I'm a Latter-day Saint who is far from perfect, but trying to do better. I'm married to an elect daughter of God. I'm a father. I am sexually attracted to men. This blog was updated regularly during 2011-2013, and now I'm back starting in 2021 to share new perspectives from new experiences. Throughout my journey, I've relied on an ever-growing and evolving relationship with the scriptures. This blog is the story of that relationship.
I have not blogged here for a while, and it has certainly NOT been from lack of things to write. In fact, I have so much I wish I could write about that I think I'll have to write a number of posts over the Christmas break while I have more time than usual. Admittedly, it has been a lack of time that has been the major cause for my lack of writing. Let me just first begin with a quick list of some very major relevant updates in my life and the SSA world generally from the last 2.5 months:
The Church launched a new official web-page specifically devoted to same-sex attraction issues. It is fantastic. Take a look if you haven't seen it already: http://www.mormonsandgays.org/
This blog reached its year-mark! It was Thanksgiving weekend of last year when I began this blog and a very interesting journey of self-discovery that I've reflected on a lot over the last few weeks especially.
Last, but certainly not least (and this is hands down the #1 reason I haven't had as much time to blog)... since mid-October I've had a girlfriend. A few weeks ago we even talked about my SSA and it hasn't been an issue at all in the relationship. That subject of course will have to be an entire post of its own, which I promise to write at some point during the next week or two. But I feel like I need to get some other thoughts out in this post before I can write that one.
For now, I'd like to focus especially on the third bullet above: reflecting on the last year of my life and my journey confronting my SSA rather than ignoring it or pretending it isn't there. This blog records a good portion of my reflections upon that journey (with the obvious exception of some chronological holes when I didn't write as much--especially during the summer). I'm amazed at the evolution of my thoughts about myself and my relationship with my own SSA. I have to admit that while many of my early posts are extremely valid emotional outpourings that adequately described my state at the time, they do not all necessarily represent how I feel now. Some of them are very simple in areas that I now see with greater complexity, while others which I once saw quite complexly now seem so very simple.
One thing is sure: I am more stable and sure now than I was a year ago regarding my SSA. Some of that has been incredibly painful. For example, my post from October discusses some of my feelings from those summer months when I didn't blog for a while. It really doesn't tell the whole story in terms of the actual events which triggered those feelings, and I don't know if I'll ever record those here, but I learned incredible lessons from those things. I was made to confront some major weaknesses and make a couple sacrifices in order to grow. But guess what? The happiness I've attained in the recent months as I've been a better person makes that pain totally worth it. Below is a verse from our wise friend Job that adequately sums up these sentiments. From chapter 5, verse 17:
"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore, despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty."
The last few days I've been pondering a few additional weaknesses and have had my eyes opened to very clear ways the Lord is offering to help me to overcome them. I can already clearly see some pain and sacrifice that are required, but looking back in amazement at how far I've come over the last year, I feel already a sense of happiness to begin the process of working on them.
The great thing about being corrected is that by definition it makes us more correct, and why would we not want to be correct? The great thing about being corrected by the LORD, is that the alternative is to be corrected, or more likely mis-corrected by others or, perhaps most terrifyingly, ourselves! From experience, that tends to end in disaster.
May I end this post of reflection on the last year by giving a special thank you to a follower of this blog? Her name is Emily. She found my blog through one of my Obadiah tweets on Twitter back in early December of last year and to my knowledge was the first human other than myself to ever read it. She was certainly the first to ever respond or send feedback, which I desperately needed at the time. I had written a handful of posts at that point believing they were being sent into darkness, heard by nobody and it made me feel awfully lonely and insecure. She was the first other human to ever chat with me about my SSA and give me encouragement, even though I'd never met her in person (and still haven't). She regularly comments and send feedback on my posts and I don't think she's ever known how much of a help she was just by reaching out compassionately to a poor confused gay kid she came across on the internet. Likewise many more supporters have followed since then with emails, tweets, FB messages, blog comments, etc. of non-stop support and love. Thank you all so very much.
