Do you remember that time I totally had that major crush on that guy I nicknamed "Methuselah" here on the blog and had a series of posts related to him? Well, I'm gonna need to conjure up another pseudonym for another person in my story. Let's call him "Habakkuk." Like Methuselah, Habakkuk is another man I liked, and this time I really fell pretty deeply in love with him a couple months ago. As with my telling of the Methuselah saga, it is easier for me to write about the feelings and experiences a few months after the fact so as to give proper time to digest and process each experience fully (it's also harder to share when things are so fresh in the mind). My story with Habakkuk is a bit more complicated than my Methuselah story because unlike Methuselah, Habakkuk is another SSA guy like me.
I knew I was physically attracted to him, obviously, the first time I saw him. I still am and probably always will be. But that's nothing new. I've dealt with that before. However, once I got to know him I soon discovered how well I connected with him in pretty much every possible way--socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc. It didn't take long for that initial physical attraction to blossom into something much deeper. Part of me soon wanted very much to be in a relationship with him. And those feelings started me on an intense journey of self-discovery which would ultimately transform my relationship with God.
I knew all along that I needed to tread carefully since he was also SSA and seemed to be connecting with me almost as much as I was with him. Luckily for me, he wasn't as attracted to me which I'm sure helped things a lot. I actually don't feel much of a need nor a desire to lay out the details of how our friendship grew. I think I'll just skip ahead to a critical conversation I had with God.
We had just had a very emotional night, discussing the feelings we'd had and I confessed to him that I'd fallen in love with him and was so sorry. We talked about needing to have some space for a little while. It was a very painful discussion that I didn't take very well, breaking into tears several times. I knew what the right thing to do was and was doing it. We hadn't done anything wrong, and in fact were each showing great courage in that moment doing what was right. Things have gone much better since that night and I'm happy to report that my relationship with Habakkuk has been one of the healthiest, most meaningful friendships I've ever had. But later that night I had a discussion with God that changed my life.
Have you ever been angry at God? It is a strange experience. When we are angry with God, we are still expressing faith that He exists, and yet we aren't expressing much support of what He does. It feels wretched and shameful, yet self-sustainably indignant at the same time. I haven't felt that way very many times in my life (this might be the only time logged in my memory in fact!). But that night amidst the many confusing and conflicting emotions I felt, I did in fact feel a very genuine anger towards God. I've had too many experiences confirming my faith to me to doubt His reality, but my desires for Habakkuk made me angry at Him that night. For a moment it simply didn't seem fair that the gospel forbade me to have a relationship with someone I'd fallen in love with. Whenever I feel shame, my typical first reaction is to run from God. Not so with this anger: I got on my knees and confronted God in prayer.
On my knees, sobbing, I asked God why I couldn't be with this man. Why can't I date, marry, and build a life with him? Even in my indignation, God answered. He answered swiftly, softly, and directly. The thought came to my heart and mind almost immediately: "Well, you CAN build a relationship with him IF you love him more than you love Me." It was a very gentle response. Disarmingly gentle. He even filled me with an understanding that I could be very happy temporally in a relationship like that, but that I would always KNOW that I'd done so at great cost. There are many paths to happiness in THIS life, but if I chose that one it would be at the forfeiture of a celestial glory and I would make that choice knowing full well of that consequence.
I love the writings of John the Beloved. He is one of the most profound writers in all of the scriptures, and his extensive writings on love in his first general epistle have long been among my favorite scriptures. However, there was always one verse that I never understood, and which in fact troubled me quite deeply until this experience. In 1st John 4:19 we read:
"We love him, because he first loved us."
It is a short thought wedged between two other verses which are each among my favorites and which have never confused me in the least. But this one was certainly a conundrum. It always seemed like a very silly reason to love God. I guess I was always reading it as meaning we loved him out of some sense of debt because He loved us first so we owed it to Him or something. And that didn't sit well with me. But now there I was, angry at God and met with a feeling of calmness and love in return to my indignation. He gave me a pure love that opened my understanding and I couldn't help but feel a desire to return it. I suddenly realized that His ability to love us first despite our weakness and imperfection is WHY He is worth loving so much and that the love He sends first is often the conduit to a transforming power enabling us to truly love Him deeper. The love He first sends us inspires us to love Him in return. It is an unconditional love, and therefore bears no gravity of debt demanding repayment. He made it very clear that He didn't require me to love Him and that if I chose to love Habakkuk more that was entirely up to me. And yet that love itself changed me deep down. How could I NOT love Him more? I learned that day that I loved Him because of the love He had first for me.
I should add also that my story here doesn't account for the fact that Habakkuk would have also had to have loved me more than he loved God in order for us to have ever had a relationship. And I knew him well enough to know how much love he has for God and that even if I DID love him more than I loved God, he would never feel that same way. (That is one reason I've felt so safe with him.) I do still love him very deeply, but I love God more, and that love for God has transformed the love I have for my fellow SSA brother into something purer and better. I love him even deeper now than I did then, but in a holier way. Perhaps that's why the Great Commandments--to love God and to love our fellow men--are ordered in the way they are. When we love God first, it enables us to love others more purely than we ever could if we placed them ahead of God.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Verse by Verse: Isaiah 56
I've had this post in mind since I began this blog. I finally feel ready to write it.
