The Faith of Eliezer (Genesis 24:27)

In my last post I promised two sequels on my continually evolving thoughts on different groups at the intersection of the LGBTQ+ and Latter-day Saint communities. I promise those are still coming. But I have lots to say and those posts take time to write. And I wanted to get this shorter post up while some thoughts were still on my mind from my scripture study today, and also provide an update on my personal life.

This week’s Come Follow Me reading begins in Genesis 24 with the story of Abraham giving a special request to his chief servant (who is oddly never named in this chapter, but we know his name from chapter 15 to be Eliezer). Abraham asks Eliezer to find a faithful, Jehovah-believing wife for his son Isaac from among his family far away in the land of his birth. Abraham makes clear the absolute importance of this request, which at his age could be the last he ever makes of Eliezer for all he knows. Eliezer understands the weight of the assignment and immediately starts getting really stressed about it.

After making the long trip, he arrives and, worried about his ability to fulfill the assignment and find the right wife for Isaac, prays for guidance and even asks to see the Lord’s hand revealed in a specific way. While he’s still finishing the prayer, his requested sign is given and Rebecca is revealed to be the chosen bride for Isaac through her gesture of compassion in giving water to him and his camels. He is so overwhelmed by the miracle that he immediately prays again, with a pure prayer of gratitude in verse 27:

“And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master’s brethren.”

I’ve heard this story many times. Kind of. We talk about it every four years in Sunday school, briefly between the comparatively more exciting stories of Abraham and Isaac on the mountain, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and soon thereafter Esau’s economically unwise trade of birthright for soup. Compared to the stories of floods, parted seas, slain giants, and lion’s dens throughout the rest of the Old Testament, this simple story can get easily lost and we often move past it as just a "nice" little story. Today, though, it hit me as perhaps one of the most meaningful miracles recorded in scripture specifically because of its non-grandeur and humble personal scale. I can relate far more to Eliezer’s personal miracle and trial of faith than the giant miraculous stories that fill much of the scriptures, because his story reflect my own. We travel long distances not sure if we’re going about doing the will of the Lord in the proper way or if He’s even really there guiding us. But then He shows himself in these small ways that to others can so easily be dismissed as coincidence, but to us in that moment the miracle is real and we see and feel the hand of the Lord. When Moses parts the red sea, nobody can deny the power of the God and the veracity of the miracle. But this miracle was a personal tender mercy just for Eliezer that showed the Lord was there for him and would help him. And for most of us, that is virtually the only kind of miracle we will ever witness.

The last year has brought me a lot of reflection. It has been a year now since I disclosed major transgressions to my wife and bishop and began rebuilding my faith. The journey so far has been both hard at times, and yet remarkably easier than I could have ever hoped for. I have had no significant relapses during this year and no longer even really feel much of a pull towards a lot of the addictions and bad behaviors anymore. I am happy. My wife and I have strengthened our marriage and are the closest we’ve ever been. We’ve had some trials along the way including notably a miscarriage last fall that had subsequent complications requiring surgery for my wife. I think the ways we repaired our marriage better prepared us for that trial. Overall, I’m stunned at the rapid speed which I’ve made so much meaningful progress. I also would be remiss not to cite the amazing power of a great therapist and a local support group who have helped me through many of the most difficult emotional times.

My relationship with God, which 18 months ago was almost nonexistent, has been revived. It is still difficult sometimes. I often feel like Eliezer, pushing forward in the wilderness hoping the Lord will be there when I need Him. I will sometimes travel a few months of my journey where I will feel a spiritual dullness, waiting to see the hand of the Lord revealed. And it always is revealed eventually after patience in small, personal miracles. I am grateful that amidst the mighty earth-shaking miracles, we also have captured this small, tender personal miracle as a reminder of the way most of us “non-prophets” are going to interact with the Lord along the way. And I hope as you seek him that you too will feel the hand of the Lord when you need it, even if you have to push all the way to the well in Haran before you see it revealed.

Waiting on a Miracle: The Singles who Stay (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)

 This post is the first of three in which I plan to delve into my current feelings and reflections on the situations of various sub-demographics at the intersection of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the LGBTQ+ Community, from both a doctrinal and practical perspective. This first post concerns the Singles who Stay.

At risk of being redundant with the many others who have already blogged about Disney’s latest animated hit, Encanto, I’ve decided to join the club. I have not been able to stop thinking about some of the most pivotal themes of the film since I first saw it back in November. Most notably, a heartbreaking sequence and song in the film’s first act has had me reflecting on the challenges of many of my peers in the same-sex attracted Latter-day Saint community.

