Sword and Lamp, Bread and Rain, Rod and Seed (D&C 14:2)

In the descriptive paragraph atop this blog, I define it as the story of my relationship with the scriptures. As I’ve been tracing “what went wrong” (see the last two posts if you haven’t already) in recent years, one of the clearest causes I’ve identified was letting my personal scripture study fall by the wayside. One of the great joys of my repentance has been a new courtship with the scriptures, and so far, we’ve had some really great dates!

I’ve tried hard to study the weekly “Come,Follow Me” chapters each week, as well as some conference talks and personal topical study. The first week I started really re-committing to a never-miss-a-day habit of scripture study back in February, the “Come, Follow Me” chapters for the week included Doctrine and Covenants 14, and a study activity in that week’s personal study outline included a list of cross references for verse 2, which compares the scriptures to a sword. Each cross reference lists another metaphor for the scriptures. It was a delightfully appropriate thing to focus on as I rebooted my scripture study habit and explored how I want to use the scriptures going forward. I’d like to share some of the insights I gained from that activity.

The initial verse the activity references from the reading block, as mentioned, is Doctrine and Covenants 14:2, which says:

Behold, I am God; give heed to my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my word.

This initial metaphor makes the scriptures sound almost menacing at a first glance. But looking at each descriptive word used here, I think we see a different message:

• The Word is QUICK: It creates change, and does so rapidly, as soon as we humbly receive it. I’ve distinctly noticed a rapid, incredible change in my life over the last two months as I’ve re-immersed myself in the scriptures each day. 
• The Word is POWERFUL: It facilitates MIGHTY change. In other passages the Lord specifically points to the scriptures as one of the great conduits to unlock the blessings of the Atonement in our lives. How much more powerful could it get than that?
• The Word is SHARP: Like a sword diving joints and marrow, the scriptures divide between good and evil. It can be painful to receive the truths when they cause us discomfort! It is not something to be taken lightly.

The Word as a Sword is not meant as a threat—though it contains a warning to give respect. It is a reminder of the immense power of the scriptures to change our lives if we allow it to pierce our hearts.

Following is a collection of the additional insights I gained about the scriptures by reading the other references in the “Come, Follow Me” activity:

Psalm 119:105 reads:

                Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

A favorite religion professor at BYU used to tell me, “A psalm a day keeps the devil away, so if every day you read a psalm while eating an apple, you can go all day without seeing any doctors or lawyers!” All joking aside, the psalms truly are beautiful and number 119 is one of the greatest (as a child randomly perusing the scriptures during sacrament meetings, I loved looking through that one just because it has the letters of the Hebrew alphabet listed throughout, and I thought they looked cool).

I love the imagery in this line. The Word is a lamp to our FEET. It is a guidance system, showing us which way to walk. It often isn’t going to show us everything—just enough to help us move forward a bit in the right direction. Sometimes we may be left a little confused because we don’t have enough light to see the whole journey.

Isaiah 55:10-11 reads:

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Matthew 4:4 reads:

But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

These two passages both speak of God’s Word as nourishment. Isaiah compares it to rain that nourishes the land, while the passage from Matthew compares it to bread that nourishes the body. Isaiah’s comparison mentions that God expects a return on His investment when He sends the rain, and so with us and the scriptures. He sends them to grow our souls. We recently had a Family Night lesson with our children where we compared our testimonies to plants. We don’t have a particularly great track record with house plants, and some of them often look pretty scraggly. But some are very resilient, and even if pieces of them die, they can usually be nourished back to health. The longer we go without adding the water of God’s word consistently to our testimonies, the weaker they get. But as soon as we begin watering again, we revive and nourish the plant.

The bread analogy also in instructive in its phrasing, that by the Word of God we LIVE. Our whole lives our made better by studying the scriptures. It doesn’t just nourish our testimonies. Our marriage, our self-worth, even our skills and talents can all be improved upon when we take time each day to feast upon the Bread of Life.

First Nephi 15:23-24 reads:

And they said unto me: What meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?

And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.

