In ancient days, the Jews generally regarded the psalms to be "lesser scripture," but scripture nonetheless. I think this is how I feel sometimes about our hymns. I sometimes learn profound things from them, as much as I sometimes do studying the scriptures. And so, as you can tell from my title, I've chosen to base my remarks tonight around a hymn rather than a scripture passage. The hymn is one you probably know, but which has really sunk into my mind lately. It's number 140: "Did You Think to Pray?"
The first verse says:
Ere you left your room this morning, Did you think to pray?
In the name of Christ, our Savior, Did you sue for loving favor As a shield today?
The first line is the least profound of the entire hymn, but there is still more to it than initially meets the eye. At first, it seems to merely suggest the duty of prayer--that prayer is something we are required to do with regularity. But then comes the second line, which unlocks the true intent of the first. The first line isn't there to rebuke us if we didn't pray, but to encourage us. It's not about guilt-tripping, but rather gladly inviting us to reap the rich benefits of prayer. The real sadness in not praying to begin the day is not that you didn't fulfill an obligation, but rather that you didn't reap an important blessing of heavenly protection. You hurt yourself far more than you could ever hurt God if you don't pray.
One thing I especially love about this hymn, is that it never asks, "Did you think to say your prayers?" Rather, it specifically enjoins PRAYING, which altogether a different matter than merely "saying prayers." This is one of the most important distinctions I've learned in my life. "Saying prayers" means to go through the motions and say prayer-like words addressed to God. Often repetitious. Praying, on the other hand, is a divine 2-way conversation. Prayer often transcends the pattern we learned in primary of addressing--thanking--asking--closing. That is a nice paradigm to teach children with, but eventually we must move beyond it. In fact, perhaps the most important part of effective prayer is LISTENING. Eventually, prayers start including basic conversation about how your day was and discussing the things in your life with the Creator. I've loved learning to stop praying FOR things (whether that means merely "thanking FOR" or "asking FOR") and rather praying ABOUT them instead. After all, our gratitude gains more meaning if we discuss WHY we are grateful for each blessing. And our petitions are improved when we first consult the Lord to see if we are even praying for the right thing in the first place! Just remember, when you pray, that He is listening and often willing to respond. Let Him. (That said, I have to add a brief reminder: God's voice, typically via the Spirit, coming in response strongly when you pray is a thing that waxes and wanes. Sometimes you'll feel it, other times you won't and that is NOT necessarily indicative of your worthiness! Don't condemn yourself just because He is sometimes silent. In fact, I've already written a whole post on that subject previously, called "Forsaken.")
Anyway, the next verse of the hymn goes:
When your heart was filled with anger, Did you think to pray?
Did you plead for grace, my brother, That you might forgive another Who had crossed your way?
Okay, I've sung this verse my entire life in countless sacrament services. But never until today did the full depth of it register with me. This is a profound message that could actually bring about World Peace if everybody followed its advice. We all will be angered by the actions of others at one time or another. And when that anger comes, this song recognizes our need for GRACE. At first it seems that the grace is needed to forgive us of the anger. That's probably true; we SHOULD pray for/about that. But the grace is for so much more than that. Grace transforms us into better people. As the song here suggests, we plead for the grace so that we can be filled with a more forgiving spirit. I've had some important prayers lately like this: asking God to help me become better. I have to put forth my efforts to improve, of course, but the grace steps in and enables the changes and allows me to make changes I couldn't on my own. We're currently working together on targeting selfishness. Still a work in progress, but I've felt the grace in action today. (By the way, in my post a few days ago I promised a follow-up to my earlier post on Grace. That is still in the works and coming soon.)
Here's a challenge for you: You will feel hurt or angry some day soon. Maybe someone is making gay jokes again. Or mocking your religious beliefs. Maybe they've done something dishonest. Maybe they dropped something heavy on your head--by accident or intention! I don't know why you are going to have bad feelings for another person, but you will. When that moment comes, PRAY. Remember that Christ taught in the sermon on the mount that you should "pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). This is great advice. I learned a while back that you can't sincerely pray for someone while hating them. To actually face your God and ask for good things for an individual basically grows love in your heart. You will immediately begin reconciling yourself with your enemies by praying for them sincerely, and for their happiness. But don't just pray for them; as the song recommends, pray for YOURSELF to become a better person through grace, for that will truly be even more key to resolving the dispute.
Okay, final verse:
When sore trials came upon you, Did you think to pray?
When your soul was full of sorrow, Balm of Gilead did you borrow At the gates of day?
While the first verse mentioned praying at specific times, such as when we rise, these latter two aren't as time-bound. The best time to pray about a trial is when it hits. You don't need to wait until that evening! Isn't that great? God's status is always set to "available." As with anger, sore trials are also just a guaranteed part of life. And hopefully they drive us pray. Don't foolishly try to face trials without God's grace! Balm of Gilead was ancient medicine. It was an aromatic plant that helped heal wounds and grew abundantly in Gilead. It was probably one of the most important medical discoveries of ancient times, as it was able to not only speed healing, but also kept infection at bay. Our wounds, both physical and spiritual, can be dressed with healing salve that is abundant and available for us through prayer.
I'll end this post with the hymn's straightforward but profound chorus, which speaks for itself:
Oh, how praying rests the weary! Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary, Don't forget to pray.
My best,
Obadiah
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Cogs in Zion (Moses 7:18)
I've been pondering a lot lately on the 2 fundamental contradictory desires that we as human beings experience relative to our social lives: On the one hand, we strive to fit in; nobody likes to be alone and we yearn for companionship of others and finding common ground. On the other hand, we desire to be unique; nobody wants to think that they are just a cookie-cutter clone of everyone else. And so we face these two dueling desires: the desire to be different vs. the desire to fit in with everyone else. The gospel and the world both make this dichotomy reconcilable, though in vastly different ways.
Let's talk first about the world's approach. The world's predominate philosophies and views have shifted significantly throughout time, but today's prevailing preoccupation with the modern secular humanist view over-emphasizes the individuality desire. Huge stock is placed in "being yourself" and telling each individual that their own needs are most important, far outweighing that of the collective. In fact, the modern superhero portrayed in film and art is viewed in a much more tragic light than yesteryear, given their unfortunate obligation to serve other. Take the popular song "Superman" by Five for Fighting as an example. In this song, Superman, who in the 1950's television show was very happy in fulfilling his role to society, now laments the tragedy it is that he has to focus so much on others instead of his own needs. He sings, "it's not easy to be me," despite the fact that he can fly, jump over buildings, stop bullets, see through walls, and shoot both heat and freezing rays from his eyes. And this song resonates with us because as a society we respect those who serve others, but don't envy them because we've been raised in a culture which emphasizes personal desire and advancement as the primary route to happiness. The idea that giving up our own desires to serve others is vastly foreign, and accompanied in films by a noble but tragic sense of respect for those poor individuals who have to sacrifice individuality in any measure.
By the world's standard in the 21st century, we fulfill the desire to "fit in" specifically by over-accentuating the individuality. Another friend of mine with SSA recently lamented to me that a gay activist he knows seems to adamantly insist that if a same-sex attracted individual isn't openly gay and living the "gay lifestyle," then that individual is actually committing a moral mistake and cannot be fully happy because he is "denying who he is." Thus, to be accepted by the mainstream philosophical bunch of our day, we have to over-indulge on the other desire. It is by trying to be absolutely unique that others can accept us, and if they think we aren't actually trying out hardest to be "ourselves" as they see us, they actually don't accept us! This seems to make sense to them as a reconciliation of the two desires.
Now let me present an alternative to the common views of the world today. Obviously not everyone ascribes to the secular humanist path, and that became evident to me through another contemporary song, "Helplessness Blues" by Fleet Foxes. The first verse of this profound song instantly throws the fundamental pillars of secular humanism to the wind. It goes:
I was raised up believing I was somehow unique,
A snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see.
And now, after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me.
Pretty profound stuff, eh? The first two lines paint the secular view we are so surrounded by: an abundant emphasis on our differences that make us unique like snowflakes. But the author then ponders and rejects this philosophy by saying that instead of a snowflake, he'd rather be a cog. That is an incredibly bold statement, because the very word "cog" in this secular world has developed a bit of a negative connotation. That people who allow themselves to be "cogs" are those who give in to the pressures of an over-bearing society and adopt authoritarian fascism. Nobody wants to be merely a cog when you can be a snowflake! And yet, which of the two is more lasting? The snowflake will be gone when the sun comes out. The cog will endure. The cog puts others first and learns that he is part of something greater than himself. And yet being a cog doesn't mean we have to sacrifice our individuality either! Indeed, each cog is separate and necessary for the machine to function properly: it is the very fact that each cog is different and fulfills a different space in the machine that allows it to operate.
The world will tell you to "be yourself;" I would say "be true to yourself" and God encourages you to become a better self. The world will tell you "you are fine just the way you are." That one's tricky, because in some ways it is true. But it also implies that you should STAY just they way you are, when we can all strive for improvement. God wants us ultimately to be better than the way we are, and offers the help we need to achieve that goal. The world tells us that if we sacrifice some desires to conform with the Church, we are actually in the wrong. "Conform" is word that has unfortunately gotten an even worse rap than "cog" even though it isn't always bad--it can actually represent a very noble choice. When we recognize something better for not only ourselves in the long-run, but especially for the sake of others both present and future, and sacrifice our own will to conform to that ideal, we are doing something remarkably good. And this means we will sometimes have to fight against the individuality desire that the world tells us to let loose without bounds. Some conformity may be required of us, but we should welcome it. And why not? After all, God cares about saving His people all together, not just as isolated individuals. That's why the Church exists. He wants the collective individual cogs to come together, and when they do, they form what He calls Zion. As we read in Moses 7:18,
"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them."