In case you haven’t seen it and intend to, I’ll give you a very minor spoiler warning for this paragraph and the next. The protagonist, Mirabel, is a young adult in a family where each member was given a magical ability during a rite of passage ceremony as a pre-teen… except her. For some reason, when she was to receive her “gift,” the magical house which bestows them decided to decline, making her the only non-magical member of her generation in the family. She had seen each of her older siblings and cousins receive their gifts before her as they passed through their own magic doors and inexplicably found her own door taken away.

All of this information is revealed as back story, and as the film’s story begins, her younger cousin Antonio is having his own ceremony to receive his gift. She once again finds herself watching someone she loves receive a gift that she does not and rejoice in blessings that she will never know. She then sings a song called “Waiting on a Miracle” that tragically expresses her grief at feeling that not only is her lack of a gift a big enough blow to begin with, but her non-gift status often causes her to feel like an outsider within her own family.

From my very first viewing I have seen so much of the experience of my many good single LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saint single friends reflected in Mirabel’s story. These faithful members often long more than anything for companionship and marriage, and see their brothers and sisters walk through those magic temple doors to claim those blessings again and again. Like Mirabel genuinely celebrates Antonio’s successful claiming of his gift, these members often share real joy in seeing the blessings poured out on their loved ones, even as they also feel the pain of not understanding where their miracle is. Furthermore, they, like Mirabel, can often feel like outsiders in a Church where they are constantly reminded that marriage is central to God’s plan; where so many ward activities are centered around doing things with children they don’t have; where even certain important callings require being married.

I have dear, close friends in this category. Their faith is remarkable, and I believe their course is among the hardest you can choose in the Church given all the circumstances that they didn’t choose. Some still fully anticipate finding marriage someday (a choice I’ll discuss more in part three of this series of posts), while others do not foresee that possibility being within reach. It gets harder when they are given constant reminders, such as while faithfully reading their “Come, Follow Me” assignment a few weeks ago that “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Later this year we’ll study in Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 the following:

                “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

“For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

“Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”

With these constant reminders of the need for companionship, what is a single member of the Church to do? Especially one for whom the prospect of marriage seems perhaps not just dim but impossibly out of reach? Recently David Archuleta posted a heartfelt hour-long reflection on his own personal difficulties in this position. I soon after read a blog-post response from another such member I’ve never met who similarly reflected on this plight and raised the possibility of alternative paths forward that involve fidelity to covenants while filling the need of companionship.

These ideas aren’t entirely new. I’ve heard many gay members of the Church weigh some of these possibilities and before meeting my wife I myself once considered them. Most of them involve the idea of living in a close non-sexual relationship with a person of the same gender while remaining active in the Church. I know several members who currently are in these relationships and making it work. Elder Christofferson’s brother Tom, who has remained single for years as a faithful same-sex attracted member, recently mentioned that he’s contemplating pursing such an arrangement. However, this choice is not without controversy.

These kinds of relationships seem to be within a wide doctrinal gray zone, and there is absolutely no consistency on how local leaders respond. Some have been encouraged by their bishops to seek healthy companionship while staying active, while others have been told by their bishops that these situations are sinful or tantamount to “the appearance of evil” we are told to avoid. So where do I stand on this subject these days?

Well, for starters, let’s ask a more basic question: Should a same-sex attracted person be forbidden from having roommates? That to me sounds ludicrous. I myself had many of them in college. If a member seeking a close companion to live with refers to them as their “roommate” does that make this idea more palatable to those who may resist the idea? There are no rules against having friends, and certainly not against roommates. If a single member has a long-term non-sexual roommate who they are particularly close friends with, travel with, and maybe even share finances with and this gives them a stable relationship that offers happiness and fulfillment, where is the harm in that? And who cares what word is used to describe that relationship. (I go back on forth on words sometimes; words definitely matter, but sometimes we forget that they matter much less than the reality of what they are describing. But that’s a post for another time…) If someone honestly wants to stay in full fellowship in the Church and live up to covenants while not wanting to be lonely, let’s encourage them in those pursuits.

The scriptures are actually overflowing with examples of such close same-sex friendships. Recall the story of two recently widowed women who opted to move in as roommates as Ruth said to Naomi, “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.” (Ruth 1:16).

Consider the relationship between Jonathan and David, which was incredibly close and described thus in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:

And it came to pass… that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father’s house.

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.

