The Man Whom God Correcteth (Job 5:17)

I have not blogged here for a while, and it has certainly NOT been from lack of things to write. In fact, I have so much I wish I could write about that I think I'll have to write a number of posts over the Christmas break while I have more time than usual. Admittedly, it has been a lack of time that has been the major cause for my lack of writing. Let me just first begin with a quick list of some very major relevant updates in my life and the SSA world generally from the last 2.5 months:

• The Church launched a new official web-page specifically devoted to same-sex attraction issues. It is fantastic. Take a look if you haven't seen it already: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/
• (Gay) Mormon Guy, the blog which I've mentioned numerous times here and which had a profound impact on my, unveiled himself from anonymity in a beautiful post last month. His real name is David Peterson and here is the post: http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2012/11/david-im-the-author-of-gay-mormon-guy.html
• This blog reached its year-mark! It was Thanksgiving weekend of last year when I began this blog and a very interesting journey of self-discovery that I've reflected on a lot over the last few weeks especially.
• Last, but certainly not least (and this is hands down the #1 reason I haven't had as much time to blog)... since mid-October I've had a girlfriend. A few weeks ago we even talked about my SSA and it hasn't been an issue at all in the relationship. That subject of course will have to be an entire post of its own, which I promise to write at some point during the next week or two. But I feel like I need to get some other thoughts out in this post before I can write that one.

For now, I'd like to focus especially on the third bullet above: reflecting on the last year of my life and my journey confronting my SSA rather than ignoring it or pretending it isn't there. This blog records a good portion of my reflections upon that journey (with the obvious exception of some chronological holes when I didn't write as much--especially during the summer). I'm amazed at the evolution of my thoughts about myself and my relationship with my own SSA. I have to admit that while many of my early posts are extremely valid emotional outpourings that adequately described my state at the time, they do not all necessarily represent how I feel now. Some of them are very simple in areas that I now see with greater complexity, while others which I once saw quite complexly now seem so very simple.

One thing is sure: I am more stable and sure now than I was a year ago regarding my SSA. Some of that has been incredibly painful. For example, my post from October discusses some of my feelings from those summer months when I didn't blog for a while. It really doesn't tell the whole story in terms of the actual events which triggered those feelings, and I don't know if I'll ever record those here, but I learned incredible lessons from those things. I was made to confront some major weaknesses and make a couple sacrifices in order to grow. But guess what? The happiness I've attained in the recent months as I've been a better person makes that pain totally worth it. Below is a verse from our wise friend Job that adequately sums up these sentiments. From chapter 5, verse 17:

"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore, despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty."

The last few days I've been pondering a few additional weaknesses and have had my eyes opened to very clear ways the Lord is offering to help me to overcome them. I can already clearly see some pain and sacrifice that are required, but looking back in amazement at how far I've come over the last year, I feel already a sense of happiness to begin the process of working on them.

The great thing about being corrected is that by definition it makes us more correct, and why would we not want to be correct? The great thing about being corrected by the LORD, is that the alternative is to be corrected, or more likely mis-corrected by others or, perhaps most terrifyingly, ourselves! From experience, that tends to end in disaster.

May I end this post of reflection on the last year by giving a special thank you to a follower of this blog? Her name is Emily. She found my blog through one of my Obadiah tweets on Twitter back in early December of last year and to my knowledge was the first human other than myself to ever read it. She was certainly the first to ever respond or send feedback, which I desperately needed at the time. I had written a handful of posts at that point believing they were being sent into darkness, heard by nobody and it made me feel awfully lonely and insecure. She was the first other human to ever chat with me about my SSA and give me encouragement, even though I'd never met her in person (and still haven't). She regularly comments and send feedback on my posts and I don't think she's ever known how much of a help she was just by reaching out compassionately to a poor confused gay kid she came across on the internet. Likewise many more supporters have followed since then with emails, tweets, FB messages, blog comments, etc. of non-stop support and love. Thank you all so very much.

My best,

Obadiah

Learning to Decrease: the 2 Desires Revisited (John 3:30)

I recently re-read an old post from January which incidentally features probably my favorite title on the blog thus far: "Souvenirs from Hell and the Altar of Sacrifice (Matthew 5:29-30)." Honestly, reading some of these older posts, as well as older journal entries (lately I've been reading my mission journals again) really causes me to reflect on my growth as well as important lessons I've learned in the past that I sometimes need reminding of in the present! I was actually really taken aback by that post from the beginning of this year. It presents a lot of very complex thoughts and concepts that take several readings to really digest properly. It seemed like I was reading something written by someone else and I guess in a way I was--because we are not static things; we are dynamic, changing beings. I AM in fact a different person than I was in January. And it was fascinating to see the views and mind of this earlier Obadiah. One concept I/he wrote about that I now remember pondering a lot back then was the idea of the two dichotomous desires we struggle with throughout our lives: the desire to "fit in" and blend into our community and the desire to assert our individuality. And now I'm once again thinking a lot about it and hope to add a few new insights on the subject here.

It seems that throughout our lives we oscillate between trying to fill these two desires. We generally devote our time to focusing on whichever one is more lacking at any given time and I think it is generally rare for anyone to go their whole life fixated too predominantly on one or the other, though certainly exceptions exist. We also don't generally consciously think about acting to fill the one or the other. It happens very naturally and subconsciously. In my case, I'd say that I tend to go back and forth every few months between focusing on the one or the other, though I also think that multiple-year segments of my life have tended to skew towards one or the other. For example, in elementary school I desperately wanted to fit in and focused more of my attention on that desire. In college I've experienced basically the opposite: I've given more attention to wanting to assert my individuality. And yet there are clearly exceptions and oscillations within those periods. If I look just at 2012, for example, I'd say most of the year has been focused on my individuality while the last month and a half I've really addressed my "fitting in" needs a lot more closely.

What's really tricky about all of this is that neither desire deserves to be lauded or derided over the other. Both can actually be important and both can be dangerous. For example, regarding the desire to "fit in," feeding this desire can be good if it

New page for first timers!

This is a quick post by way of announcement. In a bout of insomnia I decided to add a new special page to my blog, as you can see on the tab above, for first-time visitors. It basically summarizes the intent of the blog and also lists my favorite posts, as well as the most popular posts.

I've been fortunate to have a lot of new readers as of late and have had some great online interactions as a result. :) Love you all!

