He Will Make It More (John 6:5-14)

Remember how in my last post (over seven months ago) I mentioned that I’d been dating a girl? Well, to make a really long story really short, we got married! Now, this obviously changes the nature of this blog a little bit. In the past, the intro at the top has always read, “I'm a college-going Latter-day Saint man who lives all the commandments happily. I hope to marry an elect daughter of God in the temple and have children someday, despite the fact that I'm attracted to men. For now the only passionate relationship I'm in is with the scriptures, and this blog is the story of that relationship.” Obviously I had to tweak that a bit.

I know that a lot of you (most especially those of you also experiencing SSA) want to hear a lot more details on how I got to this point, what the struggles have been, advice, etc. You probably think I’m a block-head for not having put up my thoughts throughout the whole dating period. My response: you’re probably right. As lame as it sounds, the main reason I didn’t was lack of time. I actually have about 5 half-written posts waiting in the wings, and I do intend to finish at least a few of those and post them still. I also hope to still post some of the many lessons I learned during the dating period over the coming weeks, I will have at least a little bit more time than usual this month before school starts back up again. As for this post, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I’ve been mulling about marriage, despite the incredibly brief period of experience I have on the subject.

A couple years ago one of my best friends got married. While searching for a gift, I came across a print of a painting by Simon Dewey of the young man who offered his 5 barley loaves and 2 small fishes, with which Christ fed the 5000. This is one of the few stories that actually shows up in all four of the Gospels. Following is the account from John 6:5-14, which I especially like as it is the only one to actually mention the young man who donated the food (I also quite appreciate John’s commentary asides):

When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat?

And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do.

Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little.

One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, saith unto him,

There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many?

And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand.

And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would.

When they were filled, he said unto his disciples, Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.

Therefore they gathered them together, and filled twelve baskets with the fragments of the five barley loaves, which remained over and above unto them that had eaten.

Then those men, when they had seen the miracle that Jesus did, said, This is of a truth that prophet that should come into the world.

The painting, shown below, is a masterful work and I appreciated it, though it certainly was not what I had in mind as a wedding gift until I saw the title the artist had given it: He Will Make It More. It seemed to me that this was great advice for a celestial marriage: letting Christ make more out of the little we give so long as we give our all, and I said as much in my letter attached with the gift. At my own wedding recently, that same friend and his wife gave my wife and I a card reminding me of the painting and offering the same advice I’d given them. I haven’t been married long yet, but already I’ve begun to see how very real this principle is.

Being a partner in a marriage is a monumental thing. In many respects, I think it can be far more overwhelming than the prospect of suddenly finding one’s self in charge of providing food for a crowd of 5000. You find yourself immediately confronted with all of your own shortcomings and inadequacies, keenly aware of how they could prevent you from being the kind of person your spouse deserves. There are lots of wonderful, happy times, and there are some rough patches and misunderstandings both before and after the wedding ceremony. Marriage is a celestial thing, but we are currently telestial beings, incapable of completely living up to the responsibilities of marriage. Nonetheless, when we offer up all we have to God and to our spouse (the other parties of the covenant), He will make it more. It is important that we always give our offering to our spouse just as much as we do to God. You can’t hold part of yourself back from your spouse, for you’ve made promises to give them your whole self, just as they’ve promised to give you themselves also.

Like the lad in the story, our offering must be willing, but size doesn’t matter. As Andrew asked, what are five loaves and two fishes among so many people? The order fell dramatically short, but all Christ needed was the willing offering. When we give that offering, as in the story, we will find ourselves and our loved ones with us filled, with extra to spare. He will fill us with His love, which makes up the difference in what we lack and will improve our weaknesses into strengths and multiply our strengths into greater strengths. I have seen him make me into more than I was, and improve my capacities so that I could be more of the man my wife deserves. I have seen Him do the same for her also, and our joy has increased and we have grown continually closer and closer. However inadequate you feel to be a husband or wife, if you give your all, He will make it more. That’s what He does.