Sometimes one of the big frustrations for members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction is that while there are great recent materials and modern general authority statements regarding SSA, the canon of scripture seems relatively silent regarding our plight. In many regards this is true, but one of the points of my blog has been to show that the scriptures still offer great support for us. While all of the other scriptures I've shared here so far have great application to members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction, I've found Isaiah 56 very meaningful personally because I believe that it is not only applicable, but in many ways intended for or addressed to our special little demographic within the covenant people. This is incredibly rare in scripture!
Like my similar post on the first chapter of James a few weeks ago, I'd like to approach not only a couple verses, but rather a whole chapter verse by verse. Of course, this chapter is actually much shorter than the first chapter of James, and in fact I'm not even going to touch the last four verses, as they actually belong with chapter 57 and have little to do with the theme of 56. So, here goes Isaiah 56:1-8, considered verse by verse in the same format as that earlier post:
Background: The book of Isaiah breaks down into 2 distinct parts, often considered 2 completely separate books. The first portion includes chapters 1-39, followed by the second half, often referred to as Deutero-Isaiah comprising 40-66. Some have contended that these two halves were actually written by different people--the second being a man decades or even centuries after Isaiah's death. I highly disagree (if you want to debate that subject, email me). But I digress. The reason I'm telling you this is that there IS a distinct difference between the first and second books of Isaiah. The first is rather condemning, the second rather merciful. I could detail a lot of other significant differences, but bear in mind that this chapter comes from the second portion, and is thus filled with great spiritual promises. This is a very happy chapter, and I turn to it often for strength. I hope you find some great strength in it too. Here goes:
1 Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed.
2 Blessed is the man that doeth this, and the son of man that layeth hold on it; that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and keepeth his hand from doing any evil.
Commentary: The chapter begins with a few conditions for the promises about to be expounded upon. Interestingly, Isaiah has not yet explained his intended audience yet, which he usually does right away. I think he's just especially trying to emphasize the importance of these conditions. He's going to spend most of the rest of the chapter unfolding tender mercies and promised blessings, but for now he needs us to know that we have to put forth a little bit of effort to claim all of them. The first verse's message is very simple: "Choose the right! There are good things just around the corner."
The second verse begins to foretell blessings to come, and then takes the time to very specifically mention one particular commandment: honoring the sabbath. I cannot honestly tell you why this particular commandment is singled out, but I can testify that observance of it has very directly helped facilitate the blessings outlined in this chapter in my own life. I live for the sabbath day. I have a very busy life and love having a day that I don't have to worry about homework or work or so many other cares life brings. Those who drag worldly stresses onto the sabbath punish themselves! Preach My Gospel says the following about keeping the Sabbath: "When a community or nation grows careless in its Sabbath activities, its religious life decays and all aspects of life are negatively affected. The blessings associated with keeping the Sabbath day holy are lost" (PMG, p. 74). Notice also the second specified piece of this counsel in verse two to "keep your hand from doing any evil." Many potential applications here for sins that our hands commit. Find one applicable to you.
Now, with the foundation of counsel and conditions, Isaiah is prepared to address his intended audience:
3 Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree.
Commentary: So, Isaiah has revealed a two-fold audience. These blessings and promises will apply to the "son of the stranger," in other words, those born outside the covenant who convert to the gospel. He is comforting them because they feel like they are lesser members of the kingdom, separate from the lifelong members and thus rather discouraged. The second group is much more unique: Isaiah specifically counsels eunuchs who are part of the covenant people. These men are discouraged because they know the role of family in the gospel plan and feel like therefore they can't receive a fullness of gospel blessings because they are "dry trees" incapable of marrying or having children.
Isaiah was perhaps more aware than most if not all of his OT contemporaries the importance of his writings for our day. He writes a lot of things that weren't pertinent to his peers nearly at all, but which are vitally important to us today. Often he has applications for both time periods though, and this seems to be one of those times. The convert demographic is obvious enough in our day, but what about eunuchs? Well, while I don't personally know of any castrated latter-day saints in our day, I do know of faithful singles who, for no fault of their own (just as most eunuchs--who were typically made so at birth) may not have the opportunity to marry in this life. While I certainly hope to marry in this life, what if that just isn't the plan? Couldn't faithful saints who experience same-sex attraction and never marry be easily likened to these eunuchs in their desperate plight, worrying if the blessings of eternal family and exaltation will be withheld forever? What about faithful LDS women who are faithful and don't see marriage in this life, like Sister Barbara Thompson of the Relief Society general presidency? Perhaps the eunuch comparison may sound far-fetched to you right now, but keep reading. I believe that Isaiah wasn't just addressing a similar group of people; I believe he saw our day and wrote this letter to the eunuchs of his own with us in mind.