My best,

Obadiah

How Can I Keep From Singing? (Psalms 100:1-5)

I haven't posted in a long time. Too long in fact. I now have heard rumors that I haven't posted because supposedly I "saw the light" and abandoned my "foolish Mormonism." Not so. If my Mormonism is my foolishness, I am more foolish than ever.

That said, the last 4 months have been an interesting emotional journey. I've learned a lot of critical lessons about managing my attractions and about the power and value of positive friendships in various forms. I cannot condense the last 4 months into a single post, so I won't even try. But I have been through one of the darkest periods of depression in my life to a current position of greater renewed faith than I have ever known. And I am happy. Very happy. I have seen the Hand of God very clearly in recent days and have now been blessed to have my eyes opened to see that Hand very evident throughout the events of this summer, even when I couldn't see it at the time.

Being humbled is hard. But worth it. That's what I learned this summer. I learned also above all to trust God above the opinions and half-truths of man. I'm always amazed at how gently and gracefully He can perform such intensive and delicate soul-surgery as He often does on us, eradicating the tumors of imperfection and personality flaw. I know I have many more such tumors to be worked out, but the schedule for the operations is always in His hands, not mine. Perfection requires patience and surrendering our time-tables to his.

When I heard that many were doubting my continued faithfulness, I could not sit back and fail to declare the truth: that I am still on the Lord's side and have to intent of leaving. For He has been so kind to me; so patient with me in my imperfections. I am filled with astonishment at His rich blessings. Two things come to mind: a psalm and a hymn.

First, the 100th Psalm:

1 Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.

 2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

 3 Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

 4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

 5 For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

The third verse is my favorite. It is easy to fall into a trap of self-worship, patting ourselves on the back for all our own accomplishments. We forget that He is the One who made us, and who remakes us again and again, continually perfecting us. He is our shepherd, we are the sheep. Sometimes I'm not a very good sheep, but He doesn't decrease the efficacy of His shepherding towards me. In fact, He increases it in our behalf when we are the ones needing attention. 

One of the blessings I had over this summer was a set of stellar roommates. They were guys I knew before I moved in with them and they became wonderful friends. The one with whom I actually shared a room knew about my SSA before I even moved in and was always so supportive and kind. Then, a few weeks ago the security I had in those roommates got thrown in the air when I had to move unexpectedly due to a contract mix-up. I was thrown into a new apartments with unknown roommates. I was not excited about it at all, and in fact quite worried. But you know what? It has been fantastic. It is what the Lord knew I needed. My random set of roommates has been an unexpected blessing I not only didn't ask for, but even resisted. In fact, I felt prompted and comfortable telling the roommate I actually share my room with about my attractions on the fourth day I knew him. He was not weirded out at all. In fact, he was very understanding. This was a huge relief. Over the summer for the first time ever I grew accustom to having a roommate who knew about me who I could confide in and talk about things with. That roommate was a remarkable help to me. I was very worried about not having that support anymore after growing used to it. And so I was blessed to be given a great roommate who is equally understanding, and I was blessed to be able to discern it within the first week of knowing him. None of my other roommates know, but they are all fantastic, wonderful guys as well. I've also been blessed to not find myself becoming too attached to or infatuated with any of them despite the strong friendships we are all building and the fact that they all generally happen to be rather good looking. None of that has been even the slightest problem. 

Other parts of my life, including my new semester, etc. are also all falling into place and the direction of the Lord is very clear. I am amazed looking at all the blessings He is pouring on me, far more than I deserve. The world still has a lot of problems and I am not exempt. I still have trials I'm managing, and my attractions are still a consideration. But despite all the things I face, I am happy and amazed at God's love. That's where a great traditional Protestant hymn comes to mind that has always been one of my favorites. It is not found in our hymnal, but I wish it was. It is called, "How Can I Keep From Singing?" This is how I feel. The Lord has been so good amidst my trials, that I can't hold back from sharing that message. And that has brought me back my blog after my summer hiatus. (I guess you could say I am personally feeling like, "How Can I Keep from Blogging?"). Anyway, I'll leave you with the beautiful lyrics from that wonderful hymn:

My life flows on in endless song;

Above earth's lamentation,

I hear the sweet, tho' far-off hymn

That hails a new creation;

Thro' all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing;

It finds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

What tho' my joys and comforts die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What tho' the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;

I see the blue above it;

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it;

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,

A fountain ever springing;

All things are mine since I am his--

How can I keep from singing?

 

 

 

My best,

 

Obadiah

It Does in Fact Get Better, and with God it Gets Best (Ether 12:4)

Last week I wrote a post on the recent panel discussion at BYU, which I attended, and have received the most overwhelming feedback on a post yet since then. This week, I'd like to comment on a related story, namely the YouTube video that was released shortly thereafter, proclaiming an "It gets better" message from self-identified gay and lesbian BYU students. The fundamental goal of the "It gets better" commercials you've probably seen on TV or YouTube is to help prevent suicide of LGBT individuals who are struggling with depression or facing lots of ridicule or attacks on their self-worth as a result of their orientation. Many have scoffed at the campaign because the sponsors of it on a national scale also tend to advocate political objectives such as gay marriage. However, I have to begin by saying that anything which helps prevent suicide and reminds a human soul that they have worth cannot be entirely evil. I can put aside my own differences of opinion with any individual when we can unite on a common goal. If battling suicide and depression are the goal, I'm all for it.

And so we have the BYU video. If you haven't seen it, here it is. If you're pressed for time and can't watch the full 10 minutes, watch at least the last minute to get the gist of it (from about 8:30 to the end):

Some people have raised some concerns about the video, that it is fundamentally ambiguous because of the use of the terms gay and lesbian. People want to know what "kind" of gay Mormons these are: are these those who are planning on a gospel life including full commitment to the law of chastity, or do some plan to eventually leave the church to be in a relationship someday, or try to straddle the two worlds. From personal knowledge and acquaintance with several of those featured in the video (they actually don't know about my own SSA; I know them from classes I've shared with them), I can report that the video includes both. And why shouldn't it? In a way, this simply underscores the fact that disagree as some of us may on our approach to being latter-day saints experiencing same-sex attraction, there are some things we can agree on, especially in reassuring those who are trapped in uncertainty and self-loathing that things get better. Nobody in the video attempted to prescribe to anyone else what the correct course of action is.

