True Love (D&C 42:22)

This is a topic I've needed to address, and haven't been sure how. Thankfully, I've been given a fantastic prod by a reader who posed a question in the comments to my last post. Here's part of her comment that I feel brings up really important points I need to address:

"I am not Mormon; I am not gay; I am not male. (I am a 45-year old, straight, heterosexual woman). However, I stumbled upon your blog. I respect people's beliefs. I would like to pose a question to you, and it is based on the experience a friend of mine recently had: when you find the woman you decide to marry, how will you justify living a lie with her (to yourself, to God)? Or, even if you find someone and choose to be honest with, how can you tell her she will never be your true love?"

I am so grateful to this reader for bringing up these issues and in a way forcing me to address them. (By the way, I just have to add the following about the author of this comment: If you read her full comment on my last post you'll further appreciate her respect for other people and other faiths. You can't know how much it touches me to see others compassionate towards my FAITH. Most people not of the Church have a very hard time appreciating or understanding my choice to stick with my faith despite my attractions to men. From this wonderful woman I felt respect for my decisions and I thank her deeply for that.) So, on to the questions raised...

I think the first thing that stands out to me is the last two words: "true love." I don't believe in the concept of a soul-mate, or of a single individual being the only one we can truly be happy with. I love Disney movies that portray a beautiful princess and handsome prince who seem destined for each other and none other, but I don't believe that's how it works in real life. Honestly, this world is filled with 7 Billion fantastic people, and though I know I'm not compatible with all 7 Billion of them, there are certainly many individuals--male and female--who I could connect with emotionally, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and physically and be incredibly happy with in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. My attraction patterns make the demographics of that potential good-match pool predominantly male, but I am certain it is not exclusively so.

I'm sure that a huge portion of my likely audience is familiar with the studies of American Scientist Alfred Kinsey in the 1940's into human sexuality. He is most famous for his studies of homosexuality, and was truly the first pioneer scientist to research the topic in great depth. He is extremely controversial and I don't necessarily agree with everything he said, or with all his methodologies, but I actually think his fundamental thesis on sexual attraction was spot-on and resonates as truth to me. For those of you unfamiliar with his studies, Kinsey developed a scale of homosexual attraction from 0 to 6. A 0 means you are 100% straight--absolutely attracted exclusively to the opposite gender and have never in your life felt an incling of attraction for the same gender. A 6 denotes the opposite end of the spectrum--absolute attraction exclusively to the same gender without any inclings of attraction for the opposite. A 3 can denote either perfectly balanced bisexuality or even asexuality--either way, your levels and frequency of attraction for either gender are equal in strength. What Kinsey ultimately concluded after decades of study is that deep, deep down in our sub-subconscious or whatever, we are all basically bisexual, but a series of factors, whether biological or environmental (the nature vs. nurture discussion) cause most of us to lean to one side or the other. Yet, he believe that a true 0 or 6 was actually very, very hard to find--if it even existed at all. Sure, there are lots of 1's and 5's, and even 0.1's and 5.9's but the enormous majority of those he tested, at least once in their lives, would find some sort of "exception case" to their typical patterns of attraction, because we are deep down all bisexual and the hormones or neural firings related to attraction could potentially be caused in certain cases to fire off unusually for the something out of the norm to our typical patterns. If you are a heterosexual reading this, though you'll probably never say it out loud I'll bet that if you think about it you may think of an instance in your life (often during teenage years) that you felt even kind of attracted to at least one individual of your same gender. This may have even made you very uncomfortable or confused, and you may have fought very hard to repress it, but you're actually quite normal and it doesn't even mean you necessarily have any SSA proclivities at all. It just means you might be a 0.1 instead of a 0.

Anyway, what did that long scientific tangent have to do with the topic at hand? Well, let me return to my thoughts on compatible matches for a happy relationship. Like I said, the majority of people in my pool of possibilities are men. I mentioned that compatability is centered on a variety of dimensions (I'd love to explore that concept more in-depth in a future post). I think Kinsey's studies primarily apply to that physical dimension, and secondarily to the emotional dimension, though certainly with some ties to the others as well. Looking at my life, thinking about my own attraction patterns, I think I'm about a Kinsey 5.8 if we limit the definition primarily to just the physical and emotional dimensions of attraction. I would be absolutely lying to say I've never felt and physical/emotional attraction to a girl, but I'd also be lying if I said that those happen frequently or with the same strength of attraction I feel for men. There are really 3 girls in my life I've felt more than a weak and fleeting attraction for--one in junior high, one in high school, and one actually quite recently in college (once again--lots here for future posts). The fact is, there ARE girls in my pool of potential candidates, but they are outnumbered by 100:1, or maybe even 10000:1 by men.

