Confused at the Grace (Hymn 193)

I started my blog nearly ten years ago as I began coming to terms with my sexuality. It has now been over seven years since I updated it. The blog always served two purposes: (1) to act as a personal cathartic channel for my feelings as I navigated that period of my life, and (2) to share my feelings so that others in a similar situation would know they are not alone. By the time I quit blogging, the first reason had faded away quite distinctly: I had found a sense of peace and balance and no longer struggled as much with internal conflict. I was happy. The second reason remained, but I figured my blog was still there for people to access if they wanted to hear the story, and life became very busy after I graduated BYU and got a real job. Then I became a father and life got even busier. Several times I thought of blogging again, but it just didn’t rise high enough in the priority chain.

So why am I back? A lot has happened since then and I’ve been coming through what I’d label a “second period of crisis” regarding my sexual and spiritual identities. As I have, I’ve seen both of those main reasons for blogging come back to life: I am working through difficult feelings again, and also have new experiences and insights I feel are worth sharing so that others may feel a little less alone. However, I also think my approach is going to be different this time, in a few key ways I’ll describe later on. First, let me explain a little more about what has brought me to the point where I’m at.

As mentioned above, since my last post I graduated from BYU and got a really awesome job that brought me out of Utah and into Texas, where we’ve lived since 2014. In 2015 we had our first child and being a father has just been the most incredible experience: so challenging, so rewarding. We’ve had two more children since then, in 2017 and 2019 respectively. With each child both the challenges and rewards have increased. I imagine that reflections on parenting and becoming the parent I want to be may be featured here moving forward, but it wasn’t parenting that brought me back to the blog.

Starting in the latter half of 2017, a period of depression combined with a spiritual malaise led to me resurrecting some old bad habits, beginning with browsing homo-erotic stories online. I had let many important gospel habits grow stale, especially consistent personal scripture study and meaningful personal praying as opposed to just “saying prayers.” I also had just grown busy and exhausted, and on top of it all, I simply felt like I had not felt the Spirit in a very long time. This was the beginning of a break in my testimony as I was giving a lot of room to my doubts, but not doing much to help my belief.

From 2018 onward, things escalated to gradually worse and worse mistakes. I’m not intending to explore all the details in this post, though I do plan to share a bit more in future posts, not because I think we all need to air our transgressions or place a lot of focus on them, but because some greater detail may be necessary context for some of the lessons I’ve learned, and some details may also help someone else caught in the same problems. I don’t plan on giving any explicit details. The two main things I’ll share briefly now are these: lots of online chatting with other gay men online, and an erotic (though not fully sexual) in-person encounter with a man in 2019. For today’s post that’s all you need to know for context, but what I really want to share is how everything has changed for the better in my life recently.

During the first two months of 2020, I began curiously growing in two different directions. The misbehaving side was actively seeking another experience with a man. But at the same time, a recent move to a new house made it easier for me to begin taking public transportation to work each day, and I began using that time to restart the habit of studying my scriptures. With that, I felt like my testimony became reawakened, even if slightly. The result was a lot of conflict. I could sense things building to a breaking point. And then the COVID-19 pandemic began and locked the world down. This had the positive effect of spoiling some plans I’d had to meet up with another man. But it also crushed my newly regained scripture study habit as working from home changed my schedule and removed the need to use public transportation. So the building conflict was for a time tamped down into a period of spiritual limbo.

During the years since I last blogged, I remained a member of the North Star Facebook group for Same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints, but just as my blogging had fallen off, so had my active participation there. But I did occasionally see posts from others and on rare occasions even commented on them. Shortly after the pandemic began, I saw a post in my feed from a man asking if there were others in the same area of Texas I live in within the group. In the previous few years I may have ignored and moved on, but this time I decided to throw my name onto his post. This resulted in a friend request from this same individual and one other. I chatted briefly with each of them via Facebook Messenger and we got to know each other at a high, superficial level. One of them (I’ll refer to him hereafter in this post as “X”) invited me to join a local in-person SSA men’s support group (temporarily virtual at the time due to COVID) that met every other week that had made a big difference for him.  I politely declined at the time, saying (laughably dishonestly), that I was good and was really at a stable place with my attractions and didn’t really need that at the time. This really would have been a true statement for the period of 2013-2017, but clearly by this point things had spun out of control and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that I needed help.

