Straining at Gnats, Swallowing Camels (Matthew 23:24-28)

I'm going to be completely up front with you: I'm in a rather "soap-box-ish" mood right now as I write this post. But I'm going to try not to get TOO heated in bringing an important topic to the table.

Many of you, especially others of you in Provo, probably found yourselves scratching your heads this week over a viral story revolving around modesty and the BYU honor code. If not, let me tell you the now well-known Valentine's Day story of Brittany Molina, who that day was dressed like this:

She was handed a note by a stranger while she was studying on campus. Initially flattered to receive a secret Valentine, she unfolded it to learn that is was not a love note at all. Instead, it offered her the following rebuke: "You may want to consider that what you're wearing has a negative effect on men (and women) around you. Many people come to this university because they feel safe, morally as well as physically, here. They expect others to abide by the Honor Code that we all agreed on. Please consider your commitment to the Honor Code (which you agreed to) when dressing each day. Thank you."

Yeah, I know. I was confused too. Scroll up again. I couldn't quite see how her appearance would inspire unhealthy thoughts in men (but then again, I'm not the most qualified guy to judge that either). Anyway, clearly it seems like even if the young man was having issues with his thoughts because of what she was wearing, he went about things the wrong way. Definitely overreacted. At least she seems to have been a good sport about it and posted the picture, the story, and the note on Twitter herself, leading to its viral proliferation.

But anyway, while that story is at least to a degree amusing, the next one I have for you is not. With campus abuzz with Brittany's story, I became privy to another conversation about modesty that quickly turned into something quite different. A group of students was discussing how so many girls break the honor code by wearing immodest clothing. This led to a discussion of the evils in the world corrupting the morals we stand for, which led a discussion of how liberals are ruining the world. Ultimately, a conclusion was reached, half-jokingly, to "burn all the liberals, burn all the gays."

This isn't the first time I've heard such things said. And who hasn't heard the classic line of "stick all the gays on an island together" at least once or twice before? It usually doesn't bug me as much as it did this time, and I think the reason was because of their purported devotion to the honor code just a couple minutes before. I thought of the words of Christ when he rebuked the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23:24-38, saying,

24 Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.
25 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within are full of extortion and excess.
26 Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.
27 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.
28 Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.

Now, this passage is a little harsh. It is, honestly, TOO harsh for this situation. I am certainly not here to condemn these students to the same degree Christ condemned the Pharisees. However, I think there are some important principles here that apply. Perhaps what bugged me the most is that they were so passionate about maintaining that a skirt that is an inch too short violates the honor code, but apparently don't think that hate speech does. This is what Christ referred to when he spoke of those who would "strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel." They made very public displays out of expressing their utter abhorrence for the breaking of tiny technical parts of the law of Moses, but were at the same time violating much more important commands, especially as regards the deeper, principle levels of the law. And that's how I feel we must be acting when we very publicly condemn girls for a few inches of fabric, but disregard what Christ called one of the "Great Commandments," to love our neighbors as ourselves. If you are deficient in love for your fellow men, then I don't care how modestly you dress--you've become merely a whited sepulchre or a vessel clean only on the outside; you "outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy."

Now, let me be clear: I am in no way advocating the swallowing of gnats! There is certainly danger in people pointing to others swallowing camels and using it to justify their own gnat swallowing. By all means I support the principle of modesty and adherence to those outward parts of the BYU honor code. But without clean inner vessels, you aren't really remotely living any code of honor. There is no honor in making degrading comments about others who are different from you. In April Conference of 2006, Pres. Hinckley spoke about the evils of hate speech, specifically regarding race, though it seems his remarks can be equally applied to any hate speech made based on differences in orientation, religion, race, gender, or any other factor. He said:

"Now I am told that racial slurs and denigrating remarks are sometimes heard among us. I remind you that no man who makes disparaging remarks concerning those of another race can consider himself a true disciple of Christ. Nor can he consider himself to be in harmony with the teachings of the Church of Christ...

