I started my blog nearly ten years ago as I began coming to terms with my sexuality. It has now been over seven years since I updated it. The blog always served two purposes: (1) to act as a personal cathartic channel for my feelings as I navigated that period of my life, and (2) to share my feelings so that others in a similar situation would know they are not alone. By the time I quit blogging, the first reason had faded away quite distinctly: I had found a sense of peace and balance and no longer struggled as much with internal conflict. I was happy. The second reason remained, but I figured my blog was still there for people to access if they wanted to hear the story, and life became very busy after I graduated BYU and got a real job. Then I became a father and life got even busier. Several times I thought of blogging again, but it just didn’t rise high enough in the priority chain.
So why am I back? A lot has happened since then and I’ve
been coming through what I’d label a “second period of crisis” regarding my
sexual and spiritual identities. As I have, I’ve seen both of those main
reasons for blogging come back to life: I am working through difficult feelings
again, and also have new experiences and insights I feel are worth sharing so
that others may feel a little less alone. However, I also think my approach is
going to be different this time, in a few key ways I’ll describe later on.
First, let me explain a little more about what has brought me to the point
where I’m at.
As mentioned above, since my last post I graduated from BYU
and got a really awesome job that brought me out of Utah and into Texas, where
we’ve lived since 2014. In 2015 we had our first child and being a father has just
been the most incredible experience: so challenging, so rewarding. We’ve had
two more children since then, in 2017 and 2019 respectively. With each child
both the challenges and rewards have increased. I imagine that reflections on
parenting and becoming the parent I want to be may be featured here moving
forward, but it wasn’t parenting that brought me back to the blog.
Starting in the latter half of 2017, a period of depression
combined with a spiritual malaise led to me resurrecting some old bad habits,
beginning with browsing homo-erotic stories online. I had let many important
gospel habits grow stale, especially consistent personal scripture study and
meaningful personal praying as opposed to just “saying prayers.” I also
had just grown busy and exhausted, and on top of it all, I simply felt like I
had not felt the Spirit in a very long time. This was the beginning of a break
in my testimony as I was giving a lot of room to my doubts, but not doing much
to help my belief.
From 2018 onward, things escalated to gradually worse and
worse mistakes. I’m not intending to explore all the details in this post,
though I do plan to share a bit more in future posts, not because I think we
all need to air our transgressions or place a lot of focus on them, but because
some greater detail may be necessary context for some of the lessons I’ve
learned, and some details may also help someone else caught in the same
problems. I don’t plan on giving any explicit details. The two main things I’ll
share briefly now are these: lots of online chatting with other gay men online,
and an erotic (though not fully sexual) in-person encounter with a man in 2019.
For today’s post that’s all you need to know for context, but what I really
want to share is how everything has changed for the better in my life recently.
During the first two months of 2020, I began curiously
growing in two different directions. The misbehaving side was actively seeking
another experience with a man. But at the same time, a recent move to a new house
made it easier for me to begin taking public transportation to work each day,
and I began using that time to restart the habit of studying my scriptures.
With that, I felt like my testimony became reawakened, even if slightly. The result
was a lot of conflict. I could sense things building to a breaking point. And then
the COVID-19 pandemic began and locked the world down. This had the positive
effect of spoiling some plans I’d had to meet up with another man. But it also crushed
my newly regained scripture study habit as working from home changed my schedule
and removed the need to use public transportation. So the building conflict was
for a time tamped down into a period of spiritual limbo.
During the years since I last blogged, I remained a member
of the North Star Facebook group for Same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints, but just
as my blogging had fallen off, so had my active participation there. But I did
occasionally see posts from others and on rare occasions even commented on
them. Shortly after the pandemic began, I saw a post in my feed from a man
asking if there were others in the same area of Texas I live in within the
group. In the previous few years I may have ignored and moved on, but this time
I decided to throw my name onto his post. This resulted in a friend request
from this same individual and one other. I chatted briefly with each of them
via Facebook Messenger and we got to know each other at a high, superficial
level. One of them (I’ll refer to him hereafter in this post as “X”) invited me
to join a local in-person SSA men’s support group (temporarily virtual at the
time due to COVID) that met every other week that had made a big difference for
him. I politely declined at the time,
saying (laughably dishonestly), that I was good and was really at a stable
place with my attractions and didn’t really need that at the time. This really
would have been a true statement for the period of 2013-2017, but clearly by
this point things had spun out of control and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that
I needed help.
