The Faith of Eliezer (Genesis 24:27)

In my last post I promised two sequels on my continually evolving thoughts on different groups at the intersection of the LGBTQ+ and Latter-day Saint communities. I promise those are still coming. But I have lots to say and those posts take time to write. And I wanted to get this shorter post up while some thoughts were still on my mind from my scripture study today, and also provide an update on my personal life.

This week’s Come Follow Me reading begins in Genesis 24 with the story of Abraham giving a special request to his chief servant (who is oddly never named in this chapter, but we know his name from chapter 15 to be Eliezer). Abraham asks Eliezer to find a faithful, Jehovah-believing wife for his son Isaac from among his family far away in the land of his birth. Abraham makes clear the absolute importance of this request, which at his age could be the last he ever makes of Eliezer for all he knows. Eliezer understands the weight of the assignment and immediately starts getting really stressed about it.

After making the long trip, he arrives and, worried about his ability to fulfill the assignment and find the right wife for Isaac, prays for guidance and even asks to see the Lord’s hand revealed in a specific way. While he’s still finishing the prayer, his requested sign is given and Rebecca is revealed to be the chosen bride for Isaac through her gesture of compassion in giving water to him and his camels. He is so overwhelmed by the miracle that he immediately prays again, with a pure prayer of gratitude in verse 27:

“And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master’s brethren.”

I’ve heard this story many times. Kind of. We talk about it every four years in Sunday school, briefly between the comparatively more exciting stories of Abraham and Isaac on the mountain, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and soon thereafter Esau’s economically unwise trade of birthright for soup. Compared to the stories of floods, parted seas, slain giants, and lion’s dens throughout the rest of the Old Testament, this simple story can get easily lost and we often move past it as just a "nice" little story. Today, though, it hit me as perhaps one of the most meaningful miracles recorded in scripture specifically because of its non-grandeur and humble personal scale. I can relate far more to Eliezer’s personal miracle and trial of faith than the giant miraculous stories that fill much of the scriptures, because his story reflect my own. We travel long distances not sure if we’re going about doing the will of the Lord in the proper way or if He’s even really there guiding us. But then He shows himself in these small ways that to others can so easily be dismissed as coincidence, but to us in that moment the miracle is real and we see and feel the hand of the Lord. When Moses parts the red sea, nobody can deny the power of the God and the veracity of the miracle. But this miracle was a personal tender mercy just for Eliezer that showed the Lord was there for him and would help him. And for most of us, that is virtually the only kind of miracle we will ever witness.

The last year has brought me a lot of reflection. It has been a year now since I disclosed major transgressions to my wife and bishop and began rebuilding my faith. The journey so far has been both hard at times, and yet remarkably easier than I could have ever hoped for. I have had no significant relapses during this year and no longer even really feel much of a pull towards a lot of the addictions and bad behaviors anymore. I am happy. My wife and I have strengthened our marriage and are the closest we’ve ever been. We’ve had some trials along the way including notably a miscarriage last fall that had subsequent complications requiring surgery for my wife. I think the ways we repaired our marriage better prepared us for that trial. Overall, I’m stunned at the rapid speed which I’ve made so much meaningful progress. I also would be remiss not to cite the amazing power of a great therapist and a local support group who have helped me through many of the most difficult emotional times.

My relationship with God, which 18 months ago was almost nonexistent, has been revived. It is still difficult sometimes. I often feel like Eliezer, pushing forward in the wilderness hoping the Lord will be there when I need Him. I will sometimes travel a few months of my journey where I will feel a spiritual dullness, waiting to see the hand of the Lord revealed. And it always is revealed eventually after patience in small, personal miracles. I am grateful that amidst the mighty earth-shaking miracles, we also have captured this small, tender personal miracle as a reminder of the way most of us “non-prophets” are going to interact with the Lord along the way. And I hope as you seek him that you too will feel the hand of the Lord when you need it, even if you have to push all the way to the well in Haran before you see it revealed.

Waiting on a Miracle: The Singles who Stay (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)

 This post is the first of three in which I plan to delve into my current feelings and reflections on the situations of various sub-demographics at the intersection of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the LGBTQ+ Community, from both a doctrinal and practical perspective. This first post concerns the Singles who Stay.

At risk of being redundant with the many others who have already blogged about Disney’s latest animated hit, Encanto, I’ve decided to join the club. I have not been able to stop thinking about some of the most pivotal themes of the film since I first saw it back in November. Most notably, a heartbreaking sequence and song in the film’s first act has had me reflecting on the challenges of many of my peers in the same-sex attracted Latter-day Saint community.

In case you haven’t seen it and intend to, I’ll give you a very minor spoiler warning for this paragraph and the next. The protagonist, Mirabel, is a young adult in a family where each member was given a magical ability during a rite of passage ceremony as a pre-teen… except her. For some reason, when she was to receive her “gift,” the magical house which bestows them decided to decline, making her the only non-magical member of her generation in the family. She had seen each of her older siblings and cousins receive their gifts before her as they passed through their own magic doors and inexplicably found her own door taken away.

All of this information is revealed as back story, and as the film’s story begins, her younger cousin Antonio is having his own ceremony to receive his gift. She once again finds herself watching someone she loves receive a gift that she does not and rejoice in blessings that she will never know. She then sings a song called “Waiting on a Miracle” that tragically expresses her grief at feeling that not only is her lack of a gift a big enough blow to begin with, but her non-gift status often causes her to feel like an outsider within her own family.

From my very first viewing I have seen so much of the experience of my many good single LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saint single friends reflected in Mirabel’s story. These faithful members often long more than anything for companionship and marriage, and see their brothers and sisters walk through those magic temple doors to claim those blessings again and again. Like Mirabel genuinely celebrates Antonio’s successful claiming of his gift, these members often share real joy in seeing the blessings poured out on their loved ones, even as they also feel the pain of not understanding where their miracle is. Furthermore, they, like Mirabel, can often feel like outsiders in a Church where they are constantly reminded that marriage is central to God’s plan; where so many ward activities are centered around doing things with children they don’t have; where even certain important callings require being married.

I have dear, close friends in this category. Their faith is remarkable, and I believe their course is among the hardest you can choose in the Church given all the circumstances that they didn’t choose. Some still fully anticipate finding marriage someday (a choice I’ll discuss more in part three of this series of posts), while others do not foresee that possibility being within reach. It gets harder when they are given constant reminders, such as while faithfully reading their “Come, Follow Me” assignment a few weeks ago that “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Later this year we’ll study in Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 the following:

                “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

“For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

“Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”

With these constant reminders of the need for companionship, what is a single member of the Church to do? Especially one for whom the prospect of marriage seems perhaps not just dim but impossibly out of reach? Recently David Archuleta posted a heartfelt hour-long reflection on his own personal difficulties in this position. I soon after read a blog-post response from another such member I’ve never met who similarly reflected on this plight and raised the possibility of alternative paths forward that involve fidelity to covenants while filling the need of companionship.

These ideas aren’t entirely new. I’ve heard many gay members of the Church weigh some of these possibilities and before meeting my wife I myself once considered them. Most of them involve the idea of living in a close non-sexual relationship with a person of the same gender while remaining active in the Church. I know several members who currently are in these relationships and making it work. Elder Christofferson’s brother Tom, who has remained single for years as a faithful same-sex attracted member, recently mentioned that he’s contemplating pursing such an arrangement. However, this choice is not without controversy.

