Inner Peace (John 14:27)

So, for a variety of unimportant reasons, I am not leaving Provo to go "home" (meaning where my family lives--not necessarily where I grew up) for the holidays until Friday evening. Meanwhile, nearly everyone in my ward is gone and most of my other friends, so yesterday I was alone almost all day just doing work from my computer. Being inside my apartment and not connecting with anybody can really drive a person mad--and some thoughts in relation to SSA were weighing especially heavy on me and I was kind of an emotional basket case for no reason whatsoever. I've mainly been filled with lots of doubts and skepticism regarding my friendships lately, and so having all your friends leave for the holidays while you are still stuck there doesn't leave one in the best mental state. In this shaky emotional state, I then had an even more emotionally confusing evening, but for you to understand, I will unfortunately have to dig into a painful recent chapter of my life:

This last summer I met a girl who, miracle of miracles, I was attracted to in the physical attraction dimension (for more on dimensions of attraction, see my post from a few days ago on true love). For a little while this last semester we dated. Don't ask me for details about what happened. Suffice it to say that it didn't work out and my heart broke more than it ever had with any of my other short-lived, failed, attempted relationships. Are you a fan of William Yeats? So am I. :P One of my favorite poems he wrote is "The Second Coming," mainly for 2 lines that tend to describe either my life's events or my psychological state at least once every other week. I have them by heart and recite them to myself often. They say:

"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."

Well, when my short-lived relationship came apart at the seams, that's exactly what happened not only literally to the relationship, but quite personally to me emotionally. She was the first person since a girl in high school that I felt true physical attraction for and I felt like I had squandered the miracle of finding her when things didn't work out. Up to that point in my life, I had very directly refused to acknowledge my SSA in my own mind (ironic since such a direct refusal of recognition is in itself a form of acknowledgment). I kept telling myself that if I told myself I didn't like men long enough, then one day I'd wake up and it would come true! Back in May, before I met her, I had gone into a depressing funk wherein I first began to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men (a fact that the back of my mind had been keenly aware since 8th grade with some early remnants perhaps as early as age 4). That's when things first started to fall apart emotionally for me (In May, not at age 4!). I started getting on the internet A LOT and reading things that were the opposite of what I needed. Thankfully I didn't get tangled in porn, but got dangerously close to it many times and did get into a phase of reading gay romance stories, often having to skim through the parts that got erotic. (Wow, I can't believe that I just put that out there. That's actually a huge relief to admit!)

When I met her, it was like a clear answer to prayer. It seemed like I had finally woken up from the nightmare and those years of telling myself I was actually attracted to girls had paid off! When the "center could not hold" and "things fell apart," all of the turmoil returned. I tried desparately to be attracted to just about any and every other girl I saw, but I was actually just finding more and more men than ever that thrilled, excited, and even aroused me. That's when I decided to hunker down and begin my journey of discovering who I was--a story that has been unfolding on this blog. And through it all I've had an emotional roller-coaster. I have never felt so much fear, but neither have I ever felt so much inner peace and confidence! My past posts so far, of course, tell the story of my increase in understanding and being honest with myself and how that honesty has set me free and allowed me to approach my SSA in a healthy and uplifting way. God stepped in to help me with that. If I had returned to and continued approaching this subject the way I was going about it back in May and June before I met her, I can guarantee that today my testimony would be significantly impaired, if still intact at all. I'm almost certain I'd have eventually yielded to pornography and masturbation, and may have already even had some gay hookups. I'm very serious when I say that God intervened with a series of miracles this last semester to help point me in a direction of healthy, spiritual self-discovery so that I could understand this side of myself on spiritually safe ground.

So, with that lengthy preface I return to yesterday. I was, as I said, once again in a state of emotional turmoil, as still happens from time to time for various reasons. Things got even more complicated when a girl from my ward who is also still stuck in Provo asked me if I wanted to go caroling and watch a movie with her. This girl is the one in the ward that every guy wants--super fun, super social, spiritual giant RM, and to most men very attractive. She has quite curiously not been in a relationship this semester, and I think most people have wondered why, especially since nearly every guy in the ward has asked her out. I was telling a friend of mine in the ward the other day that she could probably have her pick of any guy in the ward, and he seemed to agree with me. Those words kind of came back to bite me last night when, while watching "Kung Fu Panda 2" she kept getting closer and at one point started to put her hand on mine. I began to realize that she might have just made up her mind about which guy she wanted to pick, and what if it's me!!!

