Okay, it's about time I write a post on a really important subject: the conundrum of bullying and judging. As a member of the LDS Church, I am well-acquainted with being the recipient of hate and persecution. As a man who is physically attracted to other men, I am also keenly aware of further judgment and bullying. In fact, being both puts me in an interesting position to be hated from pretty much all directions! :)
Great sadnesses of my life: when those of other faiths bitterly degrade and attack my own; when members of my faith treat others negatively because their lifestyle or even merely their attractions are not the same as their own; when people of any age or background bully or humiliate an openly gay person in their community or school. Whenever I read stories of another gay teen suicide my heart absolutely breaks. Honestly, I'm an optimistic enough person to believe that the majority of you reading this post are equally saddened by basically everything in his paragraph so far. Now here's another sadness of my life: when the persecuted throw judgment and hate at those who persecute them.
It's easy to not be so saddened by hate flung back by the persecuted because it's easy to see their rage as basically "justified." And maybe to a degree it is. Nonetheless, we can't be satisfied with ANY forms of hate. The great irony of the man who cries, "They're all just judging me all the time!" is that he is in fact judging everyone else in return. Very likely, they weren't ALL judging him, and certainly not ALL the time, but when we are the recipients of hate, it becomes easy to hold onto the hate thrown at us and use it as our defense. I recommend a more Christian alternative: "Love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matt. 22:39).
Loving those who throw verbal (or literal) stones at us is not easy, but it is essential. I've always thought the metaphor of "fighting fire with fire" rather ridiculous. Do firemen save a building by spreading more fire? No, of course not! They stop fires with water or flame-retardant chemicals. Adding more fire just complicates the problem. Likewise, fighting hate with hate simply doesn't work and just burns all the parties more in the end. We must use the cooling waters of love to respond to those who hate us. Once again, it isn't easy amidst the heat of an attack against your faith, your life, your emotions, etc. to respond to the perceived monsters tormenting us with love--but if we don't, we each become just as much a monster. As a friend of mine recently shared, "If you can't get along with someone, one of you isn't going to the Celestial Kingdom." Yes, it's hard! The right choice usually is the harder one, and it always takes great courage to rush into a burning building with the hose, regardless of how thick your fire suit is (but remember from an earlier post that "God hath not given us the spirit of fear...").
So how do we learn to respond with love? I believe it begins with understanding, just as most hate is born out of ignorance. I've already said once in this post that I'm generally optimistic about people. I have a hard time believing that there are very many completely evil people in the world. When someone is mocking you it can be harder to see the good in them, but I promise you it's there, and our lack of seeing it just underscores our own ignorance that provokes us to react with the same hate. If they say hurtful things about you because you are attracted to those of the same sex, I'm willing to bet they don't understand you at all. If you respond by saying they are a brainwashed, maniacal, fascist, racist, idiot, well... you probably don't understand them very well either! Be the bigger person by instead just keeping your smile on your face, love in your heart, and following Thumper's advice that "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say nuttin' at all [even though they said mean things about you]!" Turning the other cheek has become so rare in our society that when you do so, it is surprisingly disarming to your opponent. They are expecting you to fight back, and when you don't, it truly can cause them to rethink what they're doing and drive them to greater understanding and thus less ignorance and hate.
I love the passage I quoted above from Christ, speaking of the Great Commandments to love God and the love our neighbor as ourselves. In context of the story, we see the Master truly living this principle. As told in Matthew 22:35-39:
"Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"
Throughout the whole chapter, the scribes, Pharisees, and Saducees had been trying to provoke Christ and bully him. They threw difficult questions at Him to try to discredit Him, usually interlaced with direct verbal affronts to His character. Yet, he doesn't respond to any of the questions in the chapter with the same biting contempt with which they ask. Instead, as this last question so clearly demonstrates, the answer he gives is LOVE.
To all my friends reading this post, whether you be Mormon, Muslim, straight, gay, atheist, male, female, black, white, tall, short, persecutor, persecuted, informed, ignorant, or anything else: We've all experienced hate born out of misunderstanding. We cannot fight ignorance with hate, nor hate with ignorance--for they are inseparable bed-fellow vices. We must respond instead with understanding and love. It worked for Christ; as verse 46 of the same chapter details, that as a result of his even-tempered and loving response, "no man did from that day forth ask him any more questions." Respond with love and the armies of hate will eventually give up. In the mean time, keep moving forward and don't listen to the mean things others say. No matter what others say about you, I love you and will always be your friend and someone you can talk to (email me at anothergaymormon@gmail.com). Hang in there! As a series of popular ads you are likely familiar with says, truly "It gets better."
Well, this may have been my first post on this subject specifically, but I can guarantee it won't be my last. Meanwhile, do you see any hate or ignorance around you that you'd like to combat? Feel free to pass this post along to others to help encourage understanding and love. Or better yet, add your own voice to the conversation! Be willing to stand up for love and help share this higher philosophy with the world.
My best,
Obadiah
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
My first week
So, I've been keeping this blog up for a whole week now! It has been incredibly therapeutic in a lot of ways, and I hope its been helpful. While you guys haven't been commenting, etc, I know from my stats page that people are clearly reading. In fact, so far my blog has been read in five countries (including over 15 views in Russia alone). I know there will be more feedback and readers with time, and I hope this first week of foundational posts proves helpful in the longrun as people later on go back to read my earlier stuff.
Meanwhile, all you so-far silent readers out there, any feedback for me??? What do you like, and what don't you like?
Meanwhile, all you so-far silent readers out there, any feedback for me??? What do you like, and what don't you like?
In the service of your God (Mosiah 2:17)
I love the Sabbath day. I have such a hectic and busy life, that it's nice to have a day that all my school and work worries don't matter. I've learned throughout that when we do homework or work on the Sabbath, we bring our own punishment upon ourselves by denying ourselves the opportunity for the rest from that stress which he Sabbah was instituted to offer. It's been a phenomenal, uplifting day and I've been dying to share some of the highlights and things I've learned here.
Based on some stake training I recently received regarding my calling, I needed to talk to my bishop about a few changes to the way the organization I'm in charge of does things and coordinate/clear those changes with him. I probably could have told him most things in a long hall-way conversation, but felt like it might just be nicer to schedule an actual appointment with him so I'd have more time to actually sit down and talk the changes through without feeling rushed. So, before sacrament meeting I talked with the Executive Secretary and got the last appointment slot he had available--an hour and 45 minutes after the end of church. Over the nearly five hours between setting up the appointment and when it happened, I kept getting a pestering thought about whether or not I should tell him about my same-gender attraction as long as I had an interview already. I convinced myself that I was only having that thought because I'd been working on this blog all week and so the topic was more on my mind than usual.
