The Paradox of Joy and Emotional Health (2 Nephi 2:25)

I knew that trying to begin blogging again as a full-time working husband and father of three with a heavy Church calling would be difficult and inconsistent. My summer was particularly busy, so my blogging fell by the wayside. But I haven’t given up and hope to still post a few more times this year.

I’m currently a facilitator for a weekly Emotional Resilience class offered through the Church’s self-reliance program. My wife and I took this class together in one of the first beta groups last year and got a lot of value out of it. In fact, it was one of the first catalysts in my taking the steps to move forward this year past many of the problems I’d been letting grow as outline in my posts earlier this year. In preparation for the class to begin, the bishopric in my ward asked my to speak in sacrament about mental and emotional health and to mention the class a resource for members. This blog post is adapted from the ideas I expressed in that talk. I don’t write down talks before I give them; I’ve found I give better talks when I just study the topic in depth and then speak by the Spirit, armed with some tabbed scriptures or quotes I know I’m likely to draw on. The advantage of writing this down on the blog is that I have more liberty to give the “director’s cut” without the time constraints of sacrament meeting, so I can share more.

I love studying paradoxes. Unraveling a surprising or difficult intentional contradiction is very satisfying. The scriptures are full of paradoxes, intentionally set up to make us think. An easy and well-known example of a scriptural paradox comes from the Sermon on the Mount when Christ counsels His followers to do good deeds “not… to be seen of men,” but rather “in secret” so that not even our other left hand will know what the right is doing (see Matthew 6:2-4). And yet, only a couple minutes earlier in the same discourse He told them let their light shine by acting so that men “may see your good works” (see Matthew 5:15-16). The key to this very blatant paradox is, of course, intent. He enjoins the shining of our light for the motive of glorifying the Father to lead others to them, while shunning the motive of doing so just to be seen ourselves.

A more complex scriptural paradox is wrapped up in a short but oft-quoted verse in the Book of Mormon. Second Nephi 2:25 states, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” This may not sound immediately like a paradox, but when we think about the two phrases independently, we realize how contradictory this statement can seem.

Let’s start with the first phrase, “Adam fell that men might be.” In many a Sunday School class I’ve heard discussion of this part of the verse focus on Adam and his choice in the garden of Eden. But while that is an important event worth studying, this verse isn’t actually about the man who fell, but about the fall itself. The fall did not just affect Adam and Eve. It affected the world itself and all of us who have come after them. We are all born into a fallen state in a fallen world. It is interesting that this lens reminds us that the fall was not a punishment because we know from other scriptures and notably the second Article of Faith that we are only punished for our own sins, and not Adam’s transgression. Therefore, any consequence of his choice that affects us is clearly not a punishment.

So, the fall is not a punishment; that’s great in theory, but it still can seem like one as we comprehend what the fall really IS. It was the introduction of nearly all forms of hardship into the world. It disrupted the peace of Eden with a natural world constantly at war or filled with dangers. Notably, it also meant a change to the physical bodies of mankind: we would now be prone to sickness, pain, and ultimately death. Adam fell to bring this state of affairs into the world, which was apparently necessary “that men might be.”

Let’s switch to the second clause now for a moment: “men are, that they might have joy.” I wish to clarify an occasional misconception often raised by this verse. It is not a “commandment to be happy.” It isn’t actually a commandment at all, but a statement of what we are working towards. When we interpret this as a commandment, we can draw dangerous conclusions. Notably, we may begin to believe that when we are not happy for any reason that it is because we have done something wrong or are somehow less worthy. God doesn’t have a vendetta against sadness or any other feeling. We know from countless scriptures that He feels those feelings too. In fact, we famously read that “Jesus wept” when he heard the news of Lazarus’ death, even though He already know he was going to raise Lazarus from the grave. So “having joy” does not preclude feeling a full range of emotion, because joy is not the same thing as happiness. I’ve come to understand joy in the scriptural sense as a state of spiritual and emotional completeness. It certainly contains great happiness, but also means we appropriately feel and can control all feelings rather than being controlled by them.

So herein lies the paradox. In light of our understanding of its phrases, we can restate the verse in a more verbose manner thus: In order for us to fulfill our purpose of obtaining joy, we had to pass from the paradisiacal Eden to the imperfect, pain-filled world of noxious weeds, thorns, and thistles, whilst inhabiting a fallen body subject to a profane, untamed natural man. We had to relinquish a seeming pinnacle of happiness in order to ultimately attain joy. We’ve already unraveled some of the paradox by better understanding what joy is—and that full completeness of spirit and emotion could not have been attained in the innocence of Eden.

Recognizing and then comprehending this paradox reveals some deep truths, specifically that out mortal trials are absolutely essential. So essential, in fact, that God would never do us the disservice of taking them all away from us, for in Eden we can’t find true joy. He does, however, help us learn to overcome of better carry those trials.

Specifically regarding the subject of emotional and mental health, the Lord, by way of the Fall, has given EVERYONE a challenge, though it is greater for some than others. The experience of emotion is a complicated dance between body and spirit which together constitute “the soul of man” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). We know enough from the relatively light scriptural insight into the pre-mortal realm to know that we experienced emotions of both happiness (see Job 38:7) and sadness (Isaiah 14:12) and assumedly other emotions as well with only spirit bodies. And yet, we also know that our bodies have built-in systems of hormones and receptors which regulate how we experience those emotions, using chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. This is an essential part of a physical body, intended to work in this manner to enhance how we experience and process our emotions and feelings in order to be more like God, who also has a physical body. However, it also means we can be vulnerable to being controlled by the natural man and vice versa.