Later that year, I had a few very brief but powerful
spiritual experiences that gave me these short but bright glimpses into the
faith I had once had but felt disconnected from. This did not equate to a true
restoration of my testimony, but certainly gave me a stronger desire than I’d felt
in years to get it back and feel the Spirit and the truth of the gospel the way
I once had. I felt a great urgency about this, because even though I hadn’t met
in person with another man due to the pandemic, some of my other bad online
habits were beginning to escalate again. Near the end of last year, two important
things happened. First, “X” invited me to the local group again, and this time
I initially gave a more tentative response. Second, I offered a real prayer. I once
had amazing, spiritual prayers, but hadn’t prayed that way in years. I tried to
tap into that kind of prayer again. It wasn’t completely successful; I still
didn’t feel the Spirit. But I felt so sincere in my pleadings, perhaps the most
sincere I had ever prayed. I begged to be able to feel the Spirit again the way
I once had, if not right away, then within the next day. Beautifully, the next
day I had a brief instant, unexpectedly at a mundane moment, where I received a
startlingly clear glimpse of how it had felt to know it was true. It seemed
unprompted by any specific event and left as quickly as it came. But it gave me
something to hold onto and keep moving forward, as if to say, “If you start
making the right choices, this is how you could feel again.” As I pondered that
moment and tried to decide what to do, one of the conclusions I reached, and
even believed the Spirit was pushing me towards, was to reply to “X” and ask to
begin participating in the group during 2021. Was I fully sure it was the Spirit
telling me that at the time? No. But I decided that if what I wanted was to
feel the Spirit, then if I even believed that maybe I was getting a prompting,
I should listen.
So I replied and got the information for the first meeting
of the year. I was put in contact with a member of the group (let’s call him “Z”)
who would be hosting it at his house that week. “Z”, it turns out, worked in
the same industry I did and was also married with kids, so we were able to quickly
connect and become friends over our many shared interests and experiences. In
fact, the group as a whole was filled with these very humble, very faithful men,
each of whom had walked a difficult path. They were very welcoming. I had no
idea what to expect in attending the first meeting. I thought maybe this was
really just a loose get together of similar guys to talk or maybe, I dunno,
play board games? Or something? What I got instead was essentially a faith-based
group therapy session. And it was mind-opening. I was not the only first-time
attendee that night, and to help the two new guys feel more comfortable, at the
end of that first session another member shared his story with us. Out of
respect for that group and the understanding of trust we have, I won’t ever be
sharing specifics of what anyone discusses, but suffice it to say I was touched
at a deep level by his courage.
When I first decided to go to the group, I was not intending
to necessarily share everything I’d recently been going through. In fact, I
really planned to just attend and learn and use it to help me spiritually
improve so I could stop making the bad choices I’d been making, and never have
to tell anyone. But it turns out it doesn’t work that way. Lasting change doesn’t
happen shrouded in secrecy. The Lord knows the truth anyway, so if we pretend
we needn’t confess, we are only lying to ourselves. For the first month or so,
I simply became better friends with some of these men and started vaguely
reaching out to “Z” when I was feeling tempted (or had just had a slip-up) to tell
him I was feeling “spiritually low” and could use a lift. He was always ready
to help supply that lift, and didn’t pry. He did, however, one day say basically
that if I was dealing with something more than just “spiritual lowness” I could
share with him and he’d be there to help without judgment. But he didn’t push.
The more I saw the good examples of these other men and heard stories from
several who’d gone through a proper repentance process, the more my dishonesty
and years of secrets ate away at me.
Up to this point, I had been very vague with my wife as to
why I suddenly wanted to start going to this group. She knew about my same sex
attraction early on in our dating life and it really had not been something we
had talked much about for years. I had also been very discreet in my misdeeds
and had never given her reason to believe there was anything wrong. But at the
beginning of the year I explained to her that going to the group was just
something I felt I should do and she was very supportive, even if maybe a
little confused. After my third group meeting, on February 11, I didn’t sleep
all night. I was wrestling with the idea of telling my wife about everything.
By the end of that night I had decided I would tell her… some things, so
she’d know I was working through some addictions and trying to improve, but
without telling her everything. So that Saturday, February 13, we were
talking after the kids went to bed and I told her in rather vague terms that I
had made some mistakes that I felt I needed to tell her about. I started to
really break down at this point, and of course so did she a little, but she was
very supportive at the same time. I told her I didn’t think I could tell her
everything then, but that it was something we needed to talk about soon. (By
the way, this is a very… unusual way to kick off Valentine’s day!)
That night I basically had a full mental and emotional breakdown.
