lame as it sounds, the main reason I didn’t was lack
of time. I actually have about 5 half-written posts waiting in the wings, and I
do intend to finish at least a few of those and post them still. I also hope to
still post some of the many lessons I learned during the dating period over the
coming weeks, I will have at least a little bit more time than usual this month
before school starts back up again. As for this post, I wanted to share some of
the thoughts I’ve been mulling about marriage, despite the incredibly brief
period of experience I have on the subject. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A couple years ago one of my best friends got married. While
searching for a gift, I came across a print of a painting by Simon Dewey of the
young man who offered his 5 barley loaves and 2 small fishes, with which Christ
fed the 5000. This is one of the few stories that actually shows up in all four
of the Gospels. Following is the account from John 6:5-14, which I especially
like as it is the only one to actually mention the young man who donated the
food (I also quite appreciate John’s commentary asides):<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When
Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith
unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And
this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Philip
answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that
every one of them may take a little.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">One
of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, saith unto him,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There
is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what
are they among so many?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And
Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So
the men sat down, in number about five thousand.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And
Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the
disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the
fishes as much as they would.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When
they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that
remain, that nothing be lost.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Therefore
they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of
the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then
those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a
truth that prophet that should come into the world.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The painting, shown below, is a masterful work
and I appreciated it, though it certainly was not what I had in mind as a
wedding gift until I saw the title the artist had given it: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He Will Make It More</i>. It seemed to me that
this was great advice for a celestial marriage: letting Christ make more out of
the little we give so long as we give our all, and I said as much in my letter
attached with the gift. At my own wedding recently, that same friend and his
wife gave my wife and I a card reminding me of the painting and offering the
same advice I’d given them. I haven’t been married long yet, but already I’ve
begun to see how very real this principle is.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.freechristiancard.com/images/image-5c82b3128a1033acd93538023711c679-hewillmakeitmore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.freechristiancard.com/images/image-5c82b3128a1033acd93538023711c679-hewillmakeitmore.jpg" width="231" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Being a partner in a marriage is a monumental thing. In many
respects, I think it can be far more overwhelming than the prospect of suddenly
finding one’s self in charge of providing food for a crowd of 5000. You find
yourself immediately confronted with all of your own shortcomings and
inadequacies, keenly aware of how they could prevent you from being the kind of
person your spouse deserves. There are lots of wonderful, happy times, and
there are some rough patches and misunderstandings both before and after the
wedding ceremony. Marriage is a celestial thing, but we are currently telestial
beings, incapable of completely living up to the responsibilities of marriage.
Nonetheless, when we offer up all we have to God and to our spouse (the other
parties of the covenant), He will make it more. It is important that we always
give our offering to our spouse just as much as we do to God. You can’t hold
part of yourself back from your spouse, for you’ve made promises to give them your
whole self, just as they’ve promised to give you themselves also.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Like the lad in the story, our offering must be willing, but
size doesn’t matter. As Andrew asked, what are five loaves and two fishes among
so many people? The order fell dramatically short, but all Christ needed was
the willing offering. When we give that offering, as in the story, we will find
ourselves and our loved ones with us <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">filled</i>,
with extra to spare. He will fill us with His love, which makes up the difference
in what we lack and will improve our weaknesses into strengths and multiply our
strengths into greater strengths. I have seen him make me into more than I was,
and improve my capacities so that I could be more of the man my wife deserves.
I have seen Him do the same for her also, and our joy has increased and we have
grown continually closer and closer. However inadequate you feel to be a
husband or wife, if you give your all, He will make it more. That’s what He
does.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It has been said quite wisely by many others on many occasions
that getting married is not going to “cure” anyone of same-sex attraction, and
nobody should ever get married merely in hopes that it will make those feelings,
temptations, and experiences go away, because it won’t and because that is a
really lousy, shallow, self-serving reason to marry someone. I want to make it
clear that I agree 100% with all of those sentiments. Getting married so you
can “cure” yourself of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i> is like
reducing your spouse to the value of a therapy session or a Tylenol. Don’t go
setting yourself up for a divorce by rushing into a marriage for the wrong
reason, especially only to discover that it won’t “cure” you after all. Opposite-sex
attracted folk don’t find themselves suddenly no longer attracted to other
women or immune to sexually deviant temptation just because they get married.
If so, there would be no adultery. Likewise, if you think a man is hot now,
chances are you’re still going to think so after you marry a girl. That is
vitally important to understand in advance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, that last paragraph probably seemed a bit off-topic,
and it was. However, I needed to make sure I was clear about that so that
nobody misconstrues what I’m about to say, or cites it to claim that marriage
is in any way a cure for being gay. I merely want to share one of the deeply
personal ways I’ve seen Christ take my meager offering and expand it in my
marriage. I do so carefully and ask for your respect for what I’m about to
share, especially as it isn’t a very easy thing for me to express. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I find my wife gorgeous. She has a stunning natural beauty. It’s
great; it’s also NOT why I married her, though it is a wonderful thing. I chose
to marry her because I love her; because I love God immensely and so does she;
because she is jaw-dropping intelligent and intellectual; because she has a
kind heart and loves to serve; because we get along splendidly and have
wonderfully fun adventures together. In those and many more ways, I am very
attracted to my wife. However, despite the fact that I find her beautiful, I cannot
say that prior to our marriage that I was aroused sexually by her. Now, in many
ways that is because we tried quite specifically not to be in situations that
would have aroused either of us, but beyond that, for me it was quite obvious
that my SSA was an obstacle there. I’ve definitely seen young Mormon couples
who get married quite specifically so they can have sex. Certainly there are other
reasons in most of those cases, but for some folks being able to have sex is
pretty high on the list of reasons why they tie the knot. That was not the case
for me. Sex wasn’t even on the list. I married her for who she is, and because
the thought of going through life with her by my side and being old with her
and being exalted with her is the happiest train of thought I’ve ever had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">If you are a young same-sex attracted man who gets aroused
seeing two men kiss but can lose that arousal twice as fast by seeing a picture
of a naked girl, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve had far more
sexually-themed dreams about men than women, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve
never had to look away when a girl in a bikini goes by because it doesn’t faze
you, but the shirtless dude next to her makes you blush, I’ve been where you
are. In many of these instances, I’m pretty much <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still</i> where you are, and I know that it means you are especially
terrified of marriage perhaps above all because the idea of sex with a woman is
not only unappealing, but perhaps even borderline disgusting to consider. It is
for you that I offer the following insight: it is okay to not get married for
sex. In fact, it’s a lot better to have lots of other more meaningful reasons
to get married. If you find someone for which those other reasons apply, don’t
let that obstacle hold you back from marrying someone you love. I reiterate again:
the love must be real and there must be substantive reasons for you to want to
marry her. BUT, if you choose to marry and give your all to her and to the
Lord, as weak and flawed as it may be, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He
will make it more</i>. He will bless your union with beautiful physical intimacy
so long as you offer your heart willingly and completely to God and your wife.
I can’t fully explain it, nor am I going to delve into any details in what is
truly a very sacred, personal matter between my wife and me, but I can assure
you that if you are fully committed in a righteous marriage, then in whatever
aspect of marriage you feel you have shortcomings, if you rely on Him then He
will make it more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Sincerely,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">OBADIAH</span>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-79359845815387556112012-12-24T01:52:00.002-08:002012-12-30T22:59:31.416-08:00The Man Whom God Correcteth (Job 5:17)I have not blogged here for a while, and it has certainly NOT been from lack of things to write. In fact, I have so much I wish I could write about that I think I'll have to write a number of posts over the Christmas break while I have more time than usual. Admittedly, it has been a lack of time that has been the major cause for my lack of writing. Let me just first begin with a quick list of some very major relevant updates in my life and the SSA world generally from the last 2.5 months:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>The Church launched a new official web-page specifically devoted to same-sex attraction issues. It is fantastic. Take a look if you haven't seen it already: <a href="http://www.mormonsandgays.org/" target="_blank">http://www.mormonsandgays.org/</a></li>
<li>(Gay) Mormon Guy, the blog which I've mentioned numerous times here and which had a profound impact on my, unveiled himself from anonymity in a beautiful post last month. His real name is David Peterson and here is the post: <a href="http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2012/11/david-im-the-author-of-gay-mormon-guy.html" target="_blank">http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2012/11/david-im-the-author-of-gay-mormon-guy.html</a></li>
<li>This blog reached its year-mark! It was Thanksgiving weekend of last year when I began this blog and a very interesting journey of self-discovery that I've reflected on a lot over the last few weeks especially.</li>
<li>Last, but certainly not least (and this is hands down the #1 reason I haven't had as much time to blog)... since mid-October I've had a girlfriend. A few weeks ago we even talked about my SSA and it hasn't been an issue at all in the relationship. That subject of course will have to be an entire post of its own, which I promise to write at some point during the next week or two. But I feel like I need to get some other thoughts out in this post before I can write that one.</li>
</ul>
For now, I'd like to focus especially on the third bullet above: reflecting on the last year of my life and my journey confronting my SSA rather than ignoring it or pretending it isn't there. This blog records a good portion of my reflections upon that journey (with the obvious exception of some chronological holes when I didn't write as much--especially during the summer). I'm amazed at the evolution of my thoughts about myself and my relationship with my own SSA. I have to admit that while many of my early posts are extremely valid emotional outpourings that adequately described my state at the time, they do not all necessarily represent how I feel now. Some of them are very simple in areas that I now see with greater complexity, while others which I once saw quite complexly now seem so very simple.<br />
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One thing is sure: I am more stable and sure now than I was a year ago regarding my SSA. Some of that has been incredibly painful. For example, my <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2012/10/learning-to-decrease-2-desires.html" target="_blank">post from October</a> discusses some of my feelings from those summer months when I didn't blog for a while. It really doesn't tell the whole story in terms of the actual events which triggered those feelings, and I don't know if I'll ever record those here, but I learned incredible lessons from those things. I was made to confront some major weaknesses and make a couple sacrifices in order to grow. But guess what? The happiness I've attained in the recent months as I've been a better person makes that pain totally worth it. Below is a verse from our wise friend Job that adequately sums up these sentiments. From chapter 5, verse 17:<br />
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<i>"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore, despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty."</i><br />
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The last few days I've been pondering a few additional weaknesses and have had my eyes opened to very clear ways the Lord is offering to help me to overcome them. I can already clearly see some pain and sacrifice that are required, but looking back in amazement at how far I've come over the last year, I feel already a sense of happiness to begin the process of working on them.<br />
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The great thing about being <i>corrected</i> is that by definition it makes us more <i>correct</i>, and why would we not want to be correct? The great thing about being corrected by the LORD, is that the alternative is to be corrected, or more likely <i>mis-</i>corrected by others or, perhaps most terrifyingly, ourselves! From experience, that tends to end in disaster. <br />
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May I end this post of reflection on the last year by giving a special thank you to a follower of this blog? Her name is Emily. She found my blog through one of my Obadiah tweets on Twitter back in early December of last year and to my knowledge was the first human other than myself to ever read it. She was certainly the first to ever respond or send feedback, which I desperately needed at the time. I had written a handful of posts at that point believing they were being sent into darkness, heard by nobody and it made me feel awfully lonely and insecure. She was the first other human to ever chat with me about my SSA and give me encouragement, even though I'd never met her in person (and still haven't). She regularly comments and send feedback on my posts and I don't think she's ever known how much of a help she was just by reaching out compassionately to a poor confused gay kid she came across on the internet. Likewise many more supporters have followed since then with emails, tweets, FB messages, blog comments, etc. of non-stop support and love. Thank you all so very much.<br />
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My best,<br />
<br />
Obadiah Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-38455689693135716432012-10-06T01:04:00.000-07:002013-08-02T10:35:22.444-07:00Learning to Decrease: the 2 Desires Revisited (John 3:30)I recently re-read an old post from January which incidentally features probably my favorite title on the blog thus far: "<a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2012/01/souvenirs-from-hell-and-altar-of.html" target="_blank">Souvenirs from Hell and the Altar of Sacrifice (Matthew 5:29-30)</a>." Honestly, reading some of these older posts, as well as older journal entries (lately I've been reading my mission journals again) really causes me to reflect on my growth as well as important lessons I've learned in the past that I sometimes need reminding of in the present! I was actually really taken aback by that post from the beginning of this year. It presents a lot of very complex thoughts and concepts that take several readings to really digest properly. It seemed like I was reading something written by someone else and I guess in a way I was--because we are not static things; we are dynamic, changing beings. I AM in fact a different person than I was in January. And it was fascinating to see the views and mind of this earlier Obadiah. One concept I/he wrote about that I now remember pondering a lot back then was the idea of the two dichotomous desires we struggle with throughout our lives: the desire to "fit in" and blend into our community and the desire to assert our individuality. And now I'm once again thinking a lot about it and hope to add a few new insights on the subject here. <br />
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It seems that throughout our lives we oscillate between trying to fill these two desires. We generally devote our time to focusing on whichever one is more lacking at any given time and I think it is generally rare for anyone to go their whole life fixated too predominantly on one or the other, though certainly exceptions exist. We also don't generally consciously think about acting to fill the one or the other. It happens very naturally and subconsciously. In my case, I'd say that I tend to go back and forth every few months between focusing on the one or the other, though I also think that multiple-year segments of my life have tended to skew towards one or the other. For example, in elementary school I desperately wanted to fit in and focused more of my attention on that desire. In college I've experienced basically the opposite: I've given more attention to wanting to assert my individuality. And yet there are clearly exceptions and oscillations within those periods. If I look just at 2012, for example, I'd say most of the year has been focused on my individuality while the last month and a half I've really addressed my "fitting in" needs a lot more closely.<br />
