Learning to Decrease: the 2 Desires Revisited (John 3:30)

I recently re-read an old post from January which incidentally features probably my favorite title on the blog thus far: "Souvenirs from Hell and the Altar of Sacrifice (Matthew 5:29-30)." Honestly, reading some of these older posts, as well as older journal entries (lately I've been reading my mission journals again) really causes me to reflect on my growth as well as important lessons I've learned in the past that I sometimes need reminding of in the present! I was actually really taken aback by that post from the beginning of this year. It presents a lot of very complex thoughts and concepts that take several readings to really digest properly. It seemed like I was reading something written by someone else and I guess in a way I was--because we are not static things; we are dynamic, changing beings. I AM in fact a different person than I was in January. And it was fascinating to see the views and mind of this earlier Obadiah. One concept I/he wrote about that I now remember pondering a lot back then was the idea of the two dichotomous desires we struggle with throughout our lives: the desire to "fit in" and blend into our community and the desire to assert our individuality. And now I'm once again thinking a lot about it and hope to add a few new insights on the subject here.

It seems that throughout our lives we oscillate between trying to fill these two desires. We generally devote our time to focusing on whichever one is more lacking at any given time and I think it is generally rare for anyone to go their whole life fixated too predominantly on one or the other, though certainly exceptions exist. We also don't generally consciously think about acting to fill the one or the other. It happens very naturally and subconsciously. In my case, I'd say that I tend to go back and forth every few months between focusing on the one or the other, though I also think that multiple-year segments of my life have tended to skew towards one or the other. For example, in elementary school I desperately wanted to fit in and focused more of my attention on that desire. In college I've experienced basically the opposite: I've given more attention to wanting to assert my individuality. And yet there are clearly exceptions and oscillations within those periods. If I look just at 2012, for example, I'd say most of the year has been focused on my individuality while the last month and a half I've really addressed my "fitting in" needs a lot more closely.

What's really tricky about all of this is that neither desire deserves to be lauded or derided over the other. Both can actually be important and both can be dangerous. For example, regarding the desire to "fit in," feeding this desire can be good if it

How Can I Keep From Singing? (Psalms 100:1-5)

I haven't posted in a long time. Too long in fact. I now have heard rumors that I haven't posted because supposedly I "saw the light" and abandoned my "foolish Mormonism." Not so. If my Mormonism is my foolishness, I am more foolish than ever.

That said, the last 4 months have been an interesting emotional journey. I've learned a lot of critical lessons about managing my attractions and about the power and value of positive friendships in various forms. I cannot condense the last 4 months into a single post, so I won't even try. But I have been through one of the darkest periods of depression in my life to a current position of greater renewed faith than I have ever known. And I am happy. Very happy. I have seen the Hand of God very clearly in recent days and have now been blessed to have my eyes opened to see that Hand very evident throughout the events of this summer, even when I couldn't see it at the time.

Being humbled is hard. But worth it. That's what I learned this summer. I learned also above all to trust God above the opinions and half-truths of man. I'm always amazed at how gently and gracefully He can perform such intensive and delicate soul-surgery as He often does on us, eradicating the tumors of imperfection and personality flaw. I know I have many more such tumors to be worked out, but the schedule for the operations is always in His hands, not mine. Perfection requires patience and surrendering our time-tables to his.

When I heard that many were doubting my continued faithfulness, I could not sit back and fail to declare the truth: that I am still on the Lord's side and have to intent of leaving. For He has been so kind to me; so patient with me in my imperfections. I am filled with astonishment at His rich blessings. Two things come to mind: a psalm and a hymn.

First, the 100th Psalm:

1 Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.

 2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

 3 Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

 4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.

 5 For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

The third verse is my favorite. It is easy to fall into a trap of self-worship, patting ourselves on the back for all our own accomplishments. We forget that He is the One who made us, and who remakes us again and again, continually perfecting us. He is our shepherd, we are the sheep. Sometimes I'm not a very good sheep, but He doesn't decrease the efficacy of His shepherding towards me. In fact, He increases it in our behalf when we are the ones needing attention. 

One of the blessings I had over this summer was a set of stellar roommates. They were guys I knew before I moved in with them and they became wonderful friends. The one with whom I actually shared a room knew about my SSA before I even moved in and was always so supportive and kind. Then, a few weeks ago the security I had in those roommates got thrown in the air when I had to move unexpectedly due to a contract mix-up. I was thrown into a new apartments with unknown roommates. I was not excited about it at all, and in fact quite worried. But you know what? It has been fantastic. It is what the Lord knew I needed. My random set of roommates has been an unexpected blessing I not only didn't ask for, but even resisted. In fact, I felt prompted and comfortable telling the roommate I actually share my room with about my attractions on the fourth day I knew him. He was not weirded out at all. In fact, he was very understanding. This was a huge relief. Over the summer for the first time ever I grew accustom to having a roommate who knew about me who I could confide in and talk about things with. That roommate was a remarkable help to me. I was very worried about not having that support anymore after growing used to it. And so I was blessed to be given a great roommate who is equally understanding, and I was blessed to be able to discern it within the first week of knowing him. None of my other roommates know, but they are all fantastic, wonderful guys as well. I've also been blessed to not find myself becoming too attached to or infatuated with any of them despite the strong friendships we are all building and the fact that they all generally happen to be rather good looking. None of that has been even the slightest problem. 

Other parts of my life, including my new semester, etc. are also all falling into place and the direction of the Lord is very clear. I am amazed looking at all the blessings He is pouring on me, far more than I deserve. The world still has a lot of problems and I am not exempt. I still have trials I'm managing, and my attractions are still a consideration. But despite all the things I face, I am happy and amazed at God's love. That's where a great traditional Protestant hymn comes to mind that has always been one of my favorites. It is not found in our hymnal, but I wish it was. It is called, "How Can I Keep From Singing?" This is how I feel. The Lord has been so good amidst my trials, that I can't hold back from sharing that message. And that has brought me back my blog after my summer hiatus. (I guess you could say I am personally feeling like, "How Can I Keep from Blogging?"). Anyway, I'll leave you with the beautiful lyrics from that wonderful hymn:

My life flows on in endless song;

Above earth's lamentation,

I hear the sweet, tho' far-off hymn

That hails a new creation;

Thro' all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing;

It finds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

What tho' my joys and comforts die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What tho' the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;

I see the blue above it;

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it;

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,

A fountain ever springing;

All things are mine since I am his--

How can I keep from singing?

 

 

 

My best,

 

Obadiah

He First Loved Us (1 John 4:19)

Do you remember that time I totally had that major crush on that guy I nicknamed "Methuselah" here on the blog and had a series of posts related to him? Well, I'm gonna need to conjure up another pseudonym for another person in my story. Let's call him "Habakkuk." Like Methuselah, Habakkuk is another man I liked, and this time I really fell pretty deeply in love with him a couple months ago. As with my telling of the Methuselah saga, it is easier for me to write about the feelings and experiences a few months after the fact so as to give proper time to digest and process each experience fully (it's also harder to share when things are so fresh in the mind). My story with Habakkuk is a bit more complicated than my Methuselah story because unlike Methuselah, Habakkuk is another SSA guy like me.

I knew I was physically attracted to him, obviously, the first time I saw him. I still am and probably always will be. But that's nothing new. I've dealt with that before. However, once I got to know him I soon discovered how well I connected with him in pretty much every possible way--socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. It didn't take long for that initial physical attraction to blossom into something much deeper. Part of me soon wanted very much to be in a relationship with him. And those feelings started me on an intense journey of self-discovery which would ultimately transform my relationship with God.

I knew all along that I needed to tread carefully since he was also SSA and seemed to be connecting with me almost as much as I was with him. Luckily for me, he wasn't as attracted to me which I'm sure helped things a lot. I actually don't feel much of a need nor a desire to lay out the details of how our friendship grew. I think I'll just skip ahead to a critical conversation I had with God.

We had just had a very emotional night, discussing the feelings we'd had and I confessed to him that I'd fallen in love with him and was so sorry. We talked about needing to have some space for a little while. It was a very painful discussion that I didn't take very well, breaking into tears several times. I knew what the right thing to do was and was doing it. We hadn't done anything wrong, and in fact were each showing great courage in that moment doing what was right. Things have gone much better since that night and I'm happy to report that my relationship with Habakkuk has been one of the healthiest, most meaningful friendships I've ever had. But later that night I had a discussion with God that changed my life.

Have you ever been angry at God? It is a strange experience. When we are angry with God, we are still expressing faith that He exists, and yet we aren't expressing much support of what He does. It feels wretched and shameful, yet self-sustainably indignant at the same time. I haven't felt that way very many times in my life (this might be the only time logged in my memory in fact!). But that night amidst the many confusing and conflicting emotions I felt, I did in fact feel a very genuine anger towards God. I've had too many experiences confirming my faith to me to doubt His reality, but my desires for Habakkuk made me angry at Him that night. For a moment it simply didn't seem fair that the gospel forbade me to have a relationship with someone I'd fallen in love with. Whenever I feel shame, my typical first reaction is to run from God. Not so with this anger: I got on my knees and confronted God in prayer.

