The Faith of Eliezer (Genesis 24:27)

In my last post I promised two sequels on my continually evolving thoughts on different groups at the intersection of the LGBTQ+ and Latter-day Saint communities. I promise those are still coming. But I have lots to say and those posts take time to write. And I wanted to get this shorter post up while some thoughts were still on my mind from my scripture study today, and also provide an update on my personal life.

This week’s Come Follow Me reading begins in Genesis 24 with the story of Abraham giving a special request to his chief servant (who is oddly never named in this chapter, but we know his name from chapter 15 to be Eliezer). Abraham asks Eliezer to find a faithful, Jehovah-believing wife for his son Isaac from among his family far away in the land of his birth. Abraham makes clear the absolute importance of this request, which at his age could be the last he ever makes of Eliezer for all he knows. Eliezer understands the weight of the assignment and immediately starts getting really stressed about it.

After making the long trip, he arrives and, worried about his ability to fulfill the assignment and find the right wife for Isaac, prays for guidance and even asks to see the Lord’s hand revealed in a specific way. While he’s still finishing the prayer, his requested sign is given and Rebecca is revealed to be the chosen bride for Isaac through her gesture of compassion in giving water to him and his camels. He is so overwhelmed by the miracle that he immediately prays again, with a pure prayer of gratitude in verse 27:

“And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master’s brethren.”

I’ve heard this story many times. Kind of. We talk about it every four years in Sunday school, briefly between the comparatively more exciting stories of Abraham and Isaac on the mountain, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and soon thereafter Esau’s economically unwise trade of birthright for soup. Compared to the stories of floods, parted seas, slain giants, and lion’s dens throughout the rest of the Old Testament, this simple story can get easily lost and we often move past it as just a "nice" little story. Today, though, it hit me as perhaps one of the most meaningful miracles recorded in scripture specifically because of its non-grandeur and humble personal scale. I can relate far more to Eliezer’s personal miracle and trial of faith than the giant miraculous stories that fill much of the scriptures, because his story reflect my own. We travel long distances not sure if we’re going about doing the will of the Lord in the proper way or if He’s even really there guiding us. But then He shows himself in these small ways that to others can so easily be dismissed as coincidence, but to us in that moment the miracle is real and we see and feel the hand of the Lord. When Moses parts the red sea, nobody can deny the power of the God and the veracity of the miracle. But this miracle was a personal tender mercy just for Eliezer that showed the Lord was there for him and would help him. And for most of us, that is virtually the only kind of miracle we will ever witness.

The last year has brought me a lot of reflection. It has been a year now since I disclosed major transgressions to my wife and bishop and began rebuilding my faith. The journey so far has been both hard at times, and yet remarkably easier than I could have ever hoped for. I have had no significant relapses during this year and no longer even really feel much of a pull towards a lot of the addictions and bad behaviors anymore. I am happy. My wife and I have strengthened our marriage and are the closest we’ve ever been. We’ve had some trials along the way including notably a miscarriage last fall that had subsequent complications requiring surgery for my wife. I think the ways we repaired our marriage better prepared us for that trial. Overall, I’m stunned at the rapid speed which I’ve made so much meaningful progress. I also would be remiss not to cite the amazing power of a great therapist and a local support group who have helped me through many of the most difficult emotional times.

My relationship with God, which 18 months ago was almost nonexistent, has been revived. It is still difficult sometimes. I often feel like Eliezer, pushing forward in the wilderness hoping the Lord will be there when I need Him. I will sometimes travel a few months of my journey where I will feel a spiritual dullness, waiting to see the hand of the Lord revealed. And it always is revealed eventually after patience in small, personal miracles. I am grateful that amidst the mighty earth-shaking miracles, we also have captured this small, tender personal miracle as a reminder of the way most of us “non-prophets” are going to interact with the Lord along the way. And I hope as you seek him that you too will feel the hand of the Lord when you need it, even if you have to push all the way to the well in Haran before you see it revealed.

Waiting on a Miracle: The Singles who Stay (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)

 This post is the first of three in which I plan to delve into my current feelings and reflections on the situations of various sub-demographics at the intersection of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the LGBTQ+ Community, from both a doctrinal and practical perspective. This first post concerns the Singles who Stay.

At risk of being redundant with the many others who have already blogged about Disney’s latest animated hit, Encanto, I’ve decided to join the club. I have not been able to stop thinking about some of the most pivotal themes of the film since I first saw it back in November. Most notably, a heartbreaking sequence and song in the film’s first act has had me reflecting on the challenges of many of my peers in the same-sex attracted Latter-day Saint community.