4 For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant;
5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give unto them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
Commentary: The conditions of the blessings for the eunuchs are reasserted, including an additional reference to the sabbath day. Then, the Lord makes a beautiful promise: the promise of temple blessings. He has reminded them earlier that they are not "dry trees." They have eternal potential and can receive the same eternal blessings, and to prove that to them, he tells them to take the blessings of their temple covenants as a reminder of what the Lord is willing to give them. By the way, to underscore the relevance of verse 5 to our temple covenants, it's worth noting that the word "place" is an erroneous translation that would be better rendered "hand." Thus, the Lord invites the eunuchs to come to his house (the temple) and receive by covenant a HAND and a NAME. In short, the endowment becomes God's down-payment on the blessings of eternal exaltation including roles in eternal families that go beyond merely those "of sons and of daughters" (implicitly, those of husbands/fathers and of wives/mothers).
By the way, the use of the word "daughters" itself implies an extended audience beyond just the eunuchs he's addressed expressly in these verses, since all eunuchs were male and therefore saying "daughters" (which is rare enough in scripture even when eunuchs aren't involved) doesn't make sense unless others are implied. Remember that while verse 3 addressed both converts and eunuchs, verses 4 and 5 address only the eunuchs, just as the next 2 will address specifically the converts:
6 Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the LORD, to serve him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be his servants, every one that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and taketh hold of my covenant;
7 Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people.
Commentary: Like the eunuchs, recall that the converts were depressed because they felt like they were unable to be full participants in the Kingdom. Perhaps their past lives filled them with guilt, or perhaps they were mistreated by others of the covenant. Either way, they had thoughts very similar in many ways to those of the eunuchs, and the Lord actually promises them the same blessing! He explains it in a different way, but in verse seven he promises the blessings of the temple as a reminder of their eternal inheritance. The beautiful thing about the Hebrew poetic synonymous parallelism created by verses 4-5 in parallel with 6-7 is that while they say basically the same thing, the different explanations of the same thing expand our understanding. In other words, 4-5 may be addressed to the eunuchs, but the converts actually can directly own those verses because they are told the same thing in parallel. Likewise, the eunuchs may take meaning from verses 6-7. And this "eunuch" intends to. :)
Verse seven contains what is perhaps the most meaningful phrase to me personally from the entire chapter: "their sacrifices shall be accepted." All faithful covenant keepers make sacrifices, and it is very touching to me when the Lord takes time to acknowledge that fact. After all, our small sacrifices mean very little compared to His Great Sacrifice. And yet He cries with us in the pain of the things that are hard for us to part with, but which must go if we are to live with Him forever. When I first read this chapter with a realization of its application to my plight, I had actually been having some rather depressing thoughts. In the first place, I had been unhealthily dwelling far too much on fantasies (non-sexual) of what it would be like to be with a man. The idea was actually (and still sometimes is) so beautiful to me. Of course, it is mingled with lots of other guilt and confusing emotions too, but I fully recognize and believe that temporally I could be very happy living in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. But I have already made a decision to lay that desire on the altar of sacrifice. That's what I'd been thinking and reminding myself of my commitment to when I found this chapter and read the sweet reassurance that my sacrifice was accepted of the Lord. And do you know what? I am not sad at all about the choice I've made. In fact, I find lots of happiness also in the thought of being in a long-term (that is, eternal) relationship with an elect daughter of God. I truly do desire that very deeply and find happiness in chaste fantasies about that life as well. And what if I don't attain that in this life? Yet will I not say to the Lord that I am a barren tree. I will trust Him and rely on the blessings of my temple covenants as a reminder of the celestial rewards to come. And that makes me happy.
One last verse to tie it all together:
8 The Lord GOD which gathereth the outcasts of Israel saith, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those that are gathered unto him.
Commentary: The end of verse seven talked about the Lord's house being for all people, and the chapter concludes with this similar verse of counsel to the converts and "eunuchs" who perceive themselves as outcasts in the Kingdom. He gathers us too! And He will gather others not yet of the covenant, who also need to be made welcome here. All people are different. All people have struggles. Most people would be blown away to learn some of the trials I've been blessed with in this life. Likewise, if I knew what each person around me struggled with I would probably be equally amazed. There is no cause to "judge another, when I walk imperfectly," for we would do well to remember that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymn 220). The Lord wants us to make room for everyone in the kingdom, be they convert, eunuch, or anyone else. Begin today to widen the scope of your embrace for God's children. God wants to have all of His children back.
My best,
Obadiah
Sometimes one of the big frustrations for members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction is that while there are great recent materials and modern general authority statements regarding SSA, the canon of scripture seems relatively silent regarding our plight. In many regards this is true, but one of the points of my blog has been to show that the scriptures still offer great support for us. While all of the other scriptures I've shared here so far have great application to members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction, I've found Isaiah 56 very meaningful personally because I believe that it is not only applicable, but in many ways intended for or addressed to our special little demographic within the covenant people. This is incredibly rare in scripture!