I now must take an aside to tell you another piece of my life. When I disclosed my insomnia on this blog earlier this week, I was really worried about the possbility of being given away by that struggle, since many people know about it. I have another interesting trial to share today that I'm not nearly as worried about because I talk about it almost as rarely as my same-sex attraction! It's also not something I consider to be a very big deal and I rarely ever think about it, but today it became important to an experience I had. I was diagnosed years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). People who know me would never probably guess this, largely because it is vastly misunderstood. A lot of misdiagnoses have occured and many people think it is something it isn't or that it doesn't exist at all. (The parallels between ADD and SSA were never so glaringly obvious to me beore today!*) While ADD can make a child hyper, as the stereotype goes, not all ADD people or even children are hyper, and not all hyper children have ADD. Basically, ADD means that while your brain is trying to perform analytical or intellectual functions, it can be limited by chemical imbalances which prevent it from carrying messages properly. I won't attempt to explain the biology any further, but it is ultimately a simple problem in the brain that has proved to be very treatable with effective drugs that don't have serious side-effects like many early ADD medications. I've taken various meds, including my current favorite, adderall, for over ten years. Without my medication, it would probably take me two hours to write this paragraph. I have the mental capacity, but can't harness it properly while that imbalance exists.
Why did I tell you this? Well, after church as I was waiting the nearly two hour for my chance to see the bishop, a friend from my ward sat down next to me in the foyer. We started talking and I was particularly surprised to see him rather down, as he tends to be one of those unstoppably happy people that everyone loves. I could tell early on that he needed a chance to do most of the talking and so I just let him go at it for about a half hour. He vented a lot of frustrations about how scared he was that he was graduating and didn't feel ready, ultimately because he felt like it was so hard to concentrate and use the skills he's supposedly been trained in through school. He described feelings of inability that sounded just like me without my medication. I don't think about it very often because I'm so rarely without my meds, so I usually forget that I even have ADD because I've been blessed with such great modern ways to help fight it. Now, this was NOT the first time I've talked to someone and thought that they probably had ADD, but I've NEVER told anyone I thought such about them--it's just too controversial a topic and many people have strong opinions about it, so even if I think people have a problem, I don't usually tell them (not to mention my own desire for privacy). I'm not a doctor anyway, and could certainly be wrong.
This time, however, I did something unprecedented. After simultaneously listening to my friend and the Spirit for 30 minutes, I felt like I could at least share my own experiences. He had said that he thought that I and many others were just naturally more gifted than he was and didn't know how he could do well in the workforce as such an inferior person. By sharing that I got through things with a combination of prayer, scripture, and some little blue pills, I helped him see that maybe he's not much different than many others he considers superior. I told him I was not a doctor and couldn't diagnose or prescribe anything, but that he should look into options available. I suddenly found many things I wrote on this blog this week about recognizing and facing the truth of problem in order to solve it relevant to share in a completely different context and saw how my struggles to understand SSA this week had prepared me to help someone with another trial. Among the things I said, I mentioned that the brain is just a part of our physical body like any other part, and can therefore have problems or damage. I had used to wonder if my taking pills was unfairly advantaging me over my peers, like an athlete on steroids. I've come to realize that it actually just puts me on an even playing field. If I broke my arm, few people would call it a sign of weakness if I used a cast! In fact, if help was available, people would call me foolish NOT to do anything about it and just let my dead arm drag behind me. So it is with the meds I take: they help my brain connect and concentrate properly.** The things I shared, whether he has ADD and will get treatment or not, seemed to help--especially the part about being honest with ourselves to face the TRUTH of whatever our problems are so we can solve them.
At that point, my friend had to go. It was abot 5 minutes until my scheduled time to meet with the bishop. Again that thought came to tell him about my same-sex attraction. I finally realized that I had waved all these promptings off without praying about it. So, I took those five minutes to offer a prayer and almost immediately the Lord responded very clearly. He told me quite directly that I had just suggested that a friend do a very humbling thing to seek help for an ailment that he didn't have complete control over and to seek healing. Then, he used my own analogy against me. He said I could be stubborn and refuse to seek a cast for broken arm when available, or I could trust Him to put a righteous servant with sound advice in my path, the same way I had been put in the path of my friend just moments before and had been able to help him. I was to follow my friend's example and accept help from someone the Lord had prepared to help me.
So, without out knowing really WHY I was telling him, but knowing that it would help somehow and that I did in fact need to seek that help, I went in to see my bishop. I told him I had 2 things to speak to him about. We first discussed the calling-related business which I had originally set up the appointment to discuss. That only took about three minutes (much shorter than I was hoping as I sat there with my heart beating faster and faster, knowing what was coming next). You'll remember that an earlier attempt to share my trial with someone this week did not go as well as I could have hoped (though not awful) and I was therefore filled with lots of anxiety here as well, despite the fact that my bishop is one the greatest men you'll ever meet in your life.
Well, I won't get into details of the conversation here, though I may mention a few things we discussed in the future. What I will share for today is that is went miraculously well. My bishop truly is a great man, and he has pondered and read a lot on this subject and was prepared to give me fantastic and loving advice. Apprehension and fear instantly evaporated when we started to talk and it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my life to share it in such a sacred setting with someone who had invested time into being able to understand SSA and thus help those who struggle. Best part of the story: when went in, having just realized that I needed to tell him, I still did't know why. Before I left his office however, I knew why I had told him and why I do indeed need to tell my parents when I go home for Christmas in a couple weeks. In the past I've been perfectly fine keeping this all to myself, relying on the scriptures, prayer, and Church counsel as my primary support sources, followed by other writings, research, blogs, etc. However, it is one thing to sit back observe the cyber-conversation on this volatile and politically-charged subject from a distance, and quite another to become a participant as have in the last week. While I've realized that up to this point my own studies and prayer have been sufficient to get me through this trial, I've now placed myself in a position to receive greater attacks from the adversary. How he loves to tear down righteous examples! I've now opened myself up to getting lots of attacks from bitter rivals to my personal beliefs and views, and I've read enough "gay Mormon" blogs to know how many begin with noble intentions before ultimately succumbing and crashing. The Lord needed me to know that I won't always be able to rely on just myself, prayer, and scriptures to survive. I will now need the strength and support of just a FEW select individuals who are close to me and who love me. Overall, it was just a fantastic and enlightening interview that gave me lots of perspective and direction.
What does this all have to do with the scripture I've titled this post with? Mosiah 2:17 from the Book of Mormon is a very well-known verse which reads:
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."