In case you haven’t seen it and intend to, I’ll give you a very minor spoiler warning for this paragraph and the next. The protagonist, Mirabel, is a young adult in a family where each member was given a magical ability during a rite of passage ceremony as a pre-teen… except her. For some reason, when she was to receive her “gift,” the magical house which bestows them decided to decline, making her the only non-magical member of her generation in the family. She had seen each of her older siblings and cousins receive their gifts before her as they passed through their own magic doors and inexplicably found her own door taken away.

All of this information is revealed as back story, and as the film’s story begins, her younger cousin Antonio is having his own ceremony to receive his gift. She once again finds herself watching someone she loves receive a gift that she does not and rejoice in blessings that she will never know. She then sings a song called “Waiting on a Miracle” that tragically expresses her grief at feeling that not only is her lack of a gift a big enough blow to begin with, but her non-gift status often causes her to feel like an outsider within her own family.

From my very first viewing I have seen so much of the experience of my many good single LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saint single friends reflected in Mirabel’s story. These faithful members often long more than anything for companionship and marriage, and see their brothers and sisters walk through those magic temple doors to claim those blessings again and again. Like Mirabel genuinely celebrates Antonio’s successful claiming of his gift, these members often share real joy in seeing the blessings poured out on their loved ones, even as they also feel the pain of not understanding where their miracle is. Furthermore, they, like Mirabel, can often feel like outsiders in a Church where they are constantly reminded that marriage is central to God’s plan; where so many ward activities are centered around doing things with children they don’t have; where even certain important callings require being married.

I have dear, close friends in this category. Their faith is remarkable, and I believe their course is among the hardest you can choose in the Church given all the circumstances that they didn’t choose. Some still fully anticipate finding marriage someday (a choice I’ll discuss more in part three of this series of posts), while others do not foresee that possibility being within reach. It gets harder when they are given constant reminders, such as while faithfully reading their “Come, Follow Me” assignment a few weeks ago that “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Later this year we’ll study in Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 the following:

                “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

“For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

“Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”

With these constant reminders of the need for companionship, what is a single member of the Church to do? Especially one for whom the prospect of marriage seems perhaps not just dim but impossibly out of reach? Recently David Archuleta posted a heartfelt hour-long reflection on his own personal difficulties in this position. I soon after read a blog-post response from another such member I’ve never met who similarly reflected on this plight and raised the possibility of alternative paths forward that involve fidelity to covenants while filling the need of companionship.

These ideas aren’t entirely new. I’ve heard many gay members of the Church weigh some of these possibilities and before meeting my wife I myself once considered them. Most of them involve the idea of living in a close non-sexual relationship with a person of the same gender while remaining active in the Church. I know several members who currently are in these relationships and making it work. Elder Christofferson’s brother Tom, who has remained single for years as a faithful same-sex attracted member, recently mentioned that he’s contemplating pursing such an arrangement. However, this choice is not without controversy.

These kinds of relationships seem to be within a wide doctrinal gray zone, and there is absolutely no consistency on how local leaders respond. Some have been encouraged by their bishops to seek healthy companionship while staying active, while others have been told by their bishops that these situations are sinful or tantamount to “the appearance of evil” we are told to avoid. So where do I stand on this subject these days?

Well, for starters, let’s ask a more basic question: Should a same-sex attracted person be forbidden from having roommates? That to me sounds ludicrous. I myself had many of them in college. If a member seeking a close companion to live with refers to them as their “roommate” does that make this idea more palatable to those who may resist the idea? There are no rules against having friends, and certainly not against roommates. If a single member has a long-term non-sexual roommate who they are particularly close friends with, travel with, and maybe even share finances with and this gives them a stable relationship that offers happiness and fulfillment, where is the harm in that? And who cares what word is used to describe that relationship. (I go back on forth on words sometimes; words definitely matter, but sometimes we forget that they matter much less than the reality of what they are describing. But that’s a post for another time…) If someone honestly wants to stay in full fellowship in the Church and live up to covenants while not wanting to be lonely, let’s encourage them in those pursuits.

The scriptures are actually overflowing with examples of such close same-sex friendships. Recall the story of two recently widowed women who opted to move in as roommates as Ruth said to Naomi, “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.” (Ruth 1:16).

Consider the relationship between Jonathan and David, which was incredibly close and described thus in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:

And it came to pass… that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father’s house.

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.