Because of the conditions of the fall, these physical systems are imperfect and untamed, even when they are functioning completely “normal” from a medical perspective. The natural man has man has been “an enemy of God” since “the fall of Adam,” and it lives in every one of us (see Mosiah 3:19). We are prone to uncontrolled anger, fear, and other emotions that can cause us to act against God even if nothing is wrong with our physical systems for emotional processing. Of course, sometimes our physical systems can be compromised. This may be obvious in the case of a broken leg, but often less so in the case of a broken serotonin receptor. And because we sometimes believe in the nonexistent “commandment to be happy” we may be prone to treating a physical condition as if it is a sign of spiritual failing, which will definitely enhance depression rather than solve it.

We thus have two main reasons we may face emotional or mental instability in this life at different times:

1.       The natural man not being made to “yield.” This will be experienced by EVERYONE at different points during their life.

2.       Actual physical problems affecting the emotional processing systems in our bodies, which will affect some people but not everyone.

There are a variety of options to address both of the above root causes. Sadly I’ve seen sometimes in the Church a strong cultural resistance to therapy or medical solutions, even to the second cause. If you broke a bone, nobody would find it unacceptable to go to the doctor and seek help. But for some reason getting help for our emotional systems, some of which may on occasion be only reparable with medication, is seen as taboo. There is a tendency to think a cast for broken bones but prayers for broken feelings. This makes no sense, and according to Brigham Young, it’s also poor doctrine. People would often come to him seeking a blessing for various ailments and he would always first ask if they’d seen a doctor for the problem. If they answered “no” because they simply wanted to be healed by faith, then he would refrain from giving them a blessing, stating, “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.”

I’ve learned a lot this year about the importance of mental and emotional health and the healing journey has been remarkable. I’ve begun experiencing greater measures of joy as I’ve attended therapy and gotten help. It has strengthened me spiritually. I know that God truly desires to give us, as he states in Second Timothy 2:7, “power, love, and a sound mind.” We do that by working through and learning from our trials rather than asking them to be taken away from us. Remember, Adam gave up Eden so that you could have your trials! And with those trials we can ultimately cause that natural man to “become a saint” and find our fulness of joy.

I hope that if you are experiencing an emotional or mental health challenge, whether caused by spiritual or physical problems, that you are also able to seek and get the help you need. There are some great resources in the Emotional Resilience class materials the Church has produced, which you can access by following the link below. From there, you can download the PDF to get the manual; it also contains links to all the videos used in the course.

Emotional Resilience (churchofjesuschrist.org)

Help Thou Mine Unbelief (Mark 9:24)

Nearly twelve years ago, shortly after I returned home from my mission, I moved in with my grandmother to provide some live-in caregiving and have a free place to stay as I prepared to start attending BYU. She loved to watch movies in the evenings and I did a lot of catching up on movies I’d missed while on my mission while I was there. One evening my uncle stopped by with a movie I had not heard and he insisted we needed to watch it. The film was “Doubt” starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the story of a nun (played by Streep) who suspects that the new Father in their parish (Hoffman) is sexually abusing some of the altar boys. In the end she fights to get him reassigned based entirely on her conviction and circumstantial evidence. At the end she delivers a heart-wrenching monologue to another nun (Amy Adams) questioning whether she’s done the right thing and sobs that she has “such doubts.” The film notably does not ever really let you know whether he was in fact guilty, because that wasn’t the point. The point of the story was a woman’s efforts to act with conviction to do what she truly believed was right in the face of doubt. It was for me a poignant film that spoke highly to one of my great struggles: that of doubt.

Back in February when I was disclosing my transgressions of the last few years to my Bishop, he said something that resonated deeply with me. He explained that just as I should always expect the possibility that I will be attracted to men my whole life, I will similarly always experience the trial of doubt, and will have to navigate that trial and make choices despite the pressure of that trial. This was actually very eye-opening to me and immediately struck me as true. It’s interesting that I have settled to a point of calm with my attraction to men for nearly a decade now. But I have never thought of doubt in that same way as something I will simply continue to experience and need to plan for the long haul. And yes, I know some of you are thinking that if I really was at peace with my attractions, why did I do the things I did these last few years? But truthfully, my actions weren’t because of my attractions; sure, those influenced the flavor, so to speak, of the transgressions, but the choices themselves were more a crisis of both unresolved trauma requiring therapy and of a crisis of faith caused by unchecked doubt.

Two posts ago I explained a lot more of the details of my various transgressions over the last few years, and explained how I came to understand what the scriptures refer to as being a “double-minded man.” After explaining at length in that post what that means, I wanted to follow-up and counter with what it isn’t. Being double-minded doesn’t mean having conflicting feelings, thoughts, inclinations, or temptations. Double-minded is when we actively try to live both of those things or try to give place for both sides. In fact, only minutes after publishing that post in late March, I read this quote from an excellent interview with three historians on the Joseph Smith Papers Project, regarding those who struggle with questions:

A friend of mine gave this advice. If you have two beliefs in your mind that appear to be contradictory, you can allow them to coexist. For example, you may have a spiritual witness of the Book of Mormon that led you to become converted to the church, and at the same time you may have questions or doubts about some aspect of church history. It is totally compatible to have a testimony of the gospel and the Restoration while having questions or confusion about some aspects of the history. Questions and doubts are natural. Turn to the Lord in humility and be patient as you wait for his help and his answers. Seek, seek, seek, and wait, wait, wait for answers. Don’t stop doing the spiritual things while you are seeking and waiting. Sometimes the answer is to be at peace with something even though you don’t understand it. The answers and comfort and peace you seek will come, and they will come through the Spirit. I know many people whose testimonies became stronger after periods of doubt and uncertainty.