So far I've not done the best job of answering my anonymous reader's questions. Forgive me, but I felt like all of that was necessary preface material to understanding my response, because they give you insight into my mentality and the lenses through which I view the world (we all wear lenses, by the way). So, there are really two questions posed. Let me take each one idividually:

1. When you find the woman you decide to marry, how will you justify living a lie with her (to yourself, to God)?

I will not, cannot live a lie--to myself, to God, perhaps especially to my future wife. I've done the whole living a lie to myself thing, and have learned (as I've commented in earlier posts) that the truth truly sets us free. I don't have to tell everyone about my feelings and attractions, though I'm done lying about it too. I could NEVER get married without letting her know about being attracted primarily to men. Indeed, much of this blog is perhaps intended for her sake, whoever she is, to be able to read more about who I am. [I just had the most beautiful, forward-pointing deja-vu-like experience imagining my one-day fiancé reading this post. Dear fiancé: I love you, whoever you are!] I also adamantly believe that nobody with SSA should ever marry someone of the opposite gender WITHOUT telling them beforehand. She has a right to know before she agrees to marry you many key fundamental dimensions of your personality, including (but definitely not limited to) your attraction patterns! If she doesn't find out until after the wedding, you are setting up a recipe for feelings of betrayal and deception on her part. If you truly love her, you would never want to do that to her. (As a humorous side note, it seems like having her know could be a lot of fun, because then you could discuss together which actors are hot and which aren't--just kidding... kind of.) In short, I COULDN'T justify living a lie, as your question asks, and hope that nobody ever does. Truth sets us free and honesty will always be the best policy.

 2. Even if you find someone and choose to be honest with [her], how can you tell her she will never be your true love?"

This is where we have to return to what I posed earlier about true love--that it isn't a fairy tale thing between 2 exclusively destined individuals. When we see true love that way, we tend to think of it as a noun phrase--i.e., he or she is my true love. I rather like to think of it as a verb--i.e. I truly love him or her. While romantic love has relation to delicate matters of attraction beyond our control, ultimately the love itself is a verb--something we DO and CHOOSE--not merely a noun describing something that happens to us. To render true love means to offer absolute commitment for an individual. There are many forms of love and not all are romantically founded, and so that definition applies to the relationship we should try to cultivate with all people, but adding a romantic dimension merely magnifies the principle. To truly love, we give ourselves completely to someone else and make their interests the key driving force of our own. We strive to strengthen our ties of attraction in ALL its dimensions. For me, I meet plenty of girls who I connect with intellectually and spiritually. I even connect from time to time on the emotional level, and on rare occasions even the physical dimension. To truly love a girl romantically, I need all of those dimensions to line up. It is okay if some dimensions are a stronger attraction than others (spiritual tends to matter most to me), but I won't marry a girl I have absolutely no physical attraction for. That means I may have to be patient, because I don't meet girls like that very often. However, it has happened, even if relationships didn't work out. I am filled with hope that I'll find one of those girls and both of us will not just "fall" in love (experience those initial pulls of attraction), but rather CHOOSE true, lasting love for each other.

So, my anonymous friend, I hope that makes sense. Your questions were very important. I have seen far too many stories of marriages painfully breaking up because the one experiencing SSA did not consider those factors in advance. I don't want to break any hearts. That may mean patience, but I'm willing to wait. I know that you said you were not a Mormon, but I'd like to introduce you to a scripture from the LDS canon which summarizes my thoughts on the true love of a spouse ever so beautifully. From 42:22 of the Doctrine and Covenants (a collection of inspired writings from modern prophets) we read the following beautiful passage:

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."

I may be predominantly attracted to men my whole life, but there are girls out there compatible with me, and when I find one, I will give her all my heart, and cleave unto her and none else. Men who are predominantly attracted to other women are able to control and ignore their attractions to other girls to fulfill this command and experience its blessings, so why can't I? I won't lie to her, and I will wait until I find a girl I'm attracted to who loves me also, but when it happens, I am ready to offer her true love.