Alma 32:28 reads:

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

Here we see two particularly famous analogies from the Book of Mormon. In the first, perhaps the most famous comparison in Latter-day Saint theology, we have a comparison reminiscent of the lamp in Psalm 119: it is a guidance system, but not one which shows us the entire path, just enough for us to rely on one step at a time. Much has been spoken previously and talks have been given about the differences in results for those who never grabbed the rod, versus those who merely were “clinging” to the rod, versus those who were “continually holding fast.” I have seen that difference keenly in recent years. I’ve seen how reading your scriptures is better than not reading, but better still is studying them. The difference is a matter of intent, of effort, and perhaps approach.

The second analogy here, from Alma, connects to the earlier nourishment analogies, but here the formula is flipped: the Word is the seed and WE have to nourish it to let it grow within us. And of course we see and feel the true growth of ourselves as we do. But, like the rod analogy, there is a suggestion here of effort needed. As a poor graveyard of dead houseplants that have entered the doors of our home can testify, plants need constant care, not just casual appreciation.

If you are looking to increase your scripture study, the best advice I can possibly give is to keep a study journal. A wise seminary teacher told me, “your pen is your lightning rod for inspiration!” I have found this to be remarkably true. When I approach the scriptures with journal and pen in hand and write the date at the top before I begin, it’s like I’m telling the Lord, “I am read to receive, so please send me something!” I then just start writing down my reactions to what I’m reading and sometimes learn a lot more that way. On occasion, I even find this is the best way to unlock spiritual moments of true revelation while studying. Deep moments like that won’t happen every time you study with a journal, but I’ve rarely ever had them happen without.

I’m happy to say that for two months as of today I haven’t missed a day of at least reading the scriptures, and most of those days it has been real studying. That’s the longest streak I’ve had in years, and so far just in these two months I’ve seen incredible healing, on par with that received through therapy, connection, and other parts of my repentance process. And, of course, that makes sense: the scriptures are a direct conduit to the power of the Atonement with its transformative power.

A Double-minded Man (James 1:8)

 

In my last post I spoke heavily about repentance, and lightly about the mistakes I’ve made in recent years which facilitated that repentance. Tonight, I will be delving a bit more into some of my specific transgressions. And I don’t believe it is necessary to focus overwhelmingly on our mistakes, but taking some time to carefully reflect can teach us a lot about ourselves and how we can improve. This is my purpose here. I won’t be sharing any explicit sexual detail, but I want to issue a trigger warning for those who may have a hard time with either memories of their own past mistakes, or for spouses who have experienced what is termed “betrayal trauma,” so please decide if it’s best for you to continue reading.

As I’ve considered my mistakes from the last few years, I’ve been stunned to confront many of my weaknesses, and more shocking to me than my violations of chastity have been my violations of honesty and integrity. For this reason, as I’ve been repenting and rehabilitating this year, I’ve devoted some of my scripture study to a topical study of these subjects. I’ve been reading through the list of scriptures listed under these headers in the Topical Guide of the Latter-day Saint edition of the Scriptures. Under “Integrity” one verse has stood out the most to me, despite not mentioning the actual word at all. This brief one-liner from James 1:8 says the following:

                “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.”

I described in part in my last post that I often felt divided, like two different people in the same body. There was the good guy and bad guy each acting very separately. And yet I really was just one person, divided in half. This verse is an adequate description of my life during that time. Allow me to illustrate by sharing a deeper look at the erotic encounter I briefly alluded to last time.

In June of 2019, I traveled for work to attend a multi-day conference in another state. By this time, I had already escalated from merely pornographic internet use to chatting with a wide variety of men secretly online with a fake account. One who I had connected with lived in the city I was travelling to. He was actually a very nice person; not just some stereotypical internet connection looking for quick sex (though that was more what I was looking for). In fact, he made it very clear that he’d love to meet up with me and would do a lot of things with me, but didn’t want to have full sex the first time he met with someone. And so, during the second night of my trip he came to my hotel room and we talked, touched, and then did a lot of other things. After we were done I wrote him a single email telling him it was best if we didn’t take things any further and we never communicated ever again.

