Waiting on a Miracle: The Singles who Stay (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)

 This post is the first of three in which I plan to delve into my current feelings and reflections on the situations of various sub-demographics at the intersection of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the LGBTQ+ Community, from both a doctrinal and practical perspective. This first post concerns the Singles who Stay.

At risk of being redundant with the many others who have already blogged about Disney’s latest animated hit, Encanto, I’ve decided to join the club. I have not been able to stop thinking about some of the most pivotal themes of the film since I first saw it back in November. Most notably, a heartbreaking sequence and song in the film’s first act has had me reflecting on the challenges of many of my peers in the same-sex attracted Latter-day Saint community.

In case you haven’t seen it and intend to, I’ll give you a very minor spoiler warning for this paragraph and the next. The protagonist, Mirabel, is a young adult in a family where each member was given a magical ability during a rite of passage ceremony as a pre-teen… except her. For some reason, when she was to receive her “gift,” the magical house which bestows them decided to decline, making her the only non-magical member of her generation in the family. She had seen each of her older siblings and cousins receive their gifts before her as they passed through their own magic doors and inexplicably found her own door taken away.

All of this information is revealed as back story, and as the film’s story begins, her younger cousin Antonio is having his own ceremony to receive his gift. She once again finds herself watching someone she loves receive a gift that she does not and rejoice in blessings that she will never know. She then sings a song called “Waiting on a Miracle” that tragically expresses her grief at feeling that not only is her lack of a gift a big enough blow to begin with, but her non-gift status often causes her to feel like an outsider within her own family.

From my very first viewing I have seen so much of the experience of my many good single LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saint single friends reflected in Mirabel’s story. These faithful members often long more than anything for companionship and marriage, and see their brothers and sisters walk through those magic temple doors to claim those blessings again and again. Like Mirabel genuinely celebrates Antonio’s successful claiming of his gift, these members often share real joy in seeing the blessings poured out on their loved ones, even as they also feel the pain of not understanding where their miracle is. Furthermore, they, like Mirabel, can often feel like outsiders in a Church where they are constantly reminded that marriage is central to God’s plan; where so many ward activities are centered around doing things with children they don’t have; where even certain important callings require being married.

I have dear, close friends in this category. Their faith is remarkable, and I believe their course is among the hardest you can choose in the Church given all the circumstances that they didn’t choose. Some still fully anticipate finding marriage someday (a choice I’ll discuss more in part three of this series of posts), while others do not foresee that possibility being within reach. It gets harder when they are given constant reminders, such as while faithfully reading their “Come, Follow Me” assignment a few weeks ago that “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Later this year we’ll study in Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 the following:

                “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

“For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

“Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”

With these constant reminders of the need for companionship, what is a single member of the Church to do? Especially one for whom the prospect of marriage seems perhaps not just dim but impossibly out of reach? Recently David Archuleta posted a heartfelt hour-long reflection on his own personal difficulties in this position. I soon after read a blog-post response from another such member I’ve never met who similarly reflected on this plight and raised the possibility of alternative paths forward that involve fidelity to covenants while filling the need of companionship.

These ideas aren’t entirely new. I’ve heard many gay members of the Church weigh some of these possibilities and before meeting my wife I myself once considered them. Most of them involve the idea of living in a close non-sexual relationship with a person of the same gender while remaining active in the Church. I know several members who currently are in these relationships and making it work. Elder Christofferson’s brother Tom, who has remained single for years as a faithful same-sex attracted member, recently mentioned that he’s contemplating pursing such an arrangement. However, this choice is not without controversy.

These kinds of relationships seem to be within a wide doctrinal gray zone, and there is absolutely no consistency on how local leaders respond. Some have been encouraged by their bishops to seek healthy companionship while staying active, while others have been told by their bishops that these situations are sinful or tantamount to “the appearance of evil” we are told to avoid. So where do I stand on this subject these days?

Well, for starters, let’s ask a more basic question: Should a same-sex attracted person be forbidden from having roommates? That to me sounds ludicrous. I myself had many of them in college. If a member seeking a close companion to live with refers to them as their “roommate” does that make this idea more palatable to those who may resist the idea? There are no rules against having friends, and certainly not against roommates. If a single member has a long-term non-sexual roommate who they are particularly close friends with, travel with, and maybe even share finances with and this gives them a stable relationship that offers happiness and fulfillment, where is the harm in that? And who cares what word is used to describe that relationship. (I go back on forth on words sometimes; words definitely matter, but sometimes we forget that they matter much less than the reality of what they are describing. But that’s a post for another time…) If someone honestly wants to stay in full fellowship in the Church and live up to covenants while not wanting to be lonely, let’s encourage them in those pursuits.

The scriptures are actually overflowing with examples of such close same-sex friendships. Recall the story of two recently widowed women who opted to move in as roommates as Ruth said to Naomi, “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.” (Ruth 1:16).

Consider the relationship between Jonathan and David, which was incredibly close and described thus in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:

And it came to pass… that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father’s house.

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.

This relationship was so close they even formed a “covenant” between them, denoting some formal commitment of their friendship. Further examples are plentiful. Alma and Amulek; Mary and Martha; Joseph and Hyrum. Notable also is the relationship between Jesus Christ and John, referred to as “the Beloved” because of the closeness of his personal friendship with the Savior, and who leaned on the Savior’s breast during the last supper.

Perhaps these stories serve as a reminder to all of us that non-marital relationships, more commonly referred to as friendships, are important and have value. We hear a lot of emphasis on the importance of marriage, but perhaps not enough on the importance of other friendships. The Lord wants us to have and make friends. The singles who stay that I know personally seem to understand the value and power of friendship deeper than most people I know. They’ve come to truly understand that power and I’ve learned a lot from them and their example.

Of course, not all people in this category stay there forever. For some, the dream of marriage eventually works out. Others choose to marry someone of the same gender and either leave the Church entirely or remain but outside of covenants. That too is a topic I’ve reflected a lot upon and will save for part two in this series.

On a final note, I’d like to point out that while many of these members find themselves “waiting on a miracle,” they are not constantly beleaguered by sadness. My friends would definitely give me some reproach if I made it sound like they are eternally depressed. Indeed, they are among the happiest people I know. They so often radiate joy, and that joy comes from their grounding in the gospel, as one of them reminded me very vividly just last night. To all of you who are single but stay, I send you my love, my respect, and my support. I love you.

P.S. If you regularly follow the blog, you’ve probably noticed that my consistency in posting has not been great. I’m a busy dad. So don’t expect parts two and three to come out right away. It’s all written loosely in my head, but getting it written down takes time. Thanks for your patience!

Help Thou Mine Unbelief (Mark 9:24)

Nearly twelve years ago, shortly after I returned home from my mission, I moved in with my grandmother to provide some live-in caregiving and have a free place to stay as I prepared to start attending BYU. She loved to watch movies in the evenings and I did a lot of catching up on movies I’d missed while on my mission while I was there. One evening my uncle stopped by with a movie I had not heard and he insisted we needed to watch it. The film was “Doubt” starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the story of a nun (played by Streep) who suspects that the new Father in their parish (Hoffman) is sexually abusing some of the altar boys. In the end she fights to get him reassigned based entirely on her conviction and circumstantial evidence. At the end she delivers a heart-wrenching monologue to another nun (Amy Adams) questioning whether she’s done the right thing and sobs that she has “such doubts.” The film notably does not ever really let you know whether he was in fact guilty, because that wasn’t the point. The point of the story was a woman’s efforts to act with conviction to do what she truly believed was right in the face of doubt. It was for me a poignant film that spoke highly to one of my great struggles: that of doubt.

Back in February when I was disclosing my transgressions of the last few years to my Bishop, he said something that resonated deeply with me. He explained that just as I should always expect the possibility that I will be attracted to men my whole life, I will similarly always experience the trial of doubt, and will have to navigate that trial and make choices despite the pressure of that trial. This was actually very eye-opening to me and immediately struck me as true. It’s interesting that I have settled to a point of calm with my attraction to men for nearly a decade now. But I have never thought of doubt in that same way as something I will simply continue to experience and need to plan for the long haul. And yes, I know some of you are thinking that if I really was at peace with my attractions, why did I do the things I did these last few years? But truthfully, my actions weren’t because of my attractions; sure, those influenced the flavor, so to speak, of the transgressions, but the choices themselves were more a crisis of both unresolved trauma requiring therapy and of a crisis of faith caused by unchecked doubt.