I think that this is both a literal and figurative verse, hinging on the delightfully ambiguous word "of." To understand it, we must first understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself our pains, our sicknesses, our afflictions, and indeed everything we experience in this life so that, as Alma says, "he may know according to the flesh how to succor [i.e. help] his people" (Alma 7:12). He experienced my life with all its trials so that He'd know how to help me through each one. Just as we read how God sometimes uses the wicked to punish the wicked, I have seen over and over again in my life how he also uses the righteous to bless he righteous. Because of His great Atonement, Christ knew what help I'd need through my trial, and he used a righteous bishop to "succor" me. Thus, one way to read the passage in Mosiah is to read the "service OF your God" as meaning the service which He sends us to accomplish. Like a military service we enlist in, we can be in the service of God and thereby help bring the blessings of His Atonement to fulfillment by doing what He would have us do to succor our fellow men in the ways only He knows best because of His experience in Gethsemene.
However, that "of" allows another equally appropriate interpretation as well. You see, Christ didn't just experience my life and trials. He also experinced yours, and he experienced those of my friend who I spoke with before seeing my bishop. Being in "the service OF your God" certainly also seems to imply the act of actually serving the Lord Himself directly. When you consider that He experienced everyone's lives in the garden of Gethsemane, then when we serve others that's actually who we're serving! By acting on promptings to make another person's burden lighter, we also lift those burdens from the other One who suffered their weight--the Savior. Thus, truly when we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are quite literally in the service of our God.
While I would counsel all of you to be careful who you share your struggles with, don't pass up opportunities to draw upon the Atonement, and many of those blessings may only be available to you through other righteous individuals the Lord has prepared to help succor you. I read an interesting bit about a common mentality among Mormon men with SSA. One expert has noted, especially regarding those who may have transgressed along the way, though it applies to all: "Sometimes their approach seems to be, 'I can accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ after I've...overcome this. But not right now. I've got to overcome this on my own, and then the Atonement will be available to me.' It's the equivalent of saying, 'I can accept the Atonement as soon as I prove I don't need it.'" Sounds a lot like dragging a broken arm around, doesn't it? Be humble and willing to accept the Lord's help, which may come through others!!!
Today I am grateful God enlisted me to be in His service to my friend, drawing upon the lessons I've learned from my own trials without even having to disclose those trials. I'm just as grateful for a kind and loving bishop who served God today as well by humbly serving me.
My best,
Obadiah (see a few footnotes below)
*In case you were wondering, while I believe that there are fascinating comparisons to be made between SSA & ADD, I don't believe that there is a link, and from everything I've looked into, it doesn't seem like anyone else does either. I've definitely seen them as two completely different and unrelated aspects of my life and there are have been plenty of ADD people without SSA and SSA people without ADD. I just got lucky in the trials-with-acronyms roulette game... plus insomnia. :)
**Regarding a little more of my philosophy on medicating ADD, I share the following from Elder Oaks from general conference April 2010 (this passage just seemed a little too lengthy to put right in the main body of an already lengthy blog post):
"The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, 'Have you used any remedies?' To those who said no because 'we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,' President Young replied: 'That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.'"
Based on some stake training I recently received regarding my calling, I needed to talk to my bishop about a few changes to the way the organization I'm in charge of does things and coordinate/clear those changes with him. I probably could have told him most things in a long hall-way conversation, but felt like it might just be nicer to schedule an actual appointment with him so I'd have more time to actually sit down and talk the changes through without feeling rushed. So, before sacrament meeting I talked with the Executive Secretary and got the last appointment slot he had available--an hour and 45 minutes after the end of church. Over the nearly five hours between setting up the appointment and when it happened, I kept getting a pestering thought about whether or not I should tell him about my same-gender attraction as long as I had an interview already. I convinced myself that I was only having that thought because I'd been working on this blog all week and so the topic was more on my mind than usual.
I now must take an aside to tell you another piece of my life. When I disclosed my insomnia on this blog earlier this week, I was really worried about the possbility of being given away by that struggle, since many people know about it. I have another interesting trial to share today that I'm not nearly as worried about because I talk about it almost as rarely as my same-sex attraction! It's also not something I consider to be a very big deal and I rarely ever think about it, but today it became important to an experience I had. I was diagnosed years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). People who know me would never probably guess this, largely because it is vastly misunderstood. A lot of misdiagnoses have occured and many people think it is something it isn't or that it doesn't exist at all. (The parallels between ADD and SSA were never so glaringly obvious to me beore today!*) While ADD can make a child hyper, as the stereotype goes, not all ADD people or even children are hyper, and not all hyper children have ADD. Basically, ADD means that while your brain is trying to perform analytical or intellectual functions, it can be limited by chemical imbalances which prevent it from carrying messages properly. I won't attempt to explain the biology any further, but it is ultimately a simple problem in the brain that has proved to be very treatable with effective drugs that don't have serious side-effects like many early ADD medications. I've taken various meds, including my current favorite, adderall, for over ten years. Without my medication, it would probably take me two hours to write this paragraph. I have the mental capacity, but can't harness it properly while that imbalance exists.
Why did I tell you this? Well, after church as I was waiting the nearly two hour for my chance to see the bishop, a friend from my ward sat down next to me in the foyer. We started talking and I was particularly surprised to see him rather down, as he tends to be one of those unstoppably happy people that everyone loves. I could tell early on that he needed a chance to do most of the talking and so I just let him go at it for about a half hour. He vented a lot of frustrations about how scared he was that he was graduating and didn't feel ready, ultimately because he felt like it was so hard to concentrate and use the skills he's supposedly been trained in through school. He described feelings of inability that sounded just like me without my medication. I don't think about it very often because I'm so rarely without my meds, so I usually forget that I even have ADD because I've been blessed with such great modern ways to help fight it. Now, this was NOT the first time I've talked to someone and thought that they probably had ADD, but I've NEVER told anyone I thought such about them--it's just too controversial a topic and many people have strong opinions about it, so even if I think people have a problem, I don't usually tell them (not to mention my own desire for privacy). I'm not a doctor anyway, and could certainly be wrong.
This time, however, I did something unprecedented. After simultaneously listening to my friend and the Spirit for 30 minutes, I felt like I could at least share my own experiences. He had said that he thought that I and many others were just naturally more gifted than he was and didn't know how he could do well in the workforce as such an inferior person. By sharing that I got through things with a combination of prayer, scripture, and some little blue pills, I helped him see that maybe he's not much different than many others he considers superior. I told him I was not a doctor and couldn't diagnose or prescribe anything, but that he should look into options available. I suddenly found many things I wrote on this blog this week about recognizing and facing the truth of problem in order to solve it relevant to share in a completely different context and saw how my struggles to understand SSA this week had prepared me to help someone with another trial. Among the things I said, I mentioned that the brain is just a part of our physical body like any other part, and can therefore have problems or damage. I had used to wonder if my taking pills was unfairly advantaging me over my peers, like an athlete on steroids. I've come to realize that it actually just puts me on an even playing field. If I broke my arm, few people would call it a sign of weakness if I used a cast! In fact, if help was available, people would call me foolish NOT to do anything about it and just let my dead arm drag behind me. So it is with the meds I take: they help my brain connect and concentrate properly.** The things I shared, whether he has ADD and will get treatment or not, seemed to help--especially the part about being honest with ourselves to face the TRUTH of whatever our problems are so we can solve them.