In many ways I have longed for a steady and happy relationship with SOMEONE for a long time, so the thought of being in a relationship with her is very appealing. At the same time, I just wrote on Saturday on this very blog how I could never marry someone unless I was attracted to her. I also feel like I'd never want to date someone I knew I could never marry because you are otherwise just postponing a painful breakup that will only be worse the longer you put it off. So my mind has been playing a game of trying to convince itself that I'm attracted to her--after all, she actually looks a lot like the girl I recently dated and in non-physical dimensions of attraction, I AM attracted to her. But all of that psychological guessing game garbage will have to be postponed for a later post (mainly because I'm still chewing on it).

It didn't help that the movie was Kung Fu Panda 2. I know that sounds weird, but I hadn't seen it before and therefore had no idea how relevant its themes would be to my life and dilemmas. I'm only slightly embarassed to admit that I cry easily in movies and then feel really stupid when I cry during something as utterly silly as Kung Fu Panda 2. Luckily I'm 90% sure the girl didn't see my tears. Anyway, (spoiler alert) in the movie the protagonist Po becomes hindered in his abilities until he goes on a painful journey of self-discovery to find out new truths about himself that he's been repressing his entire life. By exploring painful truths about himself and his past, he is able to find "inner peace" and master those feelings, using them to IMPROVE his abilities and the person he is. Sound familiar? Yeah--it was like the last emotional 8 months of my life being relived in a CGI Dreamworks film at the end of an emotionally taxing day amidst an emotionally confusing setting of receiving affection from a girl any man would die for but whom I fail to feel physical attraction for!

Needless to say I got home in even more emotional stress. And then God did something wonderful. He made good on the promise Christ gave to his disciples in John 14:27, and which He offers to all His faithful disciples throughout time:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Like Po in Kung Fu Panda 2, I was blessed to once again find the inner peace that God has helped make my companion over the past month of discovering myself since the break-up. God took the trouble and fear from my heart (hearkening back again to the first scripture of this blog from 2 Timothy 1:7-8). He replaced it with peace and patience. To a degree He filled it with understanding, but honestly not much. But He did offer the patiece to believe that understanding is forthcoming. I still have lots of questions. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this other girl (keep reading in the future and you'll probably find out). I am still concerned about pursuing healthy male friendships and some of the complications related thereto. Nonetheless, God has given me peace and I know somehow that things will be all right.

What I love about the verse above from John is the reminder that the ways God gives us peace are not the same as the world's techniques. I get several emails a week from disgruntled readers telling me that I would be happier if I just left the Church and moved in with other gay men and lived that life. And yet, back in May and June when my testimony was more on the brink than it's ever been, I was filled with depression and confusion. The more of the world I let in, the less peace I felt. By contrast, despite days like yesterday the last month of my life has been one of the most sublimely peaceful in many ways. I have truly loved it. Last night I didn't gain inner peace by turning to gay porn or masturbation or by cursing God, as the world would tell me to do to gain peace. Instead, I prayed. Honestly, it didn't immediately give me too much peace. Then, however, I checked my email and read some uplifting messages from some of my new online support-group friends from North Star (if you don't know what that is, click on that link and find out today!!!) who said a few things that I'm sure the Spirit prompted them to that calmed my troubled heart. We're very confidential with what we discuss in the group, so I can't share any specifics here, but I can say that I suddenly felt the voice of the Spirit again, reminding me that God gives us peace in His own way and time. Sometimes it is through others who are spiritually atuned. One email was a very simple message directly to me extended from another member of North Star but not through the discussion forum channels. We have conversed electronically a bit in the past few days and just seeing his friendly note helped me immensely when I needed it last night. (Thanks again--you know who you are!)

Today I am happy. I have lots of peace--I must, because I couldn't have written this rather personal and difficult post without it! Don't let the world sell you counterfeit peace. God's original product beats all the flawed reproductions, and He is willing to offer it gladly to you--but He will give it in His own way and time, not in the way the world or even you may expect or demand Him to.