These kinds of relationships seem to be within a wide doctrinal gray zone, and there is absolutely no consistency on how local leaders respond. Some have been encouraged by their bishops to seek healthy companionship while staying active, while others have been told by their bishops that these situations are sinful or tantamount to “the appearance of evil” we are told to avoid. So where do I stand on this subject these days?

Well, for starters, let’s ask a more basic question: Should a same-sex attracted person be forbidden from having roommates? That to me sounds ludicrous. I myself had many of them in college. If a member seeking a close companion to live with refers to them as their “roommate” does that make this idea more palatable to those who may resist the idea? There are no rules against having friends, and certainly not against roommates. If a single member has a long-term non-sexual roommate who they are particularly close friends with, travel with, and maybe even share finances with and this gives them a stable relationship that offers happiness and fulfillment, where is the harm in that? And who cares what word is used to describe that relationship. (I go back on forth on words sometimes; words definitely matter, but sometimes we forget that they matter much less than the reality of what they are describing. But that’s a post for another time…) If someone honestly wants to stay in full fellowship in the Church and live up to covenants while not wanting to be lonely, let’s encourage them in those pursuits.

The scriptures are actually overflowing with examples of such close same-sex friendships. Recall the story of two recently widowed women who opted to move in as roommates as Ruth said to Naomi, “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.” (Ruth 1:16).

Consider the relationship between Jonathan and David, which was incredibly close and described thus in 1 Samuel 18:1-4:

And it came to pass… that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

And Saul took him that day, and would let him go no more home to his father’s house.

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.

This relationship was so close they even formed a “covenant” between them, denoting some formal commitment of their friendship. Further examples are plentiful. Alma and Amulek; Mary and Martha; Joseph and Hyrum. Notable also is the relationship between Jesus Christ and John, referred to as “the Beloved” because of the closeness of his personal friendship with the Savior, and who leaned on the Savior’s breast during the last supper.

Perhaps these stories serve as a reminder to all of us that non-marital relationships, more commonly referred to as friendships, are important and have value. We hear a lot of emphasis on the importance of marriage, but perhaps not enough on the importance of other friendships. The Lord wants us to have and make friends. The singles who stay that I know personally seem to understand the value and power of friendship deeper than most people I know. They’ve come to truly understand that power and I’ve learned a lot from them and their example.

Of course, not all people in this category stay there forever. For some, the dream of marriage eventually works out. Others choose to marry someone of the same gender and either leave the Church entirely or remain but outside of covenants. That too is a topic I’ve reflected a lot upon and will save for part two in this series.

On a final note, I’d like to point out that while many of these members find themselves “waiting on a miracle,” they are not constantly beleaguered by sadness. My friends would definitely give me some reproach if I made it sound like they are eternally depressed. Indeed, they are among the happiest people I know. They so often radiate joy, and that joy comes from their grounding in the gospel, as one of them reminded me very vividly just last night. To all of you who are single but stay, I send you my love, my respect, and my support. I love you.

P.S. If you regularly follow the blog, you’ve probably noticed that my consistency in posting has not been great. I’m a busy dad. So don’t expect parts two and three to come out right away. It’s all written loosely in my head, but getting it written down takes time. Thanks for your patience!

The Paradox of Joy and Emotional Health (2 Nephi 2:25)

I knew that trying to begin blogging again as a full-time working husband and father of three with a heavy Church calling would be difficult and inconsistent. My summer was particularly busy, so my blogging fell by the wayside. But I haven’t given up and hope to still post a few more times this year.

I’m currently a facilitator for a weekly Emotional Resilience class offered through the Church’s self-reliance program. My wife and I took this class together in one of the first beta groups last year and got a lot of value out of it. In fact, it was one of the first catalysts in my taking the steps to move forward this year past many of the problems I’d been letting grow as outline in my posts earlier this year. In preparation for the class to begin, the bishopric in my ward asked my to speak in sacrament about mental and emotional health and to mention the class a resource for members. This blog post is adapted from the ideas I expressed in that talk. I don’t write down talks before I give them; I’ve found I give better talks when I just study the topic in depth and then speak by the Spirit, armed with some tabbed scriptures or quotes I know I’m likely to draw on. The advantage of writing this down on the blog is that I have more liberty to give the “director’s cut” without the time constraints of sacrament meeting, so I can share more.

I love studying paradoxes. Unraveling a surprising or difficult intentional contradiction is very satisfying. The scriptures are full of paradoxes, intentionally set up to make us think. An easy and well-known example of a scriptural paradox comes from the Sermon on the Mount when Christ counsels His followers to do good deeds “not… to be seen of men,” but rather “in secret” so that not even our other left hand will know what the right is doing (see Matthew 6:2-4). And yet, only a couple minutes earlier in the same discourse He told them let their light shine by acting so that men “may see your good works” (see Matthew 5:15-16). The key to this very blatant paradox is, of course, intent. He enjoins the shining of our light for the motive of glorifying the Father to lead others to them, while shunning the motive of doing so just to be seen ourselves.

A more complex scriptural paradox is wrapped up in a short but oft-quoted verse in the Book of Mormon. Second Nephi 2:25 states, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” This may not sound immediately like a paradox, but when we think about the two phrases independently, we realize how contradictory this statement can seem.

Let’s start with the first phrase, “Adam fell that men might be.” In many a Sunday School class I’ve heard discussion of this part of the verse focus on Adam and his choice in the garden of Eden. But while that is an important event worth studying, this verse isn’t actually about the man who fell, but about the fall itself. The fall did not just affect Adam and Eve. It affected the world itself and all of us who have come after them. We are all born into a fallen state in a fallen world. It is interesting that this lens reminds us that the fall was not a punishment because we know from other scriptures and notably the second Article of Faith that we are only punished for our own sins, and not Adam’s transgression. Therefore, any consequence of his choice that affects us is clearly not a punishment.

So, the fall is not a punishment; that’s great in theory, but it still can seem like one as we comprehend what the fall really IS. It was the introduction of nearly all forms of hardship into the world. It disrupted the peace of Eden with a natural world constantly at war or filled with dangers. Notably, it also meant a change to the physical bodies of mankind: we would now be prone to sickness, pain, and ultimately death. Adam fell to bring this state of affairs into the world, which was apparently necessary “that men might be.”

Let’s switch to the second clause now for a moment: “men are, that they might have joy.” I wish to clarify an occasional misconception often raised by this verse. It is not a “commandment to be happy.” It isn’t actually a commandment at all, but a statement of what we are working towards. When we interpret this as a commandment, we can draw dangerous conclusions. Notably, we may begin to believe that when we are not happy for any reason that it is because we have done something wrong or are somehow less worthy. God doesn’t have a vendetta against sadness or any other feeling. We know from countless scriptures that He feels those feelings too. In fact, we famously read that “Jesus wept” when he heard the news of Lazarus’ death, even though He already know he was going to raise Lazarus from the grave. So “having joy” does not preclude feeling a full range of emotion, because joy is not the same thing as happiness. I’ve come to understand joy in the scriptural sense as a state of spiritual and emotional completeness. It certainly contains great happiness, but also means we appropriately feel and can control all feelings rather than being controlled by them.

So herein lies the paradox. In light of our understanding of its phrases, we can restate the verse in a more verbose manner thus: In order for us to fulfill our purpose of obtaining joy, we had to pass from the paradisiacal Eden to the imperfect, pain-filled world of noxious weeds, thorns, and thistles, whilst inhabiting a fallen body subject to a profane, untamed natural man. We had to relinquish a seeming pinnacle of happiness in order to ultimately attain joy. We’ve already unraveled some of the paradox by better understanding what joy is—and that full completeness of spirit and emotion could not have been attained in the innocence of Eden.