That, my friends, is an ideal worth a little conformity. And remember, being a cog doesn't mean sacrificing individuality. Indeed, the Lord relies upon the fact that we will each have different strengths to offer as individuals in order for the machine to run properly. That we may all strive to be worthwhile cogs in the great machinery of Zion, and not merely fleeting snowflakes that will melt away tomorrow is my prayer.
My best,
Obadiah
P.S. Church today was amazing. I spoke in Church, actually, and largely adapted my earlier (and so-far favorite) post "Grace and Gasoline" into a talk. I felt really guided in how I delivered it and then afterwards had a fantastic conversation with my bishop about Grace. Our discussion gave me lots to chew on and I imagine I might write a follow-up/sequel post to that earlier post on grace not too long from now. :)
Let's talk first about the world's approach. The world's predominate philosophies and views have shifted significantly throughout time, but today's prevailing preoccupation with the modern secular humanist view over-emphasizes the individuality desire. Huge stock is placed in "being yourself" and telling each individual that their own needs are most important, far outweighing that of the collective. In fact, the modern superhero portrayed in film and art is viewed in a much more tragic light than yesteryear, given their unfortunate obligation to serve other. Take the popular song "Superman" by Five for Fighting as an example. In this song, Superman, who in the 1950's television show was very happy in fulfilling his role to society, now laments the tragedy it is that he has to focus so much on others instead of his own needs. He sings, "it's not easy to be me," despite the fact that he can fly, jump over buildings, stop bullets, see through walls, and shoot both heat and freezing rays from his eyes. And this song resonates with us because as a society we respect those who serve others, but don't envy them because we've been raised in a culture which emphasizes personal desire and advancement as the primary route to happiness. The idea that giving up our own desires to serve others is vastly foreign, and accompanied in films by a noble but tragic sense of respect for those poor individuals who have to sacrifice individuality in any measure.
By the world's standard in the 21st century, we fulfill the desire to "fit in" specifically by over-accentuating the individuality. Another friend of mine with SSA recently lamented to me that a gay activist he knows seems to adamantly insist that if a same-sex attracted individual isn't openly gay and living the "gay lifestyle," then that individual is actually committing a moral mistake and cannot be fully happy because he is "denying who he is." Thus, to be accepted by the mainstream philosophical bunch of our day, we have to over-indulge on the other desire. It is by trying to be absolutely unique that others can accept us, and if they think we aren't actually trying out hardest to be "ourselves" as they see us, they actually don't accept us! This seems to make sense to them as a reconciliation of the two desires.
Now let me present an alternative to the common views of the world today. Obviously not everyone ascribes to the secular humanist path, and that became evident to me through another contemporary song, "Helplessness Blues" by Fleet Foxes. The first verse of this profound song instantly throws the fundamental pillars of secular humanism to the wind. It goes:
I was raised up believing I was somehow unique,
A snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see.
And now, after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me.
Pretty profound stuff, eh? The first two lines paint the secular view we are so surrounded by: an abundant emphasis on our differences that make us unique like snowflakes. But the author then ponders and rejects this philosophy by saying that instead of a snowflake, he'd rather be a cog. That is an incredibly bold statement, because the very word "cog" in this secular world has developed a bit of a negative connotation. That people who allow themselves to be "cogs" are those who give in to the pressures of an over-bearing society and adopt authoritarian fascism. Nobody wants to be merely a cog when you can be a snowflake! And yet, which of the two is more lasting? The snowflake will be gone when the sun comes out. The cog will endure. The cog puts others first and learns that he is part of something greater than himself. And yet being a cog doesn't mean we have to sacrifice our individuality either! Indeed, each cog is separate and necessary for the machine to function properly: it is the very fact that each cog is different and fulfills a different space in the machine that allows it to operate.
The world will tell you to "be yourself;" I would say "be true to yourself" and God encourages you to become a better self. The world will tell you "you are fine just the way you are." That one's tricky, because in some ways it is true. But it also implies that you should STAY just they way you are, when we can all strive for improvement. God wants us ultimately to be better than the way we are, and offers the help we need to achieve that goal. The world tells us that if we sacrifice some desires to conform with the Church, we are actually in the wrong. "Conform" is word that has unfortunately gotten an even worse rap than "cog" even though it isn't always bad--it can actually represent a very noble choice. When we recognize something better for not only ourselves in the long-run, but especially for the sake of others both present and future, and sacrifice our own will to conform to that ideal, we are doing something remarkably good. And this means we will sometimes have to fight against the individuality desire that the world tells us to let loose without bounds. Some conformity may be required of us, but we should welcome it. And why not? After all, God cares about saving His people all together, not just as isolated individuals. That's why the Church exists. He wants the collective individual cogs to come together, and when they do, they form what He calls Zion. As we read in Moses 7:18,
"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them."
That, my friends, is an ideal worth a little conformity. And remember, being a cog doesn't mean sacrificing individuality. Indeed, the Lord relies upon the fact that we will each have different strengths to offer as individuals in order for the machine to run properly. That we may all strive to be worthwhile cogs in the great machinery of Zion, and not merely fleeting snowflakes that will melt away tomorrow is my prayer.
My best,
Obadiah
P.S. Church today was amazing. I spoke in Church, actually, and largely adapted my earlier (and so-far favorite) post "Grace and Gasoline" into a talk. I felt really guided in how I delivered it and then afterwards had a fantastic conversation with my bishop about Grace. Our discussion gave me lots to chew on and I imagine I might write a follow-up/sequel post to that earlier post on grace not too long from now. :)
Monday, January 16, 2012
I Have a Dream (Romans 1:16)
Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.
(January 15, 1929-April 4, 1968)
(January 15, 1929-April 4, 1968)
49 years ago this year Martin Luther King, Jr. told the world about the dream he had, that his "four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Today we honor the memory of a man who had incredible insight and helped bring about miracles of equality for his race. I cannot think of a better way to honor him than to take a little time to fight for many of the same principles that he espoused: namely, the idea of love for those who are different, especially as one who has faced a bit of persecution for being who he is.
I've mentioned before the great irony of being a faithful latter-day saint experiencing same-sex attraction: you tend to feel persecution sometimes on two fronts. Indeed, there are reasons why this blog is anonymous, and the foremost reason is because I know there are individuals in my life who simply wouldn't speak to me anymore if they knew. I'm dead serious. It is sad that even within the Church there are still those who cannot accept us as regular human beings. Paranoia still rules many thoughts. Some misconceptions I've heard honestly perpetuated among some Church members within the last month (I'm not making these up!):
*Those who have thought homosexual thoughts ever in their lives cannot receive the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom.
*Same-sex attraction comes about purely as the result of sin, or not living as fully righteously as you could have. It means the person has neglected their soul enough to let it be warped into such an unnatural state.
*Same-sex attraction is merely a choice, and those who have made that choice need to repent and stop trying to be different for the sake of attention.
*Those who are same-gender attracted cannot take the sacrament. (Some even think they shouldn't be allowed to come to Church, lest they corrupt the youth).
I have a dream that one day I could be open about my SSA and be judged not by who I find attractive, but by the content of my character. The statements above bring me to a topic I have come to feel very strongly about as I've gotten to know others who experience what I do. That topic is Shame. When people say statements like those above, it perpetuates depression and shame among those who are SSA. These misconceptions succeed in making the individual feel that they are condemned and responsible for inclinations beyond their choosing. This negates agency and seems to predestine the individual. Sounds a lot like Satan's plan to me...
That said, I must add that on the whole I am actually very optimistic about where the majority of Church members are on this issue. I think most do not hold the views expressed above and are extremely loving not only of those like me who stay in the Church while experiencing same-sex attraction, but also of those who choose to leave and pursue a homosexual partner. This is wonderful, because Christ simply commanded us to love everyone. I can state that I believe homosexual acts to be a sin we must avoid, and thus choose to avoid it myself, without hating those who make a different choice. But I hope that others respect my choice as well. And here I confront the other major front of the battle: the false rhetoric and hate speech of those in the LGBT community who condemn me for choosing to live an active latter-day saint lifestyle, and I fear there is much less progress on this front.
Many have called the gay rights movement the "new civil rights" movement of our day. There are many things I both agree and disagree with in that comparison, but even some within the gay community don't want full equality granted to everyone. To some of them, I am considered a traitor who undermines everything they are or believe in. That has never been my intent. I have tried never to take an anti-homosexual stance on this blog; rather, I have merely tried to affirm my own approach to the issue and declare that my set of values and choices in light of my attractions are just as valid and meaningful as those of anyone else. I don't wish to offend, but I also don't wish to be misunderstood, and I certainly won't stand being marginalized. "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth;" (Romans 1:16). If I won't let members of the Church cause me to feel shame for my attractions, then I am most certainly not about to let anybody make me feel shame for the gospel.