It has been said quite wisely by many others on many occasions that getting married is not going to “cure” anyone of same-sex attraction, and nobody should ever get married merely in hopes that it will make those feelings, temptations, and experiences go away, because it won’t and because that is a really lousy, shallow, self-serving reason to marry someone. I want to make it clear that I agree 100% with all of those sentiments. Getting married so you can “cure” yourself of anything is like reducing your spouse to the value of a therapy session or a Tylenol. Don’t go setting yourself up for a divorce by rushing into a marriage for the wrong reason, especially only to discover that it won’t “cure” you after all. Opposite-sex attracted folk don’t find themselves suddenly no longer attracted to other women or immune to sexually deviant temptation just because they get married. If so, there would be no adultery. Likewise, if you think a man is hot now, chances are you’re still going to think so after you marry a girl. That is vitally important to understand in advance.

Now, that last paragraph probably seemed a bit off-topic, and it was. However, I needed to make sure I was clear about that so that nobody misconstrues what I’m about to say, or cites it to claim that marriage is in any way a cure for being gay. I merely want to share one of the deeply personal ways I’ve seen Christ take my meager offering and expand it in my marriage. I do so carefully and ask for your respect for what I’m about to share, especially as it isn’t a very easy thing for me to express.

I find my wife gorgeous. She has a stunning natural beauty. It’s great; it’s also NOT why I married her, though it is a wonderful thing. I chose to marry her because I love her; because I love God immensely and so does she; because she is jaw-dropping intelligent and intellectual; because she has a kind heart and loves to serve; because we get along splendidly and have wonderfully fun adventures together. In those and many more ways, I am very attracted to my wife. However, despite the fact that I find her beautiful, I cannot say that prior to our marriage that I was aroused sexually by her. Now, in many ways that is because we tried quite specifically not to be in situations that would have aroused either of us, but beyond that, for me it was quite obvious that my SSA was an obstacle there. I’ve definitely seen young Mormon couples who get married quite specifically so they can have sex. Certainly there are other reasons in most of those cases, but for some folks being able to have sex is pretty high on the list of reasons why they tie the knot. That was not the case for me. Sex wasn’t even on the list. I married her for who she is, and because the thought of going through life with her by my side and being old with her and being exalted with her is the happiest train of thought I’ve ever had.

If you are a young same-sex attracted man who gets aroused seeing two men kiss but can lose that arousal twice as fast by seeing a picture of a naked girl, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve had far more sexually-themed dreams about men than women, I’ve been where you are. If you’ve never had to look away when a girl in a bikini goes by because it doesn’t faze you, but the shirtless dude next to her makes you blush, I’ve been where you are. In many of these instances, I’m pretty much still where you are, and I know that it means you are especially terrified of marriage perhaps above all because the idea of sex with a woman is not only unappealing, but perhaps even borderline disgusting to consider. It is for you that I offer the following insight: it is okay to not get married for sex. In fact, it’s a lot better to have lots of other more meaningful reasons to get married. If you find someone for which those other reasons apply, don’t let that obstacle hold you back from marrying someone you love. I reiterate again: the love must be real and there must be substantive reasons for you to want to marry her. BUT, if you choose to marry and give your all to her and to the Lord, as weak and flawed as it may be, He will make it more. He will bless your union with beautiful physical intimacy so long as you offer your heart willingly and completely to God and your wife. I can’t fully explain it, nor am I going to delve into any details in what is truly a very sacred, personal matter between my wife and me, but I can assure you that if you are fully committed in a righteous marriage, then in whatever aspect of marriage you feel you have shortcomings, if you rely on Him then He will make it more.

Sincerely,

OBADIAH

A Manifesto on Male Modesty (1 Peter 2:9)

Provo has an inordinate amount of shirtless men. They are always out running, or playing basketball, or playing tennis, or just walking around the apartment courtyards. If you are an average Provo-dwelling guy, you are probably not as keenly aware of this fact as girls (and guys like me) are.

