The Paradox of Joy and Emotional Health (2 Nephi 2:25)

I knew that trying to begin blogging again as a full-time working husband and father of three with a heavy Church calling would be difficult and inconsistent. My summer was particularly busy, so my blogging fell by the wayside. But I haven’t given up and hope to still post a few more times this year.

I’m currently a facilitator for a weekly Emotional Resilience class offered through the Church’s self-reliance program. My wife and I took this class together in one of the first beta groups last year and got a lot of value out of it. In fact, it was one of the first catalysts in my taking the steps to move forward this year past many of the problems I’d been letting grow as outline in my posts earlier this year. In preparation for the class to begin, the bishopric in my ward asked my to speak in sacrament about mental and emotional health and to mention the class a resource for members. This blog post is adapted from the ideas I expressed in that talk. I don’t write down talks before I give them; I’ve found I give better talks when I just study the topic in depth and then speak by the Spirit, armed with some tabbed scriptures or quotes I know I’m likely to draw on. The advantage of writing this down on the blog is that I have more liberty to give the “director’s cut” without the time constraints of sacrament meeting, so I can share more.

I love studying paradoxes. Unraveling a surprising or difficult intentional contradiction is very satisfying. The scriptures are full of paradoxes, intentionally set up to make us think. An easy and well-known example of a scriptural paradox comes from the Sermon on the Mount when Christ counsels His followers to do good deeds “not… to be seen of men,” but rather “in secret” so that not even our other left hand will know what the right is doing (see Matthew 6:2-4). And yet, only a couple minutes earlier in the same discourse He told them let their light shine by acting so that men “may see your good works” (see Matthew 5:15-16). The key to this very blatant paradox is, of course, intent. He enjoins the shining of our light for the motive of glorifying the Father to lead others to them, while shunning the motive of doing so just to be seen ourselves.

A more complex scriptural paradox is wrapped up in a short but oft-quoted verse in the Book of Mormon. Second Nephi 2:25 states, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” This may not sound immediately like a paradox, but when we think about the two phrases independently, we realize how contradictory this statement can seem.

Let’s start with the first phrase, “Adam fell that men might be.” In many a Sunday School class I’ve heard discussion of this part of the verse focus on Adam and his choice in the garden of Eden. But while that is an important event worth studying, this verse isn’t actually about the man who fell, but about the fall itself. The fall did not just affect Adam and Eve. It affected the world itself and all of us who have come after them. We are all born into a fallen state in a fallen world. It is interesting that this lens reminds us that the fall was not a punishment because we know from other scriptures and notably the second Article of Faith that we are only punished for our own sins, and not Adam’s transgression. Therefore, any consequence of his choice that affects us is clearly not a punishment.

So, the fall is not a punishment; that’s great in theory, but it still can seem like one as we comprehend what the fall really IS. It was the introduction of nearly all forms of hardship into the world. It disrupted the peace of Eden with a natural world constantly at war or filled with dangers. Notably, it also meant a change to the physical bodies of mankind: we would now be prone to sickness, pain, and ultimately death. Adam fell to bring this state of affairs into the world, which was apparently necessary “that men might be.”

Let’s switch to the second clause now for a moment: “men are, that they might have joy.” I wish to clarify an occasional misconception often raised by this verse. It is not a “commandment to be happy.” It isn’t actually a commandment at all, but a statement of what we are working towards. When we interpret this as a commandment, we can draw dangerous conclusions. Notably, we may begin to believe that when we are not happy for any reason that it is because we have done something wrong or are somehow less worthy. God doesn’t have a vendetta against sadness or any other feeling. We know from countless scriptures that He feels those feelings too. In fact, we famously read that “Jesus wept” when he heard the news of Lazarus’ death, even though He already know he was going to raise Lazarus from the grave. So “having joy” does not preclude feeling a full range of emotion, because joy is not the same thing as happiness. I’ve come to understand joy in the scriptural sense as a state of spiritual and emotional completeness. It certainly contains great happiness, but also means we appropriately feel and can control all feelings rather than being controlled by them.

So herein lies the paradox. In light of our understanding of its phrases, we can restate the verse in a more verbose manner thus: In order for us to fulfill our purpose of obtaining joy, we had to pass from the paradisiacal Eden to the imperfect, pain-filled world of noxious weeds, thorns, and thistles, whilst inhabiting a fallen body subject to a profane, untamed natural man. We had to relinquish a seeming pinnacle of happiness in order to ultimately attain joy. We’ve already unraveled some of the paradox by better understanding what joy is—and that full completeness of spirit and emotion could not have been attained in the innocence of Eden.

Recognizing and then comprehending this paradox reveals some deep truths, specifically that out mortal trials are absolutely essential. So essential, in fact, that God would never do us the disservice of taking them all away from us, for in Eden we can’t find true joy. He does, however, help us learn to overcome of better carry those trials.

Specifically regarding the subject of emotional and mental health, the Lord, by way of the Fall, has given EVERYONE a challenge, though it is greater for some than others. The experience of emotion is a complicated dance between body and spirit which together constitute “the soul of man” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). We know enough from the relatively light scriptural insight into the pre-mortal realm to know that we experienced emotions of both happiness (see Job 38:7) and sadness (Isaiah 14:12) and assumedly other emotions as well with only spirit bodies. And yet, we also know that our bodies have built-in systems of hormones and receptors which regulate how we experience those emotions, using chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. This is an essential part of a physical body, intended to work in this manner to enhance how we experience and process our emotions and feelings in order to be more like God, who also has a physical body. However, it also means we can be vulnerable to being controlled by the natural man and vice versa.

Because of the conditions of the fall, these physical systems are imperfect and untamed, even when they are functioning completely “normal” from a medical perspective. The natural man has man has been “an enemy of God” since “the fall of Adam,” and it lives in every one of us (see Mosiah 3:19). We are prone to uncontrolled anger, fear, and other emotions that can cause us to act against God even if nothing is wrong with our physical systems for emotional processing. Of course, sometimes our physical systems can be compromised. This may be obvious in the case of a broken leg, but often less so in the case of a broken serotonin receptor. And because we sometimes believe in the nonexistent “commandment to be happy” we may be prone to treating a physical condition as if it is a sign of spiritual failing, which will definitely enhance depression rather than solve it.

We thus have two main reasons we may face emotional or mental instability in this life at different times:

1.       The natural man not being made to “yield.” This will be experienced by EVERYONE at different points during their life.