"Throughout my service as a member of the First Presidency, I have recognized and spoken a number of times on the diversity we see in our society. It is all about us, and we must make an effort to accommodate that diversity.

"Let us all recognize that each of us is a son or daughter of our Father in Heaven, who loves all of His children.

"Brethren, there is no basis for racial hatred among the priesthood of this Church. If any within the sound of my voice is inclined to indulge in this, then let him go before the Lord and ask for forgiveness and be no more involved in such."

Can it be any more clear than that? 

Now, that being said I must also add a caveat that I've seen the door swing in the other direction sometimes. I've sadly seen other same-sex attracted men get tangled up in deep sexual transgression while decrying a lack of tolerance in others. Don't let the gnats of others allow you to try justifying your camels! Will others judge you whether you are righteous or not? YES THEY WILL! But does their judging make your sins excusable? Absolutely not. And that applies to any sin and every person. 

My suggestion? Take further advice from Christ given on another occasion when he encouraged us to look for the beams in our own eyes before removing the mote (i.e. twig) in our neighbor's. Focus on discovering whatever gnats or camels you are swallowing and eliminate those rather than decrying the wretched evils of what your neighbor is doing. I mean, honestly, how likely are you to help your neighbor when you approach him in a spirit of self-righteousness and without love in your heart? Not very likely. Work on your own inner vessels, and let it begin with the great commandments: to love God, and to love your fellow beings. 

I hope I haven't sounded TOO bitter in this post. I honestly am sure that those students on the whole are great people and maybe just need a little guidance in a few things. So do I. Don't we all? 

My best,

Obadiah

I Have a Dream (Romans 1:16)

Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.
(January 15, 1929-April 4, 1968)

49 years ago this year Martin Luther King, Jr. told the world about the dream he had, that his "four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Today we honor the memory of a man who had incredible insight and helped bring about miracles of equality for his race. I cannot think of a better way to honor him than to take a little time to fight for many of the same principles that he espoused: namely, the idea of love for those who are different, especially as one who has faced a bit of persecution for being who he is.

I've mentioned before the great irony of being a faithful latter-day saint experiencing same-sex attraction: you tend to feel persecution sometimes on two fronts. Indeed, there are reasons why this blog is anonymous, and the foremost reason is because I know there are individuals in my life who simply wouldn't speak to me anymore if they knew. I'm dead serious. It is sad that even within the Church there are still those who cannot accept us as regular human beings. Paranoia still rules many thoughts. Some misconceptions I've heard honestly perpetuated among some Church members within the last month (I'm not making these up!):

*Those who have thought homosexual thoughts ever in their lives cannot receive the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom.
*Same-sex attraction comes about purely as the result of sin, or not living as fully righteously as you could have. It means the person has neglected their soul enough to let it be warped into such an unnatural state.
*Same-sex attraction is merely a choice, and those who have made that choice need to repent and stop trying to be different for the sake of attention.
*Those who are same-gender attracted cannot take the sacrament. (Some even think they shouldn't be allowed to come to Church, lest they corrupt the youth).

I have a dream that one day I could be open about my SSA and be judged not by who I find attractive, but by the content of my character. The statements above bring me to a topic I have come to feel very strongly about as I've gotten to know others who experience what I do. That topic is Shame. When people say statements like those above, it perpetuates depression and shame among those who are SSA. These misconceptions succeed in making the individual feel that they are condemned and responsible for inclinations beyond their choosing. This negates agency and seems to predestine the individual. Sounds a lot like Satan's plan to me...

That said, I must add that on the whole I am actually very optimistic about where the majority of Church members are on this issue. I think most do not hold the views expressed above and are extremely loving not only of those like me who stay in the Church while experiencing same-sex attraction, but also of those who choose to leave and pursue a homosexual partner. This is wonderful, because Christ simply commanded us to love everyone. I can state that I believe homosexual acts to be a sin we must avoid, and thus choose to avoid it myself, without hating those who make a different choice. But I hope that others respect my choice as well. And here I confront the other major front of the battle: the false rhetoric and hate speech of those in the LGBT community who condemn me for choosing to live an active latter-day saint lifestyle, and I fear there is much less progress on this front.