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What's really tricky about all of this is that neither desire deserves to be lauded or derided over the other. Both can actually be important and both can be dangerous. For example, regarding the desire to "fit in," feeding this desire can be good if it<a name='more'></a> reminds us to be cognizant of our place within a society and our responsibilities to participate appropriately in order to further the well-being of that society. On the other hand, if over-fed the desire to fit in could lead to being led astray to transgression by succumbing to a sin because it is popular (this was, after all, the tactic of the great and spacious building). Regarding the desire to be different and individual, this desire can be good as it could strengthen our ability to stand for the right even when we are alone in doing so. On the other hand, it could lead us to alienate ourselves from others, cutting us off from being able to help or connect with them. Overfeeding EITHER of them is fundamentally selfish. <br />
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As I mentioned earlier, a lot of 2012 I focused on the individuality desire. I would say I hyper-focused on it so much that it reached a critical mass point in July that caused me to be completely disillusioned with individuality for a while and caused me to be in a state of emotional flux for a month or two. After I exited that emotional limbo I worked for a while on my "fitting in" needs again, which led to building some very healthy new social bonds and friendships and that brings me to the current moment. Once again, I never was consciously thinking about the one or the other, or at least not very often. It is primarily in retrospect that I recognize that I was feeding either one at any given time.<br />
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It seems that the dichotomy of these desires is an important asset as it tends to help keep us in check from feeding one or the other too much so we minimize the number of disillusionment points we have to go through like I did in July and August. The danger of these desires would come in feeding either--or both--in too great of abundance and either reaching those disillusionment points or perhaps worse continuing on without such disillusionment. Satan wants us to get lost and to lose focus on what is important. Hyperfocusing on trying to be individual or trying too hard to be like everyone else are both great ways he can accomplish his goals. The natural safety system of the fundamental dichotomy of the desires isn't always enough to keep us on track. But we've been given the guidance of the Spirit, our conscience, our rational thoughts, and the words and advice of inspired scripture and prophets to help us.<br />
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One particular passage of scripture has continually come to mean more and more to me over the years. I've recently come across it several times once again and it seems to address well a solution to the danger of predominantly feeding either desire. It is from the great sermon of John the Baptist recorded in the Gospel of John. While telling his many followers to look for and follow the Savior who would soon make Himself known, he gave the following profound one-liner:<br />
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<i>"He [Christ] must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30)</i><br />
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John is telling his followers that he was just a messenger leading the way for someone much greater who was yet to come and that his influence would soon wane as Christ's became greater. But there is a lot of profound meaning to be found for every person who wants to, as the Baptist did, prepare a way for Christ. If we want to see Christ increase in the world, sometimes it means we have to get out of the way! This can often mean being willing to surrender our selfish interests for greater things. It is a natural remedy to the times when our desire to assert our individuality gets out of hand: we must learn to let ourselves decrease and put the Savior first! Likewise, with the Savior as an increasing priority in our lives, we are much less prone to put the world first in case we focus too heavily on fitting in.<br />
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As I mentioned, I've been rereading journals from my mission. I have not been reading in chronological order, but rather skipping around to certain periods I've felt more prompted to read. After recently reconsidering this verse in light of the 2 desires I re-read my notes from an evening meeting with my Mission President for the departing missionaries the final night of my mission. In other words, these were the final words of advice he gave to us before we came home. I remembered some of them very clearly, but going back to read them again I was blown away when I saw that the last part of his remarks he actually quoted this same verse and applied it to us. I actually wrote down some of his exact words at that point. He said, after quoting those same words of John the Baptist, "Some of you will be lost for a while as you go home, but do the BEST thing--let Him increase in you!" I must admit I got kind of emotional reading those words. I had not remembered that part of his remarks until reading them just the other night, now several years later. I don't think that at the time I ever imagined that I could have been someone who would get "lost" for a while after going home. Perhaps that's because I didn't quite comprehend that being "lost" didn't necessarily mean falling out of activity in the Church or into transgression. But certainly in many ways, especially in this last year, I have found myself "lost" from time to time. July and August are a great case in point, or perhaps even more in the months leading up to July and August in which I was overfeeding that desire for individual assertion. I was focusing entirely on personally increasing rather than putting myself aside and letting Christ increase within me.<br />
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The most wonderful part of the story is that Christ is ever willing to increase within us. In His infinite wisdom, He knows greater than we do what needs actually deserve our attention the most. To accept His help, we will have to be willing to decrease a little bit though! This goes back to what I wrote about back in that January post: laying our "souvenirs from hell" on the altar of sacrifice. Above all, our pride must be laid on that altar to be able to accept Christ's proposals and recognize that His way and will are better than our own. Ultimately, He wants us to securely fit within our communities AND excel as unique individuals with divine potential. As my mission president said, "Do the BEST thing--let Him increase in you!"<br />
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I ended that January post with a disclaimer of apology that it was probably a hard post to comprehend. I feel like this one merits the same general sentiment. I hope that at least SOMETHING in this jumbled mess of thoughts has been useful. I'll probably ramble about these 2 desires yet again in some future post as I continue to try to understand their complex interaction. Meanwhile, thanks for reading my half-baked and evolving thoughts on the subject.<br />
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My Best,<br />
<br />
Obadiah<br />
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P.S. I hope you all enjoy General Conference this weekend! Always a good time to reflect on where we're at and how we can improve. :)Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-84352297170977630512012-09-25T01:01:00.000-07:002012-09-25T01:01:08.837-07:00New page for first timers!This is a quick post by way of announcement. In a bout of insomnia I decided to add a new special page to my blog, as you can see on the tab above, for first-time visitors. It basically summarizes the intent of the blog and also lists my favorite posts, as well as the most popular posts.<br />
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I've been fortunate to have a lot of new readers as of late and have had some great online interactions as a result. :) Love you all!<br />
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My best,<br />
<br />
ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-52267597696316141322012-09-23T21:21:00.001-07:002012-09-23T21:21:55.489-07:00Judging (Matthew 7:1-2)This post is going to try to put into words some muddled thoughts on a difficult subject. I got some interesting emails after <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-manifesto-on-male-modesty-1-peter-29.html" target="_blank">last week's post</a> on male modesty. Most troubling were some of the bitter accusations I got about being judgmental. Anyone who had also read my <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2012/02/straining-at-gnats-swallowing-camels.html" target="_blank">earlier post on modesty from February</a> would realize that my intent has never been to "judge" or condemn anyone. But I feel like we are starting to live in a world where to stand for any value or standard has begun to be interpreted automatically as "judging" anyone who doesn't agree with that standard. Just because I don't drink coffee is no reason to assume that I am constantly shaking my finger at anyone I see who does drink coffee. In fact, I don't even drink soda! That is a personal choice on my part, but I've never seen someone drinking a soda and think, "boy, they sure aren't as good of a person as they could be if they'd stop drinking soda." Likewise, my choice to not run shirtless should not be interpreted to mean that I think I'm a generally better person than those who do or that they are evil.<br />
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2 weeks ago Elder Holland gave a CES fireside address which discussed, among other things, the difficult subject of JUDGING. It is a fantastic talk, and if you didn't see it, you can by clicking <a href="https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/ces-devotionals/2012/01?lang=eng&vid=1831681793001" target="_blank">here</a>. This post will manage to address, however feebly, my own thoughts on this difficult subject.<br />
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It seems to me that one of the large problems that arises with this subject is a fundamental ambiguity regarding the use of the term "judging." What do we mean when we say that we feel others are judging us? The most primitive Hebrew and Greek root forms of the words translated "judge" in the Bible basically mean to discern. In other words, if I see you do something and cognitively process that you have done that thing, I have just made a judgment. This is automatic and often a necessary part of interaction which is essential to our understanding of the world and cannot/should not be avoided. I don't think this is what is meant when someone feels they are "being judged" by someone. In fact, I've been thinking all week about what we DO mean when say that. It is harder to define than we may immediately think given how often we throw the term around. The best I can conclude is that the person who feels like they are being "judged" feels like they have been assessed some form of disapproval from the other person. This may or may not be true, but it is certainly what the allegedly "judged" person perceives to be the truth. Ironically, as a result, the "judged" person often does in fact return an actual disapproving assessment of the supposed judger. In other words, when most people complain that others are judging them, they are in fact judging those other people. (I know that was complicated. Hopefully it made sense.)<br />
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Here are some additional questions I've pondered this week on the subject of judging. I don't have answers to all of them, though I certainly have opinions and thoughts on most of them. Mostly, I think they are simply important questions to ponder regardless of whether we can pin down a concrete answer for all or any of them:<br />
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*Is it possible to disapprove of an action we observe without negatively assessing the person who does the thing?<br />
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*Is making a personal decision about what we consider right and wrong the same as judging that action for all other people when we observe them doing it?<br />
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*Can we truly believe in the concept of moral law without believing some actions are wrong?<br />
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*How much does our assessment of others' actions matter?<br />
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*How much does others' assessment of our actions matter?<br />
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I hope you had fun pondering those. I imagine I'm going to continue to ponder them for some time now. Another thing I've pondered and tried to understand is the well-known and oft-quoted passage from the Sermon on the Mount:<br />
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<i>"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." (Matt. 7:1-2)</i><br />
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Note that these are among those verses which are not altered at all in the 3 Nephi retelling of the Sermon on the Mount (albeit there is a narrative transition added to the beginning of the first verse).<br />
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From the ancient source texts, forms of the Greek word <b>krino</b> are used 5 times in those 2 verses. This is that primitive verb meaning "to discern" and a far greater number of both Old and New Testament passages tell us that is is something we SHOULD do. But the word "judgment" in verse 2 is actually a more specific noun form (<b>krima</b>) which denotes an actual pronouncement of condemnation. As this is the only connotation we can assign to the other 4 neutral krino forms in the verses, it seems like the best interpretation looking at it from this perspective would be "Condemn not, that ye be not condemned." Elsewhere, of course, Christ tells us that we SHOULD "judge righteous judgment" (John 7:24). This Greek basically connotes to discern the good that people do.<br />
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Ultimately, the more I study this subject, the more it seemingly increases in ambiguity. There is a bit of a contradiction in Christ's commands that we both should and shouldn't judge, but I *think* (and this is certainly a fluid opinion on my part) that the point He's trying to convey is this: we should not occupy ourselves thinking about the bad others do, but we should take note of the good they do. That being said, it would be unwise for us to never discern whether an action is good or bad. We simply needn't preoccupy ourselves with those actions we deem inappropriate and we should never neglect to see the good in everyone wherever it is found.<br />
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Sometimes it is our job or stewardship to judge the deeds of others and even to offer correction. The role of parents is often to help correct a child in order to help them become an upstanding and morally concerned contributor to society. Teachers cannot truly help a student grow if they aren't willing to assess weaknesses and points for correction. In these and similar instances, discerning weakness is necessary, including even commentary and feedback on those weaknesses. If our focusing on a weakness is not for the intent to lift someone higher or is not appropriately within our stewardship, it probably isn't a wise thing for us to make public or to dwell on.<br />
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I know this post hasn't been very logically ordered thus far, perhaps because it reflects my disjoint and inconclusive thoughts on the subject. But overall most of my advice and thoughts have focused on those who judge. Now a few thoughts for those who feel judged by others:<br />
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First of all, for the most part it doesn't matter what others think about you, and you may not be correct anyway. You are not a telepath. We desire acceptance and fear losing it, so we often jump to the conclusion that the absence of a positive affirmation of our actions automatically assumes a negative assessment. Second of all, sometimes our assumptions about the judgments of others are actually a reflection of our own arguments with ourselves. Change is difficult and when we don't want to change (even when deep down we know we need to) we build walls of justification that can also involve assigning blame to others who are "judging us" as a defense. They may not have thought about anything you've done, but regardless of whether or not they have, your perceptions of their thoughts are more likely a manifestation of your own argument with yourself about the relative good or bad of your own actions. Sometimes this might mean that the correct course is actually to humbly listen and look for ways to improve rather than to fight back. And if you know you are doing the right thing, then it doesn't matter what others think about you. Let them think you are evil if they want to; if you are a good person then God will take note, regardless of the opinions of others around you. He's smarter than they are. And don't judge them in return. If they are judging you, their underlying intent is most likely to safeguard themselves from doing things that are wrong. That isn't always the case, but quite often a person may judge even inappropriately with the best of intentions because they, like you, are also imperfect.<br />
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Anyway, I hope this made sense. It has not been my first post on judging and I'm sure it won't be my last. Commentary is welcome.<br />
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My best,<br />
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ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-29498578175088241832012-09-16T17:04:00.000-07:002012-09-16T17:04:40.491-07:00A Manifesto on Male Modesty (1 Peter 2:9)Provo has an inordinate amount of shirtless men. They are always out running, or playing basketball, or playing tennis, or just walking around the apartment courtyards. If you are an average Provo-dwelling guy, you are probably not as keenly aware of this fact as girls (and guys like me) are. <br />
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Is it just me, or does there seem to be an air of hypocrisy in this? BYU's campus newspaper is constantly running letters to the editor from men on campus complaining about the general lack of modesty of some of the girls on campus. I know of at least one instance of a guy who has made such complaints and who I regularly see running shirtless. And how many letters does the newspaper get about the modesty of men? I have yet to read one. So this is my own declaration of what I feel is an important but oft-neglected component of the modesty discussion: the need for increased modesty among men.<br />
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Elder Robert D. Hales of the quorum of the twelve <a href="https://www.lds.org/liahona/2008/08/modesty-reverence-for-the-lord?lang=eng&query=modesty+%28name%3a%22Robert+D.+Hales%22%29" target="_blank">taught the following</a> in an article from the Ensign Magazine, August 2008:<br />
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<i>"Some Latter-day Saints may feel that modesty is a tradition of the
Church or that it has evolved from conservative, puritanical behavior.
