A couple "announcements" before I begin this post:
* Since pretty much the very beginning of this I've been on Twitter. Last week I created a Facebook for Obadiah as well. Some of the other blogs have done this as well by creating a page you can "like" on Facebook. I've decided to try a different approach as an experiment: I actually just created a regular profile for Obadiah. In other words, it's a regular account that instead of "liking" you can add as a friend. I want to connect with other people whether or not they are Mormon and whether or not they experience same-sex attraction. If you friend me, I'll accept (unless you are clearly a spam-bot). However, if you are trying to drag a bunch of negative content that is highly anti-Mormon or demeaning to homosexuals, I will unfriend you. So, as I say regarding posting comments here on the blog, "play nice." :)
If you want to "friend" me, here's the link to my profile: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003320193724
* Second, I've done a lot of interacting online and blogging over the Christmas break. A new semester starts tomorrow, so I can't promise I'll be online as much. The good news is that I'm taking a pretty laid-back semester compared to previous ones, so I will still have time to keep this us as well. After all, I STARTED this blog amidst the craziness of final projects and exams for a much crazier and difficult semester than this next one will be. I just want to thank all of you who have read up to this point and for your support! I have been truly touched by all the amazing people out there who have sent such encouragement to me. :)
Anyway, on to today's thoughts...
One month ago I wrote a post called "Looking to Lust" which commented on some verses about lusting from the Sermon on the Mount. I explored the 3 Nephi version of those verses and commented that these few verses show some of the biggest differences between the two versions of the Sermon on the Mount. Today I'd like to focus on two verses in this part of the sermon that the Matthew account includes but which the 3 Nephi version doesn't--kind of like the opposite of what I did last time! Here's two verses that occur in the Matthew version but not in 3 Nephi. They also are among those rare but important fragments of the Sermon on the Mount to make into both Mark and Luke as well. You're probably very familiar with them:
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if they right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
These are kind of unusual verses. Chew on them for a little bit while I go on a slight [relevant] tangent. In my last post I mentioned a touching verse from Isaiah chapter 56 about our sacrifices being accepted by the Lord. You may recall how much that verse meant to me when I read it the first time in relation to same-sex attraction and the choices I've made to stay chaste despite a desire to be with another man, and the happiness that decision has brought me. It was so reassuring to me to read that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. Then, yesterday morning I had a very special experience. The time had come for me to journey back to Provo, but before I left I was able to have an experience unique up to this point in my life: to receive a priesthood blessing of counsel and comfort specifically addressing my same-gender attraction. Because nobody has ever known about it before until the last month of my life, I've never been able to seek any such blessing in the past. But yesterday before I left my parent's home, I was able to receive a blessing from my father. My father is a fantastic and spiritual man. He has shown nothing but absolute love for me in the past week he's known about my SSA, despite the fact that I can tell it was more difficult news for him to hear than he wanted me to see. I think it is hard mainly because it is difficult for him to comprehend and because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I'm also almost certain that he hasn't read my blog (he knows about it, but I think he's still wrapping his mind around everything), and in fact my mom told me as much. That's perfectly fine. It also makes the blessing he gave me all the more amazing. You see, despite the fact that he had not read my most recent post, the first thing he told me in the blessing he gave was those same words which had touched me so deeply: that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. He continued to speak, by the inspiration of the spirit, a very personal and meaningful blessing that touched pretty much exclusively on the most pressing questions and worries I've had as of late. I could tell that the blessing was NOT influenced by any biases or misunderstandings about SSA that my father may or may not have. It was almost like, for 2-3 minutes my father understood everything I was going through. Honestly, this is probably due to the fact that the Savior does understand how I feel and what I go through and can inspire worthy, in-tune priesthood holders to speak appropriate words of comfort according to that understanding.
Anyway, the beginning of that blessing caused me to reflect even more on the idea of sacrifice and laying certain desires, habits, worldly goods, etc. on the figurative altar of sacrifice. I pondered this thought continually for most of the drive back to Provo. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis, from his masterpiece work The Great Divorce. In the introduction to the book he says:
"There is no heaven with a little of hell in it--no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets. If we insist on keeping Hell (or even earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell. Out Satan must go, every hair and feather."
Profound words, eh? This, I truly believe, is what is meant by the verses I quoted from the Sermon on the Mount: that whatever we are asked to give up to gain heaven, no matter how much we love that thing, it is worth the price we will pay. I watched a new movie last week called "Dolphin Tale." I hope you've heard of it, and that you don't think it's a silly kid's movie like the title may suggest. It's actually a great film starring Harry Connick, Jr. and Morgan Freeman based on a true story, about the plight of several individuals who lose limbs as well as a dolphin who loses its tale. Each must adjust to the difficult life of being without an appendage they've largely taken for granted their entire lives. Have you ever known someone missing a limb? So have I. They'll likely tell you that although they have happy lives, they probably wouldn't willingly choose to give up a limb. I share this to give perspective to the verses from Matthew. What if God asked you to give up your arm? Note that the word "offend" in the verses would be better rendered "cause you to stumble." In other words, if there is anything that stands between us and heaven, we must be willing to give it up--even if we love it. I really like my right eye (despite the fact that is slightly more near-sighted than my left one). I also really like my right hand. I don't want to give up either one! What are other things I really like? Well, I like mountains; I like music; I like chocolate. The list could go on and on. If God asked me to never see mountains again or to never hear music, am I ready to give those up? If God asked me to give up chocolate??? (eek!) I think I am ready to honestly give those things up if God asked me too.
In my last post, I spoke of sacrificing the possibility of living in a life-long relationship with a man. I've made that decision, and, as I've said, I am very happy with it. Then I had an interesting thought: What if God asked me to give up my attractions to men? The answer may seem obvious: of course! Take it away! Get rid of it once and for all! But actually, my initial reaction was a resistance to that very thought. I think 2 months ago I absolutely would have responded that "obvious" way. However, now as I've begun the process of accepting my body's natural patterns of attraction and coming to peace with them, I've been learning to love that side of myself, despite my plans to marry a woman. After all, the Lord doesn't want me to hate myself, especially for something that isn't even a sin. I deeply believe that part of the human experience is the struggle between two dichotomous desires: the desire to fit in and be accepted, and the desire to be unique and different. My same-gender attraction for many years was, in my mind, the antagonist of the first desire. Lately, it has instead become the friend of the second desire. I like that this experience makes me different! I'm learning to appreciate attraction rather than despise myself for it, for I know full well where I stand and I never let my thoughts go into forbidden territory or "look to lust" as the post I mentioned earlier discussed. And since it isn't a sin, it isn't really a "souvenir from hell" is it?