Like my similar post on the first chapter of James a few weeks ago, I'd like to approach not only a couple verses, but rather a whole chapter verse by verse. Of course, this chapter is actually much shorter than the first chapter of James, and in fact I'm not even going to touch the last four verses, as they actually belong with chapter 57 and have little to do with the theme of 56. So, here goes Isaiah 56:1-8, considered verse by verse in the same format as that earlier post:
Background: The book of Isaiah breaks down into 2 distinct parts, often considered 2 completely separate books. The first portion includes chapters 1-39, followed by the second half, often referred to as Deutero-Isaiah comprising 40-66. Some have contended that these two halves were actually written by different people--the second being a man decades or even centuries after Isaiah's death. I highly disagree (if you want to debate that subject, email me). But I digress. The reason I'm telling you this is that there IS a distinct difference between the first and second books of Isaiah. The first is rather condemning, the second rather merciful. I could detail a lot of other significant differences, but bear in mind that this chapter comes from the second portion, and is thus filled with great spiritual promises. This is a very happy chapter, and I turn to it often for strength. I hope you find some great strength in it too. Here goes:
1 Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed.
2 Blessed is the man that doeth this, and the son of man that layeth hold on it; that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and keepeth his hand from doing any evil.
Commentary: The chapter begins with a few conditions for the promises about to be expounded upon. Interestingly, Isaiah has not yet explained his intended audience yet, which he usually does right away. I think he's just especially trying to emphasize the importance of these conditions. He's going to spend most of the rest of the chapter unfolding tender mercies and promised blessings, but for now he needs us to know that we have to put forth a little bit of effort to claim all of them. The first verse's message is very simple: "Choose the right! There are good things just around the corner."
The second verse begins to foretell blessings to come, and then takes the time to very specifically mention one particular commandment: honoring the sabbath. I cannot honestly tell you why this particular commandment is singled out, but I can testify that observance of it has very directly helped facilitate the blessings outlined in this chapter in my own life. I live for the sabbath day. I have a very busy life and love having a day that I don't have to worry about homework or work or so many other cares life brings. Those who drag worldly stresses onto the sabbath punish themselves! Preach My Gospel says the following about keeping the Sabbath: "When a community or nation grows careless in its Sabbath activities, its religious life decays and all aspects of life are negatively affected. The blessings associated with keeping the Sabbath day holy are lost" (PMG, p. 74). Notice also the second specified piece of this counsel in verse two to "keep your hand from doing any evil." Many potential applications here for sins that our hands commit. Find one applicable to you.
Now, with the foundation of counsel and conditions, Isaiah is prepared to address his intended audience:
3 Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree.
Commentary: So, Isaiah has revealed a two-fold audience. These blessings and promises will apply to the "son of the stranger," in other words, those born outside the covenant who convert to the gospel. He is comforting them because they feel like they are lesser members of the kingdom, separate from the lifelong members and thus rather discouraged. The second group is much more unique: Isaiah specifically counsels eunuchs who are part of the covenant people. These men are discouraged because they know the role of family in the gospel plan and feel like therefore they can't receive a fullness of gospel blessings because they are "dry trees" incapable of marrying or having children.
Isaiah was perhaps more aware than most if not all of his OT contemporaries the importance of his writings for our day. He writes a lot of things that weren't pertinent to his peers nearly at all, but which are vitally important to us today. Often he has applications for both time periods though, and this seems to be one of those times. The convert demographic is obvious enough in our day, but what about eunuchs? Well, while I don't personally know of any castrated latter-day saints in our day, I do know of faithful singles who, for no fault of their own (just as most eunuchs--who were typically made so at birth) may not have the opportunity to marry in this life. While I certainly hope to marry in this life, what if that just isn't the plan? Couldn't faithful saints who experience same-sex attraction and never marry be easily likened to these eunuchs in their desperate plight, worrying if the blessings of eternal family and exaltation will be withheld forever? What about faithful LDS women who are faithful and don't see marriage in this life, like Sister Barbara Thompson of the Relief Society general presidency? Perhaps the eunuch comparison may sound far-fetched to you right now, but keep reading. I believe that Isaiah wasn't just addressing a similar group of people; I believe he saw our day and wrote this letter to the eunuchs of his own with us in mind.
4 For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant;
5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give unto them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
Commentary: The conditions of the blessings for the eunuchs are reasserted, including an additional reference to the sabbath day. Then, the Lord makes a beautiful promise: the promise of temple blessings. He has reminded them earlier that they are not "dry trees." They have eternal potential and can receive the same eternal blessings, and to prove that to them, he tells them to take the blessings of their temple covenants as a reminder of what the Lord is willing to give them. By the way, to underscore the relevance of verse 5 to our temple covenants, it's worth noting that the word "place" is an erroneous translation that would be better rendered "hand." Thus, the Lord invites the eunuchs to come to his house (the temple) and receive by covenant a HAND and a NAME. In short, the endowment becomes God's down-payment on the blessings of eternal exaltation including roles in eternal families that go beyond merely those "of sons and of daughters" (implicitly, those of husbands/fathers and of wives/mothers).