Modesty is not just cultural. Modesty is a gospel principle that applies
to people of all cultures and ages. In fact, modesty is fundamental to
being worthy of the Spirit. To be modest is to be humble, and being
humble invites the Spirit to be with us."</i><br />
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He also taught in that same article that modesty was one of the first lessons taught to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, where God made coats of skins for them to cover their nakedness. "Like Adam and Eve," he continues, "we have been taught that our bodies are formed in the likeness of God and are therefore sacred."<br />
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When I was younger, before I had faced and confronted my attractions, I used to think it was silly how many guys turned their heads and really struggled when they saw immodest girls. I thought it was just a lack of effort on the part of the guy to keep his heart and thoughts pure, mostly because I didn't experience much of the same sensation and it thus wasn't very hard for me to not look. I just thought they needed to try to be more righteous or something. Confronting my attractions though has made me realize how much harder it is for me to not look when I see an attractive guy running by with no shirt (and for whatever reason, the inordinate amount of shirtless men in Provo all seem to do an inordinate amount of working out). I now empathize much more with my non-SSA peers who struggle when they see an immodest girl and actually respect the great effort they are making evident in their struggles.<br />
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And yet, it seems that more and more I hear related to the topic of modesty a refutation of the effect on others as a valid reason for modesty advocacy. I hear people claim frequently that if a guy can't keep his thoughts clean when he sees a less-than-modestly dressed girl that it is HIS fault not hers. There is actually a lot of truth to this, and it is something that is important to consider. New York Rabbi Dov Linzer has said the following wise words on the matter: “By saying that all women must hide their bodies, they are saying that every woman is an object who can stir a man’s sexual thoughts. Thus, every woman who passes their field of vision is sized up on the basis of how much of her body is covered. She is not seen as a complete person, only as a potential inducement to sin.” This is a very important point to consider, for the great object of modesty is to de-objectify individuals, and we thus need to be careful to be sure that our very discussion on modesty doesn't in fact objectify anyone all the more. And it is true that it ultimately IS the responsibility of each individual to "watch [them]selves, and [their] thoughts" as King Benjamin taught (Mosiah 4:30). Nobody is responsible for your thoughts but YOU. Admittedly, it isn't always very easy to control them and sometimes they control us instead, but<a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/search/label/thoughts" target="_blank"> I've addressed that in greater detail in other posts</a>. <br />
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Understanding that it is the responsibility of each person to guard their own thoughts regardless of whatever outside factors are thrown at them, we still shouldn't be making excuses for immodesty. If a person wants to quit smoking, it is much harder if others are offering him cigarettes all the time. We will never eradicate temptation, but where it exists and we can do something to lessen it, we should if by lessening it we can help more people be better. I get concerned when one person's call for greater modesty gets shot down by someone saying, "well, it is your fault that you have bad thoughts when someone dresses that way." The logic seems to be that the weakness of one person excuses the actions of another. Bob is not perfect, but that should not give Sally free reign to do whatever she wants. We have a responsibility to each other, and when Sally's actions aid in causing Bob to stumble when she could choose another option that wouldn't do so, it is the right thing to do for Sally to make the choice that better enables Bob to be better. Bob still needs to work on his own problems independent of what Sally does.<br />
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Furthermore, as mentioned above from Elder Hales, modesty is a commandment. Regardless of the effects on other people, the moral compass of a member of the covenant points towards obeying what God has asked of us. If I lived in a society of blind individuals who could never see how I am dressed, it would still be my responsibility to dress modestly because it is what I have promised to do. None of the others in my hypothetical world would ever know if I chose to walk around shirtless, and thus none would ever by stimulated one way or another, but I would know and God would know. Modesty, like wearing garments, is an "outward expression of an inward commitment." It is a reminder of where I have placed my allegiances. In that blind world, there would still be great benefit in my modesty for me personally, as it would serve as a reminder to me of my relationship with God and the fact that He has loved me enough to make promises with me.<br />
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So, thus far what I've written has MOSTLY regarded the topic of modesty generally--these things apply equally to modesty in both men and women. I conclude with a return to a specific focus on male modesty.<br />
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As mentioned before, we don't talk about this subject as much. Perhaps it isn't as frequent an occurrence as immodestly among women. Nonetheless, I think it is a bigger problem than we often realize. It seems part of the reluctance to address it also seems to stem from some misconception that for whatever reason it isn't "as bad" for men to dress immodestly as girls do. Could it just be that women are better at controlling thoughts than men are and so it doesn't seem like such a big deal? Well, while I'm sure that women probably ARE as a general rule better at controlling thoughts than guys are, I know they aren't perfect or immune (and I KNOW it has an effect on guys like me). Bob has as much obligation to Sally as she does to him. <br />
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Besides detrimental side-effects a shirtless guy can have on a girl, he also isn't doing a favor to his fellow men. From my own observations, and this does not apply to everyone, but when men parade shirtless there seems to be an increased "show-off" factor to the immodesty. As I mentioned before, an unusually high percentage of those who I see running by bare-chested everyday seem to be not only in shape, but quite well-toned physically. Once again, I'm not saying that every physically fit guy who runs shirtless has a Narcissus complex or even that he's consciously trying to impress ANYONE. But there often does seem to be pride hiding in immodesty, just as much as that earlier quote from Elder Hales tied modesty to humility (in fact, the words in some contexts are used as synonyms). The "show-off" aspect occurring in much of male immodesty harms the soul of the immodest man by pride, and can be a detriment also to the self-esteem and confidence of his fellow men. Once again, Bob is not directly responsible for the feelings of esteem in Johnny any more than he is for Sally's thoughts, but he does still serve as a negative influence rather than a help.<br />
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Finally, as I said already, the ultimate reason a Mormon man should remain modest is because he has made promises to do so. It was fascinating to me as I was looking up modesty in the Topical Guide (a study reference index of topics included in the back of the LDS edition of the KJV Bible) that after the main list of scriptures it gave on the subject, in the "See Also" section that points to additional related passages, it listed 1 Peter 2:9. I found it kind of odd to see that verse listed as relevant to modesty as that is not usually what we use that verse for. However, with some thought I began to see how very relevant it actually was to the subject and that it is particularly addressed to the men of the Church. It says:<br />
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<i>"But ye <span class="clarityWord">are</span> a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light."</i><br />
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Brethren: we of the priesthood have a responsibility to SHOW (the older English form "shew" is used in the verse) the world our praises of God. There are other verses that talk about singing our praises of God or proclaiming them. This one says we SHOW them. And what greater praise can we give to God than to keep the promises we've made to Him? The actions we show publicly are the first indication the world has of where our allegiances lie. I understand the convenience of running shirtless, because I run a lot and I sweat <i>inordinate</i> amounts whenever I do. But by wearing a shirt, perhaps especially when it comes out as soaking wet as mine do, I leave no room for doubt that I've chosen to be modest in my appearance. I pray we may all as priesthood brethren reflect the royal army that we are. And this army has no need to show off rippling pectorals, for there is a greater need for examples of those who consistently work-out spiritually.<br />
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So this is my manifesto: let us spread the word to gladly encourage our brethren to live up to the same standards we always ask our sisters to maintain. I don't often ask for you, my loyal readers and supporters, to share my posts, but I'm making a plea this time. If you agree that there is an importance in emphasizing modesty for BOTH men and women, please send this along if for no other reason than to stimulate discussion on and awareness of the matter.<br />
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My best,<br />
<br />
Obadiah<br />
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P.S. Perhaps sharing this post will also scare some of the more machismo shirtless men into modesty since they may not have realized previously that in trying to impress girls they may have also been turning the heads of guys like me along the way. ;)Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-17606828819697558472012-09-09T21:36:00.000-07:002012-09-09T21:36:50.591-07:00How Can I Keep From Singing? (Psalms 100:1-5)I haven't posted in a long time. Too long in fact. I now have heard rumors that I haven't posted because supposedly I "saw the light" and abandoned my "foolish Mormonism." Not so. If my Mormonism is my foolishness, I am more foolish than ever.<br />
<br />
That said, the last 4 months have been an interesting emotional journey. I've learned a lot of critical lessons about managing my attractions and about the power and value of positive friendships in various forms. I cannot condense the last 4 months into a single post, so I won't even try. But I have been through one of the darkest periods of depression in my life to a current position of greater renewed faith than I have ever known. And I am happy. Very happy. I have seen the Hand of God very clearly in recent days and have now been blessed to have my eyes opened to see that Hand very evident throughout the events of this summer, even when I couldn't see it at the time.<br />
<br />
Being humbled is hard. But worth it. That's what I learned this summer. I learned also above all to trust God above the opinions and half-truths of man. I'm always amazed at how gently and gracefully He can perform such intensive and delicate soul-surgery as He often does on us, eradicating the tumors of imperfection and personality flaw. I know I have many more such tumors to be worked out, but the schedule for the operations is always in His hands, not mine. Perfection requires patience and surrendering our time-tables to his.<br />
<br />
When I heard that many were doubting my continued faithfulness, I could not sit back and fail to declare the truth: that I am still on the Lord's side and have to intent of leaving. For He has been so kind to me; so patient with me in my imperfections. I am filled with astonishment at His rich blessings. Two things come to mind: a psalm and a hymn.<br />
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First, the 100th Psalm:<br />
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<i><span class="verse">1 </span>Make a joyful noise unto the <span class="deitySmallCaps">Lord</span>, all ye lands.</i><br />
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<i> <span class="verse">2 </span>Serve the <span class="deitySmallCaps">Lord</span> with gladness: come before his presence with singing.</i></div>
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<i> <span class="verse">3 </span>Know ye that the <span class="deitySmallCaps">Lord</span> he <span class="clarityWord">is</span> God: <span class="clarityWord">it is</span> he <span class="clarityWord">that</span> hath made us, and not we ourselves; <span class="clarityWord">we are</span> his people, and the sheep of his pasture.</i></div>
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<i> <span class="verse">4 </span>Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, <span class="clarityWord">and</span> into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, <span class="clarityWord">and</span> bless his name.</i></div>
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<i> <span class="verse">5 </span>For the <span class="deitySmallCaps">Lord</span> <span class="clarityWord">is</span> good; his mercy <span class="clarityWord">is</span> everlasting; and his truth <span class="clarityWord">endureth</span> to all generations.</i></div>
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The third verse is my favorite. It is easy to fall into a trap of self-worship, patting ourselves on the back for all our own accomplishments. We forget that He is the One who made us, and who remakes us again and again, continually perfecting us. He is our shepherd, we are the sheep. Sometimes I'm not a very good sheep, but He doesn't decrease the efficacy of His shepherding towards me. In fact, He increases it in our behalf when we are the ones needing attention. </div>
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One of the blessings I had over this summer was a set of stellar roommates. They were guys I knew before I moved in with them and they became wonderful friends. The one with whom I actually shared a room knew about my SSA before I even moved in and was always so supportive and kind. Then, a few weeks ago the security I had in those roommates got thrown in the air when I had to move unexpectedly due to a contract mix-up. I was thrown into a new apartments with unknown roommates. I was not excited about it at all, and in fact quite worried. But you know what? It has been fantastic. It is what the Lord knew I needed. My random set of roommates has been an unexpected blessing I not only didn't ask for, but even resisted. In fact, I felt prompted and comfortable telling the roommate I actually share my room with about my attractions on the fourth day I knew him. He was not weirded out at all. In fact, he was very understanding. This was a huge relief. Over the summer for the first time ever I grew accustom to having a roommate who knew about me who I could confide in and talk about things with. That roommate was a remarkable help to me. I was very worried about not having that support anymore after growing used to it. And so I was blessed to be given a great roommate who is equally understanding, and I was blessed to be able to discern it within the first week of knowing him. None of my other roommates know, but they are all fantastic, wonderful guys as well. I've also been blessed to not find myself becoming too attached to or infatuated with any of them despite the strong friendships we are all building and the fact that they all generally happen to be rather good looking. None of that has been even the slightest problem. </div>
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Other parts of my life, including my new semester, etc. are also all falling into place and the direction of the Lord is very clear. I am amazed looking at all the blessings He is pouring on me, far more than I deserve. The world still has a lot of problems and I am not exempt. I still have trials I'm managing, and my attractions are still a consideration. But despite all the things I face, I am happy and amazed at God's love. That's where a great traditional Protestant hymn comes to mind that has always been one of my favorites. It is not found in our hymnal, but I wish it was. It is called, "How Can I Keep From Singing?" This is how I feel. The Lord has been so good amidst my trials, that I can't hold back from sharing that message. And that has brought me back my blog after my summer hiatus. (I guess you could say I am personally feeling like, "How Can I Keep from Blogging?"). Anyway, I'll leave you with the beautiful lyrics from that wonderful hymn:</div>
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<dl><dd><i>My life flows on in endless song;</i>
<dl><dd><i>Above earth's lamentation,</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>I hear the sweet, tho' far-off hymn</i>
<dl><dd><i>That hails a new creation;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>Thro' all the tumult and the strife</i>
<dl><dd><i>I hear the music ringing;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>It finds an echo in my soul--</i>
<dl><dd><i>How can I keep from singing?</i></dd></dl>
</dd></dl>
</dd></dl>
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<dl><dd><i>What tho' my joys and comforts die?</i>
<dl><dd><i>The Lord my Saviour liveth;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>What tho' the darkness gather round?</i>
<dl><dd><i>Songs in the night he giveth.</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>No storm can shake my inmost calm</i>
<dl><dd><i>While to that refuge clinging;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,</i>
<dl><dd><i>How can I keep from singing?</i></dd></dl>
</dd></dl>
</dd></dl>
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<dl><dd><i>I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;</i>
<dl><dd><i>I see the blue above it;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>And day by day this pathway smooths,</i>
<dl><dd><i>Since first I learned to love it;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,</i>
<dl><dd><i>A fountain ever springing;</i></dd></dl>
</dd><dd><i>All things are mine since I am his--</i>
<dl><dd><i>How can I keep from singing?</i></dd><dd> </dd><dd> </dd><dd> </dd><dd>My best,</dd><dd> </dd><dd>Obadiah </dd></dl>
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Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-61339829696627136892012-05-23T13:00:00.000-07:002012-05-23T13:00:23.111-07:00He First Loved Us (1 John 4:19)Do you remember that time I totally had that major crush on that guy I nicknamed "Methuselah" here on the blog and had a series of posts related to him? Well, I'm gonna need to conjure up another pseudonym for another person in my story. Let's call him "Habakkuk." Like Methuselah, Habakkuk is another man I liked, and this time I really fell pretty deeply in love with him a couple months ago. As with my telling of the Methuselah saga, it is easier for me to write about the feelings and experiences a few months after the fact so as to give proper time to digest and process each experience fully (it's also harder to share when things are so fresh in the mind). My story with Habakkuk is a bit more complicated than my Methuselah story because unlike Methuselah, Habakkuk is another SSA guy like me.<br />
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I knew I was physically attracted to him, obviously, the first time I saw him. I still am and probably always will be. But that's nothing new. I've dealt with that before. However, once I got to know him I soon discovered how well I connected with him in pretty much every possible way--socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. It didn't take long for that initial physical attraction to blossom into something much deeper. Part of me soon wanted very much to be in a relationship with him. And those feelings started me on an intense journey of self-discovery which would ultimately transform my relationship with God. <br />