Many have called the gay rights movement the "new civil rights" movement of our day. There are many things I both agree and disagree with in that comparison, but even some within the gay community don't want full equality granted to everyone. To some of them, I am considered a traitor who undermines everything they are or believe in. That has never been my intent. I have tried never to take an anti-homosexual stance on this blog; rather, I have merely tried to affirm my own approach to the issue and declare that my set of values and choices in light of my attractions are just as valid and meaningful as those of anyone else. I don't wish to offend, but I also don't wish to be misunderstood, and I certainly won't stand being marginalized. "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth;" (Romans 1:16). If I won't let members of the Church cause me to feel shame for my attractions, then I am most certainly not about to let anybody make me feel shame for the gospel.

I think what people don't realize is that I stay in the Church not because of cultural pressure, but because I know that it is true. I didn't always. But I have been blessed with a deep and abiding testimony of the truth with many strong spiritual witnesses of its validity. I find great happiness in it, and a deep sense of identity. I speak with God in prayer every morning and night, and He comforts me. I wouldn't trade that joy for anything. But there are those who say I must, or else I'm worthy of the discrimination that they themselves fight so hard against. I've been accused of not being a real person, of not being truly gay/SSA, and many other claims just as erroneous, if not more so, than those listed above coming from the other direction. On this front I'm told that I'm just a brainwashed drone without the courage to stand up for the sexual experiences that would supposedly make me happier. Above all, it seems that many tend to resent me for saying that staying righteous is possible. They have to disagree because it didn't work for them, so they have to tell themselves it cannot work for anyone. So they focus huge amounts of energy, and often large sums of money on attacking the Church, and especially gay Mormons who choose to stick with the Church. And the biggest lie they perpetuate is that they've "never seen it work before;" that eventually we all fall down. (SO FALSE! I know online literally hundreds of the faithful who've stuck with it and many are now older and even retired, and very happy.) And so on this front I am judged to be a coward and/or a liar. Well, I have a dream that one day I can be judged not for my religious beliefs and convictions, but for the content of my character.

If I have spoken boldly to two audiences, it's because I feel very strongly about my subject. But I repeat that I bear no ill will for either party I've addressed. I also fully recognize that just as not all Church members espouse the silly claims I listed, neither do all gays and lesbians hold deep prejudices against me. But even to those who do, I offer love.

Let's return to the civil rights comparison. I served my mission in a place where racism was still all too common. I became a very passionate advocate for racial equality and an adversary to the dragon of racism on my mission. When I got home, I watched a movie I had missed while I was out called Hairspray. Many of you have probably seen it. I knew before it began that it was a chipper musical starring John Travolta as a large woman, but I had no idea that the major theme of the film was racism. I've mentioned in previous posts how embarrassed I am about the fact that I cry easily in movies. Well, Hairspray really took the cake. Keep in mind I had been home for maybe 2 weeks when I watched it, and so I was in that emotionally unstable RM stage to begin with. So when the film ended up being about an issue that had grown to be so important to me on my mission...well, let's just say... I bawled. Like a baby. I still love that movie, and it still makes me cry. And yes, I feel silly crying during Hairspray. Anyway, in the middle, there is a song sung by Queen Latifah called "I Know Where I've Been." Some of the lyrics describe well the struggle of the cause I'm speaking about. Here's an excerpt:

There's a cry
In the distance
It's a voice
That comes from deep within
There's a cry
Asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead
Yeah, 'Cause I know where I've been

There's a road
We've been travelin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price
The price we had to pay

There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
And there's pride
In my heart
'Cause I know
Where I'm going
Yes I do!
And I know where I've been


I don't care if some tell me I chose my attractions and need to repent to gain salvation. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me I'm a liar. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me I'm not really happy. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me that I'm not a real person. I certainly know otherwise! I know where I've been. And, as the song says, there is a long road and many have been lost along the way. But there is a dream of winning the struggle. "And there's pride in my heart, 'Cause I know where I'm going." I have no shame of the gospel, nor of being attracted to men. That said, there is one more topic I've got to address: my anonymity.