On my knees, sobbing, I asked God why I couldn't be with this man. Why can't I date, marry, and build a life with him? Even in my indignation, God answered. He answered swiftly, softly, and directly. The thought came to my heart and mind almost immediately: "Well, you CAN build a relationship with him IF you love him more than you love Me." It was a very gentle response. Disarmingly gentle. He even filled me with an understanding that I could be very happy temporally in a relationship like that, but that I would always KNOW that I'd done so at great cost. There are many paths to happiness in THIS life, but if I chose that one it would be at the forfeiture of a celestial glory and I would make that choice knowing full well of that consequence.

I love the writings of John the Beloved. He is one of the most profound writers in all of the scriptures, and his extensive writings on love in his first general epistle have long been among my favorite scriptures. However, there was always one verse that I never understood, and which in fact troubled me quite deeply until this experience. In 1st John 4:19 we read:

"We love him, because he first loved us."

It is a short thought wedged between two other verses which are each among my favorites and which have never confused me in the least. But this one was certainly a conundrum. It always seemed like a very silly reason to love God. I guess I was always reading it as meaning we loved him out of some sense of debt because He loved us first so we owed it to Him or something. And that didn't sit well with me. But now there I was, angry at God and met with a feeling of calmness and love in return to my indignation. He gave me a pure love that opened my understanding and I couldn't help but feel a desire to return it. I suddenly realized that His ability to love us first despite our weakness and imperfection is WHY He is worth loving so much and that the love He sends first is often the conduit to a transforming power enabling us to truly love Him deeper. The love He first sends us inspires us to love Him in return. It is an unconditional love, and therefore bears no gravity of debt demanding repayment. He made it very clear that He didn't require me to love Him and that if I chose to love Habakkuk more that was entirely up to me. And yet that love itself changed me deep down. How could I NOT love Him more? I learned that day that I loved Him because of the love He had first for me.

I should add also that my story here doesn't account for the fact that Habakkuk would have also had to have loved me more than he loved God in order for us to have ever had a relationship. And I knew him well enough to know how much love he has for God and that even if I DID love him more than I loved God, he would never feel that same way. (That is one reason I've felt so safe with him.) I do still love him very deeply, but I love God more, and that love for God has transformed the love I have for my fellow SSA brother into something purer and better. I love him even deeper now than I did then, but in a holier way. Perhaps that's why the Great Commandments--to love God and to love our fellow men--are ordered in the way they are. When we love God first, it enables us to love others more purely than we ever could if we placed them ahead of God.

It Does in Fact Get Better, and with God it Gets Best (Ether 12:4)

Last week I wrote a post on the recent panel discussion at BYU, which I attended, and have received the most overwhelming feedback on a post yet since then. This week, I'd like to comment on a related story, namely the YouTube video that was released shortly thereafter, proclaiming an "It gets better" message from self-identified gay and lesbian BYU students. The fundamental goal of the "It gets better" commercials you've probably seen on TV or YouTube is to help prevent suicide of LGBT individuals who are struggling with depression or facing lots of ridicule or attacks on their self-worth as a result of their orientation. Many have scoffed at the campaign because the sponsors of it on a national scale also tend to advocate political objectives such as gay marriage. However, I have to begin by saying that anything which helps prevent suicide and reminds a human soul that they have worth cannot be entirely evil. I can put aside my own differences of opinion with any individual when we can unite on a common goal. If battling suicide and depression are the goal, I'm all for it.

And so we have the BYU video. If you haven't seen it, here it is. If you're pressed for time and can't watch the full 10 minutes, watch at least the last minute to get the gist of it (from about 8:30 to the end):

Some people have raised some concerns about the video, that it is fundamentally ambiguous because of the use of the terms gay and lesbian. People want to know what "kind" of gay Mormons these are: are these those who are planning on a gospel life including full commitment to the law of chastity, or do some plan to eventually leave the church to be in a relationship someday, or try to straddle the two worlds. From personal knowledge and acquaintance with several of those featured in the video (they actually don't know about my own SSA; I know them from classes I've shared with them), I can report that the video includes both. And why shouldn't it? In a way, this simply underscores the fact that disagree as some of us may on our approach to being latter-day saints experiencing same-sex attraction, there are some things we can agree on, especially in reassuring those who are trapped in uncertainty and self-loathing that things get better. Nobody in the video attempted to prescribe to anyone else what the correct course of action is.

I want to raise my own voice of hope today for all who have a rough time. As I contemplate that phrase, "it gets better," I've thought about the reasons why and how that fact manages to be true, regardless of one's approach to the whatever trial they are facing. And honestly, it seems to come from several things. Things get better because we as humans adapt. We learn to cope and the initial shock and trauma of coming to terms with something unexpected subsides. People around us also change. Those who say hurtful things today usually change and soften with time also. When any new circumstance besets us in life, we sometimes have to learn to approach our life differently, which can be hard; but, eventually we succeed and move forward as before. This is the nature of life, and seems to be able to apply to any trial, hardship, change, circumstance, etc. that besets us. So, we've established that it WILL get better. What I've also learned though, is that the WAY it gets better is largely up to us and how we react to our situation.

It was almost a year ago that I started to confront my same-sex attraction in a healthy way for the first time in my life. May and June of last year were two of the most emotionally confusing months of my life. I had been telling myself every day for almost 10 years up to that point that I didn't have this problem, because I didn't want to acknowledge it and didn't want it to be real. But I knew there were some pretty significant emotional stumbling-blocks being ignored and I wasn't making any progress in dating, or in coping with certain bouts of depression. I finally concluded that I couldn't ignore it anymore.It's been said that insanity means doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That had been my approach so far: continually ignoring and repressing, expecting the feelings to somehow therefore magically go away and allow me to find my happily ever after. Recognizing this, I knew I needed to change things up, so for the first time in my life I began to allow myself to acknowledge those feelings and try to discern what they meant.

I went to the internet to try to find answers. My searches generally only produced a feeling of deep despair, sure that nobody else out there experienced this trial who didn't eventually leave the Church. I started reading a lot of anti-Mormon rhetoric on the subject from former members who had left the Church to pursue same-sex relationships and found blog after blog filled with such stories. I got tangled up in reading erotic homosexual literature online and occasionally contemplated possibly finding a guy to hook up with to experiment with my homosexual feelings. I'm not going to delve into the complete details of this rather dark period of my life here on this blog. But I faced severe depression at that time and genuinely didn't know what was going to happen to me. I could see some addictive patterns setting in with the erotic literature and anti-Mormon words. My scripture study was having ups and downs and my prayers shortened significantly, as I felt like every time I prayed I merely wanted to check in with God out of a sense of duty, then flee from Him because I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, least of all God. And I hated myself deeply. I knew that the things I was reading were addictive and wrong, as were some of the thoughts I was having. I knew in theory that the Church only condemned actions, not feelings, and yet somehow I seemed to believe that applied to everyone except me--that my thoughts of attraction for certain men made me evil.

An additional side note on erotic literature: if you are tangled up in reading that garbage, stop now. You will justify it by saying it isn't pornography because there are no pictures. That's a load of crap. The point of the literature is the same as pornography, and it fills your mind with just as many bad sexual thoughts. Indeed, it leaves it to you to imagine the scenes described in your head, and you often find yourself filling it with your own friends and acquaintances you find attractive, subjecting them in your mind to horrible acts they would never choose. You are doing exactly what Christ warned against when He spoke of "looking to lust," about which I've written on an earlier occasion. Erotic literature is just another form of pornography when all is said and done. In fact, I might go so far as to say it is WORSE, because often the sexual scenes described were clothed in what seemed like a tender true love story. I still remember one of them I read so vividly because I felt so connected with the principal character and his lover, which will mess with your brain regarding the right and wrong of homosexual relationships. Picture porn is purely carnal. Written porn feeds you the carnal with a mixture of compelling emotions that aim to get you hooked and attached. Oh, and one more thing: looking up the male reproductive system and then other related articles on human sexual behavior on Wikipedia in order to justify certain pictures and written descriptions is also porn if that's what you're using it as. I've been surprised talking with other SSA guys how frequently that is the starting point for porn addictions. It draws you in by telling you that you're just scientifically curious about the subject, when you know the real reason you're there. Lots of us have done it to, but that doesn't make it right. Don't go there! Anyway, back to my story and how I was feeling...

