Today marks one month since this blog began. It's come a really long way since then, as have I. This blog has been an outlet, a source of therapy, a forum for discussion, and a chance to connect with new friends. I've learned a lot about myself and have treasured the opportunity to view the scriptures through the unique lens of my trials. Here's a quick rundown of the blog's first month:
Total number of visitors: 927
Total number of posts: 19
Countries read in: 10 (top three: United States, Russia, United Kingdom)
Top posts this month, in order of popularity:
Forsaken (Matthew 27:46)
Love thy Neighbor (Matthew 22:35-39)
Grace and Gasoline (2 Nephi 25:23)
These make sense given how much they've been shared and reshared across the internet by loyal readers. Honestly, I couldn't be happier because if I were to pick three favorite posts I'd prefer to see garner attention, these would be them! (Though I'd probably reverse the order). You should expect to see yesterday's post about telling my parents top the list pretty soon though, it is already in fourth place after only 24 hours!
Above all things this blog has been so far, it has been my effort to go to war. Of course, as the "Love thy Neighbor" post listed above explains, my warfare is waged in LOVE ONLY. One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share my blessings, love, and support with others caught in the crossfire. This is a war for the souls of men. I hope no group or individual feels like they are my opponent in it. Indeed, I hope rather to be a comrade to all. The war is on Evil, Hate, Sin, Prejudice, and all other vices Satan employs. I wage the war in my soul every day, but knew that I had insights I could bring to the larger battlefield. Guess what? So do you! As a hymn reminds us:
Then don't stand idly looking on, the fight with sin is real;
It will be long but must go on, put your shoulder to the wheel!
If you have a drop of testimony, please share it. We are all enlisted to help each other draw closer to the God of heaven. I have been incredibly supported personally by other blogs here in cyber-world (see my list of great uplifting picks on the side bar--by no means comprehensive!). You may have the words that can help someone struggling! Sometimes the "(Gay) Mormon Guy" blog or "You Don't Know Me" or "Masked Man" or any of the others there on the side have had just the right thing for me. Tomorrow I might need your input.
War is scary. I haven't had fun every minute by any means! I don't enjoy conflict. I regularly now get threatening emails on account of this blog! But the war must be fought today until that great last day when the prophecy of Isaiah (chapter 2:4) will be fulfilled which says:
"And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."
I long for that day. One day peace and righteousness will prevail. In the meantime, welcome to the battle. How are ways you fight?
Showing posts with label "You don't know me" blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label "You don't know me" blog. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Feeling like Abimelech (Genesis 20:6-7)
A couple weeks ago I wrote a delicate and difficult post about my crush on a man I code-named "Methuselah." That was my first post to address the difficulty of friendship for people with SSA, and it only loosely addressed the subject. Perhaps one reason I haven't written much on that front is that friendship is a topic I still get the most confused and frustrated over. But today I'm going to try tackling part of that topic again and update the story of my friendship with Methuselah.
In case the code name "Methuselah" or my own pseudonym Obadiah didn't clue you off, I have a strong penchant for the Old Testament. Today's post is based around a story from the Old Testament that lots of people know, and many people talk about in relation to the lie that is told, but I'd actually like to consider from an entirely different perspective. I'm referring to the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Abimelech found in Genesis 20. This is very similar to a story in Genesis 13, substituting Pharaoh for Abimelech, but this second account is more enlightening, in-depth, and useful to my purposes to today. In short, the story goes like this:
Abraham and Sarah are moving south to Gerar where they meet the King of Gerar, whose name is Abimelech. Just as they did in Egypt and other places they've gone, Abraham tells Abimelech that Sarah is his sister. As verse 12 explains, this isn't exactly a lie--the word "sister" denotes more of a close female relative, which Sarah actually was. There is deception, however, in neglecting to tell him that Sarah is also his wife. Abimelech desires Sarah, who is very attractive, and has her brought to him. God then comes to Abimelech in a dream and tells him not to take Sarah for wife or he'll bring upon himself a curse for adultery. Abimelech is stunned and asks God what adultery would be going on. He says he's always tried to do the right thing and has never been an adulterer, and as far as he knew, Sarah was merely Abraham's sister. God gently responds in verses 6-7:
"Yea, I know that thou didst this [took Sarah with intent to marry her] in the integrty of thy heart; for I also withheldthee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her. Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee."
Abimelech obeys, returning Sarah and giving Abraham great gifts of livestock and land. His desire for Sarah still somewhat lingers, but it becomes easier to put aside because he knows Abraham and Sarah on a spiritual level. They remain great friends the remainder of their lives. Everywhere Abraham goes, he plays this game of telling people that Sarah is his sister. Sometimes, as with the case of Pharaoh in chapter 13, he knows that to do otherwise would mean risking being killed and Sarah stolen. In each case, by the time it is discovered that she is his wife, the man lusting after Sarah has come to know and respect Abraham on a spiritual level, and their lust isn't strong enough to prompt them to kill him anymore.
Now, what does a very heterosexual story like that have to do with me? I have learned throughout my life that when I get to know someone spiritually it is easier to tame my lusts. Adapting the story to my SSA attraction patterns, I would say that sometimes I meet Abrahams (or "Methuselahs") who I am very attracted to. This attraction can drive me crazy, as described in my earlier post from a couple weeks ago. The worst part is the physical reaction--when even someone's smile can trigger arousal so I go days without looking at them, but then can't keep from imagining them when I lay down at night. I've discussed in other posts ways to keep those thoughts from going too far, and the fact that the simple attraction itself isn't anything to be ashamed of--as long as you aren't trying to arouse yourself because of it. Well, I feel like I had mostly done a pretty good job of handling that attraction and not letting my thoughts stray too often. Nonetheless, I tried a technique that has worked for me in the past with some other men to make even more progress and it worked: I got to know him even better!