Recognizing and then comprehending this paradox reveals some deep truths, specifically that out mortal trials are absolutely essential. So essential, in fact, that God would never do us the disservice of taking them all away from us, for in Eden we can’t find true joy. He does, however, help us learn to overcome of better carry those trials.

Specifically regarding the subject of emotional and mental health, the Lord, by way of the Fall, has given EVERYONE a challenge, though it is greater for some than others. The experience of emotion is a complicated dance between body and spirit which together constitute “the soul of man” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:15). We know enough from the relatively light scriptural insight into the pre-mortal realm to know that we experienced emotions of both happiness (see Job 38:7) and sadness (Isaiah 14:12) and assumedly other emotions as well with only spirit bodies. And yet, we also know that our bodies have built-in systems of hormones and receptors which regulate how we experience those emotions, using chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. This is an essential part of a physical body, intended to work in this manner to enhance how we experience and process our emotions and feelings in order to be more like God, who also has a physical body. However, it also means we can be vulnerable to being controlled by the natural man and vice versa.

Because of the conditions of the fall, these physical systems are imperfect and untamed, even when they are functioning completely “normal” from a medical perspective. The natural man has man has been “an enemy of God” since “the fall of Adam,” and it lives in every one of us (see Mosiah 3:19). We are prone to uncontrolled anger, fear, and other emotions that can cause us to act against God even if nothing is wrong with our physical systems for emotional processing. Of course, sometimes our physical systems can be compromised. This may be obvious in the case of a broken leg, but often less so in the case of a broken serotonin receptor. And because we sometimes believe in the nonexistent “commandment to be happy” we may be prone to treating a physical condition as if it is a sign of spiritual failing, which will definitely enhance depression rather than solve it.

We thus have two main reasons we may face emotional or mental instability in this life at different times:

1.       The natural man not being made to “yield.” This will be experienced by EVERYONE at different points during their life.

2.       Actual physical problems affecting the emotional processing systems in our bodies, which will affect some people but not everyone.

There are a variety of options to address both of the above root causes. Sadly I’ve seen sometimes in the Church a strong cultural resistance to therapy or medical solutions, even to the second cause. If you broke a bone, nobody would find it unacceptable to go to the doctor and seek help. But for some reason getting help for our emotional systems, some of which may on occasion be only reparable with medication, is seen as taboo. There is a tendency to think a cast for broken bones but prayers for broken feelings. This makes no sense, and according to Brigham Young, it’s also poor doctrine. People would often come to him seeking a blessing for various ailments and he would always first ask if they’d seen a doctor for the problem. If they answered “no” because they simply wanted to be healed by faith, then he would refrain from giving them a blessing, stating, “That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.”

I’ve learned a lot this year about the importance of mental and emotional health and the healing journey has been remarkable. I’ve begun experiencing greater measures of joy as I’ve attended therapy and gotten help. It has strengthened me spiritually. I know that God truly desires to give us, as he states in Second Timothy 2:7, “power, love, and a sound mind.” We do that by working through and learning from our trials rather than asking them to be taken away from us. Remember, Adam gave up Eden so that you could have your trials! And with those trials we can ultimately cause that natural man to “become a saint” and find our fulness of joy.

I hope that if you are experiencing an emotional or mental health challenge, whether caused by spiritual or physical problems, that you are also able to seek and get the help you need. There are some great resources in the Emotional Resilience class materials the Church has produced, which you can access by following the link below. From there, you can download the PDF to get the manual; it also contains links to all the videos used in the course.

Emotional Resilience (churchofjesuschrist.org)

Help Thou Mine Unbelief (Mark 9:24)

Nearly twelve years ago, shortly after I returned home from my mission, I moved in with my grandmother to provide some live-in caregiving and have a free place to stay as I prepared to start attending BYU. She loved to watch movies in the evenings and I did a lot of catching up on movies I’d missed while on my mission while I was there. One evening my uncle stopped by with a movie I had not heard and he insisted we needed to watch it. The film was “Doubt” starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman. It tells the story of a nun (played by Streep) who suspects that the new Father in their parish (Hoffman) is sexually abusing some of the altar boys. In the end she fights to get him reassigned based entirely on her conviction and circumstantial evidence. At the end she delivers a heart-wrenching monologue to another nun (Amy Adams) questioning whether she’s done the right thing and sobs that she has “such doubts.” The film notably does not ever really let you know whether he was in fact guilty, because that wasn’t the point. The point of the story was a woman’s efforts to act with conviction to do what she truly believed was right in the face of doubt. It was for me a poignant film that spoke highly to one of my great struggles: that of doubt.

Back in February when I was disclosing my transgressions of the last few years to my Bishop, he said something that resonated deeply with me. He explained that just as I should always expect the possibility that I will be attracted to men my whole life, I will similarly always experience the trial of doubt, and will have to navigate that trial and make choices despite the pressure of that trial. This was actually very eye-opening to me and immediately struck me as true. It’s interesting that I have settled to a point of calm with my attraction to men for nearly a decade now. But I have never thought of doubt in that same way as something I will simply continue to experience and need to plan for the long haul. And yes, I know some of you are thinking that if I really was at peace with my attractions, why did I do the things I did these last few years? But truthfully, my actions weren’t because of my attractions; sure, those influenced the flavor, so to speak, of the transgressions, but the choices themselves were more a crisis of both unresolved trauma requiring therapy and of a crisis of faith caused by unchecked doubt.

Two posts ago I explained a lot more of the details of my various transgressions over the last few years, and explained how I came to understand what the scriptures refer to as being a “double-minded man.” After explaining at length in that post what that means, I wanted to follow-up and counter with what it isn’t. Being double-minded doesn’t mean having conflicting feelings, thoughts, inclinations, or temptations. Double-minded is when we actively try to live both of those things or try to give place for both sides. In fact, only minutes after publishing that post in late March, I read this quote from an excellent interview with three historians on the Joseph Smith Papers Project, regarding those who struggle with questions:

A friend of mine gave this advice. If you have two beliefs in your mind that appear to be contradictory, you can allow them to coexist. For example, you may have a spiritual witness of the Book of Mormon that led you to become converted to the church, and at the same time you may have questions or doubts about some aspect of church history. It is totally compatible to have a testimony of the gospel and the Restoration while having questions or confusion about some aspects of the history. Questions and doubts are natural. Turn to the Lord in humility and be patient as you wait for his help and his answers. Seek, seek, seek, and wait, wait, wait for answers. Don’t stop doing the spiritual things while you are seeking and waiting. Sometimes the answer is to be at peace with something even though you don’t understand it. The answers and comfort and peace you seek will come, and they will come through the Spirit. I know many people whose testimonies became stronger after periods of doubt and uncertainty.

Note that second sentence. You CAN have two contradictory beliefs without resolution and I don’t think this makes you “double-minded” in the sense I was describing. Once again, double-mindedness occurs when we try to ACT in contradictory ways and live two conflicting realities—a way of living I became quite familiar with.

I have for years carried great guilt and shame for my doubts. I now realize that my doubts are no more reason for guilt or shame than my attraction to men, my love for chocolate, or my penchant for music by Rachmaninoff. These are all things I experience, and they CAN influence my decision-making, some for better, some for worse, and some for neutral. But it’s the choices that matter. I gave a lot of place to grow and entertain and act upon my doubts. That was my choice, and I am responsible for those choices. But having doubt is simply part of my nature.