2.       Actual physical problems affecting the emotional processing systems in our bodies, which will affect some people but not everyone.

There are a variety of options to address both of the above root causes. Sadly I’ve seen sometimes in the Church a strong cultural resistance to therapy or medical solutions, even to the second cause. If you broke a bone, nobody would find it unacceptable to go to the doctor and seek help. But for some reason getting help for our emotional systems, some of which may on occasion be only reparable with medication, is seen as taboo. There is a tendency to think a cast for broken bones but prayers for broken feelings. This makes no sense, and according to Brigham Young, it’s also poor doctrine. People would often come to him seeking a blessing for various ailments and he would always first ask if they’d seen a doctor for the problem. If they answered “no” because they simply wanted to be healed by faith, then he would refrain from giving them a blessing, stating, “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.”

I’ve learned a lot this year about the importance of mental and emotional health and the healing journey has been remarkable. I’ve begun experiencing greater measures of joy as I’ve attended therapy and gotten help. It has strengthened me spiritually. I know that God truly desires to give us, as he states in Second Timothy 2:7, “power, love, and a sound mind.” We do that by working through and learning from our trials rather than asking them to be taken away from us. Remember, Adam gave up Eden so that you could have your trials! And with those trials we can ultimately cause that natural man to “become a saint” and find our fulness of joy.

I hope that if you are experiencing an emotional or mental health challenge, whether caused by spiritual or physical problems, that you are also able to seek and get the help you need. There are some great resources in the Emotional Resilience class materials the Church has produced, which you can access by following the link below. From there, you can download the PDF to get the manual; it also contains links to all the videos used in the course.

Emotional Resilience (churchofjesuschrist.org)

Help Thou Mine Unbelief (Mark 9:24)

Nearly twelve years ago, shortly after I returned home from my mission, I moved in with my grandmother to provide some live-in caregiving and have a free place to stay as I prepared to start attending BYU. She loved to watch movies in the evenings and I did a lot of catching up on movies I’d missed while on my mission while I was there. One evening my uncle stopped by with a movie I had not heard and he insisted we needed to watch it. The film was “Doubt” starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the story of a nun (played by Streep) who suspects that the new Father in their parish (Hoffman) is sexually abusing some of the altar boys. In the end she fights to get him reassigned based entirely on her conviction and circumstantial evidence. At the end she delivers a heart-wrenching monologue to another nun (Amy Adams) questioning whether she’s done the right thing and sobs that she has “such doubts.” The film notably does not ever really let you know whether he was in fact guilty, because that wasn’t the point. The point of the story was a woman’s efforts to act with conviction to do what she truly believed was right in the face of doubt. It was for me a poignant film that spoke highly to one of my great struggles: that of doubt.

Back in February when I was disclosing my transgressions of the last few years to my Bishop, he said something that resonated deeply with me. He explained that just as I should always expect the possibility that I will be attracted to men my whole life, I will similarly always experience the trial of doubt, and will have to navigate that trial and make choices despite the pressure of that trial. This was actually very eye-opening to me and immediately struck me as true. It’s interesting that I have settled to a point of calm with my attraction to men for nearly a decade now. But I have never thought of doubt in that same way as something I will simply continue to experience and need to plan for the long haul. And yes, I know some of you are thinking that if I really was at peace with my attractions, why did I do the things I did these last few years? But truthfully, my actions weren’t because of my attractions; sure, those influenced the flavor, so to speak, of the transgressions, but the choices themselves were more a crisis of both unresolved trauma requiring therapy and of a crisis of faith caused by unchecked doubt.

Two posts ago I explained a lot more of the details of my various transgressions over the last few years, and explained how I came to understand what the scriptures refer to as being a “double-minded man.” After explaining at length in that post what that means, I wanted to follow-up and counter with what it isn’t. Being double-minded doesn’t mean having conflicting feelings, thoughts, inclinations, or temptations. Double-minded is when we actively try to live both of those things or try to give place for both sides. In fact, only minutes after publishing that post in late March, I read this quote from an excellent interview with three historians on the Joseph Smith Papers Project, regarding those who struggle with questions:

A friend of mine gave this advice. If you have two beliefs in your mind that appear to be contradictory, you can allow them to coexist. For example, you may have a spiritual witness of the Book of Mormon that led you to become converted to the church, and at the same time you may have questions or doubts about some aspect of church history. It is totally compatible to have a testimony of the gospel and the Restoration while having questions or confusion about some aspects of the history. Questions and doubts are natural. Turn to the Lord in humility and be patient as you wait for his help and his answers. Seek, seek, seek, and wait, wait, wait for answers. Don’t stop doing the spiritual things while you are seeking and waiting. Sometimes the answer is to be at peace with something even though you don’t understand it. The answers and comfort and peace you seek will come, and they will come through the Spirit. I know many people whose testimonies became stronger after periods of doubt and uncertainty.

Note that second sentence. You CAN have two contradictory beliefs without resolution and I don’t think this makes you “double-minded” in the sense I was describing. Once again, double-mindedness occurs when we try to ACT in contradictory ways and live two conflicting realities—a way of living I became quite familiar with.

I have for years carried great guilt and shame for my doubts. I now realize that my doubts are no more reason for guilt or shame than my attraction to men, my love for chocolate, or my penchant for music by Rachmaninoff. These are all things I experience, and they CAN influence my decision-making, some for better, some for worse, and some for neutral. But it’s the choices that matter. I gave a lot of place to grow and entertain and act upon my doubts. That was my choice, and I am responsible for those choices. But having doubt is simply part of my nature.

I think some confusion on this matter comes from how some scriptures are worded, which may require a distinguishing of how the same terminology can be meant in different ways. For example, Doctrine & Covenants 6:36 says, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” We are here commanded not to doubt, which can certainly lead to feelings of shame or guilt when we inevitably experience doubts. But I think this scripture, like any scripture that is commandment, is still speaking only to our choices. Maybe I’m pulling at semantic straws here, but I think there is big difference between experiencing doubt and choosing actively to doubt. And I’m kind of an authority on the subject because I’ve experienced a lot of both! I don’t think the Lord condemns us for our doubts, but He may chasten us for what we choose to do with them. We can choose to reach to Him when we doubt. Two stories from the New Testament illustrate this principle well.