At that point, my friend had to go. It was abot 5 minutes until my scheduled time to meet with the bishop. Again that thought came to tell him about my same-sex attraction. I finally realized that I had waved all these promptings off without praying about it. So, I took those five minutes to offer a prayer and almost immediately the Lord responded very clearly. He told me quite directly that I had just suggested that a friend do a very humbling thing to seek help for an ailment that he didn't have complete control over and to seek healing. Then, he used my own analogy against me. He said I could be stubborn and refuse to seek a cast for broken arm when available, or I could trust Him to put a righteous servant with sound advice in my path, the same way I had been put in the path of my friend just moments before and had been able to help him. I was to follow my friend's example and accept help from someone the Lord had prepared to help me.
So, without out knowing really WHY I was telling him, but knowing that it would help somehow and that I did in fact need to seek that help, I went in to see my bishop. I told him I had 2 things to speak to him about. We first discussed the calling-related business which I had originally set up the appointment to discuss. That only took about three minutes (much shorter than I was hoping as I sat there with my heart beating faster and faster, knowing what was coming next). You'll remember that an earlier attempt to share my trial with someone this week did not go as well as I could have hoped (though not awful) and I was therefore filled with lots of anxiety here as well, despite the fact that my bishop is one the greatest men you'll ever meet in your life.
Well, I won't get into details of the conversation here, though I may mention a few things we discussed in the future. What I will share for today is that is went miraculously well. My bishop truly is a great man, and he has pondered and read a lot on this subject and was prepared to give me fantastic and loving advice. Apprehension and fear instantly evaporated when we started to talk and it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my life to share it in such a sacred setting with someone who had invested time into being able to understand SSA and thus help those who struggle. Best part of the story: when went in, having just realized that I needed to tell him, I still did't know why. Before I left his office however, I knew why I had told him and why I do indeed need to tell my parents when I go home for Christmas in a couple weeks. In the past I've been perfectly fine keeping this all to myself, relying on the scriptures, prayer, and Church counsel as my primary support sources, followed by other writings, research, blogs, etc. However, it is one thing to sit back observe the cyber-conversation on this volatile and politically-charged subject from a distance, and quite another to become a participant as have in the last week. While I've realized that up to this point my own studies and prayer have been sufficient to get me through this trial, I've now placed myself in a position to receive greater attacks from the adversary. How he loves to tear down righteous examples! I've now opened myself up to getting lots of attacks from bitter rivals to my personal beliefs and views, and I've read enough "gay Mormon" blogs to know how many begin with noble intentions before ultimately succumbing and crashing. The Lord needed me to know that I won't always be able to rely on just myself, prayer, and scriptures to survive. I will now need the strength and support of just a FEW select individuals who are close to me and who love me. Overall, it was just a fantastic and enlightening interview that gave me lots of perspective and direction.
What does this all have to do with the scripture I've titled this post with? Mosiah 2:17 from the Book of Mormon is a very well-known verse which reads:
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."
I think that this is both a literal and figurative verse, hinging on the delightfully ambiguous word "of." To understand it, we must first understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself our pains, our sicknesses, our afflictions, and indeed everything we experience in this life so that, as Alma says, "he may know according to the flesh how to succor [i.e. help] his people" (Alma 7:12). He experienced my life with all its trials so that He'd know how to help me through each one. Just as we read how God sometimes uses the wicked to punish the wicked, I have seen over and over again in my life how he also uses the righteous to bless he righteous. Because of His great Atonement, Christ knew what help I'd need through my trial, and he used a righteous bishop to "succor" me. Thus, one way to read the passage in Mosiah is to read the "service OF your God" as meaning the service which He sends us to accomplish. Like a military service we enlist in, we can be in the service of God and thereby help bring the blessings of His Atonement to fulfillment by doing what He would have us do to succor our fellow men in the ways only He knows best because of His experience in Gethsemene.
However, that "of" allows another equally appropriate interpretation as well. You see, Christ didn't just experience my life and trials. He also experinced yours, and he experienced those of my friend who I spoke with before seeing my bishop. Being in "the service OF your God" certainly also seems to imply the act of actually serving the Lord Himself directly. When you consider that He experienced everyone's lives in the garden of Gethsemane, then when we serve others that's actually who we're serving! By acting on promptings to make another person's burden lighter, we also lift those burdens from the other One who suffered their weight--the Savior. Thus, truly when we are in the service of our fellow beings, we are quite literally in the service of our God.
While I would counsel all of you to be careful who you share your struggles with, don't pass up opportunities to draw upon the Atonement, and many of those blessings may only be available to you through other righteous individuals the Lord has prepared to help succor you. I read an interesting bit about a common mentality among Mormon men with SSA. One expert has noted, especially regarding those who may have transgressed along the way, though it applies to all: "Sometimes their approach seems to be, 'I can accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ after I've...overcome this. But not right now. I've got to overcome this on my own, and then the Atonement will be available to me.' It's the equivalent of saying, 'I can accept the Atonement as soon as I prove I don't need it.'" Sounds a lot like dragging a broken arm around, doesn't it? Be humble and willing to accept the Lord's help, which may come through others!!!
Today I am grateful God enlisted me to be in His service to my friend, drawing upon the lessons I've learned from my own trials without even having to disclose those trials. I'm just as grateful for a kind and loving bishop who served God today as well by humbly serving me.
My best,
Obadiah (see a few footnotes below)
*In case you were wondering, while I believe that there are fascinating comparisons to be made between SSA & ADD, I don't believe that there is a link, and from everything I've looked into, it doesn't seem like anyone else does either. I've definitely seen them as two completely different and unrelated aspects of my life and there are have been plenty of ADD people without SSA and SSA people without ADD. I just got lucky in the trials-with-acronyms roulette game... plus insomnia. :)
**Regarding a little more of my philosophy on medicating ADD, I share the following from Elder Oaks from general conference April 2010 (this passage just seemed a little too lengthy to put right in the main body of an already lengthy blog post):
"The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, 'Have you used any remedies?' To those who said no because 'we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,' President Young replied: 'That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.'"
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Looking to lust (3 Nephi 12:28-30)
I have to begin by saying that I know already that this will be my most difficult and awkward post to write yet. I'm going to explore in words difficult feelings that much of this blog is about trying to understand. Please bear with me as I talk about delicate thoughts and emotions that are uncomfortable to express and the relevant gospel applications that guide me. So, here goes...
I have had crushes on lots of men in my life--even long before I recognized/labeled them as such. The fact is, there isn't anything inherently wrong with that either. It's hard to describe what exactly a crush is. To experience is a crush is to feel somethine compelling, magnetic, exciting, and confusing. The person on whom you have the crush is absolutley beautiful to you, and every thing they do seems wonderful.