Note that second sentence. You CAN have two contradictory beliefs without resolution and I don’t think this makes you “double-minded” in the sense I was describing. Once again, double-mindedness occurs when we try to ACT in contradictory ways and live two conflicting realities—a way of living I became quite familiar with.

I have for years carried great guilt and shame for my doubts. I now realize that my doubts are no more reason for guilt or shame than my attraction to men, my love for chocolate, or my penchant for music by Rachmaninoff. These are all things I experience, and they CAN influence my decision-making, some for better, some for worse, and some for neutral. But it’s the choices that matter. I gave a lot of place to grow and entertain and act upon my doubts. That was my choice, and I am responsible for those choices. But having doubt is simply part of my nature.

I think some confusion on this matter comes from how some scriptures are worded, which may require a distinguishing of how the same terminology can be meant in different ways. For example, Doctrine & Covenants 6:36 says, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” We are here commanded not to doubt, which can certainly lead to feelings of shame or guilt when we inevitably experience doubts. But I think this scripture, like any scripture that is commandment, is still speaking only to our choices. Maybe I’m pulling at semantic straws here, but I think there is big difference between experiencing doubt and choosing actively to doubt. And I’m kind of an authority on the subject because I’ve experienced a lot of both! I don’t think the Lord condemns us for our doubts, but He may chasten us for what we choose to do with them. We can choose to reach to Him when we doubt. Two stories from the New Testament illustrate this principle well.

In Mark chapter nine, we read of a desperate father with a child overcome with “a dumb spirit” and seemingly from the description, perhaps several medical maladies of various sorts. He loves his son and has tried many things to help him for years. In desperation he has already come to the disciples, who have been unsuccessful in helping him. He now has come directly to Jesus to petition for relief. Christ counsels him in verse 23, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” Without hesitation (“straightaway” in the scriptural parlance) the father in verse 24 “cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” The Lord then heals the man’s son. The man in the story acknowledged his doubts. But he has clearly acted in faith, trying repeatedly for years to seek healing for his son. He has held onto his faith after repeatedly pleading and seeing no miracles yet through all that time. When even the Savior’s disciples, who by then already had their own reputations as miracle-workers, could also not cure him, he had every reason to give into those doubts. But he acted in faith. He cried out, with tears, for the Lord to bless him for whatever faith he could muster and fill in the gaps where his faith fell short. And the Lord blessed him for acting in faith rather than rebuking him for experiencing doubt.

On another particularly famous occasion, as recorded in Matthew chapter fourteen, Christ’s apostles are struggling in a boat without him amidst a storm. They’ve already seen him calm a storm previously, but now they are without him as they cross the sea of Galilee and fear for their lives. Just then they see him, miraculously, walking across the water towards them. His bold chief apostle Peter immediately asks permission to do the same. As we know, he walks a few steps and then, seeing the “boisterous wind” begins to sink in his fear. He immediately cries out for the Lord to save him, and the Lord does so. When I hear people recount this story a lot of emphasis is often placed on Peter’s doubt, as if to hold him up as a bad example of faith. But I would ask, how many other disciples even got out of the boat? Peter’s faith let him walk on water. He DID doubt, but even when he did, his immediate response was to call out to the Lord for help. What a wonderful example and spiritual victory! The point of the story, to me, is not that Peter doubted, but that he acted in faith and when confronted with doubt, he called on the Lord for help. We will all experience doubt, and when we call on the Lord to help us amidst those doubts, he will do so instead of letting us drown because we doubted.

Interestingly, and as an echo to the counsel my bishop gave me, it seems Peter continued to struggle with doubt his whole life as well. There are several instances which show glimpses of that doubt during the Savior’s ministry, but even long after when Peter has been leading the Church for a decade, we read in Acts 10:17 that Peter continued to face doubts, even in the moments after receiving glorious visions from on high. Peter was a man who faced doubts and acted in faith and it seems abundantly clear that the Lord is very pleased with his ministry and the bold acts of faith he made despite being someone who chronically experienced doubt. His sometimes-great doubts coexisted with his faith—a faith mighty enough to walk on water. I experience the comingling of doubt and faith every day.

So, having established that the experience of doubt does not condemn us, we turn now to the choices which can. May I offer some terminology to clarify this distinction? The doubt in these two stories I would term passive doubt: a condition which we deal with wherein we naturally will experience doubt while in mortality, and which may coexist with mighty faith. A second term would be active doubt: when we choose to act in doubt rather than acting in faith. This can be in subtle ways we entertain those doubts and begin spending time trying to align our beliefs more with our doubts than our faith. In can be in more flagrant ways, such as using our doubts as justification for our behaviors of unfaithfulness to our spouse. This is the form of doubt which we are counseled against when told to “doubt not, fear not.”