In Mark chapter nine, we read of a desperate father with a child overcome with “a dumb spirit” and seemingly from the description, perhaps several medical maladies of various sorts. He loves his son and has tried many things to help him for years. In desperation he has already come to the disciples, who have been unsuccessful in helping him. He now has come directly to Jesus to petition for relief. Christ counsels him in verse 23, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” Without hesitation (“straightaway” in the scriptural parlance) the father in verse 24 “cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” The Lord then heals the man’s son. The man in the story acknowledged his doubts. But he has clearly acted in faith, trying repeatedly for years to seek healing for his son. He has held onto his faith after repeatedly pleading and seeing no miracles yet through all that time. When even the Savior’s disciples, who by then already had their own reputations as miracle-workers, could also not cure him, he had every reason to give into those doubts. But he acted in faith. He cried out, with tears, for the Lord to bless him for whatever faith he could muster and fill in the gaps where his faith fell short. And the Lord blessed him for acting in faith rather than rebuking him for experiencing doubt.

On another particularly famous occasion, as recorded in Matthew chapter fourteen, Christ’s apostles are struggling in a boat without him amidst a storm. They’ve already seen him calm a storm previously, but now they are without him as they cross the sea of Galilee and fear for their lives. Just then they see him, miraculously, walking across the water towards them. His bold chief apostle Peter immediately asks permission to do the same. As we know, he walks a few steps and then, seeing the “boisterous wind” begins to sink in his fear. He immediately cries out for the Lord to save him, and the Lord does so. When I hear people recount this story a lot of emphasis is often placed on Peter’s doubt, as if to hold him up as a bad example of faith. But I would ask, how many other disciples even got out of the boat? Peter’s faith let him walk on water. He DID doubt, but even when he did, his immediate response was to call out to the Lord for help. What a wonderful example and spiritual victory! The point of the story, to me, is not that Peter doubted, but that he acted in faith and when confronted with doubt, he called on the Lord for help. We will all experience doubt, and when we call on the Lord to help us amidst those doubts, he will do so instead of letting us drown because we doubted.

Interestingly, and as an echo to the counsel my bishop gave me, it seems Peter continued to struggle with doubt his whole life as well. There are several instances which show glimpses of that doubt during the Savior’s ministry, but even long after when Peter has been leading the Church for a decade, we read in Acts 10:17 that Peter continued to face doubts, even in the moments after receiving glorious visions from on high. Peter was a man who faced doubts and acted in faith and it seems abundantly clear that the Lord is very pleased with his ministry and the bold acts of faith he made despite being someone who chronically experienced doubt. His sometimes-great doubts coexisted with his faith—a faith mighty enough to walk on water. I experience the comingling of doubt and faith every day.

So, having established that the experience of doubt does not condemn us, we turn now to the choices which can. May I offer some terminology to clarify this distinction? The doubt in these two stories I would term passive doubt: a condition which we deal with wherein we naturally will experience doubt while in mortality, and which may coexist with mighty faith. A second term would be active doubt: when we choose to act in doubt rather than acting in faith. This can be in subtle ways we entertain those doubts and begin spending time trying to align our beliefs more with our doubts than our faith. In can be in more flagrant ways, such as using our doubts as justification for our behaviors of unfaithfulness to our spouse. This is the form of doubt which we are counseled against when told to “doubt not, fear not.”

While studying references related to doubt, I was initially surprised to see a passage I’ve actually considered to be a hallmark scripture on faith listed in the Topical Guide under “Doubt.” In fact, I referenced this scripture in my last post to demonstrate how the scriptures build faith. But, sure enough, there is in the middle of the verse, a warning about active doubt. The verse is Alma 32:28, which reads (with my emphasis):

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

In the middle we see a caution to not cast the seed out because of our unbelief or doubt. In doing so we “resist” the Lord. He sends us His Spirit and the scriptures to entice us towards doing what is right. Active doubt tries to build a defense system against those spiritual pulls. Sometimes we WANT our doubts to win, so that we don’t have to accept the harder parts of the gospel. I certainly have been there. And of course, the sad result of doing so is missing out on the “delicious” fruit of the gospel which grows when we act in faith instead, even if the best we can do to act in faith is to cry out for help when the doubt seems too great, even as Peter and the afflicted boy’s father did.

Active doubt is, of course, self-sustaining. When we act in doubt, we breed greater doubt. And acting against the commandments naturally breeds doubt as our brains have to grab a life raft of justification to keep from being crushed under a blanket of cognitive dissonance. The Lord warns us of this in Deuteronomy, a book which serves as the Lord’s ancient dissertation on faithfulness to covenant life. In chapter 28 we are warned of the effects and natural consequences of sin. Among those consequences, we are warned in verse 66 that our lives will “hang in doubt” when we turn away from the Lord. So active doubt breeds sin breeds more doubt.

The great turning point of regaining my testimony this year after years of repeating that cycle of active doubt began when in desperation I prayed privately for the Lord to help me feel my faith, or in other words, to help me in mine unbelief. Reflecting back on this consequential prayer I offered five months ago, I note that I did not find myself praying for relief from sexual addiction or temptation. I was praying for faith amidst doubt and to feel the influence of the Spirit which I had cast out and resisted, and that is what helped everything start to turn for me. I still experience doubts. Some days they are small and some days they seem mighty and overwhelming. But I am choosing faith, because I also experience faith. Some days it seems small and some days it feels mighty and empowering. But I’m learning to not condemn myself for the current status of my mix of faith and passive doubt. I am choosing to act in faith and leave active doubt behind, and it has begun to be delicious to me. I feel the Lord offering the miracle of spiritual healing and pulling me from the depths of the sea before I drown. And those witnesses are building my faith. The overall trajectory is upwards, even if there is some oscillation along the way. And I have hope that through Christ I will continue to conquer my doubts through controlling them, even if I recognize that they will be with me for the long run.

--Obadiah

Sword and Lamp, Bread and Rain, Rod and Seed (D&C 14:2)

In the descriptive paragraph atop this blog, I define it as the story of my relationship with the scriptures. As I’ve been tracing “what went wrong” (see the last two posts if you haven’t already) in recent years, one of the clearest causes I’ve identified was letting my personal scripture study fall by the wayside. One of the great joys of my repentance has been a new courtship with the scriptures, and so far, we’ve had some really great dates!

I’ve tried hard to study the weekly “Come,Follow Me” chapters each week, as well as some conference talks and personal topical study. The first week I started really re-committing to a never-miss-a-day habit of scripture study back in February, the “Come, Follow Me” chapters for the week included Doctrine and Covenants 14, and a study activity in that week’s personal study outline included a list of cross references for verse 2, which compares the scriptures to a sword. Each cross reference lists another metaphor for the scriptures. It was a delightfully appropriate thing to focus on as I rebooted my scripture study habit and explored how I want to use the scriptures going forward. I’d like to share some of the insights I gained from that activity.