Some of you who have asked me how I can honestly proclaim a message that there is no need for shame in SSA when I write an anonymous blog, hiding behind my pseudonym. That question does not offend me, because it is actually a very valid concern. Honestly, there are some fantastic strong members of the Church out there who are very public and have even written wonderful books. (If you don't know who Ty Mansfield is, search him RIGHT NOW). There is a strong need for public faces to our special cross-section demographic of the LGBT community with the faithful LDS community. A part of me would love to be one of those faces. I think it would genuinely surprise a lot of people, but also give a lot of hope to see that a very normal, but also very lucky and successful guy like me experiences same-sex attraction. I think it could turn heads and do a lot of good to help heal some of those lingering fallacious public perceptions of this problem.

But I can't. It isn't a matter of shame. It is primarily because there are people very close and very important to me who unfortunately perhaps ascribe to some of those misconceptions and aren't ready yet. I don't hold that against them. I love them dearly and trust that in time they will be able to alter their views. Above all, there can be lots of complications and prejudice faced when people "come out" so to speak. I've not told anyone yet who I didn't feel spiritually prompted to. I've talked a lot with the Lord on this subject and trust that if/when He ever wants/needs me to be more public that He'll let me know. Maybe that won't ever be. I don't know. I'll trust Him. But for now I hope that you can understand that there are many complicated reasons why I simply cannot forfeit my anonymity right now, and the Lord has told me that's the right course for me. I would also caution AGAINST coming out public if the reason is merely to create drama or draw attention (we all feel that way sometimes! don't give in!). Be sure to be prayerful, and you can be sure that the Lord will let you know the correct course for you. Keeping a family relation in tact may be more important in your life right now than being able to help change public perceptions of SSA.

I have a dream that one day we will conquer the prejudices from all sides that make this subject so unfortunately taboo that it requires anonymity in the first place. I would remind you what I've said in another post: that we won't win the battle against hate/ignorance with hate and ignorance! THE ANSWER IS LOVE! As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

My best,

Obadiah

The Transforming Power of Kindness (Joshua 2:12)

Well, week two of the blog has been much less post-filled than week one. Explanation: I'm also a regular college-guy and this week was insanely filled with papers and projects and finals-preparation, etc. Anyway...

A long time ago the Children of Israel, under the leadership of Joshua, were marching towards their promised land. Along the way they had to face the walled city of Jericho. Joshua sent spies ahead to scope it out, and they meet a harlot named Rahab, a woman who's religious views and lifestyle really had very little in common with the Israelite spies. She had lots of reasons to reject them, and they had lots of reasons to condemn her, but instead something wonderful happened. Rahab shows kindness to the Israelites, and displays love instead of hate. In return she asks just one thing; from Joshua chapter 2, verse 12:

"Now therefore, I pray you, swear unto me by the LORD, since I have shewed you kindness, that ye will also shew kindness unto my father's house."

She shows them kindness, and only wants kindness in return... and the Israelites oblige. They promise safety to her and her family. Sure enough, when those walls famously come a-tumblin' down, Rahab and her family are unharmed. This story demonstrates the principle I talked about in my last post ("Love thy Neighbor"): the idea that we will not end ignorance and hate with equal ignorance and hate, but with love. The one willing to show kindness first has a greater power to influence their fellows than all the hate of the world. It is a true principle that I had the fortune of seeing really work this past week. Let me tell you about it:

I've mentioned earlier in this blog the respect I have for another LDS man with same-sex attraction who writes a blog called (Gay) Mormon Guy that I absolutely love (and which helped inspire this blog). I have never met (G)MG, but our anonymous gay Mormon blogger selves have an email correspondance we keep up. I asked him how he thought it was best to help get our message out there to make a difference. He had several keen insights he shared with me, among them the idea of commenting on gay life articles in the Huffington Post. Honestly, that idea did not appeal to me whatsoever, especially because I don't enjoy plunging into never-ending political arguments. I don't want to have to drag politics onto my blog either (though I'll have to do a little on this post). I'm pretty moderate politically--which doesn't mean I'm not passionate about some of my views. I'm just my own unique blend of conservative and liberal views, generally leanin a different direction on each issue. But I hate to argue about it, because it stresses me out, so I've learned to stop getting involved in political discussions.