While studying references related to doubt, I was initially surprised to see a passage I’ve actually considered to be a hallmark scripture on faith listed in the Topical Guide under “Doubt.” In fact, I referenced this scripture in my last post to demonstrate how the scriptures build faith. But, sure enough, there is in the middle of the verse, a warning about active doubt. The verse is Alma 32:28, which reads (with my emphasis):

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

In the middle we see a caution to not cast the seed out because of our unbelief or doubt. In doing so we “resist” the Lord. He sends us His Spirit and the scriptures to entice us towards doing what is right. Active doubt tries to build a defense system against those spiritual pulls. Sometimes we WANT our doubts to win, so that we don’t have to accept the harder parts of the gospel. I certainly have been there. And of course, the sad result of doing so is missing out on the “delicious” fruit of the gospel which grows when we act in faith instead, even if the best we can do to act in faith is to cry out for help when the doubt seems too great, even as Peter and the afflicted boy’s father did.

Active doubt is, of course, self-sustaining. When we act in doubt, we breed greater doubt. And acting against the commandments naturally breeds doubt as our brains have to grab a life raft of justification to keep from being crushed under a blanket of cognitive dissonance. The Lord warns us of this in Deuteronomy, a book which serves as the Lord’s ancient dissertation on faithfulness to covenant life. In chapter 28 we are warned of the effects and natural consequences of sin. Among those consequences, we are warned in verse 66 that our lives will “hang in doubt” when we turn away from the Lord. So active doubt breeds sin breeds more doubt.

The great turning point of regaining my testimony this year after years of repeating that cycle of active doubt began when in desperation I prayed privately for the Lord to help me feel my faith, or in other words, to help me in mine unbelief. Reflecting back on this consequential prayer I offered five months ago, I note that I did not find myself praying for relief from sexual addiction or temptation. I was praying for faith amidst doubt and to feel the influence of the Spirit which I had cast out and resisted, and that is what helped everything start to turn for me. I still experience doubts. Some days they are small and some days they seem mighty and overwhelming. But I am choosing faith, because I also experience faith. Some days it seems small and some days it feels mighty and empowering. But I’m learning to not condemn myself for the current status of my mix of faith and passive doubt. I am choosing to act in faith and leave active doubt behind, and it has begun to be delicious to me. I feel the Lord offering the miracle of spiritual healing and pulling me from the depths of the sea before I drown. And those witnesses are building my faith. The overall trajectory is upwards, even if there is some oscillation along the way. And I have hope that through Christ I will continue to conquer my doubts through controlling them, even if I recognize that they will be with me for the long run.

--Obadiah

Sword and Lamp, Bread and Rain, Rod and Seed (D&C 14:2)

In the descriptive paragraph atop this blog, I define it as the story of my relationship with the scriptures. As I’ve been tracing “what went wrong” (see the last two posts if you haven’t already) in recent years, one of the clearest causes I’ve identified was letting my personal scripture study fall by the wayside. One of the great joys of my repentance has been a new courtship with the scriptures, and so far, we’ve had some really great dates!

I’ve tried hard to study the weekly “Come,Follow Me” chapters each week, as well as some conference talks and personal topical study. The first week I started really re-committing to a never-miss-a-day habit of scripture study back in February, the “Come, Follow Me” chapters for the week included Doctrine and Covenants 14, and a study activity in that week’s personal study outline included a list of cross references for verse 2, which compares the scriptures to a sword. Each cross reference lists another metaphor for the scriptures. It was a delightfully appropriate thing to focus on as I rebooted my scripture study habit and explored how I want to use the scriptures going forward. I’d like to share some of the insights I gained from that activity.

The initial verse the activity references from the reading block, as mentioned, is Doctrine and Covenants 14:2, which says:

Behold, I am God; give heed to my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my word.

This initial metaphor makes the scriptures sound almost menacing at a first glance. But looking at each descriptive word used here, I think we see a different message:

• The Word is QUICK: It creates change, and does so rapidly, as soon as we humbly receive it. I’ve distinctly noticed a rapid, incredible change in my life over the last two months as I’ve re-immersed myself in the scriptures each day. 
• The Word is POWERFUL: It facilitates MIGHTY change. In other passages the Lord specifically points to the scriptures as one of the great conduits to unlock the blessings of the Atonement in our lives. How much more powerful could it get than that?
• The Word is SHARP: Like a sword diving joints and marrow, the scriptures divide between good and evil. It can be painful to receive the truths when they cause us discomfort! It is not something to be taken lightly.

The Word as a Sword is not meant as a threat—though it contains a warning to give respect. It is a reminder of the immense power of the scriptures to change our lives if we allow it to pierce our hearts.

Following is a collection of the additional insights I gained about the scriptures by reading the other references in the “Come, Follow Me” activity:

Psalm 119:105 reads:

                Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

A favorite religion professor at BYU used to tell me, “A psalm a day keeps the devil away, so if every day you read a psalm while eating an apple, you can go all day without seeing any doctors or lawyers!” All joking aside, the psalms truly are beautiful and number 119 is one of the greatest (as a child randomly perusing the scriptures during sacrament meetings, I loved looking through that one just because it has the letters of the Hebrew alphabet listed throughout, and I thought they looked cool).

I love the imagery in this line. The Word is a lamp to our FEET. It is a guidance system, showing us which way to walk. It often isn’t going to show us everything—just enough to help us move forward a bit in the right direction. Sometimes we may be left a little confused because we don’t have enough light to see the whole journey.