Is it just me, or does there seem to be an air of hypocrisy in this? BYU's campus newspaper is constantly running letters to the editor from men on campus complaining about the general lack of modesty of some of the girls on campus. I know of at least one instance of a guy who has made such complaints and who I regularly see running shirtless. And how many letters does the newspaper get about the modesty of men? I have yet to read one. So this is my own declaration of what I feel is an important but oft-neglected component of the modesty discussion: the need for increased modesty among men.

Elder Robert D. Hales of the quorum of the twelve taught the following in an article from the Ensign Magazine, August 2008:

"Some Latter-day Saints may feel that modesty is a tradition of the Church or that it has evolved from conservative, puritanical behavior. Modesty is not just cultural. Modesty is a gospel principle that applies to people of all cultures and ages. In fact, modesty is fundamental to being worthy of the Spirit. To be modest is to be humble, and being humble invites the Spirit to be with us."

He also taught in that same article that modesty was one of the first lessons taught to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, where God made coats of skins for them to cover their nakedness. "Like Adam and Eve," he continues, "we have been taught that our bodies are formed in the likeness of God and are therefore sacred."

 When I was younger, before I had faced and confronted my attractions, I used to think it was silly how many guys turned their heads and really struggled when they saw immodest girls. I thought it was just a lack of effort on the part of the guy to keep his heart and thoughts pure, mostly because I didn't experience much of the same sensation and it thus wasn't very hard for me to not look. I just thought they needed to try to be more righteous or something. Confronting my attractions though has made me realize how much harder it is for me to not look when I see an attractive guy running by with no shirt (and for whatever reason, the inordinate amount of shirtless men in Provo all seem to do an inordinate amount of working out). I now empathize much more with my non-SSA peers who struggle when they see an immodest girl and actually respect the great effort they are making evident in their struggles.

And yet, it seems that more and more I hear related to the topic of modesty a refutation of the effect on others as a valid reason for modesty advocacy. I hear people claim frequently that if a guy can't keep his thoughts clean when he sees a less-than-modestly dressed girl that it is HIS fault not hers. There is actually a lot of truth to this, and it is something that is important to consider. New York Rabbi Dov Linzer has said the following wise words on the matter: “By saying that all women must hide their bodies, they are saying that every woman is an object who can stir a man’s sexual thoughts. Thus, every woman who passes their field of vision is sized up on the basis of how much of her body is covered. She is not seen as a complete person, only as a potential inducement to sin.” This is a very important point to consider, for the great object of modesty is to de-objectify individuals, and we thus need to be careful to be sure that our very discussion on modesty doesn't in fact objectify anyone all the more. And it is true that it ultimately IS the responsibility of each individual to "watch [them]selves, and [their] thoughts" as King Benjamin taught (Mosiah 4:30). Nobody is responsible for your thoughts but YOU. Admittedly, it isn't always very easy to control them and sometimes they control us instead, but I've addressed that in greater detail in other posts.

Understanding that it is the responsibility of each person to guard their own thoughts regardless of whatever outside factors are thrown at them, we still shouldn't be making excuses for immodesty. If a person wants to quit smoking, it is much harder if others are offering him cigarettes all the time. We will never eradicate temptation, but where it exists and we can do something to lessen it, we should if by lessening it we can help more people be better. I get concerned when one person's call for greater modesty gets shot down by someone saying, "well, it is your fault that you have bad thoughts when someone dresses that way." The logic seems to be that the weakness of one person excuses the actions of another. Bob is not perfect, but that should not give Sally free reign to do whatever she wants. We have a responsibility to each other, and when Sally's actions aid in causing Bob to stumble when she could choose another option that wouldn't do so, it is the right thing to do for Sally to make the choice that better enables Bob to be better. Bob still needs to work on his own problems independent of what Sally does.