I think some confusion on this matter comes from how some scriptures are worded, which may require a distinguishing of how the same terminology can be meant in different ways. For example, Doctrine & Covenants 6:36 says, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” We are here commanded not to doubt, which can certainly lead to feelings of shame or guilt when we inevitably experience doubts. But I think this scripture, like any scripture that is commandment, is still speaking only to our choices. Maybe I’m pulling at semantic straws here, but I think there is big difference between experiencing doubt and choosing actively to doubt. And I’m kind of an authority on the subject because I’ve experienced a lot of both! I don’t think the Lord condemns us for our doubts, but He may chasten us for what we choose to do with them. We can choose to reach to Him when we doubt. Two stories from the New Testament illustrate this principle well.

In Mark chapter nine, we read of a desperate father with a child overcome with “a dumb spirit” and seemingly from the description, perhaps several medical maladies of various sorts. He loves his son and has tried many things to help him for years. In desperation he has already come to the disciples, who have been unsuccessful in helping him. He now has come directly to Jesus to petition for relief. Christ counsels him in verse 23, “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.” Without hesitation (“straightaway” in the scriptural parlance) the father in verse 24 “cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” The Lord then heals the man’s son. The man in the story acknowledged his doubts. But he has clearly acted in faith, trying repeatedly for years to seek healing for his son. He has held onto his faith after repeatedly pleading and seeing no miracles yet through all that time. When even the Savior’s disciples, who by then already had their own reputations as miracle-workers, could also not cure him, he had every reason to give into those doubts. But he acted in faith. He cried out, with tears, for the Lord to bless him for whatever faith he could muster and fill in the gaps where his faith fell short. And the Lord blessed him for acting in faith rather than rebuking him for experiencing doubt.

On another particularly famous occasion, as recorded in Matthew chapter fourteen, Christ’s apostles are struggling in a boat without him amidst a storm. They’ve already seen him calm a storm previously, but now they are without him as they cross the sea of Galilee and fear for their lives. Just then they see him, miraculously, walking across the water towards them. His bold chief apostle Peter immediately asks permission to do the same. As we know, he walks a few steps and then, seeing the “boisterous wind” begins to sink in his fear. He immediately cries out for the Lord to save him, and the Lord does so. When I hear people recount this story a lot of emphasis is often placed on Peter’s doubt, as if to hold him up as a bad example of faith. But I would ask, how many other disciples even got out of the boat? Peter’s faith let him walk on water. He DID doubt, but even when he did, his immediate response was to call out to the Lord for help. What a wonderful example and spiritual victory! The point of the story, to me, is not that Peter doubted, but that he acted in faith and when confronted with doubt, he called on the Lord for help. We will all experience doubt, and when we call on the Lord to help us amidst those doubts, he will do so instead of letting us drown because we doubted.

Interestingly, and as an echo to the counsel my bishop gave me, it seems Peter continued to struggle with doubt his whole life as well. There are several instances which show glimpses of that doubt during the Savior’s ministry, but even long after when Peter has been leading the Church for a decade, we read in Acts 10:17 that Peter continued to face doubts, even in the moments after receiving glorious visions from on high. Peter was a man who faced doubts and acted in faith and it seems abundantly clear that the Lord is very pleased with his ministry and the bold acts of faith he made despite being someone who chronically experienced doubt. His sometimes-great doubts coexisted with his faith—a faith mighty enough to walk on water. I experience the comingling of doubt and faith every day.

So, having established that the experience of doubt does not condemn us, we turn now to the choices which can. May I offer some terminology to clarify this distinction? The doubt in these two stories I would term passive doubt: a condition which we deal with wherein we naturally will experience doubt while in mortality, and which may coexist with mighty faith. A second term would be active doubt: when we choose to act in doubt rather than acting in faith. This can be in subtle ways we entertain those doubts and begin spending time trying to align our beliefs more with our doubts than our faith. In can be in more flagrant ways, such as using our doubts as justification for our behaviors of unfaithfulness to our spouse. This is the form of doubt which we are counseled against when told to “doubt not, fear not.”

While studying references related to doubt, I was initially surprised to see a passage I’ve actually considered to be a hallmark scripture on faith listed in the Topical Guide under “Doubt.” In fact, I referenced this scripture in my last post to demonstrate how the scriptures build faith. But, sure enough, there is in the middle of the verse, a warning about active doubt. The verse is Alma 32:28, which reads (with my emphasis):

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

In the middle we see a caution to not cast the seed out because of our unbelief or doubt. In doing so we “resist” the Lord. He sends us His Spirit and the scriptures to entice us towards doing what is right. Active doubt tries to build a defense system against those spiritual pulls. Sometimes we WANT our doubts to win, so that we don’t have to accept the harder parts of the gospel. I certainly have been there. And of course, the sad result of doing so is missing out on the “delicious” fruit of the gospel which grows when we act in faith instead, even if the best we can do to act in faith is to cry out for help when the doubt seems too great, even as Peter and the afflicted boy’s father did.

Active doubt is, of course, self-sustaining. When we act in doubt, we breed greater doubt. And acting against the commandments naturally breeds doubt as our brains have to grab a life raft of justification to keep from being crushed under a blanket of cognitive dissonance. The Lord warns us of this in Deuteronomy, a book which serves as the Lord’s ancient dissertation on faithfulness to covenant life. In chapter 28 we are warned of the effects and natural consequences of sin. Among those consequences, we are warned in verse 66 that our lives will “hang in doubt” when we turn away from the Lord. So active doubt breeds sin breeds more doubt.

The great turning point of regaining my testimony this year after years of repeating that cycle of active doubt began when in desperation I prayed privately for the Lord to help me feel my faith, or in other words, to help me in mine unbelief. Reflecting back on this consequential prayer I offered five months ago, I note that I did not find myself praying for relief from sexual addiction or temptation. I was praying for faith amidst doubt and to feel the influence of the Spirit which I had cast out and resisted, and that is what helped everything start to turn for me. I still experience doubts. Some days they are small and some days they seem mighty and overwhelming. But I am choosing faith, because I also experience faith. Some days it seems small and some days it feels mighty and empowering. But I’m learning to not condemn myself for the current status of my mix of faith and passive doubt. I am choosing to act in faith and leave active doubt behind, and it has begun to be delicious to me. I feel the Lord offering the miracle of spiritual healing and pulling me from the depths of the sea before I drown. And those witnesses are building my faith. The overall trajectory is upwards, even if there is some oscillation along the way. And I have hope that through Christ I will continue to conquer my doubts through controlling them, even if I recognize that they will be with me for the long run.

--Obadiah

Sword and Lamp, Bread and Rain, Rod and Seed (D&C 14:2)

In the descriptive paragraph atop this blog, I define it as the story of my relationship with the scriptures. As I’ve been tracing “what went wrong” (see the last two posts if you haven’t already) in recent years, one of the clearest causes I’ve identified was letting my personal scripture study fall by the wayside. One of the great joys of my repentance has been a new courtship with the scriptures, and so far, we’ve had some really great dates!

I’ve tried hard to study the weekly “Come,Follow Me” chapters each week, as well as some conference talks and personal topical study. The first week I started really re-committing to a never-miss-a-day habit of scripture study back in February, the “Come, Follow Me” chapters for the week included Doctrine and Covenants 14, and a study activity in that week’s personal study outline included a list of cross references for verse 2, which compares the scriptures to a sword. Each cross reference lists another metaphor for the scriptures. It was a delightfully appropriate thing to focus on as I rebooted my scripture study habit and explored how I want to use the scriptures going forward. I’d like to share some of the insights I gained from that activity.