Two posts ago I explained a lot more of the details of my various transgressions over the last few years, and explained how I came to understand what the scriptures refer to as being a “double-minded man.” After explaining at length in that post what that means, I wanted to follow-up and counter with what it isn’t. Being double-minded doesn’t mean having conflicting feelings, thoughts, inclinations, or temptations. Double-minded is when we actively try to live both of those things or try to give place for both sides. In fact, only minutes after publishing that post in late March, I read this quote from an excellent interview with three historians on the Joseph Smith Papers Project, regarding those who struggle with questions:

A friend of mine gave this advice. If you have two beliefs in your mind that appear to be contradictory, you can allow them to coexist. For example, you may have a spiritual witness of the Book of Mormon that led you to become converted to the church, and at the same time you may have questions or doubts about some aspect of church history. It is totally compatible to have a testimony of the gospel and the Restoration while having questions or confusion about some aspects of the history. Questions and doubts are natural. Turn to the Lord in humility and be patient as you wait for his help and his answers. Seek, seek, seek, and wait, wait, wait for answers. Don’t stop doing the spiritual things while you are seeking and waiting. Sometimes the answer is to be at peace with something even though you don’t understand it. The answers and comfort and peace you seek will come, and they will come through the Spirit. I know many people whose testimonies became stronger after periods of doubt and uncertainty.

Note that second sentence. You CAN have two contradictory beliefs without resolution and I don’t think this makes you “double-minded” in the sense I was describing. Once again, double-mindedness occurs when we try to ACT in contradictory ways and live two conflicting realities—a way of living I became quite familiar with.

I have for years carried great guilt and shame for my doubts. I now realize that my doubts are no more reason for guilt or shame than my attraction to men, my love for chocolate, or my penchant for music by Rachmaninoff. These are all things I experience, and they CAN influence my decision-making, some for better, some for worse, and some for neutral. But it’s the choices that matter. I gave a lot of place to grow and entertain and act upon my doubts. That was my choice, and I am responsible for those choices. But having doubt is simply part of my nature.

I think some confusion on this matter comes from how some scriptures are worded, which may require a distinguishing of how the same terminology can be meant in different ways. For example, Doctrine & Covenants 6:36 says, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” We are here commanded not to doubt, which can certainly lead to feelings of shame or guilt when we inevitably experience doubts. But I think this scripture, like any scripture that is commandment, is still speaking only to our choices. Maybe I’m pulling at semantic straws here, but I think there is big difference between experiencing doubt and choosing actively to doubt. And I’m kind of an authority on the subject because I’ve experienced a lot of both! I don’t think the Lord condemns us for our doubts, but He may chasten us for what we choose to do with them. We can choose to reach to Him when we doubt. Two stories from the New Testament illustrate this principle well.

In Mark chapter nine, we read of a desperate father with a child overcome with “a dumb spirit” and seemingly from the description, perhaps several medical maladies of various sorts. He loves his son and has tried many things to help him for years. In desperation he has already come to the disciples, who have been unsuccessful in helping him. He now has come directly to Jesus to petition for relief. Christ counsels him in verse 23, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” Without hesitation (“straightaway” in the scriptural parlance) the father in verse 24 “cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” The Lord then heals the man’s son. The man in the story acknowledged his doubts. But he has clearly acted in faith, trying repeatedly for years to seek healing for his son. He has held onto his faith after repeatedly pleading and seeing no miracles yet through all that time. When even the Savior’s disciples, who by then already had their own reputations as miracle-workers, could also not cure him, he had every reason to give into those doubts. But he acted in faith. He cried out, with tears, for the Lord to bless him for whatever faith he could muster and fill in the gaps where his faith fell short. And the Lord blessed him for acting in faith rather than rebuking him for experiencing doubt.

On another particularly famous occasion, as recorded in Matthew chapter fourteen, Christ’s apostles are struggling in a boat without him amidst a storm. They’ve already seen him calm a storm previously, but now they are without him as they cross the sea of Galilee and fear for their lives. Just then they see him, miraculously, walking across the water towards them. His bold chief apostle Peter immediately asks permission to do the same. As we know, he walks a few steps and then, seeing the “boisterous wind” begins to sink in his fear. He immediately cries out for the Lord to save him, and the Lord does so. When I hear people recount this story a lot of emphasis is often placed on Peter’s doubt, as if to hold him up as a bad example of faith. But I would ask, how many other disciples even got out of the boat? Peter’s faith let him walk on water. He DID doubt, but even when he did, his immediate response was to call out to the Lord for help. What a wonderful example and spiritual victory! The point of the story, to me, is not that Peter doubted, but that he acted in faith and when confronted with doubt, he called on the Lord for help. We will all experience doubt, and when we call on the Lord to help us amidst those doubts, he will do so instead of letting us drown because we doubted.

Interestingly, and as an echo to the counsel my bishop gave me, it seems Peter continued to struggle with doubt his whole life as well. There are several instances which show glimpses of that doubt during the Savior’s ministry, but even long after when Peter has been leading the Church for a decade, we read in Acts 10:17 that Peter continued to face doubts, even in the moments after receiving glorious visions from on high. Peter was a man who faced doubts and acted in faith and it seems abundantly clear that the Lord is very pleased with his ministry and the bold acts of faith he made despite being someone who chronically experienced doubt. His sometimes-great doubts coexisted with his faith—a faith mighty enough to walk on water. I experience the comingling of doubt and faith every day.

So, having established that the experience of doubt does not condemn us, we turn now to the choices which can. May I offer some terminology to clarify this distinction? The doubt in these two stories I would term passive doubt: a condition which we deal with wherein we naturally will experience doubt while in mortality, and which may coexist with mighty faith. A second term would be active doubt: when we choose to act in doubt rather than acting in faith. This can be in subtle ways we entertain those doubts and begin spending time trying to align our beliefs more with our doubts than our faith. In can be in more flagrant ways, such as using our doubts as justification for our behaviors of unfaithfulness to our spouse. This is the form of doubt which we are counseled against when told to “doubt not, fear not.”

While studying references related to doubt, I was initially surprised to see a passage I’ve actually considered to be a hallmark scripture on faith listed in the Topical Guide under “Doubt.” In fact, I referenced this scripture in my last post to demonstrate how the scriptures build faith. But, sure enough, there is in the middle of the verse, a warning about active doubt. The verse is Alma 32:28, which reads (with my emphasis):

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

In the middle we see a caution to not cast the seed out because of our unbelief or doubt. In doing so we “resist” the Lord. He sends us His Spirit and the scriptures to entice us towards doing what is right. Active doubt tries to build a defense system against those spiritual pulls. Sometimes we WANT our doubts to win, so that we don’t have to accept the harder parts of the gospel. I certainly have been there. And of course, the sad result of doing so is missing out on the “delicious” fruit of the gospel which grows when we act in faith instead, even if the best we can do to act in faith is to cry out for help when the doubt seems too great, even as Peter and the afflicted boy’s father did.

Active doubt is, of course, self-sustaining. When we act in doubt, we breed greater doubt. And acting against the commandments naturally breeds doubt as our brains have to grab a life raft of justification to keep from being crushed under a blanket of cognitive dissonance. The Lord warns us of this in Deuteronomy, a book which serves as the Lord’s ancient dissertation on faithfulness to covenant life. In chapter 28 we are warned of the effects and natural consequences of sin. Among those consequences, we are warned in verse 66 that our lives will “hang in doubt” when we turn away from the Lord. So active doubt breeds sin breeds more doubt.

The great turning point of regaining my testimony this year after years of repeating that cycle of active doubt began when in desperation I prayed privately for the Lord to help me feel my faith, or in other words, to help me in mine unbelief. Reflecting back on this consequential prayer I offered five months ago, I note that I did not find myself praying for relief from sexual addiction or temptation. I was praying for faith amidst doubt and to feel the influence of the Spirit which I had cast out and resisted, and that is what helped everything start to turn for me. I still experience doubts. Some days they are small and some days they seem mighty and overwhelming. But I am choosing faith, because I also experience faith. Some days it seems small and some days it feels mighty and empowering. But I’m learning to not condemn myself for the current status of my mix of faith and passive doubt. I am choosing to act in faith and leave active doubt behind, and it has begun to be delicious to me. I feel the Lord offering the miracle of spiritual healing and pulling me from the depths of the sea before I drown. And those witnesses are building my faith. The overall trajectory is upwards, even if there is some oscillation along the way. And I have hope that through Christ I will continue to conquer my doubts through controlling them, even if I recognize that they will be with me for the long run.