This whole semester, even while for a short time I was dating a girl (yes, I date girls and I'll discuss that in a future post), I have had a really strong crush on a guy whose name is NOT Methuselah, but that's what I'm going to call him in this post. He's a little younger than I am, average-athletic build, very kind, and his smile completely disarms me. As I said, this is a very difficult post to write. What I just said I could never, ever say out loud and it feels uncomfortable to admit this. Nonetheless, it is also pretty important that I come to terms with these feelings in order to understand and master them, rather than letting them master me.
To make matters all the more complicated, I am in a leadership position over "Methuselah" and see him on a daily basis. In case you are reading this and do not have same-sex attraction, just think of a crush you've had on anyone of the opposite gender. It would be especially awkward if they ever noticed you just staring at them and admiring them. Well, now imagine how much MORE awkward it would be if you were a guy who saw another guy staring at you that same way. Happily, I can report that he's never seen me do any such thing... but that doesn't mean I haven't been looking. I don't look at him for very long, as I try very hard and consciously not to, despite my fascination with him. I try so hard that there are days I scarcely look at him at all because I just avoid him with my eyes at all costs. It doesn't help that he has a fantastic personality that reinforces his stunning looks. In the future I'll probably address more about the interesting dynamic of attempting a normal friendship with "Methuselah," but for now I'd just like to discuss the idea of a crush vs. lust.
I absolutley love the sermon on the mount, as well as its parallel sermon at the temple in Bountiful as recorded in the Book of Mormon. Most of the verses in the two versions are exactly the same, with only a few occasional and subtle changes. Interestingly, some of the verses where the biggest textual discrepancies exist are about the subject at hand. I'm going to go with the 3 Nephi version for this post, though I won't rule out comparing the two in depth in a future post as the changes are very intriguing. While discussing adultery in a higher law context, the Savior says,
Whosoever looketh on a woman [or man] to lust after her [him], hath committed adultery already in his heart. Behold, I give unto you a commandment, that ye suffer none of these things to enter into your heart; For it is better that ye should deny yourselves of these things wherein ye will take up your cross.
What does it mean to look at a man "to lust after him"? It seems to me that a crush doesn't qualify for that in and of itself. After all, everyone has crushes, and yet I doubt all of us are guilty of committing sexually immoral sins in our heart. I think the line for "looking to lust" lies in fantasizing upon our crushes or sexualizing our thoughts about them. We will all feel attracted at one point or another, but we must let only love, and not lust enter our heart. Honestly, there are appropriate forms of charity and love we must feel for everyone. There are romantic forms of love we must control and only let out when appropriate. Lust is a corrupted form of this latter love.
Sometimes, weakness will happen and you'll begin to fantasize or think thoughts that lead to arousal. Don't condemn yourself for that. Rather, just work on controlling it. Sing a hymn, think of a scripture, solve a math problem, think of your long list of homework and other responsibilities, PRAY (those last two are my personal effective favorites) or whatever it takes to get your mind somewhere else. For it is better that you deny yourself those thoughts and take up your cross.
Some of you feel embarassed or guilty that you feel the way you do about certain men. Please don't. While you don't need to allow yourself to let your thoughts go too far, that same standard applies to people attracted to the opposite gender as well. As for a crush or a strong attraction in and of itself, however, you are not at fault for that! Don't hate yourself. If you are having suicidal thoughts, get help. Talking to someone about those feelings can help. You, like me, may not be comfortable sharing those thoughts out loud. You are always welcome to email me for advice at anothergaymormon@gmail.com . God loves you, and He will give you the strength to press forward. He will help you keep your thoughts within appropriate bounds.
My Best,
Obadiah
I have had crushes on lots of men in my life--even long before I recognized/labeled them as such. The fact is, there isn't anything inherently wrong with that either. It's hard to describe what exactly a crush is. To experience is a crush is to feel somethine compelling, magnetic, exciting, and confusing. The person on whom you have the crush is absolutley beautiful to you, and every thing they do seems wonderful.
This whole semester, even while for a short time I was dating a girl (yes, I date girls and I'll discuss that in a future post), I have had a really strong crush on a guy whose name is NOT Methuselah, but that's what I'm going to call him in this post. He's a little younger than I am, average-athletic build, very kind, and his smile completely disarms me. As I said, this is a very difficult post to write. What I just said I could never, ever say out loud and it feels uncomfortable to admit this. Nonetheless, it is also pretty important that I come to terms with these feelings in order to understand and master them, rather than letting them master me.
To make matters all the more complicated, I am in a leadership position over "Methuselah" and see him on a daily basis. In case you are reading this and do not have same-sex attraction, just think of a crush you've had on anyone of the opposite gender. It would be especially awkward if they ever noticed you just staring at them and admiring them. Well, now imagine how much MORE awkward it would be if you were a guy who saw another guy staring at you that same way. Happily, I can report that he's never seen me do any such thing... but that doesn't mean I haven't been looking. I don't look at him for very long, as I try very hard and consciously not to, despite my fascination with him. I try so hard that there are days I scarcely look at him at all because I just avoid him with my eyes at all costs. It doesn't help that he has a fantastic personality that reinforces his stunning looks. In the future I'll probably address more about the interesting dynamic of attempting a normal friendship with "Methuselah," but for now I'd just like to discuss the idea of a crush vs. lust.
I absolutley love the sermon on the mount, as well as its parallel sermon at the temple in Bountiful as recorded in the Book of Mormon. Most of the verses in the two versions are exactly the same, with only a few occasional and subtle changes. Interestingly, some of the verses where the biggest textual discrepancies exist are about the subject at hand. I'm going to go with the 3 Nephi version for this post, though I won't rule out comparing the two in depth in a future post as the changes are very intriguing. While discussing adultery in a higher law context, the Savior says,
Whosoever looketh on a woman [or man] to lust after her [him], hath committed adultery already in his heart. Behold, I give unto you a commandment, that ye suffer none of these things to enter into your heart; For it is better that ye should deny yourselves of these things wherein ye will take up your cross.
What does it mean to look at a man "to lust after him"? It seems to me that a crush doesn't qualify for that in and of itself. After all, everyone has crushes, and yet I doubt all of us are guilty of committing sexually immoral sins in our heart. I think the line for "looking to lust" lies in fantasizing upon our crushes or sexualizing our thoughts about them. We will all feel attracted at one point or another, but we must let only love, and not lust enter our heart. Honestly, there are appropriate forms of charity and love we must feel for everyone. There are romantic forms of love we must control and only let out when appropriate. Lust is a corrupted form of this latter love.