I think what people don't realize is that I stay in the Church not because of cultural pressure, but because I know that it is true. I didn't always. But I have been blessed with a deep and abiding testimony of the truth with many strong spiritual witnesses of its validity. I find great happiness in it, and a deep sense of identity. I speak with God in prayer every morning and night, and He comforts me. I wouldn't trade that joy for anything. But there are those who say I must, or else I'm worthy of the discrimination that they themselves fight so hard against. I've been accused of not being a real person, of not being truly gay/SSA, and many other claims just as erroneous, if not more so, than those listed above coming from the other direction. On this front I'm told that I'm just a brainwashed drone without the courage to stand up for the sexual experiences that would supposedly make me happier. Above all, it seems that many tend to resent me for saying that staying righteous is possible. They have to disagree because it didn't work for them, so they have to tell themselves it cannot work for anyone. So they focus huge amounts of energy, and often large sums of money on attacking the Church, and especially gay Mormons who choose to stick with the Church. And the biggest lie they perpetuate is that they've "never seen it work before;" that eventually we all fall down. (SO FALSE! I know online literally hundreds of the faithful who've stuck with it and many are now older and even retired, and very happy.) And so on this front I am judged to be a coward and/or a liar. Well, I have a dream that one day I can be judged not for my religious beliefs and convictions, but for the content of my character.
If I have spoken boldly to two audiences, it's because I feel very strongly about my subject. But I repeat that I bear no ill will for either party I've addressed. I also fully recognize that just as not all Church members espouse the silly claims I listed, neither do all gays and lesbians hold deep prejudices against me. But even to those who do, I offer love.
Let's return to the civil rights comparison. I served my mission in a place where racism was still all too common. I became a very passionate advocate for racial equality and an adversary to the dragon of racism on my mission. When I got home, I watched a movie I had missed while I was out called Hairspray. Many of you have probably seen it. I knew before it began that it was a chipper musical starring John Travolta as a large woman, but I had no idea that the major theme of the film was racism. I've mentioned in previous posts how embarrassed I am about the fact that I cry easily in movies. Well, Hairspray really took the cake. Keep in mind I had been home for maybe 2 weeks when I watched it, and so I was in that emotionally unstable RM stage to begin with. So when the film ended up being about an issue that had grown to be so important to me on my mission...well, let's just say... I bawled. Like a baby. I still love that movie, and it still makes me cry. And yes, I feel silly crying during Hairspray. Anyway, in the middle, there is a song sung by Queen Latifah called "I Know Where I've Been." Some of the lyrics describe well the struggle of the cause I'm speaking about. Here's an excerpt:
There's a cry
In the distance
It's a voice
That comes from deep within
There's a cry
Asking why
I pray the answer's up ahead
Yeah, 'Cause I know where I've been
There's a road
We've been travelin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price
The price we had to pay
There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
And there's pride
In my heart
'Cause I know
Where I'm going
Yes I do!
And I know where I've been
I don't care if some tell me I chose my attractions and need to repent to gain salvation. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me I'm a liar. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me I'm not really happy. I know otherwise. I don't care if some tell me that I'm not a real person. I certainly know otherwise! I know where I've been. And, as the song says, there is a long road and many have been lost along the way. But there is a dream of winning the struggle. "And there's pride in my heart, 'Cause I know where I'm going." I have no shame of the gospel, nor of being attracted to men. That said, there is one more topic I've got to address: my anonymity.
Some of you who have asked me how I can honestly proclaim a message that there is no need for shame in SSA when I write an anonymous blog, hiding behind my pseudonym. That question does not offend me, because it is actually a very valid concern. Honestly, there are some fantastic strong members of the Church out there who are very public and have even written wonderful books. (If you don't know who Ty Mansfield is, search him RIGHT NOW). There is a strong need for public faces to our special cross-section demographic of the LGBT community with the faithful LDS community. A part of me would love to be one of those faces. I think it would genuinely surprise a lot of people, but also give a lot of hope to see that a very normal, but also very lucky and successful guy like me experiences same-sex attraction. I think it could turn heads and do a lot of good to help heal some of those lingering fallacious public perceptions of this problem.
But I can't. It isn't a matter of shame. It is primarily because there are people very close and very important to me who unfortunately perhaps ascribe to some of those misconceptions and aren't ready yet. I don't hold that against them. I love them dearly and trust that in time they will be able to alter their views. Above all, there can be lots of complications and prejudice faced when people "come out" so to speak. I've not told anyone yet who I didn't feel spiritually prompted to. I've talked a lot with the Lord on this subject and trust that if/when He ever wants/needs me to be more public that He'll let me know. Maybe that won't ever be. I don't know. I'll trust Him. But for now I hope that you can understand that there are many complicated reasons why I simply cannot forfeit my anonymity right now, and the Lord has told me that's the right course for me. I would also caution AGAINST coming out public if the reason is merely to create drama or draw attention (we all feel that way sometimes! don't give in!). Be sure to be prayerful, and you can be sure that the Lord will let you know the correct course for you. Keeping a family relation in tact may be more important in your life right now than being able to help change public perceptions of SSA.
I have a dream that one day we will conquer the prejudices from all sides that make this subject so unfortunately taboo that it requires anonymity in the first place. I would remind you what I've said in another post: that we won't win the battle against hate/ignorance with hate and ignorance! THE ANSWER IS LOVE! As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
My best,
Obadiah
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Cheer up! It's a TRIAL, not a bad thing! (1 Peter 1:6-7)
I have had some fantastic interactions online regarding my SSA with other faithful saints as we try to help each other out and remain strong. There are fantastic blogs out there, and wonderful support groups like NorthStar. I highly applaud the efforts of my fellow soldiers on this battlefield.
That said, I have one major piece of advice to the online LDS SSA community: cheer up! A lot of the discussion is so forlorn, over-dramatic, etc. Now, I've done some of that here on this blog, for sure. And it does certainly have its place. The fact is, we are a community of generally dramatic personalities trying to figure out confusing and seemingly counter-intuitive emotions. There will be some tears and confusion. We also tend to be a bunch who are more prone to depression than the general population. But that last point may be all the reason more why I think we all need to resolve to be a little more upbeat in what we post and say.
About a month ago I put up a post exploring the first chapter of James verse by verse. Among the insights I found in that chapter, I found James' positive approach to trials refreshing and encouraging. Another general epistle from the New Testament reaffirms the same message. In 1 Peter 1:6-7 we read:
6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:
7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.
We hear the word "trial" about ten times in Church each week. Trials carry this connotation of exceeding depression. How many times have you heard someone say, "I've been facing some really hard trials lately." I'm not trying to belittle or demean those experiences. Human suffering--physical, emotional, spiritual--is very real. But the modern depressed approach to trials is a stark contrast with that of the ancient saints like James and Peter. They seemed to look at trials like the best thing in the world! Peter is practically ecstatic to tell us that his trials are SO MUCH COOLER than gold while likening them unto gold in the process. He doesn't deny the "heaviness" our diverse temptations can bring with them, but tells us to "greatly rejoice" anyway.
For this reason I've tried to be careful on my blog not to ever say "I struggle with same-sex attraction." Because, frankly, it hasn't beat me. My testimony is thriving, not struggling! Now, there are those of you out there who can very legitimately say that you struggle with this. When you fall into temptation and get trapped in addictive patterns, at that point struggle becomes a very accurate word. But you know what, if you are reading this right now, you probably want to turn things around. And if that is truly your desire and you are willing to do what it takes to turn things around, I believe you'll get out of it! And once you're out of it, I invite you to join me with those who thrive rather than struggle.(Ha! I paused after writing this paragraph to watch tonight's CES devotional with Elder Jay E. Jensen of the Presidency of the 70, and he totally affirmed everything I just said! They haven't put the text online yet, but he told the story of a young man who made mistakes with his girlfriend, but repented and learned that "the Spirit replaces the anguish of sin with optimism.")
What is a trial anyway? It seems to me that a trial is any experience that can either build or destroy our faith. God lets us have them for the purpose that they will build our faith, but we can allow them to destroy it if we approach it the wrong way. There are lots of trials that we obviously classify as trials: death of a loved one, loss of a job, natural disasters, etc. But there are other trials perhaps less obvious. For example, what about the trial of wealth? Some people can use wealth to bless the world and in the process learn what it is to be Christlike, and thus build their faith. Others become so obsessed with the world, still trying to get their camels through the eye of the needle, as Christ put it. Yet, how many of you would ever say, "Oh, that unfortunate guy struggles with a real wealth problem." That's just silly! So what does this teach us? That we don't always have to assign a negative connotation to our trials! I experience same gender attraction, but I don't struggle with it, or suffer from it. It simply is. I don't act on it, and yet I'm not "denying who I am" either. To act against the privilege I have of knowing I'm a child of God--that would truly be denying who I am.
So, in a spirit of being positive and uplifting, I finish this post with a list of 10 great things about being a "gay Mormon." Some of these are serious, some are rather tongue-in-cheek for your entertainment pleasure. Enjoy. And I hope this goes without saying, but don't take this post too seriously. Take it with rejoicing. ;)
1. I'm a great dresser (most days).
2. I've been taught amazing empathy and sympathy for others like me, and those who have other unique trials I may not understand.