I want to raise my own voice of hope today for all who have a rough time. As I contemplate that phrase, "it gets better," I've thought about the reasons why and how that fact manages to be true, regardless of one's approach to the whatever trial they are facing. And honestly, it seems to come from several things. Things get better because we as humans adapt. We learn to cope and the initial shock and trauma of coming to terms with something unexpected subsides. People around us also change. Those who say hurtful things today usually change and soften with time also. When any new circumstance besets us in life, we sometimes have to learn to approach our life differently, which can be hard; but, eventually we succeed and move forward as before. This is the nature of life, and seems to be able to apply to any trial, hardship, change, circumstance, etc. that besets us. So, we've established that it WILL get better. What I've also learned though, is that the WAY it gets better is largely up to us and how we react to our situation.

It was almost a year ago that I started to confront my same-sex attraction in a healthy way for the first time in my life. May and June of last year were two of the most emotionally confusing months of my life. I had been telling myself every day for almost 10 years up to that point that I didn't have this problem, because I didn't want to acknowledge it and didn't want it to be real. But I knew there were some pretty significant emotional stumbling-blocks being ignored and I wasn't making any progress in dating, or in coping with certain bouts of depression. I finally concluded that I couldn't ignore it anymore.It's been said that insanity means doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That had been my approach so far: continually ignoring and repressing, expecting the feelings to somehow therefore magically go away and allow me to find my happily ever after. Recognizing this, I knew I needed to change things up, so for the first time in my life I began to allow myself to acknowledge those feelings and try to discern what they meant.

I went to the internet to try to find answers. My searches generally only produced a feeling of deep despair, sure that nobody else out there experienced this trial who didn't eventually leave the Church. I started reading a lot of anti-Mormon rhetoric on the subject from former members who had left the Church to pursue same-sex relationships and found blog after blog filled with such stories. I got tangled up in reading erotic homosexual literature online and occasionally contemplated possibly finding a guy to hook up with to experiment with my homosexual feelings. I'm not going to delve into the complete details of this rather dark period of my life here on this blog. But I faced severe depression at that time and genuinely didn't know what was going to happen to me. I could see some addictive patterns setting in with the erotic literature and anti-Mormon words. My scripture study was having ups and downs and my prayers shortened significantly, as I felt like every time I prayed I merely wanted to check in with God out of a sense of duty, then flee from Him because I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, least of all God. And I hated myself deeply. I knew that the things I was reading were addictive and wrong, as were some of the thoughts I was having. I knew in theory that the Church only condemned actions, not feelings, and yet somehow I seemed to believe that applied to everyone except me--that my thoughts of attraction for certain men made me evil.

An additional side note on erotic literature: if you are tangled up in reading that garbage, stop now. You will justify it by saying it isn't pornography because there are no pictures. That's a load of crap. The point of the literature is the same as pornography, and it fills your mind with just as many bad sexual thoughts. Indeed, it leaves it to you to imagine the scenes described in your head, and you often find yourself filling it with your own friends and acquaintances you find attractive, subjecting them in your mind to horrible acts they would never choose. You are doing exactly what Christ warned against when He spoke of "looking to lust," about which I've written on an earlier occasion. Erotic literature is just another form of pornography when all is said and done. In fact, I might go so far as to say it is WORSE, because often the sexual scenes described were clothed in what seemed like a tender true love story. I still remember one of them I read so vividly because I felt so connected with the principal character and his lover, which will mess with your brain regarding the right and wrong of homosexual relationships. Picture porn is purely carnal. Written porn feeds you the carnal with a mixture of compelling emotions that aim to get you hooked and attached. Oh, and one more thing: looking up the male reproductive system and then other related articles on human sexual behavior on Wikipedia in order to justify certain pictures and written descriptions is also porn if that's what you're using it as. I've been surprised talking with other SSA guys how frequently that is the starting point for porn addictions. It draws you in by telling you that you're just scientifically curious about the subject, when you know the real reason you're there. Lots of us have done it to, but that doesn't make it right. Don't go there! Anyway, back to my story and how I was feeling...

I truly did want to remain faithful. I had a very clear testimony of the Gospel that I had gained through a life of gospel living, including certain experiences through my mid- to late-teens that really confirmed the witness of truth to me. Additional experiences on my mission and since continued to show with remarkable clarity to truthfulness of the gospel. I had seen miracles from the Hand of God and had felt His Spirit in UNDENIABLE ways on multiple occasions. I had no room to doubt the validity and efficacy of the gospel. In many ways, that was the greatest cause of my grief: I knew what was right and saw myself doing what was wrong, feeling helpless along the way. I was still very active in my calling and loved Church and my ward very dearly. But the simultaneity of my righteous and unrighteous pursuits was creating some massive cognitive dissonance. And the loneliest feeling resulted from the fact that I couldn't see any examples of others choosing a path which embraced being both same-sex attracted/gay and an active, practicing latter-day saint in full fellowship. I actually didn't worry about not being accepted if I chose to pursue a sexually active lifestyle in the LGBT community and outside the Church. I had already found online many others who had done the same thing and I knew that while it would break some hearts and sever some relationships, I could ultimately find acceptance elsewhere and things would "get better." I also already experienced the support and belonging associated with active participation in the Church. I've seen many leave the Church because they said they were embracing who they really were, and yet to me it seemed like leaving the Church would do the opposite as I would be cutting off a part of myself even more fundamental than my attractions: my covenant relationship with the Deity whose son I am. And yet I felt trapped. I saw my bad actions and thought I was on an inevitable course to leaving the Church. Nobody would understand me if I said, "I feel attracted to men, but I'm going to remain faithful to God and to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which I know to be His true Church on earth. I want to pursue marriage to a woman, and if that doesn't happen in this life, I will remain celibate."

I actually didn't magically find resolve to these concerns at the end of June. Instead, I left through July and August for an internship abroad and it was a very effective distraction. While I was out of the country, I was so busy with the work I was doing and so very happy doing it, that I had no time to ponder those issues further. I actually thought about them very little and in fact, I almost forgot about them when what seemed like a miracle happened: I met a girl--another BYU student on the same internship--who I loved and was attracted to. Now, as I've mentioned before on this blog, she wasn't the first I was attracted to. But certainly the occasions had been rare. But I liked her so much and felt like maybe all those years of telling myself I wasn't gay had finally paid off and here was my prize. We weren't allowed to date while on the internship, but the next fall back in Provo, I took her on several dates in September and October. We didn't formally date, per se, but we spent a lot of time together and definitely had a mutual pull for each other. I've told this story I think before on the blog. The short of it is, by late October things fell apart and the attempted relationship didn't work out. This threw me psychologically and emotionally back into all the same despair, depression, and confusion I'd felt back in May and June.