The initial verse the activity references from the reading block, as mentioned, is Doctrine and Covenants 14:2, which says:

Behold, I am God; give heed to my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my word.

This initial metaphor makes the scriptures sound almost menacing at a first glance. But looking at each descriptive word used here, I think we see a different message:

• The Word is QUICK: It creates change, and does so rapidly, as soon as we humbly receive it. I’ve distinctly noticed a rapid, incredible change in my life over the last two months as I’ve re-immersed myself in the scriptures each day. 
• The Word is POWERFUL: It facilitates MIGHTY change. In other passages the Lord specifically points to the scriptures as one of the great conduits to unlock the blessings of the Atonement in our lives. How much more powerful could it get than that?
• The Word is SHARP: Like a sword diving joints and marrow, the scriptures divide between good and evil. It can be painful to receive the truths when they cause us discomfort! It is not something to be taken lightly.

The Word as a Sword is not meant as a threat—though it contains a warning to give respect. It is a reminder of the immense power of the scriptures to change our lives if we allow it to pierce our hearts.

Following is a collection of the additional insights I gained about the scriptures by reading the other references in the “Come, Follow Me” activity:

Psalm 119:105 reads:

                Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

A favorite religion professor at BYU used to tell me, “A psalm a day keeps the devil away, so if every day you read a psalm while eating an apple, you can go all day without seeing any doctors or lawyers!” All joking aside, the psalms truly are beautiful and number 119 is one of the greatest (as a child randomly perusing the scriptures during sacrament meetings, I loved looking through that one just because it has the letters of the Hebrew alphabet listed throughout, and I thought they looked cool).

I love the imagery in this line. The Word is a lamp to our FEET. It is a guidance system, showing us which way to walk. It often isn’t going to show us everything—just enough to help us move forward a bit in the right direction. Sometimes we may be left a little confused because we don’t have enough light to see the whole journey.

Isaiah 55:10-11 reads:

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Matthew 4:4 reads:

But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

These two passages both speak of God’s Word as nourishment. Isaiah compares it to rain that nourishes the land, while the passage from Matthew compares it to bread that nourishes the body. Isaiah’s comparison mentions that God expects a return on His investment when He sends the rain, and so with us and the scriptures. He sends them to grow our souls. We recently had a Family Night lesson with our children where we compared our testimonies to plants. We don’t have a particularly great track record with house plants, and some of them often look pretty scraggly. But some are very resilient, and even if pieces of them die, they can usually be nourished back to health. The longer we go without adding the water of God’s word consistently to our testimonies, the weaker they get. But as soon as we begin watering again, we revive and nourish the plant.

The bread analogy also in instructive in its phrasing, that by the Word of God we LIVE. Our whole lives our made better by studying the scriptures. It doesn’t just nourish our testimonies. Our marriage, our self-worth, even our skills and talents can all be improved upon when we take time each day to feast upon the Bread of Life.

First Nephi 15:23-24 reads:

And they said unto me: What meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?

And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.

Alma 32:28 reads:

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

Here we see two particularly famous analogies from the Book of Mormon. In the first, perhaps the most famous comparison in Latter-day Saint theology, we have a comparison reminiscent of the lamp in Psalm 119: it is a guidance system, but not one which shows us the entire path, just enough for us to rely on one step at a time. Much has been spoken previously and talks have been given about the differences in results for those who never grabbed the rod, versus those who merely were “clinging” to the rod, versus those who were “continually holding fast.” I have seen that difference keenly in recent years. I’ve seen how reading your scriptures is better than not reading, but better still is studying them. The difference is a matter of intent, of effort, and perhaps approach.

The second analogy here, from Alma, connects to the earlier nourishment analogies, but here the formula is flipped: the Word is the seed and WE have to nourish it to let it grow within us. And of course we see and feel the true growth of ourselves as we do. But, like the rod analogy, there is a suggestion here of effort needed. As a poor graveyard of dead houseplants that have entered the doors of our home can testify, plants need constant care, not just casual appreciation.

If you are looking to increase your scripture study, the best advice I can possibly give is to keep a study journal. A wise seminary teacher told me, “your pen is your lightning rod for inspiration!” I have found this to be remarkably true. When I approach the scriptures with journal and pen in hand and write the date at the top before I begin, it’s like I’m telling the Lord, “I am read to receive, so please send me something!” I then just start writing down my reactions to what I’m reading and sometimes learn a lot more that way. On occasion, I even find this is the best way to unlock spiritual moments of true revelation while studying. Deep moments like that won’t happen every time you study with a journal, but I’ve rarely ever had them happen without.

I’m happy to say that for two months as of today I haven’t missed a day of at least reading the scriptures, and most of those days it has been real studying. That’s the longest streak I’ve had in years, and so far just in these two months I’ve seen incredible healing, on par with that received through therapy, connection, and other parts of my repentance process. And, of course, that makes sense: the scriptures are a direct conduit to the power of the Atonement with its transformative power.

Judging (Matthew 7:1-2)

This post is going to try to put into words some muddled thoughts on a difficult subject. I got some interesting emails after last week's post on male modesty. Most troubling were some of the bitter accusations I got about being judgmental. Anyone who had also read my earlier post on modesty from February would realize that my intent has never been to "judge" or condemn anyone. But I feel like we are starting to live in a world where to stand for any value or standard has begun to be interpreted automatically as "judging" anyone who doesn't agree with that standard. Just because I don't drink coffee is no reason to assume that I am constantly shaking my finger at anyone I see who does drink coffee. In fact, I don't even drink soda! That is a personal choice on my part, but I've never seen someone drinking a soda and think, "boy, they sure aren't as good of a person as they could be if they'd stop drinking soda." Likewise, my choice to not run shirtless should not be interpreted to mean that I think I'm a generally better person than those who do or that they are evil.

2 weeks ago Elder Holland gave a CES fireside address which discussed, among other things, the difficult subject of JUDGING. It is a fantastic talk, and if you didn't see it, you can by clicking here. This post will manage to address, however feebly, my own thoughts on this difficult subject.