3. I've gotten to meet some AMAZING people who have lifted me up and made me better in this online community.
4. I'm able to have really fun dates with girls, without too much of the awkwardness I've seen sabotage guys who have the burden of attraction for the girls they're asking out on their mind.
5. I can give my homies legit advice before a date on how they look (unfortunately, the vast majority don't know about this resource).
6. I have this anonymous blog. Which kinda makes me feel like Batman. :)
7. I get to silently chuckle inside when my oblivious roommates say silly homophobic things.
8. I have better taste in cologne than you do. Really.
9. I am continually humbled and made to rely on the Lord, which has greatly improved my relationship with Him.
10. I never have to deny who I am.
So, that's my optimistic post for the day. :) I'm sure you'll still see me put up some of those confused and somber ones, but I hope I never forget to occasionally add something more light-hearted in.
That said, I have one major piece of advice to the online LDS SSA community: cheer up! A lot of the discussion is so forlorn, over-dramatic, etc. Now, I've done some of that here on this blog, for sure. And it does certainly have its place. The fact is, we are a community of generally dramatic personalities trying to figure out confusing and seemingly counter-intuitive emotions. There will be some tears and confusion. We also tend to be a bunch who are more prone to depression than the general population. But that last point may be all the reason more why I think we all need to resolve to be a little more upbeat in what we post and say.
About a month ago I put up a post exploring the first chapter of James verse by verse. Among the insights I found in that chapter, I found James' positive approach to trials refreshing and encouraging. Another general epistle from the New Testament reaffirms the same message. In 1 Peter 1:6-7 we read:
6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:
7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.
We hear the word "trial" about ten times in Church each week. Trials carry this connotation of exceeding depression. How many times have you heard someone say, "I've been facing some really hard trials lately." I'm not trying to belittle or demean those experiences. Human suffering--physical, emotional, spiritual--is very real. But the modern depressed approach to trials is a stark contrast with that of the ancient saints like James and Peter. They seemed to look at trials like the best thing in the world! Peter is practically ecstatic to tell us that his trials are SO MUCH COOLER than gold while likening them unto gold in the process. He doesn't deny the "heaviness" our diverse temptations can bring with them, but tells us to "greatly rejoice" anyway.
For this reason I've tried to be careful on my blog not to ever say "I struggle with same-sex attraction." Because, frankly, it hasn't beat me. My testimony is thriving, not struggling! Now, there are those of you out there who can very legitimately say that you struggle with this. When you fall into temptation and get trapped in addictive patterns, at that point struggle becomes a very accurate word. But you know what, if you are reading this right now, you probably want to turn things around. And if that is truly your desire and you are willing to do what it takes to turn things around, I believe you'll get out of it! And once you're out of it, I invite you to join me with those who thrive rather than struggle.(Ha! I paused after writing this paragraph to watch tonight's CES devotional with Elder Jay E. Jensen of the Presidency of the 70, and he totally affirmed everything I just said! They haven't put the text online yet, but he told the story of a young man who made mistakes with his girlfriend, but repented and learned that "the Spirit replaces the anguish of sin with optimism.")
What is a trial anyway? It seems to me that a trial is any experience that can either build or destroy our faith. God lets us have them for the purpose that they will build our faith, but we can allow them to destroy it if we approach it the wrong way. There are lots of trials that we obviously classify as trials: death of a loved one, loss of a job, natural disasters, etc. But there are other trials perhaps less obvious. For example, what about the trial of wealth? Some people can use wealth to bless the world and in the process learn what it is to be Christlike, and thus build their faith. Others become so obsessed with the world, still trying to get their camels through the eye of the needle, as Christ put it. Yet, how many of you would ever say, "Oh, that unfortunate guy struggles with a real wealth problem." That's just silly! So what does this teach us? That we don't always have to assign a negative connotation to our trials! I experience same gender attraction, but I don't struggle with it, or suffer from it. It simply is. I don't act on it, and yet I'm not "denying who I am" either. To act against the privilege I have of knowing I'm a child of God--that would truly be denying who I am.
So, in a spirit of being positive and uplifting, I finish this post with a list of 10 great things about being a "gay Mormon." Some of these are serious, some are rather tongue-in-cheek for your entertainment pleasure. Enjoy. And I hope this goes without saying, but don't take this post too seriously. Take it with rejoicing. ;)
1. I'm a great dresser (most days).
2. I've been taught amazing empathy and sympathy for others like me, and those who have other unique trials I may not understand.
3. I've gotten to meet some AMAZING people who have lifted me up and made me better in this online community.
4. I'm able to have really fun dates with girls, without too much of the awkwardness I've seen sabotage guys who have the burden of attraction for the girls they're asking out on their mind.
5. I can give my homies legit advice before a date on how they look (unfortunately, the vast majority don't know about this resource).
6. I have this anonymous blog. Which kinda makes me feel like Batman. :)
7. I get to silently chuckle inside when my oblivious roommates say silly homophobic things.
8. I have better taste in cologne than you do. Really.
9. I am continually humbled and made to rely on the Lord, which has greatly improved my relationship with Him.
10. I never have to deny who I am.
So, that's my optimistic post for the day. :) I'm sure you'll still see me put up some of those confused and somber ones, but I hope I never forget to occasionally add something more light-hearted in.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Souvenirs from Hell and the Altar of Sacrifice (Matthew 5:29-30)
A couple "announcements" before I begin this post:
* Since pretty much the very beginning of this I've been on Twitter. Last week I created a Facebook for Obadiah as well. Some of the other blogs have done this as well by creating a page you can "like" on Facebook. I've decided to try a different approach as an experiment: I actually just created a regular profile for Obadiah. In other words, it's a regular account that instead of "liking" you can add as a friend. I want to connect with other people whether or not they are Mormon and whether or not they experience same-sex attraction. If you friend me, I'll accept (unless you are clearly a spam-bot). However, if you are trying to drag a bunch of negative content that is highly anti-Mormon or demeaning to homosexuals, I will unfriend you. So, as I say regarding posting comments here on the blog, "play nice." :)
If you want to "friend" me, here's the link to my profile: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003320193724
* Second, I've done a lot of interacting online and blogging over the Christmas break. A new semester starts tomorrow, so I can't promise I'll be online as much. The good news is that I'm taking a pretty laid-back semester compared to previous ones, so I will still have time to keep this us as well. After all, I STARTED this blog amidst the craziness of final projects and exams for a much crazier and difficult semester than this next one will be. I just want to thank all of you who have read up to this point and for your support! I have been truly touched by all the amazing people out there who have sent such encouragement to me. :)
Anyway, on to today's thoughts...
One month ago I wrote a post called "Looking to Lust" which commented on some verses about lusting from the Sermon on the Mount. I explored the 3 Nephi version of those verses and commented that these few verses show some of the biggest differences between the two versions of the Sermon on the Mount. Today I'd like to focus on two verses in this part of the sermon that the Matthew account includes but which the 3 Nephi version doesn't--kind of like the opposite of what I did last time! Here's two verses that occur in the Matthew version but not in 3 Nephi. They also are among those rare but important fragments of the Sermon on the Mount to make into both Mark and Luke as well. You're probably very familiar with them:
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if they right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
These are kind of unusual verses. Chew on them for a little bit while I go on a slight [relevant] tangent. In my last post I mentioned a touching verse from Isaiah chapter 56 about our sacrifices being accepted by the Lord. You may recall how much that verse meant to me when I read it the first time in relation to same-sex attraction and the choices I've made to stay chaste despite a desire to be with another man, and the happiness that decision has brought me. It was so reassuring to me to read that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. Then, yesterday morning I had a very special experience. The time had come for me to journey back to Provo, but before I left I was able to have an experience unique up to this point in my life: to receive a priesthood blessing of counsel and comfort specifically addressing my same-gender attraction. Because nobody has ever known about it before until the last month of my life, I've never been able to seek any such blessing in the past. But yesterday before I left my parent's home, I was able to receive a blessing from my father. My father is a fantastic and spiritual man. He has shown nothing but absolute love for me in the past week he's known about my SSA, despite the fact that I can tell it was more difficult news for him to hear than he wanted me to see. I think it is hard mainly because it is difficult for him to comprehend and because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I'm also almost certain that he hasn't read my blog (he knows about it, but I think he's still wrapping his mind around everything), and in fact my mom told me as much. That's perfectly fine. It also makes the blessing he gave me all the more amazing. You see, despite the fact that he had not read my most recent post, the first thing he told me in the blessing he gave was those same words which had touched me so deeply: that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. He continued to speak, by the inspiration of the spirit, a very personal and meaningful blessing that touched pretty much exclusively on the most pressing questions and worries I've had as of late. I could tell that the blessing was NOT influenced by any biases or misunderstandings about SSA that my father may or may not have. It was almost like, for 2-3 minutes my father understood everything I was going through. Honestly, this is probably due to the fact that the Savior does understand how I feel and what I go through and can inspire worthy, in-tune priesthood holders to speak appropriate words of comfort according to that understanding.
Anyway, the beginning of that blessing caused me to reflect even more on the idea of sacrifice and laying certain desires, habits, worldly goods, etc. on the figurative altar of sacrifice. I pondered this thought continually for most of the drive back to Provo. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis, from his masterpiece work The Great Divorce. In the introduction to the book he says:
"There is no heaven with a little of hell in it--no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets. If we insist on keeping Hell (or even earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell. Out Satan must go, every hair and feather."