Thanks again to my friends in North Star. God leading me to you was one of His greatest miracles in this journey yet.

My best,

Obadiah

P.S. If you are having a particularly depressing day and need a more humorous pick-me-up, go to a computer with a web-cam, turn up the volume, and visit the site below, courtesy of the Old Spice Guy, who I hope even straight guys have a crush on. ;)

http://www.youareawonderfulpersonwithmanyuniquegiftsandtalents.info/

True Love (D&C 42:22)

This is a topic I've needed to address, and haven't been sure how. Thankfully, I've been given a fantastic prod by a reader who posed a question in the comments to my last post. Here's part of her comment that I feel brings up really important points I need to address:

"I am not Mormon; I am not gay; I am not male. (I am a 45-year old, straight, heterosexual woman). However, I stumbled upon your blog. I respect people's beliefs. I would like to pose a question to you, and it is based on the experience a friend of mine recently had: when you find the woman you decide to marry, how will you justify living a lie with her (to yourself, to God)? Or, even if you find someone and choose to be honest with, how can you tell her she will never be your true love?"

I am so grateful to this reader for bringing up these issues and in a way forcing me to address them. (By the way, I just have to add the following about the author of this comment: If you read her full comment on my last post you'll further appreciate her respect for other people and other faiths. You can't know how much it touches me to see others compassionate towards my FAITH. Most people not of the Church have a very hard time appreciating or understanding my choice to stick with my faith despite my attractions to men. From this wonderful woman I felt respect for my decisions and I thank her deeply for that.) So, on to the questions raised...

I think the first thing that stands out to me is the last two words: "true love." I don't believe in the concept of a soul-mate, or of a single individual being the only one we can truly be happy with. I love Disney movies that portray a beautiful princess and handsome prince who seem destined for each other and none other, but I don't believe that's how it works in real life. Honestly, this world is filled with 7 Billion fantastic people, and though I know I'm not compatible with all 7 Billion of them, there are certainly many individuals--male and female--who I could connect with emotionally, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and physically and be incredibly happy with in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. My attraction patterns make the demographics of that potential good-match pool predominantly male, but I am certain it is not exclusively so.

I'm sure that a huge portion of my likely audience is familiar with the studies of American Scientist Alfred Kinsey in the 1940's into human sexuality. He is most famous for his studies of homosexuality, and was truly the first pioneer scientist to research the topic in great depth. He is extremely controversial and I don't necessarily agree with everything he said, or with all his methodologies, but I actually think his fundamental thesis on sexual attraction was spot-on and resonates as truth to me. For those of you unfamiliar with his studies, Kinsey developed a scale of homosexual attraction from 0 to 6. A 0 means you are 100% straight--absolutely attracted exclusively to the opposite gender and have never in your life felt an incling of attraction for the same gender. A 6 denotes the opposite end of the spectrum--absolute attraction exclusively to the same gender without any inclings of attraction for the opposite. A 3 can denote either perfectly balanced bisexuality or even asexuality--either way, your levels and frequency of attraction for either gender are equal in strength. What Kinsey ultimately concluded after decades of study is that deep, deep down in our sub-subconscious or whatever, we are all basically bisexual, but a series of factors, whether biological or environmental (the nature vs. nurture discussion) cause most of us to lean to one side or the other. Yet, he believe that a true 0 or 6 was actually very, very hard to find--if it even existed at all. Sure, there are lots of 1's and 5's, and even 0.1's and 5.9's but the enormous majority of those he tested, at least once in their lives, would find some sort of "exception case" to their typical patterns of attraction, because we are deep down all bisexual and the hormones or neural firings related to attraction could potentially be caused in certain cases to fire off unusually for the something out of the norm to our typical patterns. If you are a heterosexual reading this, though you'll probably never say it out loud I'll bet that if you think about it you may think of an instance in your life (often during teenage years) that you felt even kind of attracted to at least one individual of your same gender. This may have even made you very uncomfortable or confused, and you may have fought very hard to repress it, but you're actually quite normal and it doesn't even mean you necessarily have any SSA proclivities at all. It just means you might be a 0.1 instead of a 0.