It seems to me that one of the large problems that arises with this subject is a fundamental ambiguity regarding the use of the term "judging." What do we mean when we say that we feel others are judging us? The most primitive Hebrew and Greek root forms of the words translated "judge" in the Bible basically mean to discern. In other words, if I see you do something and cognitively process that you have done that thing, I have just made a judgment. This is automatic and often a necessary part of interaction which is essential to our understanding of the world and cannot/should not be avoided. I don't think this is what is meant when someone feels they are "being judged" by someone. In fact, I've been thinking all week about what we DO mean when say that. It is harder to define than we may immediately think given how often we throw the term around. The best I can conclude is that the person who feels like they are being "judged" feels like they have been assessed some form of disapproval from the other person. This may or may not be true, but it is certainly what the allegedly "judged" person perceives to be the truth. Ironically, as a result, the "judged" person often does in fact return an actual disapproving assessment of the supposed judger. In other words, when most people complain that others are judging them, they are in fact judging those other people. (I know that was complicated. Hopefully it made sense.)

Here are some additional questions I've pondered this week on the subject of judging. I don't have answers to all of them, though I certainly have opinions and thoughts on most of them. Mostly, I think they are simply important questions to ponder regardless of whether we can pin down a concrete answer for all or any of them:

*Is it possible to disapprove of an action we observe without negatively assessing the person who does the thing?

*Is making a personal decision about what we consider right and wrong the same as judging that action for all other people when we observe them doing it?

*Can we truly believe in the concept of moral law without believing some actions are wrong?

*How much does our assessment of others' actions matter?

*How much does others' assessment of our actions matter?

I hope you had fun pondering those. I imagine I'm going to continue to ponder them for some time now. Another thing I've pondered and tried to understand is the well-known and oft-quoted passage from the Sermon on the Mount:

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." (Matt. 7:1-2)

Note that these are among those verses which are not altered at all in the 3 Nephi retelling of the Sermon on the Mount (albeit there is a narrative transition added to the beginning of the first verse).

From the ancient source texts, forms of the Greek word krino are used 5 times in those 2 verses. This is that primitive verb meaning "to discern" and a far greater number of both Old and New Testament passages tell us that is is something we SHOULD do. But the word "judgment" in verse 2 is actually a more specific noun form (krima) which denotes an actual pronouncement of condemnation. As this is the only connotation we can assign to the other 4 neutral krino forms in the verses, it seems like the best interpretation looking at it from this perspective would be "Condemn not, that ye be not condemned." Elsewhere, of course, Christ tells us that we SHOULD "judge righteous judgment" (John 7:24). This Greek basically connotes to discern the good that people do.

Ultimately, the more I study this subject, the more it seemingly increases in ambiguity. There is a bit of a contradiction in Christ's commands that we both should and shouldn't judge, but I *think* (and this is certainly a fluid opinion on my part) that the point He's trying to convey is this: we should not occupy ourselves thinking about the bad others do, but we should take note of the good they do. That being said, it would be unwise for us to never discern whether an action is good or bad. We simply needn't preoccupy ourselves with those actions we deem inappropriate and we should never neglect to see the good in everyone wherever it is found.

Sometimes it is our job or stewardship to judge the deeds of others and even to offer correction. The role of parents is often to help correct a child in order to help them become an upstanding and morally concerned contributor to society. Teachers cannot truly help a student grow if they aren't willing to assess weaknesses and points for correction. In these and similar instances, discerning weakness is necessary, including even commentary and feedback on those weaknesses. If our focusing on a weakness is not for the intent to lift someone higher or is not appropriately within our stewardship, it probably isn't a wise thing for us to make public or to dwell on.

I know this post hasn't been very logically ordered thus far, perhaps because it reflects my disjoint and inconclusive thoughts on the subject. But overall most of my advice and thoughts have focused on those who judge. Now a few thoughts for those who feel judged by others:

First of all, for the most part it doesn't matter what others think about you, and you may not be correct anyway. You are not a telepath. We desire acceptance and fear losing it, so we often jump to the conclusion that the absence of a positive affirmation of our actions automatically assumes a negative assessment. Second of all, sometimes our assumptions about the judgments of others are actually a reflection of our own arguments with ourselves. Change is difficult and when we don't want to change (even when deep down we know we need to) we build walls of justification that can also involve assigning blame to others who are "judging us" as a defense. They may not have thought about anything you've done, but regardless of whether or not they have, your perceptions of their thoughts are more likely a manifestation of your own argument with yourself about the relative good or bad of your own actions. Sometimes this might mean that the correct course is actually to humbly listen and look for ways to improve rather than to fight back. And if you know you are doing the right thing, then it doesn't matter what others think about you. Let them think you are evil if they want to; if you are a good person then God will take note, regardless of the opinions of others around you. He's smarter than they are. And don't judge them in return. If they are judging you, their underlying intent is most likely to safeguard themselves from doing things that are wrong. That isn't always the case, but quite often a person may judge even inappropriately with the best of intentions because they, like you, are also imperfect.

Anyway, I hope this made sense. It has not been my first post on judging and I'm sure it won't be my last. Commentary is welcome.

My best,

Obadiah

Straining at Gnats, Swallowing Camels (Matthew 23:24-28)

I'm going to be completely up front with you: I'm in a rather "soap-box-ish" mood right now as I write this post. But I'm going to try not to get TOO heated in bringing an important topic to the table.

Many of you, especially others of you in Provo, probably found yourselves scratching your heads this week over a viral story revolving around modesty and the BYU honor code. If not, let me tell you the now well-known Valentine's Day story of Brittany Molina, who that day was dressed like this:

She was handed a note by a stranger while she was studying on campus. Initially flattered to receive a secret Valentine, she unfolded it to learn that is was not a love note at all. Instead, it offered her the following rebuke: "You may want to consider that what you're wearing has a negative effect on men (and women) around you. Many people come to this university because they feel safe, morally as well as physically, here. They expect others to abide by the Honor Code that we all agreed on. Please consider your commitment to the Honor Code (which you agreed to) when dressing each day. Thank you."

Yeah, I know. I was confused too. Scroll up again. I couldn't quite see how her appearance would inspire unhealthy thoughts in men (but then again, I'm not the most qualified guy to judge that either). Anyway, clearly it seems like even if the young man was having issues with his thoughts because of what she was wearing, he went about things the wrong way. Definitely overreacted. At least she seems to have been a good sport about it and posted the picture, the story, and the note on Twitter herself, leading to its viral proliferation.