I truly did want to remain faithful. I had a very clear testimony of the Gospel that I had gained through a life of gospel living, including certain experiences through my mid- to late-teens that really confirmed the witness of truth to me. Additional experiences on my mission and since continued to show with remarkable clarity to truthfulness of the gospel. I had seen miracles from the Hand of God and had felt His Spirit in UNDENIABLE ways on multiple occasions. I had no room to doubt the validity and efficacy of the gospel. In many ways, that was the greatest cause of my grief: I knew what was right and saw myself doing what was wrong, feeling helpless along the way. I was still very active in my calling and loved Church and my ward very dearly. But the simultaneity of my righteous and unrighteous pursuits was creating some massive cognitive dissonance. And the loneliest feeling resulted from the fact that I couldn't see any examples of others choosing a path which embraced being both same-sex attracted/gay and an active, practicing latter-day saint in full fellowship. I actually didn't worry about not being accepted if I chose to pursue a sexually active lifestyle in the LGBT community and outside the Church. I had already found online many others who had done the same thing and I knew that while it would break some hearts and sever some relationships, I could ultimately find acceptance elsewhere and things would "get better." I also already experienced the support and belonging associated with active participation in the Church. I've seen many leave the Church because they said they were embracing who they really were, and yet to me it seemed like leaving the Church would do the opposite as I would be cutting off a part of myself even more fundamental than my attractions: my covenant relationship with the Deity whose son I am. And yet I felt trapped. I saw my bad actions and thought I was on an inevitable course to leaving the Church. Nobody would understand me if I said, "I feel attracted to men, but I'm going to remain faithful to God and to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which I know to be His true Church on earth. I want to pursue marriage to a woman, and if that doesn't happen in this life, I will remain celibate."

I actually didn't magically find resolve to these concerns at the end of June. Instead, I left through July and August for an internship abroad and it was a very effective distraction. While I was out of the country, I was so busy with the work I was doing and so very happy doing it, that I had no time to ponder those issues further. I actually thought about them very little and in fact, I almost forgot about them when what seemed like a miracle happened: I met a girl--another BYU student on the same internship--who I loved and was attracted to. Now, as I've mentioned before on this blog, she wasn't the first I was attracted to. But certainly the occasions had been rare. But I liked her so much and felt like maybe all those years of telling myself I wasn't gay had finally paid off and here was my prize. We weren't allowed to date while on the internship, but the next fall back in Provo, I took her on several dates in September and October. We didn't formally date, per se, but we spent a lot of time together and definitely had a mutual pull for each other. I've told this story I think before on the blog. The short of it is, by late October things fell apart and the attempted relationship didn't work out. This threw me psychologically and emotionally back into all the same despair, depression, and confusion I'd felt back in May and June.

I started reading erotic literature again and anti-Mormon blogs, picking up right where I'd left off. But this time, God had a tender mercy in store for me to help knock me in the right direction. It actually was planted before things fell apart with the girl. During conference weekend in October I had been following the #ldsconf hashtag on Twitter. I saw a lot of tweets coming from a user named @GayMormonGuy. I thought that was interesting and was worried it was one of the many former or less-faithful members whose blogs I'd read, perhaps planting derisive comments on Twitter during conference using the hashtag. But all of his tweets were very positive about the Church and conference. Intrigued, I went to his Twitter profile and found his blog address. (A link to the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog can be found at right on my blog list). It was the blog I always had looked for back in May and June but could never find: a faithful latter-day saint who experienced same-sex attraction. But mind you, when I first found this on Twitter, I wasn't yet depressed again. In fact I remember specifically thinking, "Wow. That's cool. But I don't need that anymore anyway, because I have a girl now." And I moved on.

After things fell apart several weeks later, as I said, I initially fell back into the same habits of despair. I actually did not at first remember the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog. I actually was quite busy that semester, so I was slightly more distracted from the issues than I had been in May and June, but he same patterns were reemerging and I felt like I'd squandered a miracle. My same-sex attractions actually really intensified during that time. In fact, it was at that time I really fixated on the one individual I've code-named "Methuselah" in the past here on the blog. My attraction level for girls fell to practically zero as well. But then, things got better. During Thanksgiving break that blog I'd found during conference came back to memory vaguely. It took me a bit of searching, but I found it again... and it changed my life. His story and experiences resonated deeply with me. I felt sometimes like he was describing me perfectly, as if he had seen into my life and heart, but he was just talking about himself. It was a very large blog with over 800 followers at the time, and over 2 years worth of entries, often with daily posts early on. I read the entire thing over Thanksgiving break. I don't know how much reading that is. Definitely comparable to a fairly lengthy book. I've continued to read every post since. And for the first time since confronting my SSA head-on, I felt a true spark of hope, that there could be a happy and faithful life out there for me and at least one other person equally valiant who understood what I was going through. I spent many hours on my knees in sincere prayer. For the first time ever I didn't feel like fleeing from God regarding this issue when I prayed. Instead, I was able to talk to Him about it and feel his reassurance that it didn't make me an evil person and that He loved me and would help me. I felt genuinely happy, though still confused and sorting things out. Things were a substantial emotional roller coaster for a while as I sorted through the pain of some of the regrettable things I'd gotten into and of continuing to recognize and sort out my various feelings and thoughts. But there was definitely a guiding hope that wasn't there before. This blog was actually begun on the last day of that Thanksgiving break as I felt like I wanted to put my testimony out there as another witness for staying true while experiencing SSA, especially to counter all the contrary voices I'd seen and read.

Since that time, things have continually gotten better. You can read through this blog to see many of those things. I won't describe right now in great detail everything that has happened since then, but here is a brief summary of the main milestones in my own path as it has gotten better:

• Confiding in and confessing to my bishop, who continues to be a wonderful support and help. He was so kind and understanding as has continued to be so.
• Finding a surprising number of additional blogs from faithful LDS individuals with SSA. 
• Connecting with NorthStar, an online support group for Latter-day Saints with SSA, which really opened my mind to the vast number of people out there like me, reassuring me that I truly wasn't alone.
• From NorthStar, meeting a close group of friends with the issue who I am safe with, but who can understand and help and counsel when I'm having a really hard time. 
• Telling my parents: a sacred experience I've written about earlier on this blog.
• Some therapeutic techniques that have helped me truly understand my attractions. I've been able to stop hating myself for liking guys, and be okay with that fact. Meanwhile, while what I've been involved with hasn't been directly focused on diminishing same-sex attractions, it has focused on helping foster and strengthen dormant opposite-sex attractions, and I'm beginning to see that happen. Oddly, my same-sex attractions may have even increased a bit in the process, but so have my opposite-sex ones. So I like more guys AND girls I feel like! This one is definitely still in progress, but I'm filled with hope.
• I've left behind destructive approaches to the topic and have repented. I feel clean again and have learned many lessons from the mistakes I've made.

My life is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I still have some really rough days emotionally, and face interesting and trying experiences. I still face misunderstanding, and I still haven't had any dating success. But you know what? My life is better, and it is continually getting even better still. As I said earlier, I've come to understand that no matter how we approach our trials, things DO get better emotionally. But how we approach them DOES affect the WAY it gets better. In the Book of Mormon, we find an "It gets better" message from God which recommends the course we must pursue if we not only want life to get better, but ultimately want our eternal life to be the BEST. In Ether 12:4 we read:

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

God wants life to get better for us, and knows it can and will. He promises that hope of things getting better if we trust Him, offering our belief, our faith, and the steadfastness of our good works. That's the simple formula. It has worked wonders for me. When I was pursuing my exploration of this matter in unhealthy ways, I was not happy. I was not guided by hope. I'm sure had I pursued it long enough, I would have found other forms and supplies of happiness in a homosexual relationship. Mormons certainly don't have a monopoly on happiness, and God desires some happiness for all of His children. But, the happiness I feel now comes also with the promise of a more eternally guaranteed and lasting form: a better world and a place at the right hand of God. All things we do in this life will eventually fade and cease, except those things we guarantee for ourselves in the hereafter via covenants with our Father in Heaven. Those covenants bring me an unbeatable source of happiness, and I know they can for you also. Stay faithful and obtain the promises! It does get better, and with God it gets best.

I wish the best truly to you,

Obadiah

P.S. The video featured is only the main video of the BYU It Gets Better Project. There are a couple dozen more which focus more specifically on stories of individuals. Some contain views I don't necessarily agree with, but they certainly have every right to express their differing views, hopefully with the same understanding that they don't decry my own.

Grace and Godly Sorrow (Moroni 10:32-33)

In December I wrote a post called "Grace and Gasoline" that discussed the necessity of Grace for our salvation, comparing it to gasoline in a car. If you haven't read that post, you may want to go back and read it first. I suppose it isn't essential to understand this one, but I may draw back on things I said in that post and assume you know what I'm talking about. You've been warned.

Anyway, the subject of Grace has been on my mind a lot more the past few weeks, and I felt like it would be helpful to write another post on the subject. In my earlier post on Grace, I emphasized its importance and the fact that it is an enabling power. In this post, I'd like to discuss more specifically HOW it acts as that enabling power, including some specific ways I've seen Grace manifest in my own life and the divine role of Godly Sorrow in the process of sanctification, as opposed to its counterfeit, shame.