Nonetheless, my blog cannot completely avoid the subject, and I do truly want to get my message out there, so I took (G)MG's advice. I commented on 6 different articles related to gay issues this week on the Huffington post. As a result, my site hits really did surge! One of the articles I commented on was even a highly political one, and that is where my own Rahab story unfolded. Now, obviously I don't want to drag the politics of the article over here, but I do need to give you a little bit about the article for background's sake. The article discussed Rick Perry's condemnation of Obama and Hillary Clinton's comments on World AIDS day regarding the need for more international attention to hate crimes against the LGBT community. Perry said that people of faith would be insulted by that message. There was more to it than that, but I'm sure you can look into it yourselves.

While I'm not really a fan of any of the politicians mentioned here, in this case I had to at least side more with Hillary Clinton's comments than Rick Perry's, as she said some things very similar to my last blog post, which I had written earlier that same day. So, I posted the following comment on the article:

Be sure, I am not trying to endorse the Obama administration or tear down the Perry candidacy here. I was really just trying to draw attention to my own views on the subject, thus why I included the blog link at the bottom of my post (and LOTS of people clicked on it). It didn't take long for me to get some replies posted to my comment. I won't print the first one, as it was a very crudely-worded and counter-productive attack on my faith and on me personally. However, I'll post the second comment generated and the brief converstation which ensued. (Just be aware that when I mention "the other comment" I'm referring to the filthier one I chose not to reprint here). Watch what happens:

(You can click to make it bigger if you can't read it)

See what happened? She initially starts to throw some disapproval at me just because I didn't want to be harder on Perry! In responding, I chose to keep my cool and then the kindness was reciprocated! If I had responded snappily or angrily, it would have undermined my entire message, and none of us would have gotten anywhere. If you ever read comment threads after political articles online, I ask: how often do you see people change their minds in those threads because of someone else's comments? Practically never! All the mean things said usually just cause people to entrench themselves deeper in their own opinions. But when kindness is shown, Rahabs and Israelites can agree, minds are changed as ignorance is replaced with understanding, and hate is replaced with love. Fantastic, eh? Now, I have to take my hat off to this abscs2000 character, since not everyone who is approached with love gets the message and responds accordingly, but she did and it made my day!

So, friends, soldier on! Keep building bridges with kindness and love. It really does work! :) And comment on Huffington Post articles--apparently that works too! (Thanks, (G)MG!)

My Best,

Obadiah

Love thy neighbor (Matthew 22:35-39)

Okay, it's about time I write a post on a really important subject: the conundrum of bullying and judging. As a member of the LDS Church, I am well-acquainted with being the recipient of hate and persecution. As a man who is physically attracted to other men, I am also keenly aware of further judgment and bullying. In fact, being both puts me in an interesting position to be hated from pretty much all directions! :)

Great sadnesses of my life: when those of other faiths bitterly degrade and attack my own; when members of my faith treat others negatively because their lifestyle or even merely their attractions are not the same as their own; when people of any age or background bully or humiliate an openly gay person in their community or school. Whenever I read stories of another gay teen suicide my heart absolutely breaks. Honestly, I'm an optimistic enough person to believe that the majority of you reading this post are equally saddened by basically everything in his paragraph so far. Now here's another sadness of my life: when the persecuted throw judgment and hate at those who persecute them.