This relationship was so close they even formed a “covenant” between them, denoting some formal commitment of their friendship. Further examples are plentiful. Alma and Amulek; Mary and Martha; Joseph and Hyrum. Notable also is the relationship between Jesus Christ and John, referred to as “the Beloved” because of the closeness of his personal friendship with the Savior, and who leaned on the Savior’s breast during the last supper.

Perhaps these stories serve as a reminder to all of us that non-marital relationships, more commonly referred to as friendships, are important and have value. We hear a lot of emphasis on the importance of marriage, but perhaps not enough on the importance of other friendships. The Lord wants us to have and make friends. The singles who stay that I know personally seem to understand the value and power of friendship deeper than most people I know. They’ve come to truly understand that power and I’ve learned a lot from them and their example.

Of course, not all people in this category stay there forever. For some, the dream of marriage eventually works out. Others choose to marry someone of the same gender and either leave the Church entirely or remain but outside of covenants. That too is a topic I’ve reflected a lot upon and will save for part two in this series.

On a final note, I’d like to point out that while many of these members find themselves “waiting on a miracle,” they are not constantly beleaguered by sadness. My friends would definitely give me some reproach if I made it sound like they are eternally depressed. Indeed, they are among the happiest people I know. They so often radiate joy, and that joy comes from their grounding in the gospel, as one of them reminded me very vividly just last night. To all of you who are single but stay, I send you my love, my respect, and my support. I love you.

P.S. If you regularly follow the blog, you’ve probably noticed that my consistency in posting has not been great. I’m a busy dad. So don’t expect parts two and three to come out right away. It’s all written loosely in my head, but getting it written down takes time. Thanks for your patience!

He Will Make It More (John 6:5-14)

Remember how in my last post (over seven months ago) I mentioned that I’d been dating a girl? Well, to make a really long story really short, we got married! Now, this obviously changes the nature of this blog a little bit. In the past, the intro at the top has always read, “I'm a college-going Latter-day Saint man who lives all the commandments happily. I hope to marry an elect daughter of God in the temple and have children someday, despite the fact that I'm attracted to men. For now the only passionate relationship I'm in is with the scriptures, and this blog is the story of that relationship.” Obviously I had to tweak that a bit.

I know that a lot of you (most especially those of you also experiencing SSA) want to hear a lot more details on how I got to this point, what the struggles have been, advice, etc. You probably think I’m a block-head for not having put up my thoughts throughout the whole dating period. My response: you’re probably right. As lame as it sounds, the main reason I didn’t was lack of time. I actually have about 5 half-written posts waiting in the wings, and I do intend to finish at least a few of those and post them still. I also hope to still post some of the many lessons I learned during the dating period over the coming weeks, I will have at least a little bit more time than usual this month before school starts back up again. As for this post, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I’ve been mulling about marriage, despite the incredibly brief period of experience I have on the subject.

A couple years ago one of my best friends got married. While searching for a gift, I came across a print of a painting by Simon Dewey of the young man who offered his 5 barley loaves and 2 small fishes, with which Christ fed the 5000. This is one of the few stories that actually shows up in all four of the Gospels. Following is the account from John 6:5-14, which I especially like as it is the only one to actually mention the young man who donated the food (I also quite appreciate John’s commentary asides):

When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat?

And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do.

Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little.

One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, saith unto him,

There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?

And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand.

And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would.

When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.

Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.

Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.

The painting, shown below, is a masterful work and I appreciated it, though it certainly was not what I had in mind as a wedding gift until I saw the title the artist had given it: He Will Make It More. It seemed to me that this was great advice for a celestial marriage: letting Christ make more out of the little we give so long as we give our all, and I said as much in my letter attached with the gift. At my own wedding recently, that same friend and his wife gave my wife and I a card reminding me of the painting and offering the same advice I’d given them. I haven’t been married long yet, but already I’ve begun to see how very real this principle is.

Being a partner in a marriage is a monumental thing. In many respects, I think it can be far more overwhelming than the prospect of suddenly finding one’s self in charge of providing food for a crowd of 5000. You find yourself immediately confronted with all of your own shortcomings and inadequacies, keenly aware of how they could prevent you from being the kind of person your spouse deserves. There are lots of wonderful, happy times, and there are some rough patches and misunderstandings both before and after the wedding ceremony. Marriage is a celestial thing, but we are currently telestial beings, incapable of completely living up to the responsibilities of marriage. Nonetheless, when we offer up all we have to God and to our spouse (the other parties of the covenant), He will make it more. It is important that we always give our offering to our spouse just as much as we do to God. You can’t hold part of yourself back from your spouse, for you’ve made promises to give them your whole self, just as they’ve promised to give you themselves also.