But anyway, while that story is at least to a degree amusing, the next one I have for you is not. With campus abuzz with Brittany's story, I became privy to another conversation about modesty that quickly turned into something quite different. A group of students was discussing how so many girls break the honor code by wearing immodest clothing. This led to a discussion of the evils in the world corrupting the morals we stand for, which led a discussion of how liberals are ruining the world. Ultimately, a conclusion was reached, half-jokingly, to "burn all the liberals, burn all the gays."

This isn't the first time I've heard such things said. And who hasn't heard the classic line of "stick all the gays on an island together" at least once or twice before? It usually doesn't bug me as much as it did this time, and I think the reason was because of their purported devotion to the honor code just a couple minutes before. I thought of the words of Christ when he rebuked the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23:24-38, saying,

24 Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.
25 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within are full of extortion and excess.
26 Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.
27 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.
28 Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.

Now, this passage is a little harsh. It is, honestly, TOO harsh for this situation. I am certainly not here to condemn these students to the same degree Christ condemned the Pharisees. However, I think there are some important principles here that apply. Perhaps what bugged me the most is that they were so passionate about maintaining that a skirt that is an inch too short violates the honor code, but apparently don't think that hate speech does. This is what Christ referred to when he spoke of those who would "strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel." They made very public displays out of expressing their utter abhorrence for the breaking of tiny technical parts of the law of Moses, but were at the same time violating much more important commands, especially as regards the deeper, principle levels of the law. And that's how I feel we must be acting when we very publicly condemn girls for a few inches of fabric, but disregard what Christ called one of the "Great Commandments," to love our neighbors as ourselves. If you are deficient in love for your fellow men, then I don't care how modestly you dress--you've become merely a whited sepulchre or a vessel clean only on the outside; you "outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy."

Now, let me be clear: I am in no way advocating the swallowing of gnats! There is certainly danger in people pointing to others swallowing camels and using it to justify their own gnat swallowing. By all means I support the principle of modesty and adherence to those outward parts of the BYU honor code. But without clean inner vessels, you aren't really remotely living any code of honor. There is no honor in making degrading comments about others who are different from you. In April Conference of 2006, Pres. Hinckley spoke about the evils of hate speech, specifically regarding race, though it seems his remarks can be equally applied to any hate speech made based on differences in orientation, religion, race, gender, or any other factor. He said:

"Now I am told that racial slurs and denigrating remarks are sometimes heard among us. I remind you that no man who makes disparaging remarks concerning those of another race can consider himself a true disciple of Christ. Nor can he consider himself to be in harmony with the teachings of the Church of Christ...

"Throughout my service as a member of the First Presidency, I have recognized and spoken a number of times on the diversity we see in our society. It is all about us, and we must make an effort to accommodate that diversity.

"Let us all recognize that each of us is a son or daughter of our Father in Heaven, who loves all of His children.

"Brethren, there is no basis for racial hatred among the priesthood of this Church. If any within the sound of my voice is inclined to indulge in this, then let him go before the Lord and ask for forgiveness and be no more involved in such."

Can it be any more clear than that? 

Now, that being said I must also add a caveat that I've seen the door swing in the other direction sometimes. I've sadly seen other same-sex attracted men get tangled up in deep sexual transgression while decrying a lack of tolerance in others. Don't let the gnats of others allow you to try justifying your camels! Will others judge you whether you are righteous or not? YES THEY WILL! But does their judging make your sins excusable? Absolutely not. And that applies to any sin and every person. 

My suggestion? Take further advice from Christ given on another occasion when he encouraged us to look for the beams in our own eyes before removing the mote (i.e. twig) in our neighbor's. Focus on discovering whatever gnats or camels you are swallowing and eliminate those rather than decrying the wretched evils of what your neighbor is doing. I mean, honestly, how likely are you to help your neighbor when you approach him in a spirit of self-righteousness and without love in your heart? Not very likely. Work on your own inner vessels, and let it begin with the great commandments: to love God, and to love your fellow beings. 

I hope I haven't sounded TOO bitter in this post. I honestly am sure that those students on the whole are great people and maybe just need a little guidance in a few things. So do I. Don't we all? 

My best,

Obadiah

Souvenirs from Hell and the Altar of Sacrifice (Matthew 5:29-30)

A couple "announcements" before I begin this post:

* Since pretty much the very beginning of this I've been on Twitter. Last week I created a Facebook for Obadiah as well. Some of the other blogs have done this as well by creating a page you can "like" on Facebook. I've decided to try a different approach as an experiment: I actually just created a regular profile for Obadiah. In other words, it's a regular account that instead of "liking" you can add as a friend. I want to connect with other people whether or not they are Mormon and whether or not they experience same-sex attraction. If you friend me, I'll accept (unless you are clearly a spam-bot). However, if you are trying to drag a bunch of negative content that is highly anti-Mormon or demeaning to homosexuals, I will unfriend you. So, as I say regarding posting comments here on the blog, "play nice." :)
If you want to "friend" me, here's the link to my profile: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003320193724 

* Second, I've done a lot of interacting online and blogging over the Christmas break. A new semester starts tomorrow, so I can't promise I'll be online as much. The good news is that I'm taking a pretty laid-back semester compared to previous ones, so I will still have time to keep this us as well. After all, I STARTED this blog amidst the craziness of final projects and exams for a much crazier and difficult semester than this next one will be. I just want to thank all of you who have read up to this point and for your support! I have been truly touched by all the amazing people out there who have sent such encouragement to me. :)

Anyway, on to today's thoughts...

One month ago I wrote a post called "Looking to Lust" which commented on some verses about lusting from the Sermon on the Mount. I explored the 3 Nephi version of those verses and commented that these few verses show some of the biggest differences between the two versions of the Sermon on the Mount. Today I'd like to focus on two verses in this part of the sermon that the Matthew account includes but which the 3 Nephi version doesn't--kind of like the opposite of what I did last time! Here's two verses that occur in the Matthew version but not in 3 Nephi. They also are among those rare but important fragments of the Sermon on the Mount to make into both Mark and Luke as well. You're probably very familiar with them:

29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if they right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