Later that year, I had a few very brief but powerful spiritual experiences that gave me these short but bright glimpses into the faith I had once had but felt disconnected from. This did not equate to a true restoration of my testimony, but certainly gave me a stronger desire than I’d felt in years to get it back and feel the Spirit and the truth of the gospel the way I once had. I felt a great urgency about this, because even though I hadn’t met in person with another man due to the pandemic, some of my other bad online habits were beginning to escalate again. Near the end of last year, two important things happened. First, “X” invited me to the local group again, and this time I initially gave a more tentative response. Second, I offered a real prayer. I once had amazing, spiritual prayers, but hadn’t prayed that way in years. I tried to tap into that kind of prayer again. It wasn’t completely successful; I still didn’t feel the Spirit. But I felt so sincere in my pleadings, perhaps the most sincere I had ever prayed. I begged to be able to feel the Spirit again the way I once had, if not right away, then within the next day. Beautifully, the next day I had a brief instant, unexpectedly at a mundane moment, where I received a startlingly clear glimpse of how it had felt to know it was true. It seemed unprompted by any specific event and left as quickly as it came. But it gave me something to hold onto and keep moving forward, as if to say, “If you start making the right choices, this is how you could feel again.” As I pondered that moment and tried to decide what to do, one of the conclusions I reached, and even believed the Spirit was pushing me towards, was to reply to “X” and ask to begin participating in the group during 2021. Was I fully sure it was the Spirit telling me that at the time? No. But I decided that if what I wanted was to feel the Spirit, then if I even believed that maybe I was getting a prompting, I should listen.

So I replied and got the information for the first meeting of the year. I was put in contact with a member of the group (let’s call him “Z”) who would be hosting it at his house that week. “Z”, it turns out, worked in the same industry I did and was also married with kids, so we were able to quickly connect and become friends over our many shared interests and experiences. In fact, the group as a whole was filled with these very humble, very faithful men, each of whom had walked a difficult path. They were very welcoming. I had no idea what to expect in attending the first meeting. I thought maybe this was really just a loose get together of similar guys to talk or maybe, I dunno, play board games? Or something? What I got instead was essentially a faith-based group therapy session. And it was mind-opening. I was not the only first-time attendee that night, and to help the two new guys feel more comfortable, at the end of that first session another member shared his story with us. Out of respect for that group and the understanding of trust we have, I won’t ever be sharing specifics of what anyone discusses, but suffice it to say I was touched at a deep level by his courage.

When I first decided to go to the group, I was not intending to necessarily share everything I’d recently been going through. In fact, I really planned to just attend and learn and use it to help me spiritually improve so I could stop making the bad choices I’d been making, and never have to tell anyone. But it turns out it doesn’t work that way. Lasting change doesn’t happen shrouded in secrecy. The Lord knows the truth anyway, so if we pretend we needn’t confess, we are only lying to ourselves. For the first month or so, I simply became better friends with some of these men and started vaguely reaching out to “Z” when I was feeling tempted (or had just had a slip-up) to tell him I was feeling “spiritually low” and could use a lift. He was always ready to help supply that lift, and didn’t pry. He did, however, one day say basically that if I was dealing with something more than just “spiritual lowness” I could share with him and he’d be there to help without judgment. But he didn’t push. The more I saw the good examples of these other men and heard stories from several who’d gone through a proper repentance process, the more my dishonesty and years of secrets ate away at me.

Up to this point, I had been very vague with my wife as to why I suddenly wanted to start going to this group. She knew about my same sex attraction early on in our dating life and it really had not been something we had talked much about for years. I had also been very discreet in my misdeeds and had never given her reason to believe there was anything wrong. But at the beginning of the year I explained to her that going to the group was just something I felt I should do and she was very supportive, even if maybe a little confused. After my third group meeting, on February 11, I didn’t sleep all night. I was wrestling with the idea of telling my wife about everything. By the end of that night I had decided I would tell her… some things, so she’d know I was working through some addictions and trying to improve, but without telling her everything. So that Saturday, February 13, we were talking after the kids went to bed and I told her in rather vague terms that I had made some mistakes that I felt I needed to tell her about. I started to really break down at this point, and of course so did she a little, but she was very supportive at the same time. I told her I didn’t think I could tell her everything then, but that it was something we needed to talk about soon. (By the way, this is a very… unusual way to kick off Valentine’s day!)