Well, maybe. Note that C.S. Lewis mentions not only the evil "hell," but also the neutral "earth" as being something we can't hold onto if we want heaven. And what is hell really? Hell isn't necessarily something evil. We sometimes describe it as a separation from God. This earth life therefore can be considered a form of hell in and of itself, but not an evil one--for it is a hell we willingly chose temporarily because we WANTED heaven permanently. Seen in this light, our arms and eyes--both pieces of a less-than-perfected body--could very well be considered souvenirs from hell if keeping them would keep us out of heaven. There is nothing inherently evil about my eye or my hand. But if I must leave them behind, then I will do so. Likewise, there is nothing inherently wrong with my same-gender attraction. But accepting that it is okay to experience those attractions cannot mean that I cling to them so tightly that I'd rather keep them than accept heaven.
Like I said before, there was a time that giving up my attractions to men would be incredibly desirable. For many of you it still is. Oddly enough, in God's infinite (but not always understood by mortals) wisdom, he has asked us to be willing to put anything required on the altar of sacrifice, but sometimes doesn't want us to sacrifice the things that for whatever reason he wants us to keep. In short, some of you may see your SSA as an arm that you'd LOVE to cast off, but have no ability to do so. Well, apparently God hasn't asked you to make that sacrifice. He might not in this life. In that case, you might have to keep the offending arm. But you will need to offer your trust to Him. You'll need to lay hurt feelings for your trial on the altar of sacrifice, for our ignorance of God's higher ways should never convince us to grasp tightly to hellish souvenirs of unfaithfulness or bitterness for God.
I know this has been a rather confusing post. I don't expect any reader to completely understand my thoughts or feelings here. But I hope it has at least stimulated thought. Do you have any souvenirs from hell or earth that you simply can't let go of? Casting off an arm is a hard thing to do, but God will help you place it on the altar of sacrifice.
My best,
Obadiah
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
Telling My Parents (D&C 3:1)
John Steinbeck got the title for his book Of Mice and Men from a poem by Robert Burns. Many people think that it suggests the contrast between the strong and the weak of character. The meaning of the book and the context of the poem suggest otherwise. The lines from the poem say:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
(The word "schemes" is often misquoted as "plans").
The poem and the book are both thematically sobering, presenting a pessimistic message that no matter how hard we try, we can't have our dreams. That all our plans will always fall through and we just have to suffer through it. And yet there have been times in my life that I've realized that while the two lines quoted above are often true, they aren't always bad. You see, this last weekend I told my parents about my attraction to men. It didn't go in any way according to plan. It went so much better. Let me tell you the story of my Christmas miracle.
So, for weeks while lying in bed at night as an insomniac I've role-played telling my parents a thousand different ways. There were so many different ways I thought of, but here were the common denominators in all my hypothetical scenarios that I was sure of:
*I would tell them together.
*We would talk when other siblings weren't even in the home and I could be completely private.
*I would wait until after Christmas entirely, so as to not detract from the holiday.
Well, read carefully to see how many of those "best laid plans" came to pass:
On Christmas Eve I was in the kitchen helping my mother prepare a turkey dinner. Everyone else was in the living room watching a movie. She knew something was on my mind. I told her we'd talk about it later. She then looked me in the eyes and asked if I was having same-gender attraction issues. I immediately realized that my best laid plans had begun to fall through. We talked very briefly and hushed so that others wouldn't hear. I assured her that I was temple worthy and always would be. I asked her if she had long suspected it and if that's why she asked. She replied that she had never had that thought before actually. (That was reassuring. I constantly worry about people discovering my secret.) I guess I don't know entirely why she asked. My mom has always been rather perceptive though, and it shouldn't really have surprised me. She always has known when something is wrong with me emotionally, scholastically, even financially. I don't need to delve into every detail here, but she said one thing that was very interesting. She mentioned that since my birth she always knew that I would be given unique trials, and now she knew what that meant. My mom had no problem with it. I knew she wouldn't. She was sad for me, but had no worries. I explained that she couldn't talk to dad--I needed to do that myself. I also explained that I'd already told by older brother before I came out for Christmas, but that I didn't want any of my other siblings to know. She agreed with me and my reasons for wanting that before I even told her that.
Given the time and place our conversation wasn't very long. It couldn't be. I felt bad knowing that she inevitably had lots of questions we just couldn't talk about right away. What about the girlfriends I've had? How do I plan on finding a wife? Who have I told? So many questions. Feeling bad for her, that night I slipped her a note with my blog address, explaining simply that she could find answers to lots of her questions there. She read all the November and the first few December posts that night.
Obviously at this point my paradigm of telling my parents had been quite disrupted. But the job was only half done and my mind began redefining what it would do next. I quickly decided that perhaps the best way to proceed was to tell my father one-on-one, just as I had with my mother. In fact, suddenly this seemed like a better way of doing things than my original plan had been. I also knew that my mom was hoping I'd choose sooner rather than later, since she couldn't talk with him until I did first. Yesterday, at the end of Christmas night, we knelt down for family prayer. My Dad said it, and before he did he mentioned that while our Christmas had been much smaller than usual due to bad financial times, the greatest gifts the he hoped we knew we received from them were those of love and testimony. My Dad always goes up to bed first and reads for a while every night. When he made that last statement before heading upstairs, my heart felt his words almost like an invitation to follow him up and speak with him. I paced in the hallway in thought/prayer for a couple minutes first. I had rehearsed many times a million ways to begin the conversation. With my mom I hadn't had to because SHE did. Now, though, it would be in my hands. All the sentences I'd previously imagined instantly evaporated and I knew what I needed to say. It was a new approach I'd never thought of and which I couldn't have really used if I had told my parents together. And so I knocked on the door.