The initial verse the activity references from the reading block, as mentioned, is Doctrine and Covenants 14:2, which says:

Behold, I am God; give heed to my word, which is quick and powerful, sharper than a two-edged sword, to the dividing asunder of both joints and marrow; therefore give heed unto my word.

This initial metaphor makes the scriptures sound almost menacing at a first glance. But looking at each descriptive word used here, I think we see a different message:

• The Word is QUICK: It creates change, and does so rapidly, as soon as we humbly receive it. I’ve distinctly noticed a rapid, incredible change in my life over the last two months as I’ve re-immersed myself in the scriptures each day. 
• The Word is POWERFUL: It facilitates MIGHTY change. In other passages the Lord specifically points to the scriptures as one of the great conduits to unlock the blessings of the Atonement in our lives. How much more powerful could it get than that?
• The Word is SHARP: Like a sword diving joints and marrow, the scriptures divide between good and evil. It can be painful to receive the truths when they cause us discomfort! It is not something to be taken lightly.

The Word as a Sword is not meant as a threat—though it contains a warning to give respect. It is a reminder of the immense power of the scriptures to change our lives if we allow it to pierce our hearts.

Following is a collection of the additional insights I gained about the scriptures by reading the other references in the “Come, Follow Me” activity:

Psalm 119:105 reads:

                Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

A favorite religion professor at BYU used to tell me, “A psalm a day keeps the devil away, so if every day you read a psalm while eating an apple, you can go all day without seeing any doctors or lawyers!” All joking aside, the psalms truly are beautiful and number 119 is one of the greatest (as a child randomly perusing the scriptures during sacrament meetings, I loved looking through that one just because it has the letters of the Hebrew alphabet listed throughout, and I thought they looked cool).

I love the imagery in this line. The Word is a lamp to our FEET. It is a guidance system, showing us which way to walk. It often isn’t going to show us everything—just enough to help us move forward a bit in the right direction. Sometimes we may be left a little confused because we don’t have enough light to see the whole journey.

Isaiah 55:10-11 reads:

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Matthew 4:4 reads:

But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

These two passages both speak of God’s Word as nourishment. Isaiah compares it to rain that nourishes the land, while the passage from Matthew compares it to bread that nourishes the body. Isaiah’s comparison mentions that God expects a return on His investment when He sends the rain, and so with us and the scriptures. He sends them to grow our souls. We recently had a Family Night lesson with our children where we compared our testimonies to plants. We don’t have a particularly great track record with house plants, and some of them often look pretty scraggly. But some are very resilient, and even if pieces of them die, they can usually be nourished back to health. The longer we go without adding the water of God’s word consistently to our testimonies, the weaker they get. But as soon as we begin watering again, we revive and nourish the plant.

The bread analogy also in instructive in its phrasing, that by the Word of God we LIVE. Our whole lives our made better by studying the scriptures. It doesn’t just nourish our testimonies. Our marriage, our self-worth, even our skills and talents can all be improved upon when we take time each day to feast upon the Bread of Life.

First Nephi 15:23-24 reads:

And they said unto me: What meaneth the rod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree?

And I said unto them that it was the word of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction.

Alma 32:28 reads:

Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

Here we see two particularly famous analogies from the Book of Mormon. In the first, perhaps the most famous comparison in Latter-day Saint theology, we have a comparison reminiscent of the lamp in Psalm 119: it is a guidance system, but not one which shows us the entire path, just enough for us to rely on one step at a time. Much has been spoken previously and talks have been given about the differences in results for those who never grabbed the rod, versus those who merely were “clinging” to the rod, versus those who were “continually holding fast.” I have seen that difference keenly in recent years. I’ve seen how reading your scriptures is better than not reading, but better still is studying them. The difference is a matter of intent, of effort, and perhaps approach.

The second analogy here, from Alma, connects to the earlier nourishment analogies, but here the formula is flipped: the Word is the seed and WE have to nourish it to let it grow within us. And of course we see and feel the true growth of ourselves as we do. But, like the rod analogy, there is a suggestion here of effort needed. As a poor graveyard of dead houseplants that have entered the doors of our home can testify, plants need constant care, not just casual appreciation.

If you are looking to increase your scripture study, the best advice I can possibly give is to keep a study journal. A wise seminary teacher told me, “your pen is your lightning rod for inspiration!” I have found this to be remarkably true. When I approach the scriptures with journal and pen in hand and write the date at the top before I begin, it’s like I’m telling the Lord, “I am read to receive, so please send me something!” I then just start writing down my reactions to what I’m reading and sometimes learn a lot more that way. On occasion, I even find this is the best way to unlock spiritual moments of true revelation while studying. Deep moments like that won’t happen every time you study with a journal, but I’ve rarely ever had them happen without.

I’m happy to say that for two months as of today I haven’t missed a day of at least reading the scriptures, and most of those days it has been real studying. That’s the longest streak I’ve had in years, and so far just in these two months I’ve seen incredible healing, on par with that received through therapy, connection, and other parts of my repentance process. And, of course, that makes sense: the scriptures are a direct conduit to the power of the Atonement with its transformative power.

A Double-minded Man (James 1:8)

 

In my last post I spoke heavily about repentance, and lightly about the mistakes I’ve made in recent years which facilitated that repentance. Tonight, I will be delving a bit more into some of my specific transgressions. And I don’t believe it is necessary to focus overwhelmingly on our mistakes, but taking some time to carefully reflect can teach us a lot about ourselves and how we can improve. This is my purpose here. I won’t be sharing any explicit sexual detail, but I want to issue a trigger warning for those who may have a hard time with either memories of their own past mistakes, or for spouses who have experienced what is termed “betrayal trauma,” so please decide if it’s best for you to continue reading.

As I’ve considered my mistakes from the last few years, I’ve been stunned to confront many of my weaknesses, and more shocking to me than my violations of chastity have been my violations of honesty and integrity. For this reason, as I’ve been repenting and rehabilitating this year, I’ve devoted some of my scripture study to a topical study of these subjects. I’ve been reading through the list of scriptures listed under these headers in the Topical Guide of the Latter-day Saint edition of the Scriptures. Under “Integrity” one verse has stood out the most to me, despite not mentioning the actual word at all. This brief one-liner from James 1:8 says the following:

                “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.”

I described in part in my last post that I often felt divided, like two different people in the same body. There was the good guy and bad guy each acting very separately. And yet I really was just one person, divided in half. This verse is an adequate description of my life during that time. Allow me to illustrate by sharing a deeper look at the erotic encounter I briefly alluded to last time.

In June of 2019, I traveled for work to attend a multi-day conference in another state. By this time, I had already escalated from merely pornographic internet use to chatting with a wide variety of men secretly online with a fake account. One who I had connected with lived in the city I was travelling to. He was actually a very nice person; not just some stereotypical internet connection looking for quick sex (though that was more what I was looking for). In fact, he made it very clear that he’d love to meet up with me and would do a lot of things with me, but didn’t want to have full sex the first time he met with someone. And so, during the second night of my trip he came to my hotel room and we talked, touched, and then did a lot of other things. After we were done I wrote him a single email telling him it was best if we didn’t take things any further and we never communicated ever again.