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I knew all along that I needed to tread carefully since he was also SSA and seemed to be connecting with me almost as much as I was with him. Luckily for me, he wasn't as attracted to me which I'm sure helped things a lot. I actually don't feel much of a need nor a desire to lay out the details of how our friendship grew. I think I'll just skip ahead to a critical conversation I had with God.<br />
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We had just had a very emotional night, discussing the feelings we'd had and I confessed to him that I'd fallen in love with him and was so sorry. We talked about needing to have some space for a little while. It was a very painful discussion that I didn't take very well, breaking into tears several times. I knew what the right thing to do was and was doing it. We hadn't done anything wrong, and in fact were each showing great courage in that moment doing what was right. Things have gone much better since that night and I'm happy to report that my relationship with Habakkuk has been one of the healthiest, most meaningful friendships I've ever had. But later that night I had a discussion with God that changed my life.<br />
<br />
Have you ever been angry at God? It is a strange experience. When we are angry with God, we are still expressing faith that He exists, and yet we aren't expressing much support of what He does. It feels wretched and shameful, yet self-sustainably indignant at the same time. I haven't felt that way very many times in my life (this might be the only time logged in my memory in fact!). But that night amidst the many confusing and conflicting emotions I felt, I did in fact feel a very genuine anger towards God. I've had too many experiences confirming my faith to me to doubt His reality, but my desires for Habakkuk made me angry at Him that night. For a moment it simply didn't seem fair that the gospel forbade me to have a relationship with someone I'd fallen in love with. Whenever I feel shame, my typical first reaction is to run from God. Not so with this anger: I got on my knees and confronted God in prayer.<br />
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On my knees, sobbing, I asked God why I couldn't be with this man. Why can't I date, marry, and build a life with him? Even in my indignation, God answered. He answered swiftly, softly, and directly. The thought came to my heart and mind almost immediately: "Well, you CAN build a relationship with him IF you love him more than you love Me." It was a very gentle response. Disarmingly gentle. He even filled me with an understanding that I could be very happy temporally in a relationship like that, but that I would always KNOW that I'd done so at great cost. There are many paths to happiness in THIS life, but if I chose that one it would be at the forfeiture of a celestial glory and I would make that choice knowing full well of that consequence.<br />
<br />
I love the writings of John the Beloved. He is one of the most profound writers in all of the scriptures, and his extensive writings on love in his first general epistle have long been among my favorite scriptures. However, there was always one verse that I never understood, and which in fact troubled me quite deeply until this experience. In 1st John 4:19 we read:<br />
<br />
<i>"We love him, because he first loved us."</i><br />
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It is a short thought wedged between two other verses which are each among my favorites and which have never confused me in the least. But this one was certainly a conundrum. It always seemed like a very silly reason to love God. I guess I was always reading it as meaning we loved him out of some sense of debt because He loved us first so we owed it to Him or something. And that didn't sit well with me. But now there I was, angry at God and met with a feeling of calmness and love in return to my indignation. He gave me a pure love that opened my understanding and I couldn't help but feel a desire to return it. I suddenly realized that His ability to love us first despite our weakness and imperfection is WHY He is worth loving so much and that the love He sends first is often the conduit to a transforming power enabling us to truly love Him deeper. The love He first sends us inspires us to love Him in return. It is an unconditional love, and therefore bears no gravity of debt demanding repayment. He made it very clear that He didn't require me to love Him and that if I chose to love Habakkuk more that was entirely up to me. And yet that love itself changed me deep down. How could I NOT love Him more? I learned that day that I loved Him because of the love He had first for me. <br />
<i> </i><br />
I should add also that my story here doesn't account for the fact that Habakkuk would have also had to have loved me more than he loved God in order for us to have ever had a relationship. And I knew him well enough to know how much love he has for God and that even if I DID love him more than I loved God, he would never feel that same way. (That is one reason I've felt so safe with him.) I do still love him very deeply, but I love God more, and that love for God has transformed the love I have for my fellow SSA brother into something purer and better. I love him even deeper now than I did then, but in a holier way. Perhaps that's why the Great Commandments--to love God and to love our fellow men--are ordered in the way they are. When we love God first, it enables us to love others more purely than we ever could if we placed them ahead of God. Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-62655140299364567812012-04-16T13:10:00.001-07:002012-04-16T13:18:03.349-07:00It Does in Fact Get Better, and with God it Gets Best (Ether 12:4)Last week I wrote a post on the recent panel discussion at BYU, which I attended, and have received the most overwhelming feedback on a post yet since then. This week, I'd like to comment on a related story, namely the YouTube video that was released shortly thereafter, proclaiming an "It gets better" message from self-identified gay and lesbian BYU students. The fundamental goal of the "It gets better" commercials you've probably seen on TV or YouTube is to help prevent suicide of LGBT individuals who are struggling with depression or facing lots of ridicule or attacks on their self-worth as a result of their orientation. Many have scoffed at the campaign because the sponsors of it on a national scale also tend to advocate political objectives such as gay marriage. However, I have to begin by saying that anything which helps prevent suicide and reminds a human soul that they have worth cannot be entirely evil. I can put aside my own differences of opinion with any individual when we can unite on a common goal. If battling suicide and depression are the goal, I'm all for it. <br />
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And so we have the BYU video. If you haven't seen it, here it is. If you're pressed for time and can't watch the full 10 minutes, watch at least the last minute to get the gist of it (from about 8:30 to the end):<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/ekoVGgn5sT0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />
Some people have raised some concerns about the video, that it is fundamentally ambiguous because of the use of the terms gay and lesbian. People want to know what "kind" of gay Mormons these are: are these those who are planning on a gospel life including full commitment to the law of chastity, or do some plan to eventually leave the church to be in a relationship someday, or try to straddle the two worlds. From personal knowledge and acquaintance with several of those featured in the video (they actually don't know about my own SSA; I know them from classes I've shared with them), I can report that the video includes both. And why shouldn't it? In a way, this simply underscores the fact that disagree as some of us may on our approach to being latter-day saints experiencing same-sex attraction, there are some things we can agree on, especially in reassuring those who are trapped in uncertainty and self-loathing that things get better. Nobody in the video attempted to prescribe to anyone else what the correct course of action is. <br />
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I want to raise my own voice of hope today for all who have a rough time. As I contemplate that phrase, "it gets better," I've thought about the reasons why and how that fact manages to be true, regardless of one's approach to the whatever trial they are facing. And honestly, it seems to come from several things. Things get better because we as humans adapt. We learn to cope and the initial shock and trauma of coming to terms with something unexpected subsides. People around us also change. Those who say hurtful things today usually change and soften with time also. When any new circumstance besets us in life, we sometimes have to learn to approach our life differently, which can be hard; but, eventually we succeed and move forward as before. This is the nature of life, and seems to be able to apply to any trial, hardship, change, circumstance, etc. that besets us. So, we've established that it WILL get better. What I've also learned though, is that the WAY it gets better is largely up to us and how we react to our situation.<br />
<br />
It was almost a year ago that I started to confront my same-sex attraction in a healthy way for the first time in my life. May and June of last year were two of the most emotionally confusing months of my life. I had been telling myself every day for almost 10 years up to that point that I didn't have this problem, because I didn't want to acknowledge it and didn't want it to be real. But I knew there were some pretty significant emotional stumbling-blocks being ignored and I wasn't making any progress in dating, or in coping with certain bouts of depression. I finally concluded that I couldn't ignore it anymore.It's been said that insanity means doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That had been my approach so far: continually ignoring and repressing, expecting the feelings to somehow therefore magically go away and allow me to find my happily ever after. Recognizing this, I knew I needed to change things up, so for the first time in my life I began to allow myself to acknowledge those feelings and try to discern what they meant.<br />
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I went to the internet to try to find answers. My searches generally only produced a feeling of deep despair, sure that nobody else out there experienced this trial who didn't eventually leave the Church. I started reading a lot of anti-Mormon rhetoric on the subject from former members who had left the Church to pursue same-sex relationships and found blog after blog filled with such stories. I got tangled up in reading erotic homosexual literature online and occasionally contemplated possibly finding a guy to hook up with to experiment with my homosexual feelings. I'm not going to delve into the complete details of this rather dark period of my life here on this blog. But I faced severe depression at that time and genuinely didn't know what was going to happen to me. I could see some addictive patterns setting in with the erotic literature and anti-Mormon words. My scripture study was having ups and downs and my prayers shortened significantly, as I felt like every time I prayed I merely wanted to check in with God out of a sense of duty, then flee from Him because I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, least of all God. And I hated myself deeply. I knew that the things I was reading were addictive and wrong, as were some of the thoughts I was having. I knew in theory that the Church only condemned actions, not feelings, and yet somehow I seemed to believe that applied to everyone except me--that my thoughts of attraction for certain men made me evil.<br />
<br />
An additional side note on erotic literature: if you are tangled up in reading that garbage, stop now. You will justify it by saying it isn't pornography because there are no pictures. That's a load of crap. The point of the literature is the same as pornography, and it fills your mind with just as many bad sexual thoughts. Indeed, it leaves it to you to imagine the scenes described in your head, and you often find yourself filling it with your own friends and acquaintances you find attractive, subjecting them in your mind to horrible acts they would never choose. You are doing exactly what Christ warned against when He spoke of "looking to lust," about which I've written on an <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/looking-to-lust-3-nephi-1228-30.html" target="_blank">earlier occasion</a>. Erotic literature is just another form of pornography when all is said and done. In fact, I might go so far as to say it is WORSE, because often the sexual scenes described were clothed in what seemed like a tender true love story. I still remember one of them I read so vividly because I felt so connected with the principal character and his lover, which will mess with your brain regarding the right and wrong of homosexual relationships. Picture porn is purely carnal. Written porn feeds you the carnal with a mixture of compelling emotions that aim to get you hooked and attached. Oh, and one more thing: looking up the male reproductive system and then other related articles on human sexual behavior on Wikipedia in order to justify certain pictures and written descriptions is also porn if that's what you're using it as. I've been surprised talking with other SSA guys how frequently that is the starting point for porn addictions. It draws you in by telling you that you're just scientifically curious about the subject, when you know the real reason you're there. Lots of us have done it to, but that doesn't make it right. Don't go there! Anyway, back to my story and how I was feeling...<br />
<br />
I truly did want to remain faithful. I had a very clear testimony of the Gospel that I had gained through a life of gospel living, including certain experiences through my mid- to late-teens that really confirmed the witness of truth to me. Additional experiences on my mission and since continued to show with remarkable clarity to truthfulness of the gospel. I had seen miracles from the Hand of God and had felt His Spirit in UNDENIABLE ways on multiple occasions. I had no room to doubt the validity and efficacy of the gospel. In many ways, that was the greatest cause of my grief: I knew what was right and saw myself doing what was wrong, feeling helpless along the way. I was still very active in my calling and loved Church and my ward very dearly. But the simultaneity of my righteous and unrighteous pursuits was creating some massive cognitive dissonance. And the loneliest feeling resulted from the fact that I couldn't see any examples of others choosing a path which embraced being both same-sex attracted/gay and an active, practicing latter-day saint in full fellowship. I actually didn't worry about not being accepted if I chose to pursue a sexually active lifestyle in the LGBT community and outside the Church. I had already found online many others who had done the same thing and I knew that while it would break some hearts and sever some relationships, I could ultimately find acceptance elsewhere and things would "get better." I also already experienced the support and belonging associated with active participation in the Church. I've seen many leave the Church because they said they were embracing who they really were, and yet to me it seemed like leaving the Church would do the opposite as I would be cutting off a part of myself even more fundamental than my attractions: my covenant relationship with the Deity whose son I am. And yet I felt trapped. I saw my bad actions and thought I was on an inevitable course to leaving the Church. Nobody would understand me if I said, "I feel attracted to men, but I'm going to remain faithful to God and to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which I know to be His true Church on earth. I want to pursue marriage to a woman, and if that doesn't happen in this life, I will remain celibate."<br />
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I actually didn't magically find resolve to these concerns at the end of June. Instead, I left through July and August for an internship abroad and it was a very effective distraction. While I was out of the country, I was so busy with the work I was doing and so very happy doing it, that I had no time to ponder those issues further. I actually thought about them very little and in fact, I almost forgot about them when what seemed like a miracle happened: I met a girl--another BYU student on the same internship--who I loved and was attracted to. Now, as I've mentioned before on this blog, she wasn't the first I was attracted to. But certainly the occasions had been rare. But I liked her so much and felt like maybe all those years of telling myself I wasn't gay had finally paid off and here was my prize. We weren't allowed to date while on the internship, but the next fall back in Provo, I took her on several dates in September and October. We didn't formally date, per se, but we spent a lot of time together and definitely had a mutual pull for each other. I've told this story I think before on the blog. The short of it is, by late October things fell apart and the attempted relationship didn't work out. This threw me psychologically and emotionally back into all the same despair, depression, and confusion I'd felt back in May and June.<br />
<br />
I started reading erotic literature again and anti-Mormon blogs, picking up right where I'd left off. But this time, God had a tender mercy in store for me to help knock me in the right direction. It actually was planted before things fell apart with the girl. During conference weekend in October I had been following the #ldsconf hashtag on Twitter. I saw a lot of tweets coming from a user named @GayMormonGuy. I thought that was interesting and was worried it was one of the many former or less-faithful members whose blogs I'd read, perhaps planting derisive comments on Twitter during conference using the hashtag. But all of his tweets were very positive about the Church and conference. Intrigued, I went to his Twitter profile and found his blog address. (A link to the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog can be found at right on my blog list). It was the blog I always had looked for back in May and June but could never find: a faithful latter-day saint who experienced same-sex attraction. But mind you, when I first found this on Twitter, I wasn't yet depressed again. In fact I remember specifically thinking, "Wow. That's cool. But I don't need that anymore anyway, because I have a girl now." And I moved on.<br />
<br />
After things fell apart several weeks later, as I said, I initially fell back into the same habits of despair. I actually did not at first remember the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog. I actually was quite busy that semester, so I was slightly more distracted from the issues than I had been in May and June, but he same patterns were reemerging and I felt like I'd squandered a miracle. My same-sex attractions actually really intensified during that time. In fact, it was at that time I really fixated on the one individual I've code-named "Methuselah" in the past here on the blog. My attraction level for girls fell to practically zero as well. But then, things got better. During Thanksgiving break that blog I'd found during conference came back to memory vaguely. It took me a bit of searching, but I found it again... and it changed my life. His story and experiences resonated deeply with me. I felt sometimes like he was describing me perfectly, as if he had seen into my life and heart, but he was just talking about himself. It was a very large blog with over 800 followers at the time, and over 2 years worth of entries, often with daily posts early on. I read the entire thing over Thanksgiving break. I don't know how much reading that is. Definitely comparable to a fairly lengthy book. I've continued to read every post since. And for the first time since confronting my SSA head-on, I felt a true spark of hope, that there could be a happy and faithful life out there for me and at least one other person equally valiant who understood what I was going through. I spent many hours on my knees in sincere prayer. For the first time ever I didn't feel like fleeing from God regarding this issue when I prayed. Instead, I was able to talk to Him about it and feel his reassurance that it didn't make me an evil person and that He loved me and would help me. I felt genuinely happy, though still confused and sorting things out. Things were a substantial emotional roller coaster for a while as I sorted through the pain of some of the regrettable things I'd gotten into and of continuing to recognize and sort out my various feelings and thoughts. But there was definitely a guiding hope that wasn't there before. This blog was actually begun on the last day of that Thanksgiving break as I felt like I wanted to put my testimony out there as another witness for staying true while experiencing SSA, especially to counter all the contrary voices I'd seen and read.<br />