It’s difficult for me to write what I just shared. It’s even more difficult for me write or even comprehend what happened just before he arrived. Ten minutes before he got to my hotel room I got off the phone with my wife, during which call we had said a nightly prayer together and told each other we loved each other, and I said I was really tired and looking forward to going right to bed. Throughout the call I’d also been admiring an adorable drawing/note my oldest child had snuck into my suitcase to cheer me up so I, to quote the note, wouldn’t “be lonely.” After the phone call was over, I quickly hid the drawing and my wedding ring in a drawer so that my visitor wouldn’t figure out that I was married or had children. I then changed out of my garments.

And here’s the kicker: in both my interactions with my wife and this man I felt completely honest at the time. I wasn’t lying when I told my wife I loved her or how much she meant to me. I felt and meant it every time I said it. We’ve had a happy marriage; not a perfect marriage, but a very happy and fulfilling one. We were not going through any rough trial in our relationship at the time. I was living a happy married life, but also on the side living a disconnected second life where I also meant the things I said to this other man. I’ve spent the last few years as a double-minded man and see how thoroughly unstable I’ve been in all my ways as a result. In fact, after the man left my hotel room, I had basically a complete mental breakdown that lasted for several hours.

Living two different lives, even if both seem somehow “true”, is still 100% dishonest. The process of disclosing to my wife and bishop has caused a large curtain of division in my mind to come crashing down and the two sides are being integrated. This has clearly shown me just how unstable I had become. But I’ve felt more stable and certain and peaceful in recent weeks since confessing than I have in a long time. Many fears have departed and I feel I have more stability and control than I ever have, though there is still much to mentally resolve.

It is also interesting that the verse I’ve referenced here immediately follows the famous verses in the first chapter of James which prompted Joseph Smith to pray and receive the First Vision. It is James’ follow-up verse to his discussion on what he means by “nothing wavering” when we ask in Faith. I think he’s saying you can’t really ask of God with nothing wavering if you are a “double-minded man,” and therefore according to verse 7, you have no promise of getting a valid response. No wonder many of my prayers felt so empty during the last few years: I was a double-minded man. My prayers have felt so much more present and blessed since coming clean.

When I really find myself fixated on a verse of scripture, I often like to spend time exploring all the cross-references given. There are three additional verses referenced in the footnote of James 1:8 under the word “double-minded,” and each sheds a little more light on the subject. The first is in 1 Kings 18:21, and says:

“And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word.”

These are the words of Elijah as he begins his famous contest with the priests of Baal, wherein he mocks them for a day before calling down fire from heaven to prove the reality of Jehovah as greater than their fake and feeble deity. For three years I was trying to make sacrifices at both altars, thinking I could have both lives. But you can’t. Sooner or later we all have to make a choice because, remember, being double-minded is inherently unstable in every way. You either have to choose, or let things collapse. I also felt when I read this verse that unlike the sheepish audience of spectators who “answered him not a word,” I need to be more vocal in declaring that I choose the side of the Lord. This was actually one of the verses where I felt prompted to take up blogging again.

The next footnote reference is Psalm 12:2, which reads:

“They speak vanity every one with his neighbour: with flattering lips and with a double heart do they speak.”

There’s so much to unpack in this verse for me. I wrote a hefty amount in my journal about this one. So much that I might have to share more in another post. The short version is this: I am a people pleaser. It’s part of my personality to want to give others what they want and not disappoint them. This actually played into a lot of the escalation of my online behavior over the last few years. In reading verses like this in the past, I’ve always seen it as a warning to not be led astray by those who try to flatter you into doing what’s wrong. This time it hit me strongly that I was being warned to not be the person with the double heart speaking vanity to my neighbor, and I am naturally prone to being that person. Once again, I’m probably going to expand on this one more in the future.

The final reference is from the book of Hosea, which, you may remember, begins with a beautiful lesson of God’s redemption and forgiveness told through the story of an unfaithful spouse. This reference, however, is from later in the book. Chapter 10 verse 2 says:

“Their heart is divided; now shall they be found faulty: he shall break down their altars, he shall spoil their images.”

If our hearts are divided, we are found “faulty.” If unfixed, we stand the risk of being completely broken down alongside our false altars and spoiled images. And that is where this verse speaks to the very core of integrity, a word we’ve used to refer to moral honesty that holds up even when nobody else is around, but which primarily refers to wholeness or completeness. For example, if you’re a Star Trek fan like I am, you know that when Captain Janeway gets a report from Ensign Kim about Voyager’s “Hull Integrity,” she’s not asking whether the ship is telling lies—she wants to know how close the ship is to breaking into more than one piece! Being “double-minded,” or having a “divided heart” means we lack wholeness.