Last week I wrote a post on the recent panel discussion at BYU, which I attended, and have received the most overwhelming feedback on a post yet since then. This week, I'd like to comment on a related story, namely the YouTube video that was released shortly thereafter, proclaiming an "It gets better" message from self-identified gay and lesbian BYU students. The fundamental goal of the "It gets better" commercials you've probably seen on TV or YouTube is to help prevent suicide of LGBT individuals who are struggling with depression or facing lots of ridicule or attacks on their self-worth as a result of their orientation. Many have scoffed at the campaign because the sponsors of it on a national scale also tend to advocate political objectives such as gay marriage. However, I have to begin by saying that anything which helps prevent suicide and reminds a human soul that they have worth cannot be entirely evil. I can put aside my own differences of opinion with any individual when we can unite on a common goal. If battling suicide and depression are the goal, I'm all for it.
And so we have the BYU video. If you haven't seen it, here it is. If you're pressed for time and can't watch the full 10 minutes, watch at least the last minute to get the gist of it (from about 8:30 to the end):
Some people have raised some concerns about the video, that it is fundamentally ambiguous because of the use of the terms gay and lesbian. People want to know what "kind" of gay Mormons these are: are these those who are planning on a gospel life including full commitment to the law of chastity, or do some plan to eventually leave the church to be in a relationship someday, or try to straddle the two worlds. From personal knowledge and acquaintance with several of those featured in the video (they actually don't know about my own SSA; I know them from classes I've shared with them), I can report that the video includes both. And why shouldn't it? In a way, this simply underscores the fact that disagree as some of us may on our approach to being latter-day saints experiencing same-sex attraction, there are some things we can agree on, especially in reassuring those who are trapped in uncertainty and self-loathing that things get better. Nobody in the video attempted to prescribe to anyone else what the correct course of action is.
I want to raise my own voice of hope today for all who have a rough time. As I contemplate that phrase, "it gets better," I've thought about the reasons why and how that fact manages to be true, regardless of one's approach to the whatever trial they are facing. And honestly, it seems to come from several things. Things get better because we as humans adapt. We learn to cope and the initial shock and trauma of coming to terms with something unexpected subsides. People around us also change. Those who say hurtful things today usually change and soften with time also. When any new circumstance besets us in life, we sometimes have to learn to approach our life differently, which can be hard; but, eventually we succeed and move forward as before. This is the nature of life, and seems to be able to apply to any trial, hardship, change, circumstance, etc. that besets us. So, we've established that it WILL get better. What I've also learned though, is that the WAY it gets better is largely up to us and how we react to our situation.
It was almost a year ago that I started to confront my same-sex attraction in a healthy way for the first time in my life. May and June of last year were two of the most emotionally confusing months of my life. I had been telling myself every day for almost 10 years up to that point that I didn't have this problem, because I didn't want to acknowledge it and didn't want it to be real. But I knew there were some pretty significant emotional stumbling-blocks being ignored and I wasn't making any progress in dating, or in coping with certain bouts of depression. I finally concluded that I couldn't ignore it anymore.It's been said that insanity means doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That had been my approach so far: continually ignoring and repressing, expecting the feelings to somehow therefore magically go away and allow me to find my happily ever after. Recognizing this, I knew I needed to change things up, so for the first time in my life I began to allow myself to acknowledge those feelings and try to discern what they meant.
I went to the internet to try to find answers. My searches generally only produced a feeling of deep despair, sure that nobody else out there experienced this trial who didn't eventually leave the Church. I started reading a lot of anti-Mormon rhetoric on the subject from former members who had left the Church to pursue same-sex relationships and found blog after blog filled with such stories. I got tangled up in reading erotic homosexual literature online and occasionally contemplated possibly finding a guy to hook up with to experiment with my homosexual feelings. I'm not going to delve into the complete details of this rather dark period of my life here on this blog. But I faced severe depression at that time and genuinely didn't know what was going to happen to me. I could see some addictive patterns setting in with the erotic literature and anti-Mormon words. My scripture study was having ups and downs and my prayers shortened significantly, as I felt like every time I prayed I merely wanted to check in with God out of a sense of duty, then flee from Him because I was ashamed of myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, least of all God. And I hated myself deeply. I knew that the things I was reading were addictive and wrong, as were some of the thoughts I was having. I knew in theory that the Church only condemned actions, not feelings, and yet somehow I seemed to believe that applied to everyone except me--that my thoughts of attraction for certain men made me evil.