By the way, the use of the word "daughters" itself implies an extended audience beyond just the eunuchs he's addressed expressly in these verses, since all eunuchs were male and therefore saying "daughters" (which is rare enough in scripture even when eunuchs aren't involved) doesn't make sense unless others are implied. Remember that while verse 3 addressed both converts and eunuchs, verses 4 and 5 address only the eunuchs, just as the next 2 will address specifically the converts:
6 Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the LORD, to serve him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be his servants, every one that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and taketh hold of my covenant;
7 Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people.
Commentary: Like the eunuchs, recall that the converts were depressed because they felt like they were unable to be full participants in the Kingdom. Perhaps their past lives filled them with guilt, or perhaps they were mistreated by others of the covenant. Either way, they had thoughts very similar in many ways to those of the eunuchs, and the Lord actually promises them the same blessing! He explains it in a different way, but in verse seven he promises the blessings of the temple as a reminder of their eternal inheritance. The beautiful thing about the Hebrew poetic synonymous parallelism created by verses 4-5 in parallel with 6-7 is that while they say basically the same thing, the different explanations of the same thing expand our understanding. In other words, 4-5 may be addressed to the eunuchs, but the converts actually can directly own those verses because they are told the same thing in parallel. Likewise, the eunuchs may take meaning from verses 6-7. And this "eunuch" intends to. :)
Verse seven contains what is perhaps the most meaningful phrase to me personally from the entire chapter: "their sacrifices shall be accepted." All faithful covenant keepers make sacrifices, and it is very touching to me when the Lord takes time to acknowledge that fact. After all, our small sacrifices mean very little compared to His Great Sacrifice. And yet He cries with us in the pain of the things that are hard for us to part with, but which must go if we are to live with Him forever. When I first read this chapter with a realization of its application to my plight, I had actually been having some rather depressing thoughts. In the first place, I had been unhealthily dwelling far too much on fantasies (non-sexual) of what it would be like to be with a man. The idea was actually (and still sometimes is) so beautiful to me. Of course, it is mingled with lots of other guilt and confusing emotions too, but I fully recognize and believe that temporally I could be very happy living in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. But I have already made a decision to lay that desire on the altar of sacrifice. That's what I'd been thinking and reminding myself of my commitment to when I found this chapter and read the sweet reassurance that my sacrifice was accepted of the Lord. And do you know what? I am not sad at all about the choice I've made. In fact, I find lots of happiness also in the thought of being in a long-term (that is, eternal) relationship with an elect daughter of God. I truly do desire that very deeply and find happiness in chaste fantasies about that life as well. And what if I don't attain that in this life? Yet will I not say to the Lord that I am a barren tree. I will trust Him and rely on the blessings of my temple covenants as a reminder of the celestial rewards to come. And that makes me happy.
One last verse to tie it all together:
8 The Lord GOD which gathereth the outcasts of Israel saith, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those that are gathered unto him.
Commentary: The end of verse seven talked about the Lord's house being for all people, and the chapter concludes with this similar verse of counsel to the converts and "eunuchs" who perceive themselves as outcasts in the Kingdom. He gathers us too! And He will gather others not yet of the covenant, who also need to be made welcome here. All people are different. All people have struggles. Most people would be blown away to learn some of the trials I've been blessed with in this life. Likewise, if I knew what each person around me struggled with I would probably be equally amazed. There is no cause to "judge another, when I walk imperfectly," for we would do well to remember that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymn 220). The Lord wants us to make room for everyone in the kingdom, be they convert, eunuch, or anyone else. Begin today to widen the scope of your embrace for God's children. God wants to have all of His children back.
My best,
Obadiah
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Inner Peace (John 14:27)
So, for a variety of unimportant reasons, I am not leaving Provo to go "home" (meaning where my family lives--not necessarily where I grew up) for the holidays until Friday evening. Meanwhile, nearly everyone in my ward is gone and most of my other friends, so yesterday I was alone almost all day just doing work from my computer. Being inside my apartment and not connecting with anybody can really drive a person mad--and some thoughts in relation to SSA were weighing especially heavy on me and I was kind of an emotional basket case for no reason whatsoever. I've mainly been filled with lots of doubts and skepticism regarding my friendships lately, and so having all your friends leave for the holidays while you are still stuck there doesn't leave one in the best mental state. In this shaky emotional state, I then had an even more emotionally confusing evening, but for you to understand, I will unfortunately have to dig into a painful recent chapter of my life:
This last summer I met a girl who, miracle of miracles, I was attracted to in the physical attraction dimension (for more on dimensions of attraction, see my post from a few days ago on true love). For a little while this last semester we dated. Don't ask me for details about what happened. Suffice it to say that it didn't work out and my heart broke more than it ever had with any of my other short-lived, failed, attempted relationships. Are you a fan of William Yeats? So am I. :P One of my favorite poems he wrote is "The Second Coming," mainly for 2 lines that tend to describe either my life's events or my psychological state at least once every other week. I have them by heart and recite them to myself often. They say:
"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."