--Obadiah

Confused at the Grace (Hymn 193)

I started my blog nearly ten years ago as I began coming to terms with my sexuality. It has now been over seven years since I updated it. The blog always served two purposes: (1) to act as a personal cathartic channel for my feelings as I navigated that period of my life, and (2) to share my feelings so that others in a similar situation would know they are not alone. By the time I quit blogging, the first reason had faded away quite distinctly: I had found a sense of peace and balance and no longer struggled as much with internal conflict. I was happy. The second reason remained, but I figured my blog was still there for people to access if they wanted to hear the story, and life became very busy after I graduated BYU and got a real job. Then I became a father and life got even busier. Several times I thought of blogging again, but it just didn’t rise high enough in the priority chain.

So why am I back? A lot has happened since then and I’ve been coming through what I’d label a “second period of crisis” regarding my sexual and spiritual identities. As I have, I’ve seen both of those main reasons for blogging come back to life: I am working through difficult feelings again, and also have new experiences and insights I feel are worth sharing so that others may feel a little less alone. However, I also think my approach is going to be different this time, in a few key ways I’ll describe later on. First, let me explain a little more about what has brought me to the point where I’m at.

As mentioned above, since my last post I graduated from BYU and got a really awesome job that brought me out of Utah and into Texas, where we’ve lived since 2014. In 2015 we had our first child and being a father has just been the most incredible experience: so challenging, so rewarding. We’ve had two more children since then, in 2017 and 2019 respectively. With each child both the challenges and rewards have increased. I imagine that reflections on parenting and becoming the parent I want to be may be featured here moving forward, but it wasn’t parenting that brought me back to the blog.

Starting in the latter half of 2017, a period of depression combined with a spiritual malaise led to me resurrecting some old bad habits, beginning with browsing homo-erotic stories online. I had let many important gospel habits grow stale, especially consistent personal scripture study and meaningful personal praying as opposed to just “saying prayers.” I also had just grown busy and exhausted, and on top of it all, I simply felt like I had not felt the Spirit in a very long time. This was the beginning of a break in my testimony as I was giving a lot of room to my doubts, but not doing much to help my belief.

From 2018 onward, things escalated to gradually worse and worse mistakes. I’m not intending to explore all the details in this post, though I do plan to share a bit more in future posts, not because I think we all need to air our transgressions or place a lot of focus on them, but because some greater detail may be necessary context for some of the lessons I’ve learned, and some details may also help someone else caught in the same problems. I don’t plan on giving any explicit details. The two main things I’ll share briefly now are these: lots of online chatting with other gay men online, and an erotic (though not fully sexual) in-person encounter with a man in 2019. For today’s post that’s all you need to know for context, but what I really want to share is how everything has changed for the better in my life recently.

During the first two months of 2020, I began curiously growing in two different directions. The misbehaving side was actively seeking another experience with a man. But at the same time, a recent move to a new house made it easier for me to begin taking public transportation to work each day, and I began using that time to restart the habit of studying my scriptures. With that, I felt like my testimony became reawakened, even if slightly. The result was a lot of conflict. I could sense things building to a breaking point. And then the COVID-19 pandemic began and locked the world down. This had the positive effect of spoiling some plans I’d had to meet up with another man. But it also crushed my newly regained scripture study habit as working from home changed my schedule and removed the need to use public transportation. So the building conflict was for a time tamped down into a period of spiritual limbo.

During the years since I last blogged, I remained a member of the North Star Facebook group for Same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints, but just as my blogging had fallen off, so had my active participation there. But I did occasionally see posts from others and on rare occasions even commented on them. Shortly after the pandemic began, I saw a post in my feed from a man asking if there were others in the same area of Texas I live in within the group. In the previous few years I may have ignored and moved on, but this time I decided to throw my name onto his post. This resulted in a friend request from this same individual and one other. I chatted briefly with each of them via Facebook Messenger and we got to know each other at a high, superficial level. One of them (I’ll refer to him hereafter in this post as “X”) invited me to join a local in-person SSA men’s support group (temporarily virtual at the time due to COVID) that met every other week that had made a big difference for him.  I politely declined at the time, saying (laughably dishonestly), that I was good and was really at a stable place with my attractions and didn’t really need that at the time. This really would have been a true statement for the period of 2013-2017, but clearly by this point things had spun out of control and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that I needed help.

Later that year, I had a few very brief but powerful spiritual experiences that gave me these short but bright glimpses into the faith I had once had but felt disconnected from. This did not equate to a true restoration of my testimony, but certainly gave me a stronger desire than I’d felt in years to get it back and feel the Spirit and the truth of the gospel the way I once had. I felt a great urgency about this, because even though I hadn’t met in person with another man due to the pandemic, some of my other bad online habits were beginning to escalate again. Near the end of last year, two important things happened. First, “X” invited me to the local group again, and this time I initially gave a more tentative response. Second, I offered a real prayer. I once had amazing, spiritual prayers, but hadn’t prayed that way in years. I tried to tap into that kind of prayer again. It wasn’t completely successful; I still didn’t feel the Spirit. But I felt so sincere in my pleadings, perhaps the most sincere I had ever prayed. I begged to be able to feel the Spirit again the way I once had, if not right away, then within the next day. Beautifully, the next day I had a brief instant, unexpectedly at a mundane moment, where I received a startlingly clear glimpse of how it had felt to know it was true. It seemed unprompted by any specific event and left as quickly as it came. But it gave me something to hold onto and keep moving forward, as if to say, “If you start making the right choices, this is how you could feel again.” As I pondered that moment and tried to decide what to do, one of the conclusions I reached, and even believed the Spirit was pushing me towards, was to reply to “X” and ask to begin participating in the group during 2021. Was I fully sure it was the Spirit telling me that at the time? No. But I decided that if what I wanted was to feel the Spirit, then if I even believed that maybe I was getting a prompting, I should listen.

So I replied and got the information for the first meeting of the year. I was put in contact with a member of the group (let’s call him “Z”) who would be hosting it at his house that week. “Z”, it turns out, worked in the same industry I did and was also married with kids, so we were able to quickly connect and become friends over our many shared interests and experiences. In fact, the group as a whole was filled with these very humble, very faithful men, each of whom had walked a difficult path. They were very welcoming. I had no idea what to expect in attending the first meeting. I thought maybe this was really just a loose get together of similar guys to talk or maybe, I dunno, play board games? Or something? What I got instead was essentially a faith-based group therapy session. And it was mind-opening. I was not the only first-time attendee that night, and to help the two new guys feel more comfortable, at the end of that first session another member shared his story with us. Out of respect for that group and the understanding of trust we have, I won’t ever be sharing specifics of what anyone discusses, but suffice it to say I was touched at a deep level by his courage.

When I first decided to go to the group, I was not intending to necessarily share everything I’d recently been going through. In fact, I really planned to just attend and learn and use it to help me spiritually improve so I could stop making the bad choices I’d been making, and never have to tell anyone. But it turns out it doesn’t work that way. Lasting change doesn’t happen shrouded in secrecy. The Lord knows the truth anyway, so if we pretend we needn’t confess, we are only lying to ourselves. For the first month or so, I simply became better friends with some of these men and started vaguely reaching out to “Z” when I was feeling tempted (or had just had a slip-up) to tell him I was feeling “spiritually low” and could use a lift. He was always ready to help supply that lift, and didn’t pry. He did, however, one day say basically that if I was dealing with something more than just “spiritual lowness” I could share with him and he’d be there to help without judgment. But he didn’t push. The more I saw the good examples of these other men and heard stories from several who’d gone through a proper repentance process, the more my dishonesty and years of secrets ate away at me.