An additional side note on erotic literature: if you are tangled up in reading that garbage, stop now. You will justify it by saying it isn't pornography because there are no pictures. That's a load of crap. The point of the literature is the same as pornography, and it fills your mind with just as many bad sexual thoughts. Indeed, it leaves it to you to imagine the scenes described in your head, and you often find yourself filling it with your own friends and acquaintances you find attractive, subjecting them in your mind to horrible acts they would never choose. You are doing exactly what Christ warned against when He spoke of "looking to lust," about which I've written on an earlier occasion. Erotic literature is just another form of pornography when all is said and done. In fact, I might go so far as to say it is WORSE, because often the sexual scenes described were clothed in what seemed like a tender true love story. I still remember one of them I read so vividly because I felt so connected with the principal character and his lover, which will mess with your brain regarding the right and wrong of homosexual relationships. Picture porn is purely carnal. Written porn feeds you the carnal with a mixture of compelling emotions that aim to get you hooked and attached. Oh, and one more thing: looking up the male reproductive system and then other related articles on human sexual behavior on Wikipedia in order to justify certain pictures and written descriptions is also porn if that's what you're using it as. I've been surprised talking with other SSA guys how frequently that is the starting point for porn addictions. It draws you in by telling you that you're just scientifically curious about the subject, when you know the real reason you're there. Lots of us have done it to, but that doesn't make it right. Don't go there! Anyway, back to my story and how I was feeling...
I truly did want to remain faithful. I had a very clear testimony of the Gospel that I had gained through a life of gospel living, including certain experiences through my mid- to late-teens that really confirmed the witness of truth to me. Additional experiences on my mission and since continued to show with remarkable clarity to truthfulness of the gospel. I had seen miracles from the Hand of God and had felt His Spirit in UNDENIABLE ways on multiple occasions. I had no room to doubt the validity and efficacy of the gospel. In many ways, that was the greatest cause of my grief: I knew what was right and saw myself doing what was wrong, feeling helpless along the way. I was still very active in my calling and loved Church and my ward very dearly. But the simultaneity of my righteous and unrighteous pursuits was creating some massive cognitive dissonance. And the loneliest feeling resulted from the fact that I couldn't see any examples of others choosing a path which embraced being both same-sex attracted/gay and an active, practicing latter-day saint in full fellowship. I actually didn't worry about not being accepted if I chose to pursue a sexually active lifestyle in the LGBT community and outside the Church. I had already found online many others who had done the same thing and I knew that while it would break some hearts and sever some relationships, I could ultimately find acceptance elsewhere and things would "get better." I also already experienced the support and belonging associated with active participation in the Church. I've seen many leave the Church because they said they were embracing who they really were, and yet to me it seemed like leaving the Church would do the opposite as I would be cutting off a part of myself even more fundamental than my attractions: my covenant relationship with the Deity whose son I am. And yet I felt trapped. I saw my bad actions and thought I was on an inevitable course to leaving the Church. Nobody would understand me if I said, "I feel attracted to men, but I'm going to remain faithful to God and to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which I know to be His true Church on earth. I want to pursue marriage to a woman, and if that doesn't happen in this life, I will remain celibate."
