Help Thou Mine Unbelief (Mark 9:24)

Nearly twelve years ago, shortly after I returned home from my mission, I moved in with my grandmother to provide some live-in caregiving and have a free place to stay as I prepared to start attending BYU. She loved to watch movies in the evenings and I did a lot of catching up on movies I’d missed while on my mission while I was there. One evening my uncle stopped by with a movie I had not heard and he insisted we needed to watch it. The film was “Doubt” starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the story of a nun (played by Streep) who suspects that the new Father in their parish (Hoffman) is sexually abusing some of the altar boys. In the end she fights to get him reassigned based entirely on her conviction and circumstantial evidence. At the end she delivers a heart-wrenching monologue to another nun (Amy Adams) questioning whether she’s done the right thing and sobs that she has “such doubts.” The film notably does not ever really let you know whether he was in fact guilty, because that wasn’t the point. The point of the story was a woman’s efforts to act with conviction to do what she truly believed was right in the face of doubt. It was for me a poignant film that spoke highly to one of my great struggles: that of doubt.

Back in February when I was disclosing my transgressions of the last few years to my Bishop, he said something that resonated deeply with me. He explained that just as I should always expect the possibility that I will be attracted to men my whole life, I will similarly always experience the trial of doubt, and will have to navigate that trial and make choices despite the pressure of that trial. This was actually very eye-opening to me and immediately struck me as true. It’s interesting that I have settled to a point of calm with my attraction to men for nearly a decade now. But I have never thought of doubt in that same way as something I will simply continue to experience and need to plan for the long haul. And yes, I know some of you are thinking that if I really was at peace with my attractions, why did I do the things I did these last few years? But truthfully, my actions weren’t because of my attractions; sure, those influenced the flavor, so to speak, of the transgressions, but the choices themselves were more a crisis of both unresolved trauma requiring therapy and of a crisis of faith caused by unchecked doubt.

Two posts ago I explained a lot more of the details of my various transgressions over the last few years, and explained how I came to understand what the scriptures refer to as being a “double-minded man.” After explaining at length in that post what that means, I wanted to follow-up and counter with what it isn’t. Being double-minded doesn’t mean having conflicting feelings, thoughts, inclinations, or temptations. Double-minded is when we actively try to live both of those things or try to give place for both sides. In fact, only minutes after publishing that post in late March, I read this quote from an excellent interview with three historians on the Joseph Smith Papers Project, regarding those who struggle with questions:

A friend of mine gave this advice. If you have two beliefs in your mind that appear to be contradictory, you can allow them to coexist. For example, you may have a spiritual witness of the Book of Mormon that led you to become converted to the church, and at the same time you may have questions or doubts about some aspect of church history. It is totally compatible to have a testimony of the gospel and the Restoration while having questions or confusion about some aspects of the history. Questions and doubts are natural. Turn to the Lord in humility and be patient as you wait for his help and his answers. Seek, seek, seek, and wait, wait, wait for answers. Don’t stop doing the spiritual things while you are seeking and waiting. Sometimes the answer is to be at peace with something even though you don’t understand it. The answers and comfort and peace you seek will come, and they will come through the Spirit. I know many people whose testimonies became stronger after periods of doubt and uncertainty.

Note that second sentence. You CAN have two contradictory beliefs without resolution and I don’t think this makes you “double-minded” in the sense I was describing. Once again, double-mindedness occurs when we try to ACT in contradictory ways and live two conflicting realities—a way of living I became quite familiar with.

I have for years carried great guilt and shame for my doubts. I now realize that my doubts are no more reason for guilt or shame than my attraction to men, my love for chocolate, or my penchant for music by Rachmaninoff. These are all things I experience, and they CAN influence my decision-making, some for better, some for worse, and some for neutral. But it’s the choices that matter. I gave a lot of place to grow and entertain and act upon my doubts. That was my choice, and I am responsible for those choices. But having doubt is simply part of my nature.

I think some confusion on this matter comes from how some scriptures are worded, which may require a distinguishing of how the same terminology can be meant in different ways. For example, Doctrine & Covenants 6:36 says, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” We are here commanded not to doubt, which can certainly lead to feelings of shame or guilt when we inevitably experience doubts. But I think this scripture, like any scripture that is commandment, is still speaking only to our choices. Maybe I’m pulling at semantic straws here, but I think there is big difference between experiencing doubt and choosing actively to doubt. And I’m kind of an authority on the subject because I’ve experienced a lot of both! I don’t think the Lord condemns us for our doubts, but He may chasten us for what we choose to do with them. We can choose to reach to Him when we doubt. Two stories from the New Testament illustrate this principle well.

In Mark chapter nine, we read of a desperate father with a child overcome with “a dumb spirit” and seemingly from the description, perhaps several medical maladies of various sorts. He loves his son and has tried many things to help him for years. In desperation he has already come to the disciples, who have been unsuccessful in helping him. He now has come directly to Jesus to petition for relief. Christ counsels him in verse 23, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” Without hesitation (“straightaway” in the scriptural parlance) the father in verse 24 “cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” The Lord then heals the man’s son. The man in the story acknowledged his doubts. But he has clearly acted in faith, trying repeatedly for years to seek healing for his son. He has held onto his faith after repeatedly pleading and seeing no miracles yet through all that time. When even the Savior’s disciples, who by then already had their own reputations as miracle-workers, could also not cure him, he had every reason to give into those doubts. But he acted in faith. He cried out, with tears, for the Lord to bless him for whatever faith he could muster and fill in the gaps where his faith fell short. And the Lord blessed him for acting in faith rather than rebuking him for experiencing doubt.