Up to this point, I had been very vague with my wife as to why I suddenly wanted to start going to this group. She knew about my same sex attraction early on in our dating life and it really had not been something we had talked much about for years. I had also been very discreet in my misdeeds and had never given her reason to believe there was anything wrong. But at the beginning of the year I explained to her that going to the group was just something I felt I should do and she was very supportive, even if maybe a little confused. After my third group meeting, on February 11, I didn’t sleep all night. I was wrestling with the idea of telling my wife about everything. By the end of that night I had decided I would tell her… some things, so she’d know I was working through some addictions and trying to improve, but without telling her everything. So that Saturday, February 13, we were talking after the kids went to bed and I told her in rather vague terms that I had made some mistakes that I felt I needed to tell her about. I started to really break down at this point, and of course so did she a little, but she was very supportive at the same time. I told her I didn’t think I could tell her everything then, but that it was something we needed to talk about soon. (By the way, this is a very… unusual way to kick off Valentine’s day!)

That night I basically had a full mental and emotional breakdown. I cried most of the night. And of course, you can imagine my wife was left just wondering what terrible things I would be sharing. But I didn’t know how to proceed. I texted “Z” to tell him where I was at and that I needed to talk with him. The next morning we talked for a long time. He started by sharing more of his own personal experiences with me, and by the time he was done I knew that I couldn’t just confess part-way—I had to tell everything. So I started by telling him on that phone call. I sobbed my way through all the major things and then begged for help. He gave me some very clear and great advice about how to approach disclosure with your spouse. He also told me he was a great listening ear, but not a qualified counselor in these issues and that I needed to speak with a therapist before disclosing. I didn’t have a therapist. But “Z” did, and he actually had a session scheduled the next day which he immediately sacrificed so I could use his appointment instead. I had promised my wife that I would speak with her by Wednesday evening so she wasn’t left hanging too long. I spoke with the therapist on Tuesday evening and besides helping me work through some issues, he gave me some very critical advice for how to approach disclosing to my wife. With that advice fresh in my head, we decided to talk that evening.

Telling my wife what I’d done was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. I was genuinely terrified that by the end, I would be at serious risk of losing my wife and my children. Others have lost their spouses for far less than I had done. Of course my wife was hurt, probably to a degree deeper than anything she has ever experienced. But she also made it clear that she planned to stay with me and help me out of the pit I’d dug. I was stunned, ashamed, grateful, devastated, and every other possible emotion at the same time. This was the beginning of a series of deep and meaningful conversations on a wide variety of subjects in recent weeks that have thoroughly strengthened our relationship and helped us find ways to improve our marriage.

The next day I began to thinking about the next major hurdle I needed to clear: telling my bishop. I needed this repentance to be complete, and I needed my wife to know that I wanted to be right with not only her, but the Lord. As an aside, if you paid attention to the news last month you may remember that this was the same week that Winter Storm Uri blanketed Texas in snow and caused multi-day catastrophic power outages. (We were incredibly blessed to never lose power, though many around us did; I think the Lord knew we could emotionally handle only so much that week). Anyway, while I was in the thought of talking to my bishop, he called me! Scared me to death. But he was calling just to ask if I could assist in checking on a few members of our ward affected by the power outages. I said yes, and did so, the whole while wondering if I should wait a while to tell my bishop until I’d calmed down more emotionally (these days I was crying at least hourly and was a complete mess). I texted “Z” to ask if he thought I should wait a while, or at least until talking to my therapist again. He gently suggested that the sooner I spoke with him the better. That night I called the Bishop again and asked if I could meet with him.

The next day I did the next hardest thing I’d ever done as I talked through everything with my bishop. It was nearly three hours. Three beautiful, healing hours. Just as I had after telling my wife, somehow I felt good at the end of the conversation. I felt a remarkable amount of mercy, instead of the condemnation I expected and felt I deserved. I have often found myself since then, as C.S. Lewis described it, “Surprised by Joy.” I’m shocked and confused at how quickly my life is getting better. Now make no mistake: I still have many conflicted emotions I’m struggling through and personal weaknesses to confront, but from that week forward my life has started to be filled with light again. And to a greater degree than ever before in my life, I’m beginning to understand the words of that beautiful and familiar hymn which say:

                I stand all amazed at the Love Jesus offers me,

                Confused at the GRACE that so fully he proffers me.

                I marvel to know that for ME, HE was crucified;

                That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.

                Oh, it is WONDERFUL, that He should care for me, enough to die for me!

I have much work to do and vital relationships to repair. But I have never before felt so empowered to overcome them. In the last three weeks I’ve seen so many unexpected blessings and felt so much love from various people I’ve spoken with, most particularly my extraordinary wife. Disclosing my transgressions suddenly has gotten us to talk about many things we couldn’t before. Our marriage is coming through this stronger now, not weaker. And that is the power of GRACE, or help from our Savior: divine help which is available as soon as we muster the courage and humility to accept it. It is remarkably efficacious, to a degree truly “confusing” as the hymn says. We have often grown to be so enthralled with justice that we cannot comprehend how much more powerful mercy is and how God doesn’t want to condemn any of His children: He wants to transform them. We must make the step to come, and that step can be terrifying. But I’ve recently learned that the blessings you receive for your repentance outweigh all pain and fear you may have of taking that step.

There is much more to tell, and still more that must happen as I work on becoming a better man. That will all come in future blog posts. But as I’ve reconsidered who I want to be, I’ve also reassessed this blog a bit. Now that I’ve returned, I’m going to be making a few changes:

·         Title change: When I started this blog, I was very clear about the fact that neither the terms “gay” nor “Mormon” were my first preference, but that they are the common terms people search for. My thoughts on “gay” haven’t changed much: not my preference but it doesn’t scare me (and I do use it sometimes to describe myself for the sake of convenience and brevity). However, my thoughts on the term “Mormon” have evolved more, especially in light of Pres. Nelson’s focus in recent years to more specifically avoid the term. I also think the scope of this blog may expand a bit beyond a pure focus on same-sex attraction, though, so I’ve also decided to drop the term “gay” and move to a more encompassing title of “Scriptural Insights from a Work-in-Progress Latter-day Saint.” (I recognize that the blog URL and contact email still contain both terms as of posting this, but those are more complicated to change and I’m still working on it.)

·         Greater authenticity: I’ve been reinventing my life lately on a deep level of honesty and authenticity, given the clear capacity for blatant dishonesty I’ve displayed the last few years. A decade ago, this blog was an important part of my coming to terms with many things, but it was NOT always authentic. While my thoughts on various scriptures were usually quite sincere and authentic, my description of my life and level of righteousness was NOT always. The earlier posts weren’t all a massive lie, but looking over things, I certainly white-washed a few details about myself and made myself look better than I was. For example, on more than one occasion during my time at BYU I kissed a man, but I never gave even the slightest impression of that in the blog. On at least one occasion I blatantly lied in this blog by saying I hadn’t viewed video pornography. Why did I do that? It’s complicated. Some of it was because some people who read the blog knew I was the author (including notably my mother) and I didn’t want them to know that I’d made a few more risqué mistakes than the blog would lead you to believe. I made myself look very pristine and I wasn’t. Now, I didn’t reach the same levels of indiscretion I have in the last few years, but I was not always the person I purported to be. That ends now. I’m done being dishonest. That doesn’t mean I plan to include every sordid detail, but I won’t be saying anything untrue or hiding things in a way to make me seem cleaner than I was. Honesty is going to be a common topic early on as I restart this blog. Regarding those old posts, I considered whether to delete or update them, but I actually think the authentic thing to do is to leave them. I can correct truths moving forward (like I just did) but don’t have to amend the past as I presented it then. This applies also to a few posts that I’ve re-read and realized I don’t fully agree with anymore, even if there is nothing dishonest in them. That’s part of my progression and I like to think I’ve grown a little bit wiser about a few things. But I can disagree with my past self without censoring him.