Profound words, eh? This, I truly believe, is what is meant by the verses I quoted from the Sermon on the Mount: that whatever we are asked to give up to gain heaven, no matter how much we love that thing, it is worth the price we will pay. I watched a new movie last week called "Dolphin Tale." I hope you've heard of it, and that you don't think it's a silly kid's movie like the title may suggest. It's actually a great film starring Harry Connick, Jr. and Morgan Freeman based on a true story, about the plight of several individuals who lose limbs as well as a dolphin who loses its tale. Each must adjust to the difficult life of being without an appendage they've largely taken for granted their entire lives. Have you ever known someone missing a limb? So have I. They'll likely tell you that although they have happy lives, they probably wouldn't willingly choose to give up a limb. I share this to give perspective to the verses from Matthew. What if God asked you to give up your arm? Note that the word "offend" in the verses would be better rendered "cause you to stumble." In other words, if there is anything that stands between us and heaven, we must be willing to give it up--even if we love it. I really like my right eye (despite the fact that is slightly more near-sighted than my left one). I also really like my right hand. I don't want to give up either one! What are other things I really like? Well, I like mountains; I like music; I like chocolate. The list could go on and on. If God asked me to never see mountains again or to never hear music, am I ready to give those up? If God asked me to give up chocolate??? (eek!) I think I am ready to honestly give those things up if God asked me too.
In my last post, I spoke of sacrificing the possibility of living in a life-long relationship with a man. I've made that decision, and, as I've said, I am very happy with it. Then I had an interesting thought: What if God asked me to give up my attractions to men? The answer may seem obvious: of course! Take it away! Get rid of it once and for all! But actually, my initial reaction was a resistance to that very thought. I think 2 months ago I absolutely would have responded that "obvious" way. However, now as I've begun the process of accepting my body's natural patterns of attraction and coming to peace with them, I've been learning to love that side of myself, despite my plans to marry a woman. After all, the Lord doesn't want me to hate myself, especially for something that isn't even a sin. I deeply believe that part of the human experience is the struggle between two dichotomous desires: the desire to fit in and be accepted, and the desire to be unique and different. My same-gender attraction for many years was, in my mind, the antagonist of the first desire. Lately, it has instead become the friend of the second desire. I like that this experience makes me different! I'm learning to appreciate attraction rather than despise myself for it, for I know full well where I stand and I never let my thoughts go into forbidden territory or "look to lust" as the post I mentioned earlier discussed. And since it isn't a sin, it isn't really a "souvenir from hell" is it?
Well, maybe. Note that C.S. Lewis mentions not only the evil "hell," but also the neutral "earth" as being something we can't hold onto if we want heaven. And what is hell really? Hell isn't necessarily something evil. We sometimes describe it as a separation from God. This earth life therefore can be considered a form of hell in and of itself, but not an evil one--for it is a hell we willingly chose temporarily because we WANTED heaven permanently. Seen in this light, our arms and eyes--both pieces of a less-than-perfected body--could very well be considered souvenirs from hell if keeping them would keep us out of heaven. There is nothing inherently evil about my eye or my hand. But if I must leave them behind, then I will do so. Likewise, there is nothing inherently wrong with my same-gender attraction. But accepting that it is okay to experience those attractions cannot mean that I cling to them so tightly that I'd rather keep them than accept heaven.
Like I said before, there was a time that giving up my attractions to men would be incredibly desirable. For many of you it still is. Oddly enough, in God's infinite (but not always understood by mortals) wisdom, he has asked us to be willing to put anything required on the altar of sacrifice, but sometimes doesn't want us to sacrifice the things that for whatever reason he wants us to keep. In short, some of you may see your SSA as an arm that you'd LOVE to cast off, but have no ability to do so. Well, apparently God hasn't asked you to make that sacrifice. He might not in this life. In that case, you might have to keep the offending arm. But you will need to offer your trust to Him. You'll need to lay hurt feelings for your trial on the altar of sacrifice, for our ignorance of God's higher ways should never convince us to grasp tightly to hellish souvenirs of unfaithfulness or bitterness for God.
I know this has been a rather confusing post. I don't expect any reader to completely understand my thoughts or feelings here. But I hope it has at least stimulated thought. Do you have any souvenirs from hell or earth that you simply can't let go of? Casting off an arm is a hard thing to do, but God will help you place it on the altar of sacrifice.
My best,
Obadiah
* Since pretty much the very beginning of this I've been on Twitter. Last week I created a Facebook for Obadiah as well. Some of the other blogs have done this as well by creating a page you can "like" on Facebook. I've decided to try a different approach as an experiment: I actually just created a regular profile for Obadiah. In other words, it's a regular account that instead of "liking" you can add as a friend. I want to connect with other people whether or not they are Mormon and whether or not they experience same-sex attraction. If you friend me, I'll accept (unless you are clearly a spam-bot). However, if you are trying to drag a bunch of negative content that is highly anti-Mormon or demeaning to homosexuals, I will unfriend you. So, as I say regarding posting comments here on the blog, "play nice." :)
If you want to "friend" me, here's the link to my profile: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003320193724
* Second, I've done a lot of interacting online and blogging over the Christmas break. A new semester starts tomorrow, so I can't promise I'll be online as much. The good news is that I'm taking a pretty laid-back semester compared to previous ones, so I will still have time to keep this us as well. After all, I STARTED this blog amidst the craziness of final projects and exams for a much crazier and difficult semester than this next one will be. I just want to thank all of you who have read up to this point and for your support! I have been truly touched by all the amazing people out there who have sent such encouragement to me. :)
Anyway, on to today's thoughts...
One month ago I wrote a post called "Looking to Lust" which commented on some verses about lusting from the Sermon on the Mount. I explored the 3 Nephi version of those verses and commented that these few verses show some of the biggest differences between the two versions of the Sermon on the Mount. Today I'd like to focus on two verses in this part of the sermon that the Matthew account includes but which the 3 Nephi version doesn't--kind of like the opposite of what I did last time! Here's two verses that occur in the Matthew version but not in 3 Nephi. They also are among those rare but important fragments of the Sermon on the Mount to make into both Mark and Luke as well. You're probably very familiar with them:
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if they right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
These are kind of unusual verses. Chew on them for a little bit while I go on a slight [relevant] tangent. In my last post I mentioned a touching verse from Isaiah chapter 56 about our sacrifices being accepted by the Lord. You may recall how much that verse meant to me when I read it the first time in relation to same-sex attraction and the choices I've made to stay chaste despite a desire to be with another man, and the happiness that decision has brought me. It was so reassuring to me to read that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. Then, yesterday morning I had a very special experience. The time had come for me to journey back to Provo, but before I left I was able to have an experience unique up to this point in my life: to receive a priesthood blessing of counsel and comfort specifically addressing my same-gender attraction. Because nobody has ever known about it before until the last month of my life, I've never been able to seek any such blessing in the past. But yesterday before I left my parent's home, I was able to receive a blessing from my father. My father is a fantastic and spiritual man. He has shown nothing but absolute love for me in the past week he's known about my SSA, despite the fact that I can tell it was more difficult news for him to hear than he wanted me to see. I think it is hard mainly because it is difficult for him to comprehend and because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I'm also almost certain that he hasn't read my blog (he knows about it, but I think he's still wrapping his mind around everything), and in fact my mom told me as much. That's perfectly fine. It also makes the blessing he gave me all the more amazing. You see, despite the fact that he had not read my most recent post, the first thing he told me in the blessing he gave was those same words which had touched me so deeply: that the Lord had accepted my sacrifice. He continued to speak, by the inspiration of the spirit, a very personal and meaningful blessing that touched pretty much exclusively on the most pressing questions and worries I've had as of late. I could tell that the blessing was NOT influenced by any biases or misunderstandings about SSA that my father may or may not have. It was almost like, for 2-3 minutes my father understood everything I was going through. Honestly, this is probably due to the fact that the Savior does understand how I feel and what I go through and can inspire worthy, in-tune priesthood holders to speak appropriate words of comfort according to that understanding.
Anyway, the beginning of that blessing caused me to reflect even more on the idea of sacrifice and laying certain desires, habits, worldly goods, etc. on the figurative altar of sacrifice. I pondered this thought continually for most of the drive back to Provo. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis, from his masterpiece work The Great Divorce. In the introduction to the book he says:
"There is no heaven with a little of hell in it--no plan to retain this or that of the devil in our hearts or our pockets. If we insist on keeping Hell (or even earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell. Out Satan must go, every hair and feather."
Profound words, eh? This, I truly believe, is what is meant by the verses I quoted from the Sermon on the Mount: that whatever we are asked to give up to gain heaven, no matter how much we love that thing, it is worth the price we will pay. I watched a new movie last week called "Dolphin Tale." I hope you've heard of it, and that you don't think it's a silly kid's movie like the title may suggest. It's actually a great film starring Harry Connick, Jr. and Morgan Freeman based on a true story, about the plight of several individuals who lose limbs as well as a dolphin who loses its tale. Each must adjust to the difficult life of being without an appendage they've largely taken for granted their entire lives. Have you ever known someone missing a limb? So have I. They'll likely tell you that although they have happy lives, they probably wouldn't willingly choose to give up a limb. I share this to give perspective to the verses from Matthew. What if God asked you to give up your arm? Note that the word "offend" in the verses would be better rendered "cause you to stumble." In other words, if there is anything that stands between us and heaven, we must be willing to give it up--even if we love it. I really like my right eye (despite the fact that is slightly more near-sighted than my left one). I also really like my right hand. I don't want to give up either one! What are other things I really like? Well, I like mountains; I like music; I like chocolate. The list could go on and on. If God asked me to never see mountains again or to never hear music, am I ready to give those up? If God asked me to give up chocolate??? (eek!) I think I am ready to honestly give those things up if God asked me too.