Isaiah 55:10-11 reads:

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Matthew 4:4 reads:

But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

These two passages both speak of God’s Word as nourishment. Isaiah compares it to rain that nourishes the land, while the passage from Matthew compares it to bread that nourishes the body. Isaiah’s comparison mentions that God expects a return on His investment when He sends the rain, and so with us and the scriptures. He sends them to grow our souls. We recently had a Family Night lesson with our children where we compared our testimonies to plants. We don’t have a particularly great track record with house plants, and some of them often look pretty scraggly. But some are very resilient, and even if pieces of them die, they can usually be nourished back to health. The longer we go without adding the water of God’s word consistently to our testimonies, the weaker they get. But as soon as we begin watering again, we revive and nourish the plant.

The bread analogy also in instructive in its phrasing, that by the Word of God we LIVE. Our whole lives our made better by studying the scriptures. It doesn’t just nourish our testimonies. Our marriage, our self-worth, even our skills and talents can all be improved upon when we take time each day to feast upon the Bread of Life.

First Nephi 15:23-24 reads:

And they said unto me: What meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?

And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.

Alma 32:28 reads:

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

Here we see two particularly famous analogies from the Book of Mormon. In the first, perhaps the most famous comparison in Latter-day Saint theology, we have a comparison reminiscent of the lamp in Psalm 119: it is a guidance system, but not one which shows us the entire path, just enough for us to rely on one step at a time. Much has been spoken previously and talks have been given about the differences in results for those who never grabbed the rod, versus those who merely were “clinging” to the rod, versus those who were “continually holding fast.” I have seen that difference keenly in recent years. I’ve seen how reading your scriptures is better than not reading, but better still is studying them. The difference is a matter of intent, of effort, and perhaps approach.

The second analogy here, from Alma, connects to the earlier nourishment analogies, but here the formula is flipped: the Word is the seed and WE have to nourish it to let it grow within us. And of course we see and feel the true growth of ourselves as we do. But, like the rod analogy, there is a suggestion here of effort needed. As a poor graveyard of dead houseplants that have entered the doors of our home can testify, plants need constant care, not just casual appreciation.

If you are looking to increase your scripture study, the best advice I can possibly give is to keep a study journal. A wise seminary teacher told me, “your pen is your lightning rod for inspiration!” I have found this to be remarkably true. When I approach the scriptures with journal and pen in hand and write the date at the top before I begin, it’s like I’m telling the Lord, “I am read to receive, so please send me something!” I then just start writing down my reactions to what I’m reading and sometimes learn a lot more that way. On occasion, I even find this is the best way to unlock spiritual moments of true revelation while studying. Deep moments like that won’t happen every time you study with a journal, but I’ve rarely ever had them happen without.

I’m happy to say that for two months as of today I haven’t missed a day of at least reading the scriptures, and most of those days it has been real studying. That’s the longest streak I’ve had in years, and so far just in these two months I’ve seen incredible healing, on par with that received through therapy, connection, and other parts of my repentance process. And, of course, that makes sense: the scriptures are a direct conduit to the power of the Atonement with its transformative power.

Telling My Parents (D&C 3:1)

John Steinbeck got the title for his book Of Mice and Men from a poem by Robert Burns. Many people think that it suggests the contrast between the strong and the weak of character. The meaning of the book and the context of the poem suggest otherwise. The lines from the poem say:

The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
(The word "schemes" is often misquoted as "plans").

The poem and the book are both thematically sobering, presenting a pessimistic message that no matter how hard we try, we can't have our dreams. That all our plans will always fall through and we just have to suffer through it. And yet there have been times in my life that I've realized that while the two lines quoted above are often true, they aren't always bad. You see, this last weekend I told my parents about my attraction to men. It didn't go in any way according to plan. It went so much better. Let me tell you the story of my Christmas miracle.

So, for weeks while lying in bed at night as an insomniac I've role-played telling my parents a thousand different ways. There were so many different ways I thought of, but here were the common denominators in all my hypothetical scenarios that I was sure of:

*I would tell them together.
*We would talk when other siblings weren't even in the home and I could be completely private.
*I would wait until after Christmas entirely, so as to not detract from the holiday.

Well, read carefully to see how many of those "best laid plans" came to pass:

On Christmas Eve I was in the kitchen helping my mother prepare a turkey dinner. Everyone else was in the living room watching a movie. She knew something was on my mind. I told her we'd talk about it later. She then looked me in the eyes and asked if I was having same-gender attraction issues. I immediately realized that my best laid plans had begun to fall through. We talked very briefly and hushed so that others wouldn't hear. I assured her that I was temple worthy and always would be. I asked her if she had long suspected it and if that's why she asked. She replied that she had never had that thought before actually. (That was reassuring. I constantly worry about people discovering my secret.) I guess I don't know entirely why she asked. My mom has always been rather perceptive though, and it shouldn't really have surprised me. She always has known when something is wrong with me emotionally, scholastically, even financially. I don't need to delve into every detail here, but she said one thing that was very interesting. She mentioned that since my birth she always knew that I would be given unique trials, and now she knew what that meant. My mom had no problem with it. I knew she wouldn't. She was sad for me, but had no worries. I explained that she couldn't talk to dad--I needed to do that myself. I also explained that I'd already told by older brother before I came out for Christmas, but that I didn't want any of my other siblings to know. She agreed with me and my reasons for wanting that before I even told her that.