This relationship was so close they even formed a “covenant” between them, denoting some formal commitment of their friendship. Further examples are plentiful. Alma and Amulek; Mary and Martha; Joseph and Hyrum. Notable also is the relationship between Jesus Christ and John, referred to as “the Beloved” because of the closeness of his personal friendship with the Savior, and who leaned on the Savior’s breast during the last supper.

Perhaps these stories serve as a reminder to all of us that non-marital relationships, more commonly referred to as friendships, are important and have value. We hear a lot of emphasis on the importance of marriage, but perhaps not enough on the importance of other friendships. The Lord wants us to have and make friends. The singles who stay that I know personally seem to understand the value and power of friendship deeper than most people I know. They’ve come to truly understand that power and I’ve learned a lot from them and their example.

Of course, not all people in this category stay there forever. For some, the dream of marriage eventually works out. Others choose to marry someone of the same gender and either leave the Church entirely or remain but outside of covenants. That too is a topic I’ve reflected a lot upon and will save for part two in this series.

On a final note, I’d like to point out that while many of these members find themselves “waiting on a miracle,” they are not constantly beleaguered by sadness. My friends would definitely give me some reproach if I made it sound like they are eternally depressed. Indeed, they are among the happiest people I know. They so often radiate joy, and that joy comes from their grounding in the gospel, as one of them reminded me very vividly just last night. To all of you who are single but stay, I send you my love, my respect, and my support. I love you.

P.S. If you regularly follow the blog, you’ve probably noticed that my consistency in posting has not been great. I’m a busy dad. So don’t expect parts two and three to come out right away. It’s all written loosely in my head, but getting it written down takes time. Thanks for your patience!

The Image of God (Genesis 1:26-27)

About a week ago I promised a post on body image issues. Well, here it is!

I think that largely I don't typically seem like the "gay stereotype" charicature figure. However, if there is a way I fit the "mold" we've created in society of what gay people are "like," this is probably the biggest one. I have always been very self-conscious about my appearance. In junior high and high school I had lots of thoughts that were borderline anorexic. Now, I have NEVER even approached the line of being overweight. Sometimes I've been UNDERWEIGHT (like, perhaps right now) but I've never had weight issues. And yet in Junior High I always felt like I was fat. It was less so in high school, but still flared up from time to time. I don't ever really think I'm fat anymore. Now I get concerned about lack of musculature or above all: my face. I have experienced severe self-esteem issues from my face. Most mornings I wake up, leave my room, and look in the mirror. My first thought is immediately how I look that day. 9 times out of 10 I'm disappointed. Every now and then I look in the mirror and like what I look like. But not often.

Sometimes when I'm stressed or have low self-esteem I don't eat very much. It's not because I think I'm fat, it's just something I do. Another behavior that may make me seem kind of stereotype is that I like to dress well to compensate for my perceived lack of comliness. As I'm not super rich and many of my clothes are hand-me-downs (thankfully my older brother has fantastic taste), this can be difficult sometimes. But I've learned that looking good often depends more on HOW you wear certain clothes and put them together. Certain pants and shirts combinations simply don't do! Then I write sentences like that, or more often simply think those thoughts, and suddenly my self esteem goes right out the window again because then I am reminded that I'm fashion conscious because I'm compensating for my perceived ugly face, which is because I have deeply set body image issues. Honestly, I know I'm not actually a bad looking guy, so when I feel that way, I start feeling bad that I feel that way! (Boy this would all be much simpler if I also didn't have a huge propensity for over-analyzing myself!)

I imagine I'm not the only one with major body image issues. From what I've read from others, it seems to go with the territory a bit, though not everyone--which is why stereotypes are dangerous. Honestly, I don't know all the answers with this one yet. I know that it is bad for me to hate myself, and certainly things that deteriorate self-esteem need to be addressed and conquered. I don't know HOW to fix it but I know it needs to be fixed. Or maybe I just struggle with it my whole life like SSA? Who knows. On the one side, there are parts of it that aren't a problem. For example, wanting to look good and wearing trendy clothes is not a sin (once again, my wardrobe isn't really actually that trendy, but I wish it were more so and typically do pretty well with what I have). And yet I feel guilt attached to the feelings. I suppose it is similar to the way I am trying to stop feeling guilty about being attracted to men--something that in and of itself isn't wrong, but which I've been telling myself is for years.

Anyway, while I haven't figured out the solution to this particular problem yet, I do find solace in these verses from the first chapter of the Bible:

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; mal and female created he them.