Sometimes, weakness will happen and you'll begin to fantasize or think thoughts that lead to arousal. Don't condemn yourself for that. Rather, just work on controlling it. Sing a hymn, think of a scripture, solve a math problem, think of your long list of homework and other responsibilities, PRAY (those last two are my personal effective favorites) or whatever it takes to get your mind somewhere else. For it is better that you deny yourself those thoughts and take up your cross.
Some of you feel embarassed or guilty that you feel the way you do about certain men. Please don't. While you don't need to allow yourself to let your thoughts go too far, that same standard applies to people attracted to the opposite gender as well. As for a crush or a strong attraction in and of itself, however, you are not at fault for that! Don't hate yourself. If you are having suicidal thoughts, get help. Talking to someone about those feelings can help. You, like me, may not be comfortable sharing those thoughts out loud. You are always welcome to email me for advice at anothergaymormon@gmail.com . God loves you, and He will give you the strength to press forward. He will help you keep your thoughts within appropriate bounds.
My Best,
Obadiah
Thursday, December 1, 2011
A Coping Strategy: D&C 58:27-28
Not long before I served my mission, the mission where I served had a binder of specific mission-rules beyond those in the white handbook. This is actually pretty common I've heard. However, shortly before I got to my mission my mission president arrived and made a number of changes, including doing away with the binder of other rules. In that way, he gave the mission a "longer leash" be leaving their obedience up to the handbook, Preach My Gospel, and the Spirit. You would think that this would lead to more disobedience problems, as a longer rope also makes it easier to hang yourself. While a few missionaries maybe took that route, the majority actually IMPROVED their obedience, because my mission president did something else as well. He very rarely pounded on rules. We knew that the expectation of obedience was a given that shouldn't need constant reminding. As he put it, he wasn't there to play babysitter. He was there to help people find salvation. So, what he did instead of emphasizing obedience was emphasizing work ethic. He taught us to work like crazy and we did. It was hard, but so rewarding and caused miracles across the mission. By focusing on work ethic, obedience actually fixed itself. You see, we simply didn't have time to get into trouble! If you are too busy doing good things, there is no time left for sin. That's why a great way to solve problems with sins of commission is to focus on solving your sins of omission.
Quite appropriately, the scripture I chose for my missionary plaque (before I'd even left) was D&C 58:27-28, which says:
Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.
This has proved throughout my life to be one of the best coping strategies for temptation. I've mentioned in another post that I suffer from a chronic form of insomnia and how prone that can make a person to temptations. It is a really bad idea to be awake all alone in the middle of the night in a world with so many ready temptations as ours. So, fill your life with good causes in which you are anxiously engaged. If you actually have time to look at pornography or masturbate, you could probably use another commitment to keep you busy. Add another class for fun to expand your mind in a wholesome subject. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Volunteer with a non-profit. Get a second job. Visit friends in need of help or fellowship.
Now, be careful not to spread yourself to thin of course, but you'd be surprised how much you can get done in a day! (Of course you can do even more if you don't sleep, but if you're not like me I don't recommend trying that). I also offer this warning: being busy can become addictive! I am absolutely addicted to being busy. I'm involved in tons of classes, organizations, etc. but I love every one of them and have found many opportunities to help others and bless the world through the causes I've embraced. I just sometimes need to learn when NOT to take another commitment on. Just follow the Spirit though and He'll let you know where you can be a positive force for good. When I felt prompted to start this blog I told God that there's no way I'd ever have time to work on it. He told me to try it and see. I've actually gotten more caught up on homework and other commitments SINCE I started it than I've been in weeks! God's tricky like that sometimes. Only He can throw you a new commitment and then help you come out feeling like you have MORE time than you did before! Thus does He bless those who take the time to seek out good causes and ask Him if they should proceed and then respond quickly. If not, then we become like those described in the next verse in the Doctrine and Covenants. Here's verse 29:
"But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned."
Eek. Now, bare in mind that "damned" means a halt in progression. If you want to move forward out of sin, or simply forward in righteousness, you need to be proactive in good causes. If you hesitate to take what the Lord gives you, you are't able to move forward, and in that way you are damned. We are all probably somewhere between the two: between slothfulness and anxious engagement; between damnation and salvation. The good news is, as long as we are trying and moving forward--even if it seems like a slow progress despite all our efforts--we've been promised a happy ending! Don't spend a minute fretting over the "damned" part. Fill that minute instead with a worthy cause, and you won't need to worry about it anyway! :) There are many blessings waiting to be discovered along the way as you do so.
My best,
Obadiah
Quite appropriately, the scripture I chose for my missionary plaque (before I'd even left) was D&C 58:27-28, which says:
Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.
This has proved throughout my life to be one of the best coping strategies for temptation. I've mentioned in another post that I suffer from a chronic form of insomnia and how prone that can make a person to temptations. It is a really bad idea to be awake all alone in the middle of the night in a world with so many ready temptations as ours. So, fill your life with good causes in which you are anxiously engaged. If you actually have time to look at pornography or masturbate, you could probably use another commitment to keep you busy. Add another class for fun to expand your mind in a wholesome subject. Join a club. Take up a hobby. Volunteer with a non-profit. Get a second job. Visit friends in need of help or fellowship.
Now, be careful not to spread yourself to thin of course, but you'd be surprised how much you can get done in a day! (Of course you can do even more if you don't sleep, but if you're not like me I don't recommend trying that). I also offer this warning: being busy can become addictive! I am absolutely addicted to being busy. I'm involved in tons of classes, organizations, etc. but I love every one of them and have found many opportunities to help others and bless the world through the causes I've embraced. I just sometimes need to learn when NOT to take another commitment on. Just follow the Spirit though and He'll let you know where you can be a positive force for good. When I felt prompted to start this blog I told God that there's no way I'd ever have time to work on it. He told me to try it and see. I've actually gotten more caught up on homework and other commitments SINCE I started it than I've been in weeks! God's tricky like that sometimes. Only He can throw you a new commitment and then help you come out feeling like you have MORE time than you did before! Thus does He bless those who take the time to seek out good causes and ask Him if they should proceed and then respond quickly. If not, then we become like those described in the next verse in the Doctrine and Covenants. Here's verse 29:
"But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned."
Eek. Now, bare in mind that "damned" means a halt in progression. If you want to move forward out of sin, or simply forward in righteousness, you need to be proactive in good causes. If you hesitate to take what the Lord gives you, you are't able to move forward, and in that way you are damned. We are all probably somewhere between the two: between slothfulness and anxious engagement; between damnation and salvation. The good news is, as long as we are trying and moving forward--even if it seems like a slow progress despite all our efforts--we've been promised a happy ending! Don't spend a minute fretting over the "damned" part. Fill that minute instead with a worthy cause, and you won't need to worry about it anyway! :) There are many blessings waiting to be discovered along the way as you do so.