<br />
Since that time, things have continually gotten better. You can read through this blog to see many of those things. I won't describe right now in great detail everything that has happened since then, but here is a brief summary of the main milestones in my own path as it has gotten better:<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Confiding in and confessing to my bishop, who continues to be a wonderful support and help. He was so kind and understanding as has continued to be so. </li>
<li>Finding a surprising number of additional blogs from faithful LDS individuals with SSA. </li>
<li>Connecting with NorthStar, an online support group for Latter-day Saints with SSA, which really opened my mind to the vast number of people out there like me, reassuring me that I truly wasn't alone.</li>
<li>From NorthStar, meeting a close group of friends with the issue who I am safe with, but who can understand and help and counsel when I'm having a really hard time. </li>
<li>Telling my parents: a sacred experience I've written about earlier on this blog. </li>
<li>Some therapeutic techniques that have helped me truly understand my attractions. I've been able to stop hating myself for liking guys, and be okay with that fact. Meanwhile, while what I've been involved with hasn't been directly focused on diminishing same-sex attractions, it has focused on helping foster and strengthen dormant opposite-sex attractions, and I'm beginning to see that happen. Oddly, my same-sex attractions may have even increased a bit in the process, but so have my opposite-sex ones. So I like more guys AND girls I feel like! This one is definitely still in progress, but I'm filled with hope.</li>
<li>I've left behind destructive approaches to the topic and have repented. I feel clean again and have learned many lessons from the mistakes I've made.</li>
</ul>My life is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I still have some really rough days emotionally, and face interesting and trying experiences. I still face misunderstanding, and I still haven't had any dating success. But you know what? My life is better, and it is continually getting even better still. As I said earlier, I've come to understand that no matter how we approach our trials, things DO get better emotionally. But how we approach them DOES affect the WAY it gets better. In the Book of Mormon, we find an "It gets better" message from God which recommends the course we must pursue if we not only want life to get better, but ultimately want our eternal life to be the BEST. In Ether 12:4 we read:<br />
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<i>Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety <b>hope for a better world</b>, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.</i><br />
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God wants life to get better for us, and knows it can and will. He promises that hope of things getting better if we trust Him, offering our belief, our faith, and the steadfastness of our good works. That's the simple formula. It has worked wonders for me. When I was pursuing my exploration of this matter in unhealthy ways, I was not happy. I was not guided by hope. I'm sure had I pursued it long enough, I would have found other forms and supplies of happiness in a homosexual relationship. Mormons certainly don't have a monopoly on happiness, and God desires some happiness for all of His children. But, the happiness I feel now comes also with the promise of a more eternally guaranteed and lasting form: a better world and a place at the right hand of God. All things we do in this life will eventually fade and cease, except those things we guarantee for ourselves in the hereafter via covenants with our Father in Heaven. Those covenants bring me an unbeatable source of happiness, and I know they can for you also. Stay faithful and obtain the promises! It does get better, and with God it gets best.<br />
<i> </i><br />
I wish the best truly to you,<br />
<br />
Obadiah<br />
<br />
P.S. The video featured is only the main video of the BYU It Gets Better Project. There are a couple dozen more which focus more specifically on stories of individuals. Some contain views I don't necessarily agree with, but they certainly have every right to express their differing views, hopefully with the same understanding that they don't decry my own.Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-25176661979536939222012-04-08T21:46:00.004-07:002012-04-11T01:25:18.482-07:00Choose the Right (2 Nephi 2:27)I haven't blogged in a while. This semester has been absolutely consuming me, but at last it is finally ending soon. Meanwhile, the last few days of my life have been far too significant to not blog about. Sometimes Satan pulls out all the stops and tries to pummel you with full force. But you always have a choice.<br />
<br />
As many of you know, BYU held a panel discussion this last week, hosted by the Sociology department and the USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) organization--a campus club devoted to raising awareness of this issue. I am not a member of this organization; while I wish them the best in their efforts and applaud some of the work they are doing to build bridges of understanding, I don't always agree with the predominate approach to the subject held by many USGA members. However, I did attend the panel discussion. A lot of it was very good and served its purpose of bridging gaps in understanding. However, I was disappointed that they seemed to present 2 possible outcomes for an LDS SSA life: They had one panelist who was married, and they went to great lengths to underscore the fact that he is an extreme, almost mythical exception to the rule. Two of the other panelists expressed during the discussion that while they live the honor code fully at BYU, they don't likely envision themselves post-BYU living their lives without a same-sex partner. One of them received rather loud applause upon this admission. I found that slightly disconcerting. I have love and respect for those panelists, and especially their bravery. I hope they have very happy and fulfilling lives. However, I am perturbed that the room erupted in applause when it was made known that they fully intended to break the commandments later. To paraphrase loosely what he said from my notes, "I just can't imagine my life without a man, and I want to raise my family and children, with my husband, in a Church setting as best I can. To do otherwise would deny who I am and I could never do that."<br />
<br />
I was made to wonder: if I struggled with a strong temptation for greed and deep passion for material goods, do you think I would receive loud applause if I stood in a forum setting at BYU and announced that "I just can't imagine my life paying tithing. I'm going to faithfully attend Church as a non-tithe payer, because to do otherwise would deny who I am and I could never do that." I somehow don't think I'd be met with much applause. Now, don't get me wrong. There are those among us who attend faithfully every week and don't pay their tithing. I don't judge them for it and I love them and hope they always feel welcome attending their meetings. But I ultimately know that no matter how happy the world makes them, it will always be better for them to pay their tithing. They will be blessed for it and find lasting joy. It may take a long time to find it, too! We are not always instantly blessed for our obedience. In fact, obedience can often be painful and difficult. But that's sometimes the point.<br />
<br />
Overall, I felt like the panel seemed to present a rather dangerously incomplete view of the LDS population that experiences same-sex attraction. They boiled it down to a rare super-minority that get married, and the alternative view to try remaining active while in a same-sex relationship. I do actually hope that BYU continues to encourage dialogue on this subject in the LDS community, but I hope additional views can be represented. Honestly, through NorthStar I've met LOTS of happily married LDS SSA guys. They are not such a rare minority as the panel seemed to suggest. But even for those who don't get married, it saddens me that the only real alternative suggested was to accept a same sex partner.<br />
<br />
Even more sad, this weekend a few people I've connected with, in part inspired by the panel discussion, chose to act on the recommendation and choose a homosexual lifestyle, leaving their covenants behind for a moment of pleasure. I knew when I started connecting with other SSA guys and helping/being helped by them, that sooner or later someone I cared for deeply would probably make that choice. Now it has happened, and I must say it has actually been pretty hard emotionally. Harder than I anticipated. They say they are so happy now that they've made that choice. You know what? I'll bet they are. They expressed needs for companionship that have been filled. That is a very basic human need, so of course filling it would bring happiness. But just because God said that "men are that they might have joy," (2 Nephi 2:25), He never said that everything that makes us feel happy is the correct choice. I also recognize that this doesn't mean they are "lost." The wonderful thing about agency is that even after making a wrong choice, it is still in our power to repent and choose the right in the future.<br />
<br />
So, I was thrown off emotionally and spiritually for a bit this weekend (other life stresses weighed upon me at the same time I don't have time to explain here). And I could hear so clearly the voice of the Adversary pulling at me with a very familiar lie: that giving in is inevitable and is the only way to be happy. I have felt him tell me that every day for a long time now. Satan loves to make us think we don't really have a choice, and that sooner or later we are gonna cave in and act on his temptations. He wants us to think that we have no agency in the matter. And sometimes his arguments can be rather convincing too! I must admit that I am so grateful for great friends who helped me and talked me through some depression and intense temptations this weekend. I did feel really discouraged for a while, and must admit I considered how easily I could give in. But God reminded me through my friends and through the Spirit that I can choose! But it is important to understand agency completely to recognize the powers to choose that we HAVE, versus a few things which really ARE beyond our control.<br />
<br />
Agency is really important. As latter-day saints, we understand that. In fact, we know we fought a war over it. We highly value the fact that we as humans get to make CHOICES. I think our admirable love for agency can sometimes be the root of some less desirable side effects. For example, there are still those among us who constantly perpetuate the idea that same-sex attraction is something chosen. I sure didn't choose this! It's fascinating to me to think about the idea of choice itself. I very clearly and definitely make many choices every day. But I also know that if the doctor hammers the spot on the knee just right, the leg will kick without my choosing. I cannot always make a choice whether or not something will cause me to be aroused, though I can choose to try avoiding things or situations that will. There are LOTS of things I didn't choose besides just my patterns of attraction--my gender, my face, my nationality, my race. On the other hand, there are many things we CAN choose. As Father Lehi taught anciently:<br />
<br />
<i>"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (2 Nephi 2:27)</i><br />
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We may not choose our circumstances, but it has been given to us that which is expedient: the ability to choose our response to those circumstances. As appealing as it may be for a moment, it will never be better to choose the wrong, regardless of how alluring and constant the temptation. It is not inevitable that you will make the wrong choice. You can choose.<br />
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I've recently grown a deep love for the hymn "Choose the Right" (#239) and its simple but profound message.I especially found the second verse resonating with me this weekend. It says:<br />
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<i>Choose the right! Let no spirit of digression</i><br />
<i>Overcome you in the evil hour.</i><br />
<i>There's the right and the wrong to ev'ry question;</i><br />
<i>Be safe through inspiration's pow'r.</i><br />
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I found myself for a while "in the evil hour" this weekend. A strong spirit of digression pulled at me and even suggested specific ways I could abandon my covenants this very weekend. But those digressive spirits cannot overcome you if you do not let them. And, with the help of God and some friends, I CHOSE THE RIGHT today. You can too! It was also pointed out to me tonight how one may substitute the word "Christ" for "right" in the hymn:<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>Choose the Christ, Choose the Christ</i><br />
<i>Let Wisdom mark the way before.</i><br />
<i>In His light, Choose the Christ</i><br />
<i>And God will bless you ever more. </i><br />
<br />
On this glorious Easter evening, it is my prayer that you and I will both resolve this night and forever to Choose the Christ--even Him who bled and died that you might be empowered to come back to Him and repent and Choose Him, even if in your past you sometimes have chosen poorly. He died so that you could make those mistakes you did, and now get back on your feet and choose HIM instead, from this moment on.<br />
<i> </i><i></i><br />
I'll leave you with this beautiful arrangement of that lovely hymn, as sung by a BYU priesthood choir in General Conference, April 2010:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/qpBONEQFZ0I?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br />
<br />
My best,<br />
<br />
ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-33166260910356687942012-02-29T01:12:00.000-08:002012-02-29T01:12:29.656-08:00Prone to Wander (JS-H 1:28-29)I want to share with you tonight 2 of the most tender verses I've ever read. They are among my all-time favorites and actually come from Joseph Smith--History in the Pearl of Great Price. I'm not kidding when I say that in my scriptures these 2 verses of his history have more markings and annotations than his First Vision account in verses 15-20 do. That isn't because I don't treasure his First Vision! I simply find that these two verses deeply speak to me and help me not feel so bad about myself sometimes.<br />
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They are really long, but so meaningful with many lessons in them, so here goes:<br />
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<i>28 During the space of time which intervened between the time I had the vision and the year eighteen hundred and twenty-three--having been forbidden to join any of the religious sects of the day, and being of very tender years, and persecuted by those who ought to have been my friends and to have treated me kindly, and if they supposed me to be deluded to have endeavored in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me--I was left to all kinds of temptations; and, mingling with all kinds of society, I frequently fell into many foolish errors, and displayed the weakness of youth, and the foibles of human nature; which, I am sorry to say, led me into divers temptations, offensive in the sight of God. In making this confession, no one need suppose me guilty of any great or malignant sins. A disposition to commit such was never in my nature. But I was guilty of levity, and sometimes associated with jovial company, etc., not consistent with that character which ought to be maintained by one who was called of God as I had been. But this will not seem very strange to any one who recollects my youth, and is acquainted with my native cheery temperament.</i><br />
<i>29 In consequence of these things, I often felt condemned for my weakness and imperfections; when, on the evening of the above-mentioned twenty-first of September, after I had retired to my bed for the night, I betook myself to prayer and supplication to Almighty God for forgiveness of all my sins and follies, and also for a manifestation to me, that I might know of my state and standing before him; for I had full confidence in obtaining a divine manifestation, as I previously had one. </i><br />
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So, I've been keeping this blog up, and actually facing my same-sex attraction head-on for the first time ever, for three months now. It has been incredibly therapeutic and I've been overwhelmed at the flood of positive response and connections I've made. But I've also learned some really crucial lessons in that time, and many of them are represented in those two verses above. Here are some key lessons I've learned my first three months:<br />
<br />
1. Like Joseph, sometimes we are "persecuted by those who ought to have been [our] friends." Sometimes you will "out" yourself to someone, and they will not respond positively. (Go back and read my first "outing" experience<a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/11/truth-shall-make-you-free-john-832-part.html" target="_blank"> here</a> if you don't believe me!) Not everyone in the Church has learned to handle this topic very well yet. Many are getting better. But many still have a long way to go. I've had a lot more positive experiences since that first one and my closest "straight" friends, my bishop, my parents, and my brother all now know about me. Don't feel down when those who ought to be your friends persecute you. Just like you, they are still progressing on their own spiritual journeys and have lessons to learn. <br />
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2. Don't get offended if some try to "endeavor in a proper and affectionate manner to reclaim" you. This is related to the first lesson. Some will persecute you, which is a shame. Others may try to offer you advice, not even having the slightest clue what you are going through, ignorant of how counterproductive some of their advice could potentially be. The gut reaction is to get angry at them in that instant. Resist! Take a deep breath and remember that if they are persecuting you, they probably love you and their advice is a rather tender manifestation of their love for you. They want to help you. Of course, if they genuinely are giving you bad advice, you don't need to take it. But neither do you need to shun them. Be grateful that they care. Joseph didn't really encounter people like this, but wished he had, even though their advice to reclaim him from what was actually right would have been purely erroneous! It should simply serve as a positive contrast to those who persecute. <br />
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3. As human beings, we are, as the Hymn "Come Thou Fount" reminds us, truly "prone to wander." And truly did I feel that this week--that I am prone to leave the God I love. Joseph expresses this in the middle of verse 28. In fact, it's so good, I'm going to print it again. He says:<br />
<br />