I actually didn't magically find resolve to these concerns at the end of June. Instead, I left through July and August for an internship abroad and it was a very effective distraction. While I was out of the country, I was so busy with the work I was doing and so very happy doing it, that I had no time to ponder those issues further. I actually thought about them very little and in fact, I almost forgot about them when what seemed like a miracle happened: I met a girl--another BYU student on the same internship--who I loved and was attracted to. Now, as I've mentioned before on this blog, she wasn't the first I was attracted to. But certainly the occasions had been rare. But I liked her so much and felt like maybe all those years of telling myself I wasn't gay had finally paid off and here was my prize. We weren't allowed to date while on the internship, but the next fall back in Provo, I took her on several dates in September and October. We didn't formally date, per se, but we spent a lot of time together and definitely had a mutual pull for each other. I've told this story I think before on the blog. The short of it is, by late October things fell apart and the attempted relationship didn't work out. This threw me psychologically and emotionally back into all the same despair, depression, and confusion I'd felt back in May and June.
I started reading erotic literature again and anti-Mormon blogs, picking up right where I'd left off. But this time, God had a tender mercy in store for me to help knock me in the right direction. It actually was planted before things fell apart with the girl. During conference weekend in October I had been following the #ldsconf hashtag on Twitter. I saw a lot of tweets coming from a user named @GayMormonGuy. I thought that was interesting and was worried it was one of the many former or less-faithful members whose blogs I'd read, perhaps planting derisive comments on Twitter during conference using the hashtag. But all of his tweets were very positive about the Church and conference. Intrigued, I went to his Twitter profile and found his blog address. (A link to the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog can be found at right on my blog list). It was the blog I always had looked for back in May and June but could never find: a faithful latter-day saint who experienced same-sex attraction. But mind you, when I first found this on Twitter, I wasn't yet depressed again. In fact I remember specifically thinking, "Wow. That's cool. But I don't need that anymore anyway, because I have a girl now." And I moved on.
After things fell apart several weeks later, as I said, I initially fell back into the same habits of despair. I actually did not at first remember the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog. I actually was quite busy that semester, so I was slightly more distracted from the issues than I had been in May and June, but he same patterns were reemerging and I felt like I'd squandered a miracle. My same-sex attractions actually really intensified during that time. In fact, it was at that time I really fixated on the one individual I've code-named "Methuselah" in the past here on the blog. My attraction level for girls fell to practically zero as well. But then, things got better. During Thanksgiving break that blog I'd found during conference came back to memory vaguely. It took me a bit of searching, but I found it again... and it changed my life. His story and experiences resonated deeply with me. I felt sometimes like he was describing me perfectly, as if he had seen into my life and heart, but he was just talking about himself. It was a very large blog with over 800 followers at the time, and over 2 years worth of entries, often with daily posts early on. I read the entire thing over Thanksgiving break. I don't know how much reading that is. Definitely comparable to a fairly lengthy book. I've continued to read every post since. And for the first time since confronting my SSA head-on, I felt a true spark of hope, that there could be a happy and faithful life out there for me and at least one other person equally valiant who understood what I was going through. I spent many hours on my knees in sincere prayer. For the first time ever I didn't feel like fleeing from God regarding this issue when I prayed. Instead, I was able to talk to Him about it and feel his reassurance that it didn't make me an evil person and that He loved me and would help me. I felt genuinely happy, though still confused and sorting things out. Things were a substantial emotional roller coaster for a while as I sorted through the pain of some of the regrettable things I'd gotten into and of continuing to recognize and sort out my various feelings and thoughts. But there was definitely a guiding hope that wasn't there before. This blog was actually begun on the last day of that Thanksgiving break as I felt like I wanted to put my testimony out there as another witness for staying true while experiencing SSA, especially to counter all the contrary voices I'd seen and read.
Since that time, things have continually gotten better. You can read through this blog to see many of those things. I won't describe right now in great detail everything that has happened since then, but here is a brief summary of the main milestones in my own path as it has gotten better:
Confiding in and confessing to my bishop, who continues to be a wonderful support and help. He was so kind and understanding as has continued to be so.
Finding a surprising number of additional blogs from faithful LDS individuals with SSA.