In my last post, I spoke of sacrificing the possibility of living in a life-long relationship with a man. I've made that decision, and, as I've said, I am very happy with it. Then I had an interesting thought: What if God asked me to give up my attractions to men? The answer may seem obvious: of course! Take it away! Get rid of it once and for all! But actually, my initial reaction was a resistance to that very thought. I think 2 months ago I absolutely would have responded that "obvious" way. However, now as I've begun the process of accepting my body's natural patterns of attraction and coming to peace with them, I've been learning to love that side of myself, despite my plans to marry a woman. After all, the Lord doesn't want me to hate myself, especially for something that isn't even a sin. I deeply believe that part of the human experience is the struggle between two dichotomous desires: the desire to fit in and be accepted, and the desire to be unique and different. My same-gender attraction for many years was, in my mind, the antagonist of the first desire. Lately, it has instead become the friend of the second desire. I like that this experience makes me different! I'm learning to appreciate attraction rather than despise myself for it, for I know full well where I stand and I never let my thoughts go into forbidden territory or "look to lust" as the post I mentioned earlier discussed. And since it isn't a sin, it isn't really a "souvenir from hell" is it?
Well, maybe. Note that C.S. Lewis mentions not only the evil "hell," but also the neutral "earth" as being something we can't hold onto if we want heaven. And what is hell really? Hell isn't necessarily something evil. We sometimes describe it as a separation from God. This earth life therefore can be considered a form of hell in and of itself, but not an evil one--for it is a hell we willingly chose temporarily because we WANTED heaven permanently. Seen in this light, our arms and eyes--both pieces of a less-than-perfected body--could very well be considered souvenirs from hell if keeping them would keep us out of heaven. There is nothing inherently evil about my eye or my hand. But if I must leave them behind, then I will do so. Likewise, there is nothing inherently wrong with my same-gender attraction. But accepting that it is okay to experience those attractions cannot mean that I cling to them so tightly that I'd rather keep them than accept heaven.
Like I said before, there was a time that giving up my attractions to men would be incredibly desirable. For many of you it still is. Oddly enough, in God's infinite (but not always understood by mortals) wisdom, he has asked us to be willing to put anything required on the altar of sacrifice, but sometimes doesn't want us to sacrifice the things that for whatever reason he wants us to keep. In short, some of you may see your SSA as an arm that you'd LOVE to cast off, but have no ability to do so. Well, apparently God hasn't asked you to make that sacrifice. He might not in this life. In that case, you might have to keep the offending arm. But you will need to offer your trust to Him. You'll need to lay hurt feelings for your trial on the altar of sacrifice, for our ignorance of God's higher ways should never convince us to grasp tightly to hellish souvenirs of unfaithfulness or bitterness for God.
I know this has been a rather confusing post. I don't expect any reader to completely understand my thoughts or feelings here. But I hope it has at least stimulated thought. Do you have any souvenirs from hell or earth that you simply can't let go of? Casting off an arm is a hard thing to do, but God will help you place it on the altar of sacrifice.
My best,
Obadiah
Friday, December 30, 2011
Verse by Verse: Isaiah 56
I've had this post in mind since I began this blog. I finally feel ready to write it.
Sometimes one of the big frustrations for members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction is that while there are great recent materials and modern general authority statements regarding SSA, the canon of scripture seems relatively silent regarding our plight. In many regards this is true, but one of the points of my blog has been to show that the scriptures still offer great support for us. While all of the other scriptures I've shared here so far have great application to members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction, I've found Isaiah 56 very meaningful personally because I believe that it is not only applicable, but in many ways intended for or addressed to our special little demographic within the covenant people. This is incredibly rare in scripture!
Like my similar post on the first chapter of James a few weeks ago, I'd like to approach not only a couple verses, but rather a whole chapter verse by verse. Of course, this chapter is actually much shorter than the first chapter of James, and in fact I'm not even going to touch the last four verses, as they actually belong with chapter 57 and have little to do with the theme of 56. So, here goes Isaiah 56:1-8, considered verse by verse in the same format as that earlier post:
Background: The book of Isaiah breaks down into 2 distinct parts, often considered 2 completely separate books. The first portion includes chapters 1-39, followed by the second half, often referred to as Deutero-Isaiah comprising 40-66. Some have contended that these two halves were actually written by different people--the second being a man decades or even centuries after Isaiah's death. I highly disagree (if you want to debate that subject, email me). But I digress. The reason I'm telling you this is that there IS a distinct difference between the first and second books of Isaiah. The first is rather condemning, the second rather merciful. I could detail a lot of other significant differences, but bear in mind that this chapter comes from the second portion, and is thus filled with great spiritual promises. This is a very happy chapter, and I turn to it often for strength. I hope you find some great strength in it too. Here goes:
1 Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed.
2 Blessed is the man that doeth this, and the son of man that layeth hold on it; that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and keepeth his hand from doing any evil.
Commentary: The chapter begins with a few conditions for the promises about to be expounded upon. Interestingly, Isaiah has not yet explained his intended audience yet, which he usually does right away. I think he's just especially trying to emphasize the importance of these conditions. He's going to spend most of the rest of the chapter unfolding tender mercies and promised blessings, but for now he needs us to know that we have to put forth a little bit of effort to claim all of them. The first verse's message is very simple: "Choose the right! There are good things just around the corner."
The second verse begins to foretell blessings to come, and then takes the time to very specifically mention one particular commandment: honoring the sabbath. I cannot honestly tell you why this particular commandment is singled out, but I can testify that observance of it has very directly helped facilitate the blessings outlined in this chapter in my own life. I live for the sabbath day. I have a very busy life and love having a day that I don't have to worry about homework or work or so many other cares life brings. Those who drag worldly stresses onto the sabbath punish themselves! Preach My Gospel says the following about keeping the Sabbath: "When a community or nation grows careless in its Sabbath activities, its religious life decays and all aspects of life are negatively affected. The blessings associated with keeping the Sabbath day holy are lost" (PMG, p. 74). Notice also the second specified piece of this counsel in verse two to "keep your hand from doing any evil." Many potential applications here for sins that our hands commit. Find one applicable to you.
Now, with the foundation of counsel and conditions, Isaiah is prepared to address his intended audience:
3 Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree.
Commentary: So, Isaiah has revealed a two-fold audience. These blessings and promises will apply to the "son of the stranger," in other words, those born outside the covenant who convert to the gospel. He is comforting them because they feel like they are lesser members of the kingdom, separate from the lifelong members and thus rather discouraged. The second group is much more unique: Isaiah specifically counsels eunuchs who are part of the covenant people. These men are discouraged because they know the role of family in the gospel plan and feel like therefore they can't receive a fullness of gospel blessings because they are "dry trees" incapable of marrying or having children.
Isaiah was perhaps more aware than most if not all of his OT contemporaries the importance of his writings for our day. He writes a lot of things that weren't pertinent to his peers nearly at all, but which are vitally important to us today. Often he has applications for both time periods though, and this seems to be one of those times. The convert demographic is obvious enough in our day, but what about eunuchs? Well, while I don't personally know of any castrated latter-day saints in our day, I do know of faithful singles who, for no fault of their own (just as most eunuchs--who were typically made so at birth) may not have the opportunity to marry in this life. While I certainly hope to marry in this life, what if that just isn't the plan? Couldn't faithful saints who experience same-sex attraction and never marry be easily likened to these eunuchs in their desperate plight, worrying if the blessings of eternal family and exaltation will be withheld forever? What about faithful LDS women who are faithful and don't see marriage in this life, like Sister Barbara Thompson of the Relief Society general presidency? Perhaps the eunuch comparison may sound far-fetched to you right now, but keep reading. I believe that Isaiah wasn't just addressing a similar group of people; I believe he saw our day and wrote this letter to the eunuchs of his own with us in mind.
4 For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant;
5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give unto them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
Commentary: The conditions of the blessings for the eunuchs are reasserted, including an additional reference to the sabbath day. Then, the Lord makes a beautiful promise: the promise of temple blessings. He has reminded them earlier that they are not "dry trees." They have eternal potential and can receive the same eternal blessings, and to prove that to them, he tells them to take the blessings of their temple covenants as a reminder of what the Lord is willing to give them. By the way, to underscore the relevance of verse 5 to our temple covenants, it's worth noting that the word "place" is an erroneous translation that would be better rendered "hand." Thus, the Lord invites the eunuchs to come to his house (the temple) and receive by covenant a HAND and a NAME. In short, the endowment becomes God's down-payment on the blessings of eternal exaltation including roles in eternal families that go beyond merely those "of sons and of daughters" (implicitly, those of husbands/fathers and of wives/mothers).