<i>"I was left to all kinds of temptations; and, mingling with all kinds of society, I frequently fell into many foolish errors, and displayed the weakness of youth, and the foibles of human nature; which, I am sorry to say, led me into divers temptations, offensive in the sight of God. In making this confession, no one need suppose me guilty of any great or malignant sins."</i><br />
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One great warning I've come to be aware of is to beware of who you mingle with. There are great support groups out there through Evergreen, NorthStar, LDS 12-step programs, etc. BUT, no matter how good the organization is as a whole, it is important to be cautious! Most of the people in these groups are well-meaning like you, but some are less pure in their intents. And even two well-meaning SSA LDS guys can soon find themselves in a heap of trouble if they don't exercise caution because the natural man in each one of us makes us particularly prone to wander! Furthermore, I've come to understand that just as important as cautiously avoiding poor company is surrounding yourself with good company that lifts you up. In the past few weeks I've come to see myself come very close to crossing forbidden lines when I was not cautious, but saw myself pulled up and recovered and spiritually fed by other guys, both SSA and OSA, who are stalwart and looking out for me. Those friendships have been so valuable to me!<br />
<br />
4. To feel self-loathing is NATURAL, but it is also not good. It is really reassuring to me to know that Joseph Smith himself sometimes felt "condemned for [his] weaknesses and imperfections." I've discussed shame versus godly sorrow in other posts, but a slight review may be helpful here. Shame is an unnecessary feeling of condemnation for who you are that tears you down and tells you you are stuck. Godly sorrow generally focuses on what we've DONE instead, and then motivates us to change who we ARE for the better. Shame tries to perpetuate itself, while Godly Sorrow is always intended to be temporary. One of the worst tricks shame uses to get us to help if perpetuate, is to make us feel guilty about our feelings of shame! If we recognize that we are doing good and that the shame we feel is unfounded, we can get discouraged even further for feeling the shame at all! It seems to me the best way to fight that trap is to bear in mind that sometimes depressing feelings of shame are another natural man symptom that we are working on. It may not be entirely in your control to cast the shame out! It may require help--in fact it will almost certainly require help and healing from God. But don't tell yourself all is lost--other great men before you have felt similarly.<br />
<br />
5. God is always willing to give that help and to manifest Himself to us when we ask. This was Joseph's beautiful solution. He prays for forgiveness (which Godly Sorrow will always prompt us to do anyway) and for a manifestation of God. He was hoping very specifically for another vision. That doesn't need to be your prayer though. A manifestation of God is simply a moving of His hand in your life, and that can come in many forms. If you think of the moments that have most strongly built your testimony, I think you'll recognize God's hand in those moments. Pray to Him, and I promise that in some way that will be clear and discernible to you, you will see Him manifest Himself. It may not come immediately; in fact, I've written before how sometimes our prayers seem hollow and unanswered and we are left to feel Forsaken. But in that same <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/forsaken-matthew-2746.html" target="_blank">earlier post</a> I also pointed out how God's temporary withdrawal can itself be the sign that He is there.<br />
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You've made mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. You're human. Trust God, and He will help you improve and get you through what you are going through.<br />
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My best,<br />
<br />
ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-92180540880339681872012-02-19T23:32:00.001-08:002012-02-19T23:33:21.358-08:00Straining at Gnats, Swallowing Camels (Matthew 23:24-28)I'm going to be completely up front with you: I'm in a rather "soap-box-ish" mood right now as I write this post. But I'm going to try not to get TOO heated in bringing an important topic to the table.<br />
<br />
Many of you, especially others of you in Provo, probably found yourselves scratching your heads this week over a viral story revolving around modesty and the BYU honor code. If not, let me tell you the now well-known Valentine's Day story of Brittany Molina, who that day was dressed like this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZHU7mrQpt-g/T0Gn2b6-4HI/AAAAAAAAACU/nRVWqQbKN1U/s1600/Molina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZHU7mrQpt-g/T0Gn2b6-4HI/AAAAAAAAACU/nRVWqQbKN1U/s320/Molina.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>She was handed a note by a stranger while she was studying on campus. Initially flattered to receive a secret Valentine, she unfolded it to learn that is was not a love note at all. Instead, it offered her the following rebuke: <i>"You may want to consider that what you're wearing has a negative effect on men (and women) around you. Many people come to this university because they feel safe, morally as well as physically, here. They expect others to abide by the Honor Code that we all agreed on. Please consider your commitment to the Honor Code (which you agreed to) when dressing each day. Thank you."</i><br />
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Yeah, I know. I was confused too. Scroll up again. I couldn't quite see how her appearance would inspire unhealthy thoughts in men (but then again, I'm not the most qualified guy to judge that either). Anyway, clearly it seems like even if the young man was having issues with his thoughts because of what she was wearing, he went about things the wrong way. Definitely overreacted. At least she seems to have been a good sport about it and posted the picture, the story, and the note on Twitter herself, leading to its viral proliferation.<br />
<br />
But anyway, while that story is at least to a degree amusing, the next one I have for you is not. With campus abuzz with Brittany's story, I became privy to another conversation about modesty that quickly turned into something quite different. A group of students was discussing how so many girls break the honor code by wearing immodest clothing. This led to a discussion of the evils in the world corrupting the morals we stand for, which led a discussion of how liberals are ruining the world. Ultimately, a conclusion was reached, half-jokingly, to "burn all the liberals, burn all the gays."<br />
<br />
This isn't the first time I've heard such things said. And who hasn't heard the classic line of "stick all the gays on an island together" at least once or twice before? It usually doesn't bug me as much as it did this time, and I think the reason was because of their purported devotion to the honor code just a couple minutes before. I thought of the words of Christ when he rebuked the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23:24-38, saying,<br />
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<i>24 Ye blind guides, <b>which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel</b>.</i><br />
<i>25 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within are full of extortion and excess.</i><br />
<i>26 Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.</i><br />
<i>27 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.</i><br />
<i>28 Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. </i><br />
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Now, this passage is a little harsh. It is, honestly, TOO harsh for this situation. I am certainly not here to condemn these students to the same degree Christ condemned the Pharisees. However, I think there are some important principles here that apply. Perhaps what bugged me the most is that they were so passionate about maintaining that a skirt that is an inch too short violates the honor code, but apparently don't think that hate speech does. This is what Christ referred to when he spoke of those who would "strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel." They made very public displays out of expressing their utter abhorrence for the breaking of tiny technical parts of the law of Moses, but were at the same time violating much more important commands, especially as regards the deeper, principle levels of the law. And that's how I feel we must be acting when we very publicly condemn girls for a few inches of fabric, but disregard what Christ called one of the "Great Commandments," to love our neighbors as ourselves. If you are deficient in love for your fellow men, then I don't care how modestly you dress--you've become merely a whited sepulchre or a vessel clean only on the outside; you "outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy." <br />
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Now, let me be clear: I am in no way advocating the swallowing of gnats! There is certainly danger in people pointing to others swallowing camels and using it to justify their own gnat swallowing. By all means I support the principle of modesty and adherence to those outward parts of the BYU honor code. But without clean inner vessels, you aren't really remotely living any code of honor. There is no honor in making degrading comments about others who are different from you. In April Conference of 2006, Pres. Hinckley spoke about the evils of hate speech, specifically regarding race, though it seems his remarks can be equally applied to any hate speech made based on differences in orientation, religion, race, gender, or any other factor. He said:<br />
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<i>"Now I am told that racial slurs and denigrating remarks are sometimes heard among us. I remind you that no man who makes disparaging remarks concerning those of another race can consider himself a true disciple of<a class="no-link-style" href="http://jesuschrist.lds.org/"></a> Christ. Nor can he consider himself to be in harmony with the teachings of the Church of Christ... </i><br />
<div class=""><br />
</div><div class=""><i>"Throughout my service as a member of the First Presidency, I have recognized and spoken a number of times on the diversity we see in our society. It is all about us, and we must make an effort to accommodate that diversity.</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class=""><i>"Let us all recognize that each of us is a son or daughter of our Father in Heaven, who loves all of His children.</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class=""><i>"Brethren, there is no basis for racial hatred among the priesthood of this Church. If any within the sound of my voice is inclined to indulge in this, then let him go before the Lord and ask for forgiveness and be no more involved in such."</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="">Can it be any more clear than that? </div><div class=""><i> </i></div><div class="">Now, that being said I must also add a caveat that I've seen the door swing in the other direction sometimes. I've sadly seen other same-sex attracted men get tangled up in deep sexual transgression while decrying a lack of tolerance in others. Don't let the gnats of others allow you to try justifying your camels! Will others judge you whether you are righteous or not? YES THEY WILL! But does their judging make your sins excusable? Absolutely not. And that applies to any sin and every person. </div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="">My suggestion? Take further advice from Christ given on another occasion when he encouraged us to look for the beams in our own eyes before removing the mote (i.e. twig) in our neighbor's. Focus on discovering whatever gnats or camels you are swallowing and eliminate those rather than decrying the wretched evils of what your neighbor is doing. I mean, honestly, how likely are you to help your neighbor when you approach him in a spirit of self-righteousness and without love in your heart? Not very likely. Work on your own inner vessels, and let it begin with the great commandments: to love God, and to love your fellow beings. </div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="">I hope I haven't sounded TOO bitter in this post. I honestly am sure that those students on the whole are great people and maybe just need a little guidance in a few things. So do I. Don't we all? </div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="">My best,</div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="">Obadiah</div>Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-22711503844243410922012-02-13T00:51:00.000-08:002012-02-13T00:51:51.106-08:00God's Small Ministrations (Ether 3:18)This is going to be a really short, but really happy post. First of all, I just want to thank you all for the overwhelming amount of sharing that has been done with my last post, "Grace and Godly Sorrow." In the one week since I wrote it, it has sky-rocketed to quickly overtake "Love thy Neighbor" as my most read post of all time! That was quite a surprise. Thank you all for the loving emails of support you've sent my way. I love you all so much!<br />
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So, as I said, this is going to be a really short and simple post. I ran across an absolutely touching verse yesterday in Ether 3:18, which says:<br />
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<i>"And he [Christ] ministered unto him [the brother of Jared] even as he ministered unto the Nephites; and all this, that this man might know that he was God"</i><br />
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Maybe it's just me, but it seems like Moroni was struck with the same sense of awe as he wrote this verse<i> </i>that I am struck with while reading it. Moroni reflects back on the story from 3 Nephi, recorded by his father Mormon, and how the Savior there came and ministered personally to a large multitude of people. And now here He is again taking the time to minister, but this story takes place 2000+ years earlier on a mountain to a single individual. God loves the Brother of Jared enough to minister to him very personally here.<br />
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In reading this short but very sweet verse, I was reminded of the many times and ways that my Father has chosen to make Himself known to me throughout my life. Sometimes it is while I am at Church, among others--like the Nephites and Bountiful. Other times, it is a very personal one-on-one experience, even as the Brother of Jared had. But He DOES minister to us. Many times it is in the realization of tiny blessings that He can be found. Look carefully at your circumstances each day, and I'll bet you'll be surprised how present He is.<br />
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I know God lives. I know He loves me. I know He loves you. He wants to minister to you, but you must let Him, and often must first call upon Him. Let Him help you, and look for Him carefully each day.<br />
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My Best,<br />
<br />
ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-84371047187384936362012-02-06T00:38:00.002-08:002012-02-06T00:41:15.780-08:00Grace and Godly Sorrow (Moroni 10:32-33)In December I wrote a post called "<a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/grace-and-gasoline-2-nephi-2523.html" target="_blank">Grace and Gasoline</a>" that discussed the necessity of Grace for our salvation, comparing it to gasoline in a car. If you haven't read that post, you may want to go back and read it first. I suppose it isn't essential to understand this one, but I may draw back on things I said in that post and assume you know what I'm talking about. You've been warned.<br />
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Anyway, the subject of Grace has been on my mind a lot more the past few weeks, and I felt like it would be helpful to write another post on the subject. In my earlier post on Grace, I emphasized its importance and the fact that it is an enabling power. In this post, I'd like to discuss more specifically HOW it acts as that enabling power, including some specific ways I've seen Grace manifest in my own life and the divine role of Godly Sorrow in the process of sanctification, as opposed to its counterfeit, shame. <br />
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So, let's dig right into it, shall we? In that last post I proposed a rather in-depth analogy comparing Grace to gasoline, enabling us to move forward. It's a mighty nice thought, but do we see examples in the real world? I think even recognizing that Grace somehow plays a role along the way, we fail sometimes to grasp what that role is. I'm sure I still do in many ways. But I've recently come to see very clearly at least a little manifestation of Grace acting as the fuel which propelled me forward. I want to begin with a scripture from literally the closing verses of the Book of Mormon. In Moroni 10:32-33 we read:<br />
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<i>32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness</i>;<i> and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. </i><br />
<i>33 And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot. </i><br />
<i> </i><br />
And so, in these verses, among the very last words of Moroni before he sealed up the plates, we see God's great plan revealed: to make us perfect and holy. Note that Moroni doesn't neglect our part (in the analogy, if you remember, it is still up to us to drive the car). Thus, we must put forth our effort to deny ourselves of all ungodliness. In other words, our desire and action need to be there in order for all of this to work--God won't force us to improve if we don't desire it. But the gas is absolutely essential for the car to move forward when we push down on the peddle. Moroni here uses one of my favorite words to describe this perfection process: SANCTIFICATION. <i></i>It is sad to me how few latter-day saints understand this concept. The word itself literally means "to make holy." It describes what Grace DOES. It is what life is all about: conversion. We are hopefully throughout out lives constantly in the process of being converted from raw, natural men and women, into divine beings. Sometimes we choose instead to be converted in the opposite direction. But with God's help we can choose godliness, thanks to Grace and the power of sanctification.<br />
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So, now let me humble myself a bit and share some of my own experiences with you and how I've seen grace manifest in my life. I've <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/search/label/%22Methuselah%22" target="_blank">written on two previous occasions</a> about a friend of mine I find especially attractive who I've code named "Methuselah" for the purposes of this blog. In the previous 2 posts I've written about him, I alluded to the concept of impure thoughts and how we can keep them at bay. Those are great posts of advice on how to help keep thoughts clean--at least our side of it. Those posts detail well how we put our foot on the gas and steer the car, as per the road trip analogy of Grace. But overcoming impure thoughts I had about "Methuselah" required more than my own effort. Today I want to tell you that Grace changed my heart, enabling me to overcome those thoughts.<br />