It’s difficult for me to write what I just shared. It’s even more difficult for me write or even comprehend what happened just before he arrived. Ten minutes before he got to my hotel room I got off the phone with my wife, during which call we had said a nightly prayer together and told each other we loved each other, and I said I was really tired and looking forward to going right to bed. Throughout the call I’d also been admiring an adorable drawing/note my oldest child had snuck into my suitcase to cheer me up so I, to quote the note, wouldn’t “be lonely.” After the phone call was over, I quickly hid the drawing and my wedding ring in a drawer so that my visitor wouldn’t figure out that I was married or had children. I then changed out of my garments.

And here’s the kicker: in both my interactions with my wife and this man I felt completely honest at the time. I wasn’t lying when I told my wife I loved her or how much she meant to me. I felt and meant it every time I said it. We’ve had a happy marriage; not a perfect marriage, but a very happy and fulfilling one. We were not going through any rough trial in our relationship at the time. I was living a happy married life, but also on the side living a disconnected second life where I also meant the things I said to this other man. I’ve spent the last few years as a double-minded man and see how thoroughly unstable I’ve been in all my ways as a result. In fact, after the man left my hotel room, I had basically a complete mental breakdown that lasted for several hours.

Living two different lives, even if both seem somehow “true”, is still 100% dishonest. The process of disclosing to my wife and bishop has caused a large curtain of division in my mind to come crashing down and the two sides are being integrated. This has clearly shown me just how unstable I had become. But I’ve felt more stable and certain and peaceful in recent weeks since confessing than I have in a long time. Many fears have departed and I feel I have more stability and control than I ever have, though there is still much to mentally resolve.

It is also interesting that the verse I’ve referenced here immediately follows the famous verses in the first chapter of James which prompted Joseph Smith to pray and receive the First Vision. It is James’ follow-up verse to his discussion on what he means by “nothing wavering” when we ask in Faith. I think he’s saying you can’t really ask of God with nothing wavering if you are a “double-minded man,” and therefore according to verse 7, you have no promise of getting a valid response. No wonder many of my prayers felt so empty during the last few years: I was a double-minded man. My prayers have felt so much more present and blessed since coming clean.

When I really find myself fixated on a verse of scripture, I often like to spend time exploring all the cross-references given. There are three additional verses referenced in the footnote of James 1:8 under the word “double-minded,” and each sheds a little more light on the subject. The first is in 1 Kings 18:21, and says:

“And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the Lord be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word.”

These are the words of Elijah as he begins his famous contest with the priests of Baal, wherein he mocks them for a day before calling down fire from heaven to prove the reality of Jehovah as greater than their fake and feeble deity. For three years I was trying to make sacrifices at both altars, thinking I could have both lives. But you can’t. Sooner or later we all have to make a choice because, remember, being double-minded is inherently unstable in every way. You either have to choose, or let things collapse. I also felt when I read this verse that unlike the sheepish audience of spectators who “answered him not a word,” I need to be more vocal in declaring that I choose the side of the Lord. This was actually one of the verses where I felt prompted to take up blogging again.

The next footnote reference is Psalm 12:2, which reads:

“They speak vanity every one with his neighbour: with flattering lips and with a double heart do they speak.”

There’s so much to unpack in this verse for me. I wrote a hefty amount in my journal about this one. So much that I might have to share more in another post. The short version is this: I am a people pleaser. It’s part of my personality to want to give others what they want and not disappoint them. This actually played into a lot of the escalation of my online behavior over the last few years. In reading verses like this in the past, I’ve always seen it as a warning to not be led astray by those who try to flatter you into doing what’s wrong. This time it hit me strongly that I was being warned to not be the person with the double heart speaking vanity to my neighbor, and I am naturally prone to being that person. Once again, I’m probably going to expand on this one more in the future.

The final reference is from the book of Hosea, which, you may remember, begins with a beautiful lesson of God’s redemption and forgiveness told through the story of an unfaithful spouse. This reference, however, is from later in the book. Chapter 10 verse 2 says:

“Their heart is divided; now shall they be found faulty: he shall break down their altars, he shall spoil their images.”

If our hearts are divided, we are found “faulty.” If unfixed, we stand the risk of being completely broken down alongside our false altars and spoiled images. And that is where this verse speaks to the very core of integrity, a word we’ve used to refer to moral honesty that holds up even when nobody else is around, but which primarily refers to wholeness or completeness. For example, if you’re a Star Trek fan like I am, you know that when Captain Janeway gets a report from Ensign Kim about Voyager’s “Hull Integrity,” she’s not asking whether the ship is telling lies—she wants to know how close the ship is to breaking into more than one piece! Being “double-minded,” or having a “divided heart” means we lack wholeness.

Growing in integrity means becoming SINGLE-minded, but focused on the right thing: once we stop being halted between our two opinions, we need to choose Jehovah, not Baal! As other scriptures say, we must keep our “eye single to the glory of God.” And that is easier said than done. So many things vie for our attention. And Satan sneaks in not by trying to make us choose between good or evil, but by making us believe we can somehow have both. And for a while you may think you can; but ultimately you discover that being double-minded is truly unstable in all ways.

Confused at the Grace (Hymn 193)

I started my blog nearly ten years ago as I began coming to terms with my sexuality. It has now been over seven years since I updated it. The blog always served two purposes: (1) to act as a personal cathartic channel for my feelings as I navigated that period of my life, and (2) to share my feelings so that others in a similar situation would know they are not alone. By the time I quit blogging, the first reason had faded away quite distinctly: I had found a sense of peace and balance and no longer struggled as much with internal conflict. I was happy. The second reason remained, but I figured my blog was still there for people to access if they wanted to hear the story, and life became very busy after I graduated BYU and got a real job. Then I became a father and life got even busier. Several times I thought of blogging again, but it just didn’t rise high enough in the priority chain.

So why am I back? A lot has happened since then and I’ve been coming through what I’d label a “second period of crisis” regarding my sexual and spiritual identities. As I have, I’ve seen both of those main reasons for blogging come back to life: I am working through difficult feelings again, and also have new experiences and insights I feel are worth sharing so that others may feel a little less alone. However, I also think my approach is going to be different this time, in a few key ways I’ll describe later on. First, let me explain a little more about what has brought me to the point where I’m at.

As mentioned above, since my last post I graduated from BYU and got a really awesome job that brought me out of Utah and into Texas, where we’ve lived since 2014. In 2015 we had our first child and being a father has just been the most incredible experience: so challenging, so rewarding. We’ve had two more children since then, in 2017 and 2019 respectively. With each child both the challenges and rewards have increased. I imagine that reflections on parenting and becoming the parent I want to be may be featured here moving forward, but it wasn’t parenting that brought me back to the blog.

Starting in the latter half of 2017, a period of depression combined with a spiritual malaise led to me resurrecting some old bad habits, beginning with browsing homo-erotic stories online. I had let many important gospel habits grow stale, especially consistent personal scripture study and meaningful personal praying as opposed to just “saying prayers.” I also had just grown busy and exhausted, and on top of it all, I simply felt like I had not felt the Spirit in a very long time. This was the beginning of a break in my testimony as I was giving a lot of room to my doubts, but not doing much to help my belief.

From 2018 onward, things escalated to gradually worse and worse mistakes. I’m not intending to explore all the details in this post, though I do plan to share a bit more in future posts, not because I think we all need to air our transgressions or place a lot of focus on them, but because some greater detail may be necessary context for some of the lessons I’ve learned, and some details may also help someone else caught in the same problems. I don’t plan on giving any explicit details. The two main things I’ll share briefly now are these: lots of online chatting with other gay men online, and an erotic (though not fully sexual) in-person encounter with a man in 2019. For today’s post that’s all you need to know for context, but what I really want to share is how everything has changed for the better in my life recently.