I actually ended up hanging out with him in several social settings including a pretty big party I helped organize. One day we just talked about life in general and specifically our testimonies. That's the clincher. Once I get to know someone on that level of testimony, it becomes infinitely easier to keep my thoughts for them chaste. I think this is why it was so easy on my mission to not have many thought problems: I constantly got to know everyone on a spiritual level. I'm not going to lie: I was attracted to some of my companions, and VERY attracted to one of them, but my thoughts could never go to dirty places because by knowing their testimonies they became something sacred to me and my mind wouldn't allow itself to defile them. Think: could you ever think an impure thought about the Savior? I absolutely couldn't. I'm not capable of it! He is too sacred for that. By knowing other people on a sacred basis, I am able to avoid unchaste thoughts about them. I still find "Methuselah" very attractive, but like Abimelech seeing Abraham as holy and letting his spiritual respect overrule his lust, I find it easier now to interact with my friend without my emotions going haywire.
Maybe this technique is just for me, and honestly I don't think I've conveyed very well in this post what I was trying to, but I hope something here has been helpful. Another blog has said everything I've said here in basically one sentence: "Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man." There are still lots of complications regarding friendship with other men I've left completely unaddressed in this post. I'm sure I'll write many more of them in the future. That's all for today, though.
My best,
Obadiah
In case the code name "Methuselah" or my own pseudonym Obadiah didn't clue you off, I have a strong penchant for the Old Testament. Today's post is based around a story from the Old Testament that lots of people know, and many people talk about in relation to the lie that is told, but I'd actually like to consider from an entirely different perspective. I'm referring to the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Abimelech found in Genesis 20. This is very similar to a story in Genesis 13, substituting Pharaoh for Abimelech, but this second account is more enlightening, in-depth, and useful to my purposes to today. In short, the story goes like this:
Abraham and Sarah are moving south to Gerar where they meet the King of Gerar, whose name is Abimelech. Just as they did in Egypt and other places they've gone, Abraham tells Abimelech that Sarah is his sister. As verse 12 explains, this isn't exactly a lie--the word "sister" denotes more of a close female relative, which Sarah actually was. There is deception, however, in neglecting to tell him that Sarah is also his wife. Abimelech desires Sarah, who is very attractive, and has her brought to him. God then comes to Abimelech in a dream and tells him not to take Sarah for wife or he'll bring upon himself a curse for adultery. Abimelech is stunned and asks God what adultery would be going on. He says he's always tried to do the right thing and has never been an adulterer, and as far as he knew, Sarah was merely Abraham's sister. God gently responds in verses 6-7:
"Yea, I know that thou didst this [took Sarah with intent to marry her] in the integrty of thy heart; for I also withheldthee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her. Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee."
Abimelech obeys, returning Sarah and giving Abraham great gifts of livestock and land. His desire for Sarah still somewhat lingers, but it becomes easier to put aside because he knows Abraham and Sarah on a spiritual level. They remain great friends the remainder of their lives. Everywhere Abraham goes, he plays this game of telling people that Sarah is his sister. Sometimes, as with the case of Pharaoh in chapter 13, he knows that to do otherwise would mean risking being killed and Sarah stolen. In each case, by the time it is discovered that she is his wife, the man lusting after Sarah has come to know and respect Abraham on a spiritual level, and their lust isn't strong enough to prompt them to kill him anymore.
Now, what does a very heterosexual story like that have to do with me? I have learned throughout my life that when I get to know someone spiritually it is easier to tame my lusts. Adapting the story to my SSA attraction patterns, I would say that sometimes I meet Abrahams (or "Methuselahs") who I am very attracted to. This attraction can drive me crazy, as described in my earlier post from a couple weeks ago. The worst part is the physical reaction--when even someone's smile can trigger arousal so I go days without looking at them, but then can't keep from imagining them when I lay down at night. I've discussed in other posts ways to keep those thoughts from going too far, and the fact that the simple attraction itself isn't anything to be ashamed of--as long as you aren't trying to arouse yourself because of it. Well, I feel like I had mostly done a pretty good job of handling that attraction and not letting my thoughts stray too often. Nonetheless, I tried a technique that has worked for me in the past with some other men to make even more progress and it worked: I got to know him even better!
I actually ended up hanging out with him in several social settings including a pretty big party I helped organize. One day we just talked about life in general and specifically our testimonies. That's the clincher. Once I get to know someone on that level of testimony, it becomes infinitely easier to keep my thoughts for them chaste. I think this is why it was so easy on my mission to not have many thought problems: I constantly got to know everyone on a spiritual level. I'm not going to lie: I was attracted to some of my companions, and VERY attracted to one of them, but my thoughts could never go to dirty places because by knowing their testimonies they became something sacred to me and my mind wouldn't allow itself to defile them. Think: could you ever think an impure thought about the Savior? I absolutely couldn't. I'm not capable of it! He is too sacred for that. By knowing other people on a sacred basis, I am able to avoid unchaste thoughts about them. I still find "Methuselah" very attractive, but like Abimelech seeing Abraham as holy and letting his spiritual respect overrule his lust, I find it easier now to interact with my friend without my emotions going haywire.
Maybe this technique is just for me, and honestly I don't think I've conveyed very well in this post what I was trying to, but I hope something here has been helpful. Another blog has said everything I've said here in basically one sentence: "Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man." There are still lots of complications regarding friendship with other men I've left completely unaddressed in this post. I'm sure I'll write many more of them in the future. That's all for today, though.
My best,
Obadiah
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