My best,
Obadiah
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The Truth shall make you free, PART TWO
Last night's post was perhaps more pessimistic, negative, and inconclusive than I would have liked. Luckily, a day's worth of pondering mingled with welcome distractions of various forms have helped my mind sort some things out.
The scripture I cited last night from John 8 said:
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
It dawned on me today--and bear with me on this--that the passage DOESN'T say that the telling of the truth makes you free. It is the truth itself that frees you. I'm NOT saying that to suggest that the command to not bear false witness (the ninth commandment) doesn't apply. Indeed, it is important for us to be honest, truth-telling people. However, there is no commandment that says we need to speak every truth we know out loud--and good thing too or we'd all be talking continuously! So, not telling people that I'm attracted to men is not in and of itself dishonest. I have no obligation to inform every person of every truth. Of course, there are certain truths we are commanded to declare, namely, the fundamentals of the gospel and our testimonies. As for truths like the fact that I like men (which is only a temporal and not eternal truth anyway), the only person who really needs to hear and comprehend that truth is me, the person it applies to. I have done that and let me tell you--it has made me free! Despite the fact that the freedom I'm now beginning to experience was scripturally promised, I nonetheless have found myself completely surprised to see that blessing come to pass. In the past couple months that I've started to be honest with myself and especially the past week, my relationship with God has returned to mission-levels! I have had perhaps a greater burden of emotions, but those are clearing up and I'm feeling more confident and more in control because I simply know myself better.
What I've concluded: Acknowledging truths--even difficult ones--is a liberating experience! I am not obligated to share every truth I acknowledge. Some truths are personal and not to be shared (we treat patriarchal blessings that way, don't we?) while others should be shared daily (like our testimonies). I am excited to continue to work with God to understand this truth through prayer and scripture study.
Now, a note about dishonesty and my conclusions on that matter. While it is not required that we tell every truth, we shouldn't assume that it is okay to spread falsehoods (beside very rare "spiritual override" moments from God, such as when He commanded Abraham to lie about his wife). I have generally lied the most by saying I was attracted to women who I wasn't. I guess I was always so disturbed by the fact that I WASN'T attracted to girls that every other guy was that I went out of my way to say that I WAS so I'd seem normal. And I was generally lying to myself just as much, trying to convince myself that if I told myself a girl was attractive long enough, that she somehow magically would be. I plan on writing at greater length in the future about my relationship with girls in general and the clear distinction between recognition of beauty and attraction. I may even touch on the complication this has presented in the few relationships I've been in and some of the reasons they are so few in number and always dreadfully short. Anyway, I've concluded tonight that I need to not lie about being attracted to girls I'm not. Silence is acceptable. I don't have to say things that aren't true just to try to reassure others and more importantly myself that I'm "normal" (especially since, as it turns out, I'm not!)
And now, I bid you adieu and encourage you to find ways you aren't honest with yourself. We all deceive ourselves frequently in various ways, and the more we are able to root those falsehoods out, the more liberated we will be. We can't move forward if our understanding is incorrect. Learn truth. Explore it. Treasure it. It will set you free!
My best,
Obadiah
The scripture I cited last night from John 8 said:
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
It dawned on me today--and bear with me on this--that the passage DOESN'T say that the telling of the truth makes you free. It is the truth itself that frees you. I'm NOT saying that to suggest that the command to not bear false witness (the ninth commandment) doesn't apply. Indeed, it is important for us to be honest, truth-telling people. However, there is no commandment that says we need to speak every truth we know out loud--and good thing too or we'd all be talking continuously! So, not telling people that I'm attracted to men is not in and of itself dishonest. I have no obligation to inform every person of every truth. Of course, there are certain truths we are commanded to declare, namely, the fundamentals of the gospel and our testimonies. As for truths like the fact that I like men (which is only a temporal and not eternal truth anyway), the only person who really needs to hear and comprehend that truth is me, the person it applies to. I have done that and let me tell you--it has made me free! Despite the fact that the freedom I'm now beginning to experience was scripturally promised, I nonetheless have found myself completely surprised to see that blessing come to pass. In the past couple months that I've started to be honest with myself and especially the past week, my relationship with God has returned to mission-levels! I have had perhaps a greater burden of emotions, but those are clearing up and I'm feeling more confident and more in control because I simply know myself better.
What I've concluded: Acknowledging truths--even difficult ones--is a liberating experience! I am not obligated to share every truth I acknowledge. Some truths are personal and not to be shared (we treat patriarchal blessings that way, don't we?) while others should be shared daily (like our testimonies). I am excited to continue to work with God to understand this truth through prayer and scripture study.
Now, a note about dishonesty and my conclusions on that matter. While it is not required that we tell every truth, we shouldn't assume that it is okay to spread falsehoods (beside very rare "spiritual override" moments from God, such as when He commanded Abraham to lie about his wife). I have generally lied the most by saying I was attracted to women who I wasn't. I guess I was always so disturbed by the fact that I WASN'T attracted to girls that every other guy was that I went out of my way to say that I WAS so I'd seem normal. And I was generally lying to myself just as much, trying to convince myself that if I told myself a girl was attractive long enough, that she somehow magically would be. I plan on writing at greater length in the future about my relationship with girls in general and the clear distinction between recognition of beauty and attraction. I may even touch on the complication this has presented in the few relationships I've been in and some of the reasons they are so few in number and always dreadfully short. Anyway, I've concluded tonight that I need to not lie about being attracted to girls I'm not. Silence is acceptable. I don't have to say things that aren't true just to try to reassure others and more importantly myself that I'm "normal" (especially since, as it turns out, I'm not!)
And now, I bid you adieu and encourage you to find ways you aren't honest with yourself. We all deceive ourselves frequently in various ways, and the more we are able to root those falsehoods out, the more liberated we will be. We can't move forward if our understanding is incorrect. Learn truth. Explore it. Treasure it. It will set you free!
My best,
Obadiah
The Truth shall make you free (John 8:32), PART ONE
I don't even know where to begin tonight. Let me first say that the term "coming out" does not appeal to me at all. To me that sounds like you're announcing that you've decided on a lifestyle. I recognize that that is not how everyone uses it, but that's what it makes me think--so by my definition I can't think of myself ever "coming out" because I don't plan on ever living a homosexual lifestyle. So, I'm going to simply say "telling people that I'm attracted to men." Telling people has not been in the plan at all. I have unfortunately seen too many cases where those who reveal their attractions to others get shunned. I am by nature generally optimistic, and I thorougly believe that latter-day saints are getting better at being loving and understanding of those with same-gender attraction. However, I also recognize that we're not all the way there yet and may have a long way yet to go. That is only one of several reasons that I don't plan on ever openly telling people about my struggles. I'm not saying my solution is the best for everyone, but it is what works for me. I have to add that I've felt as of late like I should someday tell my parents. That is a terrifying prospect for me. Don't get me wrong--my parents are both incredible people and I'm sure that if/when I tell them that they will be completely understanding and love me just the same. But I also know that it will change the way they see me--that simply can't be avoided. It doesn't mean they'll think less of me, per se, but they will think different of me, and I don't want to have drama attached to me! If I ever tell them it will be because I want them to understand me better without having to see me as a different person than the one they've always known. I guess my biggest hesitation is that I love them too much to dump such an emotional burden on them. I don't feel like it would necessarily serve to make mine lighter, so why burden others for no reason? Anyway, we'll see where that goes. Despite my many excuses for not telling them, I just can't ignore the little prompting to do so. Ultimately, if God wants me to share this burden with them, I will.