During the first two months of 2020, I began curiously growing in two different directions. The misbehaving side was actively seeking another experience with a man. But at the same time, a recent move to a new house made it easier for me to begin taking public transportation to work each day, and I began using that time to restart the habit of studying my scriptures. With that, I felt like my testimony became reawakened, even if slightly. The result was a lot of conflict. I could sense things building to a breaking point. And then the COVID-19 pandemic began and locked the world down. This had the positive effect of spoiling some plans I’d had to meet up with another man. But it also crushed my newly regained scripture study habit as working from home changed my schedule and removed the need to use public transportation. So the building conflict was for a time tamped down into a period of spiritual limbo.

During the years since I last blogged, I remained a member of the North Star Facebook group for Same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints, but just as my blogging had fallen off, so had my active participation there. But I did occasionally see posts from others and on rare occasions even commented on them. Shortly after the pandemic began, I saw a post in my feed from a man asking if there were others in the same area of Texas I live in within the group. In the previous few years I may have ignored and moved on, but this time I decided to throw my name onto his post. This resulted in a friend request from this same individual and one other. I chatted briefly with each of them via Facebook Messenger and we got to know each other at a high, superficial level. One of them (I’ll refer to him hereafter in this post as “X”) invited me to join a local in-person SSA men’s support group (temporarily virtual at the time due to COVID) that met every other week that had made a big difference for him.  I politely declined at the time, saying (laughably dishonestly), that I was good and was really at a stable place with my attractions and didn’t really need that at the time. This really would have been a true statement for the period of 2013-2017, but clearly by this point things had spun out of control and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that I needed help.

Later that year, I had a few very brief but powerful spiritual experiences that gave me these short but bright glimpses into the faith I had once had but felt disconnected from. This did not equate to a true restoration of my testimony, but certainly gave me a stronger desire than I’d felt in years to get it back and feel the Spirit and the truth of the gospel the way I once had. I felt a great urgency about this, because even though I hadn’t met in person with another man due to the pandemic, some of my other bad online habits were beginning to escalate again. Near the end of last year, two important things happened. First, “X” invited me to the local group again, and this time I initially gave a more tentative response. Second, I offered a real prayer. I once had amazing, spiritual prayers, but hadn’t prayed that way in years. I tried to tap into that kind of prayer again. It wasn’t completely successful; I still didn’t feel the Spirit. But I felt so sincere in my pleadings, perhaps the most sincere I had ever prayed. I begged to be able to feel the Spirit again the way I once had, if not right away, then within the next day. Beautifully, the next day I had a brief instant, unexpectedly at a mundane moment, where I received a startlingly clear glimpse of how it had felt to know it was true. It seemed unprompted by any specific event and left as quickly as it came. But it gave me something to hold onto and keep moving forward, as if to say, “If you start making the right choices, this is how you could feel again.” As I pondered that moment and tried to decide what to do, one of the conclusions I reached, and even believed the Spirit was pushing me towards, was to reply to “X” and ask to begin participating in the group during 2021. Was I fully sure it was the Spirit telling me that at the time? No. But I decided that if what I wanted was to feel the Spirit, then if I even believed that maybe I was getting a prompting, I should listen.

So I replied and got the information for the first meeting of the year. I was put in contact with a member of the group (let’s call him “Z”) who would be hosting it at his house that week. “Z”, it turns out, worked in the same industry I did and was also married with kids, so we were able to quickly connect and become friends over our many shared interests and experiences. In fact, the group as a whole was filled with these very humble, very faithful men, each of whom had walked a difficult path. They were very welcoming. I had no idea what to expect in attending the first meeting. I thought maybe this was really just a loose get together of similar guys to talk or maybe, I dunno, play board games? Or something? What I got instead was essentially a faith-based group therapy session. And it was mind-opening. I was not the only first-time attendee that night, and to help the two new guys feel more comfortable, at the end of that first session another member shared his story with us. Out of respect for that group and the understanding of trust we have, I won’t ever be sharing specifics of what anyone discusses, but suffice it to say I was touched at a deep level by his courage.

When I first decided to go to the group, I was not intending to necessarily share everything I’d recently been going through. In fact, I really planned to just attend and learn and use it to help me spiritually improve so I could stop making the bad choices I’d been making, and never have to tell anyone. But it turns out it doesn’t work that way. Lasting change doesn’t happen shrouded in secrecy. The Lord knows the truth anyway, so if we pretend we needn’t confess, we are only lying to ourselves. For the first month or so, I simply became better friends with some of these men and started vaguely reaching out to “Z” when I was feeling tempted (or had just had a slip-up) to tell him I was feeling “spiritually low” and could use a lift. He was always ready to help supply that lift, and didn’t pry. He did, however, one day say basically that if I was dealing with something more than just “spiritual lowness” I could share with him and he’d be there to help without judgment. But he didn’t push. The more I saw the good examples of these other men and heard stories from several who’d gone through a proper repentance process, the more my dishonesty and years of secrets ate away at me.

Up to this point, I had been very vague with my wife as to why I suddenly wanted to start going to this group. She knew about my same sex attraction early on in our dating life and it really had not been something we had talked much about for years. I had also been very discreet in my misdeeds and had never given her reason to believe there was anything wrong. But at the beginning of the year I explained to her that going to the group was just something I felt I should do and she was very supportive, even if maybe a little confused. After my third group meeting, on February 11, I didn’t sleep all night. I was wrestling with the idea of telling my wife about everything. By the end of that night I had decided I would tell her… some things, so she’d know I was working through some addictions and trying to improve, but without telling her everything. So that Saturday, February 13, we were talking after the kids went to bed and I told her in rather vague terms that I had made some mistakes that I felt I needed to tell her about. I started to really break down at this point, and of course so did she a little, but she was very supportive at the same time. I told her I didn’t think I could tell her everything then, but that it was something we needed to talk about soon. (By the way, this is a very… unusual way to kick off Valentine’s day!)

That night I basically had a full mental and emotional breakdown. I cried most of the night. And of course, you can imagine my wife was left just wondering what terrible things I would be sharing. But I didn’t know how to proceed. I texted “Z” to tell him where I was at and that I needed to talk with him. The next morning we talked for a long time. He started by sharing more of his own personal experiences with me, and by the time he was done I knew that I couldn’t just confess part-way—I had to tell everything. So I started by telling him on that phone call. I sobbed my way through all the major things and then begged for help. He gave me some very clear and great advice about how to approach disclosure with your spouse. He also told me he was a great listening ear, but not a qualified counselor in these issues and that I needed to speak with a therapist before disclosing. I didn’t have a therapist. But “Z” did, and he actually had a session scheduled the next day which he immediately sacrificed so I could use his appointment instead. I had promised my wife that I would speak with her by Wednesday evening so she wasn’t left hanging too long. I spoke with the therapist on Tuesday evening and besides helping me work through some issues, he gave me some very critical advice for how to approach disclosing to my wife. With that advice fresh in my head, we decided to talk that evening.

Telling my wife what I’d done was the hardest thing I had done up to that point in my life. I was genuinely terrified that by the end, I would be at serious risk of losing my wife and my children. Others have lost their spouses for far less than I had done. Of course my wife was hurt, probably to a degree deeper than anything she has ever experienced. But she also made it clear that she planned to stay with me and help me out of the pit I’d dug. I was stunned, ashamed, grateful, devastated, and every other possible emotion at the same time. This was the beginning of a series of deep and meaningful conversations on a wide variety of subjects in recent weeks that have thoroughly strengthened our relationship and helped us find ways to improve our marriage.