The first 30 seconds in my Dad's room were 30 of the hardest seconds of my life. Many people with SSA often discuss strained childhood relatonships wth their fathers as related to the root "nurture" causes of their SSA. Some others I've communicated with personally see this as a significant factor. I don't actually believe that to be the case for me personally. I think I've always had a good relationship with my father. Nonetheless, a man's father is a significant figure in his life. Fathers are their sons' measure of manhood. Though I've done a lot in the last month to overcome feelings of shame associated with my SSA tendencies, telling my father was still incredibly difficult. The conversation was beautiful. I'm not going to put too many of the details here. I could tell it surprised him a little bit, but nonetheless, I have rarely felt as loved as I did for those twenty minutes.
Well, if you go back to compare my list above of details I planned on for telling my parents, you'll quickly find that none of my best laid plans came to pass. And yet I've had beautiful moments of connection with my parents. In fact, things went better than the hypotheticals I've been playing in my head for a month now. There's a rather common Jewish proverb which says, "Man plans, God laughs." Once again, as with the poetry quoted at the beginning of this post, this could be negative, but it really can have such positive explanations. After all, among the scariest verses in scripture are those wherein God gets fed up with people and leaves them to their own designs. Things don't typically work out very well when that happens. Sometimes, when our plans fall through it is because God has better ideas for us and HASN'T abandoned us. If we can trust Him, we soon learn that this is a good thing, because we've been told about His plans in Doctrine and Covenants 3:1 the following:
The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught.
So indeed, while the best laid plans of mice and men often go askew, those of God cannot be defeated. When those plans are for us, the only thing that can stand in front of their fulfillment is ourselves. I'm so grateful that God loves me enough to have had better plans for me this weekend. And I love my parents. They are fantastic people, who I know have always kept my happiness and that of my siblings at the forefront of their own plans and have trusted the plans of God to help see that goal fulfilled.
I cannot universally recommend telling your parents if you or a friend experiences SSA. I think in nearly every case it probably is more helpful than anything else. However, all circumstances will be unique. I've been blessed with very loving and understanding parents. Not all parents are that way. If yours aren't that doesn't mean they aren't good people though. But you need to love them either way.
I hope you've all had a very merry Christmas.
My best,
Obadiah
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
(The word "schemes" is often misquoted as "plans").
The poem and the book are both thematically sobering, presenting a pessimistic message that no matter how hard we try, we can't have our dreams. That all our plans will always fall through and we just have to suffer through it. And yet there have been times in my life that I've realized that while the two lines quoted above are often true, they aren't always bad. You see, this last weekend I told my parents about my attraction to men. It didn't go in any way according to plan. It went so much better. Let me tell you the story of my Christmas miracle.
So, for weeks while lying in bed at night as an insomniac I've role-played telling my parents a thousand different ways. There were so many different ways I thought of, but here were the common denominators in all my hypothetical scenarios that I was sure of:
*I would tell them together.
*We would talk when other siblings weren't even in the home and I could be completely private.
*I would wait until after Christmas entirely, so as to not detract from the holiday.
Well, read carefully to see how many of those "best laid plans" came to pass:
On Christmas Eve I was in the kitchen helping my mother prepare a turkey dinner. Everyone else was in the living room watching a movie. She knew something was on my mind. I told her we'd talk about it later. She then looked me in the eyes and asked if I was having same-gender attraction issues. I immediately realized that my best laid plans had begun to fall through. We talked very briefly and hushed so that others wouldn't hear. I assured her that I was temple worthy and always would be. I asked her if she had long suspected it and if that's why she asked. She replied that she had never had that thought before actually. (That was reassuring. I constantly worry about people discovering my secret.) I guess I don't know entirely why she asked. My mom has always been rather perceptive though, and it shouldn't really have surprised me. She always has known when something is wrong with me emotionally, scholastically, even financially. I don't need to delve into every detail here, but she said one thing that was very interesting. She mentioned that since my birth she always knew that I would be given unique trials, and now she knew what that meant. My mom had no problem with it. I knew she wouldn't. She was sad for me, but had no worries. I explained that she couldn't talk to dad--I needed to do that myself. I also explained that I'd already told by older brother before I came out for Christmas, but that I didn't want any of my other siblings to know. She agreed with me and my reasons for wanting that before I even told her that.
Given the time and place our conversation wasn't very long. It couldn't be. I felt bad knowing that she inevitably had lots of questions we just couldn't talk about right away. What about the girlfriends I've had? How do I plan on finding a wife? Who have I told? So many questions. Feeling bad for her, that night I slipped her a note with my blog address, explaining simply that she could find answers to lots of her questions there. She read all the November and the first few December posts that night.
Obviously at this point my paradigm of telling my parents had been quite disrupted. But the job was only half done and my mind began redefining what it would do next. I quickly decided that perhaps the best way to proceed was to tell my father one-on-one, just as I had with my mother. In fact, suddenly this seemed like a better way of doing things than my original plan had been. I also knew that my mom was hoping I'd choose sooner rather than later, since she couldn't talk with him until I did first. Yesterday, at the end of Christmas night, we knelt down for family prayer. My Dad said it, and before he did he mentioned that while our Christmas had been much smaller than usual due to bad financial times, the greatest gifts the he hoped we knew we received from them were those of love and testimony. My Dad always goes up to bed first and reads for a while every night. When he made that last statement before heading upstairs, my heart felt his words almost like an invitation to follow him up and speak with him. I paced in the hallway in thought/prayer for a couple minutes first. I had rehearsed many times a million ways to begin the conversation. With my mom I hadn't had to because SHE did. Now, though, it would be in my hands. All the sentences I'd previously imagined instantly evaporated and I knew what I needed to say. It was a new approach I'd never thought of and which I couldn't have really used if I had told my parents together. And so I knocked on the door.