By the way, the use of the word "daughters" itself implies an extended audience beyond just the eunuchs he's addressed expressly in these verses, since all eunuchs were male and therefore saying "daughters" (which is rare enough in scripture even when eunuchs aren't involved) doesn't make sense unless others are implied. Remember that while verse 3 addressed both converts and eunuchs, verses 4 and 5 address only the eunuchs, just as the next 2 will address specifically the converts:
6 Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the LORD, to serve him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be his servants, every one that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and taketh hold of my covenant;
7 Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people.
Commentary: Like the eunuchs, recall that the converts were depressed because they felt like they were unable to be full participants in the Kingdom. Perhaps their past lives filled them with guilt, or perhaps they were mistreated by others of the covenant. Either way, they had thoughts very similar in many ways to those of the eunuchs, and the Lord actually promises them the same blessing! He explains it in a different way, but in verse seven he promises the blessings of the temple as a reminder of their eternal inheritance. The beautiful thing about the Hebrew poetic synonymous parallelism created by verses 4-5 in parallel with 6-7 is that while they say basically the same thing, the different explanations of the same thing expand our understanding. In other words, 4-5 may be addressed to the eunuchs, but the converts actually can directly own those verses because they are told the same thing in parallel. Likewise, the eunuchs may take meaning from verses 6-7. And this "eunuch" intends to. :)
Verse seven contains what is perhaps the most meaningful phrase to me personally from the entire chapter: "their sacrifices shall be accepted." All faithful covenant keepers make sacrifices, and it is very touching to me when the Lord takes time to acknowledge that fact. After all, our small sacrifices mean very little compared to His Great Sacrifice. And yet He cries with us in the pain of the things that are hard for us to part with, but which must go if we are to live with Him forever. When I first read this chapter with a realization of its application to my plight, I had actually been having some rather depressing thoughts. In the first place, I had been unhealthily dwelling far too much on fantasies (non-sexual) of what it would be like to be with a man. The idea was actually (and still sometimes is) so beautiful to me. Of course, it is mingled with lots of other guilt and confusing emotions too, but I fully recognize and believe that temporally I could be very happy living in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. But I have already made a decision to lay that desire on the altar of sacrifice. That's what I'd been thinking and reminding myself of my commitment to when I found this chapter and read the sweet reassurance that my sacrifice was accepted of the Lord. And do you know what? I am not sad at all about the choice I've made. In fact, I find lots of happiness also in the thought of being in a long-term (that is, eternal) relationship with an elect daughter of God. I truly do desire that very deeply and find happiness in chaste fantasies about that life as well. And what if I don't attain that in this life? Yet will I not say to the Lord that I am a barren tree. I will trust Him and rely on the blessings of my temple covenants as a reminder of the celestial rewards to come. And that makes me happy.
One last verse to tie it all together:
8 The Lord GOD which gathereth the outcasts of Israel saith, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those that are gathered unto him.
Commentary: The end of verse seven talked about the Lord's house being for all people, and the chapter concludes with this similar verse of counsel to the converts and "eunuchs" who perceive themselves as outcasts in the Kingdom. He gathers us too! And He will gather others not yet of the covenant, who also need to be made welcome here. All people are different. All people have struggles. Most people would be blown away to learn some of the trials I've been blessed with in this life. Likewise, if I knew what each person around me struggled with I would probably be equally amazed. There is no cause to "judge another, when I walk imperfectly," for we would do well to remember that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymn 220). The Lord wants us to make room for everyone in the kingdom, be they convert, eunuch, or anyone else. Begin today to widen the scope of your embrace for God's children. God wants to have all of His children back.
My best,
Obadiah
Sometimes one of the big frustrations for members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction is that while there are great recent materials and modern general authority statements regarding SSA, the canon of scripture seems relatively silent regarding our plight. In many regards this is true, but one of the points of my blog has been to show that the scriptures still offer great support for us. While all of the other scriptures I've shared here so far have great application to members of the Church who experience same-sex attraction, I've found Isaiah 56 very meaningful personally because I believe that it is not only applicable, but in many ways intended for or addressed to our special little demographic within the covenant people. This is incredibly rare in scripture!
Like my similar post on the first chapter of James a few weeks ago, I'd like to approach not only a couple verses, but rather a whole chapter verse by verse. Of course, this chapter is actually much shorter than the first chapter of James, and in fact I'm not even going to touch the last four verses, as they actually belong with chapter 57 and have little to do with the theme of 56. So, here goes Isaiah 56:1-8, considered verse by verse in the same format as that earlier post:
Background: The book of Isaiah breaks down into 2 distinct parts, often considered 2 completely separate books. The first portion includes chapters 1-39, followed by the second half, often referred to as Deutero-Isaiah comprising 40-66. Some have contended that these two halves were actually written by different people--the second being a man decades or even centuries after Isaiah's death. I highly disagree (if you want to debate that subject, email me). But I digress. The reason I'm telling you this is that there IS a distinct difference between the first and second books of Isaiah. The first is rather condemning, the second rather merciful. I could detail a lot of other significant differences, but bear in mind that this chapter comes from the second portion, and is thus filled with great spiritual promises. This is a very happy chapter, and I turn to it often for strength. I hope you find some great strength in it too. Here goes:
1 Thus saith the LORD, Keep ye judgment, and do justice: for my salvation is near to come, and my righteousness to be revealed.
2 Blessed is the man that doeth this, and the son of man that layeth hold on it; that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and keepeth his hand from doing any evil.
Commentary: The chapter begins with a few conditions for the promises about to be expounded upon. Interestingly, Isaiah has not yet explained his intended audience yet, which he usually does right away. I think he's just especially trying to emphasize the importance of these conditions. He's going to spend most of the rest of the chapter unfolding tender mercies and promised blessings, but for now he needs us to know that we have to put forth a little bit of effort to claim all of them. The first verse's message is very simple: "Choose the right! There are good things just around the corner."
The second verse begins to foretell blessings to come, and then takes the time to very specifically mention one particular commandment: honoring the sabbath. I cannot honestly tell you why this particular commandment is singled out, but I can testify that observance of it has very directly helped facilitate the blessings outlined in this chapter in my own life. I live for the sabbath day. I have a very busy life and love having a day that I don't have to worry about homework or work or so many other cares life brings. Those who drag worldly stresses onto the sabbath punish themselves! Preach My Gospel says the following about keeping the Sabbath: "When a community or nation grows careless in its Sabbath activities, its religious life decays and all aspects of life are negatively affected. The blessings associated with keeping the Sabbath day holy are lost" (PMG, p. 74). Notice also the second specified piece of this counsel in verse two to "keep your hand from doing any evil." Many potential applications here for sins that our hands commit. Find one applicable to you.
Now, with the foundation of counsel and conditions, Isaiah is prepared to address his intended audience:
3 Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree.
Commentary: So, Isaiah has revealed a two-fold audience. These blessings and promises will apply to the "son of the stranger," in other words, those born outside the covenant who convert to the gospel. He is comforting them because they feel like they are lesser members of the kingdom, separate from the lifelong members and thus rather discouraged. The second group is much more unique: Isaiah specifically counsels eunuchs who are part of the covenant people. These men are discouraged because they know the role of family in the gospel plan and feel like therefore they can't receive a fullness of gospel blessings because they are "dry trees" incapable of marrying or having children.
Isaiah was perhaps more aware than most if not all of his OT contemporaries the importance of his writings for our day. He writes a lot of things that weren't pertinent to his peers nearly at all, but which are vitally important to us today. Often he has applications for both time periods though, and this seems to be one of those times. The convert demographic is obvious enough in our day, but what about eunuchs? Well, while I don't personally know of any castrated latter-day saints in our day, I do know of faithful singles who, for no fault of their own (just as most eunuchs--who were typically made so at birth) may not have the opportunity to marry in this life. While I certainly hope to marry in this life, what if that just isn't the plan? Couldn't faithful saints who experience same-sex attraction and never marry be easily likened to these eunuchs in their desperate plight, worrying if the blessings of eternal family and exaltation will be withheld forever? What about faithful LDS women who are faithful and don't see marriage in this life, like Sister Barbara Thompson of the Relief Society general presidency? Perhaps the eunuch comparison may sound far-fetched to you right now, but keep reading. I believe that Isaiah wasn't just addressing a similar group of people; I believe he saw our day and wrote this letter to the eunuchs of his own with us in mind.
4 For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant;
5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give unto them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.
Commentary: The conditions of the blessings for the eunuchs are reasserted, including an additional reference to the sabbath day. Then, the Lord makes a beautiful promise: the promise of temple blessings. He has reminded them earlier that they are not "dry trees." They have eternal potential and can receive the same eternal blessings, and to prove that to them, he tells them to take the blessings of their temple covenants as a reminder of what the Lord is willing to give them. By the way, to underscore the relevance of verse 5 to our temple covenants, it's worth noting that the word "place" is an erroneous translation that would be better rendered "hand." Thus, the Lord invites the eunuchs to come to his house (the temple) and receive by covenant a HAND and a NAME. In short, the endowment becomes God's down-payment on the blessings of eternal exaltation including roles in eternal families that go beyond merely those "of sons and of daughters" (implicitly, those of husbands/fathers and of wives/mothers).