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When I confessed to my bishop about the thoughts I'd had, he gave me a beautiful analogy. He said that there's nothing wrong with a bird flying over our heads, and perhaps sometimes even landing there! But if we let him build a nest in our hair, that is entirely our fault. Sadly, in the case of "Methuselah" several months ago I had begun to let the bird build a nest. I allowed myself to conjure up some pretty awful fantasies involving the two of us in my head. Now, once again, my previous posts (which are linked to in the previous paragraph) detail the things I did personally to overcome those impure thoughts. If you are struggling with keeping your thoughts pure, please read the advice I offer there for "chasing the bird away" so to speak. But also keep reading this post, because I think the most important part of the equation is relying on Christ to help with the parts we can't do on our own. You see, at the time I genuinely enjoyed those fantasies. I DIDN'T WANT to forsake them. But, I DID recognize the deficiency in my desires. I was able to start putting forth the effort to change before I even entirely desired to, but above all I prayed to God to help my desires change. And at the time I left it at that and moved on and was able to gradually clean up my thoughts. And while I recognized the change in thoughts, I didn't realize along the way how much my desires had changed until this last week actually.<br />
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As I mentioned in previous posts, one of the ways I coped with my attraction to "Methuselah" and dispelled bad thoughts was by developing a healthy friendship with him. I've recently done some fun social things with him and have gotten to know him really quite well. This last week, reflecting on the fun friendship and spiritual ways I've gotten to know him also, I was suddenly reminded of the profane thoughts I had about him back in October. In that moment I experienced a huge wave of what the scriptures call "Godly Sorrow." There was no fondness for those thoughts. Only disgust. I honestly couldn't believe that I'd ever allowed my thoughts to go there. I felt sick to my stomach that I'd let such a pure and innocent person be the unwitting victim of such awful thoughts. I felt great sadness; like I'd hurt him very personally. I felt like I'd profaned something very sacred--and indeed I had. But then I was hit with the realization of how sacred that feeling of remorse was. I was reminded of my prayers to God that He would with His Grace help change my desires, something I was not able to accomplish on my own, despite my best efforts. I was able to do lots of other things to cut the thoughts off, but the desires had remained. But in the last few months, my efforts plus grace teamed up and I was transformed. In at least one dimension of my character, I experienced sanctification. Through God's Grace, my heart was changed. I no longer desire unchaste thoughts for "Methuselah" or anyone else now. In fact, the thought disgusts me now! I've been filled with a renewed sense of sacred regard for my fellow men. And I am so full of gratitude for it!<br />
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So, let me wrap this post up by commenting a bit more on that feeling of Godly Sorrow. It is very natural to feel sorrow for sin. In fact, this week it was a welcome tender mercy from God that helped me recognize His Grace: it was that sorrow that helped me realize how much cleaner I am as a person, and how far Grace has brought me. Now, I would warn you all to learn to discern between Godly Sorrow and its counterfeit, shame. I recently heard the difference between the two defined as follows: Godly Sorrow is embodied by sadness for sins we've committed, and always serves as a healthy motivator for change, or in some cases a reminder of the change we've made. Shame, on the other hand, is fueled by self-loathing. While Godly Sorrow says, "the things you've done are bad," shame says, "YOU are bad person." Shame undermines the person's self-worth and thus tries to serve to keep us stuck in sin. Shame discourages us and tells us that because we are sinners, why should we even try to change? Or why should we like ourselves? Shame is what can breed suicidal thoughts. Satan wants you to feel shame, and then will tell you it is Godly Sorrow, in order to try to make you believe that you DESERVE to feel such hateful things about yourself. DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE LIES! You are a soul of great worth. You deserve to feel loved by God, because He does love you! He loves you enough to have sent His Son to atone for you, so that you could experience the Grace and Sanctification that will make you more like Him. Along the way, you will naturally feel some Godly Sorrow for your imperfections, but I hope you don't ever let shame hold you too tightly or too long. As the beautiful hymn "I Stand All Amazed" puts it, sometimes recognizing God's atoning love for us can leave us "confused at the grace that so fully he proffers" us. Because I do not yet love perfectly as He does, I too am continually confused by that Grace. Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me enough to die for me!<br />
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I hope this second post on Grace has been helpful. I'm sure it won't be my last on this subject. Thank you for reading. I love you all so much!<br />
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My best,<br />
<br />
ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-17587008299296034082012-01-26T00:32:00.000-08:002012-01-26T00:32:37.665-08:00Prayer (Hymn 140)In ancient days, the Jews generally regarded the psalms to be "lesser scripture," but scripture nonetheless. I think this is how I feel sometimes about our hymns. I sometimes learn profound things from them, as much as I sometimes do studying the scriptures. And so, as you can tell from my title, I've chosen to base my remarks tonight around a hymn rather than a scripture passage. The hymn is one you probably know, but which has really sunk into my mind lately. It's number 140: "Did You Think to Pray?"<br />
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The first verse says:<br />
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<i>Ere you left your room this morning, Did you think to pray?</i><br />
<i>In the name of Christ, our Savior, Did you sue for loving favor As a shield today?</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
The first line is the least profound of the entire hymn, but there is still more to it than initially meets the eye. At first, it seems to merely suggest the duty of prayer--that prayer is something we are required to do with regularity. But then comes the second line, which unlocks the true intent of the first. The first line isn't there to rebuke us if we didn't pray, but to encourage us. It's not about guilt-tripping, but rather gladly inviting us to reap the rich benefits of prayer. The real sadness in not praying to begin the day is not that you didn't fulfill an obligation, but rather that you didn't reap an important blessing of heavenly protection. You hurt yourself far more than you could ever hurt God if you don't pray.<br />
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One thing I especially love about this hymn, is that it never asks, "Did you think to say your prayers?" Rather, it specifically enjoins PRAYING, which altogether a different matter than merely "saying prayers." This is one of the most important distinctions I've learned in my life. "Saying prayers" means to go through the motions and say prayer-like words addressed to God. Often repetitious. Praying, on the other hand, is a divine 2-way conversation. Prayer often transcends the pattern we learned in primary of addressing--thanking--asking--closing. That is a nice paradigm to teach children with, but eventually we must move beyond it. In fact, perhaps the most important part of effective prayer is LISTENING. Eventually, prayers start including basic conversation about how your day was and discussing the things in your life with the Creator. I've loved learning to stop praying FOR things (whether that means merely "thanking FOR" or "asking FOR") and rather praying ABOUT them instead. After all, our gratitude gains more meaning if we discuss WHY we are grateful for each blessing. And our petitions are improved when we first consult the Lord to see if we are even praying for the right thing in the first place! Just remember, when you pray, that He is listening and often willing to respond. Let Him. (That said, I have to add a brief reminder: God's voice, typically via the Spirit, coming in response strongly when you pray is a thing that waxes and wanes. Sometimes you'll feel it, other times you won't and that is NOT necessarily indicative of your worthiness! Don't condemn yourself just because He is sometimes silent. In fact, I've already written a whole post on that subject previously, called "<a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/forsaken-matthew-2746.html" target="_blank">Forsaken</a>.")<br />
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Anyway, the next verse of the hymn goes:<br />
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<i>When your heart was filled with anger, Did you think to pray?</i><br />
<i>Did you plead for grace, my brother, That you might forgive another Who had crossed your way?</i><br />
<i> </i><br />
Okay, I've sung this verse my entire life in countless sacrament services. <i></i>But never until today did the full depth of it register with me. This is a profound message that could actually bring about World Peace if everybody followed its advice. We all will be angered by the actions of others at one time or another. And when that anger comes, this song recognizes our need for GRACE. At first it seems that the grace is needed to forgive us of the anger. That's probably true; we SHOULD pray for/about that. But the grace is for so much more than that. Grace transforms us into better people. As the song here suggests, we plead for the grace so that we can be filled with a more forgiving spirit. I've had some important prayers lately like this: asking God to help me become better. I have to put forth my efforts to improve, of course, but the grace steps in and enables the changes and allows me to make changes I couldn't on my own. We're currently working together on targeting selfishness. Still a work in progress, but I've felt the grace in action today. (By the way, in my post a few days ago I promised a follow-up to my <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/grace-and-gasoline-2-nephi-2523.html" target="_blank">earlier post on Grace</a>. That is still in the works and coming soon.)<br />
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Here's a challenge for you: You will feel hurt or angry some day soon. Maybe someone is making gay jokes again. Or mocking your religious beliefs. Maybe they've done something dishonest. Maybe they dropped something heavy on your head--by accident or intention! I don't know why you are going to have bad feelings for another person, but you will. When that moment comes, PRAY. Remember that Christ taught in the sermon on the mount that you should "pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). This is great advice. I learned a while back that you can't sincerely pray for someone while hating them. To actually face your God and ask for good things for an individual basically grows love in your heart. You will immediately begin reconciling yourself with your enemies by praying for them sincerely, and for their happiness. But don't just pray for them; as the song recommends, pray for YOURSELF to become a better person through grace, for that will truly be even more key to resolving the dispute.<br />
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Okay, final verse:<br />
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<i>When sore trials came upon you, Did you think to pray?</i><br />
<i>When your soul was full of sorrow, Balm of Gilead did you borrow At the gates of day?</i><br />
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</i><br />
While the first verse mentioned praying at specific times, such as when we rise, these latter two aren't as time-bound. The best time to pray about a trial is when it hits. You don't need to wait until that evening! Isn't that great? God's status is always set to "available." As with anger, sore trials are also just a guaranteed part of life. And hopefully they drive us pray. Don't foolishly try to face trials without God's grace! Balm of Gilead was ancient medicine. It was an aromatic plant that helped heal wounds and grew abundantly in Gilead. It was probably one of the most important medical discoveries of ancient times, as it was able to not only speed healing, but also kept infection at bay. Our wounds, both physical and spiritual, can be dressed with healing salve that is abundant and available for us through prayer.<br />
<i> </i><br />
I'll end this post with the hymn's straightforward but profound chorus, which speaks for itself:<i> </i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Oh, how praying rests the weary! Prayer will change the night to day.</i><br />
<i>So, when life gets dark and dreary, Don't forget to pray.</i><br />
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</i><br />
My best,<br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-86859049664904141382012-01-23T00:29:00.000-08:002012-01-23T00:29:14.126-08:00Cogs in Zion (Moses 7:18)I've been pondering a lot lately on the 2 fundamental contradictory desires that we as human beings experience relative to our social lives: On the one hand, we strive to fit in; nobody likes to be alone and we yearn for companionship of others and finding common ground. On the other hand, we desire to be unique; nobody wants to think that they are just a cookie-cutter clone of everyone else. And so we face these two dueling desires: the desire to be different vs. the desire to fit in with everyone else. The gospel and the world both make this dichotomy reconcilable, though in vastly different ways.<br />
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Let's talk first about the world's approach. The world's predominate philosophies and views have shifted significantly throughout time, but today's prevailing preoccupation with the modern secular humanist view over-emphasizes the individuality desire. Huge stock is placed in "being yourself" and telling each individual that their own needs are most important, far outweighing that of the collective. In fact, the modern superhero portrayed in film and art is viewed in a much more tragic light than yesteryear, given their unfortunate obligation to serve other. Take the popular song "Superman" by Five for Fighting as an example. In this song, Superman, who in the 1950's television show was very happy in fulfilling his role to society, now laments the tragedy it is that he has to focus so much on others instead of his own needs. He sings, "it's not easy to be me," despite the fact that he can fly, jump over buildings, stop bullets, see through walls, and shoot both heat and freezing rays from his eyes. And this song resonates with us because as a society we respect those who serve others, but don't envy them because we've been raised in a culture which emphasizes personal desire and advancement as the primary route to happiness. The idea that giving up our own desires to serve others is vastly foreign, and accompanied in films by a noble but tragic sense of respect for those poor individuals who have to sacrifice individuality in any measure.<br />
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By the world's standard in the 21st century, we fulfill the desire to "fit in" specifically by over-accentuating the individuality. Another friend of mine with SSA recently lamented to me that a gay activist he knows seems to adamantly insist that if a same-sex attracted individual isn't openly gay and living the "gay lifestyle," then that individual is actually committing a <i>moral mistake</i> and cannot be fully happy because he is "denying who he is." Thus, to be accepted by the mainstream philosophical bunch of our day, we have to over-indulge on the other desire. It is by trying to be absolutely unique that others can accept us, and if they think we aren't actually trying out hardest to be "ourselves" as they see us, they actually don't accept us! This seems to make sense to them as a reconciliation of the two desires.<br />
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Now let me present an alternative to the common views of the world today. Obviously not everyone ascribes to the secular humanist path, and that became evident to me through another contemporary song, "Helplessness Blues" by Fleet Foxes. The first verse of this profound song instantly throws the fundamental pillars of secular humanism to the wind. It goes:<br />
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<i>I was raised up believing I was somehow unique,</i><br />
<i>A snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see.</i><br />
<i>And now, after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be</i><br />
<i>A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Pretty profound stuff, eh? The first two lines paint the secular view we are so surrounded by: an abundant emphasis on our differences that make us unique like snowflakes. But the author then ponders and rejects this philosophy by saying that instead of a snowflake, he'd rather be a cog. That is an incredibly bold statement, because the very word "cog" in this secular world has developed a bit of a negative connotation. That people who allow themselves to be "cogs" are those who give in to the pressures of an over-bearing society and adopt authoritarian fascism. Nobody wants to be merely a cog when you can be a snowflake! And yet, which of the two is more lasting? The snowflake will be gone when the sun comes out. The cog will endure. The cog puts others first and learns that he is part of something greater than himself. And yet being a cog doesn't mean we have to sacrifice our individuality either! Indeed, each cog is separate and necessary for the machine to function properly: it is the very fact that each cog is different and fulfills a different space in the machine that allows it to operate.<br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
The world will tell you to "be yourself;" I would say "be <i>true</i> to yourself" and God encourages you to become a <i>better </i>self. The world will tell you "you are fine just the way you are." That one's tricky, because in some ways it is true. But it also implies that you should STAY just they way you are, when we can all strive for improvement. God wants us ultimately to be better than the way we are, and offers the help we need to achieve that goal. The world tells us that if we sacrifice some desires to conform with the Church, we are actually in the wrong. "Conform" is word that has unfortunately gotten an even worse rap than "cog" even though it isn't always bad--it can actually represent a very noble choice. When we recognize something better for not only ourselves in the long-run, but especially for the sake of others both present and future, and sacrifice our own will to conform to that ideal, we are doing something remarkably good. And this means we will sometimes have to fight against the individuality desire that the world tells us to let loose without bounds. Some conformity may be required of us, but we should welcome it. And why not? After all, God cares about saving His people all together, not just as isolated individuals. That's why the Church exists. He wants the collective individual cogs to come together, and when they do, they form what He calls Zion. As we read in Moses 7:18,<br />
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<i>"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them."</i><br />
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That, my friends, is an ideal worth a little conformity. And remember, being a cog doesn't mean sacrificing individuality. Indeed, the Lord relies upon the fact that we will each have different strengths to offer as individuals in order for the machine to run properly. That we may all strive to be worthwhile cogs in the great machinery of Zion, and not merely fleeting snowflakes that will melt away tomorrow is my prayer.<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i>My best,<br />
<br />
Obadiah<br />
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P.S. Church today was amazing. I spoke in Church, actually, and largely adapted my earlier (and so-far favorite) post <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/grace-and-gasoline-2-nephi-2523.html" target="_blank">"Grace and Gasoline"</a> into a talk. I felt really guided in how I delivered it and then afterwards had a fantastic conversation with my bishop about Grace. Our discussion gave me lots to chew on and I imagine I might write a follow-up/sequel post to that earlier post on grace not too long from now. :)Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-24151601016357557112012-01-16T02:54:00.000-08:002012-01-16T09:45:48.816-08:00I Have a Dream (Romans 1:16)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9jN4NE44TFA/TxQCT7IjgeI/AAAAAAAAACI/nhgKeWS0ZvE/s1600/MLKj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9jN4NE44TFA/TxQCT7IjgeI/AAAAAAAAACI/nhgKeWS0ZvE/s1600/MLKj.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.<br />