The first 30 seconds in my Dad's room were 30 of the hardest seconds of my life. Many people with SSA often discuss strained childhood relatonships wth their fathers as related to the root "nurture" causes of their SSA. Some others I've communicated with personally see this as a significant factor. I don't actually believe that to be the case for me personally. I think I've always had a good relationship with my father. Nonetheless, a man's father is a significant figure in his life. Fathers are their sons' measure of manhood. Though I've done a lot in the last month to overcome feelings of shame associated with my SSA tendencies, telling my father was still incredibly difficult. The conversation was beautiful. I'm not going to put too many of the details here. I could tell it surprised him a little bit, but nonetheless, I have rarely felt as loved as I did for those twenty minutes.
Well, if you go back to compare my list above of details I planned on for telling my parents, you'll quickly find that none of my best laid plans came to pass. And yet I've had beautiful moments of connection with my parents. In fact, things went better than the hypotheticals I've been playing in my head for a month now. There's a rather common Jewish proverb which says, "Man plans, God laughs." Once again, as with the poetry quoted at the beginning of this post, this could be negative, but it really can have such positive explanations. After all, among the scariest verses in scripture are those wherein God gets fed up with people and leaves them to their own designs. Things don't typically work out very well when that happens. Sometimes, when our plans fall through it is because God has better ideas for us and HASN'T abandoned us. If we can trust Him, we soon learn that this is a good thing, because we've been told about His plans in Doctrine and Covenants 3:1 the following:
The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught.
So indeed, while the best laid plans of mice and men often go askew, those of God cannot be defeated. When those plans are for us, the only thing that can stand in front of their fulfillment is ourselves. I'm so grateful that God loves me enough to have had better plans for me this weekend. And I love my parents. They are fantastic people, who I know have always kept my happiness and that of my siblings at the forefront of their own plans and have trusted the plans of God to help see that goal fulfilled.
I cannot universally recommend telling your parents if you or a friend experiences SSA. I think in nearly every case it probably is more helpful than anything else. However, all circumstances will be unique. I've been blessed with very loving and understanding parents. Not all parents are that way. If yours aren't that doesn't mean they aren't good people though. But you need to love them either way.
I hope you've all had a very merry Christmas.
My best,
Obadiah
Sunday, December 4, 2011
In the service of your God (Mosiah 2:17)
I love the Sabbath day. I have such a hectic and busy life, that it's nice to have a day that all my school and work worries don't matter. I've learned throughout that when we do homework or work on the Sabbath, we bring our own punishment upon ourselves by denying ourselves the opportunity for the rest from that stress which he Sabbah was instituted to offer. It's been a phenomenal, uplifting day and I've been dying to share some of the highlights and things I've learned here.
Based on some stake training I recently received regarding my calling, I needed to talk to my bishop about a few changes to the way the organization I'm in charge of does things and coordinate/clear those changes with him. I probably could have told him most things in a long hall-way conversation, but felt like it might just be nicer to schedule an actual appointment with him so I'd have more time to actually sit down and talk the changes through without feeling rushed. So, before sacrament meeting I talked with the Executive Secretary and got the last appointment slot he had available--an hour and 45 minutes after the end of church. Over the nearly five hours between setting up the appointment and when it happened, I kept getting a pestering thought about whether or not I should tell him about my same-gender attraction as long as I had an interview already. I convinced myself that I was only having that thought because I'd been working on this blog all week and so the topic was more on my mind than usual.
I now must take an aside to tell you another piece of my life. When I disclosed my insomnia on this blog earlier this week, I was really worried about the possbility of being given away by that struggle, since many people know about it. I have another interesting trial to share today that I'm not nearly as worried about because I talk about it almost as rarely as my same-sex attraction! It's also not something I consider to be a very big deal and I rarely ever think about it, but today it became important to an experience I had. I was diagnosed years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). People who know me would never probably guess this, largely because it is vastly misunderstood. A lot of misdiagnoses have occured and many people think it is something it isn't or that it doesn't exist at all. (The parallels between ADD and SSA were never so glaringly obvious to me beore today!*) While ADD can make a child hyper, as the stereotype goes, not all ADD people or even children are hyper, and not all hyper children have ADD. Basically, ADD means that while your brain is trying to perform analytical or intellectual functions, it can be limited by chemical imbalances which prevent it from carrying messages properly. I won't attempt to explain the biology any further, but it is ultimately a simple problem in the brain that has proved to be very treatable with effective drugs that don't have serious side-effects like many early ADD medications. I've taken various meds, including my current favorite, adderall, for over ten years. Without my medication, it would probably take me two hours to write this paragraph. I have the mental capacity, but can't harness it properly while that imbalance exists.
Why did I tell you this? Well, after church as I was waiting the nearly two hour for my chance to see the bishop, a friend from my ward sat down next to me in the foyer. We started talking and I was particularly surprised to see him rather down, as he tends to be one of those unstoppably happy people that everyone loves. I could tell early on that he needed a chance to do most of the talking and so I just let him go at it for about a half hour. He vented a lot of frustrations about how scared he was that he was graduating and didn't feel ready, ultimately because he felt like it was so hard to concentrate and use the skills he's supposedly been trained in through school. He described feelings of inability that sounded just like me without my medication. I don't think about it very often because I'm so rarely without my meds, so I usually forget that I even have ADD because I've been blessed with such great modern ways to help fight it. Now, this was NOT the first time I've talked to someone and thought that they probably had ADD, but I've NEVER told anyone I thought such about them--it's just too controversial a topic and many people have strong opinions about it, so even if I think people have a problem, I don't usually tell them (not to mention my own desire for privacy). I'm not a doctor anyway, and could certainly be wrong.
This time, however, I did something unprecedented. After simultaneously listening to my friend and the Spirit for 30 minutes, I felt like I could at least share my own experiences. He had said that he thought that I and many others were just naturally more gifted than he was and didn't know how he could do well in the workforce as such an inferior person. By sharing that I got through things with a combination of prayer, scripture, and some little blue pills, I helped him see that maybe he's not much different than many others he considers superior. I told him I was not a doctor and couldn't diagnose or prescribe anything, but that he should look into options available. I suddenly found many things I wrote on this blog this week about recognizing and facing the truth of problem in order to solve it relevant to share in a completely different context and saw how my struggles to understand SSA this week had prepared me to help someone with another trial. Among the things I said, I mentioned that the brain is just a part of our physical body like any other part, and can therefore have problems or damage. I had used to wonder if my taking pills was unfairly advantaging me over my peers, like an athlete on steroids. I've come to realize that it actually just puts me on an even playing field. If I broke my arm, few people would call it a sign of weakness if I used a cast! In fact, if help was available, people would call me foolish NOT to do anything about it and just let my dead arm drag behind me. So it is with the meds I take: they help my brain connect and concentrate properly.** The things I shared, whether he has ADD and will get treatment or not, seemed to help--especially the part about being honest with ourselves to face the TRUTH of whatever our problems are so we can solve them.