Connecting with NorthStar, an online support group for Latter-day Saints with SSA, which really opened my mind to the vast number of people out there like me, reassuring me that I truly wasn't alone.
From NorthStar, meeting a close group of friends with the issue who I am safe with, but who can understand and help and counsel when I'm having a really hard time.
Telling my parents: a sacred experience I've written about earlier on this blog.
Some therapeutic techniques that have helped me truly understand my attractions. I've been able to stop hating myself for liking guys, and be okay with that fact. Meanwhile, while what I've been involved with hasn't been directly focused on diminishing same-sex attractions, it has focused on helping foster and strengthen dormant opposite-sex attractions, and I'm beginning to see that happen. Oddly, my same-sex attractions may have even increased a bit in the process, but so have my opposite-sex ones. So I like more guys AND girls I feel like! This one is definitely still in progress, but I'm filled with hope.
I've left behind destructive approaches to the topic and have repented. I feel clean again and have learned many lessons from the mistakes I've made.
My life is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I still have some really rough days emotionally, and face interesting and trying experiences. I still face misunderstanding, and I still haven't had any dating success. But you know what? My life is better, and it is continually getting even better still. As I said earlier, I've come to understand that no matter how we approach our trials, things DO get better emotionally. But how we approach them DOES affect the WAY it gets better. In the Book of Mormon, we find an "It gets better" message from God which recommends the course we must pursue if we not only want life to get better, but ultimately want our eternal life to be the BEST. In Ether 12:4 we read:
Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.
God wants life to get better for us, and knows it can and will. He promises that hope of things getting better if we trust Him, offering our belief, our faith, and the steadfastness of our good works. That's the simple formula. It has worked wonders for me. When I was pursuing my exploration of this matter in unhealthy ways, I was not happy. I was not guided by hope. I'm sure had I pursued it long enough, I would have found other forms and supplies of happiness in a homosexual relationship. Mormons certainly don't have a monopoly on happiness, and God desires some happiness for all of His children. But, the happiness I feel now comes also with the promise of a more eternally guaranteed and lasting form: a better world and a place at the right hand of God. All things we do in this life will eventually fade and cease, except those things we guarantee for ourselves in the hereafter via covenants with our Father in Heaven. Those covenants bring me an unbeatable source of happiness, and I know they can for you also. Stay faithful and obtain the promises! It does get better, and with God it gets best.
I wish the best truly to you,
Obadiah
P.S. The video featured is only the main video of the BYU It Gets Better Project. There are a couple dozen more which focus more specifically on stories of individuals. Some contain views I don't necessarily agree with, but they certainly have every right to express their differing views, hopefully with the same understanding that they don't decry my own.
Today marks one month since this blog began. It's come a really long way since then, as have I. This blog has been an outlet, a source of therapy, a forum for discussion, and a chance to connect with new friends. I've learned a lot about myself and have treasured the opportunity to view the scriptures through the unique lens of my trials. Here's a quick rundown of the blog's first month:
Total number of visitors: 927
Total number of posts: 19
Countries read in: 10 (top three: United States, Russia, United Kingdom)
These make sense given how much they've been shared and reshared across the internet by loyal readers. Honestly, I couldn't be happier because if I were to pick three favorite posts I'd prefer to see garner attention, these would be them! (Though I'd probably reverse the order). You should expect to see yesterday's post about telling my parents top the list pretty soon though, it is already in fourth place after only 24 hours!
Above all things this blog has been so far, it has been my effort to go to war. Of course, as the "Love thy Neighbor" post listed above explains, my warfare is waged in LOVE ONLY. One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share my blessings, love, and support with others caught in the crossfire. This is a war for the souls of men. I hope no group or individual feels like they are my opponent in it. Indeed, I hope rather to be a comrade to all. The war is on Evil, Hate, Sin, Prejudice, and all other vices Satan employs. I wage the war in my soul every day, but knew that I had insights I could bring to the larger battlefield. Guess what? So do you! As a hymn reminds us:
Then don't stand idly looking on, the fight with sin is real; It will be long but must go on, put your shoulder to the wheel!