I started reading erotic literature again and anti-Mormon blogs, picking up right where I'd left off. But this time, God had a tender mercy in store for me to help knock me in the right direction. It actually was planted before things fell apart with the girl. During conference weekend in October I had been following the #ldsconf hashtag on Twitter. I saw a lot of tweets coming from a user named @GayMormonGuy. I thought that was interesting and was worried it was one of the many former or less-faithful members whose blogs I'd read, perhaps planting derisive comments on Twitter during conference using the hashtag. But all of his tweets were very positive about the Church and conference. Intrigued, I went to his Twitter profile and found his blog address. (A link to the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog can be found at right on my blog list). It was the blog I always had looked for back in May and June but could never find: a faithful latter-day saint who experienced same-sex attraction. But mind you, when I first found this on Twitter, I wasn't yet depressed again. In fact I remember specifically thinking, "Wow. That's cool. But I don't need that anymore anyway, because I have a girl now." And I moved on.

After things fell apart several weeks later, as I said, I initially fell back into the same habits of despair. I actually did not at first remember the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog. I actually was quite busy that semester, so I was slightly more distracted from the issues than I had been in May and June, but he same patterns were reemerging and I felt like I'd squandered a miracle. My same-sex attractions actually really intensified during that time. In fact, it was at that time I really fixated on the one individual I've code-named "Methuselah" in the past here on the blog. My attraction level for girls fell to practically zero as well. But then, things got better. During Thanksgiving break that blog I'd found during conference came back to memory vaguely. It took me a bit of searching, but I found it again... and it changed my life. His story and experiences resonated deeply with me. I felt sometimes like he was describing me perfectly, as if he had seen into my life and heart, but he was just talking about himself. It was a very large blog with over 800 followers at the time, and over 2 years worth of entries, often with daily posts early on. I read the entire thing over Thanksgiving break. I don't know how much reading that is. Definitely comparable to a fairly lengthy book. I've continued to read every post since. And for the first time since confronting my SSA head-on, I felt a true spark of hope, that there could be a happy and faithful life out there for me and at least one other person equally valiant who understood what I was going through. I spent many hours on my knees in sincere prayer. For the first time ever I didn't feel like fleeing from God regarding this issue when I prayed. Instead, I was able to talk to Him about it and feel his reassurance that it didn't make me an evil person and that He loved me and would help me. I felt genuinely happy, though still confused and sorting things out. Things were a substantial emotional roller coaster for a while as I sorted through the pain of some of the regrettable things I'd gotten into and of continuing to recognize and sort out my various feelings and thoughts. But there was definitely a guiding hope that wasn't there before. This blog was actually begun on the last day of that Thanksgiving break as I felt like I wanted to put my testimony out there as another witness for staying true while experiencing SSA, especially to counter all the contrary voices I'd seen and read.

Since that time, things have continually gotten better. You can read through this blog to see many of those things. I won't describe right now in great detail everything that has happened since then, but here is a brief summary of the main milestones in my own path as it has gotten better:

• Confiding in and confessing to my bishop, who continues to be a wonderful support and help. He was so kind and understanding as has continued to be so.
• Finding a surprising number of additional blogs from faithful LDS individuals with SSA. 
• Connecting with NorthStar, an online support group for Latter-day Saints with SSA, which really opened my mind to the vast number of people out there like me, reassuring me that I truly wasn't alone.
• From NorthStar, meeting a close group of friends with the issue who I am safe with, but who can understand and help and counsel when I'm having a really hard time. 
• Telling my parents: a sacred experience I've written about earlier on this blog.
• Some therapeutic techniques that have helped me truly understand my attractions. I've been able to stop hating myself for liking guys, and be okay with that fact. Meanwhile, while what I've been involved with hasn't been directly focused on diminishing same-sex attractions, it has focused on helping foster and strengthen dormant opposite-sex attractions, and I'm beginning to see that happen. Oddly, my same-sex attractions may have even increased a bit in the process, but so have my opposite-sex ones. So I like more guys AND girls I feel like! This one is definitely still in progress, but I'm filled with hope.
• I've left behind destructive approaches to the topic and have repented. I feel clean again and have learned many lessons from the mistakes I've made.

My life is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I still have some really rough days emotionally, and face interesting and trying experiences. I still face misunderstanding, and I still haven't had any dating success. But you know what? My life is better, and it is continually getting even better still. As I said earlier, I've come to understand that no matter how we approach our trials, things DO get better emotionally. But how we approach them DOES affect the WAY it gets better. In the Book of Mormon, we find an "It gets better" message from God which recommends the course we must pursue if we not only want life to get better, but ultimately want our eternal life to be the BEST. In Ether 12:4 we read:

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

God wants life to get better for us, and knows it can and will. He promises that hope of things getting better if we trust Him, offering our belief, our faith, and the steadfastness of our good works. That's the simple formula. It has worked wonders for me. When I was pursuing my exploration of this matter in unhealthy ways, I was not happy. I was not guided by hope. I'm sure had I pursued it long enough, I would have found other forms and supplies of happiness in a homosexual relationship. Mormons certainly don't have a monopoly on happiness, and God desires some happiness for all of His children. But, the happiness I feel now comes also with the promise of a more eternally guaranteed and lasting form: a better world and a place at the right hand of God. All things we do in this life will eventually fade and cease, except those things we guarantee for ourselves in the hereafter via covenants with our Father in Heaven. Those covenants bring me an unbeatable source of happiness, and I know they can for you also. Stay faithful and obtain the promises! It does get better, and with God it gets best.

I wish the best truly to you,

Obadiah

P.S. The video featured is only the main video of the BYU It Gets Better Project. There are a couple dozen more which focus more specifically on stories of individuals. Some contain views I don't necessarily agree with, but they certainly have every right to express their differing views, hopefully with the same understanding that they don't decry my own.

God's Small Ministrations (Ether 3:18)

This is going to be a really short, but really happy post. First of all, I just want to thank you all for the overwhelming amount of sharing that has been done with my last post, "Grace and Godly Sorrow." In the one week since I wrote it, it has sky-rocketed to quickly overtake "Love thy Neighbor" as my most read post of all time! That was quite a surprise. Thank you all for the loving emails of support you've sent my way. I love you all so much!