At that point, my friend had to go. It was abot 5 minutes until my scheduled time to meet with the bishop. Again that thought came to tell him about my same-sex attraction. I finally realized that I had waved all these promptings off without praying about it. So, I took those five minutes to offer a prayer and almost immediately the Lord responded very clearly. He told me quite directly that I had just suggested that a friend do a very humbling thing to seek help for an ailment that he didn't have complete control over and to seek healing. Then, he used my own analogy against me. He said I could be stubborn and refuse to seek a cast for broken arm when available, or I could trust Him to put a righteous servant with sound advice in my path, the same way I had been put in the path of my friend just moments before and had been able to help him. I was to follow my friend's example and accept help from someone the Lord had prepared to help me.
So, without out knowing really WHY I was telling him, but knowing that it would help somehow and that I did in fact need to seek that help, I went in to see my bishop. I told him I had 2 things to speak to him about. We first discussed the calling-related business which I had originally set up the appointment to discuss. That only took about three minutes (much shorter than I was hoping as I sat there with my heart beating faster and faster, knowing what was coming next). You'll remember that an earlier attempt to share my trial with someone this week did not go as well as I could have hoped (though not awful) and I was therefore filled with lots of anxiety here as well, despite the fact that my bishop is one the greatest men you'll ever meet in your life.
Well, I won't get into details of the conversation here, though I may mention a few things we discussed in the future. What I will share for today is that is went miraculously well. My bishop truly is a great man, and he has pondered and read a lot on this subject and was prepared to give me fantastic and loving advice. Apprehension and fear instantly evaporated when we started to talk and it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my life to share it in such a sacred setting with someone who had invested time into being able to understand SSA and thus help those who struggle. Best part of the story: when went in, having just realized that I needed to tell him, I still did't know why. Before I left his office however, I knew why I had told him and why I do indeed need to tell my parents when I go home for Christmas in a couple weeks. In the past I've been perfectly fine keeping this all to myself, relying on the scriptures, prayer, and Church counsel as my primary support sources, followed by other writings, research, blogs, etc. However, it is one thing to sit back observe the cyber-conversation on this volatile and politically-charged subject from a distance, and quite another to become a participant as have in the last week. While I've realized that up to this point my own studies and prayer have been sufficient to get me through this trial, I've now placed myself in a position to receive greater attacks from the adversary. How he loves to tear down righteous examples! I've now opened myself up to getting lots of attacks from bitter rivals to my personal beliefs and views, and I've read enough "gay Mormon" blogs to know how many begin with noble intentions before ultimately succumbing and crashing. The Lord needed me to know that I won't always be able to rely on just myself, prayer, and scriptures to survive. I will now need the strength and support of just a FEW select individuals who are close to me and who love me. Overall, it was just a fantastic and enlightening interview that gave me lots of perspective and direction.
What does this all have to do with the scripture I've titled this post with? Mosiah 2:17 from the Book of Mormon is a very well-known verse which reads:
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."
I think that this is both a literal and figurative verse, hinging on the delightfully ambiguous word "of." To understand it, we must first understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself our pains, our sicknesses, our afflictions, and indeed everything we experience in this life so that, as Alma says, "he may know according to the flesh how to succor [i.e. help] his people" (Alma 7:12). He experienced my life with all its trials so that He'd know how to help me through each one. Just as we read how God sometimes uses the wicked to punish the wicked, I have seen over and over again in my life how he also uses the righteous to bless he righteous. Because of His great Atonement, Christ knew what help I'd need through my trial, and he used a righteous bishop to "succor" me. Thus, one way to read the passage in Mosiah is to read the "service OF your God" as meaning the service which He sends us to accomplish. Like a military service we enlist in, we can be in the service of God and thereby help bring the blessings of His Atonement to fulfillment by doing what He would have us do to succor our fellow men in the ways only He knows best because of His experience in Gethsemene.
However, that "of" allows another equally appropriate interpretation as well. You see, Christ didn't just experience my life and trials. He also experinced yours, and he experienced those of my friend who I spoke with before seeing my bishop. Being in "the service OF your God" certainly also seems to imply the act of actually serving the Lord Himself directly. When you consider that He experienced everyone's lives in the garden of Gethsemane, then when we serve others that's actually who we're serving! By acting on promptings to make another person's burden lighter, we also lift those burdens from the other One who suffered their weight--the Savior. Thus, truly when we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are quite literally in the service of our God.
While I would counsel all of you to be careful who you share your struggles with, don't pass up opportunities to draw upon the Atonement, and many of those blessings may only be available to you through other righteous individuals the Lord has prepared to help succor you. I read an interesting bit about a common mentality among Mormon men with SSA. One expert has noted, especially regarding those who may have transgressed along the way, though it applies to all: "Sometimes their approach seems to be, 'I can accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ after I've...overcome this. But not right now. I've got to overcome this on my own, and then the Atonement will be available to me.' It's the equivalent of saying, 'I can accept the Atonement as soon as I prove I don't need it.'" Sounds a lot like dragging a broken arm around, doesn't it? Be humble and willing to accept the Lord's help, which may come through others!!!
Today I am grateful God enlisted me to be in His service to my friend, drawing upon the lessons I've learned from my own trials without even having to disclose those trials. I'm just as grateful for a kind and loving bishop who served God today as well by humbly serving me.
My best,
Obadiah (see a few footnotes below)
*In case you were wondering, while I believe that there are fascinating comparisons to be made between SSA & ADD, I don't believe that there is a link, and from everything I've looked into, it doesn't seem like anyone else does either. I've definitely seen them as two completely different and unrelated aspects of my life and there are have been plenty of ADD people without SSA and SSA people without ADD. I just got lucky in the trials-with-acronyms roulette game... plus insomnia. :)
**Regarding a little more of my philosophy on medicating ADD, I share the following from Elder Oaks from general conference April 2010 (this passage just seemed a little too lengthy to put right in the main body of an already lengthy blog post):
"The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, 'Have you used any remedies?' To those who said no because 'we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,' President Young replied: 'That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.'"