Anyway, what did that long scientific tangent have to do with the topic at hand? Well, let me return to my thoughts on compatible matches for a happy relationship. Like I said, the majority of people in my pool of possibilities are men. I mentioned that compatability is centered on a variety of dimensions (I'd love to explore that concept more in-depth in a future post). I think Kinsey's studies primarily apply to that physical dimension, and secondarily to the emotional dimension, though certainly with some ties to the others as well. Looking at my life, thinking about my own attraction patterns, I think I'm about a Kinsey 5.8 if we limit the definition primarily to just the physical and emotional dimensions of attraction. I would be absolutely lying to say I've never felt and physical/emotional attraction to a girl, but I'd also be lying if I said that those happen frequently or with the same strength of attraction I feel for men. There are really 3 girls in my life I've felt more than a weak and fleeting attraction for--one in junior high, one in high school, and one actually quite recently in college (once again--lots here for future posts). The fact is, there ARE girls in my pool of potential candidates, but they are outnumbered by 100:1, or maybe even 10000:1 by men.

So far I've not done the best job of answering my anonymous reader's questions. Forgive me, but I felt like all of that was necessary preface material to understanding my response, because they give you insight into my mentality and the lenses through which I view the world (we all wear lenses, by the way). So, there are really two questions posed. Let me take each one idividually:

1. When you find the woman you decide to marry, how will you justify living a lie with her (to yourself, to God)?

I will not, cannot live a lie--to myself, to God, perhaps especially to my future wife. I've done the whole living a lie to myself thing, and have learned (as I've commented in earlier posts) that the truth truly sets us free. I don't have to tell everyone about my feelings and attractions, though I'm done lying about it too. I could NEVER get married without letting her know about being attracted primarily to men. Indeed, much of this blog is perhaps intended for her sake, whoever she is, to be able to read more about who I am. [I just had the most beautiful, forward-pointing deja-vu-like experience imagining my one-day fiancé reading this post. Dear fiancé: I love you, whoever you are!] I also adamantly believe that nobody with SSA should ever marry someone of the opposite gender WITHOUT telling them beforehand. She has a right to know before she agrees to marry you many key fundamental dimensions of your personality, including (but definitely not limited to) your attraction patterns! If she doesn't find out until after the wedding, you are setting up a recipe for feelings of betrayal and deception on her part. If you truly love her, you would never want to do that to her. (As a humorous side note, it seems like having her know could be a lot of fun, because then you could discuss together which actors are hot and which aren't--just kidding... kind of.) In short, I COULDN'T justify living a lie, as your question asks, and hope that nobody ever does. Truth sets us free and honesty will always be the best policy.

 2. Even if you find someone and choose to be honest with [her], how can you tell her she will never be your true love?"

This is where we have to return to what I posed earlier about true love--that it isn't a fairy tale thing between 2 exclusively destined individuals. When we see true love that way, we tend to think of it as a noun phrase--i.e., he or she is my true love. I rather like to think of it as a verb--i.e. I truly love him or her. While romantic love has relation to delicate matters of attraction beyond our control, ultimately the love itself is a verb--something we DO and CHOOSE--not merely a noun describing something that happens to us. To render true love means to offer absolute commitment for an individual. There are many forms of love and not all are romantically founded, and so that definition applies to the relationship we should try to cultivate with all people, but adding a romantic dimension merely magnifies the principle. To truly love, we give ourselves completely to someone else and make their interests the key driving force of our own. We strive to strengthen our ties of attraction in ALL its dimensions. For me, I meet plenty of girls who I connect with intellectually and spiritually. I even connect from time to time on the emotional level, and on rare occasions even the physical dimension. To truly love a girl romantically, I need all of those dimensions to line up. It is okay if some dimensions are a stronger attraction than others (spiritual tends to matter most to me), but I won't marry a girl I have absolutely no physical attraction for. That means I may have to be patient, because I don't meet girls like that very often. However, it has happened, even if relationships didn't work out. I am filled with hope that I'll find one of those girls and both of us will not just "fall" in love (experience those initial pulls of attraction), but rather CHOOSE true, lasting love for each other.