If ever I feel like my body is subpar, it helps at least in part to remember who it's modeled after. Any advice on this topic would be appreciated. :D

My best,

Obadiah

Feeling like Abimelech (Genesis 20:6-7)

A couple weeks ago I wrote a delicate and difficult post about my crush on a man I code-named "Methuselah." That was my first post to address the difficulty of friendship for people with SSA, and it only loosely addressed the subject. Perhaps one reason I haven't written much on that front is that friendship is a topic I still get the most confused and frustrated over. But today I'm going to try tackling part of that topic again and update the story of my friendship with Methuselah.

In case the code name "Methuselah" or my own pseudonym Obadiah didn't clue you off, I have a strong penchant for the Old Testament. Today's post is based around a story from the Old Testament that lots of people know, and many people talk about in relation to the lie that is told, but I'd actually like to consider from an entirely different perspective. I'm referring to the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Abimelech found in Genesis 20. This is very similar to a story in Genesis 13, substituting Pharaoh for Abimelech, but this second account is more enlightening, in-depth, and useful to my purposes to today. In short, the story goes like this:

Abraham and Sarah are moving south to Gerar where they meet the King of Gerar, whose name is Abimelech. Just as they did in Egypt and other places they've gone, Abraham tells Abimelech that Sarah is his sister. As verse 12 explains, this isn't exactly a lie--the word "sister" denotes more of a close female relative, which Sarah actually was. There is deception, however, in neglecting to tell him that Sarah is also his wife. Abimelech desires Sarah, who is very attractive, and has her brought to him. God then comes to Abimelech in a dream and tells him not to take Sarah for wife or he'll bring upon himself a curse for adultery. Abimelech is stunned and asks God what adultery would be going on. He says he's always tried to do the right thing and has never been an adulterer, and as far as he knew, Sarah was merely Abraham's sister. God gently responds in verses 6-7:

"Yea, I know that thou didst this [took Sarah with intent to marry her] in the integrty of thy heart; for I also withheldthee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her. Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee."

Abimelech obeys, returning Sarah and giving Abraham great gifts of livestock and land. His desire for Sarah still somewhat lingers, but it becomes easier to put aside because he knows Abraham and Sarah on a spiritual level. They remain great friends the remainder of their lives. Everywhere Abraham goes, he plays this game of telling people that Sarah is his sister. Sometimes, as with the case of Pharaoh in chapter 13, he knows that to do otherwise would mean risking being killed and Sarah stolen. In each case, by the time it is discovered that she is his wife, the man lusting after Sarah has come to know and respect Abraham on a spiritual level, and their lust isn't strong enough to prompt them to kill him anymore.

Now, what does a very heterosexual story like that have to do with me? I have learned throughout my life that when I get to know someone spiritually it is easier to tame my lusts. Adapting the story to my SSA attraction patterns, I would say that sometimes I meet Abrahams (or "Methuselahs") who I am very attracted to. This attraction can drive me crazy, as described in my earlier post from a couple weeks ago. The worst part is the physical reaction--when even someone's smile can trigger arousal so I go days without looking at them, but then can't keep from imagining them when I lay down at night. I've discussed in other posts ways to keep those thoughts from going too far, and the fact that the simple attraction itself isn't anything to be ashamed of--as long as you aren't trying to arouse yourself because of it. Well, I feel like I had mostly done a pretty good job of handling that attraction and not letting my thoughts stray too often. Nonetheless, I tried a technique that has worked for me in the past with some other men to make even more progress and it worked: I got to know him even better!

I actually ended up hanging out with him in several social settings including a pretty big party I helped organize. One day we just talked about life in general and specifically our testimonies. That's the clincher. Once I get to know someone on that level of testimony, it becomes infinitely easier to keep my thoughts for them chaste. I think this is why it was so easy on my mission to not have many thought problems: I constantly got to know everyone on a spiritual level. I'm not going to lie: I was attracted to some of my companions, and VERY attracted to one of them, but my thoughts could never go to dirty places because by knowing their testimonies they became something sacred to me and my mind wouldn't allow itself to defile them. Think: could you ever think an impure thought about the Savior? I absolutely couldn't. I'm not capable of it! He is too sacred for that. By knowing other people on a sacred basis, I am able to avoid unchaste thoughts about them. I still find "Methuselah" very attractive, but like Abimelech seeing Abraham as holy and letting his spiritual respect overrule his lust, I find it easier now to interact with my friend without my emotions going haywire.

Maybe this technique is just for me, and honestly I don't think I've conveyed very well in this post what I was trying to, but I hope something here has been helpful. Another blog has said everything I've said here in basically one sentence: "Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man." There are still lots of complications regarding friendship with other men I've left completely unaddressed in this post. I'm sure I'll write many more of them in the future. That's all for today, though.

My best,

Obadiah