By the way, the use of the word "daughters" itself implies an extended audience beyond just the eunuchs he's addressed expressly in these verses, since all eunuchs were male and therefore saying "daughters" (which is rare enough in scripture even when eunuchs aren't involved) doesn't make sense unless others are implied. Remember that while verse 3 addressed both converts and eunuchs, verses 4 and 5 address only the eunuchs, just as the next 2 will address specifically the converts:
6 Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the LORD, to serve him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be his servants, every one that keepeth the sabbath from polluting it, and taketh hold of my covenant;
7 Even them will I bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer: their burnt offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon mine altar; for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people.
Commentary: Like the eunuchs, recall that the converts were depressed because they felt like they were unable to be full participants in the Kingdom. Perhaps their past lives filled them with guilt, or perhaps they were mistreated by others of the covenant. Either way, they had thoughts very similar in many ways to those of the eunuchs, and the Lord actually promises them the same blessing! He explains it in a different way, but in verse seven he promises the blessings of the temple as a reminder of their eternal inheritance. The beautiful thing about the Hebrew poetic synonymous parallelism created by verses 4-5 in parallel with 6-7 is that while they say basically the same thing, the different explanations of the same thing expand our understanding. In other words, 4-5 may be addressed to the eunuchs, but the converts actually can directly own those verses because they are told the same thing in parallel. Likewise, the eunuchs may take meaning from verses 6-7. And this "eunuch" intends to. :)
Verse seven contains what is perhaps the most meaningful phrase to me personally from the entire chapter: "their sacrifices shall be accepted." All faithful covenant keepers make sacrifices, and it is very touching to me when the Lord takes time to acknowledge that fact. After all, our small sacrifices mean very little compared to His Great Sacrifice. And yet He cries with us in the pain of the things that are hard for us to part with, but which must go if we are to live with Him forever. When I first read this chapter with a realization of its application to my plight, I had actually been having some rather depressing thoughts. In the first place, I had been unhealthily dwelling far too much on fantasies (non-sexual) of what it would be like to be with a man. The idea was actually (and still sometimes is) so beautiful to me. Of course, it is mingled with lots of other guilt and confusing emotions too, but I fully recognize and believe that temporally I could be very happy living in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man. But I have already made a decision to lay that desire on the altar of sacrifice. That's what I'd been thinking and reminding myself of my commitment to when I found this chapter and read the sweet reassurance that my sacrifice was accepted of the Lord. And do you know what? I am not sad at all about the choice I've made. In fact, I find lots of happiness also in the thought of being in a long-term (that is, eternal) relationship with an elect daughter of God. I truly do desire that very deeply and find happiness in chaste fantasies about that life as well. And what if I don't attain that in this life? Yet will I not say to the Lord that I am a barren tree. I will trust Him and rely on the blessings of my temple covenants as a reminder of the celestial rewards to come. And that makes me happy.
One last verse to tie it all together:
8 The Lord GOD which gathereth the outcasts of Israel saith, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those that are gathered unto him.
Commentary: The end of verse seven talked about the Lord's house being for all people, and the chapter concludes with this similar verse of counsel to the converts and "eunuchs" who perceive themselves as outcasts in the Kingdom. He gathers us too! And He will gather others not yet of the covenant, who also need to be made welcome here. All people are different. All people have struggles. Most people would be blown away to learn some of the trials I've been blessed with in this life. Likewise, if I knew what each person around me struggled with I would probably be equally amazed. There is no cause to "judge another, when I walk imperfectly," for we would do well to remember that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymn 220). The Lord wants us to make room for everyone in the kingdom, be they convert, eunuch, or anyone else. Begin today to widen the scope of your embrace for God's children. God wants to have all of His children back.
My best,
Obadiah
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Image of God (Genesis 1:26-27)
About a week ago I promised a post on body image issues. Well, here it is!
I think that largely I don't typically seem like the "gay stereotype" charicature figure. However, if there is a way I fit the "mold" we've created in society of what gay people are "like," this is probably the biggest one. I have always been very self-conscious about my appearance. In junior high and high school I had lots of thoughts that were borderline anorexic. Now, I have NEVER even approached the line of being overweight. Sometimes I've been UNDERWEIGHT (like, perhaps right now) but I've never had weight issues. And yet in Junior High I always felt like I was fat. It was less so in high school, but still flared up from time to time. I don't ever really think I'm fat anymore. Now I get concerned about lack of musculature or above all: my face. I have experienced severe self-esteem issues from my face. Most mornings I wake up, leave my room, and look in the mirror. My first thought is immediately how I look that day. 9 times out of 10 I'm disappointed. Every now and then I look in the mirror and like what I look like. But not often.
Sometimes when I'm stressed or have low self-esteem I don't eat very much. It's not because I think I'm fat, it's just something I do. Another behavior that may make me seem kind of stereotype is that I like to dress well to compensate for my perceived lack of comliness. As I'm not super rich and many of my clothes are hand-me-downs (thankfully my older brother has fantastic taste), this can be difficult sometimes. But I've learned that looking good often depends more on HOW you wear certain clothes and put them together. Certain pants and shirts combinations simply don't do! Then I write sentences like that, or more often simply think those thoughts, and suddenly my self esteem goes right out the window again because then I am reminded that I'm fashion conscious because I'm compensating for my perceived ugly face, which is because I have deeply set body image issues. Honestly, I know I'm not actually a bad looking guy, so when I feel that way, I start feeling bad that I feel that way! (Boy this would all be much simpler if I also didn't have a huge propensity for over-analyzing myself!)
I imagine I'm not the only one with major body image issues. From what I've read from others, it seems to go with the territory a bit, though not everyone--which is why stereotypes are dangerous. Honestly, I don't know all the answers with this one yet. I know that it is bad for me to hate myself, and certainly things that deteriorate self-esteem need to be addressed and conquered. I don't know HOW to fix it but I know it needs to be fixed. Or maybe I just struggle with it my whole life like SSA? Who knows. On the one side, there are parts of it that aren't a problem. For example, wanting to look good and wearing trendy clothes is not a sin (once again, my wardrobe isn't really actually that trendy, but I wish it were more so and typically do pretty well with what I have). And yet I feel guilt attached to the feelings. I suppose it is similar to the way I am trying to stop feeling guilty about being attracted to men--something that in and of itself isn't wrong, but which I've been telling myself is for years.
Anyway, while I haven't figured out the solution to this particular problem yet, I do find solace in these verses from the first chapter of the Bible:
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; mal and female created he them.
If ever I feel like my body is subpar, it helps at least in part to remember who it's modeled after. Any advice on this topic would be appreciated. :D
My best,
Obadiah
I think that largely I don't typically seem like the "gay stereotype" charicature figure. However, if there is a way I fit the "mold" we've created in society of what gay people are "like," this is probably the biggest one. I have always been very self-conscious about my appearance. In junior high and high school I had lots of thoughts that were borderline anorexic. Now, I have NEVER even approached the line of being overweight. Sometimes I've been UNDERWEIGHT (like, perhaps right now) but I've never had weight issues. And yet in Junior High I always felt like I was fat. It was less so in high school, but still flared up from time to time. I don't ever really think I'm fat anymore. Now I get concerned about lack of musculature or above all: my face. I have experienced severe self-esteem issues from my face. Most mornings I wake up, leave my room, and look in the mirror. My first thought is immediately how I look that day. 9 times out of 10 I'm disappointed. Every now and then I look in the mirror and like what I look like. But not often.
Sometimes when I'm stressed or have low self-esteem I don't eat very much. It's not because I think I'm fat, it's just something I do. Another behavior that may make me seem kind of stereotype is that I like to dress well to compensate for my perceived lack of comliness. As I'm not super rich and many of my clothes are hand-me-downs (thankfully my older brother has fantastic taste), this can be difficult sometimes. But I've learned that looking good often depends more on HOW you wear certain clothes and put them together. Certain pants and shirts combinations simply don't do! Then I write sentences like that, or more often simply think those thoughts, and suddenly my self esteem goes right out the window again because then I am reminded that I'm fashion conscious because I'm compensating for my perceived ugly face, which is because I have deeply set body image issues. Honestly, I know I'm not actually a bad looking guy, so when I feel that way, I start feeling bad that I feel that way! (Boy this would all be much simpler if I also didn't have a huge propensity for over-analyzing myself!)
I imagine I'm not the only one with major body image issues. From what I've read from others, it seems to go with the territory a bit, though not everyone--which is why stereotypes are dangerous. Honestly, I don't know all the answers with this one yet. I know that it is bad for me to hate myself, and certainly things that deteriorate self-esteem need to be addressed and conquered. I don't know HOW to fix it but I know it needs to be fixed. Or maybe I just struggle with it my whole life like SSA? Who knows. On the one side, there are parts of it that aren't a problem. For example, wanting to look good and wearing trendy clothes is not a sin (once again, my wardrobe isn't really actually that trendy, but I wish it were more so and typically do pretty well with what I have). And yet I feel guilt attached to the feelings. I suppose it is similar to the way I am trying to stop feeling guilty about being attracted to men--something that in and of itself isn't wrong, but which I've been telling myself is for years.
Anyway, while I haven't figured out the solution to this particular problem yet, I do find solace in these verses from the first chapter of the Bible:
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; mal and female created he them.
If ever I feel like my body is subpar, it helps at least in part to remember who it's modeled after. Any advice on this topic would be appreciated. :D
My best,
Obadiah
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