Well, when my short-lived relationship came apart at the seams, that's exactly what happened not only literally to the relationship, but quite personally to me emotionally. She was the first person since a girl in high school that I felt true physical attraction for and I felt like I had squandered the miracle of finding her when things didn't work out. Up to that point in my life, I had very directly refused to acknowledge my SSA in my own mind (ironic since such a direct refusal of recognition is in itself a form of acknowledgment). I kept telling myself that if I told myself I didn't like men long enough, then one day I'd wake up and it would come true! Back in May, before I met her, I had gone into a depressing funk wherein I first began to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men (a fact that the back of my mind had been keenly aware since 8th grade with some early remnants perhaps as early as age 4). That's when things first started to fall apart emotionally for me (In May, not at age 4!). I started getting on the internet A LOT and reading things that were the opposite of what I needed. Thankfully I didn't get tangled in porn, but got dangerously close to it many times and did get into a phase of reading gay romance stories, often having to skim through the parts that got erotic. (Wow, I can't believe that I just put that out there. That's actually a huge relief to admit!)
When I met her, it was like a clear answer to prayer. It seemed like I had finally woken up from the nightmare and those years of telling myself I was actually attracted to girls had paid off! When the "center could not hold" and "things fell apart," all of the turmoil returned. I tried desparately to be attracted to just about any and every other girl I saw, but I was actually just finding more and more men than ever that thrilled, excited, and even aroused me. That's when I decided to hunker down and begin my journey of discovering who I was--a story that has been unfolding on this blog. And through it all I've had an emotional roller-coaster. I have never felt so much fear, but neither have I ever felt so much inner peace and confidence! My past posts so far, of course, tell the story of my increase in understanding and being honest with myself and how that honesty has set me free and allowed me to approach my SSA in a healthy and uplifting way. God stepped in to help me with that. If I had returned to and continued approaching this subject the way I was going about it back in May and June before I met her, I can guarantee that today my testimony would be significantly impaired, if still intact at all. I'm almost certain I'd have eventually yielded to pornography and masturbation, and may have already even had some gay hookups. I'm very serious when I say that God intervened with a series of miracles this last semester to help point me in a direction of healthy, spiritual self-discovery so that I could understand this side of myself on spiritually safe ground.
So, with that lengthy preface I return to yesterday. I was, as I said, once again in a state of emotional turmoil, as still happens from time to time for various reasons. Things got even more complicated when a girl from my ward who is also still stuck in Provo asked me if I wanted to go caroling and watch a movie with her. This girl is the one in the ward that every guy wants--super fun, super social, spiritual giant RM, and to most men very attractive. She has quite curiously not been in a relationship this semester, and I think most people have wondered why, especially since nearly every guy in the ward has asked her out. I was telling a friend of mine in the ward the other day that she could probably have her pick of any guy in the ward, and he seemed to agree with me. Those words kind of came back to bite me last night when, while watching "Kung Fu Panda 2" she kept getting closer and at one point started to put her hand on mine. I began to realize that she might have just made up her mind about which guy she wanted to pick, and what if it's me!!!
In many ways I have longed for a steady and happy relationship with SOMEONE for a long time, so the thought of being in a relationship with her is very appealing. At the same time, I just wrote on Saturday on this very blog how I could never marry someone unless I was attracted to her. I also feel like I'd never want to date someone I knew I could never marry because you are otherwise just postponing a painful breakup that will only be worse the longer you put it off. So my mind has been playing a game of trying to convince itself that I'm attracted to her--after all, she actually looks a lot like the girl I recently dated and in non-physical dimensions of attraction, I AM attracted to her. But all of that psychological guessing game garbage will have to be postponed for a later post (mainly because I'm still chewing on it).
It didn't help that the movie was Kung Fu Panda 2. I know that sounds weird, but I hadn't seen it before and therefore had no idea how relevant its themes would be to my life and dilemmas. I'm only slightly embarassed to admit that I cry easily in movies and then feel really stupid when I cry during something as utterly silly as Kung Fu Panda 2. Luckily I'm 90% sure the girl didn't see my tears. Anyway, (spoiler alert) in the movie the protagonist Po becomes hindered in his abilities until he goes on a painful journey of self-discovery to find out new truths about himself that he's been repressing his entire life. By exploring painful truths about himself and his past, he is able to find "inner peace" and master those feelings, using them to IMPROVE his abilities and the person he is. Sound familiar? Yeah--it was like the last emotional 8 months of my life being relived in a CGI Dreamworks film at the end of an emotionally taxing day amidst an emotionally confusing setting of receiving affection from a girl any man would die for but whom I fail to feel physical attraction for!
Needless to say I got home in even more emotional stress. And then God did something wonderful. He made good on the promise Christ gave to his disciples in John 14:27, and which He offers to all His faithful disciples throughout time:
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
Like Po in Kung Fu Panda 2, I was blessed to once again find the inner peace that God has helped make my companion over the past month of discovering myself since the break-up. God took the trouble and fear from my heart (hearkening back again to the first scripture of this blog from 2 Timothy 1:7-8). He replaced it with peace and patience. To a degree He filled it with understanding, but honestly not much. But He did offer the patiece to believe that understanding is forthcoming. I still have lots of questions. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this other girl (keep reading in the future and you'll probably find out). I am still concerned about pursuing healthy male friendships and some of the complications related thereto. Nonetheless, God has given me peace and I know somehow that things will be all right.