(January 15, 1929-April 4, 1968)</div><br />
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49 years ago this year Martin Luther King, Jr. told the world about the dream he had, that his "four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Today we honor the memory of a man who had incredible insight and helped bring about miracles of equality for his race. I cannot think of a better way to honor him than to take a little time to fight for many of the same principles that he espoused: namely, the idea of love for those who are different, especially as one who has faced a bit of persecution for being who he is.<br />
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I've mentioned before the great irony of being a faithful latter-day saint experiencing same-sex attraction: you tend to feel persecution sometimes on two fronts. Indeed, there are reasons why this blog is anonymous, and the foremost reason is because I know there are individuals in my life who simply wouldn't speak to me anymore if they knew. I'm dead serious. It is sad that even within the Church there are still those who cannot accept us as regular human beings. Paranoia still rules many thoughts. Some misconceptions I've heard honestly perpetuated among some Church members within the last month (I'm not making these up!):<br />
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*Those who have thought homosexual thoughts ever in their lives cannot receive the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. <br />
*Same-sex attraction comes about purely as the result of sin, or not living as fully righteously as you could have. It means the person has neglected their soul enough to let it be warped into such an unnatural state.<br />
*Same-sex attraction is merely a choice, and those who have made that choice need to repent and stop trying to be different for the sake of attention. <br />
*Those who are same-gender attracted cannot take the sacrament. (Some even think they shouldn't be allowed to come to Church, lest they corrupt the youth).<br />
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I have a dream that one day I could be open about my SSA and be judged not by who I find attractive, but by the content of my character. The statements above bring me to a topic I have come to feel very strongly about as I've gotten to know others who experience what I do. That topic is Shame. When people say statements like those above, it perpetuates depression and shame among those who are SSA. These misconceptions succeed in making the individual feel that they are condemned and responsible for inclinations beyond their choosing. This negates agency and seems to predestine the individual. Sounds a lot like Satan's plan to me...<br />
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That said, I must add that on the whole I am actually very optimistic about where the majority of Church members are on this issue. I think most do not hold the views expressed above and are extremely loving not only of those like me who stay in the Church while experiencing same-sex attraction, but also of those who choose to leave and pursue a homosexual partner. This is wonderful, because Christ simply commanded us to love everyone. I can state that I believe homosexual acts to be a sin we must avoid, and thus choose to avoid it myself, without hating those who make a different choice. But I hope that others respect my choice as well. And here I confront the other major front of the battle: the false rhetoric and hate speech of those in the LGBT community who condemn me for choosing to live an active latter-day saint lifestyle, and I fear there is much less progress on this front. <br />
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Many have called the gay rights movement the "new civil rights" movement of our day. There are many things I both agree and disagree with in that comparison, but even some within the gay community don't want full equality granted to everyone. To some of them, I am considered a traitor who undermines everything they are or believe in. That has never been my intent. I have tried never to take an anti-homosexual stance on this blog; rather, I have merely tried to affirm my own approach to the issue and declare that my set of values and choices in light of my attractions are just as valid and meaningful as those of anyone else. I don't wish to offend, but I also don't wish to be misunderstood, and I certainly won't stand being marginalized. <i>"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth;" </i>(Romans 1:16). If I won't let members of the Church cause me to feel shame for my attractions, then I am most certainly not about to let anybody make me feel shame for the gospel.<br />
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I think what people don't realize is that I stay in the Church not because of cultural pressure, but because I know that it is true. I didn't always. But I have been blessed with a deep and abiding testimony of the truth with many strong spiritual witnesses of its validity. I find great happiness in it, and a deep sense of identity. I speak with God in prayer every morning and night, and He comforts me. I wouldn't trade that joy for anything. But there are those who say I must, or else I'm worthy of the discrimination that they themselves fight so hard against. I've been accused of not being a real person, of not being truly gay/SSA, and many other claims just as erroneous, if not more so, than those listed above coming from the other direction. On this front I'm told that I'm just a brainwashed drone without the courage to stand up for the sexual experiences that would supposedly make me happier. Above all, it seems that many tend to resent me for saying that staying righteous is possible. They have to disagree because it didn't work for them, so they have to tell themselves it cannot work for anyone. So they focus huge amounts of energy, and often large sums of money on attacking the Church, and especially gay Mormons who choose to stick with the Church. And the biggest lie they perpetuate is that they've "never seen it work before;" that eventually we all fall down. (SO FALSE! I know online literally hundreds of the faithful who've stuck with it and many are now older and even retired, and very happy.) And so on this front I am judged to be a coward and/or a liar. Well, I have a dream that one day I can be judged not for my religious beliefs and convictions, but for the content of my character.<br />
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If I have spoken boldly to two audiences, it's because I feel very strongly about my subject. But I repeat that I bear no ill will for either party I've addressed. I also fully recognize that just as not all Church members espouse the silly claims I listed, neither do all gays and lesbians hold deep prejudices against me. But even to those who do, I offer love. <br />
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Let's return to the civil rights comparison. I served my mission in a place where racism was still all too common. I became a very passionate advocate for racial equality and an adversary to the dragon of racism on my mission. When I got home, I watched a movie I had missed while I was out called <i>Hairspray</i>. Many of you have probably seen it. I knew before it began that it was a chipper musical starring John Travolta as a large woman, but I had no idea that the major theme of the film was racism. I've mentioned in previous posts how embarrassed I am about the fact that I cry easily in movies. Well, <i>Hairspray</i> really took the cake. Keep in mind I had been home for maybe 2 weeks when I watched it, and so I was in that emotionally unstable RM stage to begin with. So when the film ended up being about an issue that had grown to be so important to me on my mission...well, let's just say... I bawled. Like a baby. I still love that movie, and it still makes me cry. And yes, I feel silly crying during <i>Hairspray</i>. Anyway, in the middle, there is a song sung by Queen Latifah called "I Know Where I've Been." Some of the lyrics describe well the struggle of the cause I'm speaking about. Here's an excerpt:<br />
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There's a cry <br />
In the distance <br />
It's a voice <br />
That comes from deep within <br />
There's a cry <br />
Asking why <br />
I pray the answer's up ahead <br />
Yeah, 'Cause I know where I've been <br />
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There's a road <br />
We've been travelin' <br />
Lost so many on the way <br />
But the riches <br />
Will be plenty <br />
Worth the price <br />
The price we had to pay <br />
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There's a dream <br />
In the future <br />
There's a struggle <br />
That we have yet to win <br />
And there's pride <br />
In my heart <br />
'Cause I know <br />
Where I'm going <br />
Yes I do!<br />
And I know where I've been<br />
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I don't care if some tell me I chose my attractions and need to repent to gain salvation. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me I'm a liar. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me I'm not really happy. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me that I'm not a real person. I certainly know otherwise! I know where I've been. And, as the song says, there is a long road and many have been lost along the way. But there is a dream of winning the struggle. "And there's pride in my heart, 'Cause I know where I'm going." I have no shame of the gospel, nor of being attracted to men. That said, there is one more topic I've got to address: my anonymity.<br />
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Some of you who have asked me how I can honestly proclaim a message that there is no need for shame in SSA when I write an anonymous blog, hiding behind my pseudonym. That question does not offend me, because it is actually a very valid concern. Honestly, there are some fantastic strong members of the Church out there who are very public and have even written wonderful books. (If you don't know who Ty Mansfield is, search him RIGHT NOW). There is a strong need for public faces to our special cross-section demographic of the LGBT community with the faithful LDS community. A part of me would love to be one of those faces. I think it would genuinely surprise a lot of people, but also give a lot of hope to see that a very normal, but also very lucky and successful guy like me experiences same-sex attraction. I think it could turn heads and do a lot of good to help heal some of those lingering fallacious public perceptions of this problem.<br />
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But I can't. It isn't a matter of shame. It is primarily because there are people very close and very important to me who unfortunately perhaps ascribe to some of those misconceptions and aren't ready yet. I don't hold that against them. I love them dearly and trust that in time they will be able to alter their views. Above all, there can be lots of complications and prejudice faced when people "come out" so to speak. I've not told anyone yet who I didn't feel spiritually prompted to. I've talked a lot with the Lord on this subject and trust that if/when He ever wants/needs me to be more public that He'll let me know. Maybe that won't ever be. I don't know. I'll trust Him. But for now I hope that you can understand that there are many complicated reasons why I simply cannot forfeit my anonymity right now, and the Lord has told me that's the right course for me. I would also caution AGAINST coming out public if the reason is merely to create drama or draw attention (we all feel that way sometimes! don't give in!). Be sure to be prayerful, and you can be sure that the Lord will let you know the correct course for you. Keeping a family relation in tact may be more important in your life right now than being able to help change public perceptions of SSA.<br />
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I have a dream that one day we will conquer the prejudices from all sides that make this subject so unfortunately taboo that it requires anonymity in the first place. I would remind you what I've said in another <a href="http://gaymormoninsights.blogspot.com/2011/12/love-thy-neighbor-matthew-2235-39.html" target="_blank">post</a>: that we won't win the battle against hate/ignorance with hate and ignorance! THE ANSWER IS LOVE! As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."<br />
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My best,<br />
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ObadiahObadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46512328945339167.post-84930127639435955352012-01-08T20:53:00.000-08:002012-01-08T20:53:52.923-08:00Cheer up! It's a TRIAL, not a bad thing! (1 Peter 1:6-7)I have had some fantastic interactions online regarding my SSA with other faithful saints as we try to help each other out and remain strong. There are fantastic blogs out there, and wonderful support groups like NorthStar. I highly applaud the efforts of my fellow soldiers on this battlefield.<br />
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That said, I have one major piece of advice to the online LDS SSA community: cheer up! A lot of the discussion is so forlorn, over-dramatic, etc. Now, I've done some of that here on this blog, for sure. And it does certainly have its place. The fact is, we are a community of generally dramatic personalities trying to figure out confusing and seemingly counter-intuitive emotions. There will be some tears and confusion. We also tend to be a bunch who are more prone to depression than the general population. But that last point may be all the reason more why I think we all need to resolve to be a little more upbeat in what we post and say.<br />
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About a month ago I put up a <a href="http://bit.ly/z4QZ2q" target="_blank">post</a> exploring the first chapter of James verse by verse. Among the insights I found in that chapter, I found James' positive approach to trials refreshing and encouraging. Another general epistle from the New Testament reaffirms the same message. In 1 Peter 1:6-7 we read:<br />
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<i>6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:</i><br />
<i>7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.</i><br />
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We hear the word "trial" about ten times in Church each week. Trials carry this connotation of exceeding depression. How many times have you heard someone say, "I've been facing some really hard trials lately." I'm not trying to belittle or demean those experiences. Human suffering--physical, emotional, spiritual--is very real. But the modern depressed approach to trials is a stark contrast with that of the ancient saints like James and Peter. They seemed to look at trials like the best thing in the world! Peter is practically ecstatic to tell us that his trials are SO MUCH COOLER than gold while likening them unto gold in the process. He doesn't deny the "heaviness" our diverse temptations can bring with them, but tells us to "greatly rejoice" anyway.<br />
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For this reason I've tried to be careful on my blog not to ever say "I struggle with same-sex attraction." Because, frankly, it hasn't beat me. My testimony is thriving, not struggling! Now, there are those of you out there who can very legitimately say that you struggle with this. When you fall into temptation and get trapped in addictive patterns, at that point struggle becomes a very accurate word. But you know what, if you are reading this right now, you probably want to turn things around. And if that is truly your desire and you are willing to do what it takes to turn things around, I believe you'll get out of it! And once you're out of it, I invite you to join me with those who thrive rather than struggle.(Ha! I paused after writing this paragraph to watch tonight's CES devotional with Elder Jay E. Jensen of the Presidency of the 70, and he totally affirmed everything I just said! They haven't put the text online yet, but he told the story of a young man who made mistakes with his girlfriend, but repented and learned that "the Spirit replaces the anguish of sin with optimism.")<br />
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What is a trial anyway? It seems to me that a trial is any experience that can either build or destroy our faith. God lets us have them for the purpose that they will build our faith, but we can allow them to destroy it if we approach it the wrong way. There are lots of trials that we obviously classify as trials: death of a loved one, loss of a job, natural disasters, etc. But there are other trials perhaps less obvious. For example, what about the trial of wealth? Some people can use wealth to bless the world and in the process learn what it is to be Christlike, and thus build their faith. Others become so obsessed with the world, still trying to get their camels through the eye of the needle, as Christ put it. Yet, how many of you would ever say, "Oh, that unfortunate guy struggles with a real wealth problem." That's just silly! So what does this teach us? That we don't always have to assign a negative connotation to our trials! I experience same gender attraction, but I don't struggle with it, or suffer from it. It simply is. I don't act on it, and yet I'm not "denying who I am" either. To act against the privilege I have of knowing I'm a child of God--that would truly be denying who I am.<br />
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So, in a spirit of being positive and uplifting, I finish this post with a list of 10 great things about being a "gay Mormon." Some of these are serious, some are rather tongue-in-cheek for your entertainment pleasure. Enjoy. And I hope this goes without saying, but don't take this post too seriously. Take it with rejoicing. ;)<br />
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1. I'm a great dresser (most days).<br />
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2. I've been taught amazing empathy and sympathy for others like me, and those who have other unique trials I may not understand.<br />
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3. I've gotten to meet some AMAZING people who have lifted me up and made me better in this online community.<br />
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4. I'm able to have really fun dates with girls, without too much of the awkwardness I've seen sabotage guys who have the burden of attraction for the girls they're asking out on their mind.<br />
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5. I can give my homies legit advice before a date on how they look (unfortunately, the vast majority don't know about this resource).<br />
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6. I have this anonymous blog. Which kinda makes me feel like Batman. :)<br />
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7. I get to silently chuckle inside when my oblivious roommates say silly homophobic things. <br />
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8. I have better taste in cologne than you do. Really.<br />
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9. I am continually humbled and made to rely on the Lord, which has greatly improved my relationship with Him.<br />
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10. I never have to deny who I am.<br />
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So, that's my optimistic post for the day. :) I'm sure you'll still see me put up some of those confused and somber ones, but I hope I never forget to occasionally add something more light-hearted in.Obadiahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02135334616357252056noreply@blogger.com3