The next day I began to thinking about the next major hurdle I needed to clear: telling my bishop. I needed this repentance to be complete, and I needed my wife to know that I wanted to be right with not only her, but the Lord. As an aside, if you paid attention to the news last month you may remember that this was the same week that Winter Storm Uri blanketed Texas in snow and caused multi-day catastrophic power outages. (We were incredibly blessed to never lose power, though many around us did; I think the Lord knew we could emotionally handle only so much that week). Anyway, while I was in the thought of talking to my bishop, he called me! Scared me to death. But he was calling just to ask if I could assist in checking on a few members of our ward affected by the power outages. I said yes, and did so, the whole while wondering if I should wait a while to tell my bishop until I’d calmed down more emotionally (these days I was crying at least hourly and was a complete mess). I texted “Z” to ask if he thought I should wait a while, or at least until talking to my therapist again. He gently suggested that the sooner I spoke with him the better. That night I called the Bishop again and asked if I could meet with him.

The next day I did the next hardest thing I’d ever done as I talked through everything with my bishop. It was nearly three hours. Three beautiful, healing hours. Just as I had after telling my wife, somehow I felt good at the end of the conversation. I felt a remarkable amount of mercy, instead of the condemnation I expected and felt I deserved. I have often found myself since then, as C.S. Lewis described it, “Surprised by Joy.” I’m shocked and confused at how quickly my life is getting better. Now make no mistake: I still have many conflicted emotions I’m struggling through and personal weaknesses to confront, but from that week forward my life has started to be filled with light again. And to a greater degree than ever before in my life, I’m beginning to understand the words of that beautiful and familiar hymn which say:

                I stand all amazed at the Love Jesus offers me,

                Confused at the GRACE that so fully he proffers me.

                I marvel to know that for ME, HE was crucified;

                That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.

                Oh, it is WONDERFUL, that He should care for me, enough to die for me!

I have much work to do and vital relationships to repair. But I have never before felt so empowered to overcome them. In the last three weeks I’ve seen so many unexpected blessings and felt so much love from various people I’ve spoken with, most particularly my extraordinary wife. Disclosing my transgressions suddenly has gotten us to talk about many things we couldn’t before. Our marriage is coming through this stronger now, not weaker. And that is the power of GRACE, or help from our Savior: divine help which is available as soon as we muster the courage and humility to accept it. It is remarkably efficacious, to a degree truly “confusing” as the hymn says. We have often grown to be so enthralled with justice that we cannot comprehend how much more powerful mercy is and how God doesn’t want to condemn any of His children: He wants to transform them. We must make the step to come, and that step can be terrifying. But I’ve recently learned that the blessings you receive for your repentance outweigh all pain and fear you may have of taking that step.

There is much more to tell, and still more that must happen as I work on becoming a better man. That will all come in future blog posts. But as I’ve reconsidered who I want to be, I’ve also reassessed this blog a bit. Now that I’ve returned, I’m going to be making a few changes:

·         Title change: When I started this blog, I was very clear about the fact that neither the terms “gay” nor “Mormon” were my first preference, but that they are the common terms people search for. My thoughts on “gay” haven’t changed much: not my preference but it doesn’t scare me (and I do use it sometimes to describe myself for the sake of convenience and brevity). However, my thoughts on the term “Mormon” have evolved more, especially in light of Pres. Nelson’s focus in recent years to more specifically avoid the term. I also think the scope of this blog may expand a bit beyond a pure focus on same-sex attraction, though, so I’ve also decided to drop the term “gay” and move to a more encompassing title of “Scriptural Insights from a Work-in-Progress Latter-day Saint.” (I recognize that the blog URL and contact email still contain both terms as of posting this, but those are more complicated to change and I’m still working on it.)

·         Greater authenticity: I’ve been reinventing my life lately on a deep level of honesty and authenticity, given the clear capacity for blatant dishonesty I’ve displayed the last few years. A decade ago, this blog was an important part of my coming to terms with many things, but it was NOT always authentic. While my thoughts on various scriptures were usually quite sincere and authentic, my description of my life and level of righteousness was NOT always. The earlier posts weren’t all a massive lie, but looking over things, I certainly white-washed a few details about myself and made myself look better than I was. For example, on more than one occasion during my time at BYU I kissed a man, but I never gave even the slightest impression of that in the blog. On at least one occasion I blatantly lied in this blog by saying I hadn’t viewed video pornography. Why did I do that? It’s complicated. Some of it was because some people who read the blog knew I was the author (including notably my mother) and I didn’t want them to know that I’d made a few more risqué mistakes than the blog would lead you to believe. I made myself look very pristine and I wasn’t. Now, I didn’t reach the same levels of indiscretion I have in the last few years, but I was not always the person I purported to be. That ends now. I’m done being dishonest. That doesn’t mean I plan to include every sordid detail, but I won’t be saying anything untrue or hiding things in a way to make me seem cleaner than I was. Honesty is going to be a common topic early on as I restart this blog. Regarding those old posts, I considered whether to delete or update them, but I actually think the authentic thing to do is to leave them. I can correct truths moving forward (like I just did) but don’t have to amend the past as I presented it then. This applies also to a few posts that I’ve re-read and realized I don’t fully agree with anymore, even if there is nothing dishonest in them. That’s part of my progression and I like to think I’ve grown a little bit wiser about a few things. But I can disagree with my past self without censoring him.

·         Regarding anonymity: Here’s another interesting sticking point that made me hesitant to resume blogging. Since I last blogged, I’ve heard several conference talks cautioning against online anonymity. And I just closed down an extensive negative online anonymous identity I’ve kept up the last few years. Not to mention, I just said I want to increase my authenticity! BUT, I also have new reasons to actually remain anonymous: my wife and children, who did not sign up to be revealed as they would be if I blogged openly with my identity. While I may blog about parenting on occasion, I also plan to keep any and all details about my children out of the blog out of respect for their privacy. This has become my policy in my normal social media use as well: my wife and I have largely stopped sharing pictures of our children on social media out of respect for their privacy. As someone in a mixed orientation marriage, I live a life deemed controversial by the world’s standards, and it isn’t fair to my children to be associated with their dad’s choices. I also have strong reasons to not have my personal blog associated or tied back to my professional life. I have a great job, but work in an industry so “progressive” that they ironically don’t have much understanding or room for my choices and situation. SO: I plan on keeping up the pseudonym. But, in the name of greater authenticity, I’m also willing to connect using my real identity with any sincere reader who reaches out to me through the blog email. In other words, I won’t correspond outside the blog in any way using a false identity. I plan on sharing my blog openly in a few forums and already there are quite a few people who know I write this. So while I’m not going to put my name literally on the blog where it can be searched for and associated openly with me, privately I plan to be quite open moving forward. I’ll be discontinuing my “Obadiah” social media accounts I created back when I first wrote this blog. There will be no second persona to speak of, just the use of the pseudonym here on my blog.

·         Cadence: When I first started the blog I was writing very consistently, sometimes 2-3 times per week. Well, time was one of the reasons I stopped blogging to begin with and my life hasn’t gotten any less busy. I’m choosing to make time for this, but cannot promise any great frequency or consistency. Right now I have a rough goal of aiming for weekly posts, and that sounds pretty ambitious, frankly. (Did I mention I have 3 kids now?) Also, don’t worry; posts won’t all be this super-long.

May the Lord bless you, wherever you are at,

--Obadiah