So, let's dig right into it, shall we? In that last post I proposed a rather in-depth analogy comparing Grace to gasoline, enabling us to move forward. It's a mighty nice thought, but do we see examples in the real world? I think even recognizing that Grace somehow plays a role along the way, we fail sometimes to grasp what that role is. I'm sure I still do in many ways. But I've recently come to see very clearly at least a little manifestation of Grace acting as the fuel which propelled me forward. I want to begin with a scripture from literally the closing verses of the Book of Mormon. In Moroni 10:32-33 we read:

32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. 
33 And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot. 

And so, in these verses, among the very last words of Moroni before he sealed up the plates, we see God's great plan revealed: to make us perfect and holy. Note that Moroni doesn't neglect our part (in the analogy, if you remember, it is still up to us to drive the car). Thus, we must put forth our effort to deny ourselves of all ungodliness. In other words, our desire and action need to be there in order for all of this to work--God won't force us to improve if we don't desire it. But the gas is absolutely essential for the car to move forward when we push down on the peddle. Moroni here uses one of my favorite words to describe this perfection process: SANCTIFICATION. It is sad to me how few latter-day saints understand this concept. The word itself literally means "to make holy." It describes what Grace DOES. It is what life is all about: conversion. We are hopefully throughout out lives constantly in the process of being converted from raw, natural men and women, into divine beings. Sometimes we choose instead to be converted in the opposite direction. But with God's help we can choose godliness, thanks to Grace and the power of sanctification.

So, now let me humble myself a bit and share some of my own experiences with you and how I've seen grace manifest in my life. I've written on two previous occasions about a friend of mine I find especially attractive who I've code named "Methuselah" for the purposes of this blog. In the previous 2 posts I've written about him, I alluded to the concept of impure thoughts and how we can keep them at bay. Those are great posts of advice on how to help keep thoughts clean--at least our side of it. Those posts detail well how we put our foot on the gas and steer the car, as per the road trip analogy of Grace. But overcoming impure thoughts I had about "Methuselah" required more than my own effort. Today I want to tell you that Grace changed my heart, enabling me to overcome those thoughts.

When I confessed to my bishop about the thoughts I'd had, he gave me a beautiful analogy. He said that there's nothing wrong with a bird flying over our heads, and perhaps sometimes even landing there! But if we let him build a nest in our hair, that is entirely our fault. Sadly, in the case of "Methuselah" several months ago I had begun to let the bird build a nest. I allowed myself to conjure up some pretty awful fantasies involving the two of us in my head. Now, once again, my previous posts (which are linked to in the previous paragraph) detail the things I did personally to overcome those impure thoughts. If you are struggling with keeping your thoughts pure, please read the advice I offer there for "chasing the bird away" so to speak. But also keep reading this post, because I think the most important part of the equation is relying on Christ to help with the parts we can't do on our own. You see, at the time I genuinely enjoyed those fantasies. I DIDN'T WANT to forsake them. But, I DID recognize the deficiency in my desires. I was able to start putting forth the effort to change before I even entirely desired to, but above all I prayed to God to help my desires change. And at the time I left it at that and moved on and was able to gradually clean up my thoughts. And while I recognized the change in thoughts, I didn't realize along the way how much my desires had changed until this last week actually.

As I mentioned in previous posts, one of the ways I coped with my attraction to "Methuselah" and dispelled bad thoughts was by developing a healthy friendship with him. I've recently done some fun social things with him and have gotten to know him really quite well. This last week, reflecting on the fun friendship and spiritual ways I've gotten to know him also, I was suddenly reminded of the profane thoughts I had about him back in October. In that moment I experienced a huge wave of what the scriptures call "Godly Sorrow." There was no fondness for those thoughts. Only disgust. I honestly couldn't believe that I'd ever allowed my thoughts to go there. I felt sick to my stomach that I'd let such a pure and innocent person be the unwitting victim of such awful thoughts. I felt great sadness; like I'd hurt him very personally. I felt like I'd profaned something very sacred--and indeed I had. But then I was hit with the realization of how sacred that feeling of remorse was. I was reminded of my prayers to God that He would with His Grace help change my desires, something I was not able to accomplish on my own, despite my best efforts. I was able to do lots of other things to cut the thoughts off, but the desires had remained. But in the last few months, my efforts plus grace teamed up and I was transformed. In at least one dimension of my character, I experienced sanctification. Through God's Grace, my heart was changed. I no longer desire unchaste thoughts for "Methuselah" or anyone else now. In fact, the thought disgusts me now! I've been filled with a renewed sense of sacred regard for my fellow men. And I am so full of gratitude for it!

So, let me wrap this post up by commenting a bit more on that feeling of Godly Sorrow. It is very natural to feel sorrow for sin. In fact, this week it was a welcome tender mercy from God that helped me recognize His Grace: it was that sorrow that helped me realize how much cleaner I am as a person, and how far Grace has brought me. Now, I would warn you all to learn to discern between Godly Sorrow and its counterfeit, shame. I recently heard the difference between the two defined as follows: Godly Sorrow is embodied by sadness for sins we've committed, and always serves as a healthy motivator for change, or in some cases a reminder of the change we've made. Shame, on the other hand, is fueled by self-loathing. While Godly Sorrow says, "the things you've done are bad," shame says, "YOU are bad person." Shame undermines the person's self-worth and thus tries to serve to keep us stuck in sin. Shame discourages us and tells us that because we are sinners, why should we even try to change? Or why should we like ourselves? Shame is what can breed suicidal thoughts. Satan wants you to feel shame, and then will tell you it is Godly Sorrow, in order to try to make you believe that you DESERVE to feel such hateful things about yourself. DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE LIES! You are a soul of great worth. You deserve to feel loved by God, because He does love you! He loves you enough to have sent His Son to atone for you, so that you could experience the Grace and Sanctification that will make you more like Him. Along the way, you will naturally feel some Godly Sorrow for your imperfections, but I hope you don't ever let shame hold you too tightly or too long. As the beautiful hymn "I Stand All Amazed" puts it, sometimes recognizing God's atoning love for us can leave us "confused at the grace that so fully he proffers" us. Because I do not yet love perfectly as He does, I too am continually confused by that Grace. Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me enough to die for me!

I hope this second post on Grace has been helpful. I'm sure it won't be my last on this subject. Thank you for reading. I love you all so much!

My best,

Obadiah

The Image of God (Genesis 1:26-27)

About a week ago I promised a post on body image issues. Well, here it is!

I think that largely I don't typically seem like the "gay stereotype" charicature figure. However, if there is a way I fit the "mold" we've created in society of what gay people are "like," this is probably the biggest one. I have always been very self-conscious about my appearance. In junior high and high school I had lots of thoughts that were borderline anorexic. Now, I have NEVER even approached the line of being overweight. Sometimes I've been UNDERWEIGHT (like, perhaps right now) but I've never had weight issues. And yet in Junior High I always felt like I was fat. It was less so in high school, but still flared up from time to time. I don't ever really think I'm fat anymore. Now I get concerned about lack of musculature or above all: my face. I have experienced severe self-esteem issues from my face. Most mornings I wake up, leave my room, and look in the mirror. My first thought is immediately how I look that day. 9 times out of 10 I'm disappointed. Every now and then I look in the mirror and like what I look like. But not often.

Sometimes when I'm stressed or have low self-esteem I don't eat very much. It's not because I think I'm fat, it's just something I do. Another behavior that may make me seem kind of stereotype is that I like to dress well to compensate for my perceived lack of comliness. As I'm not super rich and many of my clothes are hand-me-downs (thankfully my older brother has fantastic taste), this can be difficult sometimes. But I've learned that looking good often depends more on HOW you wear certain clothes and put them together. Certain pants and shirts combinations simply don't do! Then I write sentences like that, or more often simply think those thoughts, and suddenly my self esteem goes right out the window again because then I am reminded that I'm fashion conscious because I'm compensating for my perceived ugly face, which is because I have deeply set body image issues. Honestly, I know I'm not actually a bad looking guy, so when I feel that way, I start feeling bad that I feel that way! (Boy this would all be much simpler if I also didn't have a huge propensity for over-analyzing myself!)

I imagine I'm not the only one with major body image issues. From what I've read from others, it seems to go with the territory a bit, though not everyone--which is why stereotypes are dangerous. Honestly, I don't know all the answers with this one yet. I know that it is bad for me to hate myself, and certainly things that deteriorate self-esteem need to be addressed and conquered. I don't know HOW to fix it but I know it needs to be fixed. Or maybe I just struggle with it my whole life like SSA? Who knows. On the one side, there are parts of it that aren't a problem. For example, wanting to look good and wearing trendy clothes is not a sin (once again, my wardrobe isn't really actually that trendy, but I wish it were more so and typically do pretty well with what I have). And yet I feel guilt attached to the feelings. I suppose it is similar to the way I am trying to stop feeling guilty about being attracted to men--something that in and of itself isn't wrong, but which I've been telling myself is for years.

Anyway, while I haven't figured out the solution to this particular problem yet, I do find solace in these verses from the first chapter of the Bible:

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; mal and female created he them.