So, as I said, this is going to be a really short and simple post. I ran across an absolutely touching verse yesterday in Ether 3:18, which says:

"And he [Christ] ministered unto him [the brother of Jared] even as he ministered unto the Nephites; and all this, that this man might know that he was God"

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like Moroni was struck with the same sense of awe as he wrote this verse that I am struck with while reading it. Moroni reflects back on the story from 3 Nephi, recorded by his father Mormon, and how the Savior there came and ministered personally to a large multitude of people. And now here He is again taking the time to minister, but this story takes place 2000+ years earlier on a mountain to a single individual. God loves the Brother of Jared enough to minister to him very personally here.

In reading this short but very sweet verse, I was reminded of the many times and ways that my Father has chosen to make Himself known to me throughout my life. Sometimes it is while I am at Church, among others--like the Nephites and Bountiful. Other times, it is a very personal one-on-one experience, even as the Brother of Jared had. But He DOES minister to us. Many times it is in the realization of tiny blessings that He can be found. Look carefully at your circumstances each day, and I'll bet you'll be surprised how present He is.

I know God lives. I know He loves me. I know He loves you. He wants to minister to you, but you must let Him, and often must first call upon Him. Let Him help you, and look for Him carefully each day.

My Best,

Obadiah

One month at War (Isaiah 2:4)

Today marks one month since this blog began. It's come a really long way since then, as have I. This blog has been an outlet, a source of therapy, a forum for discussion, and a chance to connect with new friends. I've learned a lot about myself and have treasured the opportunity to view the scriptures through the unique lens of my trials. Here's a quick rundown of the blog's first month:

Total number of visitors: 927
Total number of posts: 19
Countries read in: 10 (top three: United States, Russia, United Kingdom)

Top posts this month, in order of popularity:
Forsaken (Matthew 27:46)
Love thy Neighbor (Matthew 22:35-39)
Grace and Gasoline (2 Nephi 25:23)

These make sense given how much they've been shared and reshared across the internet by loyal readers. Honestly, I couldn't be happier because if I were to pick three favorite posts I'd prefer to see garner attention, these would be them! (Though I'd probably reverse the order). You should expect  to see yesterday's post about telling my parents top the list pretty soon though, it is already in fourth place after only 24 hours!

Above all things this blog has been so far, it has been my effort to go to war. Of course, as the "Love thy Neighbor" post listed above explains, my warfare is waged in LOVE ONLY. One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share my blessings, love, and support with others caught in the crossfire. This is a war for the souls of men. I hope no group or individual feels like they are my opponent in it. Indeed, I hope rather to be a comrade to all. The war is on Evil, Hate, Sin, Prejudice, and all other vices Satan employs. I wage the war in my soul every day, but knew that I had insights I could bring to the larger battlefield. Guess what? So do you! As a hymn reminds us:

Then don't stand idly looking on, the fight with sin is real;
It will be long but must go on, put your shoulder to the wheel!

If you have a drop of testimony, please share it. We are all enlisted to help each other draw closer to the God of heaven. I have been incredibly supported personally by other blogs here in cyber-world (see my list of great uplifting picks on the side bar--by no means comprehensive!). You may have the words that can help someone struggling! Sometimes the "(Gay) Mormon Guy" blog or "You Don't Know Me" or "Masked Man" or any of the others there on the side have had just the right thing for me. Tomorrow I might need your input.

War is scary. I haven't had fun every minute by any means! I don't enjoy conflict. I regularly now get threatening emails on account of this blog! But the war must be fought today until that great last day when the prophecy of Isaiah (chapter 2:4) will be fulfilled which says:

"And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."

I long for that day. One day peace and righteousness will prevail. In the meantime, welcome to the battle. How are ways you fight?

Verse-by-verse: James 1

Up to this point in my blog, I've based (at least loosely) each post around a small passage from the scriptures that I feel provides pivotal insight into key dimensions of my dichotomous psyche. Sometimes, however, a small passage is not enough. In my personal scripture study I sometimes come across larger chunks including entire chapters that build thematically around messages I really need at the time. So, today will be my first attempt to build a post around an extended passage, in this case the first chapter of the epistle of James. Hopefully this “verse-by-verse” approach will become a recurring feature here on the blog, because I already can think of a few other very profound chapters I’d love to showcase in the future. J It seems that occasionally approaching posts this way will give me the chance to let my true scripture-nerd side out a bit. And if this just isn’t your thing, don’t worry. Most posts will be more like my previous ones. But just humor me for a bit as I invite you to explore James 1 with me…

Background: James was the younger brother of Jesus Christ, the next-eldest in the family after Jesus (see Matt. 13:55). He was trained to be a Rabbi and was a devout scholar of the Torah. It seems that he actually did NOT accept the teachings of his important older brother during Christ’s mortal life. Nonetheless, Christ knew that he was a chosen vessel and appeared to him after his resurrection (see 1 Cor. 15:7) to help him realize the truth. From thereon out, he becomes one of the most important Church leaders in Jerusalem, serving there as the Bishop of the congregation there until his eventual call to the 12 (see Galatians 1:19). He served faithfully as an apostle until his martyrdom at the hands of the Sanhedrin in 61 AD. His life was an example of faithfulness through the humility to accept that you were wrong, and then spend your whole life working for what’s right from thereon out. (For fantastic insight on James, I highly recommend Dr. Richard Draper’s The Ministry of the Apostles [2010, BYU Academic Press], pages 46-47)

Chapter One:

1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad, greeting.
2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
3 Knowing this, that they trying of your faith worketh patience.
4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Commentary: How to be a faithful gay Mormon—Step One: Experience temptations, and learn to be happy BECAUSE of them, not just DESPITE them. Note that “fall into” from verse two is from the Greek peripipto, meaning to be encompassed by, not to give into. Thus we aren’t being counseled here to be happy when we sin, but merely when we are surrounded by temptation (implicitly WITHOUT giving in). Once we realize that God has a purpose and knows what He’s doing, we can look at trials joyfully, knowing that they lead us to become like Him. And that’s a pretty happy ending!
Step Two: Learn patience. This is really the name of the game, isn’t it? My fellow faithful gay Mormons and I are continually waiting for the day that blessing of a happy marriage to a daughter of God will be fulfilled. But as verse four counsels, we also have to be patient while waiting to develop patience! We have to stand back and let our patience grow.
The mind blowing part: Verse three brilliantly connects these two ideas. Being gay Mormons, we know we have to experience unique temptations, and we know we need patience. James is telling us here that the first one HELPS the second! God knows we must have patience, so He sent us trials in order to work that patience in us, and THAT is why the trials should make us happy! Once the patience grows we can eventually be made perfect. I like that it says we will be made to be “wanting nothing.” I believe that the reason we won’t want anything, is because those wants have been fulfilled once we’ve qualified ourselves through patience. I’ll no longer be wanting a wife, because I’ll have found her because my patience was made perfect enough to be deserving of and ready to receive the blessing.
Moving on…