Furthermore, as mentioned above from Elder Hales, modesty is a commandment. Regardless of the effects on other people, the moral compass of a member of the covenant points towards obeying what God has asked of us. If I lived in a society of blind individuals who could never see how I am dressed, it would still be my responsibility to dress modestly because it is what I have promised to do. None of the others in my hypothetical world would ever know if I chose to walk around shirtless, and thus none would ever by stimulated one way or another, but I would know and God would know. Modesty, like wearing garments, is an "outward expression of an inward commitment." It is a reminder of where I have placed my allegiances. In that blind world, there would still be great benefit in my modesty for me personally, as it would serve as a reminder to me of my relationship with God and the fact that He has loved me enough to make promises with me.

So, thus far what I've written has MOSTLY regarded the topic of modesty generally--these things apply equally to modesty in both men and women. I conclude with a return to a specific focus on male modesty.

As mentioned before, we don't talk about this subject as much. Perhaps it isn't as frequent an occurrence as immodestly among women. Nonetheless, I think it is a bigger problem than we often realize. It seems part of the reluctance to address it also seems to stem from some misconception that for whatever reason it isn't "as bad" for men to dress immodestly as girls do. Could it just be that women are better at controlling thoughts than men are and so it doesn't seem like such a big deal? Well, while I'm sure that women probably ARE as a general rule better at controlling thoughts than guys are, I know they aren't perfect or immune (and I KNOW it has an effect on guys like me). Bob has as much obligation to Sally as she does to him.

Besides detrimental side-effects a shirtless guy can have on a girl, he also isn't doing a favor to his fellow men. From my own observations, and this does not apply to everyone, but when men parade shirtless there seems to be an increased "show-off" factor to the immodesty. As I mentioned before, an unusually high percentage of those who I see running by bare-chested everyday seem to be not only in shape, but quite well-toned physically. Once again, I'm not saying that every physically fit guy who runs shirtless has a Narcissus complex or even that he's consciously trying to impress ANYONE. But there often does seem to be pride hiding in immodesty, just as much as that earlier quote from Elder Hales tied modesty to humility (in fact, the words in some contexts are used as synonyms). The "show-off" aspect occurring in much of male immodesty harms the soul of the immodest man by pride, and can be a detriment also to the self-esteem and confidence of his fellow men. Once again, Bob is not directly responsible for the feelings of esteem in Johnny any more than he is for Sally's thoughts, but he does still serve as a negative influence rather than a help.

Finally, as I said already, the ultimate reason a Mormon man should remain modest is because he has made promises to do so. It was fascinating to me as I was looking up modesty in the Topical Guide (a study reference index of topics included in the back of the LDS edition of the KJV Bible) that after the main list of scriptures it gave on the subject, in the "See Also" section that points to additional related passages, it listed 1 Peter 2:9. I found it kind of odd to see that verse listed as relevant to modesty as that is not usually what we use that verse for. However, with some thought I began to see how very relevant it actually was to the subject and that it is particularly addressed to the men of the Church. It says:

"But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light."

Brethren: we of the priesthood have a responsibility to SHOW (the older English form "shew" is used in the verse) the world our praises of God. There are other verses that talk about singing our praises of God or proclaiming them. This one says we SHOW them. And what greater praise can we give to God than to keep the promises we've made to Him? The actions we show publicly are the first indication the world has of where our allegiances lie. I understand the convenience of running shirtless, because I run a lot and I sweat inordinate amounts whenever I do. But by wearing a shirt, perhaps especially when it comes out as soaking wet as mine do, I leave no room for doubt that I've chosen to be modest in my appearance. I pray we may all as priesthood brethren reflect the royal army that we are. And this army has no need to show off rippling pectorals, for there is a greater need for examples of those who consistently work-out spiritually.

So this is my manifesto: let us spread the word to gladly encourage our brethren to live up to the same standards we always ask our sisters to maintain. I don't often ask for you, my loyal readers and supporters, to share my posts, but I'm making a plea this time. If you agree that there is an importance in emphasizing modesty for BOTH men and women, please send this along if for no other reason than to stimulate discussion on and awareness of the matter.

My best,

Obadiah

P.S. Perhaps sharing this post will also scare some of the more machismo shirtless men into modesty since they may not have realized previously that in trying to impress girls they may have also been turning the heads of guys like me along the way. ;)