·         Regarding anonymity: Here’s another interesting sticking point that made me hesitant to resume blogging. Since I last blogged, I’ve heard several conference talks cautioning against online anonymity. And I just closed down an extensive negative online anonymous identity I’ve kept up the last few years. Not to mention, I just said I want to increase my authenticity! BUT, I also have new reasons to actually remain anonymous: my wife and children, who did not sign up to be revealed as they would be if I blogged openly with my identity. While I may blog about parenting on occasion, I also plan to keep any and all details about my children out of the blog out of respect for their privacy. This has become my policy in my normal social media use as well: my wife and I have largely stopped sharing pictures of our children on social media out of respect for their privacy. As someone in a mixed orientation marriage, I live a life deemed controversial by the world’s standards, and it isn’t fair to my children to be associated with their dad’s choices. I also have strong reasons to not have my personal blog associated or tied back to my professional life. I have a great job, but work in an industry so “progressive” that they ironically don’t have much understanding or room for my choices and situation. SO: I plan on keeping up the pseudonym. But, in the name of greater authenticity, I’m also willing to connect using my real identity with any sincere reader who reaches out to me through the blog email. In other words, I won’t correspond outside the blog in any way using a false identity. I plan on sharing my blog openly in a few forums and already there are quite a few people who know I write this. So while I’m not going to put my name literally on the blog where it can be searched for and associated openly with me, privately I plan to be quite open moving forward. I’ll be discontinuing my “Obadiah” social media accounts I created back when I first wrote this blog. There will be no second persona to speak of, just the use of the pseudonym here on my blog.

·         Cadence: When I first started the blog I was writing very consistently, sometimes 2-3 times per week. Well, time was one of the reasons I stopped blogging to begin with and my life hasn’t gotten any less busy. I’m choosing to make time for this, but cannot promise any great frequency or consistency. Right now I have a rough goal of aiming for weekly posts, and that sounds pretty ambitious, frankly. (Did I mention I have 3 kids now?) Also, don’t worry; posts won’t all be this super-long.

May the Lord bless you, wherever you are at,

--Obadiah

He Will Make It More (John 6:5-14)

Remember how in my last post (over seven months ago) I mentioned that I’d been dating a girl? Well, to make a really long story really short, we got married! Now, this obviously changes the nature of this blog a little bit. In the past, the intro at the top has always read, “I'm a college-going Latter-day Saint man who lives all the commandments happily. I hope to marry an elect daughter of God in the temple and have children someday, despite the fact that I'm attracted to men. For now the only passionate relationship I'm in is with the scriptures, and this blog is the story of that relationship.” Obviously I had to tweak that a bit.

I know that a lot of you (most especially those of you also experiencing SSA) want to hear a lot more details on how I got to this point, what the struggles have been, advice, etc. You probably think I’m a block-head for not having put up my thoughts throughout the whole dating period. My response: you’re probably right. As lame as it sounds, the main reason I didn’t was lack of time. I actually have about 5 half-written posts waiting in the wings, and I do intend to finish at least a few of those and post them still. I also hope to still post some of the many lessons I learned during the dating period over the coming weeks, I will have at least a little bit more time than usual this month before school starts back up again. As for this post, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I’ve been mulling about marriage, despite the incredibly brief period of experience I have on the subject.

A couple years ago one of my best friends got married. While searching for a gift, I came across a print of a painting by Simon Dewey of the young man who offered his 5 barley loaves and 2 small fishes, with which Christ fed the 5000. This is one of the few stories that actually shows up in all four of the Gospels. Following is the account from John 6:5-14, which I especially like as it is the only one to actually mention the young man who donated the food (I also quite appreciate John’s commentary asides):

When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat?

And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do.

Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little.

One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, saith unto him,

There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?

And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand.

And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would.

When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.

Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.

Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.

The painting, shown below, is a masterful work and I appreciated it, though it certainly was not what I had in mind as a wedding gift until I saw the title the artist had given it: He Will Make It More. It seemed to me that this was great advice for a celestial marriage: letting Christ make more out of the little we give so long as we give our all, and I said as much in my letter attached with the gift. At my own wedding recently, that same friend and his wife gave my wife and I a card reminding me of the painting and offering the same advice I’d given them. I haven’t been married long yet, but already I’ve begun to see how very real this principle is.

Being a partner in a marriage is a monumental thing. In many respects, I think it can be far more overwhelming than the prospect of suddenly finding one’s self in charge of providing food for a crowd of 5000. You find yourself immediately confronted with all of your own shortcomings and inadequacies, keenly aware of how they could prevent you from being the kind of person your spouse deserves. There are lots of wonderful, happy times, and there are some rough patches and misunderstandings both before and after the wedding ceremony. Marriage is a celestial thing, but we are currently telestial beings, incapable of completely living up to the responsibilities of marriage. Nonetheless, when we offer up all we have to God and to our spouse (the other parties of the covenant), He will make it more. It is important that we always give our offering to our spouse just as much as we do to God. You can’t hold part of yourself back from your spouse, for you’ve made promises to give them your whole self, just as they’ve promised to give you themselves also.

Like the lad in the story, our offering must be willing, but size doesn’t matter. As Andrew asked, what are five loaves and two fishes among so many people? The order fell dramatically short, but all Christ needed was the willing offering. When we give that offering, as in the story, we will find ourselves and our loved ones with us filled, with extra to spare. He will fill us with His love, which makes up the difference in what we lack and will improve our weaknesses into strengths and multiply our strengths into greater strengths. I have seen him make me into more than I was, and improve my capacities so that I could be more of the man my wife deserves. I have seen Him do the same for her also, and our joy has increased and we have grown continually closer and closer. However inadequate you feel to be a husband or wife, if you give your all, He will make it more. That’s what He does.

It has been said quite wisely by many others on many occasions that getting married is not going to “cure” anyone of same-sex attraction, and nobody should ever get married merely in hopes that it will make those feelings, temptations, and experiences go away, because it won’t and because that is a really lousy, shallow, self-serving reason to marry someone. I want to make it clear that I agree 100% with all of those sentiments. Getting married so you can “cure” yourself of anything is like reducing your spouse to the value of a therapy session or a Tylenol. Don’t go setting yourself up for a divorce by rushing into a marriage for the wrong reason, especially only to discover that it won’t “cure” you after all. Opposite-sex attracted folk don’t find themselves suddenly no longer attracted to other women or immune to sexually deviant temptation just because they get married. If so, there would be no adultery. Likewise, if you think a man is hot now, chances are you’re still going to think so after you marry a girl. That is vitally important to understand in advance.

Now, that last paragraph probably seemed a bit off-topic, and it was. However, I needed to make sure I was clear about that so that nobody misconstrues what I’m about to say, or cites it to claim that marriage is in any way a cure for being gay. I merely want to share one of the deeply personal ways I’ve seen Christ take my meager offering and expand it in my marriage. I do so carefully and ask for your respect for what I’m about to share, especially as it isn’t a very easy thing for me to express.

I find my wife gorgeous. She has a stunning natural beauty. It’s great; it’s also NOT why I married her, though it is a wonderful thing. I chose to marry her because I love her; because I love God immensely and so does she; because she is jaw-dropping intelligent and intellectual; because she has a kind heart and loves to serve; because we get along splendidly and have wonderfully fun adventures together. In those and many more ways, I am very attracted to my wife. However, despite the fact that I find her beautiful, I cannot say that prior to our marriage that I was aroused sexually by her. Now, in many ways that is because we tried quite specifically not to be in situations that would have aroused either of us, but beyond that, for me it was quite obvious that my SSA was an obstacle there. I’ve definitely seen young Mormon couples who get married quite specifically so they can have sex. Certainly there are other reasons in most of those cases, but for some folks being able to have sex is pretty high on the list of reasons why they tie the knot. That was not the case for me. Sex wasn’t even on the list. I married her for who she is, and because the thought of going through life with her by my side and being old with her and being exalted with her is the happiest train of thought I’ve ever had.

If you are a young same-sex attracted man who gets aroused seeing two men kiss but can lose that arousal twice as fast by seeing a picture of a naked girl, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve had far more sexually-themed dreams about men than women, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve never had to look away when a girl in a bikini goes by because it doesn’t faze you, but the shirtless dude next to her makes you blush, I’ve been where you are. In many of these instances, I’m pretty much still where you are, and I know that it means you are especially terrified of marriage perhaps above all because the idea of sex with a woman is not only unappealing, but perhaps even borderline disgusting to consider. It is for you that I offer the following insight: it is okay to not get married for sex. In fact, it’s a lot better to have lots of other more meaningful reasons to get married. If you find someone for which those other reasons apply, don’t let that obstacle hold you back from marrying someone you love. I reiterate again: the love must be real and there must be substantive reasons for you to want to marry her. BUT, if you choose to marry and give your all to her and to the Lord, as weak and flawed as it may be, He will make it more. He will bless your union with beautiful physical intimacy so long as you offer your heart willingly and completely to God and your wife. I can’t fully explain it, nor am I going to delve into any details in what is truly a very sacred, personal matter between my wife and me, but I can assure you that if you are fully committed in a righteous marriage, then in whatever aspect of marriage you feel you have shortcomings, if you rely on Him then He will make it more.