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
7 For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Commentary:
Step Three: Learn to pray—no, not just “say prayers”—PRAY! Prayer was always meant to be a conversation WITH, not a dictation TO the Creator. You’ll never begin to understand your place in the Plan and the promises still extended to you unless you discuss your feelings with your Father in Heaven. He is willing and ready to talk about your attractions to the same gender with you! I dare you to give it a try.
This clump of verses contains a Mormon favorite, though considered all together they also can be discouraging and problematic at a first glance. How do we make our prayers “unwavering” as the verses ask? Does that mean we need to have a perfect knowledge of God to be able to get anything from Him? Well that doesn’t make any sense, because I can’t think of any scriptural instances of those who had perfect knowledge of Him who didn’t have to ask in order to obtain it in the first place! Then what does it mean to not waver when we ask? It means we have to actually desire the wisdom we are petitioning for. If we pray to God for an answer to a question, but deep down we really don’t want to know the answer, or won’t accept certain answers we wouldn’t like, then we can’t expect the Lord to give us that wisdom yet. We have become “double minded” men and women who can’t make up their mind what they want, and therefore are like waves of the sea, very easily moved about by other forces in many directions. We are thus to unstable to receive from God any measures of His Word, for they require a sure foundation.
So, at least as I read it, to not waver when we ask we have to be sure of our desire to learn from God. We don’t have to have a perfect knowledge of Him or a deep understanding of every aspect of the gospel. Indeed, if we did there would be little reason for us to be petitioning for wisdom in the first place! But, what do we do when we know our desires our divided and we’ve become “double minded,” wanting wisdom from God but telling Him also we don’t want an answer that tells us we can’t pursue that man romantically? I suggest first desiring correct desires! J You may recognize that your mixed desires may be hindering your capacity for inspiration, but recognizing that, you can at least plant and develop a desire for correct desires first! As my first post mentioned, “God hath… given us the spirit of… love, and of power, and of a SOUND MIND” (2 Timothy 1:7). In other words, if a “double mind” is preventing you from receiving inspiration, God is more than willing to first give you a SOUND one so that you can align your will with His and thus truly communicate (see the BD definition of prayer).
(Notice that this passage doesn’t talk about petitioning the Lord for physical blessings, but rather just about WISDOM—that is, an increased understanding. We shouldn’t assume that if we ask with unwavering faith for a sports car that He’ll give it to us.)

9 Let the brother of low degree rejoice in that he is exalted:
10 But the rich, in that he is made low: because as the flower of the grass he shall pass away.
11 For the sun is no sooner risen with burning heat, but it withereth the grass, and the flower thereof falleth, and the grace of the fashion of it perisheth: so also shall the rich man fade away in his ways.

Commentary:
These are beautiful and poetic verses, but I’m a little less-than-satisfied with the clarity of the King James Version on these ones. I would personally at least retranslate the clause “and the grace of the fashion of it perisheth” as “and the beauty of its appearance disappears.”
Verse nine naturally makes sense to us: to rejoice when we are rewarded for our humility. But verses 10 and 11 hearken back to those first few verses where we were also told to rejoice in something that seems negative. The rich are told to rejoice in being made low. They are reminded that all the physical things of this world—their riches, their beauty, their looks, and everything else will all be lost… and they’re supposed to be happy about it! I guess since I am definitely not a rich person, I haven’t completely had the insight perhaps I need to truly understand these verses. Nonetheless, I do find some reassurance in the thought that the physical is temporary. My insomnia, my ADD, and SSA—all of them pertain only to this life. Like flowers, they will fade and die when I do, and my resurrected self will be without those things.

12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
14 But every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.

Commentary:
That theme of resisting temptation and the blessings for doing so is reiterated in verse 12, and then he explains some interesting and important truths about the nature of temptation itself. First, he tells us that God doesn’t send temptation! This is an important caveat to his other statements in the chapter, because he has told us to be grateful for temptation; this could lead us to think that temptation comes from God. Yet, God merely ALLOWS us to experience temptations—He doesn’t personally send them! We tend to attribute temptations to the devil, but interestingly enough James doesn’t do that here. I’ve heard it said that we give Satan way too much credit. Certainly he is capable of sending temptations, but we definitely don’t need a devil to tell us to do something wrong to make an incorrect choice. Our own imperfect natural-man-tendencies are enough to present temptation. When Satan DOES tempt us, I imagine he typically is only able to draw on those inherent to us rather than conjuring up new ones altogether.
This makes perfect sense. I have a body that is full of hormones and receptors that naturally drive me instinctually towards sexual stimulation. So do you. That is actually important and we SHOULD experience those feelings if we are healthy and those systems are working properly. However, not every impulse towards a sexual prelude should be acted upon! In fact, the large majority mustn’t be. This is true regardless of whom you are attracted to. Thus our own natural man creates its own temptations, regardless of whether or not the devil intervenes. There is no sin in experiencing that. But, James continues with a warning regarding acting out on those feelings…

15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
16 Do not err, my beloved brethren.

Commentary:
God doesn’t hold us guilty for the temptations we experience, but He does judge the choices we make. James points out that we have to watch ourselves carefully, because temptations unchecked DO tend to lead to sinful actions, and sin ultimately leads to spiritual death. Thus his succinct advice: “Do not err, my beloved brethren.”