If ever I feel like my body is subpar, it helps at least in part to remember who it's modeled after. Any advice on this topic would be appreciated. :D

My best,

Obadiah

Telling My Parents (D&C 3:1)

John Steinbeck got the title for his book Of Mice and Men from a poem by Robert Burns. Many people think that it suggests the contrast between the strong and the weak of character. The meaning of the book and the context of the poem suggest otherwise. The lines from the poem say:

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
(The word "schemes" is often misquoted as "plans").

The poem and the book are both thematically sobering, presenting a pessimistic message that no matter how hard we try, we can't have our dreams. That all our plans will always fall through and we just have to suffer through it. And yet there have been times in my life that I've realized that while the two lines quoted above are often true, they aren't always bad. You see, this last weekend I told my parents about my attraction to men. It didn't go in any way according to plan. It went so much better. Let me tell you the story of my Christmas miracle.

So, for weeks while lying in bed at night as an insomniac I've role-played telling my parents a thousand different ways. There were so many different ways I thought of, but here were the common denominators in all my hypothetical scenarios that I was sure of:

*I would tell them together.
*We would talk when other siblings weren't even in the home and I could be completely private.
*I would wait until after Christmas entirely, so as to not detract from the holiday.

Well, read carefully to see how many of those "best laid plans" came to pass:

On Christmas Eve I was in the kitchen helping my mother prepare a turkey dinner. Everyone else was in the living room watching a movie. She knew something was on my mind. I told her we'd talk about it later. She then looked me in the eyes and asked if I was having same-gender attraction issues. I immediately realized that my best laid plans had begun to fall through. We talked very briefly and hushed so that others wouldn't hear. I assured her that I was temple worthy and always would be. I asked her if she had long suspected it and if that's why she asked. She replied that she had never had that thought before actually. (That was reassuring. I constantly worry about people discovering my secret.) I guess I don't know entirely why she asked. My mom has always been rather perceptive though, and it shouldn't really have surprised me. She always has known when something is wrong with me emotionally, scholastically, even financially. I don't need to delve into every detail here, but she said one thing that was very interesting. She mentioned that since my birth she always knew that I would be given unique trials, and now she knew what that meant. My mom had no problem with it. I knew she wouldn't. She was sad for me, but had no worries. I explained that she couldn't talk to dad--I needed to do that myself. I also explained that I'd already told by older brother before I came out for Christmas, but that I didn't want any of my other siblings to know. She agreed with me and my reasons for wanting that before I even told her that.

Given the time and place our conversation wasn't very long. It couldn't be. I felt bad knowing that she inevitably had lots of questions we just couldn't talk about right away. What about the girlfriends I've had? How do I plan on finding a wife? Who have I told? So many questions. Feeling bad for her, that night I slipped her a note with my blog address, explaining simply that she could find answers to lots of her questions there. She read all the November and the first few December posts that night.

Obviously at this point my paradigm of telling my parents had been quite disrupted. But the job was only half done and my mind began redefining what it would do next. I quickly decided that perhaps the best way to proceed was to tell my father one-on-one, just as I had with my mother. In fact, suddenly this seemed like a better way of doing things than my original plan had been. I also knew that my mom was hoping I'd choose sooner rather than later, since she couldn't talk with him until I did first. Yesterday, at the end of Christmas night, we knelt down for family prayer. My Dad said it, and before he did he mentioned that while our Christmas had been much smaller than usual due to bad financial times, the greatest gifts the he hoped we knew we received from them were those of love and testimony. My Dad always goes up to bed first and reads for a while every night. When he made that last statement before heading upstairs, my heart felt his words almost like an invitation to follow him up and speak with him. I paced in the hallway in thought/prayer for a couple minutes first. I had rehearsed many times a million ways to begin the conversation. With my mom I hadn't had to because SHE did. Now, though, it would be in my hands. All the sentences I'd previously imagined instantly evaporated and I knew what I needed to say. It was a new approach I'd never thought of and which I couldn't have really used if I had told my parents together. And so I knocked on the door.

The first 30 seconds in my Dad's room were 30 of the hardest seconds of my life. Many people with SSA often discuss strained childhood relatonships wth their fathers as related to the root "nurture" causes of their SSA. Some others I've communicated with personally see this as a significant factor. I don't actually believe that to be the case for me personally. I think I've always had a good relationship with my father. Nonetheless, a man's father is a significant figure in his life. Fathers are their sons' measure of manhood. Though I've done a lot in the last month to overcome feelings of shame associated with my SSA tendencies, telling my father was still incredibly difficult. The conversation was beautiful. I'm not going to put too many of the details here. I could tell it surprised him a little bit, but nonetheless, I have rarely felt as loved as I did for those twenty minutes.

Well, if you go back to compare my list above of details I planned on for telling my parents, you'll quickly find that none of my best laid plans came to pass. And yet I've had beautiful moments of connection with my parents. In fact, things went better than the hypotheticals I've been playing in my head for a month now. There's a rather common Jewish proverb which says, "Man plans, God laughs." Once again, as with the poetry quoted at the beginning of this post, this could be negative, but it really can have such positive explanations. After all, among the scariest verses in scripture are those wherein God gets fed up with people and leaves them to their own designs. Things don't typically work out very well when that happens. Sometimes, when our plans fall through it is because God has better ideas for us and HASN'T abandoned us. If we can trust Him, we soon learn that this is a good thing, because we've been told about His plans in Doctrine and Covenants 3:1 the following:

The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught.

So indeed, while the best laid plans of mice and men often go askew, those of God cannot be defeated. When those plans are for us, the only thing that can stand in front of their fulfillment is ourselves. I'm so grateful that God loves me enough to have had better plans for me this weekend. And I love my parents. They are fantastic people, who I know have always kept my happiness and that of my siblings at the forefront of their own plans and have trusted the plans of God to help see that goal fulfilled.

I cannot universally recommend telling your parents if you or a friend experiences SSA. I think in nearly every case it probably is more helpful than anything else. However, all circumstances will be unique. I've been blessed with very loving and understanding parents. Not all parents are that way. If yours aren't that doesn't mean they aren't good people though. But you need to love them either way.

I hope you've all had a very merry Christmas.

My best,

Obadiah

Inner Peace (John 14:27)

So, for a variety of unimportant reasons, I am not leaving Provo to go "home" (meaning where my family lives--not necessarily where I grew up) for the holidays until Friday evening. Meanwhile, nearly everyone in my ward is gone and most of my other friends, so yesterday I was alone almost all day just doing work from my computer. Being inside my apartment and not connecting with anybody can really drive a person mad--and some thoughts in relation to SSA were weighing especially heavy on me and I was kind of an emotional basket case for no reason whatsoever. I've mainly been filled with lots of doubts and skepticism regarding my friendships lately, and so having all your friends leave for the holidays while you are still stuck there doesn't leave one in the best mental state. In this shaky emotional state, I then had an even more emotionally confusing evening, but for you to understand, I will unfortunately have to dig into a painful recent chapter of my life:

This last summer I met a girl who, miracle of miracles, I was attracted to in the physical attraction dimension (for more on dimensions of attraction, see my post from a few days ago on true love). For a little while this last semester we dated. Don't ask me for details about what happened. Suffice it to say that it didn't work out and my heart broke more than it ever had with any of my other short-lived, failed, attempted relationships. Are you a fan of William Yeats? So am I. :P One of my favorite poems he wrote is "The Second Coming," mainly for 2 lines that tend to describe either my life's events or my psychological state at least once every other week. I have them by heart and recite them to myself often. They say:

"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."

Well, when my short-lived relationship came apart at the seams, that's exactly what happened not only literally to the relationship, but quite personally to me emotionally. She was the first person since a girl in high school that I felt true physical attraction for and I felt like I had squandered the miracle of finding her when things didn't work out. Up to that point in my life, I had very directly refused to acknowledge my SSA in my own mind (ironic since such a direct refusal of recognition is in itself a form of acknowledgment). I kept telling myself that if I told myself I didn't like men long enough, then one day I'd wake up and it would come true! Back in May, before I met her, I had gone into a depressing funk wherein I first began to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men (a fact that the back of my mind had been keenly aware since 8th grade with some early remnants perhaps as early as age 4). That's when things first started to fall apart emotionally for me (In May, not at age 4!). I started getting on the internet A LOT and reading things that were the opposite of what I needed. Thankfully I didn't get tangled in porn, but got dangerously close to it many times and did get into a phase of reading gay romance stories, often having to skim through the parts that got erotic. (Wow, I can't believe that I just put that out there. That's actually a huge relief to admit!)