Based on some stake training I recently received regarding my calling, I needed to talk to my bishop about a few changes to the way the organization I'm in charge of does things and coordinate/clear those changes with him. I probably could have told him most things in a long hall-way conversation, but felt like it might just be nicer to schedule an actual appointment with him so I'd have more time to actually sit down and talk the changes through without feeling rushed. So, before sacrament meeting I talked with the Executive Secretary and got the last appointment slot he had available--an hour and 45 minutes after the end of church. Over the nearly five hours between setting up the appointment and when it happened, I kept getting a pestering thought about whether or not I should tell him about my same-gender attraction as long as I had an interview already. I convinced myself that I was only having that thought because I'd been working on this blog all week and so the topic was more on my mind than usual.
I now must take an aside to tell you another piece of my life. When I disclosed my insomnia on this blog earlier this week, I was really worried about the possbility of being given away by that struggle, since many people know about it. I have another interesting trial to share today that I'm not nearly as worried about because I talk about it almost as rarely as my same-sex attraction! It's also not something I consider to be a very big deal and I rarely ever think about it, but today it became important to an experience I had. I was diagnosed years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). People who know me would never probably guess this, largely because it is vastly misunderstood. A lot of misdiagnoses have occured and many people think it is something it isn't or that it doesn't exist at all. (The parallels between ADD and SSA were never so glaringly obvious to me beore today!*) While ADD can make a child hyper, as the stereotype goes, not all ADD people or even children are hyper, and not all hyper children have ADD. Basically, ADD means that while your brain is trying to perform analytical or intellectual functions, it can be limited by chemical imbalances which prevent it from carrying messages properly. I won't attempt to explain the biology any further, but it is ultimately a simple problem in the brain that has proved to be very treatable with effective drugs that don't have serious side-effects like many early ADD medications. I've taken various meds, including my current favorite, adderall, for over ten years. Without my medication, it would probably take me two hours to write this paragraph. I have the mental capacity, but can't harness it properly while that imbalance exists.
Why did I tell you this? Well, after church as I was waiting the nearly two hour for my chance to see the bishop, a friend from my ward sat down next to me in the foyer. We started talking and I was particularly surprised to see him rather down, as he tends to be one of those unstoppably happy people that everyone loves. I could tell early on that he needed a chance to do most of the talking and so I just let him go at it for about a half hour. He vented a lot of frustrations about how scared he was that he was graduating and didn't feel ready, ultimately because he felt like it was so hard to concentrate and use the skills he's supposedly been trained in through school. He described feelings of inability that sounded just like me without my medication. I don't think about it very often because I'm so rarely without my meds, so I usually forget that I even have ADD because I've been blessed with such great modern ways to help fight it. Now, this was NOT the first time I've talked to someone and thought that they probably had ADD, but I've NEVER told anyone I thought such about them--it's just too controversial a topic and many people have strong opinions about it, so even if I think people have a problem, I don't usually tell them (not to mention my own desire for privacy). I'm not a doctor anyway, and could certainly be wrong.
This time, however, I did something unprecedented. After simultaneously listening to my friend and the Spirit for 30 minutes, I felt like I could at least share my own experiences. He had said that he thought that I and many others were just naturally more gifted than he was and didn't know how he could do well in the workforce as such an inferior person. By sharing that I got through things with a combination of prayer, scripture, and some little blue pills, I helped him see that maybe he's not much different than many others he considers superior. I told him I was not a doctor and couldn't diagnose or prescribe anything, but that he should look into options available. I suddenly found many things I wrote on this blog this week about recognizing and facing the truth of problem in order to solve it relevant to share in a completely different context and saw how my struggles to understand SSA this week had prepared me to help someone with another trial. Among the things I said, I mentioned that the brain is just a part of our physical body like any other part, and can therefore have problems or damage. I had used to wonder if my taking pills was unfairly advantaging me over my peers, like an athlete on steroids. I've come to realize that it actually just puts me on an even playing field. If I broke my arm, few people would call it a sign of weakness if I used a cast! In fact, if help was available, people would call me foolish NOT to do anything about it and just let my dead arm drag behind me. So it is with the meds I take: they help my brain connect and concentrate properly.** The things I shared, whether he has ADD and will get treatment or not, seemed to help--especially the part about being honest with ourselves to face the TRUTH of whatever our problems are so we can solve them.
At that point, my friend had to go. It was abot 5 minutes until my scheduled time to meet with the bishop. Again that thought came to tell him about my same-sex attraction. I finally realized that I had waved all these promptings off without praying about it. So, I took those five minutes to offer a prayer and almost immediately the Lord responded very clearly. He told me quite directly that I had just suggested that a friend do a very humbling thing to seek help for an ailment that he didn't have complete control over and to seek healing. Then, he used my own analogy against me. He said I could be stubborn and refuse to seek a cast for broken arm when available, or I could trust Him to put a righteous servant with sound advice in my path, the same way I had been put in the path of my friend just moments before and had been able to help him. I was to follow my friend's example and accept help from someone the Lord had prepared to help me.
So, without out knowing really WHY I was telling him, but knowing that it would help somehow and that I did in fact need to seek that help, I went in to see my bishop. I told him I had 2 things to speak to him about. We first discussed the calling-related business which I had originally set up the appointment to discuss. That only took about three minutes (much shorter than I was hoping as I sat there with my heart beating faster and faster, knowing what was coming next). You'll remember that an earlier attempt to share my trial with someone this week did not go as well as I could have hoped (though not awful) and I was therefore filled with lots of anxiety here as well, despite the fact that my bishop is one the greatest men you'll ever meet in your life.