Growing in integrity means becoming SINGLE-minded, but focused on the right thing: once we stop being halted between our two opinions, we need to choose Jehovah, not Baal! As other scriptures say, we must keep our “eye single to the glory of God.” And that is easier said than done. So many things vie for our attention. And Satan sneaks in not by trying to make us choose between good or evil, but by making us believe we can somehow have both. And for a while you may think you can; but ultimately you discover that being double-minded is truly unstable in all ways.

How Can I Keep From Singing? (Psalms 100:1-5)

I haven't posted in a long time. Too long in fact. I now have heard rumors that I haven't posted because supposedly I "saw the light" and abandoned my "foolish Mormonism." Not so. If my Mormonism is my foolishness, I am more foolish than ever.

That said, the last 4 months have been an interesting emotional journey. I've learned a lot of critical lessons about managing my attractions and about the power and value of positive friendships in various forms. I cannot condense the last 4 months into a single post, so I won't even try. But I have been through one of the darkest periods of depression in my life to a current position of greater renewed faith than I have ever known. And I am happy. Very happy. I have seen the Hand of God very clearly in recent days and have now been blessed to have my eyes opened to see that Hand very evident throughout the events of this summer, even when I couldn't see it at the time.

Being humbled is hard. But worth it. That's what I learned this summer. I learned also above all to trust God above the opinions and half-truths of man. I'm always amazed at how gently and gracefully He can perform such intensive and delicate soul-surgery as He often does on us, eradicating the tumors of imperfection and personality flaw. I know I have many more such tumors to be worked out, but the schedule for the operations is always in His hands, not mine. Perfection requires patience and surrendering our time-tables to his.

When I heard that many were doubting my continued faithfulness, I could not sit back and fail to declare the truth: that I am still on the Lord's side and have to intent of leaving. For He has been so kind to me; so patient with me in my imperfections. I am filled with astonishment at His rich blessings. Two things come to mind: a psalm and a hymn.

First, the 100th Psalm:

1 Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.

 2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

 3 Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

 4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

 5 For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

The third verse is my favorite. It is easy to fall into a trap of self-worship, patting ourselves on the back for all our own accomplishments. We forget that He is the One who made us, and who remakes us again and again, continually perfecting us. He is our shepherd, we are the sheep. Sometimes I'm not a very good sheep, but He doesn't decrease the efficacy of His shepherding towards me. In fact, He increases it in our behalf when we are the ones needing attention. 

One of the blessings I had over this summer was a set of stellar roommates. They were guys I knew before I moved in with them and they became wonderful friends. The one with whom I actually shared a room knew about my SSA before I even moved in and was always so supportive and kind. Then, a few weeks ago the security I had in those roommates got thrown in the air when I had to move unexpectedly due to a contract mix-up. I was thrown into a new apartments with unknown roommates. I was not excited about it at all, and in fact quite worried. But you know what? It has been fantastic. It is what the Lord knew I needed. My random set of roommates has been an unexpected blessing I not only didn't ask for, but even resisted. In fact, I felt prompted and comfortable telling the roommate I actually share my room with about my attractions on the fourth day I knew him. He was not weirded out at all. In fact, he was very understanding. This was a huge relief. Over the summer for the first time ever I grew accustom to having a roommate who knew about me who I could confide in and talk about things with. That roommate was a remarkable help to me. I was very worried about not having that support anymore after growing used to it. And so I was blessed to be given a great roommate who is equally understanding, and I was blessed to be able to discern it within the first week of knowing him. None of my other roommates know, but they are all fantastic, wonderful guys as well. I've also been blessed to not find myself becoming too attached to or infatuated with any of them despite the strong friendships we are all building and the fact that they all generally happen to be rather good looking. None of that has been even the slightest problem. 