Like the lad in the story, our offering must be willing, but size doesn’t matter. As Andrew asked, what are five loaves and two fishes among so many people? The order fell dramatically short, but all Christ needed was the willing offering. When we give that offering, as in the story, we will find ourselves and our loved ones with us filled, with extra to spare. He will fill us with His love, which makes up the difference in what we lack and will improve our weaknesses into strengths and multiply our strengths into greater strengths. I have seen him make me into more than I was, and improve my capacities so that I could be more of the man my wife deserves. I have seen Him do the same for her also, and our joy has increased and we have grown continually closer and closer. However inadequate you feel to be a husband or wife, if you give your all, He will make it more. That’s what He does.

It has been said quite wisely by many others on many occasions that getting married is not going to “cure” anyone of same-sex attraction, and nobody should ever get married merely in hopes that it will make those feelings, temptations, and experiences go away, because it won’t and because that is a really lousy, shallow, self-serving reason to marry someone. I want to make it clear that I agree 100% with all of those sentiments. Getting married so you can “cure” yourself of anything is like reducing your spouse to the value of a therapy session or a Tylenol. Don’t go setting yourself up for a divorce by rushing into a marriage for the wrong reason, especially only to discover that it won’t “cure” you after all. Opposite-sex attracted folk don’t find themselves suddenly no longer attracted to other women or immune to sexually deviant temptation just because they get married. If so, there would be no adultery. Likewise, if you think a man is hot now, chances are you’re still going to think so after you marry a girl. That is vitally important to understand in advance.

Now, that last paragraph probably seemed a bit off-topic, and it was. However, I needed to make sure I was clear about that so that nobody misconstrues what I’m about to say, or cites it to claim that marriage is in any way a cure for being gay. I merely want to share one of the deeply personal ways I’ve seen Christ take my meager offering and expand it in my marriage. I do so carefully and ask for your respect for what I’m about to share, especially as it isn’t a very easy thing for me to express.

I find my wife gorgeous. She has a stunning natural beauty. It’s great; it’s also NOT why I married her, though it is a wonderful thing. I chose to marry her because I love her; because I love God immensely and so does she; because she is jaw-dropping intelligent and intellectual; because she has a kind heart and loves to serve; because we get along splendidly and have wonderfully fun adventures together. In those and many more ways, I am very attracted to my wife. However, despite the fact that I find her beautiful, I cannot say that prior to our marriage that I was aroused sexually by her. Now, in many ways that is because we tried quite specifically not to be in situations that would have aroused either of us, but beyond that, for me it was quite obvious that my SSA was an obstacle there. I’ve definitely seen young Mormon couples who get married quite specifically so they can have sex. Certainly there are other reasons in most of those cases, but for some folks being able to have sex is pretty high on the list of reasons why they tie the knot. That was not the case for me. Sex wasn’t even on the list. I married her for who she is, and because the thought of going through life with her by my side and being old with her and being exalted with her is the happiest train of thought I’ve ever had.

If you are a young same-sex attracted man who gets aroused seeing two men kiss but can lose that arousal twice as fast by seeing a picture of a naked girl, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve had far more sexually-themed dreams about men than women, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve never had to look away when a girl in a bikini goes by because it doesn’t faze you, but the shirtless dude next to her makes you blush, I’ve been where you are. In many of these instances, I’m pretty much still where you are, and I know that it means you are especially terrified of marriage perhaps above all because the idea of sex with a woman is not only unappealing, but perhaps even borderline disgusting to consider. It is for you that I offer the following insight: it is okay to not get married for sex. In fact, it’s a lot better to have lots of other more meaningful reasons to get married. If you find someone for which those other reasons apply, don’t let that obstacle hold you back from marrying someone you love. I reiterate again: the love must be real and there must be substantive reasons for you to want to marry her. BUT, if you choose to marry and give your all to her and to the Lord, as weak and flawed as it may be, He will make it more. He will bless your union with beautiful physical intimacy so long as you offer your heart willingly and completely to God and your wife. I can’t fully explain it, nor am I going to delve into any details in what is truly a very sacred, personal matter between my wife and me, but I can assure you that if you are fully committed in a righteous marriage, then in whatever aspect of marriage you feel you have shortcomings, if you rely on Him then He will make it more.

Sincerely,

OBADIAH