Sincerely,

OBADIAH

The Man Whom God Correcteth (Job 5:17)

I have not blogged here for a while, and it has certainly NOT been from lack of things to write. In fact, I have so much I wish I could write about that I think I'll have to write a number of posts over the Christmas break while I have more time than usual. Admittedly, it has been a lack of time that has been the major cause for my lack of writing. Let me just first begin with a quick list of some very major relevant updates in my life and the SSA world generally from the last 2.5 months:

• The Church launched a new official web-page specifically devoted to same-sex attraction issues. It is fantastic. Take a look if you haven't seen it already: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/
• (Gay) Mormon Guy, the blog which I've mentioned numerous times here and which had a profound impact on my, unveiled himself from anonymity in a beautiful post last month. His real name is David Peterson and here is the post: http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2012/11/david-im-the-author-of-gay-mormon-guy.html
• This blog reached its year-mark! It was Thanksgiving weekend of last year when I began this blog and a very interesting journey of self-discovery that I've reflected on a lot over the last few weeks especially.
• Last, but certainly not least (and this is hands down the #1 reason I haven't had as much time to blog)... since mid-October I've had a girlfriend. A few weeks ago we even talked about my SSA and it hasn't been an issue at all in the relationship. That subject of course will have to be an entire post of its own, which I promise to write at some point during the next week or two. But I feel like I need to get some other thoughts out in this post before I can write that one.

For now, I'd like to focus especially on the third bullet above: reflecting on the last year of my life and my journey confronting my SSA rather than ignoring it or pretending it isn't there. This blog records a good portion of my reflections upon that journey (with the obvious exception of some chronological holes when I didn't write as much--especially during the summer). I'm amazed at the evolution of my thoughts about myself and my relationship with my own SSA. I have to admit that while many of my early posts are extremely valid emotional outpourings that adequately described my state at the time, they do not all necessarily represent how I feel now. Some of them are very simple in areas that I now see with greater complexity, while others which I once saw quite complexly now seem so very simple.

One thing is sure: I am more stable and sure now than I was a year ago regarding my SSA. Some of that has been incredibly painful. For example, my post from October discusses some of my feelings from those summer months when I didn't blog for a while. It really doesn't tell the whole story in terms of the actual events which triggered those feelings, and I don't know if I'll ever record those here, but I learned incredible lessons from those things. I was made to confront some major weaknesses and make a couple sacrifices in order to grow. But guess what? The happiness I've attained in the recent months as I've been a better person makes that pain totally worth it. Below is a verse from our wise friend Job that adequately sums up these sentiments. From chapter 5, verse 17:

"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore, despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty."

The last few days I've been pondering a few additional weaknesses and have had my eyes opened to very clear ways the Lord is offering to help me to overcome them. I can already clearly see some pain and sacrifice that are required, but looking back in amazement at how far I've come over the last year, I feel already a sense of happiness to begin the process of working on them.

The great thing about being corrected is that by definition it makes us more correct, and why would we not want to be correct? The great thing about being corrected by the LORD, is that the alternative is to be corrected, or more likely mis-corrected by others or, perhaps most terrifyingly, ourselves! From experience, that tends to end in disaster.

May I end this post of reflection on the last year by giving a special thank you to a follower of this blog? Her name is Emily. She found my blog through one of my Obadiah tweets on Twitter back in early December of last year and to my knowledge was the first human other than myself to ever read it. She was certainly the first to ever respond or send feedback, which I desperately needed at the time. I had written a handful of posts at that point believing they were being sent into darkness, heard by nobody and it made me feel awfully lonely and insecure. She was the first other human to ever chat with me about my SSA and give me encouragement, even though I'd never met her in person (and still haven't). She regularly comments and send feedback on my posts and I don't think she's ever known how much of a help she was just by reaching out compassionately to a poor confused gay kid she came across on the internet. Likewise many more supporters have followed since then with emails, tweets, FB messages, blog comments, etc. of non-stop support and love. Thank you all so very much.

My best,

Obadiah

A Manifesto on Male Modesty (1 Peter 2:9)

Provo has an inordinate amount of shirtless men. They are always out running, or playing basketball, or playing tennis, or just walking around the apartment courtyards. If you are an average Provo-dwelling guy, you are probably not as keenly aware of this fact as girls (and guys like me) are.

Is it just me, or does there seem to be an air of hypocrisy in this? BYU's campus newspaper is constantly running letters to the editor from men on campus complaining about the general lack of modesty of some of the girls on campus. I know of at least one instance of a guy who has made such complaints and who I regularly see running shirtless. And how many letters does the newspaper get about the modesty of men? I have yet to read one. So this is my own declaration of what I feel is an important but oft-neglected component of the modesty discussion: the need for increased modesty among men.

Elder Robert D. Hales of the quorum of the twelve taught the following in an article from the Ensign Magazine, August 2008:

"Some Latter-day Saints may feel that modesty is a tradition of the Church or that it has evolved from conservative, puritanical behavior. Modesty is not just cultural. Modesty is a gospel principle that applies to people of all cultures and ages. In fact, modesty is fundamental to being worthy of the Spirit. To be modest is to be humble, and being humble invites the Spirit to be with us."

He also taught in that same article that modesty was one of the first lessons taught to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, where God made coats of skins for them to cover their nakedness. "Like Adam and Eve," he continues, "we have been taught that our bodies are formed in the likeness of God and are therefore sacred."

 When I was younger, before I had faced and confronted my attractions, I used to think it was silly how many guys turned their heads and really struggled when they saw immodest girls. I thought it was just a lack of effort on the part of the guy to keep his heart and thoughts pure, mostly because I didn't experience much of the same sensation and it thus wasn't very hard for me to not look. I just thought they needed to try to be more righteous or something. Confronting my attractions though has made me realize how much harder it is for me to not look when I see an attractive guy running by with no shirt (and for whatever reason, the inordinate amount of shirtless men in Provo all seem to do an inordinate amount of working out). I now empathize much more with my non-SSA peers who struggle when they see an immodest girl and actually respect the great effort they are making evident in their struggles.

And yet, it seems that more and more I hear related to the topic of modesty a refutation of the effect on others as a valid reason for modesty advocacy. I hear people claim frequently that if a guy can't keep his thoughts clean when he sees a less-than-modestly dressed girl that it is HIS fault not hers. There is actually a lot of truth to this, and it is something that is important to consider. New York Rabbi Dov Linzer has said the following wise words on the matter: “By saying that all women must hide their bodies, they are saying that every woman is an object who can stir a man’s sexual thoughts. Thus, every woman who passes their field of vision is sized up on the basis of how much of her body is covered. She is not seen as a complete person, only as a potential inducement to sin.” This is a very important point to consider, for the great object of modesty is to de-objectify individuals, and we thus need to be careful to be sure that our very discussion on modesty doesn't in fact objectify anyone all the more. And it is true that it ultimately IS the responsibility of each individual to "watch [them]selves, and [their] thoughts" as King Benjamin taught (Mosiah 4:30). Nobody is responsible for your thoughts but YOU. Admittedly, it isn't always very easy to control them and sometimes they control us instead, but I've addressed that in greater detail in other posts.

Understanding that it is the responsibility of each person to guard their own thoughts regardless of whatever outside factors are thrown at them, we still shouldn't be making excuses for immodesty. If a person wants to quit smoking, it is much harder if others are offering him cigarettes all the time. We will never eradicate temptation, but where it exists and we can do something to lessen it, we should if by lessening it we can help more people be better. I get concerned when one person's call for greater modesty gets shot down by someone saying, "well, it is your fault that you have bad thoughts when someone dresses that way." The logic seems to be that the weakness of one person excuses the actions of another. Bob is not perfect, but that should not give Sally free reign to do whatever she wants. We have a responsibility to each other, and when Sally's actions aid in causing Bob to stumble when she could choose another option that wouldn't do so, it is the right thing to do for Sally to make the choice that better enables Bob to be better. Bob still needs to work on his own problems independent of what Sally does.