Other parts of my life, including my new semester, etc. are also all falling into place and the direction of the Lord is very clear. I am amazed looking at all the blessings He is pouring on me, far more than I deserve. The world still has a lot of problems and I am not exempt. I still have trials I'm managing, and my attractions are still a consideration. But despite all the things I face, I am happy and amazed at God's love. That's where a great traditional Protestant hymn comes to mind that has always been one of my favorites. It is not found in our hymnal, but I wish it was. It is called, "How Can I Keep From Singing?" This is how I feel. The Lord has been so good amidst my trials, that I can't hold back from sharing that message. And that has brought me back my blog after my summer hiatus. (I guess you could say I am personally feeling like, "How Can I Keep from Blogging?"). Anyway, I'll leave you with the beautiful lyrics from that wonderful hymn:

My life flows on in endless song;

Above earth's lamentation,

I hear the sweet, tho' far-off hymn

That hails a new creation;

Thro' all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing;

It finds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

What tho' my joys and comforts die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What tho' the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;

I see the blue above it;

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it;

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,

A fountain ever springing;

All things are mine since I am his--

How can I keep from singing?

 

 

 

My best,

 

Obadiah

"He neither slumbers nor sleeps" (Psalms 121: 4)

I have to admit that I am completely nervous writing this blog. I know it's what God wants me to do, but I have faced an inordinate amount of opposition from the adversary, trying to fill me with discouragment and self-doubt and destroy my confidence over the past day and a half. To tell you the truth, I am still somewhat in the process of accepting my condition, despite the fact that I've felt this way for a very long time. Luckily, the Lord has chosen to help me a lot in return over the past few days as well. In fact, it is only with his prompting that I've decided to share another piece of my story in this post.

I have to be very careful what I disclose on this blog as I'm trying to keep my identity very secret, and honestly, what I'm going to say in this post may be a little more specific than I am comfortable with. However, I must admit that it is quite relevant to my story and the insights I'd like to share, even if it increases the risk that those reading might be more likely to figure out who I am. So here goes:

Besides having same-sex attraction, my life is strongly influenced by an even rarer affliction. I have a rare and severe form of insomnia. I often stay awake for multiple days at a time and many other nights it takes me many hours to get to sleep. Those of you who struggle with SSA can understand the dilemma this creates. Night--after everyone else is asleep--is when the most awful wanderings of thought and temptation set in. Now, I have been blessed with the strength to resist those temptations and stay away from pornography and masturbation, but it is amazing how strong the temptations can be to commit sins you've never fallen into before! Harder to escape than the physical sins of pornography or masturbation are the awful thoughts the mind is capable of conjuring up all on its own. Fantasies of other men are terrible and swift ways to fill a soul with guilt!

Those of my friends who are super busy like I am always tell me how jealous they are that I don't sleep much, as they see the clear advantage of having extra time. What they don't know is that I dread those hours awake and keeping busy is one way to avoid the fantasies and temptations. When the sun is down and everyone else is asleep I have to put my guard up extra high. I try not to use my computer at that point, because I know that all people are vulnerable and a clean track record doesn't guarantee that I won't be pornography's next victim.

How do I deal with that? Sometimes I don't even know, but Psalms 121:4 has always given me lots of hope in this matter:

"Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep"

So, does that mean my insomnia is a Christ-like attribute? :)
Seriously, though, this scripture reminds me that I'm not the only one still awake during those long nights. At first, this used to be a heavy, harrowing thought--as in, you'd better not mess up because God's watching! However, I've come to understand why the passage doesn't say "watcheth," but rather "keepeth." To "keep" is the job of a shepherd. Shepherds don't just watch sheep so they can shake their head in dismay at sheep when they go stray. They KEEP the sheep by helping to bring them back, but more importantly to keep them from straying in the first place! So, knowing that God, like me on many occasions, slumbers not is comforting and strengthening. It means He's there as a resource to help me get through the long nights without giving into temptation. He keeps me, not just watches me.

You may not struggle with insomnia or SSA, but I guarantee that there will be times in your life when you must face your weaknesses and when you will be looking temptation in the eye and nobody will be watching. Whether it is pornography, masturbation, inappropriate fantasies, cheating on a test, substance abuse, skipping out on scriptures or prayer, or anything else... when the temptation comes, remember that God isn't slumbering and is there to offer His strength and support as He keeps and not just watches you.

My best,

Obadiah