However, tonight I am absolutely emotionally divided about the idea of letting people know, because--completely unplanned--I just happened to have my first experience telling someone about this issue. My mind is still reeling from it. I was betrayed by my emotions and wish I could undo it, even though it went okay overall. Here's what happened:
Besides starting this blog and announcing, albeit anonymously, that I have SSA, this week has brought a whirlwind of homework and other time demands. A friend I work with this evening noticed that I was kind of out of it today and seemed especially stressed. He was picking my brain to find out the cause and I don't know if it was the spirit or what or even if he was just kidding when he asked, but he just directly asked "Do you like men?" Whether it was a joke or not, recent circumstances and experiences caused my emotions to betray me, a tear to come to my eye, and a timid but exasperated "yes" to escape my lips. That of course launched a very, very long conversation I was not prepared to have. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I don't want to have that conversation ever again. Don't get me wrong, now. My friend was actually very caring and compassionate, but in his zeal to help me he started a 15 minute lecture telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get pills to fix me so I'd stop being attracted to guys. That nearly destroyed me emotionally as I largely argued in vain that there weren't magic pills to cure attraction or make me fall in love with women. He insisted that it's all just in my head and therefore curable. Luckily, I finally got a chance to speak again and helped him understand a little more that it isn't that simple and there's no easy off-switch. Of course, I swore him t absolute secrecy and he was actually very kind about all of it in the end. Overall, it didn't go as great as I would have wanted a first "telling" experience to, but it most certainly at least went much better than I've always horrifyingly imagined.
As that friend might now be reading this blog (though I charged him strictly not to follow it, lest his presence clue others as to my identity), I hope he knows that I'm grateful that he was kind about it and still my friend. Nonetheless, like I said earlier about my reservations about telling my parents, when news like this comes to light, it ALWAYS changes the way that others see you. I know that even though my friend doesn't think less of me, he will now forever think different of me and I can never get that back.
Anyway, I hope that if I ever have to tell someone about it again besides through this blog that it isn't for a very long time.
I'll end tonight with the scripture for this post. I'm still chewing on it mentally and will probably comment a lot more on it in another post tomorrow. It's from John 8:32 and says:
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
I think the greatest burden of my struggle is the feeling of constantly breaking the ninth commandment. I've been telling people for a long time that I'm attracted to girls--even specific ones (always dishonestly)--and even today reassured a friend jokingly that I'm absolutely straight, knowing full-well that it was a full-blown lie... or is it? I'd like to think that since my actions have been to refrain from any relationships or pursue my attractions that I am in fact straight, even though I'm attracted to men. I intend to never have sex with anyone besides my future wife. Doesn't that mean I'm technically heterosexual, as I only (plan to) have sex with the opposite gender? Nonetheless, I continually feel dishonest and sometimes I do blatantly lie about myself. This blog has helped my soul see ways the truth truly sets you free, but tonight's conversation left that dilemma murkier.
For now though, I need to go for the evening. I'll keep chewing on that scripture and conclude my thoughts tomorrow, so be sure to check back.
My best,
Obadiah
TO BE CONTINUED
However, tonight I am absolutely emotionally divided about the idea of letting people know, because--completely unplanned--I just happened to have my first experience telling someone about this issue. My mind is still reeling from it. I was betrayed by my emotions and wish I could undo it, even though it went okay overall. Here's what happened:
Besides starting this blog and announcing, albeit anonymously, that I have SSA, this week has brought a whirlwind of homework and other time demands. A friend I work with this evening noticed that I was kind of out of it today and seemed especially stressed. He was picking my brain to find out the cause and I don't know if it was the spirit or what or even if he was just kidding when he asked, but he just directly asked "Do you like men?" Whether it was a joke or not, recent circumstances and experiences caused my emotions to betray me, a tear to come to my eye, and a timid but exasperated "yes" to escape my lips. That of course launched a very, very long conversation I was not prepared to have. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I don't want to have that conversation ever again. Don't get me wrong, now. My friend was actually very caring and compassionate, but in his zeal to help me he started a 15 minute lecture telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get pills to fix me so I'd stop being attracted to guys. That nearly destroyed me emotionally as I largely argued in vain that there weren't magic pills to cure attraction or make me fall in love with women. He insisted that it's all just in my head and therefore curable. Luckily, I finally got a chance to speak again and helped him understand a little more that it isn't that simple and there's no easy off-switch. Of course, I swore him t absolute secrecy and he was actually very kind about all of it in the end. Overall, it didn't go as great as I would have wanted a first "telling" experience to, but it most certainly at least went much better than I've always horrifyingly imagined.
As that friend might now be reading this blog (though I charged him strictly not to follow it, lest his presence clue others as to my identity), I hope he knows that I'm grateful that he was kind about it and still my friend. Nonetheless, like I said earlier about my reservations about telling my parents, when news like this comes to light, it ALWAYS changes the way that others see you. I know that even though my friend doesn't think less of me, he will now forever think different of me and I can never get that back.
Anyway, I hope that if I ever have to tell someone about it again besides through this blog that it isn't for a very long time.
I'll end tonight with the scripture for this post. I'm still chewing on it mentally and will probably comment a lot more on it in another post tomorrow. It's from John 8:32 and says:
"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
I think the greatest burden of my struggle is the feeling of constantly breaking the ninth commandment. I've been telling people for a long time that I'm attracted to girls--even specific ones (always dishonestly)--and even today reassured a friend jokingly that I'm absolutely straight, knowing full-well that it was a full-blown lie... or is it? I'd like to think that since my actions have been to refrain from any relationships or pursue my attractions that I am in fact straight, even though I'm attracted to men. I intend to never have sex with anyone besides my future wife. Doesn't that mean I'm technically heterosexual, as I only (plan to) have sex with the opposite gender? Nonetheless, I continually feel dishonest and sometimes I do blatantly lie about myself. This blog has helped my soul see ways the truth truly sets you free, but tonight's conversation left that dilemma murkier.
For now though, I need to go for the evening. I'll keep chewing on that scripture and conclude my thoughts tomorrow, so be sure to check back.
My best,
Obadiah
TO BE CONTINUED
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