That night I basically had a full mental and emotional breakdown. I cried most of the night. And of course, you can imagine my wife was left just wondering what terrible things I would be sharing. But I didn’t know how to proceed. I texted “Z” to tell him where I was at and that I needed to talk with him. The next morning we talked for a long time. He started by sharing more of his own personal experiences with me, and by the time he was done I knew that I couldn’t just confess part-way—I had to tell everything. So I started by telling him on that phone call. I sobbed my way through all the major things and then begged for help. He gave me some very clear and great advice about how to approach disclosure with your spouse. He also told me he was a great listening ear, but not a qualified counselor in these issues and that I needed to speak with a therapist before disclosing. I didn’t have a therapist. But “Z” did, and he actually had a session scheduled the next day which he immediately sacrificed so I could use his appointment instead. I had promised my wife that I would speak with her by Wednesday evening so she wasn’t left hanging too long. I spoke with the therapist on Tuesday evening and besides helping me work through some issues, he gave me some very critical advice for how to approach disclosing to my wife. With that advice fresh in my head, we decided to talk that evening.

Telling my wife what I’d done was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. I was genuinely terrified that by the end, I would be at serious risk of losing my wife and my children. Others have lost their spouses for far less than I had done. Of course my wife was hurt, probably to a degree deeper than anything she has ever experienced. But she also made it clear that she planned to stay with me and help me out of the pit I’d dug. I was stunned, ashamed, grateful, devastated, and every other possible emotion at the same time. This was the beginning of a series of deep and meaningful conversations on a wide variety of subjects in recent weeks that have thoroughly strengthened our relationship and helped us find ways to improve our marriage.

The next day I began to thinking about the next major hurdle I needed to clear: telling my bishop. I needed this repentance to be complete, and I needed my wife to know that I wanted to be right with not only her, but the Lord. As an aside, if you paid attention to the news last month you may remember that this was the same week that Winter Storm Uri blanketed Texas in snow and caused multi-day catastrophic power outages. (We were incredibly blessed to never lose power, though many around us did; I think the Lord knew we could emotionally handle only so much that week). Anyway, while I was in the thought of talking to my bishop, he called me! Scared me to death. But he was calling just to ask if I could assist in checking on a few members of our ward affected by the power outages. I said yes, and did so, the whole while wondering if I should wait a while to tell my bishop until I’d calmed down more emotionally (these days I was crying at least hourly and was a complete mess). I texted “Z” to ask if he thought I should wait a while, or at least until talking to my therapist again. He gently suggested that the sooner I spoke with him the better. That night I called the Bishop again and asked if I could meet with him.

The next day I did the next hardest thing I’d ever done as I talked through everything with my bishop. It was nearly three hours. Three beautiful, healing hours. Just as I had after telling my wife, somehow I felt good at the end of the conversation. I felt a remarkable amount of mercy, instead of the condemnation I expected and felt I deserved. I have often found myself since then, as C.S. Lewis described it, “Surprised by Joy.” I’m shocked and confused at how quickly my life is getting better. Now make no mistake: I still have many conflicted emotions I’m struggling through and personal weaknesses to confront, but from that week forward my life has started to be filled with light again. And to a greater degree than ever before in my life, I’m beginning to understand the words of that beautiful and familiar hymn which say:

                I stand all amazed at the Love Jesus offers me,

                Confused at the GRACE that so fully he proffers me.

                I marvel to know that for ME, HE was crucified;

                That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.

                Oh, it is WONDERFUL, that He should care for me, enough to die for me!

I have much work to do and vital relationships to repair. But I have never before felt so empowered to overcome them. In the last three weeks I’ve seen so many unexpected blessings and felt so much love from various people I’ve spoken with, most particularly my extraordinary wife. Disclosing my transgressions suddenly has gotten us to talk about many things we couldn’t before. Our marriage is coming through this stronger now, not weaker. And that is the power of GRACE, or help from our Savior: divine help which is available as soon as we muster the courage and humility to accept it. It is remarkably efficacious, to a degree truly “confusing” as the hymn says. We have often grown to be so enthralled with justice that we cannot comprehend how much more powerful mercy is and how God doesn’t want to condemn any of His children: He wants to transform them. We must make the step to come, and that step can be terrifying. But I’ve recently learned that the blessings you receive for your repentance outweigh all pain and fear you may have of taking that step.