What I love about the verse above from John is the reminder that the ways God gives us peace are not the same as the world's techniques. I get several emails a week from disgruntled readers telling me that I would be happier if I just left the Church and moved in with other gay men and lived that life. And yet, back in May and June when my testimony was more on the brink than it's ever been, I was filled with depression and confusion. The more of the world I let in, the less peace I felt. By contrast, despite days like yesterday the last month of my life has been one of the most sublimely peaceful in many ways. I have truly loved it. Last night I didn't gain inner peace by turning to gay porn or masturbation or by cursing God, as the world would tell me to do to gain peace. Instead, I prayed. Honestly, it didn't immediately give me too much peace. Then, however, I checked my email and read some uplifting messages from some of my new online support-group friends from North Star (if you don't know what that is, click on that link and find out today!!!) who said a few things that I'm sure the Spirit prompted them to that calmed my troubled heart. We're very confidential with what we discuss in the group, so I can't share any specifics here, but I can say that I suddenly felt the voice of the Spirit again, reminding me that God gives us peace in His own way and time. Sometimes it is through others who are spiritually atuned. One email was a very simple message directly to me extended from another member of North Star but not through the discussion forum channels. We have conversed electronically a bit in the past few days and just seeing his friendly note helped me immensely when I needed it last night. (Thanks again--you know who you are!)
Today I am happy. I have lots of peace--I must, because I couldn't have written this rather personal and difficult post without it! Don't let the world sell you counterfeit peace. God's original product beats all the flawed reproductions, and He is willing to offer it gladly to you--but He will give it in His own way and time, not in the way the world or even you may expect or demand Him to.
Thanks again to my friends in North Star. God leading me to you was one of His greatest miracles in this journey yet.
My best,
Obadiah
P.S. If you are having a particularly depressing day and need a more humorous pick-me-up, go to a computer with a web-cam, turn up the volume, and visit the site below, courtesy of the Old Spice Guy, who I hope even straight guys have a crush on. ;)
http://www.youareawonderfulpersonwithmanyuniquegiftsandtalents.info/
This last summer I met a girl who, miracle of miracles, I was attracted to in the physical attraction dimension (for more on dimensions of attraction, see my post from a few days ago on true love). For a little while this last semester we dated. Don't ask me for details about what happened. Suffice it to say that it didn't work out and my heart broke more than it ever had with any of my other short-lived, failed, attempted relationships. Are you a fan of William Yeats? So am I. :P One of my favorite poems he wrote is "The Second Coming," mainly for 2 lines that tend to describe either my life's events or my psychological state at least once every other week. I have them by heart and recite them to myself often. They say:
"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world."
Well, when my short-lived relationship came apart at the seams, that's exactly what happened not only literally to the relationship, but quite personally to me emotionally. She was the first person since a girl in high school that I felt true physical attraction for and I felt like I had squandered the miracle of finding her when things didn't work out. Up to that point in my life, I had very directly refused to acknowledge my SSA in my own mind (ironic since such a direct refusal of recognition is in itself a form of acknowledgment). I kept telling myself that if I told myself I didn't like men long enough, then one day I'd wake up and it would come true! Back in May, before I met her, I had gone into a depressing funk wherein I first began to come to terms with the fact that I was attracted to men (a fact that the back of my mind had been keenly aware since 8th grade with some early remnants perhaps as early as age 4). That's when things first started to fall apart emotionally for me (In May, not at age 4!). I started getting on the internet A LOT and reading things that were the opposite of what I needed. Thankfully I didn't get tangled in porn, but got dangerously close to it many times and did get into a phase of reading gay romance stories, often having to skim through the parts that got erotic. (Wow, I can't believe that I just put that out there. That's actually a huge relief to admit!)
When I met her, it was like a clear answer to prayer. It seemed like I had finally woken up from the nightmare and those years of telling myself I was actually attracted to girls had paid off! When the "center could not hold" and "things fell apart," all of the turmoil returned. I tried desparately to be attracted to just about any and every other girl I saw, but I was actually just finding more and more men than ever that thrilled, excited, and even aroused me. That's when I decided to hunker down and begin my journey of discovering who I was--a story that has been unfolding on this blog. And through it all I've had an emotional roller-coaster. I have never felt so much fear, but neither have I ever felt so much inner peace and confidence! My past posts so far, of course, tell the story of my increase in understanding and being honest with myself and how that honesty has set me free and allowed me to approach my SSA in a healthy and uplifting way. God stepped in to help me with that. If I had returned to and continued approaching this subject the way I was going about it back in May and June before I met her, I can guarantee that today my testimony would be significantly impaired, if still intact at all. I'm almost certain I'd have eventually yielded to pornography and masturbation, and may have already even had some gay hookups. I'm very serious when I say that God intervened with a series of miracles this last semester to help point me in a direction of healthy, spiritual self-discovery so that I could understand this side of myself on spiritually safe ground.