If you have a drop of testimony, please share it. We are all enlisted to help each other draw closer to the God of heaven. I have been incredibly supported personally by other blogs here in cyber-world (see my list of great uplifting picks on the side bar--by no means comprehensive!). You may have the words that can help someone struggling! Sometimes the "(Gay) Mormon Guy" blog or "You Don't Know Me" or "Masked Man" or any of the others there on the side have had just the right thing for me. Tomorrow I might need your input.
War is scary. I haven't had fun every minute by any means! I don't enjoy conflict. I regularly now get threatening emails on account of this blog! But the war must be fought today until that great last day when the prophecy of Isaiah (chapter 2:4) will be fulfilled which says:
"And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."
I long for that day. One day peace and righteousness will prevail. In the meantime, welcome to the battle. How are ways you fight?
Well, week two of the blog has been much less post-filled than week one. Explanation: I'm also a regular college-guy and this week was insanely filled with papers and projects and finals-preparation, etc. Anyway...
A long time ago the Children of Israel, under the leadership of Joshua, were marching towards their promised land. Along the way they had to face the walled city of Jericho. Joshua sent spies ahead to scope it out, and they meet a harlot named Rahab, a woman who's religious views and lifestyle really had very little in common with the Israelite spies. She had lots of reasons to reject them, and they had lots of reasons to condemn her, but instead something wonderful happened. Rahab shows kindness to the Israelites, and displays love instead of hate. In return she asks just one thing; from Joshua chapter 2, verse 12:
"Now therefore, I pray you, swear unto me by the LORD, since I have shewed you kindness, that ye will also shew kindness unto my father's house."
She shows them kindness, and only wants kindness in return... and the Israelites oblige. They promise safety to her and her family. Sure enough, when those walls famously come a-tumblin' down, Rahab and her family are unharmed. This story demonstrates the principle I talked about in my last post ("Love thy Neighbor"): the idea that we will not end ignorance and hate with equal ignorance and hate, but with love. The one willing to show kindness first has a greater power to influence their fellows than all the hate of the world. It is a true principle that I had the fortune of seeing really work this past week. Let me tell you about it:
I've mentioned earlier in this blog the respect I have for another LDS man with same-sex attraction who writes a blog called (Gay) Mormon Guy that I absolutely love (and which helped inspire this blog). I have never met (G)MG, but our anonymous gay Mormon blogger selves have an email correspondance we keep up. I asked him how he thought it was best to help get our message out there to make a difference. He had several keen insights he shared with me, among them the idea of commenting on gay life articles in the Huffington Post. Honestly, that idea did not appeal to me whatsoever, especially because I don't enjoy plunging into never-ending political arguments. I don't want to have to drag politics onto my blog either (though I'll have to do a little on this post). I'm pretty moderate politically--which doesn't mean I'm not passionate about some of my views. I'm just my own unique blend of conservative and liberal views, generally leanin a different direction on each issue. But I hate to argue about it, because it stresses me out, so I've learned to stop getting involved in political discussions.
Nonetheless, my blog cannot completely avoid the subject, and I do truly want to get my message out there, so I took (G)MG's advice. I commented on 6 different articles related to gay issues this week on the Huffington post. As a result, my site hits really did surge! One of the articles I commented on was even a highly political one, and that is where my own Rahab story unfolded. Now, obviously I don't want to drag the politics of the article over here, but I do need to give you a little bit about the article for background's sake. The article discussed Rick Perry's condemnation of Obama and Hillary Clinton's comments on World AIDS day regarding the need for more international attention to hate crimes against the LGBT community. Perry said that people of faith would be insulted by that message. There was more to it than that, but I'm sure you can look into it yourselves.