17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
18 Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

Commentary:
Contrasting what God DOESN’T give us according to verse 13 (temptation), James now discusses what God DOES give us. He gives us some gifts that are “good” and others that are “perfect.” Some of the GOOD gifts he gives us include… each other! As verse 18 points out, WE are among the gifts He sends to earth. We are gifts to each other, for none of us can really make it on our own. Before a week and a half ago, I had never shared my burden with anybody. Now I’ve told several people, and have been incredibly blessed for doing so! I still don’t ever intend to tell the vast majority of people who know me about my same-sex attraction, but having a few close and loving individuals know is a actually a huge relief—more than I ever could have believed it would be.
Verse 18 also mentions one of God’s PERFECT gifts: the “word of truth.” This refers not only to the scriptures and words of living prophets, nor only to the words He gives us through personal revelation; it is also representative of His perfect son, Jesus Christ (see the first chapter of St. John).
As for the “firstfruits of his creatures” bit—um, I don’t know. I have some guesses about that, but would love any insight from my readers! :D

19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Commentary:
How to be a faithful gay Mormon—Step Four: grow a thick skin! Being gay, you need to be ready to be persecuted. Being Mormon, you also need to be ready to be persecuted. Being gay AND Mormon, well, buckle yer’ seatbelts, folks! It’s gonna be a rough ride! Unfortunately, the crowds that share these two attributes with me often persecute each other the most. Thus, I’m all-too-often surrounded by the Mormons I know demeaning those who are gay and those I know who are gay trashing the Church. It can be easy to get offended on both fronts, but doing so never helps anyone!
I think these verses from James may be two of the wisest I have ever read. I especially like that he tells us to be “swift to hear.” We must be willing to listen to others, even with different points of view. Being a good listener is often key to effectively serving our brothers and sisters. We may not even agree with everything they say, but often if we listen with an open mind and open heart, we may learn something new including ways we may better ourselves. Either way, we will always understand them better, which will help us love them, for as I’ve said in earlier posts, understanding dispels hate.
Along with being “swift to hear,” we are admonished to be slow at speaking or becoming wrathful. While listening to others is important, it isn’t always going to be prudent for us to speak our minds to them. We should speak only in love, and follow the Spirit. The most important words we can speak are “I love you.” If correction can be given kindly, and is appropriate to give in our circumstances, then weigh your words carefully first. By all means, speaking up may be very important—if nobody ever corrected anyone else, we’d all be a lot more incorrect people! :D However, if the opportunity to correct is especially important, that’s all the more reason why we have to be careful with the delivery, so that an important message isn’t disregarded because it is given harshly. As James reminds us in verse 20, it’s pretty hard to bring about the righteousness of God via wrath.

21 Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.
22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:
24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.
25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

Commentary:
In verse 19, James encouraged us all to be hearers. Now he adds to that an admonition to be not ONLY hearers, but also doers of the good counsel we hear. I’m not completely sure I understand the mirror analogy James gives, but here’s what I think it means:
When we hear something we should do to better ourselves and don’t do it, it’s like looking at ourselves in the mirror, seeing a great defect within our power to correct, and then doing nothing about it. If we know what is right, it simply doesn’t make sense not to do it. The right thing to do won’t always be easy, but when we choose to be doers, we are “blessed in [our] deed.” I love those blessings. I live for them. I’m aware that I could be choosing to sacrifice close physical relationships for a very long time by choosing the path I have, but those blessings make it totally worth it! J

26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.
27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Commentary:
These two verses could easily form the basis of tons of additional posts. They raise great questions for discussion on what religion actually is, etc. We tend to use verse 26 to discuss profanity, swearing, etc. While that is a valid interpretation, I think it has more to do with what he talked about in verses 19-20. He’s saying that regardless of how good we think we are, if we can’t control the things we say—whether in vocabulary or in message—we are deceiving ourselves about our own religiousness. In fact, any time we deceive ourselves in any way, we actually diminish our religious selves. As I’ve written elsewhere, truly the truth makes us free!
More interesting than what James tells us religion ISN’T, is what he tells us it IS in the final verse of the chapter. The basis of religion is two-fold: serving others and avoiding sin. We hear many people concentrate on the first have this verse: the idea that our religiousness is based on our service to and action towards others. This certainly worth emphasizing more! However, I’ve heard people use this verse an excuse for bad action, saying that they are religious because they serve others, so their other choices don’t matter. Don’t forget the second half of the verse: stay unspotted from the world! I’m not perfect yet, but I intend to do my very best on that front.

Well, if you actually read this whole post, congratulations. You are clearly a patient person! You might need a life, though… J

The Transforming Power of Kindness (Joshua 2:12)

Well, week two of the blog has been much less post-filled than week one. Explanation: I'm also a regular college-guy and this week was insanely filled with papers and projects and finals-preparation, etc. Anyway...

A long time ago the Children of Israel, under the leadership of Joshua, were marching towards their promised land. Along the way they had to face the walled city of Jericho. Joshua sent spies ahead to scope it out, and they meet a harlot named Rahab, a woman who's religious views and lifestyle really had very little in common with the Israelite spies. She had lots of reasons to reject them, and they had lots of reasons to condemn her, but instead something wonderful happened. Rahab shows kindness to the Israelites, and displays love instead of hate. In return she asks just one thing; from Joshua chapter 2, verse 12:

"Now therefore, I pray you, swear unto me by the LORD, since I have shewed you kindness, that ye will also shew kindness unto my father's house."

She shows them kindness, and only wants kindness in return... and the Israelites oblige. They promise safety to her and her family. Sure enough, when those walls famously come a-tumblin' down, Rahab and her family are unharmed. This story demonstrates the principle I talked about in my last post ("Love thy Neighbor"): the idea that we will not end ignorance and hate with equal ignorance and hate, but with love. The one willing to show kindness first has a greater power to influence their fellows than all the hate of the world. It is a true principle that I had the fortune of seeing really work this past week. Let me tell you about it:

I've mentioned earlier in this blog the respect I have for another LDS man with same-sex attraction who writes a blog called (Gay) Mormon Guy that I absolutely love (and which helped inspire this blog). I have never met (G)MG, but our anonymous gay Mormon blogger selves have an email correspondance we keep up. I asked him how he thought it was best to help get our message out there to make a difference. He had several keen insights he shared with me, among them the idea of commenting on gay life articles in the Huffington Post. Honestly, that idea did not appeal to me whatsoever, especially because I don't enjoy plunging into never-ending political arguments. I don't want to have to drag politics onto my blog either (though I'll have to do a little on this post). I'm pretty moderate politically--which doesn't mean I'm not passionate about some of my views. I'm just my own unique blend of conservative and liberal views, generally leanin a different direction on each issue. But I hate to argue about it, because it stresses me out, so I've learned to stop getting involved in political discussions.