These are kind of unusual verses. Chew on them for a little bit while I go on a slight [relevant] tangent. In my last post I mentioned a touching verse from Isaiah chapter 56 about our sacrifices being accepted by the Lord. You may recall how much that verse meant to me when I read it the first time in relation to same-sex attraction and the choices I've made to stay chaste despite a desire to be with another man, and the happiness that decision has brought me. It was so reassuring to me to read that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. Then, yesterday morning I had a very special experience. The time had come for me to journey back to Provo, but before I left I was able to have an experience unique up to this point in my life: to receive a priesthood blessing of counsel and comfort specifically addressing my same-gender attraction. Because nobody has ever known about it before until the last month of my life, I've never been able to seek any such blessing in the past. But yesterday before I left my parent's home, I was able to receive a blessing from my father. My father is a fantastic and spiritual man. He has shown nothing but absolute love for me in the past week he's known about my SSA, despite the fact that I can tell it was more difficult news for him to hear than he wanted me to see. I think it is hard mainly because it is difficult for him to comprehend and because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I'm also almost certain that he hasn't read my blog (he knows about it, but I think he's still wrapping his mind around everything), and in fact my mom told me as much. That's perfectly fine. It also makes the blessing he gave me all the more amazing. You see, despite the fact that he had not read my most recent post, the first thing he told me in the blessing he gave was those same words which had touched me so deeply: that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. He continued to speak, by the inspiration of the spirit, a very personal and meaningful blessing that touched pretty much exclusively on the most pressing questions and worries I've had as of late. I could tell that the blessing was NOT influenced by any biases or misunderstandings about SSA that my father may or may not have. It was almost like, for 2-3 minutes my father understood everything I was going through. Honestly, this is probably due to the fact that the Savior does understand how I feel and what I go through and can inspire worthy, in-tune priesthood holders to speak appropriate words of comfort according to that understanding.

Anyway, the beginning of that blessing caused me to reflect even more on the idea of sacrifice and laying certain desires, habits, worldly goods, etc. on the figurative altar of sacrifice. I pondered this thought continually for most of the drive back to Provo. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis, from his masterpiece work The Great Divorce. In the introduction to the book he says:

"There is no heaven with a little of hell in it--no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets. If we insist on keeping Hell (or even earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell. Out Satan must go, every hair and feather."

Profound words, eh? This, I truly believe, is what is meant by the verses I quoted from the Sermon on the Mount: that whatever we are asked to give up to gain heaven, no matter how much we love that thing, it is worth the price we will pay. I watched a new movie last week called "Dolphin Tale." I hope you've heard of it, and that you don't think it's a silly kid's movie like the title may suggest. It's actually a great film starring Harry Connick, Jr. and Morgan Freeman based on a true story, about the plight of several individuals who lose limbs as well as a dolphin who loses its tale. Each must adjust to the difficult life of being without an appendage they've largely taken for granted their entire lives. Have you ever known someone missing a limb? So have I. They'll likely tell you that although they have happy lives, they probably wouldn't willingly choose to give up a limb. I share this to give perspective to the verses from Matthew. What if God asked you to give up your arm? Note that the word "offend" in the verses would be better rendered "cause you to stumble." In other words, if there is anything that stands between us and heaven, we must be willing to give it up--even if we love it. I really like my right eye (despite the fact that is slightly more near-sighted than my left one). I also really like my right hand. I don't want to give up either one! What are other things I really like? Well, I like mountains; I like music; I like chocolate. The list could go on and on. If God asked me to never see mountains again or to never hear music, am I ready to give those up? If God asked me to give up chocolate??? (eek!) I think I am ready to honestly give those things up if God asked me too.

In my last post, I spoke of sacrificing the possibility of living in a life-long relationship with a man. I've made that decision, and, as I've said, I am very happy with it. Then I had an interesting thought: What if God asked me to give up my attractions to men? The answer may seem obvious: of course! Take it away! Get rid of it once and for all! But actually, my initial reaction was a resistance to that very thought. I think 2 months ago I absolutely would have responded that "obvious" way. However, now as I've begun the process of accepting my body's natural patterns of attraction and coming to peace with them, I've been learning to love that side of myself, despite my plans to marry a woman. After all, the Lord doesn't want me to hate myself, especially for something that isn't even a sin. I deeply believe that part of the human experience is the struggle between two dichotomous desires: the desire to fit in and be accepted, and the desire to be unique and different. My same-gender attraction for many years was, in my mind, the antagonist of the first desire. Lately, it has instead become the friend of the second desire. I like that this experience makes me different! I'm learning to appreciate attraction rather than despise myself for it, for I know full well where I stand and I never let my thoughts go into forbidden territory or "look to lust" as the post I mentioned earlier discussed. And since it isn't a sin, it isn't really a "souvenir from hell" is it?

Well, maybe. Note that C.S. Lewis mentions not only the evil "hell," but also the neutral "earth" as being something we can't hold onto if we want heaven. And what is hell really? Hell isn't necessarily something evil. We sometimes describe it as a separation from God. This earth life therefore can be considered a form of hell in and of itself, but not an evil one--for it is a hell we willingly chose temporarily because we WANTED heaven permanently. Seen in this light, our arms and eyes--both pieces of a less-than-perfected body--could very well be considered souvenirs from hell if keeping them would keep us out of heaven. There is nothing inherently evil about my eye or my hand. But if I must leave them behind, then I will do so. Likewise, there is nothing inherently wrong with my same-gender attraction. But accepting that it is okay to experience those attractions cannot mean that I cling to them so tightly that I'd rather keep them than accept heaven.

Like I said before, there was a time that giving up my attractions to men would be incredibly desirable. For many of you it still is. Oddly enough, in God's infinite (but not always understood by mortals) wisdom, he has asked us to be willing to put anything required on the altar of sacrifice, but sometimes doesn't want us to sacrifice the things that for whatever reason he wants us to keep. In short, some of you may see your SSA as an arm that you'd LOVE to cast off, but have no ability to do so. Well, apparently God hasn't asked you to make that sacrifice. He might not in this life. In that case, you might have to keep the offending arm. But you will need to offer your trust to Him. You'll need to lay hurt feelings for your trial on the altar of sacrifice, for our ignorance of God's higher ways should never convince us to grasp tightly to hellish souvenirs of unfaithfulness or bitterness for God.

I know this has been a rather confusing post. I don't expect any reader to completely understand my thoughts or feelings here. But I hope it has at least stimulated thought. Do you have any souvenirs from hell or earth that you simply can't let go of? Casting off an arm is a hard thing to do, but God will help you place it on the altar of sacrifice.