Given the time and place our conversation wasn't very long. It couldn't be. I felt bad knowing that she inevitably had lots of questions we just couldn't talk about right away. What about the girlfriends I've had? How do I plan on finding a wife? Who have I told? So many questions. Feeling bad for her, that night I slipped her a note with my blog address, explaining simply that she could find answers to lots of her questions there. She read all the November and the first few December posts that night.

Obviously at this point my paradigm of telling my parents had been quite disrupted. But the job was only half done and my mind began redefining what it would do next. I quickly decided that perhaps the best way to proceed was to tell my father one-on-one, just as I had with my mother. In fact, suddenly this seemed like a better way of doing things than my original plan had been. I also knew that my mom was hoping I'd choose sooner rather than later, since she couldn't talk with him until I did first. Yesterday, at the end of Christmas night, we knelt down for family prayer. My Dad said it, and before he did he mentioned that while our Christmas had been much smaller than usual due to bad financial times, the greatest gifts the he hoped we knew we received from them were those of love and testimony. My Dad always goes up to bed first and reads for a while every night. When he made that last statement before heading upstairs, my heart felt his words almost like an invitation to follow him up and speak with him. I paced in the hallway in thought/prayer for a couple minutes first. I had rehearsed many times a million ways to begin the conversation. With my mom I hadn't had to because SHE did. Now, though, it would be in my hands. All the sentences I'd previously imagined instantly evaporated and I knew what I needed to say. It was a new approach I'd never thought of and which I couldn't have really used if I had told my parents together. And so I knocked on the door.

The first 30 seconds in my Dad's room were 30 of the hardest seconds of my life. Many people with SSA often discuss strained childhood relatonships wth their fathers as related to the root "nurture" causes of their SSA. Some others I've communicated with personally see this as a significant factor. I don't actually believe that to be the case for me personally. I think I've always had a good relationship with my father. Nonetheless, a man's father is a significant figure in his life. Fathers are their sons' measure of manhood. Though I've done a lot in the last month to overcome feelings of shame associated with my SSA tendencies, telling my father was still incredibly difficult. The conversation was beautiful. I'm not going to put too many of the details here. I could tell it surprised him a little bit, but nonetheless, I have rarely felt as loved as I did for those twenty minutes.

Well, if you go back to compare my list above of details I planned on for telling my parents, you'll quickly find that none of my best laid plans came to pass. And yet I've had beautiful moments of connection with my parents. In fact, things went better than the hypotheticals I've been playing in my head for a month now. There's a rather common Jewish proverb which says, "Man plans, God laughs." Once again, as with the poetry quoted at the beginning of this post, this could be negative, but it really can have such positive explanations. After all, among the scariest verses in scripture are those wherein God gets fed up with people and leaves them to their own designs. Things don't typically work out very well when that happens. Sometimes, when our plans fall through it is because God has better ideas for us and HASN'T abandoned us. If we can trust Him, we soon learn that this is a good thing, because we've been told about His plans in Doctrine and Covenants 3:1 the following:

The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught.

So indeed, while the best laid plans of mice and men often go askew, those of God cannot be defeated. When those plans are for us, the only thing that can stand in front of their fulfillment is ourselves. I'm so grateful that God loves me enough to have had better plans for me this weekend. And I love my parents. They are fantastic people, who I know have always kept my happiness and that of my siblings at the forefront of their own plans and have trusted the plans of God to help see that goal fulfilled.

I cannot universally recommend telling your parents if you or a friend experiences SSA. I think in nearly every case it probably is more helpful than anything else. However, all circumstances will be unique. I've been blessed with very loving and understanding parents. Not all parents are that way. If yours aren't that doesn't mean they aren't good people though. But you need to love them either way.

I hope you've all had a very merry Christmas.

My best,

Obadiah

True Love (D&C 42:22)

This is a topic I've needed to address, and haven't been sure how. Thankfully, I've been given a fantastic prod by a reader who posed a question in the comments to my last post. Here's part of her comment that I feel brings up really important points I need to address:

"I am not Mormon; I am not gay; I am not male. (I am a 45-year old, straight, heterosexual woman). However, I stumbled upon your blog. I respect people's beliefs. I would like to pose a question to you, and it is based on the experience a friend of mine recently had: when you find the woman you decide to marry, how will you justify living a lie with her (to yourself, to God)? Or, even if you find someone and choose to be honest with, how can you tell her she will never be your true love?"

I am so grateful to this reader for bringing up these issues and in a way forcing me to address them. (By the way, I just have to add the following about the author of this comment: If you read her full comment on my last post you'll further appreciate her respect for other people and other faiths. You can't know how much it touches me to see others compassionate towards my FAITH. Most people not of the Church have a very hard time appreciating or understanding my choice to stick with my faith despite my attractions to men. From this wonderful woman I felt respect for my decisions and I thank her deeply for that.) So, on to the questions raised...

I think the first thing that stands out to me is the last two words: "true love." I don't believe in the concept of a soul-mate, or of a single individual being the only one we can truly be happy with. I love Disney movies that portray a beautiful princess and handsome prince who seem destined for each other and none other, but I don't believe that's how it works in real life. Honestly, this world is filled with 7 Billion fantastic people, and though I know I'm not compatible with all 7 Billion of them, there are certainly many individuals--male and female--who I could connect with emotionally, intellectually, socially, spiritually, and physically and be incredibly happy with in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. My attraction patterns make the demographics of that potential good-match pool predominantly male, but I am certain it is not exclusively so.