On another particularly famous occasion, as recorded in Matthew chapter fourteen, Christ’s apostles are struggling in a boat without him amidst a storm. They’ve already seen him calm a storm previously, but now they are without him as they cross the sea of Galilee and fear for their lives. Just then they see him, miraculously, walking across the water towards them. His bold chief apostle Peter immediately asks permission to do the same. As we know, he walks a few steps and then, seeing the “boisterous wind” begins to sink in his fear. He immediately cries out for the Lord to save him, and the Lord does so. When I hear people recount this story a lot of emphasis is often placed on Peter’s doubt, as if to hold him up as a bad example of faith. But I would ask, how many other disciples even got out of the boat? Peter’s faith let him walk on water. He DID doubt, but even when he did, his immediate response was to call out to the Lord for help. What a wonderful example and spiritual victory! The point of the story, to me, is not that Peter doubted, but that he acted in faith and when confronted with doubt, he called on the Lord for help. We will all experience doubt, and when we call on the Lord to help us amidst those doubts, he will do so instead of letting us drown because we doubted.

Interestingly, and as an echo to the counsel my bishop gave me, it seems Peter continued to struggle with doubt his whole life as well. There are several instances which show glimpses of that doubt during the Savior’s ministry, but even long after when Peter has been leading the Church for a decade, we read in Acts 10:17 that Peter continued to face doubts, even in the moments after receiving glorious visions from on high. Peter was a man who faced doubts and acted in faith and it seems abundantly clear that the Lord is very pleased with his ministry and the bold acts of faith he made despite being someone who chronically experienced doubt. His sometimes-great doubts coexisted with his faith—a faith mighty enough to walk on water. I experience the comingling of doubt and faith every day.

So, having established that the experience of doubt does not condemn us, we turn now to the choices which can. May I offer some terminology to clarify this distinction? The doubt in these two stories I would term passive doubt: a condition which we deal with wherein we naturally will experience doubt while in mortality, and which may coexist with mighty faith. A second term would be active doubt: when we choose to act in doubt rather than acting in faith. This can be in subtle ways we entertain those doubts and begin spending time trying to align our beliefs more with our doubts than our faith. In can be in more flagrant ways, such as using our doubts as justification for our behaviors of unfaithfulness to our spouse. This is the form of doubt which we are counseled against when told to “doubt not, fear not.”

While studying references related to doubt, I was initially surprised to see a passage I’ve actually considered to be a hallmark scripture on faith listed in the Topical Guide under “Doubt.” In fact, I referenced this scripture in my last post to demonstrate how the scriptures build faith. But, sure enough, there is in the middle of the verse, a warning about active doubt. The verse is Alma 32:28, which reads (with my emphasis):

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

In the middle we see a caution to not cast the seed out because of our unbelief or doubt. In doing so we “resist” the Lord. He sends us His Spirit and the scriptures to entice us towards doing what is right. Active doubt tries to build a defense system against those spiritual pulls. Sometimes we WANT our doubts to win, so that we don’t have to accept the harder parts of the gospel. I certainly have been there. And of course, the sad result of doing so is missing out on the “delicious” fruit of the gospel which grows when we act in faith instead, even if the best we can do to act in faith is to cry out for help when the doubt seems too great, even as Peter and the afflicted boy’s father did.

Active doubt is, of course, self-sustaining. When we act in doubt, we breed greater doubt. And acting against the commandments naturally breeds doubt as our brains have to grab a life raft of justification to keep from being crushed under a blanket of cognitive dissonance. The Lord warns us of this in Deuteronomy, a book which serves as the Lord’s ancient dissertation on faithfulness to covenant life. In chapter 28 we are warned of the effects and natural consequences of sin. Among those consequences, we are warned in verse 66 that our lives will “hang in doubt” when we turn away from the Lord. So active doubt breeds sin breeds more doubt.

The great turning point of regaining my testimony this year after years of repeating that cycle of active doubt began when in desperation I prayed privately for the Lord to help me feel my faith, or in other words, to help me in mine unbelief. Reflecting back on this consequential prayer I offered five months ago, I note that I did not find myself praying for relief from sexual addiction or temptation. I was praying for faith amidst doubt and to feel the influence of the Spirit which I had cast out and resisted, and that is what helped everything start to turn for me. I still experience doubts. Some days they are small and some days they seem mighty and overwhelming. But I am choosing faith, because I also experience faith. Some days it seems small and some days it feels mighty and empowering. But I’m learning to not condemn myself for the current status of my mix of faith and passive doubt. I am choosing to act in faith and leave active doubt behind, and it has begun to be delicious to me. I feel the Lord offering the miracle of spiritual healing and pulling me from the depths of the sea before I drown. And those witnesses are building my faith. The overall trajectory is upwards, even if there is some oscillation along the way. And I have hope that through Christ I will continue to conquer my doubts through controlling them, even if I recognize that they will be with me for the long run.

--Obadiah