So, with that lengthy preface I return to yesterday. I was, as I said, once again in a state of emotional turmoil, as still happens from time to time for various reasons. Things got even more complicated when a girl from my ward who is also still stuck in Provo asked me if I wanted to go caroling and watch a movie with her. This girl is the one in the ward that every guy wants--super fun, super social, spiritual giant RM, and to most men very attractive. She has quite curiously not been in a relationship this semester, and I think most people have wondered why, especially since nearly every guy in the ward has asked her out. I was telling a friend of mine in the ward the other day that she could probably have her pick of any guy in the ward, and he seemed to agree with me. Those words kind of came back to bite me last night when, while watching "Kung Fu Panda 2" she kept getting closer and at one point started to put her hand on mine. I began to realize that she might have just made up her mind about which guy she wanted to pick, and what if it's me!!!
In many ways I have longed for a steady and happy relationship with SOMEONE for a long time, so the thought of being in a relationship with her is very appealing. At the same time, I just wrote on Saturday on this very blog how I could never marry someone unless I was attracted to her. I also feel like I'd never want to date someone I knew I could never marry because you are otherwise just postponing a painful breakup that will only be worse the longer you put it off. So my mind has been playing a game of trying to convince itself that I'm attracted to her--after all, she actually looks a lot like the girl I recently dated and in non-physical dimensions of attraction, I AM attracted to her. But all of that psychological guessing game garbage will have to be postponed for a later post (mainly because I'm still chewing on it).
It didn't help that the movie was Kung Fu Panda 2. I know that sounds weird, but I hadn't seen it before and therefore had no idea how relevant its themes would be to my life and dilemmas. I'm only slightly embarassed to admit that I cry easily in movies and then feel really stupid when I cry during something as utterly silly as Kung Fu Panda 2. Luckily I'm 90% sure the girl didn't see my tears. Anyway, (spoiler alert) in the movie the protagonist Po becomes hindered in his abilities until he goes on a painful journey of self-discovery to find out new truths about himself that he's been repressing his entire life. By exploring painful truths about himself and his past, he is able to find "inner peace" and master those feelings, using them to IMPROVE his abilities and the person he is. Sound familiar? Yeah--it was like the last emotional 8 months of my life being relived in a CGI Dreamworks film at the end of an emotionally taxing day amidst an emotionally confusing setting of receiving affection from a girl any man would die for but whom I fail to feel physical attraction for!
Needless to say I got home in even more emotional stress. And then God did something wonderful. He made good on the promise Christ gave to his disciples in John 14:27, and which He offers to all His faithful disciples throughout time:
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
Like Po in Kung Fu Panda 2, I was blessed to once again find the inner peace that God has helped make my companion over the past month of discovering myself since the break-up. God took the trouble and fear from my heart (hearkening back again to the first scripture of this blog from 2 Timothy 1:7-8). He replaced it with peace and patience. To a degree He filled it with understanding, but honestly not much. But He did offer the patiece to believe that understanding is forthcoming. I still have lots of questions. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this other girl (keep reading in the future and you'll probably find out). I am still concerned about pursuing healthy male friendships and some of the complications related thereto. Nonetheless, God has given me peace and I know somehow that things will be all right.
What I love about the verse above from John is the reminder that the ways God gives us peace are not the same as the world's techniques. I get several emails a week from disgruntled readers telling me that I would be happier if I just left the Church and moved in with other gay men and lived that life. And yet, back in May and June when my testimony was more on the brink than it's ever been, I was filled with depression and confusion. The more of the world I let in, the less peace I felt. By contrast, despite days like yesterday the last month of my life has been one of the most sublimely peaceful in many ways. I have truly loved it. Last night I didn't gain inner peace by turning to gay porn or masturbation or by cursing God, as the world would tell me to do to gain peace. Instead, I prayed. Honestly, it didn't immediately give me too much peace. Then, however, I checked my email and read some uplifting messages from some of my new online support-group friends from North Star (if you don't know what that is, click on that link and find out today!!!) who said a few things that I'm sure the Spirit prompted them to that calmed my troubled heart. We're very confidential with what we discuss in the group, so I can't share any specifics here, but I can say that I suddenly felt the voice of the Spirit again, reminding me that God gives us peace in His own way and time. Sometimes it is through others who are spiritually atuned. One email was a very simple message directly to me extended from another member of North Star but not through the discussion forum channels. We have conversed electronically a bit in the past few days and just seeing his friendly note helped me immensely when I needed it last night. (Thanks again--you know who you are!)
Today I am happy. I have lots of peace--I must, because I couldn't have written this rather personal and difficult post without it! Don't let the world sell you counterfeit peace. God's original product beats all the flawed reproductions, and He is willing to offer it gladly to you--but He will give it in His own way and time, not in the way the world or even you may expect or demand Him to.
Thanks again to my friends in North Star. God leading me to you was one of His greatest miracles in this journey yet.
My best,
Obadiah
P.S. If you are having a particularly depressing day and need a more humorous pick-me-up, go to a computer with a web-cam, turn up the volume, and visit the site below, courtesy of the Old Spice Guy, who I hope even straight guys have a crush on. ;)
http://www.youareawonderfulpersonwithmanyuniquegiftsandtalents.info/
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