I'm sure that a huge portion of my likely audience is familiar with the studies of American Scientist Alfred Kinsey in the 1940's into human sexuality. He is most famous for his studies of homosexuality, and was truly the first pioneer scientist to research the topic in great depth. He is extremely controversial and I don't necessarily agree with everything he said, or with all his methodologies, but I actually think his fundamental thesis on sexual attraction was spot-on and resonates as truth to me. For those of you unfamiliar with his studies, Kinsey developed a scale of homosexual attraction from 0 to 6. A 0 means you are 100% straight--absolutely attracted exclusively to the opposite gender and have never in your life felt an incling of attraction for the same gender. A 6 denotes the opposite end of the spectrum--absolute attraction exclusively to the same gender without any inclings of attraction for the opposite. A 3 can denote either perfectly balanced bisexuality or even asexuality--either way, your levels and frequency of attraction for either gender are equal in strength. What Kinsey ultimately concluded after decades of study is that deep, deep down in our sub-subconscious or whatever, we are all basically bisexual, but a series of factors, whether biological or environmental (the nature vs. nurture discussion) cause most of us to lean to one side or the other. Yet, he believe that a true 0 or 6 was actually very, very hard to find--if it even existed at all. Sure, there are lots of 1's and 5's, and even 0.1's and 5.9's but the enormous majority of those he tested, at least once in their lives, would find some sort of "exception case" to their typical patterns of attraction, because we are deep down all bisexual and the hormones or neural firings related to attraction could potentially be caused in certain cases to fire off unusually for the something out of the norm to our typical patterns. If you are a heterosexual reading this, though you'll probably never say it out loud I'll bet that if you think about it you may think of an instance in your life (often during teenage years) that you felt even kind of attracted to at least one individual of your same gender. This may have even made you very uncomfortable or confused, and you may have fought very hard to repress it, but you're actually quite normal and it doesn't even mean you necessarily have any SSA proclivities at all. It just means you might be a 0.1 instead of a 0.

Anyway, what did that long scientific tangent have to do with the topic at hand? Well, let me return to my thoughts on compatible matches for a happy relationship. Like I said, the majority of people in my pool of possibilities are men. I mentioned that compatability is centered on a variety of dimensions (I'd love to explore that concept more in-depth in a future post). I think Kinsey's studies primarily apply to that physical dimension, and secondarily to the emotional dimension, though certainly with some ties to the others as well. Looking at my life, thinking about my own attraction patterns, I think I'm about a Kinsey 5.8 if we limit the definition primarily to just the physical and emotional dimensions of attraction. I would be absolutely lying to say I've never felt and physical/emotional attraction to a girl, but I'd also be lying if I said that those happen frequently or with the same strength of attraction I feel for men. There are really 3 girls in my life I've felt more than a weak and fleeting attraction for--one in junior high, one in high school, and one actually quite recently in college (once again--lots here for future posts). The fact is, there ARE girls in my pool of potential candidates, but they are outnumbered by 100:1, or maybe even 10000:1 by men.

So far I've not done the best job of answering my anonymous reader's questions. Forgive me, but I felt like all of that was necessary preface material to understanding my response, because they give you insight into my mentality and the lenses through which I view the world (we all wear lenses, by the way). So, there are really two questions posed. Let me take each one idividually:

1. When you find the woman you decide to marry, how will you justify living a lie with her (to yourself, to God)?

I will not, cannot live a lie--to myself, to God, perhaps especially to my future wife. I've done the whole living a lie to myself thing, and have learned (as I've commented in earlier posts) that the truth truly sets us free. I don't have to tell everyone about my feelings and attractions, though I'm done lying about it too. I could NEVER get married without letting her know about being attracted primarily to men. Indeed, much of this blog is perhaps intended for her sake, whoever she is, to be able to read more about who I am. [I just had the most beautiful, forward-pointing deja-vu-like experience imagining my one-day fiancé reading this post. Dear fiancé: I love you, whoever you are!] I also adamantly believe that nobody with SSA should ever marry someone of the opposite gender WITHOUT telling them beforehand. She has a right to know before she agrees to marry you many key fundamental dimensions of your personality, including (but definitely not limited to) your attraction patterns! If she doesn't find out until after the wedding, you are setting up a recipe for feelings of betrayal and deception on her part. If you truly love her, you would never want to do that to her. (As a humorous side note, it seems like having her know could be a lot of fun, because then you could discuss together which actors are hot and which aren't--just kidding... kind of.) In short, I COULDN'T justify living a lie, as your question asks, and hope that nobody ever does. Truth sets us free and honesty will always be the best policy.