So, my anonymous friend, I hope that makes sense. Your questions were very important. I have seen far too many stories of marriages painfully breaking up because the one experiencing SSA did not consider those factors in advance. I don't want to break any hearts. That may mean patience, but I'm willing to wait. I know that you said you were not a Mormon, but I'd like to introduce you to a scripture from the LDS canon which summarizes my thoughts on the true love of a spouse ever so beautifully. From 42:22 of the Doctrine and Covenants (a collection of inspired writings from modern prophets) we read the following beautiful passage:

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."

I may be predominantly attracted to men my whole life, but there are girls out there compatible with me, and when I find one, I will give her all my heart, and cleave unto her and none else. Men who are predominantly attracted to other women are able to control and ignore their attractions to other girls to fulfill this command and experience its blessings, so why can't I? I won't lie to her, and I will wait until I find a girl I'm attracted to who loves me also, but when it happens, I am ready to offer her true love.

My best,

Obadiah


P.S. Sorry for the funky formatting issues going on with this post. Blogger won't do what I tell it to. Curse you, blogger! :(

The Truth shall make you free, PART TWO

Last night's post was perhaps more pessimistic, negative, and inconclusive than I would have liked. Luckily, a day's worth of pondering mingled with welcome distractions of various forms have helped my mind sort some things out.

The scripture I cited last night from John 8 said:

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

It dawned on me today--and bear with me on this--that the passage DOESN'T say that the telling of the truth makes you free. It is the truth itself that frees you. I'm NOT saying that to suggest that the command to not bear false witness (the ninth commandment) doesn't apply. Indeed, it is important for us to be honest, truth-telling people. However, there is no commandment that says we need to speak every truth we know out loud--and good thing too or we'd all be talking continuously! So, not telling people that I'm attracted to men is not in and of itself dishonest. I have no obligation to inform every person of every truth. Of course, there are certain truths we are commanded to declare, namely, the fundamentals of the gospel and our testimonies. As for truths like the fact that I like men (which is only a temporal and not eternal truth anyway), the only person who really needs to hear and comprehend that truth is me, the person it applies to. I have done that and let me tell you--it has made me free! Despite the fact that the freedom I'm now beginning to experience was scripturally promised, I nonetheless have found myself completely surprised to see that blessing come to pass. In the past couple months that I've started to be honest with myself and especially the past week, my relationship with God has returned to mission-levels! I have had perhaps a greater burden of emotions, but those are clearing up and I'm feeling more confident and more in control because I simply know myself better.

What I've concluded: Acknowledging truths--even difficult ones--is a liberating experience! I am not obligated to share every truth I acknowledge. Some truths are personal and not to be shared (we treat patriarchal blessings that way, don't we?) while others should be shared daily (like our testimonies). I am excited to continue to work with God to understand this truth through prayer and scripture study.

Now, a note about dishonesty and my conclusions on that matter. While it is not required that we tell every truth, we shouldn't assume that it is okay to spread falsehoods (beside very rare "spiritual override" moments from God, such as when He commanded Abraham to lie about his wife). I have generally lied the most by saying I was attracted to women who I wasn't. I guess I was always so disturbed by the fact that I WASN'T attracted to girls that every other guy was that I went out of my way to say that I WAS so I'd seem normal. And I was generally lying to myself just as much, trying to convince myself that if I told myself a girl was attractive long enough, that she somehow magically would be. I plan on writing at greater length in the future about my relationship with girls in general and the clear distinction between recognition of beauty and attraction. I may even touch on the complication this has presented in the few relationships I've been in and some of the reasons they are so few in number and always dreadfully short. Anyway, I've concluded tonight that I need to not lie about being attracted to girls I'm not. Silence is acceptable. I don't have to say things that aren't true just to try to reassure others and more importantly myself that I'm "normal" (especially since, as it turns out, I'm not!)

And now, I bid you adieu and encourage you to find ways you aren't honest with yourself. We all deceive ourselves frequently in various ways, and the more we are able to root those falsehoods out, the more liberated we will be. We can't move forward if our understanding is incorrect. Learn truth. Explore it. Treasure it. It will set you free!

My best,

Obadiah