I cried most of the night. And of course, you can imagine my wife was left just
wondering what terrible things I would be sharing. But I didn’t know how to
proceed. I texted “Z” to tell him where I was at and that I needed to talk with
him. The next morning we talked for a long time. He started by sharing more of
his own personal experiences with me, and by the time he was done I knew that I
couldn’t just confess part-way—I had to tell everything. So I started by
telling him on that phone call. I sobbed my way through all the major things
and then begged for help. He gave me some very clear and great advice about how
to approach disclosure with your spouse. He also told me he was a great listening
ear, but not a qualified counselor in these issues and that I needed to speak
with a therapist before disclosing. I didn’t have a therapist. But “Z” did, and
he actually had a session scheduled the next day which he immediately sacrificed
so I could use his appointment instead. I had promised my wife that I would
speak with her by Wednesday evening so she wasn’t left hanging too long. I
spoke with the therapist on Tuesday evening and besides helping me work through
some issues, he gave me some very critical advice for how to approach disclosing
to my wife. With that advice fresh in my head, we decided to talk that evening.
Telling my wife what I’d done was the hardest thing I had
done up to that point in my life. I was genuinely terrified that by the end, I
would be at serious risk of losing my wife and my children. Others have lost
their spouses for far less than I had done. Of course my wife was hurt, probably
to a degree deeper than anything she has ever experienced. But she also made it
clear that she planned to stay with me and help me out of the pit I’d dug. I
was stunned, ashamed, grateful, devastated, and every other possible emotion at
the same time. This was the beginning of a series of deep and meaningful
conversations on a wide variety of subjects in recent weeks that have
thoroughly strengthened our relationship and helped us find ways to improve our
marriage.
The next day I began to thinking about the next major hurdle
I needed to clear: telling my bishop. I needed this repentance to be complete,
and I needed my wife to know that I wanted to be right with not only her, but
the Lord. As an aside, if you paid attention to the news last month you may
remember that this was the same week that Winter Storm Uri blanketed Texas in
snow and caused multi-day catastrophic power outages. (We were incredibly blessed
to never lose power, though many around us did; I think the Lord knew we could
emotionally handle only so much that week). Anyway, while I was in the thought
of talking to my bishop, he called me! Scared me to death. But he was calling
just to ask if I could assist in checking on a few members of our ward affected
by the power outages. I said yes, and did so, the whole while wondering if I
should wait a while to tell my bishop until I’d calmed down more emotionally
(these days I was crying at least hourly and was a complete mess). I texted “Z”
to ask if he thought I should wait a while, or at least until talking to my
therapist again. He gently suggested that the sooner I spoke with him the
better. That night I called the Bishop again and asked if I could meet with
him.
The next day I did the next hardest thing I’d ever done as I
talked through everything with my bishop. It was nearly three hours. Three beautiful,
healing hours. Just as I had after telling my wife, somehow I felt good at the
end of the conversation. I felt a remarkable amount of mercy, instead of the
condemnation I expected and felt I deserved. I have often found myself since
then, as C.S. Lewis described it, “Surprised by Joy.” I’m shocked and confused
at how quickly my life is getting better. Now make no mistake: I still have
many conflicted emotions I’m struggling through and personal weaknesses to confront,
but from that week forward my life has started to be filled with light again.
And to a greater degree than ever before in my life, I’m beginning to
understand the words of that beautiful and familiar hymn which say:
I stand
all amazed at the Love Jesus offers me,
Confused
at the GRACE that so fully he proffers me.
I
marvel to know that for ME, HE was crucified;
That
for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.
Oh,
it is WONDERFUL, that He should care for me, enough to die for me!
I have much work to do and vital relationships to repair.
But I have never before felt so empowered to overcome them. In the last three
weeks I’ve seen so many unexpected blessings and felt so much love from various
people I’ve spoken with, most particularly my extraordinary wife. Disclosing my
transgressions suddenly has gotten us to talk about many things we couldn’t
before. Our marriage is coming through this stronger now, not weaker. And that
is the power of GRACE, or help from our Savior: divine help which is available
as soon as we muster the courage and humility to accept it. It is remarkably
efficacious, to a degree truly “confusing” as the hymn says. We have often
grown to be so enthralled with justice that we cannot comprehend how much more
powerful mercy is and how God doesn’t want to condemn any of His children: He
wants to transform them. We must make the step to come, and that step can be
terrifying. But I’ve recently learned that the blessings you receive for your
repentance outweigh all pain and fear you may have of taking that step.
There is much more to tell, and still more that must happen
as I work on becoming a better man. That will all come in future blog posts.
But as I’ve reconsidered who I want to be, I’ve also reassessed this blog a bit.