 2. Even if you find someone and choose to be honest with [her], how can you tell her she will never be your true love?"

This is where we have to return to what I posed earlier about true love--that it isn't a fairy tale thing between 2 exclusively destined individuals. When we see true love that way, we tend to think of it as a noun phrase--i.e., he or she is my true love. I rather like to think of it as a verb--i.e. I truly love him or her. While romantic love has relation to delicate matters of attraction beyond our control, ultimately the love itself is a verb--something we DO and CHOOSE--not merely a noun describing something that happens to us. To render true love means to offer absolute commitment for an individual. There are many forms of love and not all are romantically founded, and so that definition applies to the relationship we should try to cultivate with all people, but adding a romantic dimension merely magnifies the principle. To truly love, we give ourselves completely to someone else and make their interests the key driving force of our own. We strive to strengthen our ties of attraction in ALL its dimensions. For me, I meet plenty of girls who I connect with intellectually and spiritually. I even connect from time to time on the emotional level, and on rare occasions even the physical dimension. To truly love a girl romantically, I need all of those dimensions to line up. It is okay if some dimensions are a stronger attraction than others (spiritual tends to matter most to me), but I won't marry a girl I have absolutely no physical attraction for. That means I may have to be patient, because I don't meet girls like that very often. However, it has happened, even if relationships didn't work out. I am filled with hope that I'll find one of those girls and both of us will not just "fall" in love (experience those initial pulls of attraction), but rather CHOOSE true, lasting love for each other.

So, my anonymous friend, I hope that makes sense. Your questions were very important. I have seen far too many stories of marriages painfully breaking up because the one experiencing SSA did not consider those factors in advance. I don't want to break any hearts. That may mean patience, but I'm willing to wait. I know that you said you were not a Mormon, but I'd like to introduce you to a scripture from the LDS canon which summarizes my thoughts on the true love of a spouse ever so beautifully. From 42:22 of the Doctrine and Covenants (a collection of inspired writings from modern prophets) we read the following beautiful passage:

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else."

I may be predominantly attracted to men my whole life, but there are girls out there compatible with me, and when I find one, I will give her all my heart, and cleave unto her and none else. Men who are predominantly attracted to other women are able to control and ignore their attractions to other girls to fulfill this command and experience its blessings, so why can't I? I won't lie to her, and I will wait until I find a girl I'm attracted to who loves me also, but when it happens, I am ready to offer her true love.

My best,

Obadiah


P.S. Sorry for the funky formatting issues going on with this post. Blogger won't do what I tell it to. Curse you, blogger! :(

A Coping Strategy: D&C 58:27-28

Not long before I served my mission, the mission where I served had a binder of specific mission-rules beyond those in the white handbook. This is actually pretty common I've heard. However, shortly before I got to my mission my mission president arrived and made a number of changes, including doing away with the binder of other rules. In that way, he gave the mission a "longer leash" be leaving their obedience up to the handbook, Preach My Gospel, and the Spirit. You would think that this would lead to more disobedience problems, as a longer rope also makes it easier to hang yourself. While a few missionaries maybe took that route, the majority actually IMPROVED their obedience, because my mission president did something else as well. He very rarely pounded on rules. We knew that the expectation of obedience was a given that shouldn't need constant reminding. As he put it, he wasn't there to play babysitter. He was there to help people find salvation. So, what he did instead of emphasizing obedience was emphasizing work ethic. He taught us to work like crazy and we did. It was hard, but so rewarding and caused miracles across the mission. By focusing on work ethic, obedience actually fixed itself. You see, we simply didn't have time to get into trouble! If you are too busy doing good things, there is no time left for sin. That's why a great way to solve problems with sins of commission is to focus on solving your sins of omission.

Quite appropriately, the scripture I chose for my missionary plaque (before I'd even left) was D&C 58:27-28, which says:

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

This has proved throughout my life to be one of the best coping strategies for temptation. I've mentioned in another post that I suffer from a chronic form of insomnia and how prone that can make a person to temptations. It is a really bad idea to be awake all alone in the middle of the night in a world with so many ready temptations as ours. So, fill your life with good causes in which you are anxiously engaged. If you actually have time to look at pornography or masturbate, you could probably use another commitment to keep you busy. Add another class for fun to expand your mind in a wholesome subject. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Volunteer with a non-profit. Get a second job. Visit friends in need of help or fellowship.

Now, be careful not to spread yourself to thin of course, but you'd be surprised how much you can get done in a day! (Of course you can do even more if you don't sleep, but if you're not like me I don't recommend trying that). I also offer this warning: being busy can become addictive! I am absolutely addicted to being busy. I'm involved in tons of classes, organizations, etc. but I love every one of them and have found many opportunities to help others and bless the world through the causes I've embraced. I just sometimes need to learn when NOT to take another commitment on. Just follow the Spirit though and He'll let you know where you can be a positive force for good. When I felt prompted to start this blog I told God that there's no way I'd ever have time to work on it. He told me to try it and see. I've actually gotten more caught up on homework and other commitments SINCE I started it than I've been in weeks! God's tricky like that sometimes. Only He can throw you a new commitment and then help you come out feeling like you have MORE time than you did before! Thus does He bless those who take the time to seek out good causes and ask Him if they should proceed and then respond quickly. If not, then we become like those described in the next verse in the Doctrine and Covenants. Here's verse 29:

"But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned."

Eek. Now, bare in mind that "damned" means a halt in progression. If you want to move forward out of sin, or simply forward in righteousness, you need to be proactive in good causes. If you hesitate to take what the Lord gives you, you are't able to move forward, and in that way you are damned. We are all probably somewhere between the two: between slothfulness and anxious engagement; between damnation and salvation. The good news is, as long as we are trying and moving forward--even if it seems like a slow progress despite all our efforts--we've been promised a happy ending! Don't spend a minute fretting over the "damned" part. Fill that minute instead with a worthy cause, and you won't need to worry about it anyway! :) There are many blessings waiting to be discovered along the way as you do so.

My best,

Obadiah