When I met her, it was like a clear answer to prayer. It seemed like I had finally woken up from the nightmare and those years of telling myself I was actually attracted to girls had paid off! When the "center could not hold" and "things fell apart," all of the turmoil returned. I tried desparately to be attracted to just about any and every other girl I saw, but I was actually just finding more and more men than ever that thrilled, excited, and even aroused me. That's when I decided to hunker down and begin my journey of discovering who I was--a story that has been unfolding on this blog. And through it all I've had an emotional roller-coaster. I have never felt so much fear, but neither have I ever felt so much inner peace and confidence! My past posts so far, of course, tell the story of my increase in understanding and being honest with myself and how that honesty has set me free and allowed me to approach my SSA in a healthy and uplifting way. God stepped in to help me with that. If I had returned to and continued approaching this subject the way I was going about it back in May and June before I met her, I can guarantee that today my testimony would be significantly impaired, if still intact at all. I'm almost certain I'd have eventually yielded to pornography and masturbation, and may have already even had some gay hookups. I'm very serious when I say that God intervened with a series of miracles this last semester to help point me in a direction of healthy, spiritual self-discovery so that I could understand this side of myself on spiritually safe ground.

So, with that lengthy preface I return to yesterday. I was, as I said, once again in a state of emotional turmoil, as still happens from time to time for various reasons. Things got even more complicated when a girl from my ward who is also still stuck in Provo asked me if I wanted to go caroling and watch a movie with her. This girl is the one in the ward that every guy wants--super fun, super social, spiritual giant RM, and to most men very attractive. She has quite curiously not been in a relationship this semester, and I think most people have wondered why, especially since nearly every guy in the ward has asked her out. I was telling a friend of mine in the ward the other day that she could probably have her pick of any guy in the ward, and he seemed to agree with me. Those words kind of came back to bite me last night when, while watching "Kung Fu Panda 2" she kept getting closer and at one point started to put her hand on mine. I began to realize that she might have just made up her mind about which guy she wanted to pick, and what if it's me!!!

In many ways I have longed for a steady and happy relationship with SOMEONE for a long time, so the thought of being in a relationship with her is very appealing. At the same time, I just wrote on Saturday on this very blog how I could never marry someone unless I was attracted to her. I also feel like I'd never want to date someone I knew I could never marry because you are otherwise just postponing a painful breakup that will only be worse the longer you put it off. So my mind has been playing a game of trying to convince itself that I'm attracted to her--after all, she actually looks a lot like the girl I recently dated and in non-physical dimensions of attraction, I AM attracted to her. But all of that psychological guessing game garbage will have to be postponed for a later post (mainly because I'm still chewing on it).

It didn't help that the movie was Kung Fu Panda 2. I know that sounds weird, but I hadn't seen it before and therefore had no idea how relevant its themes would be to my life and dilemmas. I'm only slightly embarassed to admit that I cry easily in movies and then feel really stupid when I cry during something as utterly silly as Kung Fu Panda 2. Luckily I'm 90% sure the girl didn't see my tears. Anyway, (spoiler alert) in the movie the protagonist Po becomes hindered in his abilities until he goes on a painful journey of self-discovery to find out new truths about himself that he's been repressing his entire life. By exploring painful truths about himself and his past, he is able to find "inner peace" and master those feelings, using them to IMPROVE his abilities and the person he is. Sound familiar? Yeah--it was like the last emotional 8 months of my life being relived in a CGI Dreamworks film at the end of an emotionally taxing day amidst an emotionally confusing setting of receiving affection from a girl any man would die for but whom I fail to feel physical attraction for!

Needless to say I got home in even more emotional stress. And then God did something wonderful. He made good on the promise Christ gave to his disciples in John 14:27, and which He offers to all His faithful disciples throughout time:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Like Po in Kung Fu Panda 2, I was blessed to once again find the inner peace that God has helped make my companion over the past month of discovering myself since the break-up. God took the trouble and fear from my heart (hearkening back again to the first scripture of this blog from 2 Timothy 1:7-8). He replaced it with peace and patience. To a degree He filled it with understanding, but honestly not much. But He did offer the patiece to believe that understanding is forthcoming. I still have lots of questions. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this other girl (keep reading in the future and you'll probably find out). I am still concerned about pursuing healthy male friendships and some of the complications related thereto. Nonetheless, God has given me peace and I know somehow that things will be all right.

What I love about the verse above from John is the reminder that the ways God gives us peace are not the same as the world's techniques. I get several emails a week from disgruntled readers telling me that I would be happier if I just left the Church and moved in with other gay men and lived that life. And yet, back in May and June when my testimony was more on the brink than it's ever been, I was filled with depression and confusion. The more of the world I let in, the less peace I felt. By contrast, despite days like yesterday the last month of my life has been one of the most sublimely peaceful in many ways. I have truly loved it. Last night I didn't gain inner peace by turning to gay porn or masturbation or by cursing God, as the world would tell me to do to gain peace. Instead, I prayed. Honestly, it didn't immediately give me too much peace. Then, however, I checked my email and read some uplifting messages from some of my new online support-group friends from North Star (if you don't know what that is, click on that link and find out today!!!) who said a few things that I'm sure the Spirit prompted them to that calmed my troubled heart. We're very confidential with what we discuss in the group, so I can't share any specifics here, but I can say that I suddenly felt the voice of the Spirit again, reminding me that God gives us peace in His own way and time. Sometimes it is through others who are spiritually atuned. One email was a very simple message directly to me extended from another member of North Star but not through the discussion forum channels. We have conversed electronically a bit in the past few days and just seeing his friendly note helped me immensely when I needed it last night. (Thanks again--you know who you are!)

Today I am happy. I have lots of peace--I must, because I couldn't have written this rather personal and difficult post without it! Don't let the world sell you counterfeit peace. God's original product beats all the flawed reproductions, and He is willing to offer it gladly to you--but He will give it in His own way and time, not in the way the world or even you may expect or demand Him to.

Thanks again to my friends in North Star. God leading me to you was one of His greatest miracles in this journey yet.

My best,

Obadiah

P.S. If you are having a particularly depressing day and need a more humorous pick-me-up, go to a computer with a web-cam, turn up the volume, and visit the site below, courtesy of the Old Spice Guy, who I hope even straight guys have a crush on. ;)

http://www.youareawonderfulpersonwithmanyuniquegiftsandtalents.info/

In the service of your God (Mosiah 2:17)

I love the Sabbath day. I have such a hectic and busy life, that it's nice to have a day that all my school and work worries don't matter. I've learned throughout that when we do homework or work on the Sabbath, we bring our own punishment upon ourselves by denying ourselves the opportunity for the rest from that stress which he Sabbah was instituted to offer. It's been a phenomenal, uplifting day and I've been dying to share some of the highlights and things I've learned here.

Based on some stake training I recently received regarding my calling, I needed to talk to my bishop about a few changes to the way the organization I'm in charge of does things and coordinate/clear those changes with him. I probably could have told him most things in a long hall-way conversation, but felt like it might just be nicer to schedule an actual appointment with him so I'd have more time to actually sit down and talk the changes through without feeling rushed. So, before sacrament meeting I talked with the Executive Secretary and got the last appointment slot he had available--an hour and 45 minutes after the end of church. Over the nearly five hours between setting up the appointment and when it happened, I kept getting a pestering thought about whether or not I should tell him about my same-gender attraction as long as I had an interview already. I convinced myself that I was only having that thought because I'd been working on this blog all week and so the topic was more on my mind than usual.

I now must take an aside to tell you another piece of my life. When I disclosed my insomnia on this blog earlier this week, I was really worried about the possbility of being given away by that struggle, since many people know about it. I have another interesting trial to share today that I'm not nearly as worried about because I talk about it almost as rarely as my same-sex attraction! It's also not something I consider to be a very big deal and I rarely ever think about it, but today it became important to an experience I had. I was diagnosed years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). People who know me would never probably guess this, largely because it is vastly misunderstood. A lot of misdiagnoses have occured and many people think it is something it isn't or that it doesn't exist at all. (The parallels between ADD and SSA were never so glaringly obvious to me beore today!*) While ADD can make a child hyper, as the stereotype goes, not all ADD people or even children are hyper, and not all hyper children have ADD. Basically, ADD means that while your brain is trying to perform analytical or intellectual functions, it can be limited by chemical imbalances which prevent it from carrying messages properly. I won't attempt to explain the biology any further, but it is ultimately a simple problem in the brain that has proved to be very treatable with effective drugs that don't have serious side-effects like many early ADD medications. I've taken various meds, including my current favorite, adderall, for over ten years. Without my medication, it would probably take me two hours to write this paragraph. I have the mental capacity, but can't harness it properly while that imbalance exists.

Why did I tell you this? Well, after church as I was waiting the nearly two hour for my chance to see the bishop, a friend from my ward sat down next to me in the foyer. We started talking and I was particularly surprised to see him rather down, as he tends to be one of those unstoppably happy people that everyone loves. I could tell early on that he needed a chance to do most of the talking and so I just let him go at it for about a half hour. He vented a lot of frustrations about how scared he was that he was graduating and didn't feel ready, ultimately because he felt like it was so hard to concentrate and use the skills he's supposedly been trained in through school. He described feelings of inability that sounded just like me without my medication. I don't think about it very often because I'm so rarely without my meds, so I usually forget that I even have ADD because I've been blessed with such great modern ways to help fight it. Now, this was NOT the first time I've talked to someone and thought that they probably had ADD, but I've NEVER told anyone I thought such about them--it's just too controversial a topic and many people have strong opinions about it, so even if I think people have a problem, I don't usually tell them (not to mention my own desire for privacy). I'm not a doctor anyway, and could certainly be wrong.

