This post is the first of three in which I plan to delve into my current feelings and reflections on the situations of various sub-demographics at the intersection of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the LGBTQ+ Community, from both a doctrinal and practical perspective. This first post concerns the Singles who Stay.
At risk of being redundant with the many others who have
already blogged about Disney’s latest animated hit, Encanto, I’ve
decided to join the club. I have not been able to stop thinking about some of
the most pivotal themes of the film since I first saw it back in November. Most
notably, a heartbreaking sequence and song in the film’s first act has had me
reflecting on the challenges of many of my peers in the same-sex attracted
Latter-day Saint community.
In case you haven’t seen it and intend to, I’ll give you a
very minor spoiler warning for this paragraph and the next. The protagonist,
Mirabel, is a young adult in a family where each member was given a magical
ability during a rite of passage ceremony as a pre-teen… except her. For some
reason, when she was to receive her “gift,” the magical house which bestows
them decided to decline, making her the only non-magical member of her
generation in the family. She had seen each of her older siblings and cousins
receive their gifts before her as they passed through their own magic doors and
inexplicably found her own door taken away.
All of this information is revealed as back story, and as
the film’s story begins, her younger cousin Antonio is having his own ceremony
to receive his gift. She once again finds herself watching someone she loves
receive a gift that she does not and rejoice in blessings that she will never
know. She then sings a song called “Waiting on a Miracle” that tragically expresses her grief at feeling
that not only is her lack of a gift a big enough blow to begin with, but her
non-gift status often causes her to feel like an outsider within her own
family.
From my very first viewing I have seen so much of the
experience of my many good single LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saint single friends
reflected in Mirabel’s story. These faithful members often long more than
anything for companionship and marriage, and see their brothers and sisters
walk through those magic temple doors to claim those blessings again and again.
Like Mirabel genuinely celebrates Antonio’s successful claiming of his gift,
these members often share real joy in seeing the blessings poured out on their
loved ones, even as they also feel the pain of not understanding where their
miracle is. Furthermore, they, like Mirabel, can often feel like outsiders in a
Church where they are constantly reminded that marriage is central to God’s
plan; where so many ward activities are centered around doing things with
children they don’t have; where even certain important callings require being
married.
I have dear, close friends in this category. Their faith is remarkable,
and I believe their course is among the hardest you can choose in the Church
given all the circumstances that they didn’t choose. Some still fully
anticipate finding marriage someday (a choice I’ll discuss more in part three
of this series of posts), while others do not foresee that possibility being
within reach. It gets harder when they are given constant reminders, such as
while faithfully reading their “Come, Follow Me” assignment a few weeks ago
that “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Later
this year we’ll study in Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 the following:
“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
“For if they fall, the one will
lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath
not another to help him up.
“Again, if two lie together,
then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”
With these constant reminders of the need for companionship,
what is a single member of the Church to do? Especially one for whom the
prospect of marriage seems perhaps not just dim but impossibly out of reach?
Recently David Archuleta posted a heartfelt hour-long reflection on his own personal difficulties in this
position. I soon after read a blog-post response
from another such member I’ve never met who similarly reflected on this plight
and raised the possibility of alternative paths forward that involve fidelity
to covenants while filling the need of companionship.
These ideas aren’t entirely new. I’ve heard many gay members
of the Church weigh some of these possibilities and before meeting my wife I
myself once considered them. Most of them involve the idea of living in a close
non-sexual relationship with a person of the same gender while remaining active
in the Church. I know several members who currently are in these relationships
and making it work. Elder Christofferson’s brother Tom, who has remained single
for years as a faithful same-sex attracted member, recently mentioned that he’s
contemplating pursing such an arrangement. However, this choice is not without
controversy.
These kinds of relationships seem to be within a wide
doctrinal gray zone, and there is absolutely no consistency on how local
leaders respond. Some have been encouraged by their bishops to seek healthy
companionship while staying active, while others have been told by their
bishops that these situations are sinful or tantamount to “the appearance of
evil” we are told to avoid. So where do I stand on this subject these days?
Well, for starters, let’s ask a more basic question: Should
a same-sex attracted person be forbidden from having roommates? That to me
sounds ludicrous. I myself had many of them in college. If a member seeking a
close companion to live with refers to them as their “roommate” does that make
this idea more palatable to those who may resist the idea? There are no rules
against having friends, and certainly not against roommates. If a single member
has a long-term non-sexual roommate who they are particularly close friends
with, travel with, and maybe even share finances with and this gives them a
stable relationship that offers happiness and fulfillment, where is the harm in
that? And who cares what word is used to describe that relationship. (I go back
on forth on words sometimes; words definitely matter, but sometimes we forget
that they matter much less than the reality of what they are describing. But that’s
a post for another time…) If someone honestly wants to stay in full fellowship
in the Church and live up to covenants while not wanting to be lonely, let’s
encourage them in those pursuits.
The scriptures are actually overflowing with examples of such
close same-sex friendships. Recall the story of two recently widowed women who
opted to move in as roommates as Ruth said to Naomi, “Entreat me not to
leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I
will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people,
and thy God my God.” (Ruth 1:16).
Consider the relationship between Jonathan and David, which
was incredibly close and described thus in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:
And it came to pass… that the
soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his
own soul.
And Saul took him that day, and
would let him go no more home to his father’s house.
Then Jonathan and David made a
covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.
And Jonathan stripped himself of
the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his
sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
This relationship was so close they even formed a “covenant”
between them, denoting some formal commitment of their friendship. Further
examples are plentiful. Alma and Amulek; Mary and Martha; Joseph and Hyrum.
Notable also is the relationship between Jesus Christ and John, referred to as
“the Beloved” because of the closeness of his personal friendship with the
Savior, and who leaned on the Savior’s breast during the last supper.
Perhaps these stories serve as a reminder to all of us that
non-marital relationships, more commonly referred to as friendships, are
important and have value. We hear a lot of emphasis on the importance of
marriage, but perhaps not enough on the importance of other friendships. The
Lord wants us to have and make friends. The singles who stay that I know
personally seem to understand the value and power of friendship deeper than
most people I know. They’ve come to truly understand that power and I’ve
learned a lot from them and their example.
Of course, not all people in this category stay there
forever. For some, the dream of marriage eventually works out. Others choose to
marry someone of the same gender and either leave the Church entirely or remain
but outside of covenants. That too is a topic I’ve reflected a lot upon and
will save for part two in this series.
On a final note, I’d like to point out that while many of
these members find themselves “waiting on a miracle,” they are not constantly
beleaguered by sadness. My friends would definitely give me some reproach if I
made it sound like they are eternally depressed. Indeed, they are among the
happiest people I know. They so often radiate joy, and that joy comes from
their grounding in the gospel, as one of them reminded me very vividly just
last night. To all of you who are single but stay, I send you my love, my
respect, and my support. I love you.
P.S. If you regularly follow the blog, you’ve probably
noticed that my consistency in posting has not been great. I’m a busy dad. So
don’t expect parts two and three to come out right away. It’s all written
loosely in my head, but getting it written down takes time. Thanks for your
patience!