There is much more to tell, and still more that must happen as I work on becoming a better man. That will all come in future blog posts. But as I’ve reconsidered who I want to be, I’ve also reassessed this blog a bit. Now that I’ve returned, I’m going to be making a few changes:

·         Title change: When I started this blog, I was very clear about the fact that neither the terms “gay” nor “Mormon” were my first preference, but that they are the common terms people search for. My thoughts on “gay” haven’t changed much: not my preference but it doesn’t scare me (and I do use it sometimes to describe myself for the sake of convenience and brevity). However, my thoughts on the term “Mormon” have evolved more, especially in light of Pres. Nelson’s focus in recent years to more specifically avoid the term. I also think the scope of this blog may expand a bit beyond a pure focus on same-sex attraction, though, so I’ve also decided to drop the term “gay” and move to a more encompassing title of “Scriptural Insights from a Work-in-Progress Latter-day Saint.” (I recognize that the blog URL and contact email still contain both terms as of posting this, but those are more complicated to change and I’m still working on it.)

·         Greater authenticity: I’ve been reinventing my life lately on a deep level of honesty and authenticity, given the clear capacity for blatant dishonesty I’ve displayed the last few years. A decade ago, this blog was an important part of my coming to terms with many things, but it was NOT always authentic. While my thoughts on various scriptures were usually quite sincere and authentic, my description of my life and level of righteousness was NOT always. The earlier posts weren’t all a massive lie, but looking over things, I certainly white-washed a few details about myself and made myself look better than I was. For example, on more than one occasion during my time at BYU I kissed a man, but I never gave even the slightest impression of that in the blog. On at least one occasion I blatantly lied in this blog by saying I hadn’t viewed video pornography. Why did I do that? It’s complicated. Some of it was because some people who read the blog knew I was the author (including notably my mother) and I didn’t want them to know that I’d made a few more risqué mistakes than the blog would lead you to believe. I made myself look very pristine and I wasn’t. Now, I didn’t reach the same levels of indiscretion I have in the last few years, but I was not always the person I purported to be. That ends now. I’m done being dishonest. That doesn’t mean I plan to include every sordid detail, but I won’t be saying anything untrue or hiding things in a way to make me seem cleaner than I was. Honesty is going to be a common topic early on as I restart this blog. Regarding those old posts, I considered whether to delete or update them, but I actually think the authentic thing to do is to leave them. I can correct truths moving forward (like I just did) but don’t have to amend the past as I presented it then. This applies also to a few posts that I’ve re-read and realized I don’t fully agree with anymore, even if there is nothing dishonest in them. That’s part of my progression and I like to think I’ve grown a little bit wiser about a few things. But I can disagree with my past self without censoring him.

·         Regarding anonymity: Here’s another interesting sticking point that made me hesitant to resume blogging. Since I last blogged, I’ve heard several conference talks cautioning against online anonymity. And I just closed down an extensive negative online anonymous identity I’ve kept up the last few years. Not to mention, I just said I want to increase my authenticity! BUT, I also have new reasons to actually remain anonymous: my wife and children, who did not sign up to be revealed as they would be if I blogged openly with my identity. While I may blog about parenting on occasion, I also plan to keep any and all details about my children out of the blog out of respect for their privacy. This has become my policy in my normal social media use as well: my wife and I have largely stopped sharing pictures of our children on social media out of respect for their privacy. As someone in a mixed orientation marriage, I live a life deemed controversial by the world’s standards, and it isn’t fair to my children to be associated with their dad’s choices. I also have strong reasons to not have my personal blog associated or tied back to my professional life. I have a great job, but work in an industry so “progressive” that they ironically don’t have much understanding or room for my choices and situation. SO: I plan on keeping up the pseudonym. But, in the name of greater authenticity, I’m also willing to connect using my real identity with any sincere reader who reaches out to me through the blog email. In other words, I won’t correspond outside the blog in any way using a false identity. I plan on sharing my blog openly in a few forums and already there are quite a few people who know I write this. So while I’m not going to put my name literally on the blog where it can be searched for and associated openly with me, privately I plan to be quite open moving forward. I’ll be discontinuing my “Obadiah” social media accounts I created back when I first wrote this blog. There will be no second persona to speak of, just the use of the pseudonym here on my blog.

·         Cadence: When I first started the blog I was writing very consistently, sometimes 2-3 times per week. Well, time was one of the reasons I stopped blogging to begin with and my life hasn’t gotten any less busy. I’m choosing to make time for this, but cannot promise any great frequency or consistency. Right now I have a rough goal of aiming for weekly posts, and that sounds pretty ambitious, frankly. (Did I mention I have 3 kids now?) Also, don’t worry; posts won’t all be this super-long.

May the Lord bless you, wherever you are at,

--Obadiah