This time, however, I did something unprecedented. After simultaneously listening to my friend and the Spirit for 30 minutes, I felt like I could at least share my own experiences. He had said that he thought that I and many others were just naturally more gifted than he was and didn't know how he could do well in the workforce as such an inferior person. By sharing that I got through things with a combination of prayer, scripture, and some little blue pills, I helped him see that maybe he's not much different than many others he considers superior. I told him I was not a doctor and couldn't diagnose or prescribe anything, but that he should look into options available. I suddenly found many things I wrote on this blog this week about recognizing and facing the truth of  problem in order to solve it relevant to share in a completely different context and saw how my struggles to understand SSA this week had prepared me to help someone with another trial. Among the things I said, I mentioned that the brain is just a part of our physical body like any other part, and can therefore have problems or damage. I had used to wonder if my taking pills was unfairly advantaging me over my peers, like an athlete on steroids. I've come to realize that it actually just puts me on an even playing field. If I broke my arm, few people would call it a sign of weakness if I used a cast! In fact, if help was available, people would call me foolish NOT to do anything about it and just let my dead arm drag behind me. So it is with the meds I take: they help my brain connect and concentrate properly.** The things I shared, whether he has ADD and will get treatment or not, seemed to help--especially the part about being honest with ourselves to face the TRUTH of whatever our problems are so we can solve them.

At that point, my friend had to go. It was abot 5 minutes until my scheduled time to meet with the bishop. Again that thought came to tell him about my same-sex attraction. I finally realized that I had waved all these promptings off without praying about it. So, I took those five minutes to offer a prayer and almost immediately the Lord responded very clearly. He told me quite directly that I had just suggested that a friend do a very humbling thing to seek help for an ailment that he didn't have complete control over and to seek healing. Then, he used my own analogy against me. He said I could be stubborn and refuse to seek a cast for broken arm when available, or I could trust Him to put a righteous servant with sound advice in my path, the same way I had been put in the path of my friend just moments before and had been able to help him. I was to follow my friend's example and accept help from someone the Lord had prepared to help me.

So, without out knowing really WHY I was telling him, but knowing that it would help somehow and that I did in fact need to seek that help, I went in to see my bishop. I told him I had 2 things to speak to him about. We first discussed the calling-related business which I had originally set up the appointment to discuss. That only took about three minutes (much shorter than I was hoping as I sat there with my heart beating faster and faster, knowing what was coming next). You'll remember that an earlier attempt to share my trial with someone this week did not go as well as I could have hoped (though not awful) and I was therefore filled with lots of anxiety here as well, despite the fact that my bishop is one the greatest men you'll ever meet in your life.

Well, I won't get into details of the conversation here, though I may mention a few things we discussed in the future. What I will share for today is that is went miraculously well. My bishop truly is a great man, and he has pondered and read a lot on this subject and was prepared to give me fantastic and loving advice. Apprehension and fear instantly evaporated when we started to talk and it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my life to share it in such a sacred setting with someone who had invested time into being able to understand SSA and thus help those who struggle. Best part of the story: when went in, having just realized that I needed to tell him, I still did't know why. Before I left his office however, I knew why I had told him and why I do indeed need to tell my parents when I go home for Christmas in a couple weeks. In the past I've been perfectly fine keeping this all to myself, relying on the scriptures, prayer, and Church counsel as my primary support sources, followed by other writings, research, blogs, etc. However, it is one thing to sit back observe the cyber-conversation on this volatile and politically-charged subject from a distance, and quite another to become a participant as have in the last week. While I've realized that up to this point my own studies and prayer have been sufficient to get me through this trial, I've now placed myself in a position to receive greater attacks from the adversary. How he loves to tear down righteous examples! I've now opened myself up to getting lots of attacks from bitter rivals to my personal beliefs and views, and I've read enough "gay Mormon" blogs to know how many begin with noble intentions before ultimately succumbing and crashing. The Lord needed me to know that I won't always be able to rely on just myself, prayer, and scriptures to survive. I will now need the strength and support of just a FEW select individuals who are close to me and who love me. Overall, it was just a fantastic and enlightening interview that gave me lots of perspective and direction.

What does this all have to do with the scripture I've titled this post with? Mosiah 2:17 from the Book of Mormon is a very well-known verse which reads:

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."

I think that this is both a literal and figurative verse, hinging on the delightfully ambiguous word "of." To understand it, we must first understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself our pains, our sicknesses, our afflictions, and indeed everything we experience in this life so that, as Alma says, "he may know according to the flesh how to succor [i.e. help] his people" (Alma 7:12). He experienced my life with all its trials so that He'd know how to help me through each one. Just as we read how God sometimes uses the wicked to punish the wicked, I have seen over and over again in my life how he also uses the righteous to bless he righteous. Because of His great Atonement, Christ knew what help I'd need through my trial, and he used a righteous bishop to "succor" me. Thus, one way to read the passage in Mosiah is to read the "service OF your God" as meaning the service which He sends us to accomplish. Like a military service we enlist in, we can be in the service of God and thereby help bring the blessings of His Atonement to fulfillment by doing what He would have us do to succor our fellow men in the ways only He knows best because of His experience in Gethsemene.

However, that "of" allows another equally appropriate interpretation as well. You see, Christ didn't just experience my life and trials. He also experinced yours, and he experienced those of my friend who I spoke with before seeing my bishop. Being in "the service OF your God" certainly also seems to imply the act of actually serving the Lord Himself directly. When you consider that He experienced everyone's lives in the garden of Gethsemane, then when we serve others that's actually who we're serving! By acting on promptings to make another person's burden lighter, we also lift those burdens from the other One who suffered their weight--the Savior. Thus, truly when we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are quite literally in the service of our God.

While I would counsel all of you to be careful who you share your struggles with, don't pass up opportunities to draw upon the Atonement, and many of those blessings may only be available to you through other righteous individuals the Lord has prepared to help succor you. I read an interesting bit about a common mentality among Mormon men with SSA. One expert has noted, especially regarding those who may have transgressed along the way, though it applies to all: "Sometimes their approach seems to be, 'I can accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ after I've...overcome this. But not right now. I've got to overcome this on my own, and then the Atonement will be available to me.' It's the equivalent of saying, 'I can accept the Atonement as soon as I prove I don't need it.'" Sounds a lot like dragging a broken arm around, doesn't it? Be humble and willing to accept the Lord's help, which may come through others!!!

Today I am grateful God enlisted me to be in His service to my friend, drawing upon the lessons I've learned from my own trials without even having to disclose those trials. I'm just as grateful for a kind and loving bishop who served God today as well by humbly serving me.

My best,

Obadiah (see a few footnotes below)

*In case you were wondering, while I believe that there are fascinating comparisons to be made between SSA & ADD, I don't believe that there is a link, and from everything I've looked into, it doesn't seem like anyone else does either. I've definitely seen them as two completely different and unrelated aspects of my life and there are have been plenty of ADD people without SSA and SSA people without ADD. I just got lucky in the trials-with-acronyms roulette game... plus insomnia. :)

**Regarding a little more of my philosophy on medicating ADD, I share the following from Elder Oaks from general conference April 2010 (this passage just seemed a little too lengthy to put right in the main body of an already lengthy blog post):
"The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, 'Have you used any remedies?' To those who said no because 'we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,' President Young replied: 'That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.'"

The Truth shall make you free (John 8:32), PART ONE

I don't even know where to begin tonight. Let me first say that the term "coming out" does not appeal to me at all. To me that sounds like you're announcing that you've decided on a lifestyle. I recognize that that is not how everyone uses it, but that's what it makes me think--so by my definition I can't think of myself ever "coming out" because I don't plan on ever living a homosexual lifestyle. So, I'm going to simply say "telling people that I'm attracted to men." Telling people has not been in the plan at all. I have unfortunately seen too many cases where those who reveal their attractions to others get shunned. I am by nature generally optimistic, and I thorougly believe that latter-day saints are getting better at being loving and understanding of those with same-gender attraction. However, I also recognize that we're not all the way there yet and may have a long way yet to go. That is only one of several reasons that I don't plan on ever openly telling people about my struggles. I'm not saying my solution is the best for everyone, but it is what works for me. I have to add that I've felt as of late like I should someday tell my parents. That is a terrifying prospect for me. Don't get me wrong--my parents are both incredible people and I'm sure that if/when I tell them that they will be completely understanding and love me just the same. But I also know that it will change the way they see me--that simply can't be avoided. It doesn't mean they'll think less of me, per se, but they will think different of me, and I don't want to have drama attached to me! If I ever tell them it will be because I want them to understand me better without having to see me as a different person than the one they've always known. I guess my biggest hesitation is that I love them too much to dump such an emotional burden on them. I don't feel like it would necessarily serve to make mine lighter, so why burden others for no reason? Anyway, we'll see where that goes. Despite my many excuses for not telling them, I just can't ignore the little prompting to do so. Ultimately, if God wants me to share this burden with them, I will.