Furthermore, as mentioned above from Elder Hales, modesty is a commandment. Regardless of the effects on other people, the moral compass of a member of the covenant points towards obeying what God has asked of us. If I lived in a society of blind individuals who could never see how I am dressed, it would still be my responsibility to dress modestly because it is what I have promised to do. None of the others in my hypothetical world would ever know if I chose to walk around shirtless, and thus none would ever by stimulated one way or another, but I would know and God would know. Modesty, like wearing garments, is an "outward expression of an inward commitment." It is a reminder of where I have placed my allegiances. In that blind world, there would still be great benefit in my modesty for me personally, as it would serve as a reminder to me of my relationship with God and the fact that He has loved me enough to make promises with me.

So, thus far what I've written has MOSTLY regarded the topic of modesty generally--these things apply equally to modesty in both men and women. I conclude with a return to a specific focus on male modesty.

As mentioned before, we don't talk about this subject as much. Perhaps it isn't as frequent an occurrence as immodestly among women. Nonetheless, I think it is a bigger problem than we often realize. It seems part of the reluctance to address it also seems to stem from some misconception that for whatever reason it isn't "as bad" for men to dress immodestly as girls do. Could it just be that women are better at controlling thoughts than men are and so it doesn't seem like such a big deal? Well, while I'm sure that women probably ARE as a general rule better at controlling thoughts than guys are, I know they aren't perfect or immune (and I KNOW it has an effect on guys like me). Bob has as much obligation to Sally as she does to him.

Besides detrimental side-effects a shirtless guy can have on a girl, he also isn't doing a favor to his fellow men. From my own observations, and this does not apply to everyone, but when men parade shirtless there seems to be an increased "show-off" factor to the immodesty. As I mentioned before, an unusually high percentage of those who I see running by bare-chested everyday seem to be not only in shape, but quite well-toned physically. Once again, I'm not saying that every physically fit guy who runs shirtless has a Narcissus complex or even that he's consciously trying to impress ANYONE. But there often does seem to be pride hiding in immodesty, just as much as that earlier quote from Elder Hales tied modesty to humility (in fact, the words in some contexts are used as synonyms). The "show-off" aspect occurring in much of male immodesty harms the soul of the immodest man by pride, and can be a detriment also to the self-esteem and confidence of his fellow men. Once again, Bob is not directly responsible for the feelings of esteem in Johnny any more than he is for Sally's thoughts, but he does still serve as a negative influence rather than a help.

Finally, as I said already, the ultimate reason a Mormon man should remain modest is because he has made promises to do so. It was fascinating to me as I was looking up modesty in the Topical Guide (a study reference index of topics included in the back of the LDS edition of the KJV Bible) that after the main list of scriptures it gave on the subject, in the "See Also" section that points to additional related passages, it listed 1 Peter 2:9. I found it kind of odd to see that verse listed as relevant to modesty as that is not usually what we use that verse for. However, with some thought I began to see how very relevant it actually was to the subject and that it is particularly addressed to the men of the Church. It says:

"But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light."

Brethren: we of the priesthood have a responsibility to SHOW (the older English form "shew" is used in the verse) the world our praises of God. There are other verses that talk about singing our praises of God or proclaiming them. This one says we SHOW them. And what greater praise can we give to God than to keep the promises we've made to Him? The actions we show publicly are the first indication the world has of where our allegiances lie. I understand the convenience of running shirtless, because I run a lot and I sweat inordinate amounts whenever I do. But by wearing a shirt, perhaps especially when it comes out as soaking wet as mine do, I leave no room for doubt that I've chosen to be modest in my appearance. I pray we may all as priesthood brethren reflect the royal army that we are. And this army has no need to show off rippling pectorals, for there is a greater need for examples of those who consistently work-out spiritually.

So this is my manifesto: let us spread the word to gladly encourage our brethren to live up to the same standards we always ask our sisters to maintain. I don't often ask for you, my loyal readers and supporters, to share my posts, but I'm making a plea this time. If you agree that there is an importance in emphasizing modesty for BOTH men and women, please send this along if for no other reason than to stimulate discussion on and awareness of the matter.

My best,

Obadiah

P.S. Perhaps sharing this post will also scare some of the more machismo shirtless men into modesty since they may not have realized previously that in trying to impress girls they may have also been turning the heads of guys like me along the way. ;)

He First Loved Us (1 John 4:19)

Do you remember that time I totally had that major crush on that guy I nicknamed "Methuselah" here on the blog and had a series of posts related to him? Well, I'm gonna need to conjure up another pseudonym for another person in my story. Let's call him "Habakkuk." Like Methuselah, Habakkuk is another man I liked, and this time I really fell pretty deeply in love with him a couple months ago. As with my telling of the Methuselah saga, it is easier for me to write about the feelings and experiences a few months after the fact so as to give proper time to digest and process each experience fully (it's also harder to share when things are so fresh in the mind). My story with Habakkuk is a bit more complicated than my Methuselah story because unlike Methuselah, Habakkuk is another SSA guy like me.

I knew I was physically attracted to him, obviously, the first time I saw him. I still am and probably always will be. But that's nothing new. I've dealt with that before. However, once I got to know him I soon discovered how well I connected with him in pretty much every possible way--socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. It didn't take long for that initial physical attraction to blossom into something much deeper. Part of me soon wanted very much to be in a relationship with him. And those feelings started me on an intense journey of self-discovery which would ultimately transform my relationship with God.

I knew all along that I needed to tread carefully since he was also SSA and seemed to be connecting with me almost as much as I was with him. Luckily for me, he wasn't as attracted to me which I'm sure helped things a lot. I actually don't feel much of a need nor a desire to lay out the details of how our friendship grew. I think I'll just skip ahead to a critical conversation I had with God.

We had just had a very emotional night, discussing the feelings we'd had and I confessed to him that I'd fallen in love with him and was so sorry. We talked about needing to have some space for a little while. It was a very painful discussion that I didn't take very well, breaking into tears several times. I knew what the right thing to do was and was doing it. We hadn't done anything wrong, and in fact were each showing great courage in that moment doing what was right. Things have gone much better since that night and I'm happy to report that my relationship with Habakkuk has been one of the healthiest, most meaningful friendships I've ever had. But later that night I had a discussion with God that changed my life.

Have you ever been angry at God? It is a strange experience. When we are angry with God, we are still expressing faith that He exists, and yet we aren't expressing much support of what He does. It feels wretched and shameful, yet self-sustainably indignant at the same time. I haven't felt that way very many times in my life (this might be the only time logged in my memory in fact!). But that night amidst the many confusing and conflicting emotions I felt, I did in fact feel a very genuine anger towards God. I've had too many experiences confirming my faith to me to doubt His reality, but my desires for Habakkuk made me angry at Him that night. For a moment it simply didn't seem fair that the gospel forbade me to have a relationship with someone I'd fallen in love with. Whenever I feel shame, my typical first reaction is to run from God. Not so with this anger: I got on my knees and confronted God in prayer.

On my knees, sobbing, I asked God why I couldn't be with this man. Why can't I date, marry, and build a life with him? Even in my indignation, God answered. He answered swiftly, softly, and directly. The thought came to my heart and mind almost immediately: "Well, you CAN build a relationship with him IF you love him more than you love Me." It was a very gentle response. Disarmingly gentle. He even filled me with an understanding that I could be very happy temporally in a relationship like that, but that I would always KNOW that I'd done so at great cost. There are many paths to happiness in THIS life, but if I chose that one it would be at the forfeiture of a celestial glory and I would make that choice knowing full well of that consequence.

I love the writings of John the Beloved. He is one of the most profound writers in all of the scriptures, and his extensive writings on love in his first general epistle have long been among my favorite scriptures. However, there was always one verse that I never understood, and which in fact troubled me quite deeply until this experience. In 1st John 4:19 we read:

"We love him, because he first loved us."