Nonetheless, my blog cannot completely avoid the subject, and I do truly want to get my message out there, so I took (G)MG's advice. I commented on 6 different articles related to gay issues this week on the Huffington post. As a result, my site hits really did surge! One of the articles I commented on was even a highly political one, and that is where my own Rahab story unfolded. Now, obviously I don't want to drag the politics of the article over here, but I do need to give you a little bit about the article for background's sake. The article discussed Rick Perry's condemnation of Obama and Hillary Clinton's comments on World AIDS day regarding the need for more international attention to hate crimes against the LGBT community. Perry said that people of faith would be insulted by that message. There was more to it than that, but I'm sure you can look into it yourselves.

While I'm not really a fan of any of the politicians mentioned here, in this case I had to at least side more with Hillary Clinton's comments than Rick Perry's, as she said some things very similar to my last blog post, which I had written earlier that same day. So, I posted the following comment on the article:

Be sure, I am not trying to endorse the Obama administration or tear down the Perry candidacy here. I was really just trying to draw attention to my own views on the subject, thus why I included the blog link at the bottom of my post (and LOTS of people clicked on it). It didn't take long for me to get some replies posted to my comment. I won't print the first one, as it was a very crudely-worded and counter-productive attack on my faith and on me personally. However, I'll post the second comment generated and the brief converstation which ensued. (Just be aware that when I mention "the other comment" I'm referring to the filthier one I chose not to reprint here). Watch what happens:

(You can click to make it bigger if you can't read it)

See what happened? She initially starts to throw some disapproval at me just because I didn't want to be harder on Perry! In responding, I chose to keep my cool and then the kindness was reciprocated! If I had responded snappily or angrily, it would have undermined my entire message, and none of us would have gotten anywhere. If you ever read comment threads after political articles online, I ask: how often do you see people change their minds in those threads because of someone else's comments? Practically never! All the mean things said usually just cause people to entrench themselves deeper in their own opinions. But when kindness is shown, Rahabs and Israelites can agree, minds are changed as ignorance is replaced with understanding, and hate is replaced with love. Fantastic, eh? Now, I have to take my hat off to this abscs2000 character, since not everyone who is approached with love gets the message and responds accordingly, but she did and it made my day!

So, friends, soldier on! Keep building bridges with kindness and love. It really does work! :) And comment on Huffington Post articles--apparently that works too! (Thanks, (G)MG!)

My Best,

Obadiah

My first week

So, I've been keeping this blog up for a whole week now! It has been incredibly therapeutic in a lot of ways, and I hope its been helpful. While you guys haven't been commenting, etc, I know from my stats page that people are clearly reading. In fact, so far my blog has been read in five countries (including over 15 views in Russia alone). I know there will be more feedback and readers with time, and I hope this first week of foundational posts proves helpful in the longrun as people later on go back to read my earlier stuff.

Meanwhile, all you so-far silent readers out there, any feedback for me??? What do you like, and what don't you like?

2 Timothy 1:7-8

I'd like to base this first post (besides my intro post) on what has always been one of my favorite scriptures.

Writing to his friend Timothy just months before his death, the apostle Paul says,

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;"

Paul was, at this time, literally a prisoner in Rome, but he is not deterred in his testimony by a trial and tells Timothy not to be either. This scripture gave me courage on my mission to speak to people, knowing that if I was too afraid to open my mouth, that was not of God--for He does not give us a spirit of fear.

That is the principle behind this blog. I have had a wonderful and happy, faithful life so far, despite living with same gender attraction. I have a fantastic testimony of God's ability to help those who face the struggle of testimony and temptation that comes with this affliction. Yet, until now I've never shared that part of my testimony with anyone before. It is hard to feel ashamed, but I've come to the conclusion that I just have too much ability to help others as long as I refuse to hide my candle under the bushel it has been under for so long.

I have to admit that I'm still trying to overcome a little bit of the spirit of fear. This is a whole new experience for me. This is the first time I've ever expressed myself on the subject of same gender attraction to anyone other than myself (and I haven't been that open with myself about it for very long either). But God has given me the power of love, and power, and especially of a sound mind persuading me to push forward with this endeavor.

My best,

Obadiah

About the blog

There is a fantastic blog out there called "(Gay) Mormon Guy" that I'm sure many of you have seen. If you haven't, I highly recommend you check it out. It changed my life.

Like the author of that blog, I am a fully active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who happens to have same-sex attraction. My attractions do not define me, but they certainly play a role in my life.

Nobody knows about my struggle. Thus, I am going to have to be particularly secretive on this blog, so don't expect me to disclose many personal details that could be used to identify me. Given my penchant for lesser-known Old Testament prophets, I've decided to go by the pseudonym Obadiah when writing.

This blog, as I've mentioned, is inspired by another blog written by a man I do not know, but whom I feel is one of my closest friends. His words gave me the courage to accept and understand my condition and to take it to the Lord. I will be perfectly honest with you: this blog is probably going to be pretty similar to that one. Why, then, am I starting it? Well, it isn't intended to be a direct copycat of that one. I am a different person with different experiences and insights to share, though I must say I agree with basically everything he has already written. However, if he's the only one who will have the courage to take the bold stand he has, then the world is in a sorry state. After all, I've read many a "Gay Mormon" blog and sadly observed that the majority of them are not at all about keeping the faith despite having SSA, but rather mere chronicles of testimonies slowly disintigrating. I am joining the battle and encourage others of you out there to do the same. Above all, I am starting this blog because in a very lengthy conversation with God today He told me that I should do so. I don't yet know everything it will become, but I will continue to pray for guidance from Him as I proceed.

One way this blog will especially differentiate itself, is that I plan to focus a lot on the scriptures specifically and the meanings I find in them. Not all the insights I share here will necessarily have to do with same-sex attraction issues, though those will probably get preference.

I will be the first to tell you that I am still figuring things out, but I have a firm testimony of the gospel and a passionate love for the scriptures and want to share those with the world, and especially with others who face these same struggles. If you are scared, uncertain, filled with doubt, or looking for someone to talk to anonymously, please feel free to email me at anothergaymormon@gmail.com or comment on my posts with your questions.

God loves you! I promise!

My best,

Obadiah

P.S. Allow me to note that I do not prefer the terms "Gay" or "Mormon" (I'd rather say same-sex attraction and Latter-day Saint), but as my mentor from the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog has eloquently said regarding the title of his own blog, "Both gay and Mormon are common search terms that describe the nature of my blog. I'd definitely rather use different terms, but people don't search for 'Latter-day Saints dealing with Same-Gender Attraction.' ...People every day... find (Gay) Mormon Guy through search engines"