However, tonight I am absolutely emotionally divided about the idea of letting people know, because--completely unplanned--I just happened to have my first experience telling someone about this issue. My mind is still reeling from it. I was betrayed by my emotions and wish I could undo it, even though it went okay overall. Here's what happened:

Besides starting this blog and announcing, albeit anonymously, that I have SSA, this week has brought a whirlwind of homework and other time demands. A friend I work with this evening noticed that I was kind of out of it today and seemed especially stressed. He was picking my brain to find out the cause and I don't know if it was the spirit or what or even if he was just kidding when he asked, but he just directly asked "Do you like men?" Whether it was a joke or not, recent circumstances and experiences caused my emotions to betray me, a tear to come to my eye, and a timid but exasperated "yes" to escape my lips. That of course launched a very, very long conversation I was not prepared to have. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I don't want to have that conversation ever again. Don't get me wrong, now. My friend was actually very caring and compassionate, but in his zeal to help me he started a 15 minute lecture telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get pills to fix me so I'd stop being attracted to guys. That nearly destroyed me emotionally as I largely argued in vain that there weren't magic pills to cure attraction or make me fall in love with women. He insisted that it's all just in my head and therefore curable. Luckily, I finally got a chance to speak again and helped him understand a little more that it isn't that simple and there's no easy off-switch. Of course, I swore him t absolute secrecy and he was actually very kind about all of it in the end. Overall, it didn't go as great as I would have wanted a first "telling" experience to, but it most certainly at least went much better than I've always horrifyingly imagined.

As that friend might now be reading this blog (though I charged him strictly not to follow it, lest his presence clue others as to my identity), I hope he knows that I'm grateful that he was kind about it and still my friend. Nonetheless, like I said earlier about my reservations about telling my parents, when news like this comes to light, it ALWAYS changes the way that others see you. I know that even though my friend doesn't think less of me, he will now forever think different of me and I can never get that back.

Anyway, I hope that if I ever have to tell someone about it again besides through this blog that it isn't for a very long time.

I'll end tonight with the scripture for this post. I'm still chewing on it mentally and will probably comment a lot more on it in another post tomorrow. It's from John 8:32 and says:

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

I think the greatest burden of my struggle is the feeling of constantly breaking the ninth commandment. I've been telling people for a long time that I'm attracted to girls--even specific ones (always dishonestly)--and even today reassured a friend jokingly that I'm absolutely straight, knowing full-well that it was a full-blown lie... or is it? I'd like to think that since my actions have been to refrain from any relationships or pursue my attractions that I am in fact straight, even though I'm attracted to men. I intend to never have sex with anyone besides my future wife. Doesn't that mean I'm technically heterosexual, as I only (plan to) have sex with the opposite gender? Nonetheless, I continually feel dishonest and sometimes I do blatantly lie about myself. This blog has helped my soul see ways the truth truly sets you free, but tonight's conversation left that dilemma murkier.

For now though, I need to go for the evening. I'll keep chewing on that scripture and conclude my thoughts tomorrow, so be sure to check back.

My best,

Obadiah

TO BE CONTINUED

"He neither slumbers nor sleeps" (Psalms 121: 4)

I have to admit that I am completely nervous writing this blog. I know it's what God wants me to do, but I have faced an inordinate amount of opposition from the adversary, trying to fill me with discouragment and self-doubt and destroy my confidence over the past day and a half. To tell you the truth, I am still somewhat in the process of accepting my condition, despite the fact that I've felt this way for a very long time. Luckily, the Lord has chosen to help me a lot in return over the past few days as well. In fact, it is only with his prompting that I've decided to share another piece of my story in this post.

I have to be very careful what I disclose on this blog as I'm trying to keep my identity very secret, and honestly, what I'm going to say in this post may be a little more specific than I am comfortable with. However, I must admit that it is quite relevant to my story and the insights I'd like to share, even if it increases the risk that those reading might be more likely to figure out who I am. So here goes:

Besides having same-sex attraction, my life is strongly influenced by an even rarer affliction. I have a rare and severe form of insomnia. I often stay awake for multiple days at a time and many other nights it takes me many hours to get to sleep. Those of you who struggle with SSA can understand the dilemma this creates. Night--after everyone else is asleep--is when the most awful wanderings of thought and temptation set in. Now, I have been blessed with the strength to resist those temptations and stay away from pornography and masturbation, but it is amazing how strong the temptations can be to commit sins you've never fallen into before! Harder to escape than the physical sins of pornography or masturbation are the awful thoughts the mind is capable of conjuring up all on its own. Fantasies of other men are terrible and swift ways to fill a soul with guilt!

Those of my friends who are super busy like I am always tell me how jealous they are that I don't sleep much, as they see the clear advantage of having extra time. What they don't know is that I dread those hours awake and keeping busy is one way to avoid the fantasies and temptations. When the sun is down and everyone else is asleep I have to put my guard up extra high. I try not to use my computer at that point, because I know that all people are vulnerable and a clean track record doesn't guarantee that I won't be pornography's next victim.

How do I deal with that? Sometimes I don't even know, but Psalms 121:4 has always given me lots of hope in this matter:

"Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep"

So, does that mean my insomnia is a Christ-like attribute? :)
Seriously, though, this scripture reminds me that I'm not the only one still awake during those long nights. At first, this used to be a heavy, harrowing thought--as in, you'd better not mess up because God's watching! However, I've come to understand why the passage doesn't say "watcheth," but rather "keepeth." To "keep" is the job of a shepherd. Shepherds don't just watch sheep so they can shake their head in dismay at sheep when they go stray. They KEEP the sheep by helping to bring them back, but more importantly to keep them from straying in the first place! So, knowing that God, like me on many occasions, slumbers not is comforting and strengthening. It means He's there as a resource to help me get through the long nights without giving into temptation. He keeps me, not just watches me.

You may not struggle with insomnia or SSA, but I guarantee that there will be times in your life when you must face your weaknesses and when you will be looking temptation in the eye and nobody will be watching. Whether it is pornography, masturbation, inappropriate fantasies, cheating on a test, substance abuse, skipping out on scriptures or prayer, or anything else... when the temptation comes, remember that God isn't slumbering and is there to offer His strength and support as He keeps and not just watches you.

My best,

Obadiah

About the blog

There is a fantastic blog out there called "(Gay) Mormon Guy" that I'm sure many of you have seen. If you haven't, I highly recommend you check it out. It changed my life.

Like the author of that blog, I am a fully active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who happens to have same-sex attraction. My attractions do not define me, but they certainly play a role in my life.

Nobody knows about my struggle. Thus, I am going to have to be particularly secretive on this blog, so don't expect me to disclose many personal details that could be used to identify me. Given my penchant for lesser-known Old Testament prophets, I've decided to go by the pseudonym Obadiah when writing.

This blog, as I've mentioned, is inspired by another blog written by a man I do not know, but whom I feel is one of my closest friends. His words gave me the courage to accept and understand my condition and to take it to the Lord. I will be perfectly honest with you: this blog is probably going to be pretty similar to that one. Why, then, am I starting it? Well, it isn't intended to be a direct copycat of that one. I am a different person with different experiences and insights to share, though I must say I agree with basically everything he has already written. However, if he's the only one who will have the courage to take the bold stand he has, then the world is in a sorry state. After all, I've read many a "Gay Mormon" blog and sadly observed that the majority of them are not at all about keeping the faith despite having SSA, but rather mere chronicles of testimonies slowly disintigrating. I am joining the battle and encourage others of you out there to do the same. Above all, I am starting this blog because in a very lengthy conversation with God today He told me that I should do so. I don't yet know everything it will become, but I will continue to pray for guidance from Him as I proceed.

One way this blog will especially differentiate itself, is that I plan to focus a lot on the scriptures specifically and the meanings I find in them. Not all the insights I share here will necessarily have to do with same-sex attraction issues, though those will probably get preference.

I will be the first to tell you that I am still figuring things out, but I have a firm testimony of the gospel and a passionate love for the scriptures and want to share those with the world, and especially with others who face these same struggles. If you are scared, uncertain, filled with doubt, or looking for someone to talk to anonymously, please feel free to email me at anothergaymormon@gmail.com or comment on my posts with your questions.

God loves you! I promise!

My best,

Obadiah

P.S. Allow me to note that I do not prefer the terms "Gay" or "Mormon" (I'd rather say same-sex attraction and Latter-day Saint), but as my mentor from the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog has eloquently said regarding the title of his own blog, "Both gay and Mormon are common search terms that describe the nature of my blog. I'd definitely rather use different terms, but people don't search for 'Latter-day Saints dealing with Same-Gender Attraction.' ...People every day... find (Gay) Mormon Guy through search engines"