It's easy to not be so saddened by hate flung back by the persecuted because it's easy to see their rage as basically "justified." And maybe to a degree it is. Nonetheless, we can't be satisfied with ANY forms of hate. The great irony of the man who cries, "They're all just judging me all the time!" is that he is in fact judging everyone else in return. Very likely, they weren't ALL judging him, and certainly not ALL the time, but when we are the recipients of hate, it becomes easy to hold onto the hate thrown at us and use it as our defense. I recommend a more Christian alternative: "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matt. 22:39).

Loving those who throw verbal (or literal) stones at us is not easy, but it is essential. I've always thought the metaphor of "fighting fire with fire" rather ridiculous. Do firemen save a building by spreading more fire? No, of course not! They stop fires with water or flame-retardant chemicals. Adding more fire just complicates the problem. Likewise, fighting hate with hate simply doesn't work and just burns all the parties more in the end. We must use the cooling waters of love to respond to those who hate us. Once again, it isn't easy amidst the heat of an attack against your faith, your life, your emotions, etc. to respond to the perceived monsters tormenting us with love--but if we don't, we each become just as much a monster. As a friend of mine recently shared, "If you can't get along with someone, one of you isn't going to the Celestial Kingdom." Yes, it's hard! The right choice usually is the harder one, and it always takes great courage to rush into a burning building with the hose, regardless of how thick your fire suit is (but remember from an earlier post that "God hath not given us the spirit of fear...").

So how do we learn to respond with love? I believe it begins with understanding, just as most hate is born out of ignorance. I've already said once in this post that I'm generally optimistic about people. I have a hard time believing that there are very many completely evil people in the world. When someone is mocking you it can be harder to see the good in them, but I promise you it's there, and our lack of seeing it just underscores our own ignorance that provokes us to react with the same hate. If they say hurtful things about you because you are attracted to those of the same sex, I'm willing to bet they don't understand you at all. If you respond by saying they are a brainwashed, maniacal, fascist, racist, idiot, well... you probably don't understand them very well either! Be the bigger person by instead just keeping your smile on your face, love in your heart, and following Thumper's advice that "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say nuttin' at all [even though they said mean things about you]!" Turning the other cheek has become so rare in our society that when you do so, it is surprisingly disarming to your opponent. They are expecting you to fight back, and when you don't, it truly can cause them to rethink what they're doing and drive them to greater understanding and thus less ignorance and hate.

I love the passage I quoted above from Christ, speaking of the Great Commandments to love God and the love our neighbor as ourselves. In context of the story, we see the Master truly living this principle. As told in Matthew 22:35-39:

"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"

Throughout the whole chapter, the scribes, Pharisees, and Saducees had been trying to provoke Christ and bully him. They threw difficult questions at Him to try to discredit Him, usually interlaced with direct verbal affronts to His character. Yet, he doesn't respond to any of the questions in the chapter with the same biting contempt with which they ask. Instead, as this last question so clearly demonstrates, the answer he gives is LOVE.

To all my friends reading this post, whether you be Mormon, Muslim, straight, gay, atheist, male, female, black, white, tall, short, persecutor, persecuted, informed, ignorant, or anything else: We've all experienced hate born out of misunderstanding. We cannot fight ignorance with hate, nor hate with ignorance--for they are inseparable bed-fellow vices. We must respond instead with understanding and love. It worked for Christ; as verse 46 of the same chapter details, that as a result of his even-tempered and loving response, "no man did from that day forth ask him any more questions." Respond with love and the armies of hate will eventually give up. In the mean time, keep moving forward and don't listen to the mean things others say. No matter what others say about you, I love you and will always be your friend and someone you can talk to (email me at anothergaymormon@gmail.com). Hang in there! As a series of popular ads you are likely familiar with says, truly "It gets better."

Well, this may have been my first post on this subject specifically, but I can guarantee it won't be my last. Meanwhile, do you see any hate or ignorance around you that you'd like to combat? Feel free to pass this post along to others to help encourage understanding and love. Or better yet, add your own voice to the conversation! Be willing to stand up for love and help share this higher philosophy with the world.

My best,

Obadiah