My best,

Obadiah

Forsaken (Matthew 27:46)

Matthew 27:46 records one of the most heart-wrenching utterances ever given:

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Have you ever felt that way? I have. Some nights my prayers are amazing two-way conversations that lift me up and give me direction. Other nights, I feel like I need to get out the cleaning supplies to scrub my seemingly unheard prayers off the ceiling. Those nights feel so lonely. The worst is feeling like I've obviously done something wrong to merit being ignored by my Creator. I've come to understand, slowly, that that's a dangerous line of thought that only breeds unnecessary depression. God doesn't fall silent only when we've displeased Him, because he didn't send us to Earth just to get constant step-by-baby-step direction anyway. If He told us every answer, it wouldn't be much of a test now would it? Besides, if feeling forsaken was always a sign of displeasing God, then Matthew 27:46 wouldn't exist, because Christ certainly never displeased God--and yet He once felt forsaken also.

I believe C.S. Lewis put it really well in his preface to the Screwtape letters when he said:

"God wants us to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with our stumbles. The cause of the adversary is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do His will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

Moral of the story: it's okay to feel forsaken. Indeed, it's IMPORTANT to feel forsaken sometimes. The choice is then ours what we will do in our seemingly forsaken state, and God is hoping it is to not give up but to keep moving forward. Just remember, that though He may fall silent and withdraw for a time behind the "pavilion that covereth [His] hidng place" (D&C 121:1), He never truly forsakes us. After all, why did He send Christ to Gethsemane and to Golgotha? "That he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:12). Sometimes He succors us by knowing the right times to let go of our hands and let us walk on our own. Thus His withdrawl becomes in fact a divine grace and reassurance that He absolutely hasn't forsaken us, but is helping us through our infirmities.

My best,

Obadiah

Love thy neighbor (Matthew 22:35-39)

Okay, it's about time I write a post on a really important subject: the conundrum of bullying and judging. As a member of the LDS Church, I am well-acquainted with being the recipient of hate and persecution. As a man who is physically attracted to other men, I am also keenly aware of further judgment and bullying. In fact, being both puts me in an interesting position to be hated from pretty much all directions! :)

Great sadnesses of my life: when those of other faiths bitterly degrade and attack my own; when members of my faith treat others negatively because their lifestyle or even merely their attractions are not the same as their own; when people of any age or background bully or humiliate an openly gay person in their community or school. Whenever I read stories of another gay teen suicide my heart absolutely breaks. Honestly, I'm an optimistic enough person to believe that the majority of you reading this post are equally saddened by basically everything in his paragraph so far. Now here's another sadness of my life: when the persecuted throw judgment and hate at those who persecute them.

It's easy to not be so saddened by hate flung back by the persecuted because it's easy to see their rage as basically "justified." And maybe to a degree it is. Nonetheless, we can't be satisfied with ANY forms of hate. The great irony of the man who cries, "They're all just judging me all the time!" is that he is in fact judging everyone else in return. Very likely, they weren't ALL judging him, and certainly not ALL the time, but when we are the recipients of hate, it becomes easy to hold onto the hate thrown at us and use it as our defense. I recommend a more Christian alternative: "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matt. 22:39).

Loving those who throw verbal (or literal) stones at us is not easy, but it is essential. I've always thought the metaphor of "fighting fire with fire" rather ridiculous. Do firemen save a building by spreading more fire? No, of course not! They stop fires with water or flame-retardant chemicals. Adding more fire just complicates the problem. Likewise, fighting hate with hate simply doesn't work and just burns all the parties more in the end. We must use the cooling waters of love to respond to those who hate us. Once again, it isn't easy amidst the heat of an attack against your faith, your life, your emotions, etc. to respond to the perceived monsters tormenting us with love--but if we don't, we each become just as much a monster. As a friend of mine recently shared, "If you can't get along with someone, one of you isn't going to the Celestial Kingdom." Yes, it's hard! The right choice usually is the harder one, and it always takes great courage to rush into a burning building with the hose, regardless of how thick your fire suit is (but remember from an earlier post that "God hath not given us the spirit of fear...").

So how do we learn to respond with love? I believe it begins with understanding, just as most hate is born out of ignorance. I've already said once in this post that I'm generally optimistic about people. I have a hard time believing that there are very many completely evil people in the world. When someone is mocking you it can be harder to see the good in them, but I promise you it's there, and our lack of seeing it just underscores our own ignorance that provokes us to react with the same hate. If they say hurtful things about you because you are attracted to those of the same sex, I'm willing to bet they don't understand you at all. If you respond by saying they are a brainwashed, maniacal, fascist, racist, idiot, well... you probably don't understand them very well either! Be the bigger person by instead just keeping your smile on your face, love in your heart, and following Thumper's advice that "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say nuttin' at all [even though they said mean things about you]!" Turning the other cheek has become so rare in our society that when you do so, it is surprisingly disarming to your opponent. They are expecting you to fight back, and when you don't, it truly can cause them to rethink what they're doing and drive them to greater understanding and thus less ignorance and hate.

I love the passage I quoted above from Christ, speaking of the Great Commandments to love God and the love our neighbor as ourselves. In context of the story, we see the Master truly living this principle. As told in Matthew 22:35-39:

"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"

Throughout the whole chapter, the scribes, Pharisees, and Saducees had been trying to provoke Christ and bully him. They threw difficult questions at Him to try to discredit Him, usually interlaced with direct verbal affronts to His character. Yet, he doesn't respond to any of the questions in the chapter with the same biting contempt with which they ask. Instead, as this last question so clearly demonstrates, the answer he gives is LOVE.

To all my friends reading this post, whether you be Mormon, Muslim, straight, gay, atheist, male, female, black, white, tall, short, persecutor, persecuted, informed, ignorant, or anything else: We've all experienced hate born out of misunderstanding. We cannot fight ignorance with hate, nor hate with ignorance--for they are inseparable bed-fellow vices. We must respond instead with understanding and love. It worked for Christ; as verse 46 of the same chapter details, that as a result of his even-tempered and loving response, "no man did from that day forth ask him any more questions." Respond with love and the armies of hate will eventually give up. In the mean time, keep moving forward and don't listen to the mean things others say. No matter what others say about you, I love you and will always be your friend and someone you can talk to (email me at anothergaymormon@gmail.com). Hang in there! As a series of popular ads you are likely familiar with says, truly "It gets better."

Well, this may have been my first post on this subject specifically, but I can guarantee it won't be my last. Meanwhile, do you see any hate or ignorance around you that you'd like to combat? Feel free to pass this post along to others to help encourage understanding and love. Or better yet, add your own voice to the conversation! Be willing to stand up for love and help share this higher philosophy with the world.

My best,

Obadiah