Now that I’ve returned, I’m going to be making a few changes:
·
Title change: When I started this blog, I
was very clear about the fact that neither the terms “gay” nor “Mormon” were my
first preference, but that they are the common terms people search for. My
thoughts on “gay” haven’t changed much: not my preference but it doesn’t scare
me (and I do use it sometimes to describe myself for the sake of convenience
and brevity). However, my thoughts on the term “Mormon” have evolved more, especially in light of Pres. Nelson’s focus in recent
years to more specifically avoid the term. I also think the scope of this blog
may expand a bit beyond a pure focus on same-sex attraction, though, so I’ve
also decided to drop the term “gay” and move to a more encompassing title of “Scriptural
Insights from a Work-in-Progress Latter-day Saint.” (I recognize that the blog
URL and contact email still contain both terms as of posting this, but those are more complicated to change and I’m still working on it.)
·
Greater authenticity: I’ve been reinventing
my life lately on a deep level of honesty and authenticity, given the clear capacity
for blatant dishonesty I’ve displayed the last few years. A decade ago, this
blog was an important part of my coming to terms with many things, but it was
NOT always authentic. While my thoughts on various scriptures were usually
quite sincere and authentic, my description of my life and level of righteousness
was NOT always. The earlier posts weren’t all a massive lie, but looking over
things, I certainly white-washed a few details about myself and made myself
look better than I was. For example, on more than one occasion during my time
at BYU I kissed a man, but I never gave even the slightest impression of that
in the blog. On at least one occasion I blatantly lied in this blog by saying I
hadn’t viewed video pornography. Why did I do that? It’s complicated. Some of
it was because some people who read the blog knew I was the author (including
notably my mother) and I didn’t want them to know that I’d made a few more risqué
mistakes than the blog would lead you to believe. I made myself look very
pristine and I wasn’t. Now, I didn’t reach the same levels of indiscretion I
have in the last few years, but I was not always the person I purported to be.
That ends now. I’m done being dishonest. That doesn’t mean I plan to include every
sordid detail, but I won’t be saying anything untrue or hiding things in a way
to make me seem cleaner than I was. Honesty is going to be a common topic early
on as I restart this blog. Regarding those old posts, I considered whether to delete
or update them, but I actually think the authentic thing to do is to leave
them. I can correct truths moving forward (like I just did) but don’t have to amend
the past as I presented it then. This applies also to a few posts that I’ve
re-read and realized I don’t fully agree with anymore, even if there is nothing
dishonest in them. That’s part of my progression and I like to think I’ve grown
a little bit wiser about a few things. But I can disagree with my past self
without censoring him.
·
Regarding anonymity: Here’s another
interesting sticking point that made me hesitant to resume blogging. Since I last
blogged, I’ve heard several conference talks cautioning against online
anonymity. And I just closed down an extensive negative online anonymous
identity I’ve kept up the last few years. Not to mention, I just said I want to
increase my authenticity! BUT, I also have new reasons to actually remain
anonymous: my wife and children, who did not sign up to be revealed as they
would be if I blogged openly with my identity. While I may blog about parenting
on occasion, I also plan to keep any and all details about my children out of
the blog out of respect for their privacy. This has become my policy in my
normal social media use as well: my wife and I have largely stopped sharing
pictures of our children on social media out of respect for their privacy. As
someone in a mixed orientation marriage, I live a life deemed controversial by
the world’s standards, and it isn’t fair to my children to be associated with
their dad’s choices. I also have strong reasons to not have my personal blog
associated or tied back to my professional life. I have a great job, but work
in an industry so “progressive” that they ironically don’t have much understanding
or room for my choices and situation. SO: I plan on keeping up the pseudonym.
But, in the name of greater authenticity, I’m also willing to connect using my real
identity with any sincere reader who reaches out to me through the blog
email. In other words, I won’t correspond outside the blog in any way using a
false identity. I plan on sharing my blog openly in a few forums and already there
are quite a few people who know I write this. So while I’m not going to put my
name literally on the blog where it can be searched for and associated openly
with me, privately I plan to be quite open moving forward. I’ll be
discontinuing my “Obadiah” social media accounts I created back when I first
wrote this blog. There will be no second persona to speak of, just the use of
the pseudonym here on my blog.
·
Cadence: When I first started the blog I
was writing very consistently, sometimes 2-3 times per week. Well, time was one
of the reasons I stopped blogging to begin with and my life hasn’t gotten any
less busy. I’m choosing to make time for this, but cannot promise any great
frequency or consistency. Right now I have a rough goal of aiming for weekly
posts, and that sounds pretty ambitious, frankly. (Did I mention I have 3 kids
now?) Also, don’t worry; posts won’t all be this super-long.
May the Lord bless you, wherever you are at,
--Obadiah