While I'm not really a fan of any of the politicians mentioned here, in this case I had to at least side more with Hillary Clinton's comments than Rick Perry's, as she said some things very similar to my last blog post, which I had written earlier that same day. So, I posted the following comment on the article:
Be sure, I am not trying to endorse the Obama administration or tear down the Perry candidacy here. I was really just trying to draw attention to my own views on the subject, thus why I included the blog link at the bottom of my post (and LOTS of people clicked on it). It didn't take long for me to get some replies posted to my comment. I won't print the first one, as it was a very crudely-worded and counter-productive attack on my faith and on me personally. However, I'll post the second comment generated and the brief converstation which ensued. (Just be aware that when I mention "the other comment" I'm referring to the filthier one I chose not to reprint here). Watch what happens:
(You can click to make it bigger if you can't read it)
See what happened? She initially starts to throw some disapproval at me just because I didn't want to be harder on Perry! In responding, I chose to keep my cool and then the kindness was reciprocated! If I had responded snappily or angrily, it would have undermined my entire message, and none of us would have gotten anywhere. If you ever read comment threads after political articles online, I ask: how often do you see people change their minds in those threads because of someone else's comments? Practically never! All the mean things said usually just cause people to entrench themselves deeper in their own opinions. But when kindness is shown, Rahabs and Israelites can agree, minds are changed as ignorance is replaced with understanding, and hate is replaced with love. Fantastic, eh? Now, I have to take my hat off to this abscs2000 character, since not everyone who is approached with love gets the message and responds accordingly, but she did and it made my day!
So, friends, soldier on! Keep building bridges with kindness and love. It really does work! :) And comment on Huffington Post articles--apparently that works too! (Thanks, (G)MG!)
There is a fantastic blog out there called "(Gay) Mormon Guy" that I'm sure many of you have seen. If you haven't, I highly recommend you check it out. It changed my life.
Like the author of that blog, I am a fully active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who happens to have same-sex attraction. My attractions do not define me, but they certainly play a role in my life.
Nobody knows about my struggle. Thus, I am going to have to be particularly secretive on this blog, so don't expect me to disclose many personal details that could be used to identify me. Given my penchant for lesser-known Old Testament prophets, I've decided to go by the pseudonym Obadiah when writing.
This blog, as I've mentioned, is inspired by another blog written by a man I do not know, but whom I feel is one of my closest friends. His words gave me the courage to accept and understand my condition and to take it to the Lord. I will be perfectly honest with you: this blog is probably going to be pretty similar to that one. Why, then, am I starting it? Well, it isn't intended to be a direct copycat of that one. I am a different person with different experiences and insights to share, though I must say I agree with basically everything he has already written. However, if he's the only one who will have the courage to take the bold stand he has, then the world is in a sorry state. After all, I've read many a "Gay Mormon" blog and sadly observed that the majority of them are not at all about keeping the faith despite having SSA, but rather mere chronicles of testimonies slowly disintigrating. I am joining the battle and encourage others of you out there to do the same. Above all, I am starting this blog because in a very lengthy conversation with God today He told me that I should do so. I don't yet know everything it will become, but I will continue to pray for guidance from Him as I proceed.
One way this blog will especially differentiate itself, is that I plan to focus a lot on the scriptures specifically and the meanings I find in them. Not all the insights I share here will necessarily have to do with same-sex attraction issues, though those will probably get preference.
I will be the first to tell you that I am still figuring things out, but I have a firm testimony of the gospel and a passionate love for the scriptures and want to share those with the world, and especially with others who face these same struggles. If you are scared, uncertain, filled with doubt, or looking for someone to talk to anonymously, please feel free to email me at anothergaymormon@gmail.com or comment on my posts with your questions.
God loves you! I promise!
My best,
Obadiah
P.S. Allow me to note that I do not prefer the terms "Gay" or "Mormon" (I'd rather say same-sex attraction and Latter-day Saint), but as my mentor from the (Gay) Mormon Guy blog has eloquently said regarding the title of his own blog, "Both gay and Mormon are common search terms that describe the nature of my blog. I'd definitely rather use different terms, but people don't search for 'Latter-day Saints dealing with Same-Gender Attraction.' ...People every day... find (Gay) Mormon Guy through search engines"