Well, I won't get into details of the conversation here, though I may mention a few things we discussed in the future. What I will share for today is that is went miraculously well. My bishop truly is a great man, and he has pondered and read a lot on this subject and was prepared to give me fantastic and loving advice. Apprehension and fear instantly evaporated when we started to talk and it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my life to share it in such a sacred setting with someone who had invested time into being able to understand SSA and thus help those who struggle. Best part of the story: when went in, having just realized that I needed to tell him, I still did't know why. Before I left his office however, I knew why I had told him and why I do indeed need to tell my parents when I go home for Christmas in a couple weeks. In the past I've been perfectly fine keeping this all to myself, relying on the scriptures, prayer, and Church counsel as my primary support sources, followed by other writings, research, blogs, etc. However, it is one thing to sit back observe the cyber-conversation on this volatile and politically-charged subject from a distance, and quite another to become a participant as have in the last week. While I've realized that up to this point my own studies and prayer have been sufficient to get me through this trial, I've now placed myself in a position to receive greater attacks from the adversary. How he loves to tear down righteous examples! I've now opened myself up to getting lots of attacks from bitter rivals to my personal beliefs and views, and I've read enough "gay Mormon" blogs to know how many begin with noble intentions before ultimately succumbing and crashing. The Lord needed me to know that I won't always be able to rely on just myself, prayer, and scriptures to survive. I will now need the strength and support of just a FEW select individuals who are close to me and who love me. Overall, it was just a fantastic and enlightening interview that gave me lots of perspective and direction.
What does this all have to do with the scripture I've titled this post with? Mosiah 2:17 from the Book of Mormon is a very well-known verse which reads:
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."
I think that this is both a literal and figurative verse, hinging on the delightfully ambiguous word "of." To understand it, we must first understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself our pains, our sicknesses, our afflictions, and indeed everything we experience in this life so that, as Alma says, "he may know according to the flesh how to succor [i.e. help] his people" (Alma 7:12). He experienced my life with all its trials so that He'd know how to help me through each one. Just as we read how God sometimes uses the wicked to punish the wicked, I have seen over and over again in my life how he also uses the righteous to bless he righteous. Because of His great Atonement, Christ knew what help I'd need through my trial, and he used a righteous bishop to "succor" me. Thus, one way to read the passage in Mosiah is to read the "service OF your God" as meaning the service which He sends us to accomplish. Like a military service we enlist in, we can be in the service of God and thereby help bring the blessings of His Atonement to fulfillment by doing what He would have us do to succor our fellow men in the ways only He knows best because of His experience in Gethsemene.
However, that "of" allows another equally appropriate interpretation as well. You see, Christ didn't just experience my life and trials. He also experinced yours, and he experienced those of my friend who I spoke with before seeing my bishop. Being in "the service OF your God" certainly also seems to imply the act of actually serving the Lord Himself directly. When you consider that He experienced everyone's lives in the garden of Gethsemane, then when we serve others that's actually who we're serving! By acting on promptings to make another person's burden lighter, we also lift those burdens from the other One who suffered their weight--the Savior. Thus, truly when we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are quite literally in the service of our God.
While I would counsel all of you to be careful who you share your struggles with, don't pass up opportunities to draw upon the Atonement, and many of those blessings may only be available to you through other righteous individuals the Lord has prepared to help succor you. I read an interesting bit about a common mentality among Mormon men with SSA. One expert has noted, especially regarding those who may have transgressed along the way, though it applies to all: "Sometimes their approach seems to be, 'I can accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ after I've...overcome this. But not right now. I've got to overcome this on my own, and then the Atonement will be available to me.' It's the equivalent of saying, 'I can accept the Atonement as soon as I prove I don't need it.'" Sounds a lot like dragging a broken arm around, doesn't it? Be humble and willing to accept the Lord's help, which may come through others!!!
Today I am grateful God enlisted me to be in His service to my friend, drawing upon the lessons I've learned from my own trials without even having to disclose those trials. I'm just as grateful for a kind and loving bishop who served God today as well by humbly serving me.
My best,
Obadiah (see a few footnotes below)
*In case you were wondering, while I believe that there are fascinating comparisons to be made between SSA & ADD, I don't believe that there is a link, and from everything I've looked into, it doesn't seem like anyone else does either. I've definitely seen them as two completely different and unrelated aspects of my life and there are have been plenty of ADD people without SSA and SSA people without ADD. I just got lucky in the trials-with-acronyms roulette game... plus insomnia. :)
**Regarding a little more of my philosophy on medicating ADD, I share the following from Elder Oaks from general conference April 2010 (this passage just seemed a little too lengthy to put right in the main body of an already lengthy blog post):
"The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, 'Have you used any remedies?' To those who said no because 'we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,' President Young replied: 'That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.'"
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The Truth shall make you free (John 8:32), PART ONE
I don't even know where to begin tonight. Let me first say that the term "coming out" does not appeal to me at all. To me that sounds like you're announcing that you've decided on a lifestyle. I recognize that that is not how everyone uses it, but that's what it makes me think--so by my definition I can't think of myself ever "coming out" because I don't plan on ever living a homosexual lifestyle. So, I'm going to simply say "telling people that I'm attracted to men." Telling people has not been in the plan at all. I have unfortunately seen too many cases where those who reveal their attractions to others get shunned. I am by nature generally optimistic, and I thorougly believe that latter-day saints are getting better at being loving and understanding of those with same-gender attraction. However, I also recognize that we're not all the way there yet and may have a long way yet to go. That is only one of several reasons that I don't plan on ever openly telling people about my struggles. I'm not saying my solution is the best for everyone, but it is what works for me. I have to add that I've felt as of late like I should someday tell my parents. That is a terrifying prospect for me. Don't get me wrong--my parents are both incredible people and I'm sure that if/when I tell them that they will be completely understanding and love me just the same. But I also know that it will change the way they see me--that simply can't be avoided. It doesn't mean they'll think less of me, per se, but they will think different of me, and I don't want to have drama attached to me! If I ever tell them it will be because I want them to understand me better without having to see me as a different person than the one they've always known. I guess my biggest hesitation is that I love them too much to dump such an emotional burden on them. I don't feel like it would necessarily serve to make mine lighter, so why burden others for no reason? Anyway, we'll see where that goes. Despite my many excuses for not telling them, I just can't ignore the little prompting to do so. Ultimately, if God wants me to share this burden with them, I will.