My best,

Obadiah


P.S. Sorry for the funky formatting issues going on with this post. Blogger won't do what I tell it to. Curse you, blogger! :(

The Truth shall make you free (John 8:32), PART ONE

I don't even know where to begin tonight. Let me first say that the term "coming out" does not appeal to me at all. To me that sounds like you're announcing that you've decided on a lifestyle. I recognize that that is not how everyone uses it, but that's what it makes me think--so by my definition I can't think of myself ever "coming out" because I don't plan on ever living a homosexual lifestyle. So, I'm going to simply say "telling people that I'm attracted to men." Telling people has not been in the plan at all. I have unfortunately seen too many cases where those who reveal their attractions to others get shunned. I am by nature generally optimistic, and I thorougly believe that latter-day saints are getting better at being loving and understanding of those with same-gender attraction. However, I also recognize that we're not all the way there yet and may have a long way yet to go. That is only one of several reasons that I don't plan on ever openly telling people about my struggles. I'm not saying my solution is the best for everyone, but it is what works for me. I have to add that I've felt as of late like I should someday tell my parents. That is a terrifying prospect for me. Don't get me wrong--my parents are both incredible people and I'm sure that if/when I tell them that they will be completely understanding and love me just the same. But I also know that it will change the way they see me--that simply can't be avoided. It doesn't mean they'll think less of me, per se, but they will think different of me, and I don't want to have drama attached to me! If I ever tell them it will be because I want them to understand me better without having to see me as a different person than the one they've always known. I guess my biggest hesitation is that I love them too much to dump such an emotional burden on them. I don't feel like it would necessarily serve to make mine lighter, so why burden others for no reason? Anyway, we'll see where that goes. Despite my many excuses for not telling them, I just can't ignore the little prompting to do so. Ultimately, if God wants me to share this burden with them, I will.

However, tonight I am absolutely emotionally divided about the idea of letting people know, because--completely unplanned--I just happened to have my first experience telling someone about this issue. My mind is still reeling from it. I was betrayed by my emotions and wish I could undo it, even though it went okay overall. Here's what happened:

Besides starting this blog and announcing, albeit anonymously, that I have SSA, this week has brought a whirlwind of homework and other time demands. A friend I work with this evening noticed that I was kind of out of it today and seemed especially stressed. He was picking my brain to find out the cause and I don't know if it was the spirit or what or even if he was just kidding when he asked, but he just directly asked "Do you like men?" Whether it was a joke or not, recent circumstances and experiences caused my emotions to betray me, a tear to come to my eye, and a timid but exasperated "yes" to escape my lips. That of course launched a very, very long conversation I was not prepared to have. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I don't want to have that conversation ever again. Don't get me wrong, now. My friend was actually very caring and compassionate, but in his zeal to help me he started a 15 minute lecture telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get pills to fix me so I'd stop being attracted to guys. That nearly destroyed me emotionally as I largely argued in vain that there weren't magic pills to cure attraction or make me fall in love with women. He insisted that it's all just in my head and therefore curable. Luckily, I finally got a chance to speak again and helped him understand a little more that it isn't that simple and there's no easy off-switch. Of course, I swore him t absolute secrecy and he was actually very kind about all of it in the end. Overall, it didn't go as great as I would have wanted a first "telling" experience to, but it most certainly at least went much better than I've always horrifyingly imagined.

As that friend might now be reading this blog (though I charged him strictly not to follow it, lest his presence clue others as to my identity), I hope he knows that I'm grateful that he was kind about it and still my friend. Nonetheless, like I said earlier about my reservations about telling my parents, when news like this comes to light, it ALWAYS changes the way that others see you. I know that even though my friend doesn't think less of me, he will now forever think different of me and I can never get that back.

Anyway, I hope that if I ever have to tell someone about it again besides through this blog that it isn't for a very long time.

I'll end tonight with the scripture for this post. I'm still chewing on it mentally and will probably comment a lot more on it in another post tomorrow. It's from John 8:32 and says:

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

I think the greatest burden of my struggle is the feeling of constantly breaking the ninth commandment. I've been telling people for a long time that I'm attracted to girls--even specific ones (always dishonestly)--and even today reassured a friend jokingly that I'm absolutely straight, knowing full-well that it was a full-blown lie... or is it? I'd like to think that since my actions have been to refrain from any relationships or pursue my attractions that I am in fact straight, even though I'm attracted to men. I intend to never have sex with anyone besides my future wife. Doesn't that mean I'm technically heterosexual, as I only (plan to) have sex with the opposite gender? Nonetheless, I continually feel dishonest and sometimes I do blatantly lie about myself. This blog has helped my soul see ways the truth truly sets you free, but tonight's conversation left that dilemma murkier.

For now though, I need to go for the evening. I'll keep chewing on that scripture and conclude my thoughts tomorrow, so be sure to check back.

My best,

Obadiah

TO BE CONTINUED