It is a short thought wedged between two other verses which are each among my favorites and which have never confused me in the least. But this one was certainly a conundrum. It always seemed like a very silly reason to love God. I guess I was always reading it as meaning we loved him out of some sense of debt because He loved us first so we owed it to Him or something. And that didn't sit well with me. But now there I was, angry at God and met with a feeling of calmness and love in return to my indignation. He gave me a pure love that opened my understanding and I couldn't help but feel a desire to return it. I suddenly realized that His ability to love us first despite our weakness and imperfection is WHY He is worth loving so much and that the love He sends first is often the conduit to a transforming power enabling us to truly love Him deeper. The love He first sends us inspires us to love Him in return. It is an unconditional love, and therefore bears no gravity of debt demanding repayment. He made it very clear that He didn't require me to love Him and that if I chose to love Habakkuk more that was entirely up to me. And yet that love itself changed me deep down. How could I NOT love Him more? I learned that day that I loved Him because of the love He had first for me.

I should add also that my story here doesn't account for the fact that Habakkuk would have also had to have loved me more than he loved God in order for us to have ever had a relationship. And I knew him well enough to know how much love he has for God and that even if I DID love him more than I loved God, he would never feel that same way. (That is one reason I've felt so safe with him.) I do still love him very deeply, but I love God more, and that love for God has transformed the love I have for my fellow SSA brother into something purer and better. I love him even deeper now than I did then, but in a holier way. Perhaps that's why the Great Commandments--to love God and to love our fellow men--are ordered in the way they are. When we love God first, it enables us to love others more purely than we ever could if we placed them ahead of God.

Grace and Godly Sorrow (Moroni 10:32-33)

In December I wrote a post called "Grace and Gasoline" that discussed the necessity of Grace for our salvation, comparing it to gasoline in a car. If you haven't read that post, you may want to go back and read it first. I suppose it isn't essential to understand this one, but I may draw back on things I said in that post and assume you know what I'm talking about. You've been warned.

Anyway, the subject of Grace has been on my mind a lot more the past few weeks, and I felt like it would be helpful to write another post on the subject. In my earlier post on Grace, I emphasized its importance and the fact that it is an enabling power. In this post, I'd like to discuss more specifically HOW it acts as that enabling power, including some specific ways I've seen Grace manifest in my own life and the divine role of Godly Sorrow in the process of sanctification, as opposed to its counterfeit, shame.

So, let's dig right into it, shall we? In that last post I proposed a rather in-depth analogy comparing Grace to gasoline, enabling us to move forward. It's a mighty nice thought, but do we see examples in the real world? I think even recognizing that Grace somehow plays a role along the way, we fail sometimes to grasp what that role is. I'm sure I still do in many ways. But I've recently come to see very clearly at least a little manifestation of Grace acting as the fuel which propelled me forward. I want to begin with a scripture from literally the closing verses of the Book of Mormon. In Moroni 10:32-33 we read:

32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. 
33 And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot. 

And so, in these verses, among the very last words of Moroni before he sealed up the plates, we see God's great plan revealed: to make us perfect and holy. Note that Moroni doesn't neglect our part (in the analogy, if you remember, it is still up to us to drive the car). Thus, we must put forth our effort to deny ourselves of all ungodliness. In other words, our desire and action need to be there in order for all of this to work--God won't force us to improve if we don't desire it. But the gas is absolutely essential for the car to move forward when we push down on the peddle. Moroni here uses one of my favorite words to describe this perfection process: SANCTIFICATION. It is sad to me how few latter-day saints understand this concept. The word itself literally means "to make holy." It describes what Grace DOES. It is what life is all about: conversion. We are hopefully throughout out lives constantly in the process of being converted from raw, natural men and women, into divine beings. Sometimes we choose instead to be converted in the opposite direction. But with God's help we can choose godliness, thanks to Grace and the power of sanctification.

So, now let me humble myself a bit and share some of my own experiences with you and how I've seen grace manifest in my life. I've written on two previous occasions about a friend of mine I find especially attractive who I've code named "Methuselah" for the purposes of this blog. In the previous 2 posts I've written about him, I alluded to the concept of impure thoughts and how we can keep them at bay. Those are great posts of advice on how to help keep thoughts clean--at least our side of it. Those posts detail well how we put our foot on the gas and steer the car, as per the road trip analogy of Grace. But overcoming impure thoughts I had about "Methuselah" required more than my own effort. Today I want to tell you that Grace changed my heart, enabling me to overcome those thoughts.

When I confessed to my bishop about the thoughts I'd had, he gave me a beautiful analogy. He said that there's nothing wrong with a bird flying over our heads, and perhaps sometimes even landing there! But if we let him build a nest in our hair, that is entirely our fault. Sadly, in the case of "Methuselah" several months ago I had begun to let the bird build a nest. I allowed myself to conjure up some pretty awful fantasies involving the two of us in my head. Now, once again, my previous posts (which are linked to in the previous paragraph) detail the things I did personally to overcome those impure thoughts. If you are struggling with keeping your thoughts pure, please read the advice I offer there for "chasing the bird away" so to speak. But also keep reading this post, because I think the most important part of the equation is relying on Christ to help with the parts we can't do on our own. You see, at the time I genuinely enjoyed those fantasies. I DIDN'T WANT to forsake them. But, I DID recognize the deficiency in my desires. I was able to start putting forth the effort to change before I even entirely desired to, but above all I prayed to God to help my desires change. And at the time I left it at that and moved on and was able to gradually clean up my thoughts. And while I recognized the change in thoughts, I didn't realize along the way how much my desires had changed until this last week actually.

As I mentioned in previous posts, one of the ways I coped with my attraction to "Methuselah" and dispelled bad thoughts was by developing a healthy friendship with him. I've recently done some fun social things with him and have gotten to know him really quite well. This last week, reflecting on the fun friendship and spiritual ways I've gotten to know him also, I was suddenly reminded of the profane thoughts I had about him back in October. In that moment I experienced a huge wave of what the scriptures call "Godly Sorrow." There was no fondness for those thoughts. Only disgust. I honestly couldn't believe that I'd ever allowed my thoughts to go there. I felt sick to my stomach that I'd let such a pure and innocent person be the unwitting victim of such awful thoughts. I felt great sadness; like I'd hurt him very personally. I felt like I'd profaned something very sacred--and indeed I had. But then I was hit with the realization of how sacred that feeling of remorse was. I was reminded of my prayers to God that He would with His Grace help change my desires, something I was not able to accomplish on my own, despite my best efforts. I was able to do lots of other things to cut the thoughts off, but the desires had remained. But in the last few months, my efforts plus grace teamed up and I was transformed. In at least one dimension of my character, I experienced sanctification. Through God's Grace, my heart was changed. I no longer desire unchaste thoughts for "Methuselah" or anyone else now. In fact, the thought disgusts me now! I've been filled with a renewed sense of sacred regard for my fellow men. And I am so full of gratitude for it!

So, let me wrap this post up by commenting a bit more on that feeling of Godly Sorrow. It is very natural to feel sorrow for sin. In fact, this week it was a welcome tender mercy from God that helped me recognize His Grace: it was that sorrow that helped me realize how much cleaner I am as a person, and how far Grace has brought me. Now, I would warn you all to learn to discern between Godly Sorrow and its counterfeit, shame. I recently heard the difference between the two defined as follows: Godly Sorrow is embodied by sadness for sins we've committed, and always serves as a healthy motivator for change, or in some cases a reminder of the change we've made. Shame, on the other hand, is fueled by self-loathing. While Godly Sorrow says, "the things you've done are bad," shame says, "YOU are bad person." Shame undermines the person's self-worth and thus tries to serve to keep us stuck in sin. Shame discourages us and tells us that because we are sinners, why should we even try to change? Or why should we like ourselves? Shame is what can breed suicidal thoughts. Satan wants you to feel shame, and then will tell you it is Godly Sorrow, in order to try to make you believe that you DESERVE to feel such hateful things about yourself. DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE LIES! You are a soul of great worth. You deserve to feel loved by God, because He does love you! He loves you enough to have sent His Son to atone for you, so that you could experience the Grace and Sanctification that will make you more like Him. Along the way, you will naturally feel some Godly Sorrow for your imperfections, but I hope you don't ever let shame hold you too tightly or too long. As the beautiful hymn "I Stand All Amazed" puts it, sometimes recognizing God's atoning love for us can leave us "confused at the grace that so fully he proffers" us. Because I do not yet love perfectly as He does, I too am continually confused by that Grace. Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me enough to die for me!

I hope this second post on Grace has been helpful. I'm sure it won't be my last on this subject. Thank you for reading. I love you all so much!

My best,

Obadiah