However, tonight I am absolutely emotionally divided about the idea of letting people know, because--completely unplanned--I just happened to have my first experience telling someone about this issue. My mind is still reeling from it. I was betrayed by my emotions and wish I could undo it, even though it went okay overall. Here's what happened:
Besides starting this blog and announcing, albeit anonymously, that I have SSA, this week has brought a whirlwind of homework and other time demands. A friend I work with this evening noticed that I was kind of out of it today and seemed especially stressed. He was picking my brain to find out the cause and I don't know if it was the spirit or what or even if he was just kidding when he asked, but he just directly asked "Do you like men?" Whether it was a joke or not, recent circumstances and experiences caused my emotions to betray me, a tear to come to my eye, and a timid but exasperated "yes" to escape my lips. That of course launched a very, very long conversation I was not prepared to have. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I don't want to have that conversation ever again. Don't get me wrong, now. My friend was actually very caring and compassionate, but in his zeal to help me he started a 15 minute lecture telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get pills to fix me so I'd stop being attracted to guys. That nearly destroyed me emotionally as I largely argued in vain that there weren't magic pills to cure attraction or make me fall in love with women. He insisted that it's all just in my head and therefore curable. Luckily, I finally got a chance to speak again and helped him understand a little more that it isn't that simple and there's no easy off-switch. Of course, I swore him t absolute secrecy and he was actually very kind about all of it in the end. Overall, it didn't go as great as I would have wanted a first "telling" experience to, but it most certainly at least went much better than I've always horrifyingly imagined.
As that friend might now be reading this blog (though I charged him strictly not to follow it, lest his presence clue others as to my identity), I hope he knows that I'm grateful that he was kind about it and still my friend. Nonetheless, like I said earlier about my reservations about telling my parents, when news like this comes to light, it ALWAYS changes the way that others see you. I know that even though my friend doesn't think less of me, he will now forever think different of me and I can never get that back.
Anyway, I hope that if I ever have to tell someone about it again besides through this blog that it isn't for a very long time.
I'll end tonight with the scripture for this post. I'm still chewing on it mentally and will probably comment a lot more on it in another post tomorrow. It's from John 8:32 and says:
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
I think the greatest burden of my struggle is the feeling of constantly breaking the ninth commandment. I've been telling people for a long time that I'm attracted to girls--even specific ones (always dishonestly)--and even today reassured a friend jokingly that I'm absolutely straight, knowing full-well that it was a full-blown lie... or is it? I'd like to think that since my actions have been to refrain from any relationships or pursue my attractions that I am in fact straight, even though I'm attracted to men. I intend to never have sex with anyone besides my future wife. Doesn't that mean I'm technically heterosexual, as I only (plan to) have sex with the opposite gender? Nonetheless, I continually feel dishonest and sometimes I do blatantly lie about myself. This blog has helped my soul see ways the truth truly sets you free, but tonight's conversation left that dilemma murkier.
For now though, I need to go for the evening. I'll keep chewing on that scripture and conclude my thoughts tomorrow, so be sure to check back.
My best,
Obadiah
TO BE CONTINUED
However, tonight I am absolutely emotionally divided about the idea of letting people know, because--completely unplanned--I just happened to have my first experience telling someone about this issue. My mind is still reeling from it. I was betrayed by my emotions and wish I could undo it, even though it went okay overall. Here's what happened:
Besides starting this blog and announcing, albeit anonymously, that I have SSA, this week has brought a whirlwind of homework and other time demands. A friend I work with this evening noticed that I was kind of out of it today and seemed especially stressed. He was picking my brain to find out the cause and I don't know if it was the spirit or what or even if he was just kidding when he asked, but he just directly asked "Do you like men?" Whether it was a joke or not, recent circumstances and experiences caused my emotions to betray me, a tear to come to my eye, and a timid but exasperated "yes" to escape my lips. That of course launched a very, very long conversation I was not prepared to have. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I don't want to have that conversation ever again. Don't get me wrong, now. My friend was actually very caring and compassionate, but in his zeal to help me he started a 15 minute lecture telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get pills to fix me so I'd stop being attracted to guys. That nearly destroyed me emotionally as I largely argued in vain that there weren't magic pills to cure attraction or make me fall in love with women. He insisted that it's all just in my head and therefore curable. Luckily, I finally got a chance to speak again and helped him understand a little more that it isn't that simple and there's no easy off-switch. Of course, I swore him t absolute secrecy and he was actually very kind about all of it in the end. Overall, it didn't go as great as I would have wanted a first "telling" experience to, but it most certainly at least went much better than I've always horrifyingly imagined.
As that friend might now be reading this blog (though I charged him strictly not to follow it, lest his presence clue others as to my identity), I hope he knows that I'm grateful that he was kind about it and still my friend. Nonetheless, like I said earlier about my reservations about telling my parents, when news like this comes to light, it ALWAYS changes the way that others see you. I know that even though my friend doesn't think less of me, he will now forever think different of me and I can never get that back.
Anyway, I hope that if I ever have to tell someone about it again besides through this blog that it isn't for a very long time.
I'll end tonight with the scripture for this post. I'm still chewing on it mentally and will probably comment a lot more on it in another post tomorrow. It's from John 8:32 and says:
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
I think the greatest burden of my struggle is the feeling of constantly breaking the ninth commandment. I've been telling people for a long time that I'm attracted to girls--even specific ones (always dishonestly)--and even today reassured a friend jokingly that I'm absolutely straight, knowing full-well that it was a full-blown lie... or is it? I'd like to think that since my actions have been to refrain from any relationships or pursue my attractions that I am in fact straight, even though I'm attracted to men. I intend to never have sex with anyone besides my future wife. Doesn't that mean I'm technically heterosexual, as I only (plan to) have sex with the opposite gender? Nonetheless, I continually feel dishonest and sometimes I do blatantly lie about myself. This blog has helped my soul see ways the truth truly sets you free, but tonight's conversation left that dilemma murkier.
For now though, I need to go for the evening. I'll keep chewing on that scripture and conclude my thoughts tomorrow, so be sure to check back.
My best